#n6jlv

[iisbebe]

So I realized something yesterday (well to me is still kind of today since it's 2:30am and I haven't slept yet). Almost 2 years ago a sad, depressed, suicidal 15 year old girl had to act as a 30 year old women at least. My 17 year old brother lost his life doing something so utterly stupid that he KNEW could get him hurt just because who knows why (I wish I could have asked him.). I was going through an outpatient program after being locked up in a psychiatric hospital for "suicidal idiations" (such a stupid word for such a big problem), going through band camp, getting ready for my sophomore year of high school, and dealing with a bunch of retarded cops who have no fucking idea what they're talking about (I'll get into that another time) and probably didn't even know their own names. My best friend, older brother, and my every thing died August 10th, 2014. I had to leave my SUPPORT group and friends to not only grieve the loss of my brother but to be the bigger person and the only fucking calm person in the whole situation. From being the only one who could call 911 to tell them what happened and to get help, having to call my father to inform him that his son just died (he ignored my call twice then thought I was joking), keep my screaming mother calm, my screaming grandmother calm, my panicked step dad calm, and do my best to help answer all of the officers questions. After that I had to call my band director to tell him what happened and why I wouldn't be returning to band camp and why the excited senior who just got on tenors (quads for some) would never return. The following days I was the only 'adult' in the situation regarding my parents. I also had to tell my mom that she could not tell someone that the way they are grieving is wrong. I have grown more as a person since the worst day of my life. So fuck all the people who called me spoiled, who say I was looking for attention, and to everyone who has been bitter to me, my friends, my family, and my brothers friends. I'll probably add more to this later. Night.

[malloryknoxbabe]

Going to visit your grave on your birthday. October 28th. I miss you everyday. If this is the only way I can see where you are, then so be it.

[istillmissyou000]

Tag your it, this ones for you brother. Now your in Texas.

[datbacon]

Today

So today I visited you. Your grave plate hasn't been put in yet. I sat there for about an hour talking to you and I hope you heard every word of it. I shared our best memories and even told you stuff I never told you before. I let everything out but I still feel an emptiness in my heart of where you filled the place. I miss you so much and sometimes it's so overwhelming. I wish you were here to tell me that it's all a dream and that none of it is real, but it's real. Everything is real. Sometimes, I call your phone just to hear your voice again. I love you so much. I miss you so much.

[malloryknoxbabe]

If I Died Tonight...

You know, all of this stuff with my first love, Jerritt Van Es ( n6jlv ) passing away has really got me thinking. In the past, I’ve written things about how I’d want to be remembered, but all of them were borderline suicide calls for help. I think the time has come to make one when I’m a serious frame of mind, and not just as a cryptic post that can be interpreted in many ways. So here goes…

If I Died Tonight…

I think that no amount of tears and meager writings could be put in to words to describe the pain that is contrived from losing someone you love. They can never even scratch the surface of relief. I want to be remembered by all the things I tried. All the things I stood up for. All the things and people I believed in. If I ever called you a mean, or even crass, name or got a little too touchy, it’s because I loved you. I have always had a weird way of expressing affection, and unfortunately, not a lot of people can see it as such. 

You could die and any minute, you know?

You could die in the middle of something as insignificant as just another night’s sleep. You could die before all of that sumptuous potential has been tapped into. That’s the beauty of life, but it’s also the tragedy. Unpredictability and uncertainty are the parts that are worth living, but confuse the hell out of you. You will never die feeling satisfied because there will always be things left unsaid and left undone.

So if I died tonight… please forgive yourself for anything horrible you’ve done to me, because I have forgiven you. If you ever gave me the time of day, no matter how things ended, I will always be indebted to you. Because more often than not, you made me a different person. And I quite like myself. 

So thanks. I love you.

[datbacon]

I've been up for the past 3 hours looking at old pictures of you and me and all of our friends. And I hate it, I hate it because I say "old" like these pictures were taken years ago when in reality they're less than a year old. I hate the fact that I can't call you up to go on a late night adventure. I hate that I couldn't go to you're funeral because I was stuck in a stupid hospital bed until 5 am the day it was supposed to happen. I hate that you're not here to experience your senior year of high school. I hate that you were taken away from your loved ones so soon. But I really love the impact you left on all of us. I love the laughter you left in our lives when we remember stories of you. I love the happiness you brought into so many people's lives. I love how you made sure your friends were happy and smiling, even if you weren't. I love how much you cared. I love you so much. I miss you so much. <3

[a-river-of-bears]

Analog Businessman

I miss you bro n6jlv