One of the ways I do my healing work is to take myself on long walks in nature and urban surroundings. Walks of contemplation, feeling into my feels and asking the land and plant kin to help me process, clear and release. Yesterday I took a route along the river and through the affluent streets of my early childhood neighborhood. Holding with wonderment the concurrence of an overflow of gratitude and joy and a deep pain and grief.
There is a moral injury my body held due to the callous and blatant disregard someone expressed, with whom I shared a rare and exquisite connection and to whom I had opened my heart fully. And many layers to the disappointment I felt and the acknowledgment of how self-centered, decidedly indifferent to me and ignorant of my worth their actions and attitudes have been. Realizations incensing me at the way their actions had cheapened this precious-to-me connection and their disrespect in treating me as an afterthought. Essentially severing the precious and tender bond of ours in one fell and irrevocable swoop. Stabbing my heart and twisting the knife for good measure.
These days I can hold this kind of devastation with grace and spaciousness as my being processes it in increments my nervous system can handle, while going about my daily life and creating joyful experiences for myself. Thankfully there is no mental or emotional abuse that accompanies this process as it used to in my younger years. And thankfully I know to take myself into nature for co-regulation, unburdening and healing.
I know how to pour goodness and love into my cups until they cleanse away the bitterness of unlove that spilt into them.
Knowing how to mourn and grieve in ways that liberate my heart of the heaviness of loss and pain while acknowledging and anchoring beauty and preciousness once shared. My consciousness gently whispering words of wisdom and understanding to the tender parts and protectors equally. Reminding them that none needs to pick up and carry the poisonous gift on offer and that they are free to choose joy, wellbeing and goodness instead.
As my eyes drink in the beauty that surrounds me, my ears listen to the gentle lapping of waves, my heart feels the echoes of beautiful memories connected with this place and the smell of my chai titillates my senses - I am grounded more soundly and effortlessly in the wholeness of my being.
Walking with presence in the knowing of who I am, and what my path entails, my heart widens in acceptance and welcome of the love that always suffuses and surrounds me. Laughter peels from the depth of my womb as I reflect on the fleeting nature of such moments and the absurdity of human play in the vastness of a lifetime or existence.
My being bows in gratitude to the great Beloved for a lesson in discernment and the reminder that safety is only found in open-hearted authenticity. Thankful for the knowing, guidance, tools, and web of love which help me grow in connection regardless of the presence or absence of another human.
With love and gratitude to the gifts of the ancestors, the great Beloved and our dance of infinite love and possibilities.