"I can never tell if The Cheesecake Factory refers to their dessert, or the women leaving there"
I made the awful decision to dine at this fine establishment the other day with some family members. We sat down, and I immediately scanned the too-short beer list. Nothing from Virginia. Quite literally nothing local. Not even a beer from some of the northern Virginia breweries. I asked a manager about this later, and here's how our conversation went:
"I noticed you guys don't have any local craft beer..."
"Mhm."
"Well...do you guys plan on getting any?"
"Nope."
"Well, that's a shame..." (slightly confused at the curt responses for pretty innocent questions)
"Yeah, well we're corporate so we do what they tell us."
Really, Cheesecake Factory? REALLY!?!? Are you living under a rock somewhere, and haven't heard about this newfangled thing called craft beer? Has no one told you about the fact that while overall beer sales are down 1.9%, craft beer sales are up a whopping 17.2%?! Or the fact that craft beer sales account for $14.3 billion in revenue?!* I scoff at you. Oh, and I hope you fire your fucking marketing department!
Beer To Disappoint
So, I settled with a Stone IPA. The girl then asks me if I'd like a chilled glass. OH YES, PLEASE GIVE ME A GLASS THAT WILL DRASTICALLY RUIN THE FLAVOR AS WELL AS KILL OFF SOME OF THE ALCOHOL THAT I'LL NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS WRETCHED MEAL!! No thanks, I'd prefer a room temperature glass if that's not too challenging for someone who clearly didn't make the Hooter's cut because her parents wouldn't buy her Proactiv at a young age.
The girl comes back with the non alcoholic beverages, and tells the TWO of us that are waiting on BEERS that the bartender is still getting our drinks ready. What, is she brewing the beer herself? God, I hope not, considering the quality of staff here! And what else could she possibly have going on that it takes fifteen minutes to get a beer? IT'S 4:30 ON A FUCKING TUESDAY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!! An eternity later, our beers arrive. My father, who hasn't had a sip of booze in 20 years, immediately reels back from the smell that I can only describe as a skunk taking a shit on the table. I pour it and say, "Now, let me just taste it to be sure..." BIG MISTAKE. I have never tasted a beer so fouled and past it's prime, let alone one I was charged $6 for. I really didn't need that sip, as even the head on the beer looked diseased and cancerous.
I flag down the first waitress wandering by, as ours is nowhere to be found, and tell her my beer is skunked.
"Your beer is what, hon?"
"Skunked! It's skunked. You left it in the light, or it's gone bad."
"Well, I'll go talk to the bartender"
"Just tell her to grab me a fresh one. I don't even care if it's chilled at this point."
Disappointment: It's What's For Dinner
While the Great Beer Debacle was going on, we all ordered our food. I settled with The Incredible Grilled Eggplant Sandwich. I was sure it would be oh so "incredible." I ordered a salad with mine, as did my grandfather. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. And eventually his salad came out. Just his salad. So we waited, and waited and waited some more.
And then, as if by miracle, four different servers (none of whom was our original waitress) came out with the rest of our food. It looked like we weren't going to starve after all.
Now, I'm a HUGE fan of eggplant. Call it aubergine, call it guinea squash, hell call it brinjal for all I care. Just cook it right. Well, at The Cheesecake Factory, it wouldn't be another quality meal if they didn't completely botch the preparation.
If I'd wanted to taste slugs in my mouth, I would have just brought a can of Cento Marinated Mushrooms. I mean really, how much oil did you cook the eggplant in?! Hey Chef, you know that shit works like a sponge, right?! And why not pair limp dick eggplant with limp dick red peppers that still tasted of the aluminum from the can they were in 20 minutes prior. And don't even get me started on the grilled onions! First off, who pairs a strong ass red onion with the delicate flavor of eggplant? And for god's sake, when you cut up an onion remove the fucking skin!!! I mean, I figured even small children knew that one! Oh and lest I forget the bun, I think a soggy tissue would have held up better to the moisture in that sandwich. Probably would have tasted better, too. What, do you guys source your buns from the discount bread shop or something?! I mean, Mary Jane White Bread has a better taste than that turd you call a bun. The only thing incredible about that sandwich was the price tag.
Well, Now That You've All Been Thoroughly Disappointed With Our Cooking How About Some Dessert To Wash Down That Disgust?
Ah, yes. The dessert. Wouldn't quite be a visit to the ol' Cheesecake Factory without a taste of their signature treats. I ordered the Wild Blueberry White Chocolate Cheesecake, as it was highly recommended by our server. I guess that was my first mistake. Out it came all bedecked in whipped cream. Upon closer examining, I realized that said whipped cream was some canned Reddi Whip type crap. Is it so goddamn hard to make in-house whipped cream anymore?! Or is it just that the high school dishwasher can't be trusted around the Whip Its canister? I took my first bite of this "delicious and popular" cheesecake, and I swear I felt my tongue commit suicide. I'm pretty sure there's more real blueberry flavor in a packet of Kool Aid, and the cream cheese tasted like chalk and mortar mixed into a lovely slurry and then pressed into a brick with "blueberries" embedded. I took my second bite, and ya know what? I learned something new. I learned that you CAN in fact make a cheesecake crust with sandpaper. Really incredible. I mean the culinary genius behind that one. I can see the conversation now:
"Guys, we gotta find a way to spice up our cheesecake! I mean anyone can do cheesecake, what makes ours so special? Ideas, anyone?"
"It's our signature dessert?"
"Yeah, and TCBY's is frozen yogurt. That set them apart from anyone?! You're fired Bob! Anyone else?"
"We...we make them all in-house?"
"My goddamn mother-in-law makes a cheesecake in house. And it SUCKS! Linda, get the hell out of here! Next?!"
"Sir, we could try a new process they've perfected in Haiti. It's called Sandcrust and it's made out of sandpaper. Customers can hardly tell the difference, and it's very cost effective..."
"Jim, I like it! It's different...it's unique...it's ethnic...and it'll save us a fortune. I'm promoting you to the VP of Marketing!"
This would explain why everything tastes like crap, and they don't have local beer. Thanks a lot Jim, you're a real fuckboi.
*Brewer's Association Fact Sheet