#rizzbee

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January is the month of new beginnings and changes. Like most people, I always look forward to it because it’s always the start of something new. New year, new life!

2014. I knew right away that it will be a challenging year. And I was right. Unlike the other years where my ultimate goal was to find love, this year was different because I am aiming for more travel and of course more of self discovery. But yes, love is still part of the plan.

First week of the month and I was already challenged emotionally. Yes, yes there’s more to that but sometimes my emotions can really drag me to some depression.

Left and right news of deaths and heartbreaks, that was January to me. But it also paved way for me to spend more time thinking and reflecting.

THE END. They say the beginning is always the hardest and true enough, I guess I had the hardest or I must say a heartbreaking start. It was a tough one but you got no choice but to pick up yourself and make it whole again and be ready for the next. I’m still in the process though. It’s not easy and it will never be, but sometimes you just have to focus on the things that makes you happy than dwell on the things that breaks you.

SECOND CHANCES. January has truly surprised me with a lot of things and topping that is that accident I experienced. It was really an eye-opener that life indeed is short and we have only have one life to live and we must make every moment count. After that I feel like making things right. Starting with my relationship with God, my family, friends and of course myself. It’s not everyday that we get second chances sometimes it ends at one. I may not be lucky to get a second chance in love but at least I got another chance to live again.

January in a nutshell is one surprising month. So much has happened that maybe prepared me for the coming days and the succeeding months. Whatever the Lord has in store for me this year I know it’ll always be the best for me.

So hello there February. Please don’t be an ass to me. I had so much last January be sweet and calm to me this time.

RizzBee.

[rizzbee-blog]

Sad to say but It's a closed chapter. No more chasing, no more explaining, no nothing. Sometimes things just end in silence. It will not be an easy journey, but wherever this will take me, I hope it takes me somewhere where I'll see myself genuinely happy again. It's time to start picking myself back and make me whole again. I know that the next days will be challenging but I will always keep in mind that happiness is a choice. I will choose to be happy, I will choose to be okay. I will be better than ever. I will. People come and go for a reason with a lesson. It was a wonderful journey. I will always be thankful that for once you touched my life and made me the happiest girl alive. It's sad that the end wasn't as good as the beginning but I will always keep in mind everything that I learned from you and from what we had. 250-day love affair, over and done.

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Lurking

Thou shall not expect. (Repeat 100x) Been telling this to myself a hundred time over to get rid of this feeling. Yes, we are two different people. We deal with things, we respond to situation and we express ourselves differently. But I don't know, maybe because I am holding on to nothing but that short times we spend talking. Wish I have the courage to tell how I feel but most often I forget it and just ignore that throbbing pain that hurts me. Or more like I can no longer tell the difference between what makes me happy and sad. I'd have times when I'd tell how I see things, how I feel but then it remains to be an open ended issue. Why? It's hard to be in this situation, loving someone away from you is killing me. I am not used to this. It's hard, everyday's a challenge. I don't know. Reality and love is contradictory to me. Guess I am having one of those nights again. This sucks big time really. This too shall pass.

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The Ride

What's not to love with my kind of work? Yes, it gets a little bit toxic at times or sometimes the stress kills me but most of the time it gives you a  whole new experience.

WAKE BOARD. Yes, I have been hearing about it but I know nothing about it. But witnessing the wake board competition last June 22 at Lago de Oro made me understand the sport. 

I was surprised to see kids enjoy the sport and I must say they are all good. So I didn't miss the chance of trying wake boarding. 

THE WAIVER. So before anything else, we were asked to sign a waiver. If you check-in at Lago de Oro, trial for an hour costs 250php and there's a compulsory baller ID that costs 100php.The board, life vest and helmet for first timers are for free so no worries.

I can't contain my excitement. 

Ready for the ride.

Weight on your heel, toes up! (repeat 10x)

So this is it! No turning back. The first ride.

I was able to stand and passed by the balls. Hell yeah!

Trying to hold on longer...

but..

I fell.. All smiles still. 

Life lesson if you want something hold on to it, if you fail, just get up and try again.

Cheers to my wake board weekend. Guess I am doing this again.

RizzBee

23 June 2013

[rizzbee-blog]

Day 22

It breaks my heart that you're away and I have nothing but time to give. 

If only you are here, I know I can give more than what you hear I say.

Every day you got me thinking how was it like to live a day with you? 

I just don't get the point why people whom I love the most have to leave. 

  Loving you from a distance was never part of the game. 

But I am taking a chance on this because you are someone I won't regret. 

I chose this and if this fails I only have myself to blame.

So let’s not waste time and grab every borrowed time we have.

  I wonder how does it feel to hold your hand?

How tight can I hug you? Or how many good night kisses will I give you before I sleep?

All those questions running in my mind.

Thinking of the answers  sometimes makes me weep. 

  Only now that it is sinking in that the distance is killing me. 

But no regrets, I will patiently wait until I see you right next to me. 

    RizzBee.

27 May 2013

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It's not me. It's you!

We often hear the cliche It's not you, it's me! in a break up convo. For some it's a pseudo-compassionate break up line. But the urban dictionary would define it as - a great excuse for breaking up with someone while trying not to hurt their feelings.

For me it's the other way around, more like It's not me, It's you. I am not implying a guilt feeling of some sort neither weighing what I have done nor making myself appear good. 

I'd define it as a great explanation for someone who was always blamed you for being this and that in a relationship when in fact you are doing what is just. (Makes sense? IDK.)

I have been through a lot, yes! I have proven and tested that. I loved, I cried. I was hurt and wounded. All those experiences made me who I am today. Experiences not only on love but life itself.

When I am in a relationship I always see to it that I give my 100%. I believe that tomorrow is never promised so we must make every waking day of our lives worth living for. 

Things may have ended (temporarily) now but I don't know what tomorrow awaits. But for now, I feel relieved that I have saved myself from hurting. I never experienced such. I was hurting everyday containing everything that is being said unto me.

Never have I belittle myself since forever not until someone made me feel inferior. Good thing I woke up from that nightmare and realized that I am enough. I am doing what's right. 

It's sad that people don't appreciate what you do for them. Most often the not they are blinded from what they were used to. Forgetting that this one's different.

It's heartbreaking. It's hard to put an end to something that has started but that's life. It isn't fare!

I did my part. I tried but I got tired. 

I know I've given you what is just and I can tell everyone that it's not me, it's you. It's you who did that to me, to yourself, to us.

Always,

RizzBee.

[rizzbee-blog]

You knew me so well that it takes a snap to make everything okay.

I feel stupid, I know I was wrong so wrong.

I had everything so perfect but I chose to have it the other way. 

I have decided and it all happened so quickly. If can turn back time I would. For I had     my best days with you. 

I hate how things turned out today, I am happy but it was nothing compared with you. 

Tears rolling, my hearts pounding. I don't know how and what I am feeling. One things for sure, you will always be my one great love. 

[rizzbee-blog]

Happy...Happiest.

Its amazing how life surprises us with things we least expect. Sometimes fate just dictates the answers to the questions we’ve been asking for so long. In life we get to meet a lot people. But, who would have thought that one day, a total stranger will come your way and will turn your world upside down. Perhaps, someone, somewhere will create something so beautiful, it will change your world. It did happened to me. I mark today as my happiest day well maybe today was extraordinary but the past days were extra special. What’s the difference? For the past weeks everyone has been noticing the change in me, the different kind of smile I am wearing everyday.Its priceless, it is something genuine that comes from within. I was happy, but I never thought that I can be any happier. I can’t give so much yet, but I opted to share my time. It is something that isn’t easy to give but so easy to waste. I don’t regret anything, It was worth it! I was uncertain, thinking if it is the right thing but for once I forget about what’s right or wrong and considered what will make me happy. Today, I was the happiest. Sometimes there are things you can’t contain especially when the situation calls for it. I can’t hold it any longer it wanted to escape so I blurted the eight letter word. I know that upon uttering it, it will change things. It’s a responsibility it isn’t something you say for the sake of saying it. I am excited for this, it is something new, it’s a breath of fresh air but I must say that a part of me is afraid I guess it’s normal. New beginnings are challenging, adjustments will be a big part of it  all I need is tocompromise, trust, respect and love. Everything that is new is very overwhelming. I hope the everyday will be like it’s first. I just want to keep the fire burning, fill everyday with love and understanding. 

I seriously don’t know if I have placed my thoughts well in this writing. I have so much to say but I don’t know the right way to put this feelings into words. All I know is that I am the happiest and wherever this leads me, I know that this decision will take me to places where I am supposed to be. I deserve the best, everybody does. I am grateful that I am capable of loving and I am deserving to be loved in return. Did it sound right? I don’t know. HAHA. 

Happiness is having a dream you cannot let go of and a partner who would never ask you to. Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy.

Always,

RizzBee™. ♥