the realisation creeps up slowly. there is no sudden strike of lighting, no moment where everything freezes and things fall together like the pieces of a puzzle - instead, it comes one step closer with each passing day and hyungwon just does his best to look away for as long as possible.
it starts, he later realises, when he’s 8. kihyun is fourteen and he’s tall and smart and his hair always looks nice and hyungwon’s small hand itches to hold his bigger one. he doesn’t tell anyone and he’s too shy to ask kihyun for it. but he draws him flowers and butterflies and leaves his favourite books and plushies next to him, yet kihyun frowns and remains cold. sometimes hyungwon thinks he must not like him, but there are shows and dramas where the boy acts cold when he likes the girl and hyungwon hopes kihyun could be the same. their parents are friends and despite the age difference they’re often made to play together at dinner parties and get-togethers and, to hyungwon, those events became special. he watches all his shows and cartoons and learns about the cold, handsome boy that protects the girl anyway and about people getting married when they like someone and the drawings of flowers and butterflies turn into drawings of houses and cats. the illusion continues on until hyungwon asks his mother if he’s going to marry kihyun and she laughs. she’s still amused about it, later on, when she tells kihyun’s parents and they’re all making some sort of joke out of it, but hyungwon sits in his room and cries from embarrassment and something his little heart accepts as heartbreak.
at 11 hyungwon is not yet aware of limits set by society and about imaginary rights and wrongs. his little heart and the queasy feeling in his stomach lead most of his actions. summer usually meant he would be spending his time in jejudo and jejudo meant taehyung would come over to visit. their house in jeju is huge and they can easily fit another family into the guest rooms, filling the quiet space and void that had been there before. the kim’s arrive on the same day as them, but it still included hyungwon spending a few hours alone, moping and sulking and closely studying the clock on the living room wall. he didn’t dare go to the beach, even though it was close enough for hyungwon to be able to see all of it from his window; the experience wasn’t the same all alone. the porch was where he would usually end up, a book on his lap and three layers of sun protection on his already tan skin - his mother was overly careful, sometimes - and anticipating the sound of car tires on their driveway.
taehyung was all bright smiles and twinkling eyes that made hyungwon’s cheeks flush and his little heart flutter with happiness. he was still shy about holding hands, but did it anyway; when they were playing and running around on the beach, pretending like he was scared of stumbling he would grip taehyung’s hand tightly. during their long nights, when hyungwon talked him into sharing a bed and telling stories while counting and recounting the stars stuck to his bedroom ceiling, when no one was looking and everything was quiet - hyungwon liked to hold his hand and lay close enough to feel taehyung’s warm breath on his cheek when he spoke. he didn’t know how to connect the dots and couldn’t recall enough to compare it to the same feelings when he was eight and trying to impress kihyun. he doesn’t question the pounding in his chest and doesn’t question the fact that taehyung is a boy and so is he. they spend nights huddled together and hyungwon’s need to hold hands and be as close as possible grows into a curiosity for more. when he finally presses his lips against taehyung’s it’s short and weird and soft and warm and it leaves his mouth tingling. questions weren’t asked and hyungwon wouldn’t have had any answers, anyway. the summer days pass by like a dream and hyungwon is content with sharing that little bubble with taehyung, even as it bursts on the very last day as he watches the kim family drive off.
it doesn’t dawn on him, still. even as he thinks of kisses and fingers intertwined with his and watches handsome actors on screen with starry eyes. it strikes him as odd, how there’s only ever a boy and a girl, but hyungwon still doesn’t question why he would even notice that.
he remains naive - almost wilfully so - until he’s 14 and building blanket forts with jaeho and things start making sense.
they’ve met when middle school started and even though hyungwon had trouble talking and playing with the other kids, the older boy didn’t seem to mind. he didn’t have to be alone anymore and although jaeho was loud and boyish and energetic where hyungwon was quiet and easily overwhelmed, he had those bright smiles and dimples in his cheeks and his voice went into a funny pitch whenever he got excited. they grew closer, but hyungwon remained unsuspecting for the longest time. jaeho was touchy with everyone, he was effortlessly affectionate and he found himself enjoying the warmth it all brought. the apartment his parents lived in was often empty until late at night and hyungwon made a point of inviting jaeho over almost every day, if only to avoid sitting alone in silence. jaeho was sunshine and bright skies and the flat suddenly seemed much more lively, more vibrant. the clouds over his head had so easily been chased away and replaced by a burning sun and summer. in the back of his mind, hyungwon starts to draw a connection to jeju and taehyung, but the nagging voice was easily ignored and muffled by his pounding heart.
things are bound to escalate, and they do, late at night when he’s in bed with jaeho - something that had become a common occurrence - and the same urge to hold his hand and be close strikes him again. time had made him less and less brave, however, and hyungwon didn’t dare reach out to link their fingers, he didn’t dare lean in and close his eyes and press a kiss against his lips like he did with taehyung. he didn’t dare to because jaeho was his friend and he had already learnt that friends didn’t treat each other like that. it was the moment he realised things would change if he didn’t hold those feelings back and nib them in the bud. a kiss wasn’t worth altering anything about their friendship and although jaeho stayed close and hugged him, hyungwon was pretty sure he didn’t want to kiss any boys. ( he had seen the way he looked at the cute girls on television before and he thinks about how jaeho was a bit like the kind and gentle main leads in dramas; those that would pet the girl’s head and kiss her forehead and protect her well. )
it hadn’t mattered before, but it started mattering then; that some boys liked girls and others liked boys.
hyungwon cries when he tells his mother about it. he sobs so loudly, his words interrupted by hiccuped breaths that it takes her a while to figure out what he’s trying to say. he was scared of how she would react and he’s scared of being hurt, but she still smiles when he squints at her through blurry eyes. her fingers are still gentle as they stroke through his hair, palms still warm as they settle over his cheeks and she coos at him just like she did when he was younger and scraped his knees falling down.
why is that a reason to cry, hm? why are you sad, 우리 애기?
the relief that he felt only brought more tears.
his mother held his hand that evening, when his father came home and they all sat down together for dinner.
and you’re absolutely certain this isn’t a phase?
the night ended in tears for him, his heart thudding loudly and painfully and mind stuck somewhere between relief and disappointment. his father hadn’t said anything more, he had remained quiet throughout dinner, and if it wasn’t for his mother’s hand tightly squeezing his own, smaller one, hyungwon was certain he would have ran away.
hyungwon tries to avoid him, out of his own fears more than anything else, he goes out of his way to not cross his father’s path. there’s a possible discussion that he can feel oncoming, the tension between them almost palpable and while hyungwon had absolutely gotten his lack of being confrontational from his father, he feels like the man might end up saying something, anyway.
in the end, things are resolved with a letter.
in the end, both his parents have his back. in the end, he considers himself truly blessed as he sits between them at dinners and get togethers and hears them brag about their pride, their son. in the end he couldn’t have had it better as his father tells their family friends about the great news that was his son’s coming out and his mother holds his hand and smiles at him.
in the end; hyungwon couldn’t have been happier.
