#rkjaeho

[rkhyungwon]

{ new year’s kiss }

31st dec, 2010 

a winding, narrow staircase leads from his parent’s penthouse apartment to the rooftop and, like every year, all the guests his mother has invited start climbing it at exactly five minutes before midnight. the apartment building was high and the view on the fireworks was fantastic. at the bottom of the staircase stood hyungwon, fingers tightly gripping the rail and lips pursed. the glass of orange juice in his hand had been long forgotten as he shifted on his feet, impatient to finally reach the top and, at the same time, dreading the cold wind he could already feel seeping into the warm apartment through the open glass door. 

jaeho stood before him, a step above that gave him lavage he didn’t usually have and hyungwon tries not to let it show that he was slightly miffed at the half a head of height difference and not only the fact that he would get to see the fireworks before hyungwon did. hyungwon’s lips purse further, his young mind cursing everything and swearing that new year’s would be ruined because there was only a minute left and people were moving too slowly. the older gentleman in front of jaeho finally climbs three steps, but instead of moving forward, jaeho turns around. there’s a smile on his face and no matter how much time would pass, hyungwon would never forget it. he would forget what jaeho said, but later on will think to remember it must have been something teasing, he would remember huffing and crossing his arms - or did he continue gripping the metal rail? - and he would remember jaeho leaning down. his lips taste like the orange juice in hyungwon’s glass, but they’re warm and soft, like hyungwon’s favourite pillow. he forgets how to breathe and his small world spins, his head dizzy from the sudden rush of blood towards his face. panic grips his chest for a heartbeat; did jaeho somehow find out about his budding feelings? hyungwon thinks he had been doing such an excellent job in hiding them.  the moment ends all too quickly and as if he had been pulled underwater before, the sounds of exploding fireworks and murmur of conversation start flooding his senses again. jaeho is still wearing that smile, but he’s much closer than before. hyungwon still doesn’t know how to breathe.  “happy new year’s.” jaeho says. hyungwon finally exhales. 

31st of dec, 2017

a winding, narrow staircase leads from his parent’s penthouse apartment to the rooftop and, like every year, all the guests his mother has invited start climbing it at exactly five minutes before midnight.  the apartment is left behind almost empty, with hyungwon still sitting on the armrest of the living room’s couch, the wine glass in his hand almost empty and shoulder’s slumped. melancholy had gripped his heart, like so often, and it doesn’t take more than a glance over his shoulder and towards the staircase for him to see that smile again, clear as day. he still feels the heartbreak, the loss and the sadness of being left behind by the person he has loved the longest and the bitterness he has to swallow is quickly drowned out with the last gulp of sweet wine.  he inhales and pulls his phone out of his pocket, movements slow and tired. he dials the number of his mailbox, waits for the familiar beep right before letting the sound of jaeho’s voice wash over him.  “hey it’s me, your best friend jaeho.” his bottom lip starts to quiver and hyungwon starts gnawing on it almost immediately; he’s listened to it often enough for the words not to effect him anymore.  there’s the rush of wind that makes jaeho’s voice sound more distant and brings back the scent of sea salt, “that was the wind. i’m sitting outside by the sea— i mean this is busan so pretty much wherever you go there’s a breeze of the water.”  there is a short pause and he closes his eyes, imagines jaeho falling quiet, looking uncharacteristically pensive, “it’s like, uh, almost two in the morning which is why i didn’t call you and instead decided to leave this voice message—even though it feels super weird to have a one-sided conversation.” there’s the sound of laughter that’s still so warm and so familiar it makes his heart ache, “anyway i just wanted to check in with you. i hope you’re sleeping and eating well even though i’m not around to give you discounted chicken or fresh croissants from the bakery down the road. maybe you could train mozart to get some fresh bread in the mornings. that would be so cool!” although the idea was silly, the audible smile in jaeho’s voice makes hyungwon laugh, still; a short and shaky sound. “as you know i’m living with and helping out my grandparents—you’ve met them—and uh… it looks like I’ll be here a bit longer than i expected.” jaeho pauses and hyungwon let’s the feeling of longing wash over him. this part was always the most painful. “i’ve managed to find a job in a dance studio here luckily so i’m not entirely a burden. but it’s still tough. i know I said I’d be back soon, wonnie, but uh… yeah, it seems like i’ll have to break that promise. i’m really sorry.” his eyes open. he blinks once, twice; tries to blink the blurriness away. “you know I miss you right? like a lot a lot. i’ll try to make it back to seoul after new years okay? i love you, hyungwon-ah, stay healthy and happy for me okay?” the message ends and hyungwon’s brows furrow, eyes shifting to stare at the glass that’s currently resting atop his knee. he promised himself he wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t let the tears fall.  outside, the fireworks have started. hyungwon inhales and hangs up on the computer voice, starts dialling the number he still knew by heart - by heart. how ironically fitting of an idiom.  it’s midnight and he knows the lines are busy, knows it will go straight to mailbox and clears his throat. he doesn’t want jaeho to hear how effected he is. “hey, hyung...” it had been months since they talked. after the voice message jaeho left, hyungwon has been ignoring him. swiping his calls and leaving his messages unread. it was childish. petty. a tantrum that wouldn’t hurt only him, but jaeho as well and yet it had taken him until this very moment for him to feel ready to reply. “it’s me, hyungwon. um... it’s been a while?” before he listened to the voice message, he had thought of so many different things he wanted to tell him. so many things had happened in the past six months, yet now that he was speaking into his phone, his mind seemed blank. “it’s now new year’s. you can probably hear the fireworks in the background, right?” he pauses, gnaws on his bottom lip again and knows he will regret everything that will escape him as soon as the treacherous flesh is released.  “do you remember new year’s from six years ago? when you kissed me at the staircase? i’ve always wondered if you knew back then that i had just started to fall in love with you and wanted to tease me for it. it’s weird because... well, after that nothing else ever happened, did it? nothing changed.” there’s a shaky bitterness in his voice then, frustration and unshed tears that had been suppressed for years. “you still remained my best friend and i still continued to be hopelessly in love with you.” “there’s no point in telling you this now, but- you said you would try to be back by new year’s and you’re not here. shouldn’t you have tried harder if you missed me as much as you said, hyung? you missed so many things. i got signed to trc and- i got a new cat. an old pen pal of mine moved here, from france. i graduated from university, too, just this month. i missed you at the graduation ceremony.” he knows that it must be audible by now; that he’s still sad, that he’s trying not to be a crybaby for once. “and i dyed my hair for the first time. it’s light brown now.” a pause and he glances over his shoulder again, sees the smile before his inner eye. “so many things changed. one thing still hasn’t. i hope you’ll be happy, hyung. wherever you are.” hyungwon exhales. “i love you.” the message ends. 

[yutark]

( sms » group, CR4W. ) @irenerk, @rkohsehun, @rkjaeho

- yo, guys. how much free time do you have? - should we start working on a new cover soon?

[rkhyungwon]

{ ;; memories }

the realisation creeps up slowly. there is no sudden strike of lighting, no moment where everything freezes and things fall together like the pieces of a puzzle - instead, it comes one step closer with each passing day and hyungwon just does his best to look away for as long as possible. it starts, he later realises, when he’s 8. kihyun is fourteen and he’s tall and smart and his hair always looks nice and hyungwon’s small hand itches to hold his bigger one. he doesn’t tell anyone and he’s too shy to ask kihyun for it. but he draws him flowers and butterflies and leaves his favourite books and plushies next to him, yet kihyun frowns and remains cold. sometimes hyungwon thinks he must not like him, but there are shows and dramas where the boy acts cold when he likes the girl and hyungwon hopes kihyun could be the same. their parents are friends and despite the age difference they’re often made to play together at dinner parties and get-togethers and, to hyungwon, those events became special. he watches all his shows and cartoons and learns about the cold, handsome boy that protects the girl anyway and about people getting married when they like someone and the drawings of flowers and butterflies turn into drawings of houses and cats. the illusion continues on until hyungwon asks his mother if he’s going to marry kihyun and she laughs. she’s still amused about it, later on, when she tells kihyun’s parents and they’re all making some sort of joke out of it, but hyungwon sits in his room and cries from embarrassment and something his little heart accepts as heartbreak. 

at 11 hyungwon is not yet aware of limits set by society and about imaginary rights and wrongs. his little heart and the queasy feeling in his stomach lead most of his actions. summer usually meant he would be spending his time in jejudo and jejudo meant taehyung would come over to visit. their house in jeju is huge and they can easily fit another family into the guest rooms, filling the quiet space and void that had been there before. the kim’s arrive on the same day as them, but it still included hyungwon spending a few hours alone, moping and sulking and closely studying the clock on the living room wall. he didn’t dare go to the beach, even though it was close enough for hyungwon to be able to see all of it from his window; the experience wasn’t the same all alone. the porch was where he would usually end up, a book on his lap and three layers of sun protection on his already tan skin - his mother was overly careful, sometimes - and anticipating the sound of car tires on their driveway. taehyung was all bright smiles and twinkling eyes that made hyungwon’s cheeks flush and his little heart flutter with happiness. he was still shy about holding hands, but did it anyway; when they were playing and running around on the beach, pretending like he was scared of stumbling he would grip taehyung’s hand tightly. during their long nights, when hyungwon talked him into sharing a bed and telling stories while counting and recounting the stars stuck to his bedroom ceiling, when no one was looking and everything was quiet - hyungwon liked to hold his hand and lay close enough to feel taehyung’s warm breath on his cheek when he spoke. he didn’t know how to connect the dots and couldn’t recall enough to compare it to the same feelings when he was eight and trying to impress kihyun. he doesn’t question the pounding in his chest and doesn’t question the fact that taehyung is a boy and so is he. they spend nights huddled together and hyungwon’s need to hold hands and be as close as possible grows into a curiosity for more. when he finally presses his lips against taehyung’s it’s short and weird and soft and warm and it leaves his mouth tingling. questions weren’t asked and hyungwon wouldn’t have had any answers, anyway. the summer days pass by like a dream and hyungwon is content with sharing that little bubble with taehyung, even as it bursts on the very last day as he watches the kim family drive off. it doesn’t dawn on him, still. even as he thinks of kisses and fingers intertwined with his and watches handsome actors on screen with starry eyes. it strikes him as odd, how there’s only ever a boy and a girl, but hyungwon still doesn’t question why he would even notice that. he remains naive - almost wilfully so - until he’s 14 and building blanket forts with jaeho and things start making sense. they’ve met when middle school started and even though hyungwon had trouble talking and playing with the other kids, the older boy didn’t seem to mind. he didn’t have to be alone anymore and although jaeho was loud and boyish and energetic where hyungwon was quiet and easily overwhelmed, he had those bright smiles and dimples in his cheeks and his voice went into a funny pitch whenever he got excited. they grew closer, but hyungwon remained unsuspecting for the longest time. jaeho was touchy with everyone, he was effortlessly affectionate and he found himself enjoying the warmth it all brought. the apartment his parents lived in was often empty until late at night and hyungwon made a point of inviting jaeho over almost every day, if only to avoid sitting alone in silence. jaeho was sunshine and bright skies and the flat suddenly seemed much more lively, more vibrant. the clouds over his head had so easily been chased away and replaced by a burning sun and summer. in the back of his mind, hyungwon starts to draw a connection to jeju and taehyung, but the nagging voice was easily ignored and muffled by his pounding heart. things are bound to escalate, and they do, late at night when he’s in bed with jaeho - something that had become a common occurrence - and the same urge to hold his hand and be close strikes him again. time had made him less and less brave, however, and hyungwon didn’t dare reach out to link their fingers, he didn’t dare lean in and close his eyes and press a kiss against his lips like he did with taehyung. he didn’t dare to because jaeho was his friend and he had already learnt that friends didn’t treat each other like that. it was the moment he realised things would change if he didn’t hold those feelings back and nib them in the bud. a kiss wasn’t worth altering anything about their friendship and although jaeho stayed close and hugged him, hyungwon was pretty sure he didn’t want to kiss any boys. ( he had seen the way he looked at the cute girls on television before and he thinks about how jaeho was a bit like the kind and gentle main leads in dramas; those that would pet the girl’s head and kiss her forehead and protect her well. ) it hadn’t mattered before, but it started mattering then; that some boys liked girls and others liked boys. hyungwon cries when he tells his mother about it. he sobs so loudly, his words interrupted by hiccuped breaths that it takes her a while to figure out what he’s trying to say. he was scared of how she would react and he’s scared of being hurt, but she still smiles when he squints at her through blurry eyes. her fingers are still gentle as they stroke through his hair, palms still warm as they settle over his cheeks and she coos at him just like she did when he was younger and scraped his knees falling down. why is that a reason to cry, hm? why are you sad, 우리 애기? the relief that he felt only brought more tears. his mother held his hand that evening, when his father came home and they all sat down together for dinner. and you’re absolutely certain this isn’t a phase? the night ended in tears for him, his heart thudding loudly and painfully and mind stuck somewhere between relief and disappointment. his father hadn’t said anything more, he had remained quiet throughout dinner, and if it wasn’t for his mother’s hand tightly squeezing his own, smaller one, hyungwon was certain he would have ran away. hyungwon tries to avoid him, out of his own fears more than anything else, he goes out of his way to not cross his father’s path. there’s a possible discussion that he can feel oncoming, the tension between them almost palpable and while hyungwon had absolutely gotten his lack of being confrontational from his father, he feels like the man might end up saying something, anyway. in the end, things are resolved with a letter. in the end, both his parents have his back. in the end, he considers himself truly blessed as he sits between them at dinners and get togethers and hears them brag about their pride, their son. in the end he couldn’t have had it better as his father tells their family friends about the great news that was his son’s coming out and his mother holds his hand and smiles at him. in the end; hyungwon couldn’t have been happier.

[rkhyungwon]

♫

♫ { do i wanna know? - arctic monkeys } ♫(kinda continuation of this)hyungwon had thought he had gotten his heart broken before; an instance where he probably cried a river, muffled against the very shoulder of the person who had easily shattered it into a million pieces like broken glass.he knew about this guy. heard about him. jaeho talked, didn’t say too much ( not that he had to when hyungwon was so very conscious about each of his words and actions, looking for something that wasn’t there - until it was, just not directed at him ). but it was jaeho and jaeho was happy and hyungwon was selfish in hoping for more than he already had. they lived together, they ate together. he was jaeho’s best friend; a position that came with many advantages a short crush couldn’t provide. ( even if it left him staring at his ceiling late at night, unable to sleep because of his smile and the pounding in his chest. ) hyungwon wanted to push all the negatives aside and be thankful that he had such an amazing friend who protected him and cared for him and always put him first.-- until tao came and suddenly he didn’t.there had been a twisting of knots deep in his stomach as hyungwon was waiting for jaeho to arrive, even when he would have only been five minutes late. it gnawed at his consciousness, made his hands clammy and cold while his messages went unanswered. five minutes turned into fifteen, turned into thirty and after an hour hyungwon had already been home, sobbing pitifully into his pillow to ease the discomfort that had gripped his heart in a tight clutch. he didn’t know, of course, but it had to be tao. it had to be, who else could have made jaeho forget about him completely, ignore his phone and be too busy to even think of checking it. he was angry, furious, seething; each scenario in his head another plan of how to hurt and make jaeho experience the same pain that he had. to taste the betrayal he tasted. ( resignation followed quickly that he neither could nor wanted to cause pain. the bitter note it ended on came with the realisation that jaeho wouldn’t care; not like hyungwon did. )the front door announced jaeho’s arrival and a quick glance at his phone showed just how late he was. hours. it had been hours. another sob fought its way up his throat, eyes burning as he curled up tighter and soft pads of feet stopped right in front of his door. he didn’t want to hear it; no excuses and no explanations. i forgot. how could he have been so easily forgotten? pressing pillows over his head didn’t work, even through the door jaeho could probably hear how upset he was. ( were their situations reserved, jaeho would have simply shrugged it off no doubt. it made hyungwon feel like he lost. )you know i still love you, right? he didn’t want to hear it. wanted to shout as much and tell jaeho that it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t the kind of love he wanted. he stayed silent instead.it was hard to avoid him, harder even to hold his tongue, not to look up when jaeho entered the room, not to smile at him, not to cry. he went to spend time with yuta instead, tried to work harder on practicing and staying away, but it hurt. him more than jaeho and more than he realised, probably. silently, he made it barely into the second week before padding out of his bed, out of his room and into jaeho’s. silently, he slid into his bed, burrowing beneath the covers and clinging onto the warm body beneath without another word. it was useless to fight it; in the end he’d probably always come crawling back. 

[yutark]

( kkt ⇢ yuta shaped friend ) let's get ice cream after dance practice~!

( sms » loud boy jaeho )

- sure~ you’re paying though. (･ω<)☆- also if you’ve giving me bad news, ice cream won’t stop me from hitting you.

[rkkangjoon]

♫

RK meme - Song drabbles  │  Not accepting!

♫NieR: Automata-Rays of light

{AU; postapocalyptic world in which everyone turned into androids} 

He run, run across rubbles and fragments of an forgotten city, run past ruins that omniously rose into a greyish sky, run over his fallen comrades whose bodies were pflastering the cracked streets. A cruel, scary silence had fallen upon the dying world, as he kept on running towards his target, which kept on popping as a red point on his virtual screen. His partner had been separated from him, thrown far away after a shockwave had taken him over. The mother of machine creatures had received its final blow, a victory for humanity a devastating loss for the androids as most of them were out cold. Even putting them together wouldn't help them anymore, as their black boxes were fully destroyed. "Please be alright." 

He whispered to himself, as he climbed up an abandoned bridge, breaking off some of the concrete. When he had reached the top, he saw a laying silhouette from afar. Rushing over, he was able to make out his partner's face. It was shattered, half of the face was revealing metal and wires. "Are you ok? Answer me!" He shoke his partner, his friend in despair, trying to receive any kind of signal. But he remained silent. As he slowly lowered his head and rested it on the others chest, the arm moved and touched his cheek. "I'm here..." A weak smile, a ray of light, appeared on his lips, grateful and full of love.

[rkyooa]

♫

I - Taeyeon (au-ish?)

our fairytale starts when both our ducklings are very young, just barely able to walk. they wobble on their feet before bounding off into no particular direction, the struggle of standing on heels lifting to weightlessness as they teeter on their toes. it was natural and inherent, it was the need to dance. 

towing the lines of the realms they both resided in,never could they have imagined they would one day meet in a shared universe to learn their gift and to begin their journey together. she a princess, he a prince, in this tale of twinkling toes, but both locked away and hidden from the world, the princess in the tower and the prince in his chamber. 

separately, they dance as if they were dancing together, as if the other would appear as a figment next to them as they danced their days away. one day that ball would come, they both knew, where they could dance and dance for the whole world to see. 

that day did come, masks were worn, elegant gowns and ruffled dress robes too. they were disguised, but this was their chance. their hearts brought them to each other on that fated day. with cherry blossoms everywhere. they knew it was the other before them, and with a bow, they began to soar through a dream and dance until the break of dawn.

[yutark]

( kkt ⇢ yuta shaped friend ) duuuuuude. we should wear cheerleader uniforms and cover cheer up! imagine the hits we'd get on the vid

( sms » loud boy jaeho )

- no.- you can do that in your free time- wear as many skirts as you want- perform as many girl groups as you want- i broke my legs on those days