#rksdcasting

[rkjinwook]

how far i’ll go (reprise)

As soon as the casting notice is posted on the morning of the 20th, the news spreads like wildfire around the company. The whispers of “Baek Jiyoung CEO is debuting a new group!” spreads from one person to another, trainees and coaches alike, until there’s barely a soul who hasn’t heard what Sphere Entertainment plans to do before lunch break ends. Rumors abound about the concept, quickly exaggerated and easily argued over, until Park Heungsoo, one of the company’s vocal coaches, calls for attention in the middle of the bustling cafeteria. Once the room is quiet, he informs the group that all male trainees are to be called out by their trainers individually beginning after the lunch period. “Attendance for these meetings are mandatory,” he emphasizes loudly. “As they concern your future with the company, I advise you not to be late.”

True to his word, Park Heungsoo calls you to his office several hours later. Seated behind his desk, he greets you by name when you arrive and offers up a small smile. “As you might’ve already heard, our illustrious CEO intends to put together a new idol group. Luckily for you, you’ve already caught her eye as a possible member for it.” The trainer reaches for a paper on his desk which happens to be your company profile. He reads over the listed information with a critical eye before switching his attention back to you. “My question to you, Jinwook, is whether you’re interested in this opportunity and, if you are, where it is that you see yourself positioned in this group. Main singer? Or perhaps as a lead vocalist, or even as a dancer? Maybe even the leader?” Heungsoo places the paper aside, staring at you intently. “If you are interested in being in this group, know that I will immediately arrange to place you in a special training regimen to prepare you for the demands of this group. This may mean dancing lessons if you are lacking in that, or even singing lessons if I also want you to improve in that area.” Leaning back against his chair, Heungsoo nods towards the door. “Think over this proposition carefully and get back to me with an answer by the end of the week. You may go.”

FRIDAY NIGHT, 170922  |  “coach, park heungsoo! wait!” jinwook hustles down the hall, bangs flopping in his face. once in front of his coach he bows quickly, then straightens. “i’m so sorry to hold you up like this,” he says, “but do you have a minute?” a moment of pause, to catch his breath. heungsoo finishes locking up his office and lifts a brow of interest. a sense of finality settles in jinwook’s stomach. “it’s about the debut.”

“i don’t want to seem hesitant about the opportunity, i’m so thankful for it, i just needed a few days to talk it out, but—” brevity. the man commands a certain authority, and jinwook respects his time. he laughs off the end of the sentence and falls into step with heungsoo, running through his mental script one last time. they’re turning the first corner before jinwook gets his thoughts in line.

“i’m ready to commit. i want to debut in sphere’s new group..” there. it’s official. jinwook breaks into a smile again, this one genuine. it’s official!!

an attempt at curbing his smile fails, so jinwook continues his pitch with the same momentum, just like he’d rehearsed. “i’d like to be considered for a lead vocal spot. it’s where i’d fit best. i know i’m not the best singer here, but i’m good at harmonization, and i’m happy to support my teammates most of all.”

he sneaks a peek up at his vocal coach, eager for any reaction. “my voice… as you know, it can sometimes be hard to place in group choruses, so maybe i’m better suited for the other parts- verses, bridges. short and sweet.” he chuckles to himself and almost loses nerve for his follow-up. “—just like me, right?”

he hadn’t expected much of a reaction, and barrels on, self-conscious of his voice echoing in the hallways. “there have been a lot of different rumors about different concepts for the group, but..” a bit of hesitance sneaks into his voice here, but jinwook reminds himself to be confident in his ambitions. “if there ever comes the opportunity to take creative direction or even help to write songs for sphere — it’s one of the biggest dreams of mine, to share the music i’m most passionate about.”

they’re nearing the exit, and jinwook rushes to close. “but really, i’m so grateful for the opportunity. in the end, i’d even learn to rap if that’s where you needed me. whatever happens — i don’t want to let you down, or baek jiyoung ceo, or any of my teammates. i want to be someone reliable.”

afterward, he watches from the window until park heungsoo is out of sight, and finally his legs turn to jelly — an oddity, because they’re also rushing with adrenaline, and jinwook doesn’t know what to do with this contradiction of sensations. he just closes his eyes and throws his arms out, spinning twice around, letting energy flow out through his fingertips, embracing the dizziness.

when he opens them again, sphere’s receptionist is watching him, amused. he can’t remember if he’d asked her for advice, too, but he wouldn’t really be surprised at himself. with how much he’d been blabbing about the offer to anyone who will listen, he’s sure all of seocho, plus his entire hometown knows the news by now.

regardless, word travels especially quickly in the entertainment business. the receptionist looks between jinwook and the door swinging behind his coach’s departure, her brow lifted, interest piqued.

“so… you’re in?”

yes! he’s in! — jinwook melts into giddy laughter, tempted to grab her hand and dance her around the lobby — tempted to sprint back into sphere’s halls, shouting the news to anyone who will listen.

“how could i say no?!”

[rkxroyal]

SPHERE DEBUT CASTING —                                                singing — park jungmin’s not alone.                                                dancing — bts’ jimin lie.

no one tells you what exactly you have to give up to achieve your dreams.

there are ideas, sure. there are things that are often talked about when you reach for something so carefully out of your grasp; some give up homes, lovers-- some give up lifelong friendships and they give up morals, viewpoints. they toss aside morality for a taste at reaching a utopia they’ve only dreamed about.

no one tells you exactly what it is, but woohyun thinks it ranges from person to person. his family gave up luxuries to instead create the perfect family in their eyes, his brother gave up school to open a business he’s wanted since he was a kid; jisook gave up her home in the country to live with his brother in the name of love.

and woohyun? woohyun’s dream is to be on stage. woohyun wants to sing and be heard and be loved and adored. when everything started, when he received the kt contract he knew he was signing away his life and easy living. 

           but with this debut audition, he’s giving up almost two years of blood, sweat and tears of indulging in a family he thought would be everything. 

there is nothing he wants more than to debut with kt -- he really, truthfully does. but woohyun’s nearing thirty, and he has only a handful of years left before he needs to think about more adult things. the entertainment world can’t properly adore a man well grown when there are younger, more agile kids on the stage.

so he has to try. he has to do it now before it gets to be too late.

    the song is nothing heart felt. a slow start that moves into something faster. woohyun inhales and exhales-- breathes out any sort of fright or hesitation; if there’s anything he needs to do, is to show off how well kt taught him. how well kt molded and perfect him to be someone he finds to be better than the woohyun two years ago. 

“that tired expression in your eyes always remains in me. other than your breath, i can’t see your breath, i can’t see your image and i cannot make you stay.” his breathing shudders as he inhales, keeping his eyes focused forward the best he can. the red light blinks at him, and he grits his teeth as he tries to will the tension out from his bones. “more exhausted now, stop stop stop. get out of everything, step, step, step. there is no return even though ending it will cause tears.”

he hopes that at the end of all this, he’ll be able to still consider the kt kids as a family; even if he passes, even if he fails. he hopes the taste of a betrayal that woohyun desperately thinks this won’t poison their image of him. woohyun is just as kind and loving as he is, and he wants everything for his friends. that will, without a doubt, never change; but woohyun will, time ages and soon he needs to focus on the reality of how the world works.

“so i can believe, i’m not alone. not alone now, not sad anymore. and i can feel it-- i’m not alone. definitely not alone. i’ll never be exhausted again.” his voice shudders, and the emotion is raw in his tone. maybe it’s not the best idea, or maybe it’s something extravagant-- but woohyun can’t keep himself from tumbling over. the despair he feels is real, realer than ever.”even if more time passes by, i’m not alone. because of you alone, i can believe.”

the lyrics are true as they can be, and woohyun feels them down to his bones. the rest of the song passes as easily as it can-- and when he finishes he feels raw. he feels alone and tired and so utterly vulnerable.

          but perhaps it’s for the best.

the dancing portion takes a few tries for him to complete. the music settles in, and it’s a dance with a lot of footwork, a lot of emotion in the sway of his hands and body. he snaps his body to the right and to the left, hands reaching out for something he can’t fully grasp. 

he moves himself with the beat, eyes falling shut and expression shifting-- pain, sorrow, anger and apathy. it all rushes over him, suffocates him and he exerts out the feeling of it into his dance. he’s never been the best dancer, but woohyun tries his god damned best to perfect it. 

the popping of his joints at the right intervals makes his body twinge with exertion, but he grits his teeth and keeps moving, hair flipping to one side and the other with how fast he jerks his body around to match the original. 

he wraps his arms around himself, twirls his body and stops himself, lazy, staggering steps before he’s moving into the next sequence. fingers wrap around his neck, slide down his body. woohyun may be good with words, may be good with showing how he feels-- he wears his heart on his sleeve, but it’s not so much the words, not so much the dance.

woohyun is good at showing emotion, and sometimes that can be both a blessing and a curse.

                because he feels like he’s dying at the same time he feels as if he’s living.                            (he just hopes it’s worth the pain in the end.)

[kibumrk]

KIM KIBUM    ;    SPHERE AUDITION         dance - toy         song - simple     ( acoustic )

once jaehyun and dongmin both tell him they’re auditioning, the choice is easy for kibum. he knew from the beginning he would do it, as long as he wasn’t leaving jaehyun and dongmin behind. still, it’s hard to leave, hard to say goodbye to the company that offered a contract renewal to a 24-year-old, the company to which he’s given so much time and dedication for the last three years. 

but still. with royal debuting a girl group soon, he can’t put all his trust in the idea that they’ll have the time to debut him. he’s facing military service in a few years, and if he doesn’t debut before then he doesn’t know what he’ll do. would any company re-sign someone more than thirty years old? thinking about it makes him feel slightly nauseous. 

rachel told him that royal wouldn’t have signed him if they didn’t have plans for him, and he understands what she means, but he just can’t take that risk. 

he waits until he knows jaehyun and dongmin have both already filmed their tapes to film his own. he even helps dongmin with his own choreography, alongside rachel. now, though, he’s ready to get started on his own videos. 

he’s been working on his own auditions since the announcement, because it didn’t take long at all to come up with the songs he’d be doing. this seems like the perfect opportunity to unveil the song he’s been writing since almost the beginning of the year. for his dance, he knew immediately that he would do an updated version of the same dance that got him into royal. 

the video starts with him in position, standing in the middle of a seocho practice room and looking down at his feet. he looked back at the choreography he originally used ( thank god for his youtube channel ) and modified it, making it match his since-changed style and skill level. 

the past dance was very reminiscent of the first time he choreographed for the song, when it was meant to be a group dance for himself and luminosity. he changed it to a solo dance for the sake of the audition, but for the most part the moves and overarching concept of the dance being about a puppet under control didn’t change. 

he doesn’t want to be a puppet this time, though. this isn’t about him submitting, being a pawn for the company. he is still under their rule, sure -- moving to sphere won’t change the fact that an entertainment company basically owns his soul -- but he wants to establish, at least in his own mind, the idea that he’s his own person, that he makes his decisions. 

since he’s been in royal, the group that made the song finally had their first concert, but the dance for the song ended up being a simple one -- traditional girl group-esque moves done through half of the song as it was used as a transition between two of their more popular ones. kibum still decides to incorporate some of those feminine moves into his choreography, though -- it’s always been an important part of his personal style to not give a damn about gender norms, and he likes being able to give that little nod to the artist, even if he’s almost certain they didn’t choreograph it themselves.

the dance tells less of a story now, but is more of a here i am, this is who i am. take me as i am or not at all kind of message. it shows off his skill, with difficult hip-hop popping and smooth flow throughout, but also his personality, what with the cheeky mixture of traditionally “girly” moves with the more common hip hop style. 

he cuts out the second verse, dancing through the slow beginning, the chorus, the dance break, and the final chorus. there isn’t a time limit, he knows, but he doesn’t see much point in dancing to a verse that sounds just like the first one. 

the dance break, however, is where he really shines. almost every sound made in the electronic break down has its own small popping move associated with it, until kibum ends up on his knees on the floor, until the song sounds like it’s being turned back on and he rises smoothly, moving right back into a repeat of the chorus choreography, but with much more force now that he’s fighting an invisible battle, some force that knocked him down before he got back up again to finish the song. 

( so maybe he didn’t fully eliminate the symbolism from the choreography. whatever. sue him. )

the dance finally ends with him punching the air after the final never of the lyrics, and he edits the video so that the screen goes black then, as if he literally punched the lights out. 

when the video fades in again, kibum is sitting on a stool in front of the camera. behind him are two of royal’s coaches, ready to play piano and guitar, respectively. one is his lyric writing teacher and the other his piano teacher, both of whom are proud enough of him to help him out with this, even though it means he intends to leave royal. 

( “it’s not important where you end up. it’s important that you debut, and that someone who isn’t us hears you sing this,” they said in response to his concerns about them helping him with an audition for another company. the words stick with him, and run through his mind as he begins singing. )

I’m standing on the last road for today It’s like this every day In this big world I know I’m like a particle of dust Nothing is easy In this exit-less, maze-like world

this first verse was the most emotional he let himself get in the whole song -- he wanted the first song he wrote to be positive, a reminder of the one word that inspired the whole thing -- happiness. it took him a long time to understand that not every lyric had to be filled with poetic genius, but once he embraced that concept it became a lot easier to write. 

Happiness is only a word It’s just a dream that everyone wants But that doesn’t make sense I don’t even wanna believe that Yeah I just want it simple, simple oh

he finds the chorus a little ironic, because hasn’t his life thus far been everything but simple? he’s hardly lived a textbook life -- he was kicked out before he graduated high school, then instead of even thinking about going to university he lived on the streets for another year before moving across the world for two years. then six months after returning, he became a trainee and has been at royal ever since, feeling his own life stagnate as everyone else kept moving, going on through milestones and careers as he stayed behind in training, day in and day out. 

this could be the end of that -- this could mean the beginning of a new era for him, when he can finally start moving forward again, finally feel like he’s beginning to accomplish the dream he’s been working towards for so long. 

Everything that makes me breathe I want it to be simple Until it goes far far away Until I can’t see

he could be giving up a lot. if sphere makes him move into a dorm, then he and rachel will almost certainly have to break up simply from the fact that they’ll never see each other. 

he hates the words break up. it sounds too -- and he hates the pun -- simple for them. it feels like he can’t break up with rachel at this point, because they’re each too much a part of the other. even if he had to stop texting her, stop all contact for months before sphere finally debuted him, he still wouldn’t feel like they had broken up. he would miss her, of course, but would always know that it wouldn’t truly be over -- if he ever gave up, or if they ever kicked him out, or if his career finally reached a point where they could be openly together, he knows she’d be there, waiting for him. 

( sometimes he thinks that dongmin and jaehyun’s insistence that they’re married isn’t actually that far off. lately, those thoughts have been affecting him less and less -- he wonders if it’s because he sees the truth in them. )

Em I want it simple yeah Even if everyone says I’m wrong I hope we can all smile when the night is over

his voice is far from perfect, and he still isn’t entirely sure he shouldn’t have just done the rap he wrote for evaluations. but his lyric writing coach insisted that this song deserves this honor much more than his evaluation rap -- while the rap was good, he also wrote it in just a couple weeks. he’s been working on this for months. 

“your voice is good enough to do it justice,” she tells him. “just sing. sphere values creativity, and this is better writing than your rap, because you’ve been working on it for so long. you deserve to let it shine. sitting on it for any longer isn’t going to make it much better than it is now.”

Everything that makes me breathe I want it to be simple Until it goes far far away Until I can’t see I call you baby yeah Baby’s called my happiness yeah Yeah I just want it simple, simple I want it simple

and as kibum nears the end of the song, hearing the instruments behind him follow his lead throughout every note and verse, he finally accepts the decision he’s making. in the end, it’s just like the song -- simple. 

he’s taking an opportunity presented to him, even after considering the potential consequences. jaehyun and dongmin are auditioning with him, so he doesn’t have to worry about leaving them behind. ( he’ll deal with what he’ll do if he gets in and they don’t if and when he has to make that decision. ) royal was going to make him stop seeing rachel at some point anyway -- they both knew that when they started this last year. 

happiness and dreams are simple, once you break it down. rachel will always wait for him, so there really isn’t a choice here. 

Oh I want it simple oh yeah I want it simple

[jaehyunrk]

sphere debut, casting audition. * piano & vocals               –– song: park hyoshin, wild flower ( with piano ). ( 1/2 )

he’s been conflicted from the start, unknowing of whether to take this chance or not. it’s been a constant battle in his mind; he’s loved royal from the start. and the trainees had only made his love for the company even stronger. it’s funny because he knows where this fear of moving on stems from. 

though he knows that if he doesn’t at the very least try, he’d live with this constant regret hanging in his mind. when he’d first heard about the auditions, jaehyun had thought that his decision would be easy. “if not royal, then where?”

yet he’d spent sleepless nights, pondering over this question. “then where?”

his fear of change had many times worked against him. not this time, he thought. not anymore.

he knows that there’s also the possibility of not being picked and that possibility is very real. after all, in comparison to some of the older trainees, jaehyun hasn’t been in the company for too long (six months). still, that thirst for debut –– jaehyun had it too.

there’s the question of just how valuable jaehyun is. sure he’s a fairly good singer ( or at least that’s what he’d like to believe, really ). his dancing isn’t spectacular but it isn’t horrible either.

he levels himself, compares himself to everyone else and maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be too bad to try.

the song he picks is the first song he’d sung during his very first evaluation. jaehyun knows that perhaps he delves into memories too much but it’s a song he’s comfortable with, a song that he’s received criticism and feedback for. at the very least, even if this fear of change hangs within him, there’s still this comfort of it being his first song that stays.

he decides to put his own twist into it this time though, and instead uses the piano as an accompaniment. if there’s anything he thinks he’s better at than singing, he’d like to believe that it’s his ability to play the piano ( thank you mum and dad for forcing me into lessons, he briefly thinks ).

it’s probably he’s third take by now and jaehyun wonders once again if this is worth it. if this is a sign that he should just stay in royal and not wander of somewhere else.

i have family here. 

one more time. 

he gulps down his bottle of water and clicks record once more.

one more time.

his fingers hit the piano, gently playing each note, his eyes don’t wander away from the keys except to close them ever so slightly. 

하얗게 피어난 얼음 꽃 하나가 달가운 바람에 얼굴을 내밀어 아무 말 못했던 이름도 몰랐던 지나간 날들에 눈물이 흘러        ( a white ice flower that bloomed        puts its face out in the welcoming wind        it sheds tears over the wordless and nameless past )

he begins and just like his instructor had told him months ago, he pours his heart into the song.

( “you’re a good singer. but i feel like you lack something.”

the boy stares at the instructor, hands clenched against the bottom of his shirt nervously. it’s his first evaluation after all, jaehyun doesn’t want a bad first impression.

“you’re still young, so it’s possible you don’t know hearbreak yet,” the instructor laughs and jaehyun finds himself smiling along as well. “it’s emotion. you need a little more emotion when you sing.” )

and so jaehyun does just that. it’s true, he’s never experienced heartbreak –– or at least, not the kind of romantic heartbreak many believe to be the only and strongest kind to exist. 

he thinks of himself. thinks of how the first time he’d sung this song, it was almost a dedication to his father –– the man that had never heard his own son sing.

차가운 바람에 숨어 있다 한줄기 햇살에 몸 녹이다 그렇게 너는 또 한번 내게 온다       ( hiding in the cold wind       melting down under the single ray of sunlight       that’s how you came to me once more )

jaehyun had been a winter child, born in february to a family that hadn’t been as loving as he hoped. he’d spent much of his childhood putting up a facade, had been trained to do things a certain way.

that’s how you came to me once more.

and then he thinks of royal –– no. he thinks of kibum. he thinks of their encounter in london years ago, how fifteen year old jaehyun had ran up to a stranger, attempting to save his life (only to have his own saved in return).

좋았던 기억만 그리운 마음만 니가 떠나간 그 길 위에 이렇게 나만 서있다 잊혀질 만큼만 괜찮을 만큼만 눈물 머금고 기다린 떨림 끝에 다시 나를 피우리라       ( only good memories, only a longing heart       on the path where you left me       i’m standing alone       only until i can forget you, until i will be alright       i’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait       i will bloom once again )

it’s a song about growth, and throughout his last few years, jaehyun had learnt many things about himself. he sings the song like a story, memory reeling in his head. he sees kibum and he sees their past.

as much as he’d jokingly called kibum ‘dad’, kibum had always been more of a father to jaehyun than his own. so he knows where this fear stems from, this inability to leave royal (maybe because royal felt so much more like a home than his home ever did too).

i will bloom once again. though he also knows that he can’t stay like this forever, so afraid. so jaehyun will grow –– he’ll take this chance to grow.

his fingers glide against the piano as he readies himself for the second verse, and he understands now what his instructor had meant when he’d said jaehyun had been lacking emotion the first time he sang. 

he’d been lacking fear and desperation.

he feels it now.

사랑은 피고 또 지는 타버리는 불꽃 빗물에 젖을까 두 눈을 감는다       ( love is a fiery flower that blooms and withers       in case i get wet with the rain, i close my eyes )

and jaehyun just does just this as he sings. he closes his eyes and pours every emotion into this song.

what he sees is the other royal trainees, what he remembers is them. 

어리고 작았던 나의 맘에 눈부시게 빛나던 추억 속에 그렇게 너를 또 한번 불러본다       ( in my youth and small heart       the dazzling memories shine       i call out to you once again )

there’s this tightening in his chest as he sings. he thinks of dongmin, thinks of baekhyun, thinks of yien –– he thinks of everybody he’s interacted with in royal.

in his mind sits the memory of baekhyun treating him out to kbbq the day he’d gotten the call for royal. 

where, he wonders, where else could he find camaraderie like this? who else would treat him out to kbbq?

his dream was once to get into a company before it evolved itself into debuting with the royal boys.

and now jaehyun was taking a step that scared him, a step towards change.

좋았던 기억만 그리운 마음만 니가 떠나간 그 길 위에 이렇게 나만 서있다 잊혀질 만큼만 괜찮을 만큼만 눈물 머금고 기다린 떨림 끝에 그때 다시 나는       ( only good memories, only a longing heart       on the path where you left me       i’m standing alone       only until i can forget you, until i will be alright       i’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait       then once again, i will )

he sings the chorus once again with more vigour. as he sings he realizes that his heart isn’t wavering, he’d just been a boy who never quite experienced this much familial love and jaehyun was afraid of letting that go.

he sings with certainty, confidence, longing. just like the song is about.

메말라가는 땅 위에 온몸이 타 들어가고 내 손끝에 남은 너의 향기 흩어져 날아가       ( on top of the dry land       my entire body is burning       your scent that remained on my fingers is scattering away )

the song gets to it’s climax and he has to raise his voice to reach the higher notes, his heart bursts as he sings and for a moment jaehyun is afraid he might actually cry.

which is ridiculous really, crying because of memories, because of the boys he’s trained with.

your scent that remained on my fingers is scattering away.

his voice gets louder as he reaches the last chorus, his own eyes closed as he feels the piano below his fingers, tapping on each note of the song.

멀어져 가는 너의 손을 붙잡지 못해 아프다 살아갈 만큼만 미워했던 만큼만 먼 훗날 너를 데려다 줄 그 봄이 오면 그날에 나 피우리라       ( your hand that is growing far apart       i can’t hold onto it so it hurts       just until i can survive, just as much as i hated you       when the spring comes to bring you back later on       then i will bloom on that day )

jaehyun finally understands it, he understands the desperation in this song. this intense need to grow, to bloom. it’s funny because he was after all a part of the ‘royal garden’. 

he sings with passion, voice getting higher and louder as he falls deep into the melody of himself singing. he remembers his first evaluation, how he’d only chosen this song to challenge himself, to find out if he really could hit those notes or not. and now, to finally be able to do it cleaner, he feels a sense of pride.

and then he pauses, takes in a deep breath for dramatics before he presses the keys against the piano once more. slowly, gently, as the song comes to an end.

“la... la... la...”

he sings, longing in his eyes as he does so. he’d wanted debut a lot more than he thought. he feels stronger.

[jacerk]

● sphere casting; self choreographed danced to too much by loco singing&rapping to best of me by bts

 At times jihoon wasn't even surprised at how disloyal he was towards companies that offered him a contract. He dropped out from trc because the stress was getting to him as well as the lack of sleep, but his parents became his first priority when it came to him leaving. Now, he was going to betray kt quite soon because sphere was the place he felt he'd belong the most.

He had most of his friends there, seungcheol, soojung even sehun! Just the thought of having all three of them within a arm's reach was enough to made jihoon feel at ease and nearly as if he was at home.

So he was willing to take this opportunity in order to at least try and see if sphere ent, or baek jiyoung would see anything in him. He wanted to wow the ceo, but he was aware he was setting the bar high. Even if he was confident when it came to dancing, even if it took him quite a while to come up with the whole choreography. He went out of his usual sexual style or straight up hip hop, and focused on a more pop and lock style, with quite a bit of levels in the dance. He was sure that ever since the top 5 companies got under samsung, they had all seen videos of other trainee's especially from the trc triple thread audition. So jihoon was okay with going in for something different this time.

The dance style reminded him of when he was auditioning for trc and he liked it, it felt like going back to memory lane, leading to a lot of flash backs and about how he didn't have any expectations, but he received a lot in return.

So he found himself in one of the kt dance studio, behind the camera which was already recording. He played the song, a good few seconds before the whole dance started, so he walked into shot while dancing a bit. He stopped and looked at the camera once he was ready, eyes glued to the small lens and he waited  for the specific beat to drop. As soon as that happened, his body moved by itself, all moves fluid and perfectly calculated.

There was always that content expression on his face, a smile or grin placing itself every now and then as well, because he enjoyed this.

There was an odd way of counting all the steps and moves jihoon did, but they all worked, they fit in perfectly with the music and showed his more creative side. A lot of popping was done, which was because he wanted to branch out a bit and do something new. After all, he liked to know he would have creativity over at least a small proportion of the things he does in sphere. If not, he still uploaded regularly to his youtube channel, and he had a lot of variety there. The mirrors behind the camera showed him that he was doing it effortlessly, even power and sharpness in his moves as well, and all of them had smooth translation into one another. 

Before the next beat dropped, jihoon went low, using his hands for support and pushing himself up when it dropped, hands gripping the air and hip trustbusting.

There were so many small details in this dance, jihoon always managed to impress himself at how a human's body moves. He liked it, a lot. Even if the dance was high intensity, he still enjoyed it, because he just enjoyed dancing. It was his passion and he really just wanted to show the word that he was worth being watched.

When the chorus kicked in, and after he threw his hands in the air, yelling along to the lyrics over the music, his movements became more relaxed for a few seconds, because the beat was smooth and he didn't need that much sharpness and power in the simple small gestures he was doing. Soon after, when the beat in the music came back, he put the sharpness back in the moves. Smile tugging on his lips as he knew that he song was coming to an end, but he didn't stop after the drop, because he was aware that the music would continue in the back ground. It wasn't planned, for him to continue dancing, but her did. Dropping down to the floor and standing up only to spin, before dancing out of the frame and going to stop the music.

This would probably be one of jihoon's favorite self created choreographies. And even if he had to re-record the video a few times before he decided he was really happy with this specific version, he was still happy and was going to be proud of himself when he hands it over. Definitely going to show it to seungcheol sometime as well.

But now he found himself standing yet again, in front of the camera ready to sing and rap. Honestly, he knew he wasn't the best, but he was good enough with his vocal range, as long as he wasn't nervous, he was good. And after the dance he finally was happy with it being recorded, he could happily move on to do the second task sphere ent wanted them to do. It was a fairy new song, bts's best of me, but it screamed so much about seungcheol and his friendship, that jihoon felt like it was suitable for this occasion.

He had enough time to calm his breathing down and drink enough water so he could be able to keep his voice in tact, because of the notes were high, and he needed a lot of concentration and balance, especially with the actual high notes.

He played the song a few seconds before it ended, so he was in the center of the camera lens when he had to sing. He had the wired mic pressed to his lips, ready to start any second. It was a really hard song, especially the start. He had to sing before there was even a beat, but jihoon managed it, because he was tapping his foot to a specific rhythm the song was going with.

When you say that you love me 난 하늘 위를 걷네 영원을 말해줘 just one more time

He kept his breathing steady, making sure he was taking the proper amount of air at the proper time, and keeping his voice stable. That was easy because he didn't have to move, and just enjoy the song, pour out his feelings into it, even if he was aware seungcheol might not be able to see him sing this song, or even hear him.When you say that you love me

난 그 한 마디면 돼 변하지 않는다고 just one more time

He kept changing his range all the time when each member sang, especially when it was a lower register, one he wasn't used to singing, but he forced himself to be able to go that low. It gave the song more dept.

넌 내게 이 세계의 전부 같아 더 세게 아프게 날 꽉 껴안아 우리가 나눈 something And you can't make it nothing 잊지 않아줬으면 해 넌 내

That was when he inhaled again, head slightly lowered as his eyes closed, listening to his voice as it boomed through the stereo in the room, seamlessly mixing in with the instrumental. He had a high note coming soon and he had to execute it.

하루하루 여름, 겨울 넌 몰라도

He finally looked up at the camera, finally showing confidence because the song came to its turning point and he could be okay with being charismatic.

You got the best of me

He sang and pulled the mic away, body lightly bouncing to the beat of the song, mic slowly making its way back to his lips, and the british accent could be heart perfectly.

You got the best of me So please just don't leave me You got the best of me

Jihoon couldn't help but smile, more to himself than the lyrics, but he would just smile through his pain about rapping. He always smiled when he struggled, but it always seemed like he was enjoying it, laugh the pain away, was what he always said to himself n these situations.

나도 나의 끝을 본 적 없지만 그게 있다면 너지 않을까 다정한 파도고 싶었지만 니가 바다인 건 왜 몰랐을까 어떡해 너의 언어로 말을 하고 또 너의 숨을 쉬는데 I'll be you 날 쥐고 있는 너 난 너의 칼에 입맞춰

This rap verse was very okay with him. It had an even tempo, lyrics were easy and the rhymes were good for him to follow. So he did, with his body definitely more relaxed than in the beginning, jihoon finally was allowing himself to enjoy this song as well, even if the next verse was something he wasn't sure he had done before. It went from sing-rapping to full on speed rapping, but with the amount of practice and time he spend on that specific rap verse, jihoon was sure he'd nail it.

그러니 take my hand right now 이런 내가 믿기지 않아

As he rapped along, he stepped forward to the camera, extending his hand towards it and kept on walking, before slowing down and the extended hand moved rhythmically, enough to follow the way the beat and rhyme of the verse. It made jihoon feel more natural as he did that, made him feel okay with rapping as he continued with the verse, feet naturally taking him slowly around the space the camera was capturing him in.

속으로만 수천 번은 더 말했었던 그 말 그대는 날 떠나지 마

Then he looked at the camera and smiled, lifting his free hand to point at it, hand lifting up and down just by a few centimeters at every word he said, emphasizing it, as his feet dragged him back to the center of the frame.

You got the best of me You got the best of me 꿈인지 현실인지는 딱히 중요치 않지 그저 니가 내 곁에 있다는 게 Thanks

With that, jihoon took a very deep and loud breath into the microphone, so he had enough for the bridge of the song, and he could continue the chorus itself.

하루하루 여름, 겨울 넌 몰라도You got the best of me You got the best of me So please just don't leave me You got the best of me

Once jihoon said the last line, he pulled the mic quickly away from his lips and stepped back, bringing it back up in order to sing the hook.

넌 나의 구원 넌 나의 창 난 너만 있으면 돼 You got the best of me 니가 필요해 So please just don't leave me You got the best of me

The two you got the best of me were left unsaid by jihoon as they were heard in the instrumental.

 비가 내리던 나 눈이 내리던 나 모든 불행을 멈추고 천국을 데려와

And another loud breath came from the mic, as the trainee tried to keep up with the song. It didn't mean he was out of breath tho, he tried to not look out of breath, it was just plain hard to sing all parts when there is so little space to breath properly.

쉽게 말하지 마 너 없는 난 없어 넌 내 best of me The best of me

That gave the trainee enough to time to catch his breath for the bridge, which was a lot softer sang, and quite emotional, but even if jihoon's voice sounded exactly how it needed to be to fit the mood of the lyrics, he was definitely nervous about the following rap. He wasn't really sure if he'd have enough air for it.

그냥 나에 대한 확신을 줘 그게 내가 바란 전부이니까 우리의 규율은 없다 해도 사랑하는 법은 존재하니까

He got a chance to inhale now, but those four lines were almost enough for him to have no air in his lungs because of how little time he had to breath, but it didn't stop him from patting his free hand over his chest looking straight at the camera. And asking the following two questions, because he knew the answer to them.

Who got the best of me? Who got the best of me?

Seungcheol.

누구도 몰라 but I know me 내 최고의 주인인 걸 넌 

and with that, jihoon pulled the microphone away from his lips, head tipped upwards towards the ceiling and just staring at it as the music in the background played. He had a few seconds to collect his thoughts, his emotions, breath in properly, close his eyes and calm down. He didn't know how he could get so emotional about someone, in a situation like this, but he really owes seungcheol a lot.

넌 나의 구원 넌 나의 창 난 너만 있으면 돼 You got the best of me 니가 필요해 So please just don't leave me You got the best of me

The hook seemed a lot easier than the precious ones, all the english as on the instrumental, and he just needed to focus on the last few seconds of the song. And even though he had still been looking up at the ceiling, while he sang the hook, his gaze slowly dropped to the camera and he found himself standing in the same place in the beginning of the whole recording. His voice was a lot softer, it almost made jihoon feel like it could be broken by anything, even a gush of wind, but it was his voice. He knew how to control it so it was pleasant and sounded unique. His breathing follow the one of the original singer, it gave it a lot more meaning and depth yet again.

When you say that you love me 난 하늘 위를 걷네 영원을 말해줘 just one more time

He breathed in again once the piano keys echoed in the back ground, making him focus on his singing yet again, because it was louder than the instrumental. It made him feel a bit more self cautious about how he sounded, out of breath and a bit broken, he didn't think he was broken yet, but the song did have a special meaning and it got the better of him.

When you say that you love me 난 그 한 마디면 돼 변하지 않는다고 just one more time

Finally, when it all finished, jihoon slowly let his hand with the microphone fall to his side and he stared at the camera a bit more, blinking a few fast times in order to collect himself and bowed respectfully. He then straightened back up and walked out of the frame.

After re-wacthing both videos at least twelve times in order to find at least one thing wrong with them and failing, jihoon found himself at the main office the next day with the flash drive in his hand. He handed it, thanked the staff and walked out. It was set and done, all he could do is wait.

[seungcheolrk]

hope is not lost today, it is found.

As soon as the casting notice is posted on the morning of the 20th, the news spreads like wildfire around the company. The whispers of “Baek Jiyoung CEO is debuting a new group!” spreads from one person to another, trainees and coaches alike, until there’s barely a soul who hasn’t heard what Sphere Entertainment plans to do before lunch break ends. Rumors abound about the concept, quickly exaggerated and easily argued over, until Park Heungsoo, one of the company’s vocal coaches, calls for attention in the middle of the bustling cafeteria. Once the room is quiet, he informs the group that all male trainees are to be called out by their trainers individually beginning after the lunch period. “Attendance for these meetings are mandatory,” he emphasizes loudly. “As they concern your future with the company, I advise you not to be late.”

True to the vocal trainer’s words, one of Sphere’s rap coaches, Kim Seungwook, calls you to his office several hours later. Seated behind his desk, Seungwook greets you by name when you arrive and offers up a sly smile. “As you might’ve already heard, our charming CEO intends to put together a new idol group. Luckily for you, you’ve already caught her eye as a possible member for it.” The trainer reaches for a paper on his desk which happens to be your company profile. He reads over the listed information with a critical eye before switching his attention back to you. “My question to you, Seungcheol, is whether you’re interested in this opportunity and, if you are, where it is that you see yourself positioned in this group. Main rapper? Or perhaps as a lead vocalist, or even as a dancer? Maybe even the leader?” He places the paper aside, staring at you intently. “If you are interested in being in this group, know that I will immediately arrange to place you in a special training regimen to prepare you for the demands of this group. This may mean dancing lessons if you are lacking in that, or even rap lessons if I also want you to improve in that area.” Leaning back against his chair, Seungwook nods towards the door. “Think over this proposition carefully and get back to me with an answer by the end of the week. You may go.”

it’s almost comical how quickly a fresh can of worms opens as he leaves his meeting with coach kim. what had started as a simple ‘are you interested in debuting?’ had spiralled into a catastrophic mess of self-doubt and uncertainty within seconds, and whilst seungcheol likes to hope this is just him, just him and his usual insecurities, he knows better that almost every sphere trainee will be wondering the same thing — am I ready? 

there are a lot of things he needs to ask himself over the next few days, and he does, solely himself, because even though he desperately wants to ask for others’ opinions, he knows that the ones that matter are only going to say it’s his decision to make; that he should follow his heart and not someone else’s. that’d been one of his many fatal flaws for years, hadn’t it? always putting others’ opinions over his own— never stopping others’ amusement at his fears in high school despite how it would upset him, always believing he had to earn his place at sphere in the eyes of others despite knowing deep down that he wouldn’t have it if he didn’t deserve it. 

and he knows there’ll be a lot of sacrifices to make. he won’t have as much time to spend with his friends outside of the group or his parents. he won’t have as much time at all, really, and he can kiss his monthly youtube commitment goodbye. he’ll have to do things he’s nervous about or that he doesn’t find as much interest in like commercials and photoshoots ( again, the words ‘visual hole’ echo in his mind, but he pushes them away; they’re not a concern just yet ), but does any of it feel like enough to turn his back on this incredible opportunity? does it really matter regardless, knowing that whether he debuts now or later, he’ll still have to forfeit the same predebut perks no matter what? 

the second umbrella question he asks himself is whether or not he deserves it. in an ideal world, he’d say yes. he’d confidently nod his head thinking back over the past eleven months since he signed the contract and say yes, I’ve worked hard. but instead he thinks of the people who have been here longer, the people who have grown far more than he has even in the same or shorter time, and he pales. his fingers shake against his thighs in the cold darkness of his room at 1am, because even though he got home just over two hours ago and he has to get back up in a few more hours for another day of training, wondering, he can’t sleep — only think. think about the future, his future and whether or not he deserves to live it now— at all. 

his thumbs hover over jihoon’s contact, waiting to hit call and let the tears flow out to a score of the younger’s soothing voice but seungcheol remembers he’s a trainee, too. he has to get up early, too, and he has to make this decision, too. and he feels selfish, for thinking that he’s the only one struggling at the moment, when it’s obvious the impact the announcement has made on the atmosphere at the seocho building— the impact it will continue to make on everyone’s lives, whether they go for it or not. ‘debut’ is a word many of their trainees have been waiting to hear for years and he thinks, I don’t deserve it as much as them, yet I’ve been given this chance regardless, and he realises it’s not his decision to make if he’s worthy of this opportunity; it’s baek jiyoung’s, and she thinks he’s got something ( even if he doesn’t know what it is ) and who is he to argue? perhaps she had seen this potential in him from the start. perhaps that’s why she had signed him against the better judgement of her peers at his audition. perhaps he should stop worrying about whether or not he should’ve been given this opportunity and instead be grateful that he has been. 

a better question, the ultimate question, is really whether or not he wants this now — if he’s ready not only for the trials of being an idol but also in terms of growth. still, baek jiyoung having her ‘eye’ on him as a ‘potential member’ spills over into this, too. if she believes in him, why can’t he believe in himself? does he really think he’s ready for this— to fight against antis, to allow his entire life to be scrutinised under a microscope ( not to mention every move he makes after they go public, for the rest of his life ). he has no doubt that he will have to be ready for all of this in order to debut, but the question is now? is he ready now? 

( he thinks so, at least on some level. he thinks that’s probably included somewhere in the special training; that he’s probably going to develop a thicker skin as he’s pushed past his limits to prepare himself for the defining moment of the rest of his life. if he doesn’t, he’ll be surprised. )

but really, the question that stumps him the most, once he’s convinced himself with all his nervousness that he deserves this, that he should be grateful to be considered and that he’d be a fool not to take it, is where he fits in the grand scheme of things. 

“I—” he starts, habitually rubbing his finger against his thumb as his hands clasp together on his lap. it’s the afternoon of saturday, september 23rd, after practice has ended and his hair is stuck firmly to his forehead with sweat. he sucks in a deep breath, unsure of whether it’s because he ran here or because he has so much he feels he needs to say. “I want this opportunity— more than I think I or anyone else would have thought when it was presented to me.” he pauses, casts his eyes to the ground briefly before meeting seungwook’s once more. “I don’t think it’s up for debate how much I love music, but I think my tendency to be calmly passionate has made me seem... more laid-back about my dream than I truly am. I want this. this opportunity means the world to me and whilst I — like everyone else will have, or at least I hope, since this is a big decision — debated it over for a few days, I don’t think my decision is one I’m stating now with any hesitance.” 

he nods firmly. “I want to debut. I want to perform, make lifelong friends, live the dream I’ve had for so long — make myself and my loved ones proud. I want it. yes, I’m interested in the opportunity. more than interested, like— really interested.” he laughs softly, but soon, his expression curls down into a gentle frown.

“but your other question, where I see myself positioned... that...” he grunts in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “that’s something I’m unsure of.” 

his brain knows that rappers being so far and few between at sphere should make this a no-brainer, and his heart knows that rap is always the position he’d dreamt for himself, but as expected, he’s scared — scared of a lot of things, but mostly himself. 

“I think the logical answer is to say some form of rapper, be it main or lead, and given that my desire for years has been to pave the way for idol rappers, to prove that you don’t have to have immersed yourself in the underground scene for years and write diss tracks about your friends in order to be respected as a rapper— it should be an obvious choice.” he looks thoughtful for a moment, but he doesn’t give his coach enough time to reply should he want to. he isn’t done vomiting out his thoughts just yet. ( maybe this will be a downfall for him; give baek jiyoung enough reasons not to debut him, but he thinks it’s better to be completely honest, especially concerning the rest of his life — his dream. ) “but I don’t think it’s fair of me to put that pressure or judgement on the team. I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t want to not rap, but I don’t want to be a hindrance either. still, I think it’s the realistic choice if I’m to be given a specific role. I don’t think I would be a wise choice as a lead or main vocalist over most of the other trainees. as for dance, I really— please don’t place me as anything with the word ‘dance’ in.” he chuckles, cheeks tinted pink. “I think— realistically, I would be best placed as a main or lead rapper in the absence of a more obvious choice, or a filler member— and that’s— th-that’s not me just... doubting my abilities. it’s me accepting that I can harmonise, so I would be really useful for backing vocals. it’s me accepting that I don’t stand out against focused vocalists, but am still a strong singer, so would handle things like pre-choruses well, to lead into the main and lead vocalists.” 

he hums delicately, smiling as he thinks over his decision. it feels right to him to say it— to admit that he has never had this competitive drive he thinks a lot of trainees likely have. it feels right to admit that he’s a lot more committed than he thinks is expected of him without that dedication and desire to debut overtaking him and making him a glass house just waiting to be smashed. yes, he complains to himself a lot when he has to do things he doesn’t want to do, but he likes to think that that will all change when there’s more to it than just making it to the next month of the same routine— when it’s part of the dream he’s wanted for so long. 

“and you mentioned leader, too, and I don’t know if that’s just— like a blanket suggestion sphere is giving to everyone, but I think— I think I’m yet again, not the obvious choice and if there is to be one, that you should pick him, but that... if no one else wanted it, if everyone else was really opposed, then I’d love to learn on the job.” sure, he’s not the most confident public speaker right now, or the most charismatic, but he’s never doubted his natural care, his desire to take care of the people around him and listen to their concerns. soft. he supposes the word he should really be using is soft, but maybe he can learn the rest. perhaps he can grow more easily than he expects into whatever position sphere deems best for him, no matter what he’s spent the last ten minutes explaining. “I think I have the gentleness to be a leader behind the scenes, but I would need assistance to become a good leader in the public eye. but again, that’s sphere’s decision to make, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” 

he sucks in a deep breath, realises how much he’s said since he sat down, how honest he’s been ( far more than he ever has with anyone at sphere, his fellow trainees and coaches alike ) and he smiles. even if he doesn’t get this, even if baek jiyoung changes her mind, he’s proud of himself. this time last year, he would never have said he’d be contemplating debuting three hundred and sixty five days later, but now that he is, he’s grateful for the journey he’s been on and will continue to follow with sphere. he’s grateful for the man they’ll surely continue to shape him into in time, and above all, he’s grateful for them believing in him even when he didn’t. 

( yet, as he leaves the room with the weight finally off his shoulders, he thinks nothing will beat how grateful he’ll be for a smooth night’s sleep now his decision has been finalised. )

( a lie, he realises later, because he lies wide awake in bed thinking about the incredible things that may await him in the future and he’s too excited to sleep instead, and with a quiet laugh he decides he doesn’t mind a bit. I’m going to make them all proud. I’m going to make myself proud. I’m going to be the best version of myself that I possibly can. 

just watch. ) 

[rkohsehun]

take on me-*

As soon as the casting notice is posted on the morning of the 20th, the news spreads like wildfire around the company. The whispers of “Baek Jiyoung CEO is debuting a new group!” spreads from one person to another, trainees and coaches alike, until there’s barely a soul who hasn’t heard what Sphere Entertainment plans to do before lunch break ends. Rumors abound about the concept, quickly exaggerated and easily argued over, until Park Heungsoo, one of the company’s vocal coaches, calls for attention in the middle of the bustling cafeteria. Once the room is quiet, he informs the group that all male trainees are to be called out by their trainers individually beginning after the lunch period. “Attendance for these meetings are mandatory,” he emphasizes loudly. “As they concern your future with the company, I advise you not to be late.”

True to the vocal trainer’s words, one of Sphere’s dance coaches, Lee Suhyun, calls you to her office several hours later. Seated behind her desk, Suhyun greets you by name when you arrive and offers up a warm smile. “As you might’ve already heard, our delightful CEO intends to put together a new idol group. Luckily for you, you’ve already caught her eye as a possible member for it.” The trainer reaches for a paper on her desk which happens to be your company profile. She reads over the listed information with a critical eye before switching her attention back to you. “My question to you, Sehun, is whether you’re interested in this opportunity and, if you are, where it is that you see yourself positioned in this group. Main dancer? Or perhaps as a lead vocalist, or even as a rapper? Maybe even the leader?” Suhyun places the paper aside, staring at you intently. “If you are interested in being in this group, know that I will immediately arrange to place you in a special training regimen to prepare you for the demands of this group. This may mean singing lessons if you are lacking in that, or even dance lessons if I also want you to improve in that area.” Leaning back against her chair, Suhyun nods towards the door. “Think over this proposition carefully and get back to me with an answer by the end of the week. You may go.”

it had been an agonizing week, sehun notes, one he had spent thinking things through with utmost care. there were a lot of things he needed to consider that he kept telling himself not to get too blinded by the big opportunity laid out in front of him. it’s a huge step, almost as big as his decision to finally try his luck at living away from a pampered lifestyle, but a small part of him thinks this one weighs a tad heavier on his shoulder the more he ponders over it. it’s been what, a year? a year or so since he signed a contract under sphere and became a trainee. so much has happened in such a short time - he can actually carry a decent tune now, and higher than he’s ever heard himself do before - that sometimes he can’t help but wonder if he’s done enough. debuting and to perform on stage was everything he had wanted and that dream has not changed since then. but he has to reevaluate, understand if he’s really ready for this or not. it’s easy to accept everything and try to take each moment in a stride, but was he ready for the heavier expectation he’s bound to carry on his shoulders this decision would mean?

there was a lot to consider. was he happy? of course he is. he’s doing the one thing he loves, after all. he’s had this dream for so long that being given a chance like this feels sureeal, but was he ready? really ready? the dance coach, Lee Suhyun, had clearly informed him about a special training. doesn’t that mean more hours to spend on practice? that would definitely go against his plans to continue his university studies, not to mention a lot less time with his friends and family. it will require his utmost, undivided attention as well as almost ninety-five percent of his time. he isn’t sure yet, but there’s also the possibility of living together with the other trainees who accepted. and he had just settled in hugo’s place, too. and he thought getting signed in as a trainee was a battle itself, but the real battle only starts here. sehun had asked his closest friends for their opinion, and they had told him to go and do it without batting an eyelash, like how he had expected them to. there had been a small moment where he thought that maybe he’s going well ahead of himself here, and maybe it’ll be better to turn it down. but sehun isn’t the kind of person to quit without even trying, and he knows just as well that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he lets this kind of opportunity to slip past him just like that. who knows when a chance like this would show itself again, right? time ticks in time with the nervous beating of his heart. he hasn’t been able to focus much on evaluations this week, and he had a lot of catching up to do because of it. in the meantime, though, he takes a deep breath and looks the dance coach in the eye. the atmosphere in the room almost stopped him, the weight of his decision suddenly felt heavier - real. it’s a second later that he recognizes the expectant look on the coach’s eyed.. he clears his throat.

“i… after thinking it through, it would be an honor to be a part of this idol group as one of its main dancers… if that’s alright,” it took a lot of his will power not to end the phrase into a question. he smiles awkwardly. there’s no turning back now, his voice taking in thar serious tone - unchangeable, permanent. he gulps. there really is no turning back now.

[tenrkarchive]

⬤ SPHERE DEBUT CASTING #SINGING

                                             ... performing IF YOU by BIG BANG BIGSTAR

he’s always been a fan of BIGSTAR, and picking one of their songs to sing was an easy decision. he already knows most of the lyrics perfectly by heart, having sung along multiple times in the past. it’s perfecting how hes going to sing it that takes time to sort out. he’d sought out help from friends who were far better as singing than him, who could help to pinpoint certain spots where he needed to take a different route with his voice. 

so as he finally sets up the camera, heart beating just a little faster than usual (he knows it’s his nerves, because he wants to do well) he hopes all the work he’s put in - the late nights and early mornings - will come together to create a performance that leaves him cemented in the minds of whoever will be watching his video. 

pressing play for the instrumental backing track he hangs his head for the intro, swaying to the soft guitar music, then finally lifts up, eyes trained on the camera as he begins to sing. 

그녀가 떠나가요 나는 아무것도 할 수 없어요 사랑이 떠나가요 나는 바보처럼 멍하니 서있네요

//

she is leaving and i can’t do anything love is leaving like a fool, i’m blankly standing here

his voice is gentle, soft and slow, his attention on every note, on the pointers he’d been given, and then finally on the lyrics. it’s another one of those songs he can relate to. it seems, to him, as if all he sings about these days is sadness and love. 

he thinks it entirely too fitting...

멀어지는 그 뒷모습만을 바라보다 작은 점이 되어 사라진다 시간이 지나면 또 무뎌질까 옛 생각이 나 니 생각이 나

//

i’m looking at her, getting farther away she becomes a small dot and then disappears will this go away after time passes? i remember the old times. i remember you

there’s that hint of pain and longing in his voice as he lets the emotion of the song lead him, trusting in all his practise. he thinks of his sister for a moment, and how how he remembers the time they used to spend together, when she was his best, and only friend. those days are long gone, and he’s reminded of how much he truly misses her. 

IF YOU IF YOU 아직 너무 늦지 않았다면 우리 다시 돌아갈 수는 없을까 IF YOU IF YOU 너도 나와 같이 힘들다면 우리 조금 쉽게 갈 수는 없을까 있을 때 잘할 걸 그랬어

//

IF YOU IF YOU if it’s not too late can’t we get back together? IF YOU IF YOU if you’re struggling like i am can’t we make things a little easier? i should’ve treated you better when i had you

the chorus comes with a sad smile tugging at the corners of his lips. multiple people come to mind with this song, depending on how he looks at the lyrics. either way, it holds a sprinkling of pain - but he’s used to that these days, and so he powers through, voice strong as he makes his way into the second verse.

그대는 어떤가요 정말 아무렇지 않은 건가요 이별이 지나봐요 그댈 잊어야 하지만 쉽지가 않네요

//

how about you? are you really fine? guess our break up is setting i should forget you but it’s not easy

when practising the song he’d almost laughed at the second verse - he’d had no idea how to relate to it for a while, seeing as he’d never dated anyone, and doubted he would for many years to come. he’d never gone through a breakup, but if he looked at is as that feeling after finding out about jaehyun and yeri... he could relate to that painful longing, that sense of missing someone who wasn’t entirely gone.

making his way back into the pre chorus that sad smile fits easily back onto his lips as he sways slightly, eyes closing for a moment as he feels the lyrics deep in his chest, before the chorus comes once again and he puts strength into his voice once more, one hand curling into the hem of his shirt as he focuses all his attention for a moment just on his technique. 

오늘같이 가녀린 비가 내리는 날이면 너의 그림자가 떠오르고 서랍 속에 몰래 넣어둔 우리의 추억을 다시 꺼내 홀로 회상하고 헤어짐이란 슬픔의 무게를 난 왜 몰랐을까 

//

on days where thin rain falls like today i remember your shadow our memories that i secretly put in my drawer i take them out and reminisce again by myself  why didn’t i know – about the weight of sadness that comes with breaking up? 

the bridge is a softer melody with a different tempo - it’s ten’s favourite part of the song. in a way it’s almost lullaby-like in it’s gentleness. this is the bit that really does remind him of everything that happened around a year ago, when he felt that deep pain in his chest for the first time in his life - the pain that he’d never truly forgotten, the pain that left him feeling like a shell, rather than a person - a shell so cracked and broken that he thought he might never be mended. 

the last chorus is comfortable, an easy end to the song that made him think of so many people in his life - it was why he liked it so much. despite the pain and longing it reminded him of it also made him think of how much the people meant to him, despite everything that had happened, that he’d bottled up and never put into words. here they were, those feelings he couldn’t tell anyone, put into a song that wasn’t his, but resonated so deeply with him that it made keeping silent easier. 

as the song comes to an end he takes a few seconds, head hung, before making the few steps over to the camera to stop the recording, before settling down in front of it and pressing his thumb and forefinger to the inner corners of his eyes - he told himself he wouldn’t cry, but it was getting a lot harder these days to hold himself to that.