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haaaiirrr cut and I’m sleepy
imagine: having a nice evening with tae comparing the length of ur fingers with his toes
The Time Robin Killed Everyone
@homestuckartists
how have you been? how's your last few days been? :3
hfff wow way to challenge a guy man it’s like you want me to retain more information than just the last 30 or so minutes i just experienced but ok anyhoo to the planner we go!!
so it’s really only been like, october 11 and 12
idk if this will be read but im warning about me talkiing about self harm because i dont want anyone triggered.
I was in a shit mood the other day, idk why but errything was just pissing me off
then i told my friend to stop caring about me because im sick of it im sick off lies and im sick of just having to have feelings and care about people
but she acted like i didnt say a giant fucking thing and just brushed it off really
she’s like 36 but i feel like i have to speak to her like a child sometimes
idk if she has anything wrong, weve never discussed it and truely i was hoping
really fucking hoping that i fucked up my friendships because i dont deserve people. the minecraft server i play on, its two years that i joined in like less then 9 days and i want to be on but i dont want to comunicate but i do
i wanna go on their so badly atm but i dont at the same time and i cant even join because its having issues and thats really shitty bc all i wanna do is build this fucking house well continue
because i wrote some shit on my skype status and even if ive been invisible i really hoped someone would say something, the one friend i always talk to for him to just message me saying hi but nope, idk that was like 2 days ago
i fucked up on that day too and i relapsed and i could of avoided it, but i really didnt actually care about doing it but i did it, i just wanted to feel pain their isnt anything big and its on my thighs and idk blades just didnt feel right and i ended up punching and slapping the fuck outta my thighs and their just isnt any bruises and theirs a couplke of little cuts but theirs no brusises and thats all i want, i just want pain and want bruises i dont care about suicide or shit, sure sometimes i think about that shit but i dont ever want to actually do it, never tried it and at least thats something i can be proud of idk its nearly like two years since i self harmed and im bloody amazed i lasted that long, i dont think ill cut again i just dont like it but the other thing yeah idk
im an idiot alot of the times sometimes i just dont want to care, sometimes idk all i do is care, im sick of arguing with myself sick of these demons but then again sometimes i dont actually care, it was my own fault to do that shit the other day and i was even watching fucking happy ass videos and laughing and fucking it was stupid but idk ty[ping this shit out always just helps me, i dont need anyone to read my shit bc again i dont want people to care about me even if i am lying it just idk doesnt really but makes it better to just write shit out well its easier to type then right because i have a chance for my family to find this shit if i write it in a book and fuck that.
im still happy its jsut this past so week is just fucking me over, well like 4 days
also Ruby my uke is outta tune and its rly shitting me off because i want to tune her but i dont want to bother at the same time, bc idk i dont do alot of shit that i want to half the time im either watching videos on my phone in bed or in my computer room listing to music and going through the same websites
i have habits and addictions i guess but their either phone apps or websites or music or idk other stupid shit, nothing actually serious, i dont smoke, do drugs, not an alcoholic, not a whore, dont really have depression, i do have anxiety sometimes and shit but itsa not absolutly fucking serious that i need to go to see a counceler again, i wouldnt even want to, i dont want my family to think somethings wrong with me ‘again’ because im over a large hard part in my life and i dont want shit to go haywire again
like i said i dont care about cutting all i want is to just have bruises and pain, just something small. but i cant even leave a fucking bruise on myself so *shrugs*
also i really dont want to come out to kmy family that im pansexual because who the fuck would understand that, maybe bi but they wont understand other fucking terms causer their dumb fucks like idk if they understand asexualility becua se i dont think i did at first, idk what sort of it i have but like sure im a teen ill get off to shit, but the thought of actually doing shit is just yeah no im not up to that
i dont need that shit humans are really fucking shitty people sometimes, the past realtionships my sisters have had even my father and mother yeah jhumans suck, and males expecially suck, but i still want to be some sometimes? sometimes i acutally want to be one but sometimes i dont, sometimes i think im genderfluid but i dont really care if people call me a female sometimes because well i have to actually come out first of all to say that shit and only 3 people know. also can i jjust say that the past 3 relationships i had were all fucking terrible but im fucking glad i went through them because ive learned a fucking lot since my last one also that fucker really needs to stop trying to appoligize because i dont give an actuall fuck
also a lvl 54 onix out of a 10km egg fucking really pkm go fuck you thats bullshit i got a 402 psyduck out of a 5km egg so yeah fuck you app
funny ive said this before but i can write about myself and shit for fucking ever but when it comes to writing stories i cant write fucking 5 words also kinda sad that i only got 22 views and no new kudios or comments like i know the capter was shiity and ik everything is moving really fast and happening fast as fuck but even one of either would of made me feel better about it
also god i had two fuicking buirthdays at the start of this month and now thats their that i fucke dfyp in between them fuckm
my memories crap anyway half the time shit only resurfices if i think for a good while or someone brings shit up
also idk if i am pansexual or if im demisexual i dont even know what that means but what ive read i think like i dont actually fucking know all i know is that i’ll like whoever the fuck i want to and people can keep their opinions to their fucking selfs in their fucking mind, bc people rly need to learn to stop sayting shit that doesnt need to come out of their goddamn stupid ficking mouths i dont know rly my own fucking sexuality properly or what anything i am but a pineapple, i know im a pineapple
goddamn it this serve ris still down fuck i want to build fuck u i looked at the orignal building and its a shit ton diffretn from what i rebuilt it as well kinda its got the same rooms and shgit just diffterntly built and shapped but i like it its a nice build and fuck anyones opinions bc noone sees itr anyway holy fucking shit how much have i written ive been on this for over half an hour i aint even listeneing to music but idk ill stop typing for now i feel fine right now i think idk just yeah typing shit helps me sorta so b rhgOUSDvcn bj
also fuck you pokemon go for fucking changing it so u cant see peoples named pokemon my sister and i were gonna have Dicks and Bitches on a gym but no, nobody can see the name but urself fuck
g’bye
Always the sun first then the doe sunning, the stag running toward the doe, wherein this ramshackle causality a taste for flesh buds at birth—when mouth clasps to breast—quieting the gut’s ache, not hunger for touch. If you don’t believe touch is a famine fed by need, in another scene, see an orphaned fawn bow before a block of salt crowned on the lone stump in a clearing where sudden wind has instructed him in a lick’s dripping scent. Right. Now, who then betrays his permanence but the huntsmen— himself? Who then but palette— appetite’s kissing cousin, driven only by science of nature— O Desire, you mother— You Adam of the valley, crouched with a catcher’s mitt always signaling for the quince to roll downhill. You’re not much of a nurturer from behind this rifle scope, especially on nights when I am Lot’s hermaphrodite wife— all pillar & looking back on my downfall from the future which is surely paradise or purgatory, depending on how I decipher my scripture, O Desire, if you’re a Catholic’s Tree of Life I must be Buddhist- free. I’m not interested in you for the progeny so much as your skyscraping— your telephone poles—miraculous, glazed, glistening with December’s beckoning slick—crisscrossed with tiny horizontal beams, wired- horizon & morning dew, forming, Dear Sire, your anointing—this intimately connected rosary I can’t help but prick my tongue to.
Marcus Wicker, “Deer Ode, Tangled & Horned”
i apologize for the stress-related posts today but here is another one
(bc i am stressed n i need to rant)
