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omg openai is shutting down sora YAY!!!!!!!! i hope this is only the beginning of the demise of every ai gen company 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

#ITS A SMALL WIN BUT IT IS A WIN #roach vents #anti ai

i made an absolutely decadent avocado salad dressing today and halloumi was on special so i ran out and bought halloumi and god life is good sometimes.

#roach vents #roach rambles

big vent about some pretty crushing news i received.

ahhh love being rejected for disability support. I had a meltdown on the phone and then they transferred me to the coldest, most dead-voiced social worker ive ever spoken to, who was so like... annoyed by my devastation and nervous system collapse. Sorry i'm upset. I just don't know what to do and you just rejected my lifeline. no i'm not going to kill myself jesus fucking christ. why are you raising your voice at me... im having a meltdown im not trying to be rude and im not saying anything rude to you.....????? i thought you were a social worker. I've clearly just been very lucky with all my interactions with social workers thus far aside from you.

#anyway lads. i had just recovered from my depressive spiral and i was going to go to a pride night at a bar tonight #that is... not going to happen.#My mum is out right now as well so i cant even call her for support!!!#(unfortunately this is not friend-level support. i need either a professional or my mum)#(if i spoke to a friend i would push this down and pretend to be fine very quickly and i know my beloved friends would not WANT #me to pretend to be okay!!!! But I don't think i could control it because of a lifetime of masking.)#roach vents #sigh i should delete this

1 thing about me is that when i start the blood times i become a husk of a person

#periods suck im so fucking tired #idk why this one is particularly exhausting but ive been napping for DAYS #idk man maybe its pushed me into a new level of low iron???#do i experience joy????? not rly #i have a phonecall in 40 minutes im going to lay down for 40 minutes #roach vents

i gotta say, living alone is not for me. It's better than housesharing with strangers or people i dont trust... but god I miss living with people and eating breakfast on the couch whole ya housemate is making their tea and they call out "you want one?" and they know how you take it so you go "Ooh, that would be lovely, thanks!". idk. I had a pretty nice houseshare for a couple years there, but ultimately she decided she would rather live alone so ive been alone since and man, i just wish things were different! Very envious of people who get to live with and make a life with a partner. I know people are annoying, and there is no getting around that... but to live with someone you trust, who trusts you, and who you get to make a home and life with is just a wonderful privilege. Obviously my situation — living alone — would be a dream for a lot of people, though. So there is that. I don't think it would be a dream for people who are used to good company, though.

It's really just the little things though. I feel like i lose touch with the passage of time without the presence of another person.

Anyway, i know this sounds like a complaint, and I guess it is a complaint? I mean I am experiencing a pain and i am expressing that pain. But ultimately I know that I don't exactly have a right to whinge given that I have given up on online dating. (I have had bad experiences with it and I've felt pretty unsafe engaging with it. Not a slight on the men ive met — well, a slight on one, but that was a comically bad date and he was a genuinely unkind person — I just have an anxiety disorder and I compulsively people please when I am anxious, which is very not good in romantic contexts.)

So anyway. I guess i am whinging about being lonely, but i don't want it to come across as me expressing that it is unfair that i am lonely. I am not owed anything by anyone or anything, and I absolutely recognise that by no longer pursuing the only real dating avenue there is for me, I am actively choosing to be alone. So while I don't enjoy this feeling and I wish my life was shaped differently, I dont believe I deserve different circumstances just because I wish for them.

Maybe my 100 million clarifications are insane to tack onto a vent. Maybe people understand all that without me saying it? Maybe it's a given. Maybe you are thinking, 'girl no one thought you were acting entitled by complaining about living alone...'. Maybe I am worried that complaining is an act of entitlement so I am trying desperately to cleanse myself of being entitled by reassuring myself (and you) that I am well aware that I don't deserve different circumstances. Wanting and deserving are very different things.

#roach vents #im just venting abt being lonely honestly it's just the same old tune!!!!

if anyone was curious, i just changed my first tyre at the ripe old age of i was born in the 90s !!!! Though to be totally honest, my brother confirmed the placement of the jack (i was correct) and helped me get the spare in the right position. and since he was there he just did one last round of tightening the nuts for me. but! i 100% could do it completely on my own now!

#bless my brother. he didnt take over or anything and he could tell i wanted to do it myself!#he made sure i knew he was there to help if i needed it #and checked on me twice #but didnt step in until i asked for help! and he didnt take over he just helped with what i needed :)#just like #facilitated my learning i guess :)#roach vents

sigh. do i catch the bus 35 minutes to go to the pride night at a cocktail bar. knowing it will be a 35 minute ride home and i dont know anyone there. :|

#i have got to meet people but my confidence....#and my spoons......#it would also be p lonely. hm #roach vents #maybe if i finish this report in 20 minutes....#i do want to go (what if a lovely masculine woman thinks im so pretty that she hits on me!!!!)#and if i finish this document it will feel like a celebration #bc for some reaspn this fuckin thing is 3000 words long #it's p painstakingly organised though #and my boss can skip what she doesnt care abt...

bah, i decided i would try to sleep without melatonin, it got very late, no sign of sleep, took melatonin late as a last resort, now i am trying to sleep and having a fantastically bad time of it.

I feel like days i dont go outside or talk to anyone, sleep is an absolute nightmare...

#roach vents #sleep is a fucking nightmare.