Only you forgive me when I’m sorry
And here’s the thing, is that bits of this song just cover the whole extent of their entire relationship and corresponds with all of it, not just one era. So we’ve already had references to pre-affair era and to Robron getting together, and now we have a line that immediately made me think of the reveal ep, May 25, 2017, the day when Maxine Alderton, a woman who I had never met, ripped a part of my heart out with no intention of ever giving it back. I’m not even sure if I need to write anything here, seriously. Aaron and Robert pretty much said it themselves during that episode, didn’t they? How Robert never felt the need to disclose the truth to anyone before, he’d never been sorry like this before in his life, but Aaron’s made him know the taste of true repentance. Still, Rob didn’t expect to be forgiven. That’s why that episode is so raw. When and Aaron are kissing in their bed, he knows it might be for the last time. When he tells Aaron that he loves him, Rob says it knowing he is probably going to lose the right to repeat that forever. He looks at Aaron in that bed like he’s the beginning and the end of the world, because that’s what Aaron is to Robert. And then he still confesses, because Aaron’s dignity, his right to know, is more important than everything Robert is about to lose. Robert puts Aaron’s needs before his own and if you can’t appreciate this thoroughly heartbreaking moment, I’m not even sure how we can communicate with each other. But then, THEN. Aaron decides to try and forgive Robert. And you can just tell how bewildered Rob is by this choice, by the depth of love it reflects, when he says to Aaron, “and people don’t forgive me”. Because he’s never had that before, people have shown Robert so little kindness and compassion throughout his life, even when he did things that were much less hurtful, even when he wasn’t actually the offending party. And along comes Aaron, who’s so brave and strong and beautiful, and Rob has done something exactly because he knew this was the most hurtful thing he could do, and Aaron still chose to forgive him. I don’t think I can properly describe the depth of love Robert must have felt in that moment, or how completely he must have appreciated Aaron for all that his husband is and all that he’s given Rob. What I really like about this line is that it also ties both of them changing and growing to be better versions of themselves together, Robert by seeking to be honest and to give up control of whether they’ll be a couple or not for Aaron’s sake and Aaron putting aside his hurt and pain to accept Robert, to love and to give the ultimate products of love, compassion and forgiveness.
Need you when I’m broken
When I’m fixed
Need you when I’m well
And when I’m sick
There’s no doubt about the first part, is there? They need each other even when they’re broken, we’ve seen that on screen. During the reveal ep, when they’re the most broken as a couple, and later too, when they break up. They still gravitate constantly towards each other, they keep going on little impromptu dates at the pub, they still have meaningful moments together where they support the other one when they’re struggling, we still have them longing to be together (hello Valentine’s Day and, well, basically the entire months worth of run up to the reunion, every step along the way there, they just wanna be together. Even when Aaron is pushing Rob away, you can tell he’s working for it, shutting his feelings down to be a robot, to be absent in Rob’s presence because he’d break otherwise and take him back in a sec), but most of all, in the Xmas ep, we have them vowing to be the best friend the other man’s ever had, because fuck if they know how to breathe without the other one anymore. Sure, it’s doable, but as Rob has told us himself, it’s also hella empty. But what I really love is how much they want and need each other even when they’re fixed, even when all is well in their world. It’s this constant between them, because once you’ve met your soulmate, once you get to share every single day with the person who sees you and amplifies you, who accepts you and gives you the love you need for exactly who you are, how can you tear yourself away from that? Even for just one night... No wonder they can’t stand to be away from each other on nights like their (second) wedding night and when one has to go on a business trip. No wonder why even with chat technology available, they don’t like the separation. It’s just not the same, because they don’t get to wake into the other man’s embrace, they don’t get to inhale each other deeply one last time before wakefulness has properly set in, they don’t get to share with each other the small, trivial moments of life rather than just catching up during the evening on the big events, and all of that has become so precious and vital to them, those two insane, loved up monsters. I’m not even gonna comment on the “when I’m sick” part, I’m just gonna challenge you to show me one person who dared to try and drag away Aaron from Robert’s side at the hospital after Rob’s carbon monoxide poisoning.
Friends that I rely on
Don’t come through
They run like the river
But not you
God. So kiddie Robert’s friend was Andy and they became brothers too due to Robert’s friendship and his wish to have his friend taken care of... and we all remember how that ended up, right? Robert still loves his brother, but his friendship with Andy cost him his dad’s love, his mom and almost his own life. And Rob was no angel at certain moments, but really, are there a lot of moments we can point to where Andy proved himself as a friend to Robert? Even their farewell was about Rob helping Andy, not the other way around. As for Aaron, well. I do feel Vic has let him down as a friend. It’s not the fact that during the hell plot she chose to stand by her brother (a part of the time, I still can’t forget that when he was hurt, she stood there, laughed at him and then walked away without making sure he gets the medical care he needed. I don’t care how pissed off you are at your drunk, heartbroken brother, Vic, you take him to the hospital and then you yell at him or give him the silent treatment or whatever), but she could have been there for her brother AND for Aaron, who was supposed to be her friend too and was her brother-in-law. One didn’t have to come at the expense of the other, but that’s not what Vic did. Adam didn’t let him down per se, but he’s also not around anymore, so he’s no longer someone Aaron can rely on like he used to. And that bring us back to the theme of Robron being each other’s best, most reliable friends, the ones who are there for the other even when they’re not even a couple, who manage to find ways to try to make sure the other man is ok and happy even when they’re barely speaking to each other. And while they and their history is such a mess at times, this is just proof of how pure their love actually is.
Can’t see
When I’m falling
Losing myself
But then I hear you calling
Did I mention yet how this song just encapsulates everything about them? Think of Aaron, hurting and too closed off to be able to share what his dad’s return really means, willing to lose everything he’s ever had, that he’s ever worked for, in his life in order to escape the monster that has taken residence in the village, cutting himself so badly and deeply that it almost cost him his very life, just to avoid telling his loved ones the truth of his past. And then remember Robert being there, insisting his ex tells him what’s wrong, not wanting to give up on having Aaron in his life even when they’re not together, rushing him to the hospital and staying by his side, showing him that Aaron can tell someone close the truth without losing them, without being loved any less and without the world collapsing. Then think of Robert, broken and lost after having his beautiful husband who he loves, his best friend, his home, and then losing him, think of Rob on this downward, self-destructive spiral, think of him about to turn his back on everything that he has ever held dear and running away from the village because he’s just got no faith in himself left, running away not because he has any hope he’ll have anything better anywhere else, but only to prevent any further harm he might cause to the people he loves. And then remember Aaron being there, stopping him, insisting on hearing what’s wrong with his ex-husband and making things better by just letting Robert know that *he* still believes in Rob. In the good man he has seen and that he knows Robert is capable of more fully becoming. They’re truly each other’s anchors even through the darkest patches of their lives when they barely had their sense of self, let alone anything else. The voice that calls out and finds you even in the depths of despair and pulls you out. The safest of havens, driven solely by love.
There you are
There you are
You’re there with open arms
There you are
There you are
And I run
They have been like that for each other from ridiculously early on, with open arms, open hearts, even when they tried to close their hearts off. I just think of Cain being hospitalized, Aaron being in a bad mood because he was worried about his uncle and they had just started off, their relationship is barely a thing yet, it’s a fling, sex without strings but also without any clear rules regarding how they go about it and yet Robert cares about Aaron’s feelings and when this gruff mechanic needs it, he’s there to hug him and support him. He doesn’t need to. He’s not gonna get sex out of it at that moment and still. He’s there, with open arms that he wraps around this guy before Aaron can even fully understand what’s going on, but instinctively his arms are open too to reciprocate the hug. And this is before they’ve even had time to really develop their deepest of feelings for each other, but already, they fully ARE THERE for each other. To bring it full circle, we have another hug from much later in their relationship. Robert is sitting in his car, nervous, trying to make sure he’s looking good, fidgeting with the radio, essentially he doesn’t know what to do with himself as he waits for Aaron to come out of prison. But then his husband does and nothing else matters, there are no doubts, Robert just sprints out and Aaron runs right into his arms and holds on like he’s breathing for the first time in weeks. Because he was. They’re each other’s oxygen and by instinct, they will always find each other, they will always wait for each other, they will always run into the other man’s open arms.
Whispers in the background
Behind closed doors
I’m aware that this is getting longer by the second, don’t @ me, but I had to mention this reminded me of the affair era, all the sneaking around and maybe most symbolically, hotel 2.0 when the sneaking around was at its peak, but with Robert and Aaron pulling in different directions, both of them wanting this to last, when the former thinks the only way to continue is if Chrissie knows nothing and his life will go on as it is now and Aaron trying to have them exposed, to have the truth out and allow them to be together without having to lie or cover it up. Fuck them for being so in sync even when they were taking completely contradicting actions, the length of this post is 100% their own fault.
I got myself in a mess and without you I'm in more
Every single step of their relationship until husbands 2.0 era, no? Aaron without Robert, going out and taking his rage and hurt out on a guy who means very little to him, Robert and... almost everything he’s ever done when torn away from Aaron. Maybe this is the best definition for their relationship. Robert said he wanted messed up with Aaron forever, during the reveal ep he confirmed he’s still go on choosing that every time. But the thing that makes them soulmates is that even when they were at their worst together, they were still worse off apart. Still too aching, too lonely in the deepest sense of the word, to be able to be happy without each other even when for someone on the outside looking at them, things seemed fine and dandy. Aaron and Robert are each other’s better, happy mess.
Oh, I'm a little drunk now
That's why I went to war
Oh yeah, you are my sober
When I'm on the floor
I don’t even have to comment on the drunk bit, right? Nothing good has ever come out of them being intoxicated when they’re hurting over thinking they lose the other man for good. But I love the “you are my sober” bit, because it’s so true. Neither one is an alcoholic and Aaron even managed to kick a drugs habit purely out of love for Robert. They don’t need any mind-altering substances, they have enough of a high in each other and they only ever resort to using something to numb the pain when they can’t be together. Also, “when I’m on the floor” made me think of the two of them on the floor during the lodge. MY GOD. They were trapped within their own little bubble of insanity, feeling compelled by the extreme situation that they got themselves into, which can be as mind altering as any drug, but it’s still the love between them that stops things from becoming so much worse. Because at the end of the day, it’s that love that stops Robert from being able to shoot Aaron. He can do so many horrible things, he can hold up a gun to Ross’ head, he can walk out on an old man having a heart attack and leaving him to die, he can order a hit on the mother of the man he’s in love with, but he can’t bring himself to shoot the man he loves, not even at the cost of everything Rob used to think he needed in life and that he has tried to get so badly to gain a sense of being worthy of his dad’s lost love. Like this isn’t enough, I also wanted to refer to the “that’s why I went to war” part. Here it’s presented in the context of fucking up and God knows, they’ve done a lot of that when they were apart and unable to deal with that. But the basic quality of them willing, wanting to go for each other is always there, in so many ways, in every turn, when they’re warning off psychos that would grow up to be serial killers, when they’re bribing off prison gang leaders, when they’re making their families accept and be kinder to their chosen partner and when they’re insisting on building together their own, proper little family with every stray kid in the village (I know they’re just at the beginning of this, but they’re gonna get there, clearly).
Just to go back for a second to the musical aspect, one of the things that I love about the song is that Zayn is singing it with these little peaks in every other line, it’s not just the chorus that’s intense (though it is), which is not too common in songs and it’s a reminder for me of their ups and downs, their numerous break ups and how they can’t help coming back together, no matter how bad things got, how final the split seemed to be, all while having so many special little moments along the way, which is why this fandom can post almost every other day about another special Robron anniversary. Fuck, just in terms of wedding dates, they have two!
Even when I messed it up
There you are
That’s the thing about why this song is so perfect, I think. It’s that it somehow manages to touch upon just how meant to be Robron have always been. @rustandruin asked a while ago what would Robert do if he hadn’t staged his car breaking down at the lay by, how would he have gotten to kiss Aaron anyway, and @letthebluerain and I were both immediately of the opinion that anything, Robert would literally do anything to make that happen, so eventually it would have, he would have made it happen no matter what, he would have gotten his grumpy mechanic on his own one way or another and Aaron would have played along because both of them wanted this to happen so desperately, it was an undeniable force between them, always pulling them towards each other. So this would have happened no matter what. THERE YOU ARE. A presence impossible to deny, a draw that neither one of them were able or wanted to defy.
Iris, thank you again for introducing me to this song and for trusting me to write this meta post about it, plus for being patient while I was looking for time to complete it. I hope I did it justice and even more, that I made you happy like you’ve made me countless times. Sending lots of love! xoxoxox
