The Rent Is So Cheap Because He Watches You Sleep
(Lights up on a dingy first-floor apartment. It is empty apart from a worn couch and some stains on the carpet. A creepy old man, Ronald Augustine, enters with a pair of young girls, Brittany and Michelle.)
Ronald: I really think you’ll like this unit. It’s got a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a window that you can mount your own AC unit in.
Brittany: That’s…pretty basic, right? Like, without that it’s not an apartment.
Ronald: If you insist. But I must note, the rent will be $500 a month.
Michelle: Per person?!
Ronald: Total.
Brittany: Well, that’s definitely in our price range. The other similar units we’ve looked at have been more than twice that price.
Ronald: I knew you’d like it.
Michelle: What’s your pet policy?
Ronald: All pets welcome.
Michelle: All pets? Like, exotic pets?
Ronald: Yeah, that’s probably fine.
Michelle: Score. I’m getting an ocelot.
Brittany: Oh, I love ocelots! They have those cute tufty little ears.
Ronald: And they’re some of nature’s most dangerous killers.
(Pause.)
Ronald: Of hearts!
(They all laugh.)
Ronald: But seriously, they’ll gnaw your hearts out with those sharp little teeth.
(Pause.)
Brittany: What’s your noise policy?
Ronald: The more noise the better!
Brittany: Well, that’s pretty good I guess.
Michelle: What’s the catch with this place?
Ronald: The rent is so cheap because I watch you sleep. (Pause.)
Brittany: What?
Ronald: I mean, if you don’t want a place for $250 a month just because the landlord watches you while you sleep and touches himself, you can just go. I’ve got people lined up out the door for this place.
Michelle: I’m…listen, the rent’s great and you seem nice, I guess.
Ronald: I just got back from prison.
(Pause.)
Ronald: By the way, I’m supposed to tell you that I’m a convicted sex offender.
(Pause.)
Brittany: I’m sorry?!
Ronald: I mean, again, if you don’t want the place it’s fine.
(Pause.)
Ronald: I mean, I got convicted for doing just this.
(Pause.)
Ronald: So can I expect your check on Monday?
(Pause.)
Brittany: Yeah…
Michelle: (Overlapping.) Yeah…you just can’t beat this price.
Ronald: And I can beat a lot of other things too!
(He laughs. They join him, nervously.)
Ronald: Like my dick.
(Brittany and Michelle stop laughing. Pause. Blackout.)
based on a true story about a real man named ronald augustine. hope prison’s treatin’ you well, ronny