Letters Unsent; TOTW
Jude Ryerson
I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. At least, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I still think you make the sun come up and the grass grow, and sometimes I don't. If I do love you, I don't think I love you the same way I did last year.
You hurt me. More than anyone has ever hurt me. And I'm not a forgiving person so I don't know how I brought myself to do it. I suppose that speaks volumes for how much you mean to me. I think it hurt more because I trusted you more. You were never supposed to hurt me. I think Simon is when our relationship went wrong. I don't think it was you leaving, or changing, or me changing. I don't know if either of us did change all the much. And I'll always attribute Simon to our end. I don't think you loved him. I know you loved me. But I think you loved the way his submission made you feel, I think you loved that it was easy with him. It was never going to be easy with me.
You also saved me. And for that I will always be so grateful to you. I don't.. I know what would have happened if you hadn't come along when you did but I don't like to think about it, let alone write about it. I don't think it's something that needs to be said.
You fixed my heart. You took someone who was very broken, and you pieced me back together. Granted you broke my heart in the end, but I've already forgiven you for that.
I thought Sonny was my first love. And then I thought Elijah was my first love. I was wrong. You are my first love. I couldn't have really been in love with either of them because what I felt for you.. Well, my feelings for anyone else dwarfed in comparison.
I wish you every happiness. I mean that so sincerely. I think it's always going to hurt to see you with someone else because I'm always going to contemplate what would have been. But I think in the end I'll be able to smile, because you'll be smiling, and you deserve to smile. More than anyone I know you deserve it.
I love you Sir.
Alexander Smythe
