my depression comes in like high tide.
/poetry
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my depression comes in like high tide.
/poetry
i care less and less
For things not tethered to the tangible
would like to do away with
Electronic
Instantaneous
Automated
And the like
Enjoying the accidental drip of candle wax on my unexpecting hand
The music of the forest in the morning
Sunrise from my balcony
Burnt pancakes on my tongue - subsequent pride and determination
No more screen dwelling
Do away with my tersely curated technology
I did not survive to die behind glass screens
I did not fight for a half life
I’m taking it all, damn it.
I’m taking my straw and sucking dry every last drop of verity.
Then, with my belly full and my tongue still whet for more living
Then God can sweep my life-drenched soul
To his next beginning.
Impermanence
Early spring,
the ice protecting the lake,
has given away,
knowing the lake was ready.
crisscrossing currents, lazy figure eights,
chunks of white, miniature glaciers,
drift by,
ragged leaves, auburn twigs,
float by,
seafoam bubbles, silver fish,
pass by.
I sit on the edge of the dock,
crossing legs, twisting curls,
greeting each traveler,
admiring how the glaciers are clouds,
reflected on the blue gray.
I wish I could hold onto the peace in this moment,
the eye of my storm,
Buddhists believe desire is the root of all suffering,
I desire to plunge my hand into the cold water,
and cradle a glacier under my jacket,
keeping it close to remind me,
there is always more underneath the surface.
but I love each glacier too much,
to watch it melt in my hands,
I love each constellation of bubbles too much,
to let them burst at my touch.
As I focus on the currents, mesmerized,
I begin to see,
the current is not always drifting east,
sometimes I am drifting west,
floating, passing by,
while the waters remain still.
the glaciers would have me study them forever,
but we are simply doing what we are each meant to do,
and following our currents.
good morning kiss (rough) (2.22.16)
I watched him sleep.
His eyes under his lids flickering so rapidly back and forth, as if searching for something.
I listened to his breathing, like waves crashing onto the shore,
I watched his chest move so evenly, up and down, mimicking the rock of the tide.
I slowly run my hands through his hair; so polished and pure, like that of a raven’s feathers. I felt the individual hairs tickle my skin and wake up my senses.
Moving gently from his head, down his cheek, I ran over the tiny bumps and crevices of his face.
As I lay on my side, his face to my face, my face to his face,
I realized for the infinitely amount of times, that I loved him more than I could have ever known.
Pressing my cheek on to his, I put my breath close to his ear and whispered,
“Good morning.”
Wrote a quick series of words while I was staring at the sky waiting for the eclipse:
As I lay on my back The sky overhead Is perfectly bisected One side a blanket of fog The other side a blanket of stars A pitch black canvas drawn up and brought to life with a cosmic stippling of light. Both halves impenetrable In their own way Both halves unyielding Both lightyears away, Relatively.
In Loving memory of George Stone
He was captive to his L.E.D Screen,
More so on weekend nights
When his hormones broke the bars around his mind
But he tried each night to find
That special place within himself that prevented his flights
That made him scream
Instead of go so low.
But he lived out at sea:
In North Carolina
Where there were no “faggots” visible enough to console him
there was just one route to get away to them
go on ASLina
the place where you could be free
ASLina used to be a chat website
But people are horny bastards
So its soul changed and became rouge
Giving many people bruises
The next day, because they broke loose too hard
ASLina was now the place where he tried to be himself…
When he could not say, to any real person,
The vigor in his heart around the men of his fantasies
He went there instead
Then the next morning while his palms were red
He at least had a release, a taboo fancy;
Supplies for his desertion.
He was at sea
Battling the waves
Without a compass
At an impass
Unsure whether the way he behaved
Was creating something he wanted to be
It first started with the text chat,
Then came the voices,
Then came the pictures of him naked
Then came the fleeing fools that faked it
To get more poses
Another feather to add to their hat!
Shame.
Was a very powerful thing for a man his age.
It stabbed his brain
Every night and drove him insane.
He worried, and released and worried and released, and lied in a fit or rage
The monster he disdained was what he knew he became.
There was no life
Just fear
And anguish
And sorrow
And embarrassment
And a highway
A beautiful highway
The solution to his problems
So, he got up one morning with his red palms
With the postmodern pslams of the collapse of respect and dignity
His own sexuality a sign of his doom
And the cars went
VOOM… VOOM…
Fast!
It would be painless.
But he stopped.
He looked out the window.
He cried about how he had come to this
And realized
It was the way he reacted that was a miss
That he wasn’t bound to the closet, which his computer was still in, but rather to himself
He got up and realized that the sink was still on.
And that was how George stone died
He ceased to be,
Left the world
Stopped typing,
And turned the water off.
I find it makes the misery
Much easier to bear
If I admit to myself
And you, my dear, if you care
The true nature of my pain.
.
I find, my dear,
I do not miss you
But, instead,
Well, you'll see.
I do not miss your child-like laugh,
Your doe-brown eyes,
Our night-long talks;
The twists of brown-red-golden hair
You said you hated
Daddy's gift, and then he left.
.
I do not miss the way one word
From your thin lips
Could settle down my frantic demons;
Or the way just seeing you
Was the Sun cut through the storm;
I do not miss your little breasts,
Your thin, white thighs,
That graceful curve of collar bone,
Your long, thin fingers,
Narrow waist,
And the soft wet space beneath;
And how you said you wanted me,
And how that space was wet for me,
At least for just a little bit.
.
But now, you see, here we are
Here it is,
Here I am,
And so's the truth, in it's true nature:
Those agencies wanted you to model,
So many hoped to be with you,
Shy as you were, the invitations
To all the bestest parties
Always came.
The time you spent delighting me
Could have been spent
Should have been spent
Delighting crowds,
And yet you stayed in Friday nights
And tried to make me smile.
.
I find it makes the suffering
Much easier to bear
If I admit to myself
And myself alone, I guess
The true nature of my loneliness -
I don't miss you at all, you see;
I simply miss you wanting me.
I walk outside blue dusk
I breathe it in California I smile because I know
I'm alive
And I have the future ahead of me And the present I breathe in and know I'm alive
California dusk.