Okay guys, I don’t normally post selfies but under the cut there will be a rant/personal story, you don’t have to read, just enjoy the selfies.
Okay, so I was born with a rare ass kidney disease, basically my kidneys did not do the work they were supposed too, doctors said I would grow out of it and I eventually did at 4 years old. Before that anytime I got so much as sniffle it was straight to the doctors or even the hospital. (My mom knew every one of the doctors and nurses at the hospital) Anyway fast forward to when I was eight, my family moved and it was pretty traumatic for me and I started to gain weight. Doctors thought it was pre-diabetes and I was on an extreme diet for awhile. I joined the local swim team and basically spent every waking moment free playing outside with my brother and his friends. Of course I was still gaining weight, but not really growing height wise. Had three friends until about seventh or eighth grade when I got a couple more. I never really thought I was pretty or anything, no one showed any interest in me, except to mock me and this continued on for awhile. Now I’m four years out of high school and am just learning that it’s not that I’m not pretty because in some ways I guess I am, but it takes a lot for me to see that. It still hurts when people look at me and because I’m so freaking short they think I’m a child and when they see how overweight I am, they automatically assume that I eat junk food and don’t take care of my body. There are two instances that are clear in my mind when I say that. Last year I was working and one of my coworkers said that I should exercise more, that I would ‘feel better’ and just kinda went oh okay when I told her that I did go on walks. The other time just happened yesterday when my boss, who I’ve been working for four years now saw that I had brought a parfait to eat for my breakfast and said “That looks healthy, are you eating healthier now?” Seriously what the fuck is that about, she never sees me eating except for the times my job provides us with meals to eat on the special events we work, and the occasional breakfast that I have down in the cafe area. Seriously did she not even fucking think? I know that I shouldn’t worry about what she says or anything but I am so tired of people looking at me and thinking that I should eat healthier or exercise more, when yes, I am a pretty healthy person, and on the rare occasion I treat myself, I shouldn’t have to worry about what these people are thinking. I’m tired of having panic attacks because I bottle everything. I’m tired of my mom thinking I’m the most stable person in the family and thus tells me everything. I’m tired of the fact that my depression, which I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor because I don’t want to burden my mom anymore, won’t let me keep my room clean. I’m tired of not being able to go to school because I don’t have the money. I’m just tired of everything that is wrong, and want to have some right in my life.
