September 24, 2017 Dear Alex, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.
I’m sitting in the dark, trying to communicate with someone that probably doesn’t even care about me. I feel ridiculous. I feel so much weight on me from shit I haven’t dealt with... I just feel like… I don’t even know what I feel like.
I really miss the simpler times (who doesn’t, right?) when shit wasn’t so complicated, but I guess it always has been.
Sometimes, I just wonder if this is one giant test. I usually tell myself that everything that I’m going through will just make me stronger in the end; that, to a certain degree, is true.
But is it?
I don’t know.
This past July, my brother was sentenced life in prison for murdering his girlfriend. Do you know how that made me feel? It fucking hurts. All I can do is sit here and think about all the shitty things that have happened to me and how I feel so worthless about all of it.
My whole life has been me caught in the middle of a whole bunch of drama between my parents. My family is a big part of where all of my stress and anxiety comes. I hate it.
I have to be my own independent person, and even though I’ve moved away and can finally say I’m on my own, it still feels like I have so much childhood shit left to deal with that I really can’t. My emotions have been getting the best of me lately and I just don’t know how to deal with it.
I just feel so lonely. I hate doing things on my own and being new to a city means I have hardly any friends. I thought I’d like it here. I even convinced myself that things would get better when I moved. They didn’t... I hate my job. I hate my emotions. I hate myself for being shaped by things I can’t control. Anxiety... That might as well be my middle name.
My main problem at home was keeping the peace between my mom and dad. What is my problem now? Loneliness. And that’s not even half of it.
I just hope I find someone who understands. And I hope that someone can be you.
Yours truly, @rubenhxiii