#russwiss

[hetalia-text-messages]

Oh wait didn’t I tell you I’ve shipped this for like four years

[hetalia-text-messages]

He got his goat.

[fluffyhetalian]

A story about Russia, Swiss and a coconut. Yes it works

Introduction: who fucking needs one

Russia: *calls swiss* Swiss : *Is being called* Russia: fucking answer the fun you bitchfuck Swiss: I don’t know why the fuck someone is calling, I’m neutral bitch. Russia: fucking Swiss... *takes several phones and spams him with texts* "HEY HEY HEY ANSWER HEY* Swiss: *Finally answer the phone* WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT YOU SQUIRREL FUCKING BEAR? Russia: DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOOOOWMAAAANNN~~? ^J^ Swiss: Fuck no. *hangs up* Russia: *kicks swiss's door* IT WASNT A FUCKING CHOICE Swiss: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ENTER MY COUNTRY??I WAS NOT AWARE OF THATDID YOU PENETRATE MY BORDER ILLEGALLY Russia: if you want I can penetrate you in another way sweety~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Swiss: Ok, first off, I’m switzy and not your sweety. Second off, did you penetrate me for something serious or are you just here to fuck goats because I already have Germany to do that for me. Russia: OJO Germany is fucking your goats??? Is he like... Is goats like throats? I don't understand. Was that supposed to be philosophical or some shit?But hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Хей. Хей. Хей. Хей. Swisss: Let’s not talk about Germany and his weird goat obsession and let’s talk about important things. What are your thoughts on High school musiccal 3? (Liechtenstein ranted the movie last night, ok, shut up) Russia: it was fine I guess, but camp rock is waaaaay better. I mean *takes a guitar out of no where and sings "this is me" horribly*And they could roast marshmallows and it's a camp. And high school is just a lie. It's a worse lie than a cake. (Portal reference) Swiss: I didn’t know you could sing. I didn’t want to know that. Next time keep that incredible talent of yours to yourself ok? And don’t question why your country is so full of socks-eating monkey idiots if that’s what you think of high school. Russia: you should question your school system since you can't find proper insults. I mean, have you seen my scientists??? MY HACKERS??? I CONTROL THE WORLD I AM THE WORLD BOW IN FRONT OF ME!!! Swiss: My insults are perfect you soggy piece of toast. Also, I will not give you a bow, I already had to buy one for Lili and sorry, but you’re not a girl Ivan. OR ARE YOU??? Russia: OF COURSE NOT YOU BAKA *throws whatever was near me* Wait, why the actual fuck are there coconuts at your house??? Swiss: *receive the coconut in the head. BOOM HEADSHOT. Achievement unlock: death by coconut*Wait, what? Why did you throw me a fucking coconut you green pepper pretzel!! I don’t know, why the fuck do I have coconuts?!? Russia: THATS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW YOU PEPPER INFUSED ZEBRA!!! *takes coconuts and shoots at Swiss like in the game Donkey Kong* [bear/monster/gorilla sounds] Swiss: *avoid the coconuts dance fashion style* WOAH WOAH, CALM DOWN, I’M NEUTRAL BITCH.*ends up sitting down surrended by broken coconut* That is indeed really strange, I don’t remember buying any coconuts... Russia: I do... Like... Have a strange feeling... *takes a coconut and sedictively looks at it* Swiss: Oh hell no you’re not getting turned on by a nut fruit thing!! *Kicks out the coconut out of your hands and shoots it with his gun* DIE !! Russia: NOOOO NOT MY NUT FRIENDS DONT SHOOT MY NUTS!!!!! But... *takes the broken coconut* hey it's open now! ^J^ ITADAKIMASU *shoves his face in the nut* Swiss: … *Looks at you, disgusted by the tick white juice dripping on your face* You are such a weirdo…(Wait that’s kinda hot...) Russia: *takes his face off and licks his lips* wanna try too~? Come I'll show you how~ *grabs sweetzy, his face leaning close to his* *tiny whisper* put it in… Sweetzy: *Blushes blushes* W-WAIT WAIT WAIT ! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? Russia: what? It seems like you've never done it. So look~ you just have to play with it, hit sometimes then eat! ^J^ though there's the water but eh, you just have to drink it! Swiss: I… I… *Looks dramatically at the coconut* I don’t know… W-... Would you show me how to do it? It’s my first time, please be gentle... Russia: here *takes his hands and look at sweetzy with soft eyes* Swiss: *Blushes again a little and look elsewhere* S-Stop it with the cottoncandy eyes... Russia: you prefer coconut eyes? *takes some coconut chunks and put on his eyes like glasses* is this how you "hipster" nowadays??? Swiss: *Look at Ivan like ‘’oh gosh why do I hang out with this loser, why am I friend with this person, wait we,re not even friends, I’m neutral, what is this. FRIENDSHIP?? WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP?? THIS IS SPARTA!!! *Mentally kicks down all of the things is feeling in a deep deep dark place in the bottom of his heart*’’* Russia: *pokes him in the face with a furry coconut part* hey, hey, hey, are you okay? Spacing out because feeling good? Better than with goats? ^J^ Swiss: … I don’t even want to know why you bring out the goats, but no I’m not doing that with a coconut. … And yes I’m ok. Just… A-a bit nervous I guess? *blush* Russia: awwwn don't be nervous~ I mean yes it's hard, big and can destroy you in many ways, but it's also sweet~ so here, take the big ball. Take all of it. Chomp it like Kirby. Swiss: *Nervously handle the coconut* hum… Where do I start? Can.. Can you show me with to do with this? I-... it is so big, I’ve never seen something this big before... Russia: want to see even bigger balls? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) just come to my place one day~ but here, you start wiggling like this, play with the hair cause it's funny! Just try it out! Then you lick inside there, put all your face in there and just have fun. After a bit you can try and bite. Just stuff all your face in it. The hole is big enough *cough*foronce*cough* Swiss: Ah, ok… *Looks at the coconut again, still with the same nervous look, but also with some kind of anticipation* I will try… *Slowly approach the coconut to his lips and try to gently break it to taste the juice*A-ah, it’s dripping!(The ah is totally a moan) Russia: drink it, it's good for you~ take that vitamin D boooy. *enjoys watching Swiss fuck a coconut* this technique is also good for other stuff you know~ ;) Swiss: *Slowly drink the juice dripping out of the cocnut and than seductively licks his lips and looks at the russian with a flame slowly dancing in his eyes*Oh really? Like for… Licking ice cream, I guess? *Saxophone music playing in the backgroud* Russia: da! Cause you have to know how to lick, cause it melts so fast and if not it drips all over you and leaves you sticky. So learn, those are useful things to know in life. See how school doesn't teach that kind of shit? LICKING IS IMPORTANT YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO LICK TO SUCCED IN LIFE! *way too into it* Swiss: *Grins a little, and let the coconut he was holding slowly falls to the ground* Oh really? Would you care for me to show you my… Licking skills? Russia: *grins* yes. Yes little one, show me what you've learned~ do you... Do you have the stuff though? Have you bought some? Swiss: *Looks at the other, still with the same seductive eyes and wiggles his eyebrows a little* Oh don’t worry I got everything I need… I will show to you what I can do… WITH THIS!! *Wait let me brainstorm the most random thing I can think off. Right now, a rubber duck is in the lead. Rubber duck? Why not? Rubber duck!!**So, get out a rubber duck out of his pockets. Don’t question why it was there. It was* Russia: *looks at it and starts blushing a little, his grin becoming more sensual* oh let me see what you can ducking do~ Swiss: I’m not your duckling. You can call me.. The DUCK MASTER. *seductivily puts the rubber ducks close to his mouths and licks it* Russia: oh!*totally a moan* please be... Be my darkwing duck! You are.. My only duck... Don't fly away and... Splash with me until the end of our days~~ Swiss: *Smirks and approach his face to Ivan lips* Huum… Maybe I will. Would you like a taste of this? *Points at the duck* Russia: I already know that taste, what I want to taste is this~ *kisses sweetzy on the lips with love* mh.... Tastes like chocolate... Like it~ Swiss: *blushes a little* Y-... You didn’t have to do it like this baka. If you wanted a taste of this, you could have said so earlier. Russia: now you became one~ and just... I'm curious... *looks around* WHY AND WHEN DID EVERYTHING TURNED INTO COCONUT??? IS IT ME OR YOU DIDNT HAVE A COCONUT SHAPED SOFA AND THERE WASNT THAT MANY COCONUTS ON THE GROUND??? Swiis: WHAT *Looks around him. Everything is coconut* WAIT THOSE THIS MEAN WE WILL BECOME COCONUTS TOO?!? Russia: IT CANT BE, WE ARE THE COCONUT MASTERS! LETS KILL THEM MAYBE IT WILL TURN INTO NORMAL??? WIN WITH VIOLENCE LETS COLLABORATE FOR ONCE OKAY? FOR OUR GOOD AND EAT COCONUT CAUSE WE HAVE TO SURVIVE! Swiss: I’M NEUTRAL, BUT IF IT’S YOU I CAN WORK IN A TEAM TO DEFEAT THOSE DEVIL FURY FRUITS!! *takes out his gun* Russia: *takes out his pipe* I hit em hard, until they are on the edge of falling apart, and you make me explode! Then we take their life juice and live!!! WE WILL SURVIVE!! Swiss: THAT’S PROBABLY THE FIRST SANE THING I HEARD YOU SAY TODAY, OK LET’S DO THIS! Russia: LETS DO THIS HARD LIKE I DO IT IN SPACE! HIT IT UNTIL ITS GOOD! *takes a coconut, hits it so it flies in the air* SWISS SHOOT HARD AND PRECISE! Swiss: YES I WILL DO MY HARDEST! I WILL HIT IT AS HARD AS I CAN. DON’T WORRY IVAN, IT WILL BE SO HARD AND I WILL PENETRATE THIS DAMNED THING WITH MY TRUSTED GUN AND FUCK IT UNTIL IT CAN’T NO LONGER HOLD IN ALL OF ITS JUICE!!*shoots it and the coconut explode* Russia: *sexy pose, all the coconut milk falls on him, leaving him covered in a thin whitish sticky coat* ahhh~~ it's so good to feel~~~ I... I... I need... More! *does it again* SWISS LETS DO IT AGAIN SO YOU CAN FEEL THIS NIRVANA YOU TOO!~ *hits a coconut towards Swiss* Swiss: A-ah! (This is totally a moan) N-No don’t do this, this is messy but… Yes, I do want to feel that!! *get covered by the coconut juice too* *both having way too much fun* Belarus: ... What did you put in their drinks... Liechtenstein: nothing really... I just switched their coffee for tea... Belarus: but at least our brothers get along as good as we do... I guess... Liechtenstein: I left one coconut...  Why the fuck are they seeing more and why are they licking the sofas??? Belarus: don't try to understand them. Just love their love *filmed all the shit*

[omuii]

RusSwiss?

RusSwiss

Who would throw the other in the pool: ivan would totally toss basch in the pool, and then basch would be pissed and start yelling and cursing, causing ivan to get upset and teary-eyed. then basch would feel bad and laugh it off instead to make him feel better.

Who is the better carer when the other is sick: ivan

Who would force the other to do extreme sports with them: ivan, and basch would be a little terrified of any of ivan’s suggestions

Who would cook the better romantic dinner: ivan would set up a super romantic dinner with candles and lots of homemade dishes and they’d spend hours sitting at the table talking and eating.

Who would build the blanket fort in the living room: ivan, and basch would be hesitant to go near it, but ivan would come up behind him and grab him and drag him into it.

Who would have the best holiday ideas: ivan, and basch wouldn’t share his ideas much

Who would need to clean out the other’s stuff to make room for their own: basch

send me a ship!