the awkward silence in the room is deafening. the tension in the air is thick, and lara kind of wishes she hadn’t suggested doing a live tonight.
right after daniela’s confession, lara looks at the older girl, trying to hide her disapproval and slight disappointment. she thinks back to dream academy and looks at you, wondering how you’d react. there’s something in your eyes, a subtle shine in them that tells lara you’re trying to put on a brave face.
you look at daniela, a smile on your face that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “congratulations, dani. you are so brave for sharing that…” the statement rolls off your tongue smoothly.
you say it like dream academy never existed. as if the memories of quiet mornings in the dorms that flash through your mind like a slideshow don’t feel like a stake in your heart. the feeling of your legs tangled with hers, both your chests rising and falling slowly in sync, the gentle touches on the small of your back, whispered promises still warm against your ear.
whatever it was you two shared behind cameras stays locked away somewhere, hidden from the world to see.
lara watches as daniela looks back at you, and for a brief moment, lara notices something in her eyes, but before she can dwell on it further, you shove yourself to the front, making sure you’re entirely in the camera’s view. you take a sharp breath before placing your hand on your chest. “me, on the other hand…”
lara always had your back, through and through.
but, when it came to your obvious feelings toward daniela, she couldn’t help but want to knock you out in the nicest way possible.
when you first arrived at dream academy, her gaydar went off loudly.
she sat on the ground, stretching with megan to prepare for another round of training. the indian girl was in the middle of telling the brunette about another failed date when you walked through the door with your hair braided and an effortless outfit that consisted of a distressed sweater that depicted your university, a pair of athletic shorts with socks and slides that admittedly made her snort.
you had your duffel bag slung over your shoulder and your headphones over your head, blasting a song that’s muffled to everyone in the room.
the moment you placed your belongings on the ground and removed your headphones, you were immediately bombarded with squeals and “hellos!” from every single person in the room. lara observed you. she saw the way you took a cautious step back, the way your eyes narrowed slightly at the sudden introductions.
megan leaned closer to lara and whispered, “what do you think?” the indian girl didn’t respond immediately, keeping her eyes trained on you as you said a quick, nonchalant greeting before you leant down in front of your duffel bag and rummaged through it.
lara looked away, a slight smile on her lips. “doesn’t seem like the outgoing type.” megan giggled quietly at this, looking away from you also, not wanting to give you more attention than you are already dreading.
“she’s pretty cute, though…” megan commented, and this made lara snap her head up at the brunette, her brows raised in curiosity. she looked at lara and rolled her eyes. “am i wrong?”
lara spared another glance at you in time to see you take your sweater off, leaving you in only your sports bra. you discarded the shirt onto your bag, quickly walking away from it to begin your stretches in front of the extended mirror, alone.
megan nudged lara, and the indian girl whipped her head back at megan, who had a knowing smile playing on her lips. lara scoffed, pushing the girl away. “i think cute is an understatement, no?” she quipped, causing megan to blush slightly at her words. as lara continued stretching, she began to wonder why you hadn’t said a single word to anyone.
something about you at first felt unreadable, but she was determined to figure you out.
the first person to walk up to you was manon. she strode over to you with daniela following in tow, and lara couldn’t help but stare at the interaction in amusement. at first, you didn’t seem very welcoming.
you were polite, but you never made genuine eye contact with the two girls. the confidence manon had at the beginning began to fizzle as you continued to engage passively, keeping your eyes on your reflection in the mirror as you continued to stretch. megan whispered again, but lara’s gaze remained on you. “what if she’s just a bitch?”
the comment made lara laugh loudly, her hand flying to her mouth to stifle the sound in an attempt to avoid people looking at them. she shook her head and swatted megan’s arm playfully before uncovering her mouth. her eyes settled on the interaction again, but this time around, she saw something different about you.
she noticed how you smiled at something daniela said, a genuine smile that was accompanied by a twinkle in your eyes. you suddenly got up from the floor to fully invest yourself in the conversation you were having with them. this change in your personality made the indian girl click her tongue, looking at megan with a shake of her head. “she seems friendly with dani.”
megan quirked an eyebrow at lara’s words before shaking her head. “really? dani kinda scares me, i can’t lie,” she admitted, getting up from the ground to begin stretching her arms. lara followed her best friend, mimicking her actions.
“do you also have beef with dani? or is it still just yoonchae?” lara replied, teasing the younger girl. megan began to quickly defend herself, her tone hushed so no one else in the room can hear.
her words fall on deaf ears, however, because when lara looked back at you and daniela, she can’t help but focus on the way daniela touched your arm. she was sure the latina was straight, she thought it was obvious.
but, she found herself becoming doubtful when she saw daniela laugh with her head thrown back after you said something to her. lara wasn’t usually wrong about these things, but she couldn’t help but do a double take when she saw the latina grab your wrist, pulling you along with her to continue stretching by her and manon’s side.
lara decides to confront you about it two weeks later.
“i think she’s straight,” she says to you one day out of the blue. you look at her, wide-eyed and confused as to what— or who— she’s pertaining to. she points ahead of you, a slight smirk on her face as you follow her gaze.
when you see daniela on the other side of the room, practicing for yet another evaluation, your heart skips a beat or two. there’s no denying what you feel when you’re around the latina. still, it’s something you’ve never explicitly said out loud— let alone your preferences in dating. you went into dream academy, accepting the idea of having to hide that part of yourself, not wanting to ruin your chances in the competition.
a bit of fear settles in the pit of your stomach at the realization you might have been caught. you avert your eyes away from daniela and onto the ground. you were never vocal about your sexuality, especially back home. it was a difficult subject for you to talk about, and now here you are, feeling slightly backed into a corner by lara, who you never really exchanged words with up until now.
you look at lara, your eyes pleading. “you can’t tell anyone,” you whisper. the desperation in your tone softens lara’s expression, her eyes now full of sincerity that puts you more at ease. she places a hand on your shoulder and squeezes gently.
“y/n… it’s okay. honestly…” she takes a deep breath and lets out a shaky laugh. “honestly? me too.” it takes a second for you to register the meaning behind her words. once it dawns on you, the nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach disappears, and a breath of relief escapes your lips. it feels like, for the first time since you arrived at dream academy, you’re able to relax.
you briefly glance at daniela again, remembering lara’s words from earlier, and frown. “you really think she isn’t at least a little bit… you know?” she stays silent for a moment, unsure of how to respond. before you came into the competition, lara would have been able to be quick with her answer. however, after seeing daniela interact with you, she can’t help but wonder if she judged too quickly.
she purses her lips and pats your shoulder as she replies, “i’m just saying… i’d be careful.” you look back at the girl and smile, nodding your head. even if whatever you felt for daniela was a dead-end, you’re grateful to finally have somebody to talk to.
a feeling of being accepted, being understood, resonates with you the rest of the day. it fills you with a newfound motivation to continue working hard. that loneliness that settled deeply in your chest slowly melts away with every encouraging smile lara throws in your direction whenever you two meet eyes.
after three months of being a part of dream academy, there’s a fact about you that becomes very apparent to lara.
and that’s, no matter how hard anyone tries, you keep everyone at arm’s length away.
while you did consider lara one of your closest friends at this point, not much was actually known about you. the indian girl could tell someone the name of your hometown and what college you went to before joining dream academy, but that barely scratched the surface. you managed to avoid overindulgent questions from the other girls. you would often excuse yourself if the conversation began to feel too real, too serious.
but with daniela, it seemed different.
as lara walks out of her vocal lesson, she overhears two familiar voices in one of the recording studios. she stops in her tracks when she hears your laugh, which is quickly followed by daniela’s voice. lara tiptoes toward the room and leans her ear closer to the cracked door.
inside, the task of assisting daniela with her vocal part for evaluations is long forgotten as you continue listening to her ramble mindlessly, her hands waving around frantically as she complains about another thing someone did during practice. there’s a fire in her eyes, and you know better than to try and put it out– at least right now. when she finally calms down, she sighs, leaning back against the chair with her eyes upwards at the ceiling.
you sit there quietly, letting her words linger in the studio. her hands cling to the chair’s armrest tightly, the veins in her hands popping out due to her grip on it. your hand lifts up from your lap on its own, wanting to reach out to the girl and provide her some sort of comfort. but you halt your movements as you think about lara’s words and how she told you to stay cautious.
“why… are you so nice to me?” you ask suddenly, letting your hand fall back onto your lap. she turns her head at the sound of your voice, and you notice how the fire in her eyes has extinguished, now filled with a warmth that you wish was only reserved for you.
she swivels back and forth in the chair and smiles at you tiredly. “why wouldn’t i be nice to you?” the latina asks, a soft laugh escaping her lips as she looks down at her lap.
your eyes flicker to her hand again, then to her face as you respond, “i was such an asshole when we first met, remember?” you furrow your brows, cringing at the memory of you being so passive with her and manon in the beginning. you’ve felt terrible for it ever since, and it shocks you how both girls still wanted to be a part of your village even after the encounter. your eyes stayed trained on daniela, awaiting her response.
from the corner of your eyes, you see daniela extend her hand out to you, her palm facing upwards. hesitantly, you reach out to her, placing your hand in hers, and she immediately begins to rub circles on the back of your hand in silence. the contact sends shivers down your spine, and you have to bite your lip to suppress the smile that fights its way onto your face.
as you look down at your connected hands, daniela finally breaks the silence. “i just remember wanting to get to know you.” she says simply, shrugging her shoulders as if what she said was already obvious enough.
you nod, taking it for what it is. without a second thought, you lace your fingers together slowly as though you were making sure it was the right piece to complete the puzzle. as you hold her hand, you both fall into a comfortable silence, letting each other’s presence be enough. the buzzing from the ac is the only thing that can be heard, and your heart pounds loudly in your ears.
the silence inside the room forces lara to tear herself away from the door and walk away as if she wasn’t just eavesdropping on your conversation. she couldn’t help it, though– the indian girl has come to feel very protective over you, especially when it comes to daniela.
it was confusing to lara, and she knew you well enough to know that it confused you, too. as much as you tried to convince her, she knew deep down you were trying to convince yourself as well. she has heard you say, “it’s just a crush,” so many times before. she has lost count of how many times you’ve said, “it’ll pass.”
but as your friendship with daniela continues to blossom, lara wonders how much longer it would take for your words to finally sound real.
you sit with lara, daniela, and manon outside on the back patio of the dorms. the sun is about to set, and you all just got done with the first part of filming for the dream academy trailer.
all of you still wear your gray uniforms, too tired to take them off. you sit next to daniela while lara and manon sit together across from you. as everyone engages in conversation, you find yourself zoning out, your head resting on daniela’s shoulder.
you feel warm against daniela’s side with her arm wrapped around your waist, holding you close as she continues talking to the others. you feel your eyes begin to close as the sky starts to dim slowly, the automatic patio light turning on to illuminate the growing darkness.
“wait! let me tell you guys something my boyfriend told me last night!” daniela suddenly exclaims as she sits up straighter but doesn’t let go of you. despite the topic of the conversation changing, daniela holds you closer to her side, her hand finding yours in your lap.
you keep your eyes closed tightly in an attempt to tune the latina’s words out. your face scrunches up as she continues talking about him; there’s a slight pang in your chest as she confesses how much she loves him.
and lara watches you attentively. she pays attention to how tightly you hold daniela’s hand.
another day of filming for dream academy comes around, and while getting ready, lara notices how differently you’ve been acting.
she watches you do your hair in front of the vanity mirror, and she can’t help but frown when she sees you attempting to do a hairstyle that you struggled with in the past. there isn’t much time left before their next schedule, and lara fears you’ll stress yourself out.
she is about to ask if you need assistance, but a loud squeal cuts her off. her eyes follow daniela, who bounces over to you with excitement in her eyes. you’re in the middle of styling your bangs with your straightener when the latina wraps her arms around your neck.
“i love when your hair is like this!” she giggles loudly. you carefully place the straightener back down, rolling your eyes as you lean into daniela’s arms.
lara looks away from you two, finally making sense of your decisions.
you want daniela’s attention on you. and you know exactly how to get it.
lara remembers that one night in the lounge, you were all sitting together after a long and exhausting day of heels. celeste sat next to you on the couch and admitted how she felt intimidated by your presence when you first arrived at dream academy.
suddenly, the other girls jumped into the conversation, amplifying her thoughts tenfold. megan sat with lara on the other couch opposite you and worriedly asked the girl, “should we intervene?”
lara watched you intently, seeing the way your cheeks flushed in surprise. the reply you tried to provide came out as a flustered mess, a jumble of words that made no sense. celeste found it endearing and cooed at you.
before you could react, she leaned closer to you, reaching up to pinch your cheeks affectionately. megan is about to make another comment, but lara shushes her, pointing in the other direction of the room.
as you stared at celeste in a daze, her hands on your cheeks, daniela appeared next to you out of nowhere, nudging celeste away. the latina attached herself to you, her arms wrapped around your own, and looked at the pink-haired girl with a stern look.
“y/n doesn’t like when people touch her face.” her words sounded like a threat, and it made you look away, a bit embarrassed. celeste quietly mumbled out an apology, scooting away from you to sit on the farthest side of the couch.
“dani’s got it,” lara murmured, her eyes still on the latina in curiosity. she watched daniela search for any discomfort on your face, and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. it sometimes bothered lara to watch daniela be so possessive of you.
if everything was truly platonic on her end, then why does she become so angry when someone else shows you the same affection?
and you weren’t stupid. you know daniela becomes this way whenever you are giving your attention to one of the other girls. as someone who doesn’t like engaging in physical affection for the most part, you knew it was something you did that would drive the latina up a wall.
there are people whom daniela doesn’t bat an eye at, though. lara, for example. and especially manon. but there have been times, though, when you’ve noticed a slight change in the latina’s demeanor when lara begins to playfully flirt with you.
as soon as you notice this change, you start trying to push daniela’s buttons, testing how far you can play along with the tantalizing banter from any of the girls before the latina decides she has had enough.
as you continue getting ready, from the corner of your eye, you see daniela tying her curly hair into pigtails. she looks closer in the mirror and grabs her lipstick to touch up what she has already done. you look away to give lara your undivided attention, ignoring how daniela watches you through the full-length mirror she sits in front of.
you grab your eyeliner from your makeup bag and hand it to lara, gesturing for her help. she gives you a look as if picking up on the game you are trying to play with the latina. you simply give her a pleading look, pairing it with a slight pout on your lips.
“you’re going to get me killed, y/n.” lara sighs, grabbing the eyeliner from your hand and taking the cap off. you light up as she leans closer to you with the applicator.
you continue ignoring daniela’s stare as you reply, “you’re the one who goes with it, though.” lara doesn’t respond and continues to concentrate on the task at hand.
you can’t help but enjoy the way daniela watches you two closely, your heart beating faster when lara messes up slightly due to you giggling too much. you wonder if she sees the way you hold onto lara’s hand, trying to keep her steady so she doesn’t make another mistake.
lara, on the other hand, does notice how daniela furrows her brow. she notices how the latina looks away with a slight frown on her lips.
lara wants to say something, but she bites her tongue, knowing better than to piss the girl off right before filming.
against all odds, you’re starting to be known as dream academy’s wildcard.
you sit on the grass of a park you found while you were on your morning run, scrolling through the different comments on youtube and posts on twitter.
after the first performance was uploaded, the amount of support you had evolved from 0 to almost thousands. it was as if a switch had been made, and now people who were previously calling you boring were begging for your debut.
there were endless videos on tiktok talking about your ability to catch an audience. your cheeks flare every once in a while when you come across an old video of yourself dancing resurfacing. people were in awe, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride.
you put your phone away, smiling to yourself. you begin to make your way back to the dorms, running with a newfound confidence. once you get back, it’s 8 am. you slip inside, trying not to make a noise. the last few weeks, you’ve been able to get back into the dorm, unnoticed by the other girls when you go for your run. you’re grateful for the chance to spend some quiet time by yourself before the chaos of the competition ensues.
you slip your sneakers off and put them to the side. as you quietly walk over to the shared kitchen, a quiet voice disturbs your silence, making you jump slightly at the intrusion.
“how was your run?” daniela asks, her nose in a book. she doesn’t notice how you stand in the kitchen with your hand clutching your chest, eyes wide and on high alert.
you were so wrapped up in your own head that you didn’t even notice daniela’s presence in the living room, cozied up on the couch with her glasses perched on her nose. she doesn’t even bother to look up from her book, too engrossed by the story in front of her to take a break from it, not even for you.
you take a deep breath, regaining your composure before finally responding to daniela’s question. “it was good… why are you up right now?” you ask with a tilt of your head.
she flips another page and shrugs. “i woke up after you left this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, so…” she pauses, taking a moment to read the words in front of her. daniela then continues, looking up from her book, “so, i decided to come out here.”
you nod at her words and begin to walk over to her. you decide to sit on the ground, plopping yourself next to the couch she’s lying on. you pull your knees up to your chest and hug your legs, resting your chin on top of your knees. “very roundabout way to tell me you miss me, dani.” you whisper, a teasing smile tugging at your lips.
she peers at you over her book, and the way she crinkles her eyes tells you she’s smiling behind the cover. “if i missed you, i’d just say it,” she claims, her tone very matter-of-fact. she then places the book down page-first onto her chest and looks at you with amusement in her eyes. you heard her loud and clear, but you knew what she meant otherwise.
you grin and begin to fidget with your fingers. “well, i missed you,” your words come out like a whisper as if you hadn’t planned on saying them out loud. the look in daniela’s eyes softens as she continues holding your gaze, a beat of silence between you both. she opens her mouth slightly but then closes it, the silence remaining.
you tilt your head as you look into the latina’s eyes and find yourself becoming lost in her brown hues. they begin to shine brighter as the rising sun begins to seep through the blinds. a silly part of you hopes to win this competition just so you can see daniela in the mornings every single day for the rest of your life.
your breath hitches as daniela reaches out to you and cups your chin with her hand. you feel her thumb graze your cheek gently, her hand warm against your skin.
she stares at you as if you were the most important thing to exist, as if you were the reason the sun decided to rise this morning. she looks at you like no one ever has before, and for a moment, you’re able to pretend she doesn’t have a boyfriend. you don’t think about lara’s words. you sit there and lean into her touch, closing your eyes.
“i missed you too.”
you’re lying with lara on her bed when she decides to ask you about daniela again.
you keep your eyes on the ceiling as you hear her ask, “do you really think she likes you?” it isn’t accusatory, and there’s no bite to her words– you know she’s genuinely curious. but you can’t help the way your brows furrow at the question. you aren’t upset with what lara asked, not at all.
you’re more upset with the fact that you didn’t have an answer. there is no answer for the way daniela knows you better than everyone else at dream academy, no explanation for the secret touches under the table or the subtle glances across the room during practice.
if liking you doesn’t explain the way she acts when you’re around any of the other girls, then you aren’t sure what the answer is.
lara speaks up again, her voice filled with concern, “i don’t want you to get hurt.” she turns her head to face you, and you know she has that look in her eyes. it’s the one that makes you feel as though this is all for nothing and that whatever you have with daniela is all in your head.
your lip trembles as you attempt to ignore it, and tears spring to your eyes as you think about how easy it was for you to let your guard down when it came to the latina. it didn’t make sense to you that your biggest obstacle in dream academy would be daniela avanzini.
and you wanted to hate her for it.
you bite your lip, squinting your eyes up at the ceiling. “me neither.”
you lay on the practice room floor, scrolling through your phone while daniela lays her head on your stomach, taking selfies. you laugh every once in a while, wanting to mess with daniela’s photos. the latina swats at your arm, glaring. “stop! i look good!”
you snicker, moving your hand instinctively to daniela’s hair. you thread your fingers through it, smiling softly. “you’re the one literally laying on my stomach… just move, bro…”
daniela sighs and shakes her head, leaning into your touch. “no… too comfy.” you roll your eyes at the girl’s response and allow her to continue taking her photos.
after a few minutes, you both decide your break is over and get up, bumping your shoulders with each other. daniela grins at you and connects her pinky with yours as if she already missed having you by her side. “let’s get this shit over with.” she sighs dramatically, and you snort at her words, letting go of her pinky to walk over to your duffel bag.
as you dig through it to find another shirt, you can’t help the words that escape your lips, “wanna get done early so you can talk to your boyfriend?” a slight frown forms on your face as you think about the idea of daniela and her boyfriend.
you know you’re the one who brought it up, but it still bothers you more than you’d like to admit. there’s an odd tension in the room as you stand up, turning around to face the Latina once more to ask if she’s okay. your face falls when you notice the dim look in her eyes. “dani?”
she bites her lip and looks down at the ground, shrugging her shoulders. “i actually… broke up with him last night.” you widen your eyes at her words, immediately running up to her to pull her into a tight embrace.
“oh shit, i’m so sorry for saying that,” you reply, holding her close to you. despite your feelings for Daniela, you still can’t help but feel bad. you know how much she loved him and the way she talked about him; you could tell he was a somewhat decent person.
you feel her wrap her arms around your waist and rest her head against your chest. she shakes it gently, letting out a quiet laugh. “it’s okay. it had to be done, i think.” you furrow your brows and pull away from the girl slightly to take a look at her.
you tilt your head. “why do you think you had to do it?” she picks her head up from your chest and looks up at you. her hands travel from your waist, up your arms, and find their place on your shoulders. the delicacy of her touch forms a lump in your throat, but you continue to remain composed, not wanting your feelings to get the best of you.
daniela’s lips form a thin line as she responds, “i just… it didn’t feel right anymore.” you wonder if there’s a secret meaning behind her words. they’re so vague, and you try to hide your confusion. you’re usually good at deciphering daniela, but at this moment, the riddle proves itself to be difficult.
you continue staring at her as if trying to read between the lines, and it doesn’t help that the expression on her face is unreadable. she looks at you in a way that makes your heart beat faster, and you can’t find an explanation as to why that’s the case.
suddenly, her lips are on yours.
no one knows what happened, but there are whispers amongst the other contestants when they watch you run out of one of the practice rooms, hurriedly making your way toward the private bathroom that’s down the hall.
lara watches with wide eyes as you push past everyone, running into the bathroom. admittedly, her first instinct is to find daniela, but to lara’s shock, when she walks to the room you came out of, she sees the latina standing there in the middle of the room.
she looks up at lara with tears in her eyes. before she can say anything, lara turns on her heel, not even giving daniela another thought. she jogs to the private bathroom you’re currently occupying, ignoring everyone’s concerned stares as she walks up to the door slowly.
she knocks quietly and leans closer to the door. she whispers, “y/n… it’s me…” the quiet “come in” breaks lara’s heart as she hears the lock on the door ‘click.’ she opens the door cautiously, stepping inside, and sees you sitting on the ground, knees hugged to your chest, avoiding eye contact.
lara takes a deep breath before getting on her knees in front of you, grabbing your hands and squeezing them gently. she looks at you worriedly, but you continue avoiding her gaze, only looking down at the ground as tears freely spill from your eyes.
lara reaches up and cups your cheeks, using the pad of her thumb to wipe away your tears. she whispers gently, “what happened, y/n…”
you shake your head, not wanting to reveal what has happened between you and daniela. lara tilts her head, frowning. she lets go of your cheeks and clasps both her hands around yours. she looks down at them and whispers again, “y/n… what happened with dani?”
you let out a bitter laugh through tears at the mention of the Latina. you just shake your head, squeezing lara’s hands tightly. “what do you think, lara? i was being fucking stupid.” she shakes her head, immediately letting go of your hands to pull you into a hug.
the moment your head hits her chest, you let go of the sob you’ve tried so hard to hold in. your shoulders shake as your emotions wrack through your body, and you just feel so pathetic.
this shouldn’t have been a surprise. you should have known better– you did know better.
lara continues to hold you as you cry, whispering comforting words to you in hopes that it will be enough to help you calm down. you grip the back of her shirt as you think about what happened after the kiss, the words she said to you stabbing you over and over again.
when your sobs finally subside, you sit still in lara’s arms, unsure of what to do next.
“i’m in love with her.” you say hoarsely. lara doesn’t reply and just holds you tighter. she knows no words can turn back time. she knows this is something you will have to sit with despite how hard you’ve tried to avoid it.
but you refuse to sit with it.
“you can’t ignore me when we get put in a group together.” you tell daniela after mission 3. your arms are crossed over your chest as you watch her stop right in front of her door to her room. she ignores you and places her hand on the doorknob. you wait for her to turn it, but she doesn’t, still standing with her back toward you.
“i’ve got this far, and i’m confident that i’ll get that spot,” you take a step closer, your presence looming over her. you continue, “and i’m confident you’re getting that spot too.” daniela scoffs at your words but doesn’t reply. she remains silent, and it only fuels your slight frustration even more.
you whisper again, your tone stern yet gentle at the same time, “stop pretending i don’t exist.” daniela continues to ignore you. she bows her head, and for a moment, you think she will finally reply, but the dorm stays quiet; the only thing that can be heard are the muffled conversations inside the other rooms.
you press again, this time challenging her. as you do, you reach a hand out to her, a small part of you hoping she’d accept it. “you want me to stay. i know you do.”
without a single word, daniela finally twists the doorknob. she opens the door and walks inside, slamming the door shut in your face
when your name is announced, lara feels tears form in her eyes. she covers her mouth with her hands, overwhelmed with happiness that you will be debuting with her. she looks at you and calls out your name, excited to see you walk across the stage to take your place as the seventh member.
however, you don’t move. you stand frozen in your spot as if lost in your own head. suddenly, you turn your head to look at the other six girls on the other side of the stage, but lara knows who you are really looking for. her eyes trail over to daniela, who looks back at you with an expression that lara isn’t able to name. it almost looks like relief.
the live show continues as you end up walking past daniela and jump into lara’s arms.
“she never told me what happened that day,” lara says the morning after the live.
daniela sits downstairs in the lobby of the hotel alone. she looks up at lara in surprise, not expecting the sudden confrontation. she opens her mouth to say something, but lara holds her hand up, cutting the latina off. “and honestly? i don’t really care to know. not anymore.”
daniela closes her mouth and looks away, crossing her arms over her chest. “then why bring it up?” there’s a bite to her words, but lara ignores it.
“because i know whatever you did say didn’t match what i saw.” lara watches daniela take a deep breath.
the other girl closes her eyes, her jaw tightening. “i don’t know what you’re talking about.”
lara nods her head and looks away from daniela. she knows you’ll come back any minute now after your morning run, so she decides to cut the conversation short. “why are you up so early anyway?” she asks. lara notices how daniela tenses up slightly at the question as if she had been caught doing something wrong.
“needed some fresh air, i guess.” lara looks back down at daniela and bites her tongue, knowing today isn’t the day to continue pushing the latina.
lara turns around and takes one more look over her shoulder. she allows the bitterness to drip from her words, “make sure you tell her good morning when you see her.”
an: i was inspired to re-upload this one immediately so i lit opened my word doc and edited it as fast as i could LOL anyway, this was one of my fave fics.... the shitshow that happened on my blog right after was entertaining. if this was ur 2nd time reading, i hope u enjoyed again. if this was ur first time, let me know what u think! a second part was never made but it was in progress so watch out for that one day :) - rylee
“are you… are you breaking up with me?” the words you have been dreading come out of your mouth as a whisper. you stare at your girlfriend, your brows furrowed in disbelief. she stands in front of you with a tired look in her eyes, as if she has no fight left in her.
the will to continue arguing about what has happened seems to have exhausted the other girl, but you, on the other hand, continued to stand your ground, eyes pleading as your lip trembled at the thought of the brunette slipping through your fingertips.
you didn’t even consider this to be a possibility. she’s your soulmate– it’s literally written in destiny. the stars and planets aligned just at the right time, so that you can be in this space with her.
and now, she wants to break up, despite what was already laid out for both of you.
megan takes a sharp breath and closes her eyes tightly, crossing her arms over her chest. her eyes dart around your dorm room to avoid yours, and this frustrates you even more. you grip your arm tightly as you think about the words inscribed on it. you felt betrayed, not only by megan but also by the universe itself. “you’re breaking up with me.” the finality in your words causes your voice to break.
your tears begin to stream down your cheeks as she slowly nods, still avoiding your eyes. “i just… think it would be better for right now, you know?”
but you don’t know. you don’t think you will ever know.
you jump at the sound of keeho slamming his hands down onto the table, leaning over it with his eyes wide after you give him the rundown of the events that occurred the night before. you lean back in your seat to look up at him, your heart beating loudly in your chest. “are you fucking crazy?!” you hiss. your eyes begin to dart around the library you’re both occupying in hopes you won’t find someone paying either one of you any attention.
he stands his ground, his eyes keeping the same amount of intensity (or insanity, whichever way you look at it). “i’m fucking crazy?! you just lost your soulmate! that’s fucking crazy!” you shush him quickly, getting up from your seat to grab his shoulders. you attempt to push him back into his chair, but he holds onto your arms, somehow getting the upper hand. “how are you not freaking out right now?!” his voice booms throughout the quiet library, and it makes you wince.
you manage to push him back into his seat, and for a moment, you try catching your breath, still standing over the table. you look down at him and suddenly remember what you two were talking about in the first place. your fists clench when it catches up to you, and your jaw tightens when the memory of losing megan comes back at you with full force. your heart twists painfully in your chest, and you want to scratch the words off of your arm, tear it easily off of your skin as if it were a band-aid.
suddenly, you fall back into your seat in defeat. “it just doesn’t feel real.” you quietly respond. your shoulders slump, and you keep your eyes on your lap.
keeho stares at you and frowns, rubbing the back of his neck in slight embarrassment over his theatrical reaction. “i’m sorry, y/n…” he sighs deeply. when you don’t respond, he leans forward once more and places his elbows on the table. he whispers, “did she say why? i mean… this is a lot.” you can’t help but let out a bitter laugh in response to his words.
you pick your head up and give him a slight, strained smile. “she said we’re young. and we should experience being young before committing to anything…”
he furrows his brows. “what? dude, if i found my soulmate, i wouldn’t even bother with dating anymore.” he leans back in his seat and crosses his arms over his chest, clicking his tongue in disapproval. “like, that’s it. that person is all i’ll ever need.”
you shrug at his words and look away again, your eyes scanning the library silently, observing the other college students who occupy the space. “i think it’s because i’m…” you run your hand through your hair, trying to find the words to explain the thought that has been haunting your mind since you started noticing the changes in your relationship with megan. “i don’t know… i think it’s because i’m, you know, me.” the last part comes out quietly, although loud enough to voice your insecurities.
you attempt to avoid the conversation by staring at a group of students at one of the study tables. they loudly discuss one of their classes– you pick up on it being ‘soulmate theory 110.’ a required class for all students in the college. you took it freshman year, and you wish you had paid more attention, especially now.
“what do you mean? you’re a catch, friend.” he tells you with a bewildered look in his eyes. his words cause you to let out a chuckle, shaking your head at his attempt at being lighthearted. you turn away from the group of students to look at keeho with a slight smile tugging at your lips.
“she’s a literal popstar. she’s probably in the studio right now while i'm sitting here with you.” you emphasize the last part, enjoying the way he rolls his eyes at your implications.
keeho huffs and keeps his arms crossed. he looks at you worriedly as he replies, “do you… i mean, is there a chance for her to come back? i mean, it’s not like she has any other choice, right?” you bite your lip as you think about his question. your eyes find your arm again, and a bit of hope resonates throughout your body.
“i’m sure we’ll figure it out.”
‘you looked lonely over here.”
you always found the inscription to be somewhat ironic.
before meeting megan, you had always wondered what the situation would be like. you used to stay up past your bedtime when you were younger, fantasizing about the interaction you would have with your soulmate for the very first time. you used to practice how you would reply, taking guesses at what your own first words would be. the concept of soulmates has always fascinated you. the idea of someone being curated just for you seemed like a dream, and you found yourself always hopeless.
when you do finally meet megan, it is the farthest thing from magical.
you were admittedly high out of your mind and sat outside the porch of someone’s house that you couldn’t for the life of you remember. you knew they were the host, and you knew it was one of keeho’s famous influencer friends that he managed to make during his internship last summer with a big music company in los angeles. the moment you were told there would be a little weed and a little booze, it would have taken more to convince you not to go than not.
however, after having more than a little weed and no booze at all, you begin to regret your life choices as you sit slumped on one of the patio chairs, staring up at the sky and creating your own constellations out of the stars that sit above you.
suddenly, the sliding door opened, but the obnoxious squeak it made still didn’t stir you from your current, mindless task. you continued to sit there, unmoving, not even noticing the intruder coming to sit next to you on the patio.
after a few minutes of silence, the intruder cleared their throat. her voice was so quiet that it didn’t quite register in your head what she said. “you looked lonely over here.”
you turned your head toward the unfamiliar girl, your eyes hooded as if the lights were on, but no one was home. you squinted at her, whispering back, “who do i look like?”
her eyes widened. you noticed how she suddenly froze, unable to respond to your question. you tried to rewind the interaction in your head, figuring out what could have been the source of her sudden shift in demeanor. then suddenly, it registered.
her first words to you.
you swallowed the lump in your throat and felt your body becoming hot with slight embarrassment over missing what had just happened. you whispered again, “wait– what did you say?”
she bit her lip, tucking a strand of her ginger hair behind her ear shyly. the girl in front of you lets out a nervous giggle– a sound that makes your heart flutter in your chest. she looked down at her arm and smiled. “i said, “you looked lonely over here.”” she then extends her arm out to you, displaying the words inscribed into her arm. you read every word, memorized every letter and syllable that stood out to you like it was code only you and her could decipher together.
“wait, i said that?” is how you chose to respond. you look up at her, your cheeks red and a sheepish smile on your face. the sight of you made the girl, your soulmate, laugh loudly. she smiles widely through her laughter, and you can’t help but join her. it felt ridiculous. you pictured this moment for so long, just for it to be messy, nothing short of a disaster.
but as you take another glance at her, seeing her whiskered dimples in her cheeks, you knew the moment was perfect in its own right.
when her laughter subsides, she continues grinning and scoots her chair closer to you. “it’s you.” she whispered as if declaring to the universe that they’d done their job. she looks at you, her eyes brown and gentle, providing you with a warmth that only a soulmate could provide.
you whispered back, “it’s me.”
it’s been a month since megan broke up with you, and all the videos you’ve been seeing of her on different social media outlets have made you almost deactivate every single one of your accounts.
in all of them, she looked so happy, so carefree. there was one of her recently at weho pride that made you stare for far too long. but then, you remembered you were no longer together, and you ended up throwing your phone across the room.
now, with no more megan and $800 down the drain, you feel rather discouraged.
you trudge to class tiredly after pulling another all-nighter. to avoid thinking about your ex, you’ve had your nose buried in textbook after textbook, completing assignments quickly as they come. you never had an interest in the inevitable economic collapse in the united states. still, you’re confident that if you were given an exam right now, you’d ace it in ten minutes flat. your coping mechanism could have been worse– honestly, you could have tried a schedule 2 drug at this point just to feel something again.
but hard drugs have always scared you, and you’ve always been too afraid to try new things.
there’s an ache in your back as you step inside the classroom, letting your legs guide you to the seat you claimed earlier in the quarter. however, you stop in your tracks when you see a girl you haven’t seen before sitting there. you notice how she has already unpacked all of her belongings, ready for the lecture that awaits.
a migraine begins to settle inside your head as you take a sharp breath, opting to take an open seat in the back of the room instead of fighting a new battle. you drop your stuff onto the ground and plop into the seat, immediately letting your head fall onto the unfamiliar desk with a thud.
the words on your arm burn with every image of megan that flashes through your mind.
you lay on chaewon’s floor, your eyes focused on her ceiling fan as you air out the one and only grievance you’ve had on your mind all day.
“someone stole my fucking seat in class today.” you suddenly blurt out. chaewon hums in acknowledgment, letting you know she is listening but doesn’t want to turn around to pay you attention. you turn your head toward keeho, who sits criss-crossed on chaewon’s bed, hugging one of her squishmallows in his lap.
he raises an eyebrow at you, a slight smile tugging at his lips over your dramatics. “is it assigned seating?” he snickers, resting his chin on top of the squishmallows’ head.
you sigh, shaking your head. “no… but it’s like. university 101 etiquette. the seat you picked at the beginning of the semester is your seat forever.” you’re aware you’re whining, but after everything you’ve already lost, to lose something else feels like a low blow.
chaewon looks at you through the vanity mirror that she sits at, pausing her makeup routine just to give you a look of disbelief. “did you… tell her that was your seat?” you turn your head toward the girl and pout. Before you can respond, chaewon looks away from you and continues curling her lashes. “so, you didn’t. therefore, that is the consequence of your own actions.”
you groan, rubbing your face with your hands. “chae, stop being mean, i’m sensitive right now.” your words are slightly muffled, but it doesn’t stop the smirk that spreads across keeho’s lips.
“exactly. you have bigger problems than some random girl stealing your seat.” he claims, shaking his head at the way you continue to pout.
under your breath, you murmur, “seat snatcher,” as you prop yourself up on your elbows to get a better look at keeho, who continues staring at you with amusement. your eyes fall onto his arm, and you raise an eyebrow. “what does your arm say again?” he lights up at your question, extending his arm out for you to see the words more clearly.
“that was really brave of you.”
chaewon snorts, which grabs your attention, snapping your head toward the girl who has moved onto the lip part of her routine. keeho tilts his head at the brunette. “now, why are you laughing?” he asks, even though he knows the answer. chaewon caps her lipstick and finally turns around in her seat to look at you and the boy.
she smiles softly before replying, “all your soulmate is asking for is for you to stop being a pussy all the time.” the moment the words leave her mouth, keeho starts to defend himself, making excuses for the reason as to why he hasn’t met his person. chaewon engages in this argument more so to continue rage-baiting the poor boy. as they bicker, you observe the characters on chaewon’s arm.
it’s in korean. in english, it’s, “is this seat taken?” you found hers to be so beautiful. the concept of soulmates being able to transcend a language barrier despite the existence of thousands. the fact that there are people out there who learn an entire language just to communicate with the love of their life, just to understand them, fills you with an adoration toward humanity. it makes you believe, for a brief moment, that love really is enough.
as the bickering between chaewon and keeho begins to subside, her eyes wander over to you, widening when she realizes you’ve been crying. she gets up from her seat and quickly walks over to you. “y/n? what the hell?” chaewon kneels and pulls you into a tight hug, allowing you to cry in her arms.
keeho jumps off the bed and kneels on the floor beside you. “y/n… it’s okay…” he whispers gently, placing a comforting hand on your back. you don’t know how it happened or what caused you to break down suddenly, but at some point, it just became too difficult for you to hide.
“i don’t– i don’t get it.” you manage to say through your broken sobs. your head falls against chaewon’s chest, and you try desperately to control your breathing, but it’s as if the walls have finally closed in on you. it’s been a month since megan broke up with you, but it also means you would have spent seven months together. it would have been seven months since finding her, and in theory, it should have been an infinite amount more.
it’s what the fairy tales talked about. all the stories passed down from one generation to the next taught you. you’re born as half of a whole, and one day, you’ll find that other half. their first words to you are engraved on your skin like a promise. it’s what the prophets call destiny– the poets call it a human’s life purpose.
but there isn’t a crash course for what to do when your other half ignores the universe.
unfortunately, an instruction manual isn’t available to your disposal to get through this.
megan loved you loudly. she loved you so much that you believed it would be difficult for her to do otherwise.
when it came to her being a rising global popstar sensation, (the group’s words, not yours. an inside joke, they told you through a fit of laughter), it was only natural that her schedule would be all over the place.
but she made the time to be with you. against all odds, she somehow managed to attach herself to your hip even on her busiest days.
megan loving you meant taking you on drives to her secret places, the windows down with your shared playlist blasting through the speakers. it meant even though geffen told her to keep your relationship on the down low, she still wore the matching necklaces you bought together. she’d wear the bracelet you got her in public; the photos taken with fans would have her displaying it proudly. instagram posts would have you in the background, or you were her photographer for the day.
megan’s love for you was vivid. it was better than anything else you could have conjured up in your head.
but then, without warning, the love felt quieter. inside jokes would go unheard, tired eyes not meeting yours across the table, her hands not reaching for you even if you were only inches apart. it went from never having time in a day to never having it during an entire week. it was an unwelcomed change, but you told yourself not to worry so much. it was her first comeback with you, and you knew the work it required would be overbearing.
however, when gnarly finally dropped and its promotions began, the love felt almost silent. it became dead air, especially when she was in korea.
in her past travels, megan loved to send you update after update. she would tell you everything on her mind, both before and after the chaos, like clockwork. megan often told you stories about what might have happened before an interview or performance, even telling you her coffee order from that morning, even if it’s the same every single time.
but this time, she didn’t respond as much, and when she did, her texts were short and to the point. the regular facetime calls after her performances never came, and the one time she finally reached out, it was a five-minute conversation about your classes until she had to leave again.
you rationalized it was the time difference. maybe her service was spotty, and she couldn’t call and text as much as she would’ve liked.
then she came back, though. and nothing felt the same.
your breaking point was a photo of her at a bar with a couple of her friends from dream academy and other influencers in the area. it circulated all over the internet, and for the first time since being with megan, you felt jealous. an ugly feeling that crawled up your throat with its claws dug deep into your skin. you try to avoid this feeling at all costs. it felt stupid, why feel jealous when she’s your soulmate?
but she told you she was staying home that night. you were supposed to meet for dinner, but she changed plans at the last minute.
and then you found out through twitter where she actually was.
this discovery led to that night in your dorm. it began as a quiet discussion that quickly turned into an argument. it was a blur as if you were looking at her through red-stained glass, cracking at every word that was said.
“i can’t do this anymore!” she shouted. “i wasn’t even ready to meet you this early!”
then it shattered.
the sun was rising at this point. its light spilled onto the floor to tell you it’s a brand new day. how unkind for the world to continue its existence when a part of you left without another word. not even a whisper to fill the silence that followed after.
now, megan lives her life loudly. it’s a life that you can’t be a part of, and you wonder, if you weren’t some random person she met at a party, if things would go differently. maybe, if you had something to your name, loving you would be worth the schedules. there would be no need to hide from the public eye because you would be a somebody.
you sit at your desk in class, writing notes as if your life depended on it. because it’s a brand new day. you write the date at the top of your paper.
two months. you wonder how you would have spent eight months together.
and then after three months without contact, megan texts you out of the blue.
after your mental breakdown in chaewon’s room, you knew it would be in your best interest to at least try moving forward in your life despite the curveball megan decided to throw in your direction. it wasn’t easy, but you’ve been making more of an effort to take care of yourself. the conversations you’ve been having with your friends have become less about what has happened and more about what will happen, such as plans for dinner, plans for going out, and so forth.
three months have gone by, and you’re starting to feel like a human again.
the moment megan’s name lights up across your phone, you feel a lump form in your throat. the feelings you’ve tried so hard to bury beneath your feet slowly start to resurface as you begin to hypothesize what the girl could possibly want at 2 in the morning. your phone shakes in your hands as you unlock it, revealing the contents of the message.
megan: hey, have you been okay?
you bite your lip, your fingers ghosting over the keyboard as you think about your response. begging for her to come back didn’t feel like an option, so you opted for honesty.
you: i've been getting better
you: you?
you wait. the homework you were working on becomes ignored as you stare at your phone. a picture of you and megan sits on your desk, and it stares at you until you fall asleep. you waited until 6 AM, until the drowsiness that consumed you finally took over.
when you wake up, it’s 11 AM. you don’t even notice the fact that you missed your 9:30 AM class because the only thing you see when you check your phone is the three new messages from megan. you check them embarrassingly fast, getting your passcode wrong again and again as your heart beats rapidly in your chest.
megan: i’m good.
megan: i’m glad to hear you’ve been getting better.
megan: just wanted to check in. i'll talk to you soon.
you raise your hand, ready to chuck your phone again across the room. but you manage to stop yourself, placing it face-first onto your desk. you look at the picture of you and megan. she still had her ginger hair, and she still loved you unconditionally, without a weight on her shoulders.
unfortunately, you don’t have another $800 to drop, and you still don’t have megan in your life.
so, you store the photo in the bottom drawer of your dresser. it’s better to have it haunt you when you need a new pair of socks.
“have you talked to the rest of the group?” chaewon asks during lunch one day. after the brief interaction you had with megan two nights ago, you called your friends for an emergency pick-me-up (unfortunately, the meeting had to be postponed to today because, college has been kicking your ass).
you continue gnawing at your straw absentmindedly, your brain not registering the question she presented to you. chaewon notices this and snaps her fingers in your face, causing you to jump away from your drink. you place it back down onto the table sheepishly before responding, “sorry, what?”
keeho snorts beside you, eyeing you both as he continues eating his fries. chaewon just sighs and shakes her head. “i asked if you talked to any of the other girls.”
you nod, your mouth forming an ‘o’ shape. “right. um… lara reaches out here and there, the other girls, though, not so much.” you tap your chin, trying to remember if anyone else has spoken to you since your breakup, and then your eyes light up. “wait! yoonchae sometimes sends me game invites…”
keeho laughs at this, covering his mouth due to the amount of food he stuffed in his face. “that checks out,” he says, although a bit muffled.
chaewon gives the boy a disgusted look before looking back at you with a nod. “what do you and lara talk about?” she steals one of keeho’s fries as she speaks, popping it into her mouth with a smirk. keeho rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest with a huff.
“just about how i’m doing and stuff… nothing that crazy.” you place your elbow on the table and rest your chin against the palm of your hand. “sometimes she’ll tell me about how megan is doing.”
keeho raises his eyebrow and pops another fry in his mouth. “and how is megan?”
you bite your lip, your eyes finding the table more interesting to look at. “she’s good.” you say flatly. a silence follows your words, and you want to make another comment that’s more lighthearted, wishing to avoid any really serious conversations about the situation. but you keep your mouth shut. knowing your friends, they’ll see right through your actions and make it harder for you to hide behind your facade.
“have you thought about, you know, dating casually?” keeho suddenly asks. you turn toward him with narrowed eyes, and he raises his hands in defense.
chaewon looks at him incredulously and leans over the table to swat at his arm. “not everyone can be like you and just date whoever we want. some of us get attached too easily…” she sits back in her seat, looking away from him with flushed cheeks. you glance at the girl and frown, remembering chaewon’s last attempt at casual dating. it ended with you both having to take the girl back home and rub her back as she hunched over a toilet, sobbing her eyes out.
you shiver at the memory. not just at what occurred, but the person who broke her heart. she’s at the top of your hit list.
“okay, i get it. but it might help a little. get some of that frustration out, you know?” it’s your turn to swat keeho’s shoulder, and he winces, rubbing the area that will most likely bruise later. you slump down in your seat, the thought of megan seeing other people making your brain go into overdrive. for it to be a possibility never registered in your head, but then people like keeho exist.
the people who won’t wait until they find their person. the people who will love until the one comes in and sweeps them off their feet.
you glance at keeho with pursed lips. you steal one of his fries before replying, “maybe i’m just not as brave as you.”
the end of the semester is close to its end, and the reminder makes you grimace. the passage of time has always bothered you, and you hate that you’re now keeping track of it through the number of months it has been since megan left.
it’s been four if anyone is wondering.
the task for today’s class is to complete a packet full of the things that you’ve learned throughout the semester. it’s a review of the material, most likely to help students in the class prepare for the final exam. usually, you’re nervous about exams. but with how hard you’ve been working this semester (against your will, you want to add), it doesn’t seem all that bad.
your professor allowed the class to work either in groups or alone, and as you look around the room, you figure it would be easier to let this be a solo assignment.
as you’re filling your name out at the top of the paper, you notice someone’s presence towering over you. you can’t help the sigh that escapes your lips at the intrusion, but you still pick your head up, recognizing the person in front of you to be the seat snatcher.
you came to learn her actual name is huh yunjin. but seat snatcher is fitting.
you can’t help the way you squint at the redhead, feeling a slight irritation at the way she smiles at you. “yes?” you ask, looking back down at your paper, so you could force yourself to stop glaring daggers at the seat snatcher.
your eyes begin to skim through the questions, not even bothering to look up at the sound of her voice. “you looked lonely over here.”
you freeze. the words knock the wind out of you, and you wonder if you heard her right. you snap your head up to meet her eyes once more, and she continues to look at you softly, tilting her head as if intrigued by your reaction. “are you–?”
“what words are on your arm?” you cut her off, furrowing your brows in slight confusion. you can’t even remember what you said to her previously; you were too petty to give her a chance at redemption.
your question causes her to widen her eyes, and you watch as she tugs at the sleeve of her sweater as if anxious to show you what could be the answers to an unsolved equation.
the reaction makes you frown at the realization that you might have been a bit harsh with yunjin. if you were being honest, you would much rather have her still be considered a seat snatcher than a soulmate; It wouldn’t make sense for the latter.
you found your soulmate already. this would be impossible.
the grip on her sleeve tightens, and your eyes flicker from her face to her arm multiple times before deciding to take matters into your own hands. you quickly push yourself away from your desk, clumsily pulling the hoodie you wear off your body.
the hoodie falls onto the floor as you extend your arm toward yunjin. she looks down, grabbing your wrist gently to get a closer look. the small physical contact makes you blush slightly, but you ignore it, keeping close attention to the korean girl’s reaction.
the way she covers her mouth with her hand worries you. no, no, no, you think. this can’t be happening.
when she lets go of your wrist, she finally decides to show you what’s been written on her arm. she slowly pulls her sleeve up her arm, and for a moment, you’re confused. you see nothing.
that is, until you do.
unlike others you’ve seen, yunjin only had one word, three letters, and a question mark.
“holy shit,” you breathe out.
megan is cozy sweaters, a vanilla scented candle lit during a thunderstorm, with the fairy lights turned on to illuminate the darkness. she’s jumping in puddles, running through the rain with a wide smile on her face because life is too short to allow the rain ruin a date. she’s pinky promises, practicing a handshake until it’s perfect, and lips pressed against the back of your hand as if to tell you, “i’m here.”
you remember one night in your dorm, your backs against your headboard, shoulders touching as you both watched a movie on your laptop. she had her head resting on your shoulder and held your hand, tracing letters into your hand with her thumb that seemed to spell out the words on your arm.
megan also loved you softly. she loved you so warmly that it always felt like spring when you were around her. you often took subtle glances at your girlfriend, loving the way the brightness of the screen lit up her face. she would crinkle her nose at the funny scenes, cuddling into your side impossibly closer.
“i love you,” she says suddenly in one single breath. your eyes widen, your head snapping toward your girlfriend. surprisingly, it’s the first time you’ve heard those words come out of her mouth, and although you knew it was inevitable, it still makes your heart stutter in your chest.
she turns to look at you, a shy smile on her face with a bright twinkle in her eyes. “i love you.” she says again, this time a little louder, more confident.
megan is the plane finally landing in the last destination, the knock on the door, being home at last.
“i love you, too.” you whisper. it lingers in the space you both occupy, with the universe dancing in celebration above your heads.
“you’re nervous,” yunjin says, observing your tightly clasped hands on the table as she takes a sip of her matcha. she tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear and smiles a bit shyly. “i get that.”
a chuckle escapes your lips. you feel a bit sheepish, but you promised keeho and chaewon that you’d try. “yeah… i don’t know. i just feel kind of weird, i guess.” yunjin sets her cup down onto the table and nods, looking back at you with a tilt of her head. you notice a twinkle in her eyes as if she’s daydreaming about what this would mean moving forward.
yunjin places her elbows on the table and leans forward, resting her chin in her palms. she keeps her head tilted as she replies, “why weird?” you bite your lip to try and hide the smile that wants to form. for some reason, it feels disloyal to megan to meet another girl like this. even if this is what she wanted, for you, it feels different.
huh yunjin could be your real soulmate. the way she looks at you reminds you of that night you met megan.
the memory makes you dig your nails into the back of your hands. your eyes narrow slightly, and yunjin notices, reaching out to place her hand on top of yours. you almost slip your hands away on instinct, but her touch doesn’t burn like you thought it would. you bite your lip and stare at your hands, silently pleading with your heart to stop beating so fast.
yunjin squeezes your clasped hands gently, rubbing her thumb against the crescent-shaped scars that will soon form on your skin. “you can be honest, i’m a good listener…” she pauses suddenly, letting out a shaky laugh. “well. my friends tell me i’m a yapper, but i can also be a really good listener, honest!”
you laugh at her words– a genuine, loud laugh. for the first time since your breakup with megan, it feels a bit easier to breathe. you shake your head and look up at yunjin, your expression turning serious. “can i be real?” you ask shakily. yunjin nods quickly, squeezing your hands again.
you nod and take a deep breath. your throat feels tight as you force the words to leave your lips, “i already met… my soulmate.”
yunjin widens her eyes in surprise. you feel her remove the hand that sat on top of yours, but you quickly react, grabbing onto it before she can take it back completely. you furrow your brows at her before looking down at her arm, carefully turning it to reveal the “yes?” on her forearm.
the sight of it makes your breath hitch as if it hits you all over again. “but. she broke up with me… and now i’m just really confused.” you tilt your head, keeping your eyes on the birthmark. tears spring to your eyes as you continue, “and now i’m even more confused because, how am i going through this the second time?”
the grip on yunjin’s hand tightens– not painfully, but tight enough to make sure that she’s real. you tear your gaze away from her arm to look at her face. she looks at you tentatively, her complete and undivided attention on you.
you look at each other in silence, unsure of what to say next. you can’t help but feel bad for the redhead, knowing she came into this expecting a happily ever after. but as fate would have it, of course, it wouldn’t be that simple.
it’s such a shame they would do this to someone who seemed as sweet as yunjin. even if she did steal your seat at the beginning of the semester, you’re here now, supposedly soulmates.
yunjin then holds onto your hand, her grip loose yet firm at the same time. the twinkle in her eyes comes back as she looks at you and says, “we can figure it out together, then.”
her warm tone ignites something in you. you stare at yunjin, her brown eyes containing a safe space for you to jump into. it’s right there in front of you, and there’s nothing that could stop you from making that leap.
it’s been four months without megan. but you continue holding yunjin’s hand and nod.
without even realizing it, you start to familiarize yourself with the freckles on her cheeks. the small mole on her nose.
maybe there’s an entire universe in her eyes, waiting patiently to be discovered.
when you arrive at the party with keeho, you don’t know what to expect.
keeho told you that megan would be here, and that was enough for you to pull away from the conversation, not wanting to put yourself through more emotional trauma. it was already enough to lose your soulmate once, but then finding someone else who could actually be the one has sent you down a deep, never-ending spiral.
nonetheless, you decided to man up last minute, throwing together an outfit for the occasion and texting keeho to come pick you up, now.
but now, you are back in the house where you first met megan, and you can’t help but regret your decisions all over again.
keeho notices the sullen look in your eyes and pats you on the back, smiling reassuringly. “i’ll stick by you all night, don’t worry. i’ll fight her, if anything.”
that gets a laugh out of you. you look at your friend with amusement in your eyes. “please don’t fight my ex.”
“she might not even be your soulmate, so i think i have every right to do it,” he scoffs, and the reminder causes you to wince. even if he is right, it still hurts to think about.
as you continue navigating the party with keeho by your side, you feel it becoming easier to feel looser. albeit it’s definitely due to the alcohol you’ve been consuming, you start to feel lighter, maybe even a little happier.
at some point, you found yourself in a conversation with keeho and one of his friends from his internship. you listen tentatively to one of their stories from the summer time, an amused gleam in your eyes as you take another sip from your cup.
and then, ‘gnarly’ begins to play loudly over the speakers.
you down your drink completely before looking at keeho, who is already giving you a knowing look. your lips form a straight line when you hear familiar laughter coming from behind you. it’s a mixture of megan’s laugh along with her other members’. they must have decided to take their escapades to the dance floor, which makes sense— it’s their song, for god’s sake.
you know you should move somewhere else. for your sanity, it’s a good decision. but sometimes when you drink, you don’t usually pick what’s best for you.
so, that’s why you turn around instead. the urge to see megan again in real life consumes you. it’s been a very long six months without her, and even if you’re only able to catch a glimpse of your ex, you’d like to think it would be enough.
you watch as she dances with her friends. unashamed, so full of life. the sight of her happy and well brings a bittersweet smile to your face. for months, you had been wanting a sign that she missed you. you’d look closely at her pictures on instagram, the photos posted by fans, just to see if she wears the bracelet you gave her. maybe the matching necklace.
but it’s nowhere to be found, most likely collecting dust in her jewelry box.
you continue to stare at megan, getting lost in a sea of memories inside your head. it plays like a montage: megan pulling you onto the dance floor, megan picking random flowers and sticking them behind your ear, megan stealing your hoodies, megan looking at you as if you were everything she ever needed in this world.
you blink a few times, the tears in your eyes threatening to fall as the tape in your head continues to roll back. you feel keeho place a hand on your shoulder, but you stay where you are, eyes locked on megan.
but then, she spots you across the room, and your breath hitches.
you lie with megan on the couch, her back against you as she plays a round of mario kart with yoonchae and sophia. your girlfriend has a competitive spirit that you’ve always found amusing, especially with the other girls. you watch her take first place, and you take it as an opportunity to poke her sides, jabbing your fingers into the spots you know are her most ticklish.
she squeals loudly and tries to jump away from your touch. however, you wrap your arms around megan, pulling her back against you. “y/n! look! now i’m in 6th place, what the fuck!” yoonchae giggles at megan’s reaction, and sophia only shakes her head, keeping her focus on the screen.
lara watches you two in amusement from the loveseat. megan continues to try to wriggle out of your arms, but it’s no use; you intend to never let the girl go, no matter what.
“you guys are so lucky, you know?” the indian girl sighs dreamily, her eyes returning to the tv as the game continues. “you met each other so young… like, i don’t think my parents met until their late 20s.”
daniela sits on the floor in front of lara and looks up at her, nodding frantically, popping a chip into her mouth. “mine too!” she says behind her hand as she chews. the latina looks at you and megan with a gleam in her eyes. “and it happened so like… what’s the word?”
lara chimes in, taking a glance at daniela before looking back at the tv. “organically?”
“yeah! that one.” daniela confirms, looking at the tv just in time to see sophia get hit with a blue shell, allowing yoonchae to take first place. the latina laughs loudly when sophia lets out an aggravated groan.
manon snatches a chip from the bowl on daniela’s lap and quickly puts it in her mouth before the girl can notice. she turns her head to you and megan to make it seem like nothing happened. “i can’t wait to meet my soulmate. we’re gonna be just as disgusting as you guys.” she says while she’s chewing.
daniels scoffs and looks at manon with a raised brow. “i can’t even imagine how your love story is gonna go,” she points at manon’s arm and lets out a giggle. “no offense, but can you guys keep it down?” like, excuse me?”
“and they probably said what they had to say!” manon exclaims, rolling her eyes playfully at her best friend. the exchanges between everyone make you smile, happy that they’ve welcomed you into their tight-knit family.
you lean forward and press a quick kiss to megan’s cheek. “we feel really lucky.” you announce, resting your chin on her shoulder as you continue watching the round.
but what you don’t notice is the uncertainty in megan’s eyes. the smile on her face doesn’t reach her eyes. you comment that megan is now in last place, but unbeknownst to you, she sits deep in thought over the words of her members. she can’t help but wonder if there’s more to life than what she shares with you.
it feels like one of those movies. the ones where the main character meets eyes with their love interest, and in that moment, they just know, it was always meant to be. the love interest was always right there in front of them, this entire time.
you continue looking at each other, eyes locked in a staring contest. it’s as if you both wait to see who would look away first, who would give up.
surprisingly, you tear your gaze away before she does, walking with keeho to another part of the house. you don’t look back as you follow him toward the kitchen. a part of you screams to look, to check if she’s still there with her eyes on you. the feeling reminds you of a story you read in your mythology class.
“to love someone is to look back, despite the risk.”
you excuse yourself from keeho as you step inside the kitchen, telling him you needed a breath of fresh air.
your legs guide you outside to the back patio. the breeze kisses your skin as you close the sliding door, and a slight chuckle escapes your lips as you remember the last time you were out here. it was warmer, and you had nothing to lose.
you sit in the patio chair, and a sense of déjà vu overcomes you as you stare up at the sky. there aren’t as many stars as last time, and you allow them to be as they are.
suddenly, the sliding door opens, the obnoxious squeak snapping you out of your daze. you turn around and see megan standing there, a sheepish smile on her lips. your throat tightens at the words that come out of her mouth: “you looked lonely over here.”
you turn away, your cheeks flush as you hear her walk closer to you. she sits in the chair next to you, and you clasp your hands together tightly in your lap as you avoid her eyes on you.
she speaks up again, her tone lighthearted. “you look like you’ve been doing okay. is school still beating you to death?” megan laughs through her words, but you only force a smile in response, your eyes still in your lap. you’re unsure on what to say, on how to feel.
it has always been easy with megan, but after your discovery two months ago, you aren’t entirely sure how to move forward with your ex.
from the corner of your eyes, you notice how she looks down at her drink and swirls the liquid in the cup around. “our comeback has been so crazy! but, we’ve been getting so much love for it and i’ve been so-”
“i met someone,” you suddenly blurt out, picking your head up to look at her, finally. megan looks up at you, her brown eyes wide at the sudden interruption. she opens her mouth but closes it, her lips forming a thin line. you watch as she puts her empty cup down on the side table next to her, and you notice how her hand shakes.
when she looks back at you, she smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. it’s fake and deceiving, unlike all the videos that have been trending all over social media that portray her happiness. the pictures you’ve seen of her have her smiling, laughing, and, most importantly, enjoying her life.
that’s what she wanted, to be free. to live in her 20s without a weight on her shoulders.
and against your wishes, you allowed it. it’s because you love her. it’s because, despite everything, there was a chance she’d come back.
megan clears her throat and leans against the chair. “that’s good. i mean, emily was telling me how it’s actually really healthy to date other people for a little bit before meeting your soulmate– i mean, i know we met, but i just think we’re so young and we have the rest of our lives to–”
“megan.” you cut her off again, avoiding her eyes. you sigh deeply, looking up at the stars again, silently begging them for a sign. “i met someone and she… the first words she ever said to me are the ones on my arm…” you say quietly, turning your head to look at your ex.
a flash of hurt crosses her eyes. her bottom lip trembles as she replies, “that’s not possible, y/n.”
but you ignore her claim, continuing, “and my first word to her is on her arm.” you watch as the brunette crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes at you.
“i don’t believe you.” she breathes out, a shakiness in her voice. Your heart breaks at the way she looks at you. the vulnerability in her eyes was exposed, despite her attempts to guard herself. she shakes her head and scoffs. “if you’re fucking with me right now, i’ll seriously lose my shit.”
there’s bite to her words, but there’s not enough fight in you to feed it. you just look down at your hands with a bitter smile. “why would i lie, megan?” you bite your lip before sighing in defeat. “i don’t have a reason to.”
megan suddenly stands to her feet. the action surprises you, causing you to look up at the girl. she looks at you with tears in her eyes, brows furrowed in disbelief. “but we’re soulmates. we already figured that out!” she shouts, the volume of her voice making you jump in your seat.
you stand up as well, driven by your emotions. “but what if we were wrong? what if it actually isn’t us?” you say breathlessly. megan shakes her head frantically and grabs your arms. her grip is especially tight on the arm that contains the words that supposedly belonged to her. she looks up at you, her eyes shining under the moonlight.
megan’s lip trembles as she speaks, “no, no. don’t say that…” she reaches up, cupping your cheek with her hand. her thumb grazes your skin gently as if she were familiarizing herself with the feeling against her fingertips. “don’t say that. it’s not true…”
you place your hand on top of hers and squeeze it gently, leaning into her touch. you look at her with surrender in your eyes, silently telling her that you’ve given up. slowly, you remove her hand from your face, and you notice the panic starting to settle in her expression. “megan…” you whisper but she doesn’t let you finish.
“fuck what i said a few months ago, okay?” she pleads, her hands waving around wildly before grabbing her hair in frustration. “fuck everything i said. i don’t care about any of that shit, i don’t. i–” she chokes on her words, tears streaming down her face as she looks at you in desperation. “it’s you. okay? it’s always going to be you, and i know it is.”
you turn your head away from megan and take a step back, not wanting to continue listening to her words. however, she reaches up again and cups your cheeks, turning your head back toward her. you want to cry, but there’s no more tears to shed. you’ve fought this battle for six months.
and then it dawns on you. six months.
“i want to be with you. now and forever, okay? it’s us…” megan whispers, her voice breaking as she rests her head against your chest. her hands move down to your arms, and you feel her fingertips trace the letters on your skin.
you wrap your arms around megan, pulling her closer. your chin rests on top of her head as you whisper, “it would’ve been a year together by now.”
you wonder if the universe is listening. you wonder if they planned this all along.
“i love you, y/n,” she whispers into your chest. megan holds you tightly, and you can feel her tears staining through your shirt. she holds you as if you’d disappear, as if this would be the last time she’d ever be able to. “i love you so much. i know it’s you.” she pulls away slightly to look at you.
you wonder if there’s a life where you don’t have to miss megan. maybe somewhere, you don’t have to wrap your arms around a memory you called home.
“i’m glad you get to live your life.” you tilt your head, a strained smile on your lips as you look back at her. there’s a warmth in her eyes. a glimmer of hope.
but as the planets align, as the stars watch your every move, and as your birthmark continues to burn on your skin, there’s one thing you do know: love is enough.
“continue doing it, without me, okay?”
and if it’s meant to be, megan would still be at the airport, waiting for you to come home.
an: soulmate au reuploaded are we excited for this series to make a comeback friends <3 also sorry again for lit disappearing again i gen couldn't believe how wrecked my life was becoming but! lmk what u all think if this is ur first time reading! and if it isn't, i hope u loved it just as much as u did the first time rahhh - rylee
you always loved walking into the bakery in the mornings.
even though it’s been hours since you were last here, the sweet scent of pastries and baked goods still lingers in the air like a wake-up call. when you turn the lights on in the back kitchen, you’re met with your work station that you’ve become acquainted with for almost half your life, and maybe the rest of it if you’re lucky.
it’s clockwork every day. you arrive at the bakery at 4:30 AM, make yourself a coffee at the barista station, and start working on the menu your father left you the night before. it’s the same routine, but you love it, you don’t want it to be any other way.
by the time lia comes at 5:30 AM to help with the remaining pastries that need to be made, you’re already putting out a variety of cookies in different flavors, muffins to go with the patrons’ coffees, and of course, the treat of the day that your father lets you pick every single morning.
today, it’s a cinnamon coffee cake with a bit of brown sugar crumbled on top.
you’re washing the bowls you used earlier in the sink when lia comes into the kitchen, tying her apron. she yawns loudly and looks at you with bags underneath her eyes. “you seem to be in a good mood this morning.” you glance over your shoulder as you rinse down the bowls, a slight smile on your lips at the sound of lia’s voice.
you look back at the bowls and reach over to turn off the water. “i’m always in a good mood, i don’t know what you’re talking about,” you reply, setting the bowl down onto the dish rack to dry before spinning around to finally face lia.
“yesterday morning was not like that at all,” she quips in a teasing tone. you scoff and cross your arms over your chest, ignoring her words. instead, you point at one of the counters behind lia, wanting to get back to work before the store opens at 7:00 AM.
“i put out the two bread doughs for you over there. need me to get you the flour?” lia stares at you for a moment before shaking her head, turning around to walk over to the counter that held the bowls of dough she would need to work on for the day.
she uncovers them before replying, “i’ve got it. go take a break for a bit.” you’re about to respond, but lia quickly looks over her shoulder at you with narrowed eyes. “i mean it. go outside and take your stupid breather.” when she turns her head away, you roll your eyes and make your way out the back door.
the air is a bit chilly, but you welcome it. when all the ovens inside are on, it can become unbearably hot, and there are days, especially in the summer, when you consider fixing that damn fan that broke two years ago. but it also ends up being winter again, and you forget about it until the following summer.
as you take out your cigarettes and lighter from your pocket, lia’s words from earlier start to resurface in your mind. there was a reason for your sour mood the morning before, but you aren’t ready to have that conversation.
when you try to light your cigarette, your hands begin to tremble slightly, and that familiar pain you’ve been having for months now shoots up and down your arms, causing you to drop them onto the pavement.
you mumble a curse under your breath as you grip your wrist, willing the feeling to go away. the nerves in your body feel like fireworks going off with every little movement you make, and for a moment, you think you’re going to pass out.
but it passes. it always does.
you take a shaky breath as you kneel to grab your lighter, forgetting the cigarette that now lies wet on the ground. your hands still shake for other reasons you don’t want to admit out loud. the doctor told you to quit smoking; it’ll just make everything worse, but you’ve never been the best at keeping your word.
you’ve proven to yourself that you’re not the best at being alive, so maybe death can be a consolation prize.
“your mom’s facebook posts always make it seem like you’re dying,” lia points out to you after the morning rush. the comment makes you laugh loudly, prompting a pause to knead the dough you’ve been working on. she brings her phone closer to your face for you to see the post in question. “i’m serious! look at this!”
you lean forward, squinting at her screen. it was a photo of you from your most recent doctor’s appointment, and the image made your stomach churn.
you sat on the treatment table, caught getting mid-poked by the nurse to draw your blood, unaware that your mother was taking a photo. the caption made you scoff, not even wasting your time to read the entire thing before turning your head back to your task. they were just updates on your condition, the latest information the doctor has shared with you.
a chuckle escapes your lips as you wipe your hands against your apron. “the ‘keep fighting’ at the end is so crazy…”
lia leans against the table and continues to stare at the facebook post, scrolling through the comments. “everyone else under it thinks the same thing as me, too.”
“let them think I’m dying then,” you deadpan, waving her off.
lia swats at your shoulder and glares, obviously not happy with your words. “you are not dying. i just wish you’d stop smoking…” she crosses her arms, and for a moment, you narrow your eyes at being chastised once more about your bad habits.
“i will…” you sigh, walking away from the work table. lia’s eyes stay on you as you check the timer on the oven for one of the breads you’re currently baking.
there’s a look of disapproval on her face, and you can‘t help but groan, leaning against one of the counters. your hands grip the edge of the countertop, and you tilt your head back slightly, closing your eyes as you respond, “lia, i will stop smoking eventually.”
“why not now?” she asks you, her tone challenging yet teasing at the same time. you rub your temple with your hand in irritation, and as you open your eyes again, the fluorescent light above you blurs your vision slightly. a sharp pain runs up your neck, and you can feel it reach your head. your eyes close tightly again, and you bow your head, hoping the feeling will pass.
you pinch the bridge of your nose, hoping the scene in front of lia could be passed off as a headache, in this weather, perhaps sinus issues. “maybe when the holidays are over… it’s so stressful right now.”
you’re about to add on more to your statement, but suddenly, the timer goes off, and you wince at the sound. you stumble away from the oven and hunch over one of the other work tables, clutching its sides to ground yourself while the pain persists. lia runs over to the oven, turns off the timer, and then cautiously walks over to you to place a hand on your back.
but you shake your head, pushing yourself away from the table. you walk away from lia to take a break outside. she watches you worriedly, probably disappointed in your choices, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.
it’s the holidays, you try to justify again.
across the country, daniela just got off the phone with her mother. she sits on her bed, staring at the phone in her hands, unsure of how to react to the news she's just received. a quiet knock against her door causes the latina to look up, quickly wiping away the tears that were forming in her eyes. manon notices, though, and frowns, making her way inside the room to see what’s going on. she walks over to daniela’s bed and sits across from her, placing a comforting hand on her knee. manon tilts her head and whispers, “dani? what’s wrong?”
her bottom lip trembles as she looks at the ghanaian girl. tears start to spring to her eyes once more as she takes a deep breath, whispering, “my ex is… dying, i guess.”
the moment you get home, you make a beeline toward your father’s office, feeling a slight agitation with your mother after discovering the post she made on social media.
since lia showed it to you, it seems many people from your past have taken it as an opportunity to reach out and offer their condolences. peers from your high school that you haven’t spoken to since then have randomly sent you red emoji hearts to your instagram dms, telling you how strong you are for fighting this long.
you bust through the door, your arms crossed over your chest as you look at your father, who doesn’t seem fazed by your sudden intrusion. “can you tell mom to stop making it seem like i have cancer or something?”
he glances at you, raising an eyebrow at your tone. “you know i can’t control what she does online.”
you stare at your father, trying your hardest not to narrow your eyes at him. you know it isn’t his fault, and you know he’s right— your mother always had a habit of oversharing, especially on facebook for all her old college friends and distant relatives to see.
it’s a habit you often found yourself fighting with your mother over, pleading with her to get off the stupid app. but as usual, she never listens, and you are left to deal with the aftermath.
suddenly, a sharp pain shoots up your neck, and you immediately look away from him, shaking your head to rid yourself of the tight feeling in your shoulders.
you release a sharp breath and purse your lips, your nostrils flaring as the discomfort intensifies. your eyes close, and you hear your father get up from his chair, but you stumble back, not wanting to disrupt his peace right before he goes back to the bakery.
“y/n, sit down…” the distress in his voice makes your head spin. there’s a pit in your stomach and a loud ringing in your ears that causes your head to ache intensely. your father attempts to place his hands on your shoulders, but you push him away, shaking your head with tears in your eyes.
“it’s fine, dad… i just… i need to go to my room.” before he could reply, you were already walking out of his office.
you quickly make your way inside your room, shutting the door. you lean back against the door with a loud thud, sliding down against it until you’re sitting on your bedroom floor. you pull your knees up to your chest and close your eyes, silently letting your tears fall, waiting for the pain to go away.
you never liked being the center of attention.
it’s something that always brought you discomfort, and it didn’t help that your mother treated you like some sort of treasure. she doesn’t do it with ill intentions– you know that; however, there are days when you despise being her only child.
she had nothing else to ever talk about, and if you were being completely honest, it’s not like you had any award-winning achievements.
high school was like a battleground, and you were just trying to make it toward the end of the day, the ringing of the bell at 3:00 PM sharp, followed by the announcements as an overnight truce. you managed to lie low and stay out of everybody’s way, even avoiding close friendships and especially relationships.
but with your diagnosis, it came out of the blue, like faulty wiring that was missed for years and passed off as regular stress any other high school student would experience. it was a series of headaches, a tense feeling in your shoulders that a night's sleep couldn’t get rid of.
the blurriness in your vision paired with the pain in your head always came and went, but then came the weak feelings in your arms. you remember the first time it happened– it was at the bakery. You were kneading the dough like usual, like you always had.
and then, you were frozen. it was as if your brain short-circuited and forgot how to be a human. you stood there unmoving, but you felt everything.
the pain was unbearable, to the point where you became lightheaded. everything became blurry, and the dough started to look fake. you closed your eyes and didn’t open them again until much later, in a hospital room with your parents hovering over you with tears in their eyes.
that was a year ago, and now you’re 21, taking medication to ease your symptoms and to continue living the life you envisioned in your head.
but you aren’t quite sure if spending the rest of your days at the bakery is really what you want.
when you were 17, it was your dream– a dream you often had that always included a curly-haired brunette with the prettiest hazel eyes you’ve ever seen.
she would walk through the door of the bakery, the chime from the bell at the top of the door signaling her presence. you would be in the middle of putting out the fresh pastries for the day, and you’d look up to see her already giving you a dimpled smile. in that dream, you always smiled back because she was finally home.
but, you’re 21 now, and you’ve stopped looking at the door.
after the horrid week you had, you’re glad it’s finally the weekend.
usually around the holidays, the bakery stays open longer than usual, making sure everyone gets their peppermint hot cocoa and gingerbread-flavored treat. it’s the busiest the bakery ever gets, but your father still likes to keep it closed on sundays. not for any religious reasons, but solely to give you and himself a break every once in a while.
the bakery being closed doesn’t mean there isn’t any work to do, though. you still come in at 4:30 AM to prepare for the next day's tasks.
going to the bakery makes you feel normal. it’s a few hours where you can ignore the looming hospital visits, the pain in the side of your neck, because maybe it’s just the fact that you’ve had your head nose deep in dough for the last three hours.
you can control the pastry menu and the amount of sugar to put in your coffee, but you can’t control what the doctors tell you every week.
your phone plays music loudly as you hum along, balancing two trays of rolled-out cookie dough in your hands. each task you complete is ticked off as the hours fly by. by 10 AM, you decide to start the bread dough, having already completed most of tomorrow's prep.
as you lock the mixing bowl in place underneath the mixer, you hear a gentle knock on the back door. at first, you believe the sound was in your imagination, but it comes again, louder and much firmer.
you check your watch in confusion. your father doesn’t come in until 12 PM on sundays, and it’s lia’s day off. you walk cautiously toward the door, staring at it as if it would open by itself. when you open the door, you take a deep breath, preparing for the visitor.
what you see in front of you causes your breath to hitch. it’s daniela avanzini in all her glory.
she approached you during study hall on a random wednesday morning.
it was your junior year, and for a moment, you weren’t sure if the cheer captain got the wrong person. but then she said your name as if she had been studying it the night before to make sure it rolled off her tongue with ease. she spoke to you as if she had been practicing the courage to do so, because in all the years you’ve seen the latina, you never saw her be so shy.
all she wanted to know was what you thought of the book you were reading at the time.
“i saw you reading it in study hall last week…” she said with a dimpled smile. as she spoke, she played with the strap of her bookbag, her head tilted at you. you looked down at the book, then back at daniela with a slight smile.
“it’s good… it has a slow start, but it picks up pretty quickly after a couple of chapters…” she nods at your words, an awkward silence falling between you two. daniela looked down at her feet, and it was clear she was trying to find something else to say. you’re unsure why she wanted to waste her time in a conversation with you, but you can’t help but want the same thing.
you mark your page with a post-it note, closing it before looking at daniela with a sincere look in your eyes. “i’m almost done with it, do you wanna borrow it when I’m done?” she looked back up at you with a gleam in her eyes. daniela nodded eagerly, her smile growing wider.
“for real? you’ll let me?” she asked excitedly. you noted how she looked like a child who'd finally been given permission to do something she’d longed to do.
you nodded, extending your hand out to her. “i’m y/n.”
daniela took your hand, but she didn’t shake it– she simply held it in her own. “i know. you’re in third period with me.”
“you noticed that?” you chuckled, not realizing you hadn’t let go of her hand. she giggles and rolls her eyes as if the question you asked was ridiculous.
she looked down at your hands and smiled softly, her hold on your hand tightening. “duh. i’ve noticed you in my classes since freshman year. i always wanted to be your friend.”
“is that so?” you tilted your head with an amused look in your eyes when you saw the pink tint in her cheeks. daniela nods, her eyes still trained on your connected hands.
“yeah. i consider this a win.” she looked back at you with a hopeful look in her eyes.
you smiled– a genuine smile. “this is a win for sure.”
your first reaction is to slam the door in her face; however, daniela quickly places her hand against the door, using all her strength to keep it open. she glares at you, a slight pout on her features. “hello to you, too, i guess.” you scoff at her words, attempting to close the door once more, but she doesn’t budge, causing you to groan loudly.
“the bakery is closed on sundays,” you tell her with a bite in your tone. she doesn’t listen, though, pushing past you to step inside the kitchen. you can feel a headache coming on, but you know this time it isn’t due to your illness – it is very much due to the unwelcome company now inside the building.
daniela looks around the kitchen, strolling around the counters. you can’t help but squint at her in annoyance. “why are you here right now?”
the latina doesn’t glance in your direction as she replies, her fingers tracing the cool surface of the countertop. “just wanted to visit.”
“it’s been like, what? three years since you’ve been here?” bitterness drips from your tone. you cross your arms, keeping your distance from daniela.
she stops in front of the mixer and looks up at you with a raised brow. “that isn’t my fault, you know?”
you stare at her in silence, feeling a bit at a loss for words. you open your mouth to say something, but you start to feel the familiar burning in your arm.
it travels up to your shoulders and stops at your neck, causing you to tilt your head slightly to alleviate the pain. you close your eyes and take a deep breath, trying to mask the discomfort you feel all over your body.
daniela watches you closely. after all these years, she still knows when you’re putting on an act. “my mom said you were sick.”
her words cause you to open your eyes. you look at her before letting out a snort, pinching the bridge of your nose as you shake your head. “no fucking way…”
she frowns, a concerned look in her eyes. “is it true?” you give her an incredulous look, extending your arms out and shrugging as you give yourself a once-over.
“do i look sick to you, daniela?” a chuckle escapes your lips as you let your arms fall back to your sides. you roll your eyes, walking toward the latina, motioning for her to walk away from your station. “now that you got your answer, can you leave? i’ve got shit to do.” daniela crosses her arms, staying where she is, and it causes you to step up to her with a cold glare in your eyes. “move. daniela.”
she takes on your challenge, stepping closer to you as well. the latina looks up at you with pursed lips as she says, “my mom said that you might be dying, y/n.”
“so, what if i am?” you reply, tilting your head with a tight-lipped smile. the smile falls as you roll your eyes again, pushing her back with your shoulder. you set the mixer to its highest setting, hoping it would be able to drown out your ex’s voice.
but she continues to press despite your unwelcoming attitude, “so? i was fucking worried, and you’re acting like an asshole right now.”
“you decided to show up unannounced at my job. i’m sorry, i’m not giving you southern hospitality at its finest!” you snap at her, aggressively adding sugar to the mixing bowl.
the sharp pain in your neck grows harder to ignore, just like the latina’s stare. her eyes follow your every movement, watching you add more ingredients, her gaze burning holes into your skull as you walk to the dish rack to grab a new baking sheet. with the pain starting to make your head spin and the latina’s presence, you feel as though you’ve hit your breaking point.
“oh my god! enough!” You slam the baking sheet down onto the counter before turning around to face daniela. she stands there, her eyes wide at your sudden outburst. you point at her with a sharp look in your eyes. “why do you even care, daniela? it’s been years since we last talked!” she narrows her eyes in response to your words, stepping closer to you.
“of course i care! god forbid i still care about someone i was in love with!” she exclaims, throwing her hands up wildly. a scoff escapes your lips as you turn back around, ignoring the pang in your chest at how she used the past tense in regards to her feelings toward you.
you grab the baking sheet once again, reaching for the parchment paper, and avoiding the way she glares at you as you attempt to continue the task you were doing before she decided to grace you with her presence.
her words are tuned out as you spread the parchment paper along the metal pan and turn the mixer off. “what else was i supposed to do when my mom told me the news?!” you don’t respond; instead, you begin rolling the cookie dough in your hands, shaping it into balls to place on the baking sheet.
she continues, her tone much more aggravated than before, “i’m supposed to just ignore the person i saw an entire life with after hearing they might fucking die?!”
it all continues to fall on deaf ears, pretending daniela isn’t in the kitchen with you and that it’s just another sunday to prep for the next morning. suddenly, she turns away from you and walks toward the sink.
you glance up from your task to see that she’s washing her hands. once she dries them, she grabs a pair of gloves and walks back to your station. your eyes widen when you realize she’s about to help you with the dough, causing you to grab her wrist.
“oh, absolutely not!” your glare hardens as you try to push her away again, but the moment you move your head too fast, it feels as though it has split open.
you stumble away from daniela, letting go of her wrist to grip your head tightly. your other hand finds the countertop as you try to keep yourself from falling over. a loud groan escapes your lips as you close your eyes, forcing the tears that start to form from streaming down your face. daniela’s hand finds your shoulder, but you jump away from her touch as if she had burned you.
you shake your head furiously, raising your head to look at daniela with a distressed look in your eyes. “please, daniela. just go away.”
“i’m not leaving you like this,” she tells you firmly. she keeps her distance, not wanting to overwhelm you further, but it still feels like it's too much to bear.
you slam your palm against the countertop, the baking utensils on it clatter, and one of the bowls falls to the ground with a loud crash. daniela doesn’t flinch, just watching you intently despite your several warnings.
“i don’t want you here!” you bang your fist against the countertop again, your anger almost becoming blinding.
daniela steps away from you and takes a sharp breath, her eyes never leaving you. “i’ll be back tomorrow, whether you like it or not.”
“what the fuck is wrong with you?” you ask through gritted teeth, your hand finding the edge of the countertop to grip it tightly. daniela just shrugs and turns around to walk toward the exit.
before she leaves, she speaks quietly over her shoulder, “i don’t know what your problem is, but i’m not gonna let you push me away again. i’m here now, so don’t think another shitty text telling me it’s over is gonna work this time.” with that, she finally leaves, slamming the door behind her.
you look at the door, and the pain finally starts to subside slightly. your breaths are ragged as your eyes narrow, feeling something familiar start to fester in the pit of your stomach.
without thinking of the consequences, you angrily push the baking trays off the table. you rip your apron off your body and throw it onto the countertop before running out the back door to “take a breather.”
that next morning, you make your way down to the bakery through the cold, shivering whenever the breeze decides to pick up every so often. it’s a dreary morning in atlanta, the sprinkling from the sky making it much more unbearable.
as you tug your jacket tighter around you, you can’t help but notice how much of a ghost town the city looks during days like this. the usual bright and alive energy downtown brings always hibernates in the wintertime and is replaced with attempts to fill everyone with holiday cheer.
no cheer in your mood, however. it’s fucking cold. and there’s a 50% chance that your ex would be pestering you today.
your aggravation grows as you continue your walk, already slipping one of your hands into your pants’ pocket to grab your cigarettes. having one before walking in wouldn’t hurt, you think. but as you get closer, you notice someone standing in front of the building.
they wear a jacket so oversized that it swallows them, and the hood on their head hides their identity. you stop in your tracks, already knowing who it is without needing to see their face. as she turns around, you immediately consider leaving and calling in sick for the day.
but daniela has always been so stubborn. if you were to turn around, it wouldn’t be without a fight.
you roll your eyes, opening your box of cigarettes to pull one out. “i told you to leave me alone, daniela.” you place the stick in between your teeth before pulling out your lighter. the Latina grimaces as you light the cigarette in front of her, making a point to puff a cloud of smoke in front of her.
she crosses her arms over her chest and glares at you. “and i told you that i’d come back.” her response makes you chuckle dryly.
you take another hit, exhaling the smoke out of your lungs as you reply, “don’t you have like, pop-star shit to do right about now?”
“they know i’m taking a break for a while,” she points out, still glaring at you. you know you’ve struck a nerve within her somehow, but it doesn’t bother you in the slightest, continuing to smoke your cigarette until it reaches its end. you exhale again slowly, your eyes on her as if challenging her to do something about it.
daniela doesn’t give you a chance to react before she pulls the cigarette out from your lips, dropping it to the ground, and then stomping it out. your eyes are wide in surprise, flickering between the cigarette and her.
you’re about to ask her what her problem is, but she turns around, making her way toward the back door like she already knows the routine. and maybe she does, but you’re already too annoyed to dwell on the thought further.
“open the door before i fucking freeze to death out here!” she commands, staring you down as if you were the crazy one in this situation.
you walk up to the door and dig in your jacket pocket for the key. “i don’t have to let you inside, you know? i can just send you back home,” you spat as the door opened. she stands there for a moment, her eyebrow raised at you. she wants you to say it to her face, to tell her to go away, and to never come back.
but you step aside, allowing her to be the first one to go in. you don’t miss the way her lips curl into a smile as she walks past you to go into the building, and you ignore the way your heart beats with familiarity when you get a whiff of her perfume. it’s the same one she always wore in high school– vanilla and some sort of floral combination. the bottle was expensive, you remember that.
you know that because for your six-month anniversary, you bought her that same bottle. it took extra shifts at the bakery, and you had to mow a couple of lawns, but it was worth it when you saw how her eyes lit up.
it’s the same perfume she’s had since middle school, but when you gifted it to her, it became special. it became everything to her.
“y/n! close the fucking door! it’s getting cold again,” daniela yells, successfully snapping you back to reality. you turn your head toward the latina and realize she has already turned the lights on in the back kitchen. the door slowly closes behind you as you walk inside, your heart still loud in your chest as you come down from the memory.
you watch as she walks to the bin beside the sink, grabbing an apron for you and herself. the way she remembers the kitchen like the back of her hand still melts the annoyance you had earlier away. she throws the apron in your direction, and you catch it wordlessly, turning around to hide the flush in your cheeks.
as you tighten the apron around you, daniela begins to walk around the kitchen, as if looking for something. you accept her presence, looking down at your feet as you speak up, “he keeps the list in the walk-in now…” she stops in her tracks and looks at you in surprise. you sigh, tilting your head toward your father’s office. “he doesn’t keep it in the office anymore… i don’t know why, don’t ask.”
for the first time since seeing each other again, she smiles at you. a genuine smile that shows off the dimples in her cheeks. you look away, shaking your head as you begin to grab the equipment you will need for the morning. “we’re already off schedule. come on.” \
at some point, lia finally comes into the bakery, but by the time she’s there, daniela has helped you complete most of the prep that needed to be done before the first morning rush.
lia stands there in awe next to you as she watches daniela pull out the last batch of cookies that needed to be made out of the oven. the korean girl leans closer to you and whispers, “the daniela avanzini of katseye is doing my job…” you roll your eyes at lia, turning the mixer's speed to a higher setting to tune out the fangirl’s words. the whirring from the machine becomes louder, but so does lia as she whispers again, “like, she’s good at it.”
“she used to help out every once in a while,” you reveal, turning off the mixer once you’re satisfied with how the dough looks.
lia widens her eyes and shoves you. “are you serious? what else have you been hiding from me?” she asks in exasperation. you ignore lia and take the bowl away from the mixer to cover it with plastic wrap. but she doesn’t let the subject go, only digging further into the conversation, “like, what do you mean she helped out?”
“i just liked hanging out with y/n at the bakery,” daniela suddenly adds, inserting herself into the conversation. she glances at you for a brief moment before looking back at lia with a slight smile. “they taught me everything i know.” with the number of times you’ve rolled your eyes today, you’re surprised they haven’t fallen out of your head. you grab the mixing bowl, walking past the two girls to place it inside the walk-in freezer.
lia follows you inside against your protests. she leans against the freezer door with her arms crossed, looking at you with a furrowed brow. “so, what’s the backstory?”
you place the mixing bowl on the shelf and shake your head. “no backstory.”
lia sighs and tilts her head, still blocking the door for you to exit. “so, she’s lying?”
“i didn’t say that,” you groan, running a hand through your hair. your eyes dart around the freezer, feeling trapped by the older girl’s questions. “it’s just… the backstory is irrelevant.”
“irrelevant? i thought it was hot back there because of all the ovens that were on, but it’s actually all that,” lia waves her hands around animatedly, trying to emphasize her point, “tension that is making it hard to breathe in there.”
you press your finger to your lips, shushing the older girl. through gritted teeth, you whisper, “there is no tension.” lia smirks at you, raising an eyebrow at your defensive attitude.
she steps away from the freezer door and gestures toward it. “there’s a backstory, and I’m gonna figure it out! especially if she’s gonna be around a lot more…” you murmur a “whatever” under your breath as you brush past lia, exiting the walk-in.
you take a deep breath, looking over to one of the stations to see daniela diligently working on the next part of the to-do list. she looks up, and you feel your breath hitch when your eyes meet.
“what’s the treat of the day?” the latina asks, looking back down to continue kneading the dough. your mouth feels dry all of a sudden, and you berate yourself for becoming so speechless over daniela avanzini. it’s an effect she always had on you, and it seems evident that it’s still true to this day. you shake your head, walking quickly to the other side of the kitchen to keep your distance from the girl.
“peppermint chocolate poptarts,” you tell her, grabbing the ingredients needed for the treat.
she smiles as she sprinkles flour over the dough. “yum, i remember liking those.”
your response tumbles out of your mouth before you can stop it. lia steps back inside the kitchen to hear it, and she can’t help the grin that spreads across her face at your words. “it was your mom’s favorite. you can save her one, if you want.”
when you get home later that day, you attempt to walk past your father’s office and straight to your room, wanting to avoid any other mentions of your ex. but of course, as soon as your hand touches the handle, he comes out into the hallway. “y/n!” a sigh escapes your lips as you slowly turn to face your father. “dani-girl came to help at the bakery today?” he asks with a broad smile that exudes excitement, the nickname leaving his lips as if it were a habit.
you hold back a groan as you reply, “yeah… she insisted.” he nods at your words, still smiling as he looks down at his phone.
he straightens his glasses on his face, squinting down at the screen. “her mom texted me earlier to tell me dani was there with you!” your father looks up from his phone and sends you a warm smile, continuing, “how was it? just like old times?” you lean against your bedroom door and attempt to put on a smile, not wanting to disappoint your father. he always held a soft spot for daniela and often asked if you ever reached out to her after her debut in katseye.
and every time, your response was the same. “she has better things to do, dad. she’s just gonna leave me on read.”
you shrug at him, still saving face. “yeah, it was definitely kinda weird.” he laughs at your words, taking a step toward you to pat you on the shoulder. he keeps his hand there, squeezing it gently.
his expression softens as he replies, “maybe i’ll try to catch you guys sometime at the bakery while she’s here. it’s always nice seeing dani-girl.” he pats you on the shoulder again before walking away to go back into his office.
you wait for him to shut the door so you can allow the smile on your face to fall. before going into your own room, you feel your phone buzz against your thigh. you reach into your pocket to grab it, and immediately, you’re met with a message from daniela.
you hesitate, your thumb ghosting over her name. your father’s words linger in your mind as you decide to tap on the notification, leading you to the text thread between you and the latina. your stomach drops when you notice the messages previous to the new one you received.
they’re all from daniela– her checking in on you, her sending you birthday messages; if you scrolled back far enough, you’d find the last message you ever sent her, officially ending the relationship you two had.
a shaky breath escapes your lips as you read the new message from her. i’m coming to the bakery tomorrow at 5 AM.
you type your reply slowly, your fingers shaking slightly. yeah. that’s cool. see ya.
the next day goes the same, and then the one after that. now, it has been a week since having daniela at the bakery, and not much has changed with your attitude toward her. although not as snarky as you were before, you are not any kinder. it doesn’t deter the latina, though; if anything, it only fuels her desire to continue being in your space.
you want to say it’s annoying– frustrating, even. but you have to give the girl some credit for her continued willingness to work beside you every morning. if she had hurt you the way you hurt her, you would’ve done everything in your power to erase any trace of the girl.
a part of you reasons that’s why you let her inside the bakery every morning. perhaps you were trying to atone for your actions.
but then, you remember how you even got put into this situation with daniela, and the urge to throw her back outside comes back stronger than before.
“did you ever learn how to make a cherry pie?” you freeze at her words. you’re in the middle of cutting the bread into loaves when she asks the question, and you can’t tell if your heart stopped because of what she said or it’s because of your condition. either way, you slowly place the bread knife onto the counter before taking a glance at the latina. she’s already looking at you, a genuine curiosity in her eyes.
you open and close your mouth, unsure of how to respond. something sharp shoots up your neck, and you look back down at the counter, wanting to hide the discomfort from the latina.
“no, i never got to it.” you finally reply, quietly. daniela nods and looks away, taking the way you avoid her eyes as a sign to stop pestering you with the past.
“pies are so hard to make.”
“why?”
“my dad never taught me. he hates making the crust.”
“that’s the best part of pie!”
“he says there are too many ways to do it.”
“why not learn the easier way then?”
“we don’t sell pie at the bakery, so i guess it doesn’t really matter.”
“i really like apple pie.”
“really?”
“yeah… al a mode.”
“you’re speaking my language.”
“...”
“should i learn?”
“will you make me an apple pie?”
"what do you think?”
“apple pie on demand sounds nice.”
“that’s a lot of ingredients to use.”
“i think i’d be worth it though.”
“i think so too.”
“...”
“make a cherry pie.”
“why?”
“i don’t know, i’m craving cherries right now.”
“will you learn with me?”
“we have to do it the easiest way, though.”
“no, full send, graham cracker crust, and we pick the cherries fresh.”
“you’re on your own then, y/n.”
“god, you’re no fun.”
“...”
“will you?”
“of course, dumbass. i’d do anything if it meant with you.”
“dani,” you call out to her suddenly. she closes the oven before turning toward you, a surprised look in her eyes. the nickname rolled off your tongue without you even noticing. daniela stares at you, and for the first time since her arrival back in your hometown, you stare back with no hostility in your eyes.
for one day, maybe you want to stop fighting, call a truce to a war that’s been one-sided this entire time. the unanswered texts from your end, the letters you threw away upon receiving them. the sender stands in front of you despite your actions. for years, you were angry at her for leaving you behind.
but, it’s not her who left, is it?
“will you learn how to make one with me?” she furrows her brows at you at first, but her eyes soften in realization. a slight smile spreads across her lips, and for a brief moment, you join her.
your father looks down at the cherry pie in your hands when he arrives at the bakery later that afternoon. it’s the ugliest (and probably the most disgusting) thing you've ever made, but when he looks at you and daniela, standing side by side for the first time since she left for los angeles, you can tell it’s his favorite creation of yours.
he looks at you and points at the pie, an amused smile on his lips. “how many tries did this take?”
“five times,” daniela chimes in, a bit sheepish. you shrug your shoulders and shove the pie into his hands with a grin your father hasn’t seen in years.
“and we used all the flour,” you add carelessly. daniela laughs beside you, and it reminds you of when you were seventeen, and you were convinced you’d marry her.
your father was convinced, too. so was your mother, and even daniela’s parents were convinced.
what stopped you? no one is sure. and when you look at daniela, her dimples deep in her cheeks, her bright, toothy smile– you start to realize that maybe, you weren’t too sure either.
the latina tilts her head, squinting at you with curiosity. she’s probably wondering what was going through your head.
an apology is at the tip of your tongue. it wants to fall from your lips with little dignity you had left. but you simply smile back at her, bumping her shoulder with yours playfully. she giggles, and it brings you back to a time when she was yours, and you were someone to be proud of.
your heart aches, but it isn’t your illness. it’s the what-ifs that come back to haunt you. they tear you apart, piece by piece. amongst all those pieces, though, one still belongs to the girl in front of you. and as your father stands before you both, you know he’s thinking the same.
“how’s the pain been lately?” your doctor asks during the appointment. your leg bounces nervously as you reflect on the last few days.
“on a scale of 1-10? maybe… a five?” the doctor eyes you for a moment before looking back at the computer and typing your response.
he lets out a sigh and glances at you. “it’s always a five.” you shrug your shoulders in response, biting your lip. your doctor turns his attention back to the computer and types as he speaks, “have you cut down on your smoking?”
you look down at your hands, avoiding his eyes when he turns his head toward you once more. you take a sharp breath before you reply, “not really, no.”
“i have to be honest, y/n. if you haven’t cut back, then i can’t imagine the pain only being a five.” your mood starts to sour at his words. a slight warmth creeps up your neck as your irritation grows. the white walls of the room are too bright, and it feels as though they stare at you with judgment.
you sigh, throwing your head back as you reply, “it’s been an eight most days, sometimes it’s a 9.”
he nods at your words, appreciating your honesty for once. you hear him type at the computer, and you close your eyes, imagining you were anywhere else but here. he speaks again, his tone much more sympathetic, “have you been taking your meds as instructed?”
you keep your eyes closed as you shake your head. you whisper, “no. ot at all.” from the corner of your eye, a tear falls. it slides against your cheek, and you bite your lip, trying to keep yourself together.
your doctor walks over to you and places a hand on your shoulder. he rubs it gently as he says, “do you want to get better, y/n?” your head falls, and you close your eyes tighter, feeling your tears wanting to escape. a broken breath leaves your lips as you nod your head frantically, somewhat desperately.
“i wanna be good,” you reply, your voice wavering. “i didn’t care before, but now i do.” you wipe your eyes furiously, feeling ridiculous for crying in front of your doctor. but he remains with you, his hand still on your shoulder, providing you comfort as you continue to crumble on the treatment table. your tears begin to fall freely onto your lap as you speak again, “what if i’m too late?”
the doctor squeezes your shoulder and leans closer to you, whispering, “y/n. you’ve still got all the time in the world to get better.”
it’s as if his words are the final blow to your facade because suddenly, you reach towards him, gripping his shoulders as you allow yourself to cry.
you cry loudly, with everything to lose.
a few days pass, and you’ve fallen into a comfortable routine with daniela.
her inevitable departure terrifies you; it makes you want to run away all over again.
these quiet moments at the bakery, though, keep you planted in place. it’s as if you could pretend she never left to begin with, and this is your reality. this entire time, your life was filled with pastries and a brunette girl you couldn’t help but fall in love with the moment she spoke to you.
as you both work on the treat of the day, gingerbread truffles, daniela looks up at you for a moment, gazing at you from the corner of your eye. you feel her stare, and it causes a heat to creep up your neck slowly, reaching your cheeks in that way it used to when you were together. you try to ignore her, but it becomes difficult when it becomes a distraction.
your head turns toward her, and your heart stops when you see a twinkle in her brown hues. she smiles softly at you as if you didn’t hurt her that summer you broke things off, as if you didn’t leave her with nothing but a message. her smile tells you that she still doesn’t quite understand why you did it, but she forgives you anyway. you smile back at her, not understanding why she continues to be kind to you when all you did was push her away.
suddenly, you look away, your cheeks burning as you continue to mix the ingredients in the bowl together. you’re confident that it’s okay to set it aside, but you’re afraid that if you stop, then who knows what would happen next. “stop staring at me…” you murmur, sprinkling in another pinch of sugar for good measure.
daniela giggles and tears her eyes away from you. she continues mixing the white chocolate as instructed, a smirk on her lips as she notices the effect she is starting to have on you. “you used to love my eyes on you.” your cheeks burn even more at her words, and you have to scoff to play it off. the latina nudges you teasingly, her smirk remaining. “maybe you still do.”
“you wish…” you reply, your voice betraying you when it cracks under the weight of her comment. the latina giggles again and sets aside her bowl, reaching over to grab yours from your hands. you narrow your eyes at her, frowning at the way she took your job from you. she simply shrugs, turning around to take the bowl to the walk-in.
she shouts over her shoulder before walking inside, “someone has to get these done before we open!” you watch as she disappears into the walk-in, and you try to fight back the smile that wants to form when you realize she said “we.” you walk away from the counter to go into your father’s office. once inside, you grab your water bottle and reach into your pocket for your pill bottle.
three tablets as instructed, to help with the pain and to improve neuro functioning– whatever the hell that means. you take them anyway, taking a sip of water right after. you place your water bottle back onto your father’s desk and turn around, jumping back slightly when you see daniela at the doorway.
“jesus christ! you fucking scared–”
“my mom and dad want you to come for dinner tomorrow night, you in?” she says it to you as if you have no other option. the thought of seeing Daniela’s parents again makes your stomach churn– especially her father, whom you made a promise to that you wouldn’t hurt his little girl.
you’re surprised, with everything that occurred, that there hasn’t been a bounty on your head. daniela must have noticed the slight distress on your face, because she steps toward you and gently grabs your wrist. “they want to see you again… i promise, they aren’t gonna rip your head off, or anything.”
you frown at her, murmuring, “your dad might murder me.”
she rolls her eyes, tugging at your arm. “he’ll be pretty upset. but, i think they’re both still under the impression that you’re on your deathbed.”
“good, let’s keep it that way,” you tell her, chuckling slightly. daniela beams at you, her other arm reaching out to grab your other wrist. she bounces up to you with an excited grin on her face, causing you to widen your eyes when you notice how much closer she has gotten to you. when she notices your expression, she immediately lets go, stepping back shyly.
“sorry, i got a little… crazy there,” she murmurs, looking away briefly. you look at daniela, your heart racing as you remember the day you met her all over again. you always loved the latina’s usually fiery and confident demeanor, but with you, she was soft, as if safe in your presence, letting down her guard.
you wonder whether you're still her safe space.
the question lingers in the back of your mind as you run a hand through your hair, clearing your throat. you gesture at the kitchen and chuckle awkwardly. “yeah… i’ll be there. let’s, you know, get back to work.”
she looks back at you and nods, smiling before turning away to walk out of the office. you turn around to take another sip from your water bottle before following her out.
being at daniela’s house again makes you nostalgic. her mother greeted you warmly, and her father shook your hand with a grip so tight you almost thought he would break it. you couldn’t blame him if he did– you did break his daughter’s heart.
but during dinner, it felt like nothing had changed. daniela’s mother asked you questions about your life, including whether you planned to own the bakery one day. she reminisced about the days when you and daniela were in high school, telling you how happy she was to see a new face, one who wasn’t daniela’s cheer friends or the random boyfriends she brought home.
the entire time, daniela’s cheeks were pink in embarrassment as you laughed at every word her mother said. you ignored the way her father stared you down silently, as if observing your intentions with his daughter all over again.
once dinner was over, you found yourself sitting in front of the lake silently behind her house, your legs pulled up to your chest as you stared at the water gently lapping against each other. daniela sat next to you, your shoulders inches apart.
“my mom is so happy you aren’t actually dying,” daniela shares through a giggle. her words make you smile; the thought of her mother still caring about you, despite the bitter end between you and her daughter, allows you to feel relieved.
you nod, keeping your eyes on the water. “no death anytime soon, i swear. my mom is just… dramatic…” daniela laughs and bumps your shoulder with hers. you bite your lip to suppress your smile, not wanting to show how much you’re enjoying being around the latina again.
she looks at you, grinning widely. “god, i love your mom… she’s kinda crazy.” that makes you laugh loudly, your head thrown back. the tension you felt earlier in your shoulders starts to fade away as you continue talking to daniela, falling into a comfort level you haven’t felt in years.
you don’t feel bitter when she talks about los angeles and her members from katseye. instead of tuning her out, you finally listen when she shares her experiences so far and what she's been through.
suddenly, she changes the conversation, her head turning back toward the lake. “we had our first kiss here.”
for some reason, her words cause you to laugh, your head thrown back as the memory comes back to you. you shake your head as you stare up at the stars above. “oh my god, don’t bring that up, please.”
she bumps her shoulder against yours again, staring up at you with an amused look in her eyes. “why? it wasn’t that embarrassing…”
“dani, i literally fell onto you in the water. i didn’t even mean to kiss you,” you scoffed, still looking up at the stars.
she scoots closer to you, your shoulders finally touching. her eyes remain on you as she teases, “did you mean to kiss me right after that one, then?”
your cheeks burn as the memory continues to play in your head. it was the summer right before your senior year, and she convinced you to go on a late-night swim. you intended to pick her up and throw her back into the water, but as you tried to catch her, you slipped and fell, with your lips crashing against hers clumsily.
when you pulled away, you were afraid you ruined everything. but her dimpled smile shone brightly despite the darkness that shrouded you both. her arms were wrapped around your neck, and you remember the feeling of her fingers playing with your hair.
you kissed her again. and again. and again until you needed to catch your breath.
you turn your attention back to the latina with a slight smile on your lips. your heart races as the memory replays in your mind over and over again. “i had to make up for the sucky one, you know?”
it’s her turn to scoff, swatting your shoulder playfully. “it was perfect no matter what.”
a silence falls between you two. you continue to stare at each other, unsure of who should speak first.
daniela tilts her head as she ends the silence, “so, you’re not gonna die… but, if you don’t take care of yourself, there’s a chance you would?” the way her voice wavers a bit causes you to glance at the latina.
you remain silent, gazing at the water again. she speaks again, her voice shakier than before, “you’re still the person i wanna tell everything to, you know?” she continues to look at you with glossy eyes. “you’re still the person i wanna run to at the end of the day.”
“why?” you ask quickly, your brows furrowed as you look back at daniela. you’re hyperaware of how close you two are, with your hands only inches apart. your pinky reaches out to her, but you retract it, not wanting to ruin the moment.
she shrugs and takes a deep breath, an airy chuckle escaping her lips. “i don’t know… i think a part of me will always want to be yours.”
her words linger for a moment. you gaze at daniela, and even though the years have flown by, it’s still daniela avanzini. not from katseye, but the daniela avanzini from the cheer team. daniela avanzini, the homecoming queen.
she’s daniela avanzini, and she loved you with her head held high and danced around in the kitchen with you late at night because it just made sense. daniela avanzini took you to prom despite her friends' protests back then and spoke highly of you while she was away at dream academy.
daniela avanzini hopped on the first plane back to georgia because she thought you were dying. daniela avanzini did that even though you broke her heart into a million pieces because you were scared of what the end would look like.
“watching you leave was the hardest thing i've ever done.” you confess.
she grabs your hand– proving once again she’s much braver than you ever could be. “you know i had to.”
“i know.” you squeeze her hand, holding her gaze. “i know. i’m sorry.”
daniela looks down at your connected hands. her thumb caresses your skin gently as she whispers, “i was gonna come back.” she tugs at your hand and lets out a shaky breath. “i always intended to come back to you.”
tears threaten to fall from your eyes at her words. you stare at her, tilting your head, hoping she’d notice the regret in your expression. “i just didn’t think it was on your priority list at the time.”
she looks up at you with glossy eyes. “i have to go back next week,” she suddenly tells you. her eyes dare you to run, to make an excuse to leave because of what she said.
but you only nod, not letting go of her hand. you silently plead for a second chance, for a new start, maybe to even dance around the kitchen one last time.
the week daniela has to leave, she can’t come to the bakery. she told you she had to make her rounds of saying goodbye to friends and other family members, so she’d be busy until the day she gets on the plane to go back to los angeles– back to her life, her reality.
it breaks your heart, not because she’s leaving, but because there are still things left unsaid.
you aren’t sure if this was goodbye or a way for you to pick up the pieces.
as you ruminate over the conversation you had with daniela the night before, you continue rolling out the gingerbread dough for the treat of the day, avoiding lia’s evident smirk as you murmur, “i don’t know why you keep staring at me like that.”
she rolls her eyes and snatches the rolling pin out of your hands. you look up at her in exasperation, reaching out to grab it back from her, but she pulls it away from you, her brow raised in amusement.
“you already miss her…” she says it in a sing-song tone that makes your brows furrow in irritation. you manage to snatch the rolling pin back, rolling your eyes as you toss it into the sink on your way to the barista station.
lia watches you curiously but quirks a smile when she realizes. “you’re making another coffee instead of, “taking a breather.”" you don’t see it, but she puts the last few words in air quotes, and a wide grin spreads across her face.
you send lia a glare, turning on the espresso machine with a loud click. “i just don’t feel like going outside. it’s cold,” you deadpan, but lia tilts her head and places a hand on her hip, that knowing smirk on her lips signaling to you that you’ve been caught trying to be better.
“don’t make this more difficult than it already is, alright?” you sigh in an exasperated tone. lia nods, going back to cutting shapes out of the dough.
a slight smirk remains as she continues to speak, “you’ve been taking your meds too.” you narrow your eyes at the older girl, grabbing the espresso once it’s done pouring your shot.
“why are you all up in my business all of a sudden?” you groan, grabbing a coffee cup from the shelf. you pour the espresso into the cup before crouching to open the fridge below the station.
as you reach for the oat milk, lia replies, “if you start being bad again, i guess i’ll just have to call daniela for assistance.” you scoff, standing back up to pour the milk into the cup.
“please do not waste her time like that,” you tell her, a bit disgruntled as your eyes skim over your options for flavor.
lia pauses her task and looks at you, her amused expression softening slightly. “your dad told me you guys were high school sweethearts…”
you take a sharp breath in response, leaning against the counter of the barista station as you take a sip from your coffee. “something like that, yeah.”
“have you… been thinking about getting back together?” you look down at your coffee cup and shrug, contemplating your response. lia continues speaking as she cuts out more shapes from the dough. “also, why did you break up with her, anyway?”
you swirl your coffee around, watching it mix as you reply quietly, “she was following her dreams… i didn’t think i could be a part of it.”
“did you even try, though?” lia replies, placing the shapes onto another tray lined with parchment paper. you continue to stare at your coffee cup; the urge to go outside becomes unbearable, but you fight it, taking another sip.
you place the coffee cup down onto the counter and glance at lia with a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “i should have.”
you watch as lia places the trays of gingerbread into the oven. she closes it and starts a timer. once she’s done, she walks over to you and grabs your coffee cup from the counter to take a sip. you glare at her as she shoves the cup back into your hands.
“she’s here now, though,” she says simply, looking up at you with a teasing look in her eyes. your glare hardens, but after more thought, it softens.
you take another sip of your coffee, place it on the counter, and check your watch for the time. you’ve successfully avoided taking a break outside. the realization makes you bite your lip, leaving lia at the barista station to wash your hands.
as you walk to the sinks, you reply over your shoulder, “not for long.”
despite how painful it was to get up that morning, you still managed to make it to the airport in time to say goodbye to daniela.
her parents stand off to the side, allowing you both to have a moment to exchange goodbyes.
you start to get a sense of déjà vu as you look at daniela with her luggage in hand. it brings you back to a time when you felt as though everything was falling apart. she spoke dreamily of the opportunities los angeles offered her, and you tuned them all out, wanting to avoid the inevitable. watching her walk away felt too real, too much for you at the time.
and now, here you are, doing it all over again.
“this was a fun trip, you know, even though i thought you were like, dying.” a chuckle escapes your lips as you shake your head in disbelief.
“i still can’t believe you did that…” you admit, rubbing the back of your neck awkwardly. there’s a slight pain in your arms, but you ignore it, not wanting daniela to worry as she makes her journey back to her home.
she checks her watch and frowns, looking at the security gate. she has to go now.
“of course i did… i care a lot about you, you know? even if… you know…” you nod, giving her a slight smile.
you gesture toward the gate, avoiding her eyes. “well… i’ll still be at the bakery,” you tell her. it’s a simple statement, but underneath it is an invitation. it’s a silent way of telling her that she’s welcomed back, if she ever wants to come back, and you’d be there with open arms.
daniela looks up at you, her eyes full of hope. suddenly, she lets go of her bags, throwing her arms around your neck. she hugs you tightly and rests her head against your chest. you stand there in shock, your brain not fully processing that she’s in your arms once again. but once it registers, you wrap your arms around her torso, pulling her closer.
“i love you,” she whispers against your chest. her arms tighten around you as she nuzzles deeper into you. “i think i’ll always love you.”
you close your eyes and rest your chin on top of her head, tears streaming down your face as you whisper back, “thank you for learning how to make a pie with me.”
those three words feel stuck in your throat. but what you said instead is the closest way to do it.
two days later, you’re not at the bakery at 4:30 AM.
when lia comes in, she tries calling you, but you don’t answer.
there’s no treat of the day.
by the time the morning rush ends, your father finds you on your bedroom floor.
unresponsive, not moving. cold to the touch.
on your nightstand is a handwritten apple pie recipe.
you never got to finish it, though.
there was something about the smell of a hospital that never quite bothered you.
it became almost comforting, because every time you wake up after a fall, the strong scent of sterile equipment and recently washed hospital blankets fills your senses, and you realize: you’re still alive.
this time around, though, the sweet scent of vanilla and lavender is the first thing you can smell, and for a moment you panic, wondering if you’re still stuck in a dream.
but as you slowly open your eyes, the weight of daniela’s head resting on your arm becomes more real. you groggily glance over at her, blinking a few times to get a clearer picture. she sits in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs and leans over the bed just to sleep soundly against you.
you can’t see her face, but the way her shoulders rise and fall with every slow breath she takes tells you she has fallen asleep at some point. you’re not sure how long it’s been since you collapsed in your room, and you aren’t sure when she came running to your side again, but as you look at daniela, it starts to dawn on you.
everyone who knows about your disease often tells you over and over again how brave you are. they always send you kind messages about how you’ll overcome this, how you’ll live a good and fulfilling life.
but you’ve been afraid your entire life, even before your diagnosis.
your arm that isn’t connected to a machine lifts itself from the bed. you reach out to daniela, placing your hand on top of her head as you’ve done so many times before. she slowly stirs, and for a split second, you consider retracting your hand and pretending nothing happened, but for the first time in so long, you feel brave.
daniela turns her head toward you, smiling tiredly. her hair is a bit of a mess, and it looks as though she hasn’t slept well in days, but to you, she is still the most beautiful person you’ve ever met.
daniela closes her eyes again, a smile still on her lips as she whispers, “good morning.”
you’re awake, you’re here, and you’re here to stay.
you play with her curls as you whisper back, “i love you.”
you lean against your station, heaving tiredly as you use your apron to wipe the sweat off your forehead for the nth time that morning.
lia leans against the counter that’s across from you and glares, fanning herself with her hand. “you said you’d fix that damn fan…” you groan, throwing your head back dramatically.
“i know… stop reminding me!” before lia could express another complaint, she’s cut off by the sound of the entrance doorbell ringing. she groans, gesturing for you to take the customer who just walked inside. you roll your eyes, wiping away the rest of the sweat on your face as you walk to the front of the bakery.
as you get to the front, you stop in your tracks when you see her. and she’s accompanied by five other girls.
they all smile at you, but your eyes focus on daniela. she gives you her dimpled smile, her eyes twinkling with happiness and excitement.
“i told you i’d stop by!” she tells you, giggling softly at your slightly surprised expression. a smile finds its way onto your lips as you hold her gaze and nod.
you walk up to the counter and reach out to hold her hand. “i didn’t doubt you for a second.”
for the treat of the day, it's cherry pie with a graham cracker crust. you made sure to let her and everyone else know that it can be done à la mode.
“are the cherries picked fresh?”
“yeah, i made sure to pick the good-looking ones at the grocery store.”
“you’re so stupid.”
an: first reupload on this acc and oh my god... yall... lowk cried while editing this one ngl LMAO! a little too much for me rn! but do yall ever re-read a fic u wrote after not touching it for so long and ur like damn. i kinda ate. that's how i feel with this one <3 anyway, i hope u all enjoyed and felt all the feelings again. if this one is new to u then i hope it's everything u could have ever wanted n more when it comes to angst w a happy ending lol :) i don't make a lot of those so.... - rylee
it’s one of those things you’ve always had a hard time with. when it came to communication, it also meant jumping the hurdle known as confrontation, and that concept you avoid at all costs.
the last time you had to confront someone, you were consumed by your emotions, an intense feeling of betrayal that you just couldn’t shake away. it led to you leaving behind the one person who knew you like the back of her hand.
it was a moment that made you crawl away from the world for a while, wanting it to swallow you whole for the entirety of the winter break that followed. fortunately for you, though, there was one thing– more specifically, one person, who kept you grounded that entire time.
it was none other than your endearing yet somewhat annoying roommate, megan skiendiel.
on the days you wanted to stay in bed forever, she made sure to make her presence known despite being a thousand miles away. you often groaned at the incessant way your phone rang during that break, wanting to ignore it, but deep down knew it would be impossible. it was megan, for god’s sake.
if you were to ask her what the definition of boundaries was, she’d most likely feign cluelessness and blame it on her dyslexia (which, for the record, had nothing to do with anything).
but you couldn’t ignore how the impromptu phone calls and spam messages were somewhat successful in stopping you from crashing out every day. they often painted a smile on your face despite how much it hurt to do so.
every time you thought about the latina and what she did to you, megan was always one phone call away. the chinese girl wove herself so intricately into your life that it was an easy decision to make when she asked if you would like to move into an apartment together.
once winter break ended, the new semester started, and your patience was wearing thin with the school year. as you walked back into your dorm room after a month of being away, it dawned on you that you had to endure yet another semester of your own personal hell, in other words: nursing school. before you could have dwelled on it further, however, megan, in all her glory, burst through the door.
her luggage was long forgotten by the doorway as she ran up to you, jumping into your arms. you caught her easily, as if you had done it a million times before. her loud giggles in your ear, the squeals of excitement, the way she looked at you as if it had been years since your last encounter– those were all considered when you said yes to her proposal later that semester.
that’s how you now find yourself getting deja vu as you set the last of the boxes from your car down onto the floor of your new room. you look around the empty space, feeling a wave of excitement wash over your body as you think about the possibility of a new start, a new year to begin anew. for the first time since that day with daniela, you feel optimistic about what the new semester could hold.
you walk around for a moment, taking mental notes of where things should go on the walls. the room already had a bed, a desk, and a nightstand – all ready for you to claim. as you walk closer to the bed, you notice an orange, square post-it note stuck on the wall above it. a small smile spreads across your lips in knowing, only growing wider when you see the familiar handwriting on it.
megan let you know before you arrived that she’d be out for a few hours, needing to get last-minute necessities for the apartment you two now share. you take the sticky note off the wall and bring it closer to your eyes to read. a soft chuckle escapes your lips at its contents, placing it down onto your nightstand that sits next to your bed with a shake of your head.
“sorry i couldn’t greet you, i got the wrong size sheets for my bed ):
excited to live with you again!
-meiyokie.”
these post-it notes are a new routine for your roommate dynamic.
you’ve started to find more of these notes in the apartment, and it has only been a week so far.
with your sophomore year fastly approaching, you’ve begun to feel more nervous, checking your school schedule repeatedly to make sure everything is still going according to plan. you feel megan watching you from the other side of the couch, her legs stretched out onto your lap while your laptop sits atop them.
you and your roommate opted for a cozy night in the apartment, the living room illuminated dimly by the twinkle lights you and megan decided to hold onto after moving out of the dorms.
there isn’t much to the apartment, and most of the decorating was done by megan, but it felt like home. the walls hold pictures of you, megan, and the various other friends you and the girl met last year.
you narrow your eyes at the screen through your glasses, mumbling curses under your breath as you voice your thoughts out loud.
“you keep stressing yourself out.” you hear megan say in a matter-of-fact tone. her words cause you to groan, throwing your head back against the couch.
“because i am stressed. i’m always stressed.” you say while pinching the bridge of your nose in irritation.
from the corner of your eyes, you see your roommate smile softly. she reaches over to tug at the sleeve of your hoodie. “yeah, but you have three more days until classes start. take a night to chill out with me,” she frowns and tugs at your sleeve even harder, demanding your attention.
“you promised we’d finish that chapter of ‘it takes two.’” you sigh at her words, glancing at her with a small smile. there’s a pounding in your chest that feels familiar, but you try to ignore it, not wanting to put yourself in more distress than you already are.
for a moment, you stare at each other, holding each other’s gaze. her hand still holds onto your sleeve, and as much as you want to make a comment on the intense staring contest you’re both apparently engaged in, you’re too preoccupied with the confusing urge to lace your fingers with hers.
it’s confusing because you’ve never had to give it a second thought before, just doing it. after all, it was normal, and it was only megan.
and megan stares at you in a way that makes your throat go dry. her newly dyed pink bangs slightly curtain her brown hues, and you have to force yourself to look away, suddenly becoming overwhelmed by how cute your roommate looks underneath the low lighting.
you shut your computer, leaning forward to place it on the coffee table before getting up from the couch. “fine, set it up while i go fill up my water bottle.”
she murmurs a ‘fuck yeah,’ under her breath, causing you to roll your eyes, an amused smile on your lips as you grab your water bottle off the floor. you pad toward the kitchen and let a yawn escape your lips. the sound of megan’s switch turning on fills the silence in the room as you walk to the fridge, stopping in your tracks when you find a new orange post-it note on the door.
“can you buy milk tomorrow?
-meiyokie”
you look over your shoulder at your roommate, quirking an eyebrow at the girl. she pays you no attention as she continues her task of starting up the game. you find it silly when the post-it notes have requests that could have been a text message, but then again, you always humor megan’s antics and unexplainable actions.
you look away from the girl, placing your water bottle on the counter before opening one of the drawers next to you to find a pen.
for a moment, you ponder a reply, going over your schedule for tomorrow in your head.
you take one more glance at megan to make sure she isn’t looking, smirking to yourself as you turn around to write your message back onto the note.
“no.
-y/n”
the next morning, you decide your first stop will be the grocery store.
after the first day of classes, you walk through the front door, and megan immediately springs from the couch, running toward you with open arms.
you stumble back a bit, catching her in your arms. you’re usually able to set your bag down first before she greets you at the door, but megan’s puppy-like personality shines as she holds you tightly. you let out a tired laugh, ignoring how your cheeks burn at the way she seems so excited to see you despite always being in each other’s presence 24/7.
exhaustion from classes catches up to your body, but as you hold onto your roommate, you allow yourself to melt in the embrace, her perfume filling your senses when you bury your face into the crook of her neck.
“classes went well?” megan asks, and you hum in response, feeling slight disappointment when she pushes you away slightly to get a better look at you. she tilts her head, and you realize she’s still waiting for your reply. a heat creeps up your neck as you clear your throat, letting go of the girl so you can finally set your stuff down.
you walk to your room, and as expected, megan follows right behind you. you walk inside and set your stuff down by your desk. “yeah, it went better than i thought.” you reply, plopping down into your desk chair. megan walks over to your bed and sits down, pulling her legs up to sit criss-cross.
your eyes focus on the way she begins to play with the ends of her hair. “you think it’ll go better than last year?” she eyes you curiously as you lean your head back comfortably against the chair, a sigh of relief escaping your lips.
“i don’t have classes with you know who this semester, so i’d like to think so.” a mental image of daniela crosses your mind briefly, and you grimace, suddenly gripping the hem of your sweater as the events of last year come to mind. “it’s already feeling like a 10/10.”
megan giggles at your words and flops onto her back on your bed. she spreads her arms out and looks up at the ceiling, letting out a loud sigh. “that’s good to hear. i don’t know how much more weeping i can handle from you.” you glare at your roommate and scoff.
“i was not weeping,” you claim, rolling your eyes. megan turns her head toward you and squints, a slight smile on her lips.
“is that what you want to believe?” she shoots back, laughing loudly when you get from the desk chair to walk over to the girl. megan suddenly curls up into a fetal position, squealing when you begin to swat at her shoulder. “y/n! stop!”
you jab a finger into her side, still glaring. she squeals in response and tries to cower further away from you. “are you gonna take back what you said?”
megan glances up at you and sticks her tongue out, quickly hiding her face again to avoid your attacks. “why would i? it’s true.” her words are muffled due to her face being pressed against your mattress. you stare at her for a moment before pushing her slightly, turning around to walk out of your room in defeat. as you leave, you hear megan shout, “gotcha, stupid!”
she squeals again when you run back inside the room, jumping on top of her with all your weight.
two weeks go by in the blink of an eye, and you’re starting to become somewhat suspicious of how smoothly everything was going for you.
it was almost too good to be true.
you sit on the floor of the dance practice room, your back against the wall as you scroll through your phone mindlessly, waiting for megan to be done with practicing her routine. light chuckles leave your lips every so often at the sound of your roommate and lara bickering about the choreography.
they have been at this for three hours now – you're only getting to witness the peak of it since arriving in the room 30 minutes ago. you decided to join them since there was nothing else to do after finishing class for the day, and if you were being honest, going home and not seeing megan wasn’t an ideal alternative.
and the one thing you dislike about this semester so far is the fact that megan never seems to be home.
last year, she was always there to greet you. she would either be sitting on her bed, playing a video game, or at her desk, attempting to study for an exam she had coming up (in actuality, though, she was just waiting for you to come home, so she could have an excuse to stop).
this semester, however, megan is much busier in comparison. you’re proud of the girl for earning a spot on the college’s dance team, but you were starting to miss the small moments you two would share in between your packed schedule.
you’re starting to notice how quiet the space can become without megan’s presence. it was almost annoying how alone you felt without the girl barging into your room every five seconds. loneliness never used to bother you– the quiet was something you always preferred.
but after living with megan for a whole year, it seems you’ve grown accustomed to at least hearing a low hum in the distance. but the little notes she would leave you all over the apartment make it a bit more bearable.
a smile etches itself onto your face as you remember the one she left you this morning. it was a simple knock-knock joke, and if you were being honest, you still don’t quite understand the punchline. but you laughed anyway, a laugh that hurt your ribs and took your breath away. you don’t admit it, but it’s a laugh reserved for megan and only her.
once the music starts again, you look up from your phone, placing it down onto the floor before pulling your legs up to your chest. you rest your chin on top of your knees and hug them tightly, your eyes following megan’s sharp movements.
the chinese girl is a completely different person when she’s dancing, and it captures your attention in every way. her alluring expressions through the wide mirror, the sway of her hips, the sheen of sweat on her skin that glistens beneath the bright, fluorescent lighting – it all takes your breath away.
you have to tear your eyes away from your roommate, the heat in your cheeks becoming too unbearable.
your eyes begin to find the floor much more interesting to look at, keeping them trained there until the end of the song. when you look up again, megan is smiling excitedly at lara, jumping up and down while squealing about how well that run-through was.
you stare at her, hugging your knees tighter in hopes that it would be enough to calm the beating in your chest. in your head, you shuffle through the different dad jokes you know, planning to leave her one in hopes it would get her to smile even more.
it doesn’t surprise you that the library becomes a second home for you a month into the semester.
you trudge into the building with no motivation left for the day. you follow behind yunjin and chaewon; the nursing friends you made last semester. they’re in the year above you and are nothing like their cohort, who always seem to be the center of the nursing program’s latest gossip.
it’s the bare minimum, but you’ve come to find out that they’re genuinely nice individuals to be around.
as you all sit down at a table, you continue to tune out their bickering, not interested in their heated discussion about what xyz did last night with abc’s ex. you begin to unpack your belongings even though you can feel your eyes drooping slightly. there was no time to rest, however, because according to your schedule, you have a lot more on your plate than you realized.
you think it’s a miracle you managed to not only survive your first year in nursing school, but also pass the entire year with good marks. if there was one good thing that came out of your fallout with daniela, it had to be the motivation it gave you to be better.
not to be better than her, but to show yourself that you can continue in the same program without her by your side. but now, it’s your sophomore year, and from what yunjin and chaewon described to you, it’s the most important.
“it’s the year where they start weeding out all the stupid people–” chaewon told you on the walk to the library. your eyes widened at her words, but she ignored you, continuing the sentiment, “everyone is competing for a spot in the upper division program– only like, 200 people from the cohort get in.”
the older girl’s words stick with you. it runs marathons in your head as you unknowingly begin to space out at the table, your eyes glued to your nursing textbook that sits in front of you.
yunjin notices your silence and looks over at you. she sighs at the distant look on your face, nudging chaewon with furrowed brows. “you scared them.” her words snap you out of your trance, looking up at the two girls with wide eyes.
chaewon shrugs and crosses her arms, looking between you and yunjin. “i was being honest! if you wanna do well, then you have to understand how hard it’s gonna be!” your shoulders slump at her bluntness, a slight frown on your lips.
“are you serious that only 200 people get into upper division? i mean that’s– half the fucking program.”
yunjin opens her mouth to respond, but chaewon quickly speaks, “only 200, and i’ve heard that more people end up dropping out during our year because of how hard–” she’s cut off by yunjin swatting her shoulder, her eyes narrowed in warning. chaewon rubs her shoulder and begins to bicker with the other girl again, leaving you with your thoughts.
you bite your lip, the stress of classes feeling heavier on your shoulders. your hands find the sleeves of your hoodie, and you grip them tightly, desperate for some sort of comfort. as the two continue arguing, you decide to get to work, not wanting to waste another second of your time.
you shake your head, letting go of your sleeves before reaching over to slide your laptop closer to you. when you open it, you’re met with a blue post-it note stuck to the screen, and the sight of it makes you forget chaewon’s words for a moment.
a slight smile fights its way onto your lips as you read the words scrawled onto it. you can tell megan was in a rush to write it based on how it was written– letters closer together and some words a bit illegible to read, but nonetheless, you understand every bit of it as if it were a language only you and your roommate could speak.
“kick some nursing school ass today! no practice tonight so we can hang out :)
let me know when you’re leaving the library, i’ll order pizza or sumn…..
-meiyokie”
even as much of a pain in the ass nursing school is starting to become, you still manage to find the time to play games with megan. but as you watch your character on the screen die after a long and enduring battle, you’re starting to wish you and her could have been doing anything else.
megan screams loudly at the screen, tossing her controller onto the other side of the couch before throwing herself dramatically into your lap. you calmly place your controller down before slapping your roommate’s arm, looking down at her with narrowed eyes. “megan! i told you to stop screaming every time we lose.”
“well, i told you we should’ve dropped at the floodgates!” she whines while kicking her legs like a child. you look away from the girl and over your shoulder to glance at lara, who looks at you both in amusement from the loveseat.
the indian girl shrugs her shoulders and giggles softly at her best friend’s poor sportsmanship. “i don’t know, y/n… i don’t know what the fuck that means, but yeah, you guys should have dropped at the floodgates or whatever she said…”
you scoff at her words while megan gets up from your lap suddenly. your head snaps toward her, and you can’t help the weird feeling you get when you take in the sight of her in your hoodie, so oversized that it swallows your roommate.
she sits on her knees and points at you, proclaiming that she’s “always right.” megan continues to babble nonsense about the match, but you continue to stare at her with quiet admiration.
the glasses on her face slightly askew, her bangs in disarray due to all the moving she had been doing the last few minutes, the way she continues to list all the ways you both went wrong in the game but a wide smile still appears on her lips, the whiskers on her face deepening with every word she says.
no other thoughts come to mind when you look at megan, and it’s been that way for a while. you can’t pinpoint when it started, and you aren’t quite sure what the name is for that feeling you get every time she looks back at you, but you do know that it is a major inconvenience.
your roommate suddenly grabs you by the shoulders, shaking you frantically out of your thoughts. the look you give her resembles annoyance, ignoring the fluttering in your chest when she leans in closer to your face.
“y/n! my brother in christ, are you even listening to me?” she exclaims with a pout on her lips. you stare at her with wide eyes, suddenly feeling at a loss for words. your brain short-circuits when your eyes flicker to her lips, and you can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on inside your head.
instead of responding like a normal human being, you reach up to her face, straightening out her glasses. “they were a bit crooked… sorry…” you murmur the last part, pulling back your arm quickly whilst avoiding her eyes, not wanting to reveal the pink on your cheeks.
megan’s giggle rings in your ear, and you feel the couch shift slightly. when you look back, your roommate is off the couch and is suddenly running down the hall, yelling, “i have to pee so bad! i’ll be back!”
you let out a breath you didn’t even realize you were holding, feeling more relaxed now that megan was no longer in your space. the feeling she left you with still lingers, but you continue to push it down, scolding it for being so stubborn.
once the sound of the bathroom door closing is heard, lara immediately turns to you with a sly smile on her face. her brow is raised in a way that makes you mentally prepare yourself for whatever she’s about to tell you. “just so you know, when i went in the bathroom earlier…” the indian girl starts, leaning back against the loveseat with her arms crossed. “i took my time reading all those little post-it notes on the mirror…”
there’s something accusatory about lara’s tone that makes you feel more embarrassed than before. you try to keep your composure by clearing your throat, your hands gripping your knees tightly. “oh yeah… it’s like, our thing now… i guess.” the way lara smirks tells you that you’ve failed at being nonchalant– then again, why was there a need to be? you weren’t lying; it was something you and megan did.
and it happens to be something that you enjoy more than anything else in the world, and that fact in itself makes you more desperate to play into the act you’re trying to portray.
“your thing, huh?” lara’s voice is full of teasing, and it makes you want to throw yourself off the balcony.
you look away and scoff. “don’t start with me, lara.”
but the other girl doesn’t let up, she continues her point even though you’re trying to tune her out, “so, did you have a good day, y/n? looks like megan really hoped you did…”
you groan at her words, turning back to the girl with narrowed eyes and crossed arms. “lara! shut up!” she only laughs, her hands raised in defense at the glare you throw in her direction. you allow her to continue laughing, a deadpan expression on your face when it starts to feel more ridiculous by the second.
when the laughter finally subsides, she shifts comfortably into the loveseat, just staring at you with a knowing look. after another minute of silence, you start to feel frustrated by her look, groaning, “what, man?!”
“don’t, “what,” me. you know exactly what i’m thinking.” she continues to stare at you with that look, as if allowing you to hear her thoughts. but you refuse to hear her out, leaning back against the couch with your head bowed down to your lap.
you stare at your hands that continue to grip your knees as you whisper, “i don’t know what you’re thinking.” lara hums in response. the sound of the bathroom door opening again causes your heart to beat rapidly once more, and before megan enters the room again, you hear lara whisper to you.
“if you like her, just say something, pussy.”
you walk out of your room the next morning, still feeling quite distressed over your conversation with lara from the night before. your intentions for the day are to clear your head, maybe regain some sort of clarity over the situation.
but you widen your eyes when you find the girl that has been plaguing your thoughts sprawled out on the couch, glasses on her face, with her mouth slightly agape.
her quiet snores cause a slight smile to grace your lips. you look at the front door, then back at megan, your heart beating louder as the seconds tick by. your legs move on their own as you tiptoe closer to your roommate, not wanting to disturb her.
you slowly pick up the laptop that’s surprisingly still lying on her stomach despite her odd position on the couch. you close it, placing it on the coffee table before leaning down to take the glasses off her face.
you’re successful in not waking megan, and in the corner of your eye, you spot a stack of blue post-it notes sitting on the table. you set her glasses down on top of her laptop, grabbing the first pencil you see and taking the post-it notes to write her a message before departing from the apartment without a trace.
“you’re really pretty. that’s all.
-y/n.”
you stick the note onto her laptop. your eyes fall on your roommate again, and you swear your heart could beat out of your chest any minute now.
you’re falling in love with megan skiendiel. that much is obvious.
days are harder than others most of the time.
as another month passes, there hasn’t been a day when you aren’t consuming an energy drink or two to keep yourself awake enough to continue studying. the stress of competing for a spot in upper division is starting to become more present within your cohort, and that feeling you had at the beginning of your freshman year begins to resurface.
the ‘every man for themself’ attitude comes back tenfold, and the pressure feels more suffocating every time you walk into the nursing building. even yunjin and chaewon have commented on it, telling you how glad they were to be done with those days. the homework is never-ending, and the exams happen back-to-back with no chance for you to take a single breath.
and on top of that, you also have your feelings for megan to deal with, and that’s a situation in its own league.
when you finally arrive back at your apartment after another long day, you open the door and step inside with a huff. the frustration you’ve felt since your first class (which was at 8:30 am) is finally ready to be released as you slam the door shut behind you.
you thank god megan isn’t home to witness the inevitable crash out because, if you were being honest, you’re at your limit. you rip your bookbag off your back, intending to throw it across the room, but from the corner of your eye, you spot an orange blob staring at you.
why is it staring?
your head slowly turns toward the object, widening when you realize what you’ve come face-to-face with.
it meows at you, tiny and orange. it’s a kitten, in your apartment, on your couch, staring at you as if you were the intruder. you slowly place your book bag down onto the floor before tiptoeing toward the small creature.
it meows again, even louder, more confidently. as soon as you kneel in front of the couch, the kitten walks up to you, its big green eyes staring at you in curiosity. you look around the room frantically, unsure of what to do in this situation. on the coffee table, a white post-it note sits, and you quickly grab it, knowing megan is behind the new friend.
“thought it would be better to ask for forgiveness.
anyway, his name is fanta.
at the store rn getting him things. i’ll be back!
-meiyokie”
you pinch the bridge of your nose, placing the post-it note back onto the table. a sigh escapes your lips as you look at the kitten again, his eyes still on you. he tilts his head and meows.
“fanta is a stupid name.” you deadpan at him. he meows again and walks closer to you, bumping his head into your chest. his purrs can be heard, and you can’t help but soften at the sound, reaching your hand up to pet his tiny, orange head.
fanta leans into the touch, his eyes closed as he continues purring even louder. you bite your lip to suppress your smile as you reach out to scoop the kitten into your arms. he rests against your chest cozily as you stand to your feet, a soft look in your eyes as you continue to stare at your new roommate.
“i hope you got enough cuddles with your mom before she left because when she comes back,” you lean your head closer to fanta, cooing, “i’m gonna kill her.” fanta meows, closing his eyes again to purr in your arms.
“yeah…” you coo again, walking toward your room. you step over your book bag, deciding that a little break to get to know your new friend wouldn’t hurt your next exam grade. “wanna see my room? i have a window and it gets so so cozy in the morning, yes it does!”
once another week of hell passes, megan decides (against your will) that you need to take a break– a real break.
“it won’t kill you, y/n,” your roommate said as she applied her makeup in front of your full-length mirror. “just another party. it’ll be fun.”
but as you stand with her and lara, the loud music booming from the speakers and the other college students drunkenly bumping into you as they try to make their way through the house, you can’t help but feel a bit aggravated.
lara and megan continue talking to each other, gossiping about another student from their major. you try to listen in on their conversation, but the music makes it nearly impossible, so you decide to take another sip from your cup, hoping the alcohol will help your sour mood.
suddenly, you feel someone grab your arm. your eyes widen, tearing your arm away from their grasp out of instinct. when you turn around, your eyes soften at the culprit, who happens to be yunjin.
she smiles at you sheepishly and tries to yell over the music, “sorry! i got excited when i saw you!” as if on cue, chaewon appears at her side as well, her cheeks flushed, and the usual intensity in her eyes is more gentle, a twinkle in them that you’ve never seen outside of the nursing building.
when you notice this, you take the opportunity to point at her, an amused smile on your lips. “she’s drunk.”
however, it’s still chaewon, and she’s quick to glare at you. “no, i'm not! i’m having fun.”
“drunk.” you quip back, your smile growing wider when the shorter girl begins to pout. amidst the teasing, a hand slides into yours, lacing your fingers together with practiced familiarity. you know it’s megan, and you squeeze her hand, silently letting her know that you haven’t forgotten her presence.
a chuckle escapes your lips as you gesture to your roommate, pulling her close to your side. “yunjin, chaewon, this is my roommate, megan.”
megan waves at your friends, greeting them with a smile. you then introduce lara and allow them to become acquainted. for a moment, you glance at megan and eye the way she plays with a strand of her hair.
she seems to be staring off into space, and you can’t help but frown, picking up on her habit. “are you okay?” you ask, and megan’s eyes crinkle in confusion.
she laughs suddenly, her eyes avoiding yours as she responds, “yeah. i'm fine, why?”
you furrow your brows at her reaction, reaching out to grab her hand that was preoccupied with her hair. a chuckle escapes your lips as you whisper, “whenever you get nervous… you do that thing…” your thought trails off as you look at megan.
her eyes are wide, and her cheeks are red due to the alcohol she’s been consuming. the last time you counted, megan was on her third drink, and you were going to make sure the next one would be her last.
she continues to stare up at you, her brown eyes looking into yours. you watch as she pulls her bottom lip back by her teeth, and the action puts you in a slight trance with a shiver running up your spine. “like… you mess with your hair…” you tell her in a low and breathless tone.
megan tilts her head at you, and there’s something unreadable in her eyes that you can’t decipher. your eyes flicker to her parted lips, and you wonder what would happen if you closed the gap between you.
the tension in the room is palpable, and maybe the alcohol in your system will make you brave for once. but before the thoughts could consume you further, megan is suddenly pulled away by lara, unintentionally breaking the moment between you and your roommate.
you watch as lara inserts megan into the conversation with yunjin and chaewon, and it allows you to release the breath you’ve been holding. you bring the cup up to your lips to take another sip from your drink, your eyes scanning the room to rid yourself of the thoughts you were having previously.
suddenly, a familiar laugh causes your ears to perk up instinctively, your head snapping toward the owner of the sound. your heart drops to your stomach when you see her.
it’s been months since you last saw her. the last time was in april, right before your freshman year ended, and it was in passing. you were walking to a meeting you had with one of your professors, and she was walking the other way, probably having finished class.
you both glanced at each other, a twinkle of familiarity between you.
but quickly, you’re both averting your eyes, staring straight ahead as you walk past each other like strangers.
it was as if the semester that had just passed never happened. the friendship you shared with the latina throughout high school doesn’t seem to fit in this timeline; it doesn’t make sense for it to.
at a moment’s weakness, you found yourself stopping suddenly. slowly, you turned around and hoped that maybe, she’d be looking back at you.
she already left the building, however. no trace of her to be seen, and you turned back around, your hands gripping the straps of your book bag as you continued toward your destination.
and now, here she was, laughing loudly with manon and sophia. you notice how her hair is back to its natural color, and for some reason, the small detail softens you. it reminds you of the daniela you knew in high school. the one who was always there, the girl who stuck by your side no matter how hard things became.
daniela in high school would have never hurt you the way daniela did last year. she would have ripped that girl apart and scolded her for being so stupid.
but the daniela you knew in high school no longer exists. instead, in her place is a person you can’t recognize, and you have no desire to know her.
you step outside of the party, needing a breather after seeing the latina again. something about it felt almost too real— it felt like everything you’ve ever tried to forget forced itself back into the forefront of your mind.
memories of your old best friend claw their way up your spine, it whispers in your ear coldly, reminding you that there was, in fact, a time in your life when daniela avanzini used to sleep next to you in your childhood bedroom. you shake your head and tell yourself that it doesn’t matter, that none of it ever mattered that much to begin with.
it didn’t matter when she left for college and never spoke to you again.
it didn’t matter when she left you behind and never even sent you a ‘happy birthday’ text.
it didn’t matter when you saw her again that day in the quad.
it didn’t matter when she tried to enter your life again and you let her back in, despite your hesitation.
and it definitely didn’t matter when she proved you right, leaving you again with a broken heart and wondering what you could have done differently.
your eyes dart around the backyard of the house in an attempt to find something to distract you from the way your throat begins to tighten. there’s a sick feeling in your stomach, and you want to blame it on the alcohol, you want to blame it on everything else but what’s truly bothering you.
but then your eyes catch a glimpse of someone sitting at a swing set. and then you realize.
it’s the same swing set from last year, and now daniela sits in it, just like you did that night.
seeing her there causes you to freeze; the sight of her there, where you sat a year ago, knocks the wind out of you, and all of the emotions you’ve tried so hard to avoid rush at you like a monsoon. when she looks up and spots you, you realize you can no longer run away.
there’s no other choice but to admit the obvious: it did matter, it always mattered to you.
tears spring to your eyes as you stare at the latina, and a bit of you panics when she begins to stand up, as if scared she’d walk away.
before you register what’s happening, you hold your hand up and step forward. “no! wait!” you plead, and she stops in her tracks, her eyes wide at your words.
you take a deep breath as you take her in. you’re supposed to be angry; you’re supposed to be taking this opportunity to yell at her and scream for what she did. the fact that she led you into false security just to use it against you should sicken you.
but as you take closer steps toward your old friend, you begin to notice how she fidgets with the ring on her finger. the nervous habit reminds you that, no matter how much a person changes, bits and pieces of them will continue to live on.
somewhere deep inside daniela lives the girl who sat next to you in high school chemistry.
when you’re only a few feet away from her, words don’t come to mind. everything you wanted to tell her feels so far away, and you almost convince yourself to turn around and forget this ever happened. but the grip you didn’t realize you had on the hem of your sweater reminds you that there is something you want to say.
you stare at daniela with a bittersweet smile. it’s gentle and a bit forgiving, but it’s bitter nonetheless. “you were my best friend, dani.” your voice breaks when you say her name, as if it would be the last time you ever will. she lets out a shaky breath at your words and tilts her head, her eyes glossy with tears.
a sense of déjà vu begins to overwhelm you. suddenly, you’re sitting on the steps of her back patio again. it’s the night of her graduation party, and you promised that things would never change.
“you were my best friend too, y/n,” she whispers. for a moment, you both hold each other’s gaze, the creaking of the swing set quiet behind daniela. to your surprise, she throws her arms around your neck and pulls you into a tight embrace.
you stand in shock as she rests her head against your shoulder, and your hands almost reach up to push her away, but instead, your arms wrap around her waist, pulling her close.
for a single night, you pretend this is normal. you pretend you kept your promise.
“i’m sorry i’m not brave like you,” she whispers into your shoulder. you don’t respond, only holding her tighter. time stays still with daniela; it allows you both to linger in each other’s presence.
after a while, you pull away from the latina slowly and you take a step back, a small smile on your lips. “i should go,” you tell her, your voice wavering slightly. she nods and looks down at her feet, shaking her head as if she had been in a trance.
daniela takes a deep breath before looking back up at you with a genuine smile. “oh yeah, don’t wanna keep megan waiting, right?”
“wait, what?” you furrow your brows at the latina, confused by the implication in her words. when she doesn’t respond, you continue to press, “megan… what?” daniela giggles at your expression, and it causes you to feel even more at a loss.
she crosses her arms over her chest and shakes her head, clicking her tongue before looking away from you. however, you can still see the sly smile on her face. “you guys are cute together.”
your eyes widen, and your cheeks turn pink in embarrassment. you rub the back of your neck as you murmur, “we aren’t… together…”
daniela rolls her eyes and looks at you with a raised brow. “you can’t fool me, y/n. i see the way you look at her…” her amused smile falters slightly, but she regains composure, clearing her throat.
she forces a smile as she continues, “it’s the way you used to look at me.”
the last few days have been weirdly quiet in the apartment, and it has honestly been driving you crazy.
you’ve noticed a change in megan. the notes around the apartment remain, but since the party, it has been the only form of communication you’ve had with the chinese girl. every morning since then, she has been the first one to leave the apartment.
there are more nights than usual when she stays on campus to practice her routines. you try to reason that the girl must have another competition coming up that requires her undivided attention.
but after another ‘good morning,’ post-it goes ignored, you conclude that she must be avoiding you.
the thought of megan being upset with you takes up space in your mind, so much so that you find yourself leaving in the middle of a lecture just to corner her at home.
it’s a plan you devised after you found another post-it note in your textbook, and even though it was an old one, it was still enough to drive you crazy.
you sit on the couch with fanta in your lap, waiting patiently for megan to arrive home from class. when megan finally walks through the door, you can tell that your presence shocks her based on the way she freezes at the doorway.
your heart drops when she doesn’t greet you like usual, simply walking toward the kitchen without saying a word to you. you continue to pet fanta as you speak up, “what’s going on with you?”
your roommate opens the fridge to grab the brita that’s inside. she refills her water bottle as she responds, “i don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“you’ve been avoiding me, meiyokie.” you look down at fanta, who purrs gently when you scratch a certain part of his neck. when you look up, you see megan placing the brita back inside the fridge.
“i’m not avoiding you, y/n.” her tone is sharp, as if she’s already tired of the conversation. you can’t help but feel annoyed, leaning down close to fanta.
“fanny, i think there’s a stick up your mommy’s ass…” you snicker at the kitten. he looks up at you, then continues to bathe himself, blissfully unaware of the tension that radiates between you and megan. the chinese girl glares at you and huffs, setting her water bottle down loudly onto the counter.
the sound causes fanta to jump from your lap, suddenly scurrying into megan’s room for safety. you shake your head and stare at megan in disappointment. “your son doesn’t like it when we fight.”
“we aren’t!-“ megan exclaims, but quickly lowers her voice, running a frustrated hand through her hair. “we are not fighting. and i’m not avoiding you.”
you raise an eyebrow and cross your arms over your chest. “megan, we haven’t had a real conversation in days.” your roommate sighs and rubs her face with her hands.
there’s an exhausted look in her eyes, and from the way she stands so tensely, you assume that it’s because the dance team has been working extra hard the last few weeks. but, you wouldn’t know, this is the first conversation you’ve had with megan in a while, after all.
she looks down at the counter and shrugs. “it doesn't even matter, okay?” you frown, noticing the way she avoids looking at you.
“it does matter because you’re upset, and i just wanna know why.” you reach over to the coffee table, grabbing the pad of sticky notes that sit there. you then stand up from the couch and walk over to your roommate, setting the pad down in front of her. she looks at it, then at you with a curious look in her eyes.
“what?” she asks softly. you gesture to the sticky notes, grabbing a random pen you see from the corner of your eyes, and place it in front of the brunette with a gentle smile.
“this seems to be the easiest way for you to communicate with me, so do it.” megan scoffs, pushing the pad away from her.
she looks away from you again with a roll of her eyes. “now you’re making fun of me,” she murmurs, and you shake your head again. you slowly slide the sticky-note pad closer to you and grab the pen, intent on starting the conversation.
a million thoughts run through your head, and you aren’t the best with your words, but for megan, you try.
“not talking to you sucks and it honestly makes me sad when we don’t ):
-y/n”
you slide it back to megan, poking her arm with the pen. she glances at you, then at the note you wrote. she frowns and takes the pen from your hand to write down her response.
“really?
-meiyokie”
“really.
-y/n”
“are you and dani talking again?”
-meiyokie”
you pause before writing down your response. your eyes scan her words over and over again, quirking an eyebrow at your roommate. she doesn’t acknowledge you, though, simply sliding the post-it note pad closer to you, urging you to respond.
“no… why would you think that?
-y/n”
“i saw you guys hugging outside at the party.
i thought you probs forgave her.
-meiyokie”
“is that what’s been bothering you?
-y/n”
she stares at your question as you await her answer. suddenly, she looks up at you and nods, frowning slightly. “i told you it was stupid.”
you shake your head and reach out to megan, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. you squeeze gently as you reply, “that’s not stupid.”
“it is. because, i don’t even know why it made me so upset…” she sighs, placing her head in her hands. “like, it literally made me so mad.” you remove your hand from her shoulder to begin rubbing her back, frowning at the distress evident on her face.
you lean close to megan and whisper, “you should have told me.”
“i know, i'm sorry.” she looks up at you and smiles weakly. she leans against your shoulder, and you instinctively wrap an arm around your roommate, pulling her close to your side. megan wraps her arms around your torso and sighs again, closing her eyes. “i’m your best friend, right?”
her words reveal the depth of her feelings toward seeing you and daniela together. your chest flutters at the thought of megan being afraid to lose you, even if it was only your friendship.
you hold megan even tighter, content with the fact that you two were okay again. “you’re my best friend, meiyokie.”
thanksgiving break finally arrives, but being away from megan and fanta bothers you a lot more than you’d like to admit.
megan sits with fanta on her lap at your desk, and they watch you continue packing for your trip home. your roommate sighs dramatically as you walk over to your closet for the nth time. “you know fanta knows you’re leaving, right? cats can like, sense that shit.”
“don’t tell me that,” you groan as you rummage through your clothes for another outfit to pack. when you glance at them, your heart breaks slightly at the sight. megan pouts as she holds fanta in her arms like a baby, cradling him as he paws at her face.
you bite your lip to suppress the laugh that wants to escape your lips as you watch fanta struggle in megan’s arms. she continues to ignore him, cooing, “look at him! he doesn’t want you to go…” fanta suddenly meows in response, jumping out of megan’s arms to run out of the room. you watch as he disappears, and you look back at megan with a grin.
“he’s heartbroken for sure…” you turn your back on your roommate as you reach for the clothes you’ve been looking for, grabbing them so you can finally finish packing. megan stands up from the desk chair and walks over to your luggage, still pouting at you as if you were leaving out of spite.
you fold your clothes and pack them into your bag, shaking your head when your roommate begins to jab a finger into your side. “meiyokie, you’re making this a lot harder than it needs to be.”
“good,” she quips, poking your side again with a huff. “you can stay longer.”
you roll your eyes as you place the last of your belongings inside your bag, close it, and then zip it up. megan stares at you sadly, and that look alone almost makes you consider staying one more day.
but you already told your mother you’d be home tonight, and she is very excited to hear about any new developments between you and megan. your cheeks burn at the thought, and you shake your head, grabbing your bag from your bed.
“wanna walk with me to my car?” she sighs but still smiles at you, grabbing your bag from your hands.
you give her a questioning look as you reach for it back, but she pushes you away playfully, wagging her finger in front of your face. “nope! i'm helping!” she charges ahead of you and holds your bag with both her hands, obviously struggling with it.
but you allow her to walk out the door with it, watching her with amusement as she tries to get it down the stairs. by the time you reach your car, she’s dragging it along the road, but you couldn’t care less; you love watching megan smile.
finally, she throws your bag into the backseat, shutting the car door with a loud huff. megan looks up at you with her hands on her hips, a bit out of breath. her pink bangs are sticking out everywhere, and she has a silly grin plastered on her face.
as you stare at your roommate, you can’t help but feel overwhelmed by your feelings toward her. you think about finally telling her, finally pressing your lips against hers. but you know it’s not the right time, and you aren’t sure when that time is, but right now you know it wouldn’t go well.
you wrap your arms around megan, hugging her close to your front. she immediately hugs you back and buries her head into your neck. her lips ghost over your skin as she whispers, “have a good break, y/n.”
your eyes close as you run a hand through her hair. “you too, meiyokie.”
you’re not even that far away from the apartment when you realize you should get gas before making the trip back home.
it takes everything in you to make the decision, weighing your options in your head before finally pushing yourself to make the smart choice. you reach into your pocket for your wallet, groaning when you realize you must have packed it away into your luggage.
you look behind you at the backseat, and your eyes spot an orange post-it note sitting on top of your bag. a chuckle leaves your lips as you reach out to grab it, shaking your head at your roommate. you wonder if this was why she was so insistent on taking your bag.
the smile on your lips falters as your eyes scan her words. you reread them over and over again, making sure you aren’t just seeing things.
“oh by the way i’m in love with you.
and i think you love me too.
also i stole your hoodie before you left.
i’ll see you after break :)
-love, meiyokie
you’re out of breath by the time you finally get home. you’re sweating profusely, and you look a bit like a mess when you bust through the door. megan runs out of her room with wide eyes, and you notice how she has already changed into your hoodie. “y/n? did you forget something–?”
“you’re in love with me.” the words tumble out of your mouth before you can stop them. she tilts her head at you, her eyes softening in realization that you must have read her note a lot earlier than she expected.
“is that a question or a statement?” she asks, and for a moment, you stand there, your eyes wide and your mouth slightly agape. no response escapes your lips, and you watch as megan shrugs nonchalantly, as if she didn’t just drop a bomb on you. she steps forward and bites her lip, nodding slowly. “yeah, i am,” she confesses, a bit breathless.
your brows furrow as your heart begins to do flips in your chest. when you realized you were in love with your roommate, the possibility of her loving you back never occurred to you.
you were more than content with having megan by your side, just as your friend, despite how you felt toward her. sure, it would have torn you apart, but you’ve seen something like this before, and the thought of losing megan in the process killed you.
but megan looks at you with stars in her eyes. she lights up every time you walk through the door, and you feel so stupid for not seeing it before.
while you’re stuck in your thoughts, you don’t notice how she bows her head, suddenly not looking at you anymore. when you look at her, your eyes widen, reaching out to place your hands on her shoulders. she looks up at you, her lips quivering, and her eyes glistening with tears.
you shake your head, quickly pulling her into a tight hug. “fuck wait— megan. i didn’t mean to make you cry,” your voice becomes shakier as you continue. “i just— i didn’t think you’d feel the same way. that’s impossible...”
she pulls away slightly to look up at you, sniffling. suddenly, she slaps your arm with a pout on her lips. the action causes you to wince, and you look at her incredulously. “what the hell?! what was that for?!”
“for being so oblivious and dumb!” she says half teasingly but slightly more annoyed. megan pulls you back into a hug, her arms looping around your neck and her face buried into your shoulder. she murmurs, “i waited so long for you to say something.” you chuckle, wrapping your arms securely around her waist.
you whisper, “sorry. i'm just... surprised.” you hold megan closer and you relish in her warmth— the warmth of being loved by megan skiendiel.
“is that a bad thing?” she suddenly asks. you unwrap your arms from her waist, settling your hands on her hips so you can look at her.
you shake your head, a soft smile on your lips. “no. i’m glad it’s you.”
she smiles at you, her whiskers on display as she looks into your eyes. the sincerity in them makes your knees go weak, and now that you’re in this moment with her, you have no idea what to do next. you’ve imagined it a few times before, but they don’t compare to what it actually feels like, how it actually feels to be loved back.
before you can process what’s happening, megan is on her tippy toes and kisses you as if her life depended on it.
you respond immediately, your hands pulling her closer. your lips move against hers in a slow rhythm that makes your head spin. you messily thread your fingers into her hair as she places her hands on your cheeks, sliding them down to your shoulders. you’re both lost in the kiss– lost in each other, and you can’t imagine being anywhere else but here.
a loud meow interrupts the moment, and it causes you both to pull away slightly. you’re both giggling at each other with flushed cheeks as another meow is heard. you throw your head back dramatically, groaning, “fanta! what the hell!” the kitten only meows again, and you can feel him rub against your leg. you look down at him, and he stares up at you expectantly, as if demanding your attention.
megan giggles and hugs you tightly, resting her head against your chest. “i told you! he was gonna miss you…” you roll your eyes at her words, but your smile remains. fanta begins to circle you and megan and meows at you both, waiting for someone to give him what he wants.
you sigh, kneeling to scoop the kitten into your arms. he begins to purr in your arms, and megan looks at you with a twinkle in her eyes. “i think you should stay one more day.”
fanta meows again, and you smile, your heart feeling fuller than it ever has.
an: ok hi i lied! another reupload bc i've been thinking abt this fic since i posted 'in another dimension' again n i felt like giving u guys fluff again as a treat <3 anywho i hope u all enjoyed reading again, and if this is ur first time reading, i hope u liked it! - rylee
maybe it was your impulsivity that brought you here.
or, perhaps, it was your overwhelming desire to understand why the universe decided to bite you in the ass.
whatever led you to your decision, you’re starting to regret it, just a little bit.
after the events that occurred a little over a month ago, you decided the only way to cope with it was to find something to do. you were desperate for anything to keep yourself from falling apart, researching for jobs during winter break that would be enough to keep you occupied for the remainder of your senior year.
that’s when you found the TA position on campus.
your university was offering ‘soulmate theory 110’ for the winter quarter, and the professor was urgently looking for a TA to help him coordinate the class.
chaewon told you it was a stupid idea, keeho said to go for it, and yunjin jokingly asked if this was your way to figure out if you two belonged together.
deep down, yunjin’s statement motivated your choice even more.
you knew if you wanted to avoid the precarious situation you were currently in, then a class like soulmate theory shouldn’t even be in consideration. yet, you still went to the humanities building that day to speak to the professor. it was dr. lee, a kind man, who taught your soulmate theory class during freshman year. to your surprise, he remembered you and lit up at the prospect of having you as his TA.
he explained what the position would entail, what knowledge you would need for the class, if any. at the end of his spiel, he asked if you were up for the task, and at that point, you really couldn’t say no.
before leaving, he asked if you had met your soulmate yet.
the confusion on his face was evident when you replied, “i think so.”
huh yunjin feels safe.
you find yourself in yunjin’s apartment after she had asked you to come over to listen to a song she had been writing, and you were out the door within minutes.
and, it’s these quiet moments with yunjin that make you believe it really is meant to be her.
it was almost impossible to find quiet time with megan. when you’d come over to visit, even in the seclusion of her room, the distant laughter and the familiar rattle of an object falling could be heard through the walls. she’d sometimes take you along to parties that always made you feel nervous.
they weren’t the usual house parties you’d attend with friends, always smelling of cheap beer and the speakers booming with lame house music. those parties with megan always felt intimidating, like every influencer in los angeles was watching you. it’s as if they knew you were just a random person megan found on the street.
dating megan sometimes took a toll on you, but you were happy. and the universe said this was meant to be.
but, as you continue watching yunjin strum her guitar, humming to herself, pausing every once in a while to write something down in her journal, it feels more right like this.
quiet, collected– normal, even.
you stand up from her desk chair and decide to sit with her on the bed. she glances at you and smiles gently, bumping her shoulder with yours before going back to doing her task at hand. your head rests on her shoulder, and you close your eyes, just listening to her.
allowing her to continue being her.
a week goes by, and you’re humming yunjin’s song under your breath as you turn the page of a story you’re engrossed in.
“i feel like you pay more attention to this class as a TA than when you were a student, y/n.” dr. lee walks up to you after his lecture with a smile on his face. he crosses his arms, but the way his shoulders slouch slightly tells you he isn’t actually mad– more curious.
you look up at him sheepishly, setting down the textbook. the unit the class is currently covering is interesting to you, much more interesting now that you aren’t a student of his.
it’s all about how soulmates appear in literature. the way generations before yours have depicted the idea of soulmates and its impact on various forms of art, including poetry, novels, and more recently, film and music. they all tell the same story: finding your other half, what it feels like, and the aftermath.
you’ve tried to find a story just like yours, wondering if the impossible is truly possible. but, it’s all a fairytale. there’s always a happy ending, and nothing ever goes wrong.
you purse your lips at the repetitiveness of it all. before everything that occurred with megan, your perception of the stories would have been much different. there would be a smile on your face, sweet thoughts of the chinese girl consuming you with every story you go through.
now, since that night, since you walked away from megan, you’ve realized that these are, in fact, just fairytales. they’re meant to make people excited to meet their one, to hear the words on their arm fall from someone’s mouth so that they, too, can live happily ever after.
if you were to write your own story about your experience, you wonder if it would be a bestseller.
you look at dr. lee and take a sharp breath. in one single breath, you reply, “is there a story that doesn’t have a happy ending?” you look down at the textbook in front of you and frown. “i mean… i don’t know. something more realistic, i guess.”
he raises an eyebrow at your question, uncrossing his arms. he places his palms on the desk and leans over to look at the textbook. he tilts his head and replies, “you don’t believe these stories are realistic?”
“they’re all just about how happy everyone is once they find their other half,” you sigh, leaning back against your chair. you shrug your shoulders and look at him, trying to mask the pain that’s inside your eyes.
“like, i don’t know, is that really how it should be? we find our person, and suddenly it’s sunshine and rainbows?” he laughs at your words and shakes his head. for a moment, he’s silent, his eyes now trained on his palms on the desk.
he looks deep in thought, removing his hands from the desk to cross his arms over his chest once more. dr. lee stretches his arm out to you, pointing at the textbook. “let me flip through that real quick, i think i have something similar to what you’re looking for.”
you slide it toward him and watch as he grabs it, straightening out the glasses on his face before opening the textbook. he flips through it, his eyes skimming over the words of each page as if he had read it all before, front to back.
dr. lee remains quiet, and you want to fill the silence in the lecture hall, but no other words spill from your lips. you feel as though you’ve said enough; your negative outlook on the theory of soulmates can be quite draining. your eyes dart around the room, feeling awkward as he continues to find a story that matches your current interests.
as you look around, you start to eye the objects on his desk. one in particular is a framed photo of him and another man, their arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, with fireworks going off in the background. you notice how much younger dr. lee looks in the photo, and you wonder if this was when he was a student at the university.
“if you’re wondering, that is my soulmate,” he tells you without looking up from the textbook, still flipping through the pages with meticulous intent. “he’s quite a character, my best friend at first, because i didn’t want to admit to him that he said the words on my arm. i always wore long sleeves around him because i didn’t want him to find out. but he wore his birthmark proudly, showing to everyone and anyone that would ask.”
you sit up straighter in the seat, curious. “why’d you hide it from him?”
dr. lee clicks his tongue, grabbing a random post-it note from his desk to mark the page of the story he had been looking for. he closes the textbook gently before handing it back to you.
“soulmates didn’t interest me at the time; i was more than happy with just having fun, you know?” you take the textbook from him, nodding your head slowly. it surprises you to hear him speak this way– especially since he is the head of the soulmate studies program at the university.
“did he freak out when you finally told him?” he laughs, throwing his head back as if he were reliving the memory all over again.
dr. lee runs a hand through his graying hair and smiles. “of course he did. he didn’t speak to me for weeks.” he shakes his head at himself, looking down at his feet. “it ended up being okay… we got married in the end. to this day, though, i regret not telling him sooner.”
you eye him with a hint of amusement, tilting your head. “you guys got married, though, at least you got your happy ending after all.”
dr. lee looks at you with an unreadable expression. suddenly, he smiles slightly, nodding in agreement. he then clears his throat before pointing at the textbook again. “you might like that one, it’s still a happy ending, but it holds that realism you’re probably looking for.” before you can open the book to take a look, he starts speaking again, “so, what are they like?”
you pause, looking up at dr. lee with furrowed brows. “what?”
“what’s your soulmate like?” he asks again, much clearer. you look down at the textbook, your cheeks turning a tint of pink as you feel as though you’ve been caught. you bite your lip as you think about your response.
since that night with megan, she has vowed to show you that you two were soulmates.
she has begun non-stop texting, calling, and showing up at your door just to see if you're okay. at first, you found it incredibly annoying. you told megan to continue her life without you by her side, to live her life the way it was meant to be, just how she liked it. it bothered you that it took the risk of losing you for her to realize her mistakes, to come crawling back as if it were that easy.
but what bothered you more is that it is that easy.
the way megan wants to prove herself to you, continually being there at your side or waiting at your door despite her ever-growing busy schedule, fills you with a desire to take her back, no questions asked.
but then there’s huh yunjin.
whatever it is that you may feel for the korean girl continues to build with every moment spent with her. it grows every time she holds your hand in public, every time she tells you about a new song she found while she was on her morning walk.
all you ever wanted was to find your soulmate; you thought it was the be-all, end-all of your life. however, it has now become a disaster, and you still want to continue blaming megan for everything. you’ve found, though, that it won’t make your life easier, and it certainly wouldn’t make the answer any clearer.
“there are two girls who have said the words on my arm, and it’s been hell trying to figure it out,” you tell dr. lee in a defeated tone. your eyes avoid his, letting them fall to your lap as you fidget with the rings on your fingers.
he doesn’t say anything, letting his silence linger. a feeling of dread begins to consume you– the thought that even a man who has studied soulmates his entire life couldn’t even process the words you just said.
finally, he responds, his voice gentle as if to avoid breaking you apart further, “as cliche as it may sound, the universe really does work in mysterious ways.”
an accidental scoff escapes your lips at his words, and your hand flies to your mouth, looking up at him with apologetic eyes. dr. lee looks back at you, his soft demeanor remaining despite the small show of disrespect you gave him. he continues, crossing his arms. “but the thing about the theory of soulmates is that deep down, you know who it is."
you roll your eyes internally as you reply, “what if i’m wrong, though?”
he leans forward, raises an eyebrow, and asks “what’s the number one thing to remember when it comes to the soulmate theory?”
“that… the soul will always know. even before you know their name.” you murmur, looking up at the ceiling, feeling worse somehow. from the corner of your eye, you watch dr. lee grab a notepad from his desk and a pen.
he begins to write something down. “i hope you read that story because you just gave me an idea for a lesson to give the class.” he clicks the pen when he’s done, placing the notepad and pen back down onto the desk.
you open your mouth to reply, but he raises his hand, cutting you off. “i’ll see you tomorrow, y/n.” he grabs his messenger bag from the floor and hangs it over his shoulder.
“read the story. i think it might help you with your situation.” he waves you goodbye, leaving you with a sympathetic smile. you watch as he walks out of the lecture hall, and as soon as you’re sure he is down the hallway, you let out a loud, frustrated groan, letting your head hit the desk with a thud.
huh yunjin is also loud.
she’s loud and talks your ear off about things that don’t quite make sense to you. she uses big words sometimes that sound like they come from the SATs. her idea of spending time with you is exploring an artist’s pop-up exhibit downtown, stopping to take pictures of the sunset, and sharing with you her own analysis of a book she recently read.
the korean girl has noticed you’ve been stressed lately. she has seen you overwork yourself to the point where you end up pulling all-nighters. today, after allowing you to sleep in until 1 pm, she wakes you up with a phone call, asking if you would like to accompany her to the new exhibit that has just opened at the art museum she loves to frequent.
amidst your drowsiness, you manage to accept her invitation. once you’ve changed into more appropriate attire that isn’t an oversized t-shirt and your spiderman boxers, it dawns on you that this outing with yunjin could be described as a date.
and suddenly, there’s a nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach that you desperately try to push away.
after paying your admission fee, you slowly walk around, wandering through the different galleries to find yunjin. after a few minutes of looking, a lightbulb goes off above your head. you turn one of the corners, remembering the path to one of her favorite areas of the museum.
as you navigate your way around, you find yourself at the entrance of a long hallway, decorated with paintings and sculptures from past students who attended the local university.
at the end of it is yunjin.
she wears a white, flowy dress with her favorite tan cardigan hanging off her shoulders. her ginger hair is down, tucked behind her ear as she stares at what you assume to be her favorite painting amongst the others.
your legs guide you toward her, every step feeling heavier than the last. you’re not sure why you’re so nervous, but the korean girl has that effect on you sometimes. as you get closer, you watch the corner of her lip turn upward. she doesn’t look at you, but she knows you’re coming, and it makes your heart beat even faster.
finally, you stand beside yunjin, but she continues to stare at the painting. you look at it, observing how the mixture of orange and blues creates an abstract work of art that your brain can’t quite make sense of. it’s silent between you both as you continue to stare at the canvas. you’re unable to focus as the scent of yunjin’s perfume begins to overwhelm your senses.
she then speaks, so softly it surprises you, “the artist is korean.” you glance at her and notice a twinkle in her eyes as she looks at the painting. she continues, “he dedicated this painting to his soulmate who passed away two months before he got to finish it.”
she tilts her head, a sad smile on her face as she stares at it. “it’s one of my favorites here… the title always makes me tear up when i see it.” at the mention of it, you turn your attention to the plaque. in bold, black letters, it reads: ‘your love exists somewhere.’
your eyes soften as you read it over and over again. there’s a pang in your chest, a sense of empathy for the artist. before you could respond to yunjin’s words, her hand brushes against yours, causing you to freeze. the small physical contact leaves you speechless, and the ability to speak becomes lost on you. you feel it– her hand lingering next to yours.
she speaks again, but her eyes remain away from you. “i wonder what you do after that, you know? when you lose your soulmate…” her hand brushes against yours again, but this time it feels purposeful, as if testing the waters. “where does all that love go?”
there’s a lump in your throat. you’re not sure if she’s asking you or some other force of nature that may have all the answers. if that were real, all of your questions would have been answered by now.
you remain silent as you lace your fingers with hers. the way it feels to be this close to her, shoulders touching and her hand fitting perfectly with yours, it’s a feeling you can’t describe. you take a glance at her, a smile finding its way onto your lips when you see she’s already looking up at you.
huh yunjin is loud, unashamed, and looks at you as though there is nothing else worth looking at.
“come on, let’s check out that exhibit you were talking about.” yunjin nods at your words, squeezing your hand before tugging on it gently, leading you toward your next destination.
a few days later, you’re back inside the lecture hall, straining your eyes to keep reading the essays in front of you.
while grading them, you receive a phone call. at first, you ignore it, not wanting to be distracted from your task. however, it rings again, and you can’t help but groan, grabbing your phone from your book bag in slight agitation. your heart begins to race when you see who it is.
it’s megan.
embarrassingly, you answer the phone quickly, your voice is gentle as you greet the girl, “hey… what’s up?”
“hi.. sorry, i um. i just wanted to hear your voice.” you bite your lip to suppress the smile that wants to spread across your cheeks. you don't respond right away, causing her to speak again, “i can go if you’re busy… i know this was out of nowhere,” her voice is quiet with slight disappointment dripping in her tone.
you shake your head as if she could see you from the other side. “no, i’m just… working on stuff for school, i could take a break right about now.” an awkward chuckle escapes your lips as you move aside one of the papers you were working on. you prop your elbows onto the desk as you continue, “how’s… rehearsals?”
“exhausting. but, we’re feeling pretty good about our shows coming up.” you nod again, reaching over to grab a notepad and pen from dr. lee’s organizer. she tells you about the music festival they’re performing at soon, their upcoming tour, and how lara keeps asking about a friend of yours that she saw with you in one of your instagram posts.
you continue mindlessly scribbling nonsense onto the notepad. “does lara wanna crack or what?” a small smile spreads across your lips as you hear megan laugh on the other end. it’s the laugh that’s always followed by a giggle or two as she plays with the ends of her hair. you can’t see her, but you know her dyed pink tips are twirling around her finger.
“lara keeps saying no! but, she definitely wants you to set something up for them to meet…” you raise an eyebrow, drawing a stick figure on the notepad. you add a top hat onto his head but scribble it out, clicking your tongue.
“i can definitely try… she’s kind of hard to figure out, though, so lara should watch out for that.” you imagine megan rolling her eyes at that, her lips pursed.
“perfect. sounds like lara’s type.” it’s your turn to laugh, leaning back in your chair as you throw your head back. you stare up at the ceiling with a grin on your face, forgetting for a moment that megan broke up with you. as you ask her questions about how the rest of her day went, your guard continues to fall piece by piece.
you find yourself telling her the awful joke keeho made earlier in your group chat, how being a TA is probably the worst decision you’ve ever made.
she tells you about the nonsense manon and lara put her through at the airport last weekend.
you tell her about professor lee’s class and how you believe 85% of the class might fail.
(“are you serious? you’re the one grading their work, though.” “yeah, that’s the point.” “damn. you suck.”)
amidst the laughter, the smooth flow of conversation, when you begin telling her about the exhibit you and yunjin went to, a visible tension begins to form in the room. you don’t notice it at first when you tell her about it, but the silence on the other end begins to feel heavier.
you look down at your lap when megan doesn’t reply. reality begins to settle back into place, and you are reminded once again that she probably isn’t your soulmate. a weight in your chest returns at the thought, and you almost hang up the phone, not wanting to continue putting yourself through unnecessary stress.
“can i come over later and grab something from your dorm?” megan suddenly asks. the lighthearted tone she had earlier is now gone, and you can’t help but miss it, even if you had just heard it only moments ago.
you look up from your lap to stare out the window that’s right next to dr. lee’s desk. the sunlight kisses your skin, and you reach out, pressing your fingertips against the glass. despite the warmth the sun provides, you know it’s freezing outside. the window being cold to the touch provides testament to that. you look up at the sky, thinking about a day that looked just like this with megan.
you were both walking to her favorite cafe to grab a hot chocolate. she had been begging for one since you both woke up in each other’s arms that morning, and you could never say no to megan skiendiel. she stole a hoodie from your closet and ran out the door with you in tow.
the walk is only ten minutes, but with megan, it takes twenty. she always insisted on taking the “scenic” route. her arms were wrapped around yours, and she talked about her plans for the break she was finally going to have now that the holidays were around the corner.
before walking inside the cafe, she stopped you, getting on her tiptoes to kiss you gently. when she pulled away, she looked at you with a gleam in her eyes– a look you could never forget.
“come with me and my family to hawaii,” she said to you breathlessly.
before you could reply, she kissed you again. it was deeper this time, and you could feel her hands cold against your cheeks. she pulled away again and pressed her forehead against yours, giggling when your noses bumped into each other. you looked into her eyes, and she looked back with a sincere look. she whispered, “my soulmate should see where i grew up, you know?”
winter showed its true colors as the wind began to pick up around you, but as you wrapped your arms around megan, nodding your head with an excited grin, it might as well have been spring.
“y/n?” megan says over the phone, pulling you back to the present. you look away from the window, your eyes back on the stack of papers you have to get through before the week ends.
you nod, reaching out for them again to continue what you were doing. “yeah, i’ll be back at my dorm around 6ish…”
when you get home that night, megan stands at your front door, holding what appears to be a bag of take-out. you notice how she wears one of your university hoodies, so oversized that it falls a bit above her knees. her hair is tied back in a ponytail, and her pink bangs are sticking out a bit, with wisps of them sticking to her forehead, likely due to her just getting done with rehearsal for the day. you melt at the sight of her wearing her glasses– an achilles heel that she knows you have.
megan is effortlessly beautiful, and it kills you that, despite what happened, you still want to run into her arms. and if you did, it would feel like home.
you hold yourself back, though, not wanting your guard to fall again. unfortunately, megan leaves again for another music festival in two weeks, and it’s another gentle reminder that you and the girl are in two different places in life.
a part of you is still scared that this would all be for nothing again, and it truly is huh yunjin, that the universe intended for you.
but as you walk closer to megan, seeing her eyes light up at the sight of you, her whiskered smile growing wider with every step you take, you feel the walls you’ve built begin to crumble all over again.
once you’re only two feet away, megan holds up the take-out bag with a grin. “i know i said i only wanted to come by to grab something, but… i went to that one sushi place you really like.” she shakes the bag with emphasis, giggling nervously. “i thought we could hang out– just hang out! i swear!”
you glance at the bag and then at her. your stomach grumbles at the thought of finally having dinner, and there are a million reasons why you should say no, to turn megan away. but you could never do that, not when she wears your hoodie and smiles at you as if nothing bad ever happened.
the way keeho glares at you makes you sigh. “stop looking at me like that…”
it’s the day after you and megan hung out in your dorm, and your best friends are not pleased at all with that fact.
keeho scoffs and looks away from you, looking back down at his textbook. he thrums his fingers against the table loudly as if to emphasize his growing agitation toward you. you know he’s trying to bite his tongue, not wanting to make you upset, but chaewon doesn’t care to beat around the bush.
she goes straight to the point without any hesitation, “even after everything that happened, you’re still giving her a chance?”
her incredulous tone makes you wince. you avoid looking in her direction, knowing her eyes would be full of disappointment and, even worse, pity. your best friends haven’t been the biggest megan skiendiel fans for the last two months, and you should have prepared yourself for their reactions.
you look down at the stack of papers on the table in front of you, ignoring how chaewon continues to look at you with expectancy. “of course i am, she could be my soulmate, after all…”
“key word: could be,” keeho chimes in, which earns him a glare from you.
“we haven’t even met the other girl yet, and it seems like she’s a better fit for you than megan,” chaewon suddenly adds, not looking away from her laptop to pay any attention to the pout on your lips. she continues to type, “it sounds like this yunjin knows what she wants.”
“i second that– who even told you it was a good idea to start dating a celebrity anyway?” keeho asks incredulously, his hands gesturing to you. you glare at him again, and you can feel your jaw tightening slightly.
“mind you, megan and i met at a party you invited me to,” you tell him through gritted teeth. keeho only shrugs, swiftly closing his textbook and pushing it away. he stretches his arms and yawns, indicating he is ready for a break. or, more specifically, ready to be done with schoolwork for the day.
unfortunately, there’s still a stack of papers for you to go through, and then you have your own paper to write. being a TA is becoming overwhelming, but your pride is too big for you to admit it out loud. keeho and chaewon are already up your ass about your soulmate dilemma; you can’t imagine giving them another form of ammunition to use against you.
“tomato, po-tah-to, i’m gonna go get a coffee.” he gets up, pushes his chair in, and walks away from the table. you chuckle when you see him stumble over his feet a bit, almost falling onto his ass. he looks back at you with a panicked expression, silently telling, “you didn’t see anything.”
you shake your head, looking back down at the papers you have to go through. as your eyes skim through the next essay, chaewon decides to speak up again, “how come we haven’t met yunjin yet, anyway?”
“i don’t know… i’m still figuring it out. bringing her to you guys almost feels like a “meeting the parents” situation.” you shrug, flipping to the next page of the essay.
“is it that? or, is it because it would make it feel real?” chaewon’s words cause you to freeze. your eyes remain on the essay, but it’s hard to focus when it feels like the girl just figured you out. you grip the pen in your hand as you try to find a reply, considering a response that doesn’t make your best friend lecture you all over again.
knowing chaewon, though, you decide to be honest. “you meeting yunjin would mean i would have to face the truth, and i’m not ready to do that.” you prepare for chaewon to press you further, to dig even deeper into why you aren’t ready.
instead, she reaches over and places her hand over yours that grips the pen tightly. “you know keeho just wants the best for you, right?”
you roll your eyes, finally looking up from the essay to look at chaewon with a raised eyebrow. “yes, mom, i know that.” she scoffs in response, squeezing your hand gently.
“honestly though… you do seem happier now that yunjin is around.” you bite your lip and nod, her words putting a knife through your chest for some reason.
she continues, though, patting your hand before pulling away. “but, it’s not the same happiness you had when you were with megan.” you let out a sharp breath, looking back down at the work you have to do. you’re unsure of what to say as you try to focus on another student’s analysis of the most recent reading they had done for class.
you hear chaewon click her tongue. “someone is gonna be heartbroken no matter what you decide, so prepare yourself for that at the end of the day.”
another week goes by, and it’s another night of you sitting at your desk, going through the latest reading that professor lee assigned for his class. it’s the short story he told you to read a while ago, and as you try to stay focused, it becomes more difficult to ignore the drooping of your eyes. you desperately try to push yourself to keep going, not wanting to succumb to the exhaustion quite yet. it’s only 1 am— there had to be another hour or two left in you.
but at some point, the words on the paper started to jumble together, and you could have sworn the conclusion to the story was entirely in spanish. a sigh of defeat leaves your lips as you close the book shut, placing it back inside your book bag for it to only be taken out once more when you wake up.
you stretch your arms, letting out a soft groan as you release some of the tension you’ve kept in your shoulders. suddenly, there’s a knock at your door that causes you to jump slightly, nearly falling back in your chair. your head whips toward the door with wide eyes, staring at it to make sure it wasn't your imagination. however, the knock comes again.
three soft knocks, followed by two more.
it’s megan.
you stand up slowly from the chair, your brows furrowing in confusion as to why the girl decided to visit you so late. when you were dating, the latest she would ever come was 11 pm. you place your hand on the handle, taking a glance at the clock on your wall: 1:45 am.
is she crazy?
slowly, you open the door to reveal megan, who seems to still be in her practice clothes. her sweatpants hang low around her waist, and the strap of her tank top hangs loosely off her shoulder. you watch as her hands reach up to the end of her ponytail, her fingers fiddling with her hair as she begins to speak to you softly, “i… i couldn’t sleep.”
you raise an eyebrow, opening your mouth to reply, but she quickly continues, “well– okay. i didn’t even try to sleep. we had practice until 9 pm today because tomorrow morning, we leave for D.C. for the music festival, and after i left, i was gonna go home, but then our song came on, so i was like, okay, i’ll let this play. and then i let it play five more times. and then somehow, i ended up at the beach and i started thinking about us, like i always do, and suddenly it was like 12 am and i wondered if you were still a night owl so, i decided to come over and test it out and like, now i’m here and i didn’t really think about how you’d answer the door so i guess–”
a loud sigh escapes your lips as you grab megan’s wrist and pull her inside your dorm room, cutting off her rambling. it’s almost 2 am, and you know her members would tear her apart if she didn’t get up on time to make this flight. she stares at you with wide eyes, and you can tell she isn’t sure of what to do next. if you were being honest, you aren’t too sure either. you let go of megan’s wrist, stepping away from the girl.
“you need to get some sleep, and at this point, you’d be getting home at like, 3 am.” you point at your closet. “grab something to sleep in and you can crash here– the airport is only 10 minutes away anyway.”
megan beams at you, skipping toward your closet like she had done so many times before. a warmth creeps up your neck as you watch her sift through the closet like it's her own. you can’t help but stand awkwardly, waiting for her to finally find something to wear. she opts for one of your hoodies and shorts, and as if on instinct, she walks straight to your bathroom. megan stops in front of the door, though, turning toward you with an unsure smile.
“is this okay? if i use your shower?” you stare at her for a moment, suddenly feeling awkward by the question. it’s not that you don’t want her to (which, in theory, you should tell her no), but you’re hyperaware of the fact that the shampoo and conditioner she always used are still sitting there, untouched since the last time she used your bathroom.
there are parts of megan you’ve tried to hide away since the breakup, but for some reason, you couldn’t throw those away.
you nod in response, though, running a hand through your hair. “yeah, you’re kinda stinky.”
megan rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at you before disappearing inside the bathroom. you fall back into your desk chair, leaning your head back with a loud sigh. if there’s one thing about megan you know all too well, it's her impulsivity. whether that be a 3 am milkshake run or for you to stop the car because, “it’s so beautiful over here! we should explore!”
she always kept you on your toes, and being megan’s partner meant being prepared for anything and everything.
ever since the breakup, your life has become much quieter. you still find yourself struggling to get used to the routine of it all without someone asking you to go on a late-night drive just because the stars are pretty tonight.
once megan finishes her bedtime routine, she walks out of the bathroom in your shorts and hoodie and goes straight to your bed, climbing under the covers. you get up from your desk chair, suddenly realizing you either have to sleep on the floor or next to her.
the thought of sleeping beside megan again causes your hands to sweat, a heat creeping up your neck. you cautiously take a seat on the other side of the bed, trying to keep your composure as you look down at your ex.
when your eyes meet, you both suddenly smile at each other, as if for a second, you both have forgotten you were separated. there’s an elephant in the room, though. but neither of you has addressed it yet; instead, you're letting it loom in the corner silently, hoping no one acknowledges it.
megan pats the side next to her. “i won’t try anything, i promise. i know what you’re thinking, and i’d rather be the one to sleep on the floor if it really bothers you to sleep next to each other.”
you slowly lie down on your back next to her, still above the sheets. you shake your head at her. “you already got cozy, so i guess i have no other choice.”
“i’m sorry that you somehow have the comfiest bed ever. i was so excited to lie in it again,” she giggles, her whiskers forming slightly in her cheeks. you glance at her, and you can’t help but melt at the sight of her dimples.
there’s a bit of space between you two, a small gap that could easily be broken if either of you shifted the slightest bit. but then what would it mean to break that barrier? what would it mean to have her in your space again?
the bed shifts again as megan scoots closer to you. you quickly turn your gaze upward at your ceiling, trying to focus on the glow-in-the-dark stars in an attempt to ignore the chinese girl’s stare. after a few minutes, you hear megan speak, “can i ask you something?”
you glance at your clock and frown. it’s 3 am at this point, and the flight to D.C. is going to kick megan’s ass. but you nod with silent permission, regardless.
“what’s… what is she like?” megan’s voice is quiet, and you notice how it has become shaky.
you bite your lip, thinking about your response. you reply, “megan, i don’t really think we should–”
“i just wanna know,” she whispers. you feel her shift again, moving even closer to you. “i just wanna know how serious this is for you.”
finally, you take a deep breath and look at her. your breath hitches when your eyes meet, only millimeters apart. she looks at you expectantly, waiting for your answer. “what do you mean?”
“do you think you could fall in love with her?” you hold her gaze. despite the darkness, you can see her brown eyes shining. the way her lip trembles tells you she’s scared of what you might say– of the possibility that she may have been too late.
you shift onto your side to get a better look at megan, and you suddenly get deja vu, lying with her like this. there’s a heat in your cheeks, and you know she’s close enough to notice it. her question still lingers in the air, as if it’s the invisible barrier that separates you both. but, in some way, it does.
the love you have for megan is still alive; you can feel it in the way your heart skips a beat every time you see the girl– in person or in photos. the answer to megan’s question should be easy because there are a million reasons why you could fall in love with huh yunjin.
but as megan continues to stare at you, her eyes full of the same adoration she had for you at the beginning of your relationship, you aren’t sure what the honest answer would be.
suddenly, she turns onto her other side, no longer facing you. the breath you’ve been holding is finally released as you watch the girl nestle deeper into your bed. it’s her silent way of telling you not to answer. perhaps, she didn’t want to hear the answer as much as you didn't want to give one.
when you think it’s finally time to go to sleep, megan asks another question that nearly makes you fall out of bed. “can you hold me?”
you furrow your brows at her back. “what?”
“please?” her voice sounds so small, and it trembles with her plea. you continue to stare at megan’s form, fighting the urge to give in to her. but that familiar warmth comes back at the thought of having her in your arms again.
it’s the same feeling you had when you first met her, when she first spoke to you, saying the words that theoretically connect you both forever.
against all rational thought, you climb under the covers, scooting closer to Megan to wrap your arms around her. you feel her cuddle closer to your chest, her hands finding yours and lacing your fingers together. a feeling you haven’t felt in months starts to burn in your chest, and it’s almost unbearable as you hold Megan tighter in your arms. suddenly, it settles there, radiating warmly as you rest your head against her back, breathing her in.
it’s as if megan felt the same way because she speaks up again, “this is nice.”
you nod, swallowing a lump in your throat. “yeah… it is,” you whisper breathlessly.
there’s silence again between you two, and you feel your eyes start to become heavy, closing slowly before you hear her whisper, “i don't even know why i broke up with you.”
the words tumble out from your lips before you can stop them. “why did you, then?” you berate yourself silently, knowing your tone drips with a bit of bitterness. then again, after everything, you’re allowed to feel still angry toward your ex. it’s only natural for you to be so. but it’s not even anger at this point; you’re not really sure how you feel.
you feel the words on your skin burn, as if reminding you that they’re there, and they’re real, and that there’s still a part of you that believes they belong to megan. you close your eyes tightly as the tension in the room grows. you can hear the wheels in megan’s brain turning, trying to curate a response that could possibly help you understand clearly why she made that decision months ago.
“it felt easier to push you away,” she finally says after a while. you feel her shrug, tightening her hands around yours. she whispers, “i meant it when i said i wasn't ready to meet you.”
you feel tears forming in your eyes, but you breathe her in again, reminding yourself that she’s here right now, and she’s finally giving you a look into her head since the breakup.
megan continues, her voice trembling with every word, “when we met, i felt like a complete fucking mess.” she chuckles dryly and starts to play with your fingers. “at the time… it felt like no one really got me, you know? like, i was just the goofy ginger with dyslexia in katseye.”
you pull megan closer to you, remembering those rough days when she would come over to your dorm and pass off her low mood as just being exhausted. you knew the comments got to her, though; you knew how awful the internet was to her at the time.
she sighs and leans into your touch. “then we met, and i was so fucking excited that i finally got to meet you. and, for the first time in like, my entire life! i finally met someone who saw me for who i really was!” she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath.
“when all that stuff with ‘gnarly’ started, i was scared of it happening all over again, but then… it didn’t.” she smiles to herself, her eyes still closed. “people really started to notice me, y/n. they really loved me.”
suddenly, she turns over in your arms, facing you with tears in her eyes. your instincts tell you to wipe them away, but you feel frozen in place, looking at megan helplessly.
“everyone was starting to recognize how good i am. and it all happened so fast, and i just got so caught up in it all. all the love from everyone, celebrities starting to know my name, everything was too good to be true.” she shakes her head as her tears begin to fall onto your sheets. “but i was too fucking stupid to realize that i was losing you in the process.”
“megan–” you try to interrupt, but she buries her face into your chest, her arms wrapping around you tightly. her tears against your shirt silence you immediately.
“i kept thinking, “this is fine. they’ll be there because we’re soulmates,” megan tells you, her voice a bit muffled. “i'm so fucking stupid, y/n. i’m so fucking stupid, and i am so sorry,” her voice cracks as she grips the back of your shirt with her fists. “i regret it. and if it does end up not being me that the universe made for you, then i’m sorry to say it, but literally fuck destiny because it’s wrong.”
megan pulls away slightly to wipe her eyes with the sleeves of your hoodie and sniffles. “it’s wrong because i am never going to love someone as much as i love you,” she says hoarsely. you look at her, noticing your own tears have started to stream down your cheeks. she reaches out and gently wipes them away, a sad smile on her lips. “if i’m not your soulmate, then maybe my destiny is to love you from afar.”
“that’s not true, mei…” you whisper, leaning into her touch. she keeps her hand on your cheek and caresses your skin with the pad of her thumb.
she then shakes her head and looks at you as if she were falling in love with you all over again. “i'm always running back to you, y/n. that’s my destiny.”
when you wake up, it’s as if megan had never been there, and it was all a dream.
you try to push away the disappointment you feel when you realize she’s no longer in bed with you. there’s a longing inside of you, and you’re scared that feeling will always be for megan skiendiel. after allowing yourself a few minutes to feel empty inside, you finally sit up, knowing the day will continue despite how lost you are.
you blink a few times, trying to shake off the sleepiness in your eyes. when your eyes finally adjust to your surroundings, you notice how the shorts you allowed megan to borrow are now neatly folded and placed at the foot of your bed.
you look around, wondering if megan took the hoodie she wore with her to the airport.
then suddenly, your eyes fall onto your nightstand. sitting there is the picture of you and megan you hid away months ago at the bottom of your sock drawer. in front of it is a folded note that you end up grabbing and unfolding quickly to see its contents.
“i wanted a pair of socks, so i borrowed some.
sometimes, i think about going back to ginger. what do you think?
anyway. i come back in a week.
and i'll be running right to your doorstep.
always.
i love you.
-Mei.”
you place the note back onto your nightstand with a small smile. you angle the photo a bit, allowing it to face your bed before getting up to get ready for the day ahead.
you wonder what would happen when megan comes back from her trip.
you think about the note she left you on your nightstand two days ago, her words distracting you from the ones you should be paying attention to more at this point.
yunjin sits across from you at the coffee shop you two decided to study at, reading an article on her laptop for one of her classes as you continue playing catch-up with the classwork you’ve pushed aside the last few days to complete grading papers for dr. lee.
you find yourself shaking your head again, rereading the same paragraph for the nth time. you prop your chin up against your palm, sighing in irritation as you erase the work you’ve done so far. your eraser squeaks against your homework, and it causes yunjin to look at you with a raised brow. “are you okay?”
you wipe away the remnants of your eraser, sighing dramatically. “no, i’m so behind on one of my core classes.” you look at your laptop, trying to shovel the information from the article into your brain so you can finish at least one of your assignments. but the words begin to jumble together again, and you can feel your head spinning. yunjin reaches out and places her hand over yours, her thumb gently drawing circles against your skin.
“we can take a break if you want? i was starting to fall asleep…” yunjin giggles, and the sound makes you smile. you let out a sigh of relief at the opportunity to finally take a break, closing your laptop without any hesitation.
the korean girl suggests taking a stroll outside for a moment or two, telling you it could give you both the recharge you’re desperately needing. you agree with her words and follow her out the door, stretching your arms as the cool air hits your face. you’ve always been a big fan of the wintertime, but the change in seasons always meant one thing you dread the most: finals.
it’s been a tough quarter, probably the toughest you’ve had so far, and it didn’t help that your personal life was a mess the entire time. you let out a heavy sigh, taking a moment to relish in the bit of peace you’ve been craving for weeks now.
your eyes follow yunjin as she walks ahead of you, stopping suddenly to take a look at the sky. her soft smile, the way she cranes her neck to get a better view, sends your head into overdrive. she glances at you and her smile widens, her eyes crinkling at the sides. “you’re staring.”
you look away, your heart racing as you rub the back of your neck awkwardly. “so? what if i was?”
she smirks slightly, looking back up at the sky. “careful, y/n. i might start to think you see me as your real soulmate,” yunjin’s tone is light and teasing, but you sense something deeper in her words. she doesn’t show it, but you know it bothers her. this waiting game between you two– it must kill her.
you feel terrible for putting yunjin through this, unable to fully commit to her as her other half. for all you know, she is your soulmate, and you’re wasting the universe’s time. but that night with megan crosses your mind, and it has brought you back to square one. yunjin is perfect in every way possible, and, unfortunately, she has met you at an incredibly awful time.
you walk over to yunjin and stand beside her, looking at her with furrowed brows. “how are you so patient?”
“do you know how many times i’ve heard someone say that stupid word on my arm?” she chuckles, shaking her head. “this is the first time something actually came out of it. i wanna see it all the way through…”
yunjin looks at you, her brown eyes gleaming with hope. her hand brushes against your own and laces your fingers together. “even if it ends up being like all the other times… this is the closest i've ever been to finding my soulmate.”
a pang of guilt resonates within you at her words. it’s sick that the universe would do something like this to yunjin, and it makes you feel worse knowing that at this point, it’s ultimately up to you how this ends. dr. lee told you how the soul just knows, but it can’t be that easy, not when yunjin looks at you like that.
not when megan lives in the back of your mind constantly.
you hold yunjin’s gaze, desperate for your soul to start screaming. you wish the words on your skin did more than just be present on your arm. at this point, you’d do anything for the universe to give you a sign so this can all be over with.
whatever the answer is, you hope the stories from dr. lee’s class aren’t just fairy tales. that, despite the chaos, everyone gets the ending they deserve.
“you okay?” yunjin asks, tilting her head. you shake your head, trying to get your head straight again.
you nod, forcing a smile. “yeah. i'm just stressed, i guess.”
she squeezes your hand in silent understanding. “there’s a party tonight that i'm going to… it’s at the frat house my friend is a part of. you should go with me, you know, relieve some stress.”
something deep inside you tells you not to go. you told megan you’d call her tonight to talk about her performance. but yunjin’s smile as she waits for your response feels magnetic.
“yeah. i can make it.”
every time you think about megan that night, you pour yourself a drink, hoping it’ll make it stop.
but you’re on drink number six, and at this point, keeho and chaewon would have stopped you. they aren’t here, though, and yunjin knows nothing of your alcohol tolerance.
you try to ignore the ringing in your pocket as you stumble toward the kitchen for another drink. you forgot to tell megan you weren’t going to call her tonight, and you felt it was only appropriate to get another drink as the realization dawned on you.
you murmur apologies as you bump into strangers on your way, one of them you recognize as a student of dr. lee’s. there’s a slight panic in their eyes, hoping you don’t rat them out for underaged drinking, but you’re no snitch, and also, you’re more mortified at the fact you’ve been spotted out in the wild.
your usually calm and poised demeanor in the classroom counters your current state significantly— a mess, a disaster, a person who wants to be loved at the end of the day.
when you finally reach the kitchen, the fluorescent lighting immediately gives you a headache. you wince, grabbing the edge of the countertop to steady yourself.
a memory of megan flickers in the back of your mind. she sat on top of her countertop as you stood in between her legs, looking up at her as she rambled on and on about something stupid an interviewer said. her ginger hair was in a ponytail, swinging wildly as she expressed her annoyance with passion.
at some point, she looked down at you and smiled. her shoulders relaxed and her ponytail stilled as you stared at each other; in love, soulmates, the universe dancing with joy because they created a perfect match.
the memory disappears quickly as you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder.
it’s yunjin.
you look down at the counter, your head spinning. “i think i'm fucked up right now.” your words elicit a loud laugh from the girl— loud and full of life.
she squeezes your shoulder, then lets go. for a rare moment, she’s silent. you’re about to comment on it, but suddenly, she snakes her arms around your torso, pressing herself close to your back. the act of affection causes you to freeze, but you don’t push her away, allowing her into your space. you feel her rest her cheek against your back as she tightens her arms around you.
“you’re thinking about your ex,” she whispers, and your breath hitches. you keep your eyes on the counter, trying to come up with a reply, but lies would only come out of your mouth.
you turn around in her arms, leaning against the counter. yunjin looks up at you and whispers again, “what do you need right now, y/n?” she reaches up to cup your cheek, and you notice how her eyes flicker to your lips.
your favorite memory of megan was when she first showed up at your dorm. you opened the door and she immediately extended her arms out to you, holding what seemed to be a flower she must have picked from one of the gardens on campus. she looked at you with stars in her eyes, and her lip was curled into a nervous smile.
that image of megan disappears the moment yunjin’s lips find yours.
keeho steps inside the bathroom cautiously, a nervous smile on his lips as he crouches next to you, placing his hand on your back and rubbing it awkwardly as you continue sobbing, hunched over a toilet. “hey… you okay…?”
his question for some reason causes you to sob harder, shaking your head furiously. “out of everybody, they sent you in here?!”
keeho stops rubbing your back, glaring at you. he sighs and pats your back, retracting his hand so he doesn’t irritate you further. “chae would probably call you stupid for crying, yunjin has no idea how to handle you when you’re drunk and sad, so i guess I’m your best option at this point.”
he grimaces at the way you lay your cheek against the toilet seat, knowing you’ll regret that much later– if you remember any of this happening, that is. you continue to cry, sniffling as you reply, “i don’t even know why i’m sad, kee!” you hiccup and shake your head. “yunjin kissed me!” keeho’s eyes widen when you start sobbing again, immediately throwing his arms around you to provide some sort of comfort.
he places his hand on top of your head and takes a deep breath. “yeah… after seeing yunjin in person, i don’t really understand why either,” he scoffs, tilting his head so he can have a better look at you. “this is your chance to just… let things go with megan.”
you remove your head from the toilet seat, letting it fall against keeho’s chest as he holds you. “remember when we took soulmate theory 110 together?”
he places his chin on top of your head and nods, chuckling softly. “yeah, i don’t think we learned much in that class.”
you sniffle again, using your sleeve to wipe your nose. your head spins as you try to express yourself coherently, “we didn’t… i sure didn’t because maybe, it would’ve made all of this easier to figure out and deal with.” you push yourself away from him and shake your head, closing your eyes tightly in an attempt to stop the tears that keep falling.
you lean back clumsily, your back hitting the wall behind you. keeho reaches out and grabs your shoulders with wide eyes, making sure you keep sitting straight. he pulls away and watches you worriedly, even as you try to wave him off. “but now that i’m a fucking TA for the class… i feel like i still don’t know anything…”
you let the back of your head hit the wall, opening your eyes only to be met with the bright light of the bathroom. you squint as you quietly continue, “dr. lee says you just know. the stupid theory is that you’re supposed to just know when you meet your person, but i don’t fucking know anything!”
you bang your head against the wall again, clearly frustrated. keeho’s hand finds your knee, warm and gentle as you try to piece together your thoughts again.
“tell me how it felt when you met megan…” he whispers, rubbing your knee.
you open one of your eyes to peek at him, a brow raised. “you’re anti-megan… why do you care?”
keeho rolls his eyes. “just tell me. i haven’t met my soulmate yet, so i wouldn’t know how it feels. so… what’s it like?”
both of your eyes open, staring at him with a dazed look. words come out of your mouth, ones you can’t quite comprehend, but they come out without another thought. “it feels like you’re on fire. it’s like this pain in your chest. and it doesn’t go away.”
keeho frowns at your words. “that sounds fucking awful.”
“it is awful, it’s really, really fucking awful!” you laugh, a small smile forming on your lips as you continue to remember that feeling. you raise your hand to your chest as if the burning were still there, gripping your shirt, willing it to come back somehow. “it does go away, though, believe it or not. and then you’re just left with this like, warm, sunshine-y feeling. i can’t describe it. it’s like… like…”
your eyes fall onto your lap as you whisper, “it’s like you’re finally home after being away for a while. which is weird because you literally just met them that day. but, you’re home, somehow.”
your smile remains as you think about that night again with megan. the way your birthmark burned, how your chest felt like it was going to explode when you first looked in her direction. and that warmth– the warmth only megan skiendiel could provide.
“yunjin is nice, and she is just perfect in every way…”
keeho cuts in before you could finish your sentence. “but she doesn’t feel like home.”
you raise your head slowly to look at him. without another word, you nod. he extends his arms out to you, beckoning for you to come closer. your lips tremble as you crawl into his embrace, falling into him once he wraps his arms around you. a quiet sob escapes you, a realization dawning on you.
the theory is true. you know exactly who it is at the end of the day.
yunjin leans against the bathroom door, exhaling sharply at the sound of you sobbing in the bathroom, which is, thankfully, muffled by the music that’s playing loudly downstairs.
she managed to find your phone and saw keeho’s contact first. within minutes, he arrived with chaewon in tow. she looks over at chaewon, who sits on the floor with her back against the wall. yunjin wonders if it’s a good idea to approach your best friend, scared that the brunette may blame her for the state you’re currently in.
however, yunjin walks over to chaewon without a second thought, an unfamiliar burning in her chest becoming harder to ignore. she stands in front of her, unsure of what to say or do, especially when the other girl looks up at yunjin with a sharp look. despite that, yunjin knows chaewon is just worried about you.
you’ve talked about the korean girl so many times, how she manages to be so level-headed but short-tempered at the same time. you once called chaewon an unpredictable individual, and as yunjin keeps her gaze, she’s starting to understand your words a bit more.
the silence between them must have irritated chaewon, prompting her to speak up, “yes?”
yunjin ignores how her chest burns painfully when she hears the three-letter word come out of chaewon’s mouth. her brain short-circuits slightly, and she finds herself responding in her native tongue, “여기 자리 있어요?”
yunjin gestures to the empty spot on the floor with a sheepish smile. however, her smile falls as she notices chaewon’s expression visibly darkens. yunjin feels like she's on fire, and it grows as she watches chaewon stand up from the floor, crossing her arms. “say that again.” yunjin’s eyes widen at the command.
“what–?” chaewon groans, rubbing her face with her hands. she gestures wildly to yunjin, which only makes the ginger girl much more confused than before.
“say what you said again! god!” chaewon repeats, a bit exasperated. suddenly, she looks down at her feet and waits for yunjin.
the other girl is a bit bewildered, but she can’t help but feel less intimidated by chaewon, noticing their very obvious height difference up close. her “outburst” reminds yunjin of a baby lion. it’s as if she’s trying to assert control over the situation, and yunjin isn’t sure why she would need to.
she repeats herself anyway, making sure to enunciate, “여기 자리 있어요… in english it’s—“
shaewon waves her off and extends her arm, displaying her birthmark. “yeah, i know that.”
yunjin reads the characters on chaewon’s arm. her cheeks redden in realization, the fire in her chest growing even larger. she looks back at the girl but chaewon avoids her eyes. yunjin quickly extends her own arm out to her, wanting to place the final piece to the puzzle that somehow connects them. but chaewon pushes her arm away, shaking her head with a loud sigh.
“wait, but–” yunjin tries to show her again, but chaewon turns away from her, keeping her head down to hide the way her cheeks have turned a dark shade of pink.
“i don’t– i don’t have the energy to think about this right now!” yunjin takes a step back away from chaewon, not wanting to upset her even further. she feels her lip tremble at the thought that, once again, she is not wanted by someone who she thought would be her soulmate.
with everything that came with you, and getting her hopes up over and over again when someone says that stupid word on her arm, she doesn’t know why she continues to try so hard just to be loved.
she often wonders why the universe gave her such a common word, while many others receive complete phrases— words put together that make sense, even if they're in different languages. why does she only get to have a “yes?”
yunjin feels tears starting to form in her eyes as that familiar feeling begins to creep up to her chest: rejection.
but then, without looking back, chaewon passes her phone to yunjin. she speaks over her shoulder, her tone softer this time, “let’s talk about it when things aren’t this… crazy.”
a laugh mixed with nervousness and relief leaves yunjin’s lips as she quickly wipes her eyes and takes chaewon’s phone. she looks down at it and smiles gently when she sees the screen to put in her contact information.
“i’m gonna check on them and i’ll be back.” yunjin looks up and sees chaewon already making her way toward the bathroom you and keeho are currently occupying. she bites her lip and looks back down at chaewon’s phone, a comfortable warmth resonating throughout her body as she types in her number.
you slouch down in the desk chair, mindlessly clicking through the slides professor lee reads off to the students in his class. you wait for the pause, the cue to move on to the next point he wants to make. he explains his expectations for finals, how he will be critiquing the writing portion much harshly than previous assignments.
you’re relieved that you won’t have to grade them for him, but unfortunately, for the actual exam part, he has asked you to be the class’s proctor.
pieces of last night are scattered in your mind, and even as you try to put them together, none of it makes sense. you remember yunjin kissing you, and you kissing her back. you remember how you ran to the bathroom immediately because you felt your phone ringing in your pocket. when you checked your phone, there were several missed calls from megan.
at some point, you texted megan, telling her how you kissed yunjin.
there was silence on her end. she read the message, but never replied.
that’s when you started crying, you think.
you manage to tear your eyes away from the computer as you grab your phone from your book bag, stealthily, checking it for a brief moment. a frown spreads across your lips when you see that none of the notifications were from the person you wanted to speak to.
they’re all messages from yunjin, chaewon, and keeho, probably wanting to check on you after the storm you unleashed on them. you grimace as you put your phone back into your bag, zipping it up so you can continue helping dr. lee with his presentation.
when you hear him stop talking again, you’re about to click the mouse once more, but he calls out to you. “y/n, let’s stop here for a moment.” you straighten up in the chair at his words, your head whipping toward him with wide eyes.
you nod, confused over the sudden change in the class’s routine. before every lecture, dr. lee sends you an email with an overview of the topics he will be discussing. today, however, the email never came, and you assume it’s due to final exam season approaching– even professors fall victim to the inevitable burnout.
he takes a glance at you before returning his attention to the front, straightening out his glasses before leaning against the whiteboard behind him. he puts his hands in his pockets as he begins to speak, “i want to circle back to one of the readings we did last week.”
he turns around and grabs one of the dry-erase markers, uncapping it. you watch as he writes down the title of one of the passages he assigned, squinting when you realize it’s the short story dr. lee recommended to you. he speaks again, his voice louder, “who can tell me a small summary about this passage?”
he looks back at the class and unsurprisingly, no one raises their hand. you always find this type of silence awkward, praying that someone would be brave enough to at least take a stab at answering his question.
after a while, dr. lee shakes his head, but his easy-going smile remains. “it’s only been a week, guys, come on. don’t be surprised if a question pops up on the exam about this story.” he then glances at you and points, nodding in your direction. “y/n, can you help the class out?”
a groan nearly escapes your lips, but you manage to keep it in. you look at the class, who all have a nervous look in their eyes. you turn your attention back to dr. lee, a sigh leaving your lips.
“it was a short story where, in an alternate universe, the birthmarks of soulmates don’t exist…” he nods in approval and allows you to continue, “these two people find each other, and one of them was dedicated to finding love, while the other couldn’t care less.”
you take a deep breath, suddenly very aware of everyone’s eyes on you. “the one who didn’t care tries so hard to push the other away, but that person just won’t give up. they’re so determined to show them that they belong together.” dr. lee remains silent, wanting you to finish the story.
you glance at his students, quickly averting your eyes due to how intensely they seem to be listening to you. “and throughout the story, this person doesn’t leave the other’s side. and, it’s confusing to that person because they feel like the other is just wasting their time…”
“so, what happens in the end?” dr. lee asks. you stare at him quietly, clearing your throat before looking back at his class.
“the person who didn’t care much about love tells the other that they’ve been right the entire time– that they are in love with them, and the person who did care tells them that’s why they never gave up in the first place… i guess.” dr. lee shakes his head at your words.
he motions with his hands for you to continue as he says, “what did that person specifically say at the end of the story?” you raise an eyebrow at him, unsure of what was said exactly. but then, after a moment of thought, you remember.
“they said… “i’ve known it was you since the very beginning.” dr. lee smiles at you, turning back to the whiteboard. he writes the quote down on the board quickly, yet his handwriting is still legible. you watch as he circles the quote as if it were the most important point in the entire passage.
he then turns back around to face his students, who are now fully engaged in the conversation. there’s a sparkle in all of their eyes, the distress in them almost forgotten.
“finding your soulmate isn’t all about the birthmark on your arm, truth be told…” he chuckles, shaking his head. “the birthmark just makes it easier, and we’re all lucky to live in a world where we don’t have to play a game of chase our entire lives.”
“but finding your soulmate doesn’t mean life becomes better. it’s not going to rid you of your burdens; it won’t pay your rent.” the class laughs at his words, and you can’t help but chuckle as well.
you lean against the chair, crossing your arms as you continue to listen to dr. lee’s words. “and it certainly won't make you happy forever. life will continue to prove itself difficult,” his voice becomes serious again, “amongst all that struggle though… all the worst times that will occur… there is now a person in your life you can share it with.”
“the unfortunate part of having a soulmate is the fact that we are only human. a soulmate isn’t supposed to be perfect. they will still take all the blankets in the middle of the night, they’ll fight with you, if you’re one of the lucky few, they’ll be your complete opposite–” he shrugs, “just because you find your soulmate doesn’t mean the work to be with them is over.”
you uncross your arms, scooting closer to the edge of your seat as you find yourself also lost in dr. lee’s words. every word he says makes your skin burn– for some reason, you start to feel somewhat alive again.
“and we have to remember another thing about being human: we’re all still so temporary on this planet, and it’s a curse from the universe that death does not stop for anybody, not even for those who get to find their other half in this lifetime.” you notice how his voice begins to shake.
your eyes trail off to the picture on his desk as you continue to listen to his lesson. “there’s a risk involved once you finally find your person, and i know that it’s terrifying. but, i cannot emphasize enough how much time we don’t have not to take that risk. in my personal opinion, it’s worth all that pain… all the emotions that come with love and loss.”
your breath hitches at his words. your fingers begin to trace the letters on your arm gently, as if missing the burn that used to follow.
dr. lee then leans closer, whispering to the class, “here’s a secret that the universe will never tell you…” he takes a dramatic pause before speaking again, his voice louder and firmer, “another theory about soulmates is that you will always choose that person, over and over again, in every lifetime, in any shape or form, even without your birthmarks.”
he then looks at you and smiles, his voice quiet as if he were speaking to you, and only you, “so, don’t ignore what the universe has given you. if it’s there, fight for it. if you have to look back, do it.”
you’re tired, you’re exhausted, and you just want to crawl into bed.
dr. lee’s words weigh on you with every step you take toward your dorm. the exhaustion is to the point where you considered sleeping inside your car, not knowing if you’d be able to make the trek. any trace of sleepiness, however, fades away when you see megan standing at your door.
you blink a few times, wondering if your tired mind is playing tricks on you. however, there she is, looking back at you, as if she had been waiting there for hours for your arrival.
before you can speak, she takes a few steps toward you. they’re cautious, but determined. megan continues to look at you as if she were to look away; you’d disappear. “you kissed her,” she says, speaking so quickly that you almost miss what she says. you take a step back, not liking where this conversation was going.
“meg, you’re supposed to be in D.C. right now…”
“if she’s the one, then i won’t stop you from making that decision,” she tries to keep her voice calm, but you can tell by the way her brows are furrowed that she is doing everything she can to keep herself from falling apart. she takes another step forward, this time with more confidence. “but i had to come back and see you so you can tell it to my face.”
megan takes a deep breath and looks into your eyes. “i couldn’t handle another day wondering if this is it for us.”
you feel a tug at your heart as you reply, “mei—“
“i know i fucked up.” megan takes another step. “but, i don’t care about the shows, or how many people know my name— i don’t care anymore.” you don’t move a muscle as you allow her into your space. you stare at her, that burning in your chest intensifying as she whispers, “because i'm in love with you and i’d give everything up if it meant you’d come back, too.”
suddenly, she steps away from you, and there’s that pain in your chest again. it’s as if something inside of you is trying to claw its way out. It longs for megan to come back; it’s as if it needs her to come closer, to rip it out of its cage before it’s too late. “if you made your choice, then fine, but something inside me is always going to end up here, and it’s going to keep fighting to stay.”
you continue to stay silent, feeling frozen in place. it isn’t until you see her try to turn away from you when you finally react, grabbing her arm with the words that belong to you. your birthmark begins to burn as you touch her, but this time, you realize, it doesn’t hurt to feel this way.
“it’s you,” you whisper, tears brimming in your eyes as you look at megan. it feels like you’re on fire, and the smile she gives you makes the feeling grow tenfold.
you let go of her arm, gently letting your fingers trace her skin until you reach her hand, lacing your fingers together. the burning begins to subside, calming down to a warmth that feels like you’ve just arrived home after months of being away.
“it’s you,” you whisper again, squeezing her hand. megan’s lip trembles as she smiles, displaying the whiskers in her cheeks and the crinkle in her eyes.
she tugs at your hand, pulling you into a tight embrace. megan wraps her arms around your neck and buries her face in the crook of your neck. although muffled, you still hear her whisper back,
“it’s me.”
the stars aligned after being out of place. the universe found its rhythm again and began to dance above your heads. the sun shines brightly, but its warmth could never compare to what it feels like to be in megan skiendiel’s arms– to be megan skiendiel’s soulmate.
it was a relief to hear that, in the end, no one ended up getting their heart broken.
after chaewon and yunjin reveal their discovery to you, it took you by surprise, but it made sense nonetheless. chaewon scolded you for being so stupid to let someone like yunjin go, but thanked you despite her 30-minute crash-out.
keeho finds it rather disgusting to see both of his best friends in love and happy with their soulmate, but as always, you continue to tease him, telling him to “just be brave!”
your response always leads to something being thrown at your head, maybe even a playful swat at your shoulder.
as you waited for megan to finish rehearsal for the day, you decided to take a trip to yunjin’s favorite art museum. while walking around, you found yourself in her favorite gallery, and as you searched for her favorite painting, you saw dr. lee standing in front of it.
you’re not sure why it called to you all of a sudden, but seeing your professor there made you even more curious.
you walk up to dr. lee, standing next to him as he continues to stare at the painting. there’s a slight smile on his face as he greets you, “y/n, i didn’t realize you were an art lover as well.”
a chuckle escapes your lips as you look at the plaque, rereading the title of the painting. your heart aches again as you reply, “not particularly… but i always somehow come back to this painting… it’s powerful.”
he nods in agreement, briefly glancing at you before looking back at the artwork. “it’s very powerful, indeed.”
you both continue to stand in silence. after a few minutes, you speak again, “you know, the other girl who i thought could be my real soulmate? she took me here a few times… and she always comes to this painting.” you tilt your head at the painting, as if trying to find a secret message inside of it. “but, the last time we went, she asked a question that i still haven’t been able to stop thinking about.”
you look up at dr. lee, who continues to stare at the painting. he seems lost in it, but you present yunjin’s question to him anyway. “she asked, “where does all that love go?” and… i don’t know, i’ve been wondering the same thing. like, what do you even do now if your soulmate is just… gone?”
dr. lee remains silent for a moment, and you watch as his smile falters slightly. however, he remains composed as he responds quietly, “nowhere. the love stays right where they left it. years could pass, and the love would remain.” he blinks a few times, a deep breath escaping him. “it stays just as it was, waiting for the day it would burn once more.”
you nod, not wanting to press him further. you turn your attention back to the painting, admiring it silently with a new perspective as dr. lee stands by your side. from the corner of your eye, you watch as he clutches at his chest, gripping the material of his button-down.
without even asking, you know he’s on fire.
an: pt. 2 finally posted! that means up next is re-uploading my soulmate headcanons for all the other kats :) lmk what u guys think! i rlly hope u enjoyed reading this again, and if it's new to you, i hope u like how this soulmate universe is turning out! <3 -rylee
father john continues his sermon, his voice deep and booming throughout the cathedral. he tells everyone about the gift of life, how every second counts, and it shouldn’t be wasted in sin. it’s the same testament he begins the day with and for you, it doesn’t get any easier to sit through.
you feel your eyelids get heavier with every passing second, your head nodding off, begging for sleep. at some point, you succumb to your exhaustion and feel the bible in your hands slipping off your lap. however, you jump up in the pew, biting your lip to suppress a squeal when you feel a poke at your side.
you turn your head and see your best friend looking at you with amusement in her eyes. sophia looks back up at father john, pretending she didn’t just save you from getting reprimanded by sister jun again. you sit back in the pew, your shoulders slouched as you try to pay attention to the sermon once more.
you feel sophia slide something under your hands. without taking a glance, you smile.
your hand fiddles with the note, strategically placing it into your bible so you won’t get caught by any of the other sisters during the service. you unfold it quietly, sliding it into the spine so it looks like any other page amongst the others.
father john calls for a hymn and you and the other students stand up, opening their bibles to follow along. it was perfect timing and sophia knew that. she is always two steps ahead and it’s one of the many things you love about her. you look down and as everyone sings along, you read sophia’s words that were meant just for you and only ever you.
‘we should go to the river after school. meet me in the courtyard.
also, sister jun is going to ask you about bible study. tell her you’re meeting with me for tutoring or something. remember, i love you.
yours, forever <3’
you glance at sophia who is singing along. as she does, she looks back at you, her eyes glancing down at the note as if silently asking if you accept the invitation. you subtly nod, looking back up at the choir. without even seeing her face, you know she is smiling wide.
“did sister jun say anything to you?” you look up from your notebook at sophia’s question. she stands in front of your desk, holding out a can of your favorite beverage.
you take it from her with a grateful smile, opening it with a pop. you shake your head and take a sip from your drink. “no. i’ll talk to her right after school.” sophia nods, propping herself up on your desk. she sits with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap. you put a hand on her back and smile. “you’ve been spending too much time with me. you’re slouching,” you say in a teasing tone.
she immediately straightens up, fixing her collar in the process. she looks down at you, clicking her tongue as she reaches over to fix your tie. “it looks like you aren’t spending enough time with me. how does your tie always get like this in the middle of the day?”
you allow her to undo it for you, her eyes dark and focused as she slides it out from underneath your collar. your cheeks heat up when she gets closer to help you. “i oversleep in the mornings. try putting on a tie half-asleep every day… “ you murmur, taking another sip from your drink.
she finishes her knot, tightening it slightly and adjusting the tie to be straight amongst the buttons on your shirt. She tugs on it, causing you to smirk at her slightly. she smiles down at you, her bottom lip pulled back by her teeth.
your heart skips a beat at the way she looks at you.
sophia lets go of your tie, her hand moving to your face to push back a stray strand of hair that sticks to your forehead. she keeps her hand on top of your head as she whispers, “i love you, you know that right?” there’s an underlying meaning to her words that only you know how to decipher. it’s as if you two have come up with your own code that no one else is allowed to understand.
you look at her, your eyes twinkling. you whisper, “i love you too.”
once the break ends, you open your notebook to start taking notes. inside, you find a new neatly folded note. you glance over your shoulder, seeing sophia who is already looking at you, expectantly. you turn your eyes back to the front of the room, waiting for sister jun to turn her back so you can read what sophia has written for you.
as soon as she begins writing something new on the board, your fingers fiddle with the note, unfolding it without your eyes leaving the front. you quickly look down and you can’t help the smile that spreads across your face.
‘i love you. that’s all. i love you.
yours, forever. <3’
sophia stands in the courtyard, waiting patiently for you to come out of the building. she lights up when she sees you, relieved that you seem to still be in a good mood after speaking with sister jun. she walks up to you and grabs your hands, her thumbs caressing the healing scars on your knuckles.
to this day, she still doesn’t understand why sister jun is so hard on you. the students know of her strict rules and her strong devotion to God but sophia has never seen her so tough on someone until you transferred to the school.
she lets go of your hands, hooking an arm around yours to pull you close to her side. “it went well?” she questions, her eyes soft as she looks at you. you walk with her toward the front gate, allowing her to take the lead. you nod, keeping your eyes forward.
there is a small smirk tugging on your lips as you respond, “yeah. she was gonna blow a fuse though, i saw it. but then i told her i didn’t want to miss our study session and she let it go…” you turn your head to look at sophia, your eyes glinting with mischief.
sophia’s hold on you tightens as she furrows her brows with concern. “if you keep pushing her buttons, you won’t make it easy for yourself.” you scoff, shaking your head. her words were true though. you often gave sister jun hell but it was only fair for what she puts you through on a daily basis.
“what makes you think i wanna make it easy?”
sophia stops walking, letting go of your arm. she walks in front of you with her arms crossed and her expression serious. as you look at her, you can’t help but find her adorable like this. sophia is always so kind to the students at school. she is often praised for her leader-like personality, always taking initiative and having a way with words that charms everyone around her.
what you admire most about your best friend though is how humble she is. despite the fact her father is the sole reason why the school still stands, she does everything through her own hard work. she is truly an academic weapon and teachers think very highly of her. the sisters within the church would never admit it but everyone knew– sophia was their favorite.
but they don’t understand why she decided to become friends with someone like you. you’re nothing like sophia and your devotion to God is questioned by the members of the church.
your parents forced you to attend this school knowing it was one of the best in the new area you moved to. when you first transferred, you had no intentions of making new friends. the only thing you wanted from high school was the degree and move on with your life.
however, after a long and exhausting first day, you sat at your desk at home to read the passages assigned to you by sister jun. when you opened your bible, a note sat in between the pages. it was neatly folded and on the front was a red, lipstick mark. you curiously unfold it, being met with the prettiest handwriting you think you’ve ever seen.
‘my name is sophia. i sit behind you in class.
talk to me tomorrow. i think you’re really pretty. let’s be friends.
-S.L <3’
since then, you two have been inseparable, attached to the hip against all odds.
and now, she looks at you sternly. you know she is only looking out for you but there is only so much sophia could do. even her father doesn’t think very highly of you but his daughter is stubborn. if she wants something, she’ll get it. and she has told you and shown you how badly she wanted you.
your smirk remains on your face as she grabs your tie, pulling you closer toward her. she speaks with a slight annoyance in her tone, “i want it to be easy for you. how many times do i have to tell you that?”
you chuckle, shrugging your shoulders. “not sure, i guess we’ll have to see.” sophia lets go of your tie, turning around to walk away.
you follow her like you always do. she allows you to hold her hand as you two walk out the front gate. when you reach the river, she pulls you by your tie again, but not to speak to you. she lets her lips against yours tell you exactly how she feels. your hands on her hips respond wordlessly, pulling her closer to tell her that you understand completely.
when you get to school the next morning, you quickly walk to sophia’s locker as all the other students make their way to the cathedral for the morning sermon. you glance around the hallway, ensuring no one sees you as you work on the lock. once you get it open, you place the note you’ve written on top of her textbooks, closing it before anyone notices. you take a step back and sigh in relief.
when you turn to walk to the cathedral, you are met with sophia giving you a soft smile. you jump back a bit, surprised by her presence. you were sure she would have gone to the sermon by now knowing how punctual she usually is.
she tilts her head, pursing her lips to gesture at her locker that you were just “breaking” into. “are you insane? you could have gotten caught by one of the sisters.”
you grin at her, leaning your shoulder against the cold metal. you bring a finger to your lips as if to shush her, whispering, “i didn’t though, right?” sophia only rolls her eyes, grabbing your tie to pull you along with her toward the cathedral. you whine, “soph! i just fixed it before walking inside! you’re gonna loosen it again.”
she ignores you though, keeping her grip on the fabric. she teases, “maybe later.” her words cause your cheeks to burn, effectively silencing you from saying another word.
once arrivingl, she finally lets go. she turns around to face you, her hands immediately reaching up to your collar to fix it along with your tie. you murmur, “this is why it keeps getting messed up throughout the day, you know?” she pats your shoulders, looking up at you with a small smirk.
she surveys the area before quickly getting on her tippy toes, placing a soft kiss on your cheek before skipping inside. your cheeks burn even more, reaching up to wipe your skin just in case before meeting her inside for the long and boring morning sermon ahead.
although sophia’s family speaks highly of her academics and fully expects her to become a part of some sort of medical profession, you knew deep down what she wanted.
and that was to become a star.
she was an active member of the theatre club at school. she shone brightly on the stage, playing every role as if she were made for it. her mother was a famous actress so, of course, that in turn led sophia to follow the same path. you are always in awe whenever you watch sophia perform, going to every single one of her performances because you genuinely love watching your best friend do what she was born to do.
sophia loves seeing you in the audience but she especially loves when you volunteer your time to help build the set for the newest production being held at the school. she finds it endearing and secretly loves to watch you work so diligently along with the other backstage crew members.
after the morning sermon, sophia drags you to the auditorium, telling you that the rest of the theatre club will be there all day to practice and continue working on the set for their upcoming production of, “little shop of horrors.” you chuckle at her excitement as she talks your ear off about the latest gossip flying among her other theatre friends.
however, you stop for a second, realizing you were in fact not a part of theatre and that you definitely should be heading to class before sister jun unleashes her fury on you. sophia looks at you, concern in her eyes. “what’s wrong? did i say something?”
you squeeze her hand, shaking your head with a smile on your face. “soph. i’ve got class, remember? i’m not actually a part of theatre.” she rolls her eyes, tugging at your hand.
she speaks in a matter-of-fact tone, “come on, you’re basically a part of the family without the label. i’m sure it’ll be fine, i’ll just tell sister jun i made you skip class.” for some reason, despite your words from the day before, the thought of making sister jun angry again makes you feel anxious.
you know you should go to class for your sake but when you look at sophia, her brown eyes shining and somewhat pleading, you can’t find the words to say, “no.”
you allow sophia to continue dragging you toward the auditorium. when you walk inside, you feel her tugging on your tie, leading you backstage where no one seems to be. you look at her, her eyes telling you her intentions. you can’t help the smirk on your face as you nod, following her as if you were a martyr accepting their fate.
sister jun snaps the ruler against your knuckles. and she does it again. and again. and again.
it’s as if she believes your sins would seep out of your wounds.
when sister jun leaves the room, she slams the door shut. she leaves you alone at your desk, your knuckles bleeding and tears brimming your eyes due to the pain. in front of you sits your wide-open bible. the verse you repeated over and over again stares at you, tauntingly. your lips quiver as you read it over and over again, hoping maybe God’s words would begin to make more sense.
you don’t know how long you sit at your desk. you look up at the cross hung up at the front of the room and allow it to haunt you in silence, the ticking of the clock behind you being the only sound in the classroom. suddenly, the door creaks open once more and you close your eyes, your heart beating rapidly.
“hey…” sophia’s voice is quiet as she walks inside the room. she walks toward you slowly, crouching down next to you to analyze your hands. they were bloodied and bruised. scars that were still healing from the last time are now back at square one.
she grabs them carefully, mumbling an apology when she hears you wince slightly. her bottom lip quivers and you know it’s because she’s thinking this is all her fault. you open your eyes, glancing at sophia with a forced smile. you whisper, “could be worse.”
sophia shakes her head, still looking at your hands. she murmurs, “shouldn’t be happening at all…” you sigh in response. you lean forward, resting your forehead against the top of her head.
“come on. let me take care of you.”
you don’t respond and grip her hands with the strength you have left. when you don’t move, sophia lets go of your hands, reaching to your face to cup your cheeks. she shifts back slightly to get a better look at you forcing you to pick your head up. there’s a pained look in your eyes and you are desperately trying to hide it for her sake, but sophia knows you too well.
she leans forward, capturing your lips in a chaste kiss. your heart beats rapidly in your chest and you know you should pull away. you both were still in the school and anyone could walk in but you can’t bring yourself to care.
knowing sophia would love you this bravely despite the consequences, why would you pull away?
after a few minutes, sophia pulls away and caresses your cheeks with her thumbs. she whispers again, “i love you. i love you and i’m sorry.”
you feel tears forming in your eyes at her apology. you reach up to cup her cheeks as well, your voice cracking as you respond, “i’m sorry i love you too.”
a few days later after school, you find yourself volunteering once again with the set. your bandaged hands paint the background for one of the scenes in the show, blocking out all the chattering amongst the actors behind you as you focus on your work.
sometimes, you tune in for a second when you hear sophia’s voice amongst the chatter. her loud but genuine laugh rings in your ears causing you to smile every few seconds. at some point during their conversation, you overhear one of them asking sophia about her plans after graduation.
the event that is happening in only a few months.
you stop for a moment, listening to the conversation. you feel bad for eavesdropping, but you can’t help it. especially if it’s the girl you’ve been in love with for a year now. you hear sophia laugh again, her response casual, “going to college, you know, the usual.”
another one of the students spoke up, asking her, “are you gonna continue doing theatre?”
there’s a brief silence before sophia finally responds and you notice the tinge of sadness in her voice, “umm… we’ll see. i don’t think so since i’ll have to really focus on school, you know?”
the students express their disappointment toward her answer and it takes everything in you to not walk up to her to provide comfort. you know it’s a sore subject for sophia. you wish she had the ability to give her dreams priority but you knew she wouldn’t want to go behind her parents’ backs like that.
her parents being disappointed in her was the last thing she could ever want. sophia could be stubborn all she wants but when it came to school, there was no fight to give. she simply just had to do it and that’s all there is to it. the subject changes to one that always has you rolling your eyes when it’s brought up.
everyone’s love life.
you tune everyone out again once you hear one of the girls begin talking about how disastrous a date went the night before. you begin painting again, your interest no longer piqued. the conversation usually puts you in a sour mood when everyone begins to put the spotlight on sophia. her words are always the same, how she is waiting for the “right one” to come sweep her off her feet.
you always roll your eyes, a bitterness festering in the pit of your stomach. if it weren’t for you and sophia’s current circumstances, you’d tell the whole world sophia laforteza belonged to you. but unfortunately, she’s yours behind closed doors and it takes you convincing yourself every single day that’s enough.
but her answer today takes you by surprise. you miss the question that was asked but you hear sophia loudly announce, “i want a big family! i just want so many kids and have a big, happy family. that would literally be the dream.” her words knocked the wind out of you, effectively causing you to freeze and stop whatever you were doing.
you hear everyone tell her she will find the perfect husband one day, how she is so beautiful and any man would be lucky to have her. before you can stop yourself, you set the paintbrush in your hand down, quickly walking away. you make a beeline toward your bookbag, grabbing it and swinging it over your shoulder.
you’re not angry at her. you’re mostly angry at yourself. you’re angry that this is your reality.
sophia notices your absence. she looks toward the exit door and sees you leaving without a goodbye. she excuses herself from the group, worried. she quickly follows you out the door and into the hallway. “Where are you going?” you ignore her, making your way toward the front of the school. sophia quickly catches up to you and grabs your shoulder, pulling you back so you can look at her. she furrows her brow in confusion, “what’s wrong?”
you sigh exasperatedly, looking everywhere but sophia. you respond, “nothing. it’s nothing.” but sophia doesn’t take that as an answer.
she steps toward you, grabbing your wrist gently. she holds your chin, tilting your head so you’d look at her. she whispers, “tell me…” you look at sophia, your eyes glancing down at her lips. you glance back up and gaze into hers. her eyes are pleading as if giving you a confirmation to lean in and close the gap between the two of you.
you nod, leaning in, your eyes fluttering close. however, the sound of a door opening causes you both to jump away from each other. you’re once again brought back to reality. “i’ve gotta go.” you breathe out and before sophia can stop you again, you’re turning on your heel to quickly walk away.
you trudge into your room tiredly. your body is aching and you want nothing more than to sleep so you could just do it all over again.
you place your bookbag down, unzipping it. the least you could do is prepare for father john’s sermon in the morning. you pull out your bible, placing it on your desk before sitting down. you rack your brain to remember the verses you were supposed to review before tomorrow, but you only groan, your brain too fried to do anything.
you decide to open it, hoping if you scan the pages, you’ll be able to recognize what was written on the board before the bell rang. your bible opens immediately to not only the passage but to a note that was neatly tucked into its spine. you pull it out, wondering when sophia even had the chance to sneak it inside.
you unfold it, the bitterness you were feeling previously disappearing as you read the newest note.
‘once we graduate, we should run away together.
i think about it often. sometimes when we sit by the river,
i think about grabbing your hand and just leaving all of
this behind. would you run away with me? i think we’d
live a good life together. i love you.
yours, forever. <3’
you take a deep breath, feeling stupid for pushing sophia away. you fold the note again, placing it amongst the others that sit inside your desk drawer. you reach down to pull out a notebook and pen from your bookbag, ignoring your bible to write your response.
the next day, you find yourself lying on the ground, your arm wrapped around your torso in pain. you squeeze your eyes shut, preparing for another blow. sister jun towers over you, in her hands is a yardstick and the note you planned to slip inside sophia’s bible. you hear the yardstick clatter onto the floor and suddenly, you are being pulled to your feet by sister jun, her hand gripping your tie.
she forces you to look at her, shouting with venom in her words, “who was this note meant for?! i’m not going to ask you again.” but, you remain silent. you would take all the pain in the world if it meant sophia would be safe. you would do this over and over again if it meant sophia would live the life she deserves.
because you love her. you love her unapologetically, you love her knowing God frowns upon it.
sister jun throws you onto the ground, giving up on getting answers from you. you hear her walk toward the door and before she exits, she tells you something that sends a shiver down your spine.
“wait until father john reads this disgusting note.”
the next day at school, you hear whispers amongst your peers. they watch you as if you were the devil himself. your hands are bandaged and the bruises from the day before were evidence for everyone to know that what was being said was true.
during father john’s morning sermon, sophia sits three pews away from you.
she doesn’t look at you in class.
and she doesn’t wait for you in the courtyard. when you visit the river, she isn’t there.
it’s like this until graduation. your knuckles have healed well and it’s as if the bruises on your body were never there.
but at what cost?
after the festivities of graduation, sophia walks into her room and sees a small box sitting on her bed. her mother told her a gift would be waiting for her, telling her that a friend from theatre dropped it off. she tells her, “apparently, they’re leaving today to go to the united states.”
sophia walks over to her bed, confused by the present. none of her friends from theatre mentioned they would be going to the states for college. she picks it up carefully, trying to figure out who the culprit could be. sophia takes a deep breath, opening the present. she widens her eyes when she sees your tie neatly folded inside.
she takes it out, feeling tears springing to her eyes when she holds it in her hands. her fingers trace the fabric like she had done so many times before. she looks inside the box and sees a note neatly folded inside. sophia sits down on her bed, bracing herself for the words she is about to read. she takes out the note, unfolding it.
her hands shake as she reads it. when she finishes, she covers her mouth, trying to stifle her cries.
if God were listening, you’d be at her door. if he had any sympathy, you’d be there in her room with open arms. father john often talked about how life should not be lived in sin, but why do your words seem more convincing than anything he ever talked about? sophia’s tears fall onto the page as she grips it tightly in her hands. she rereads your note over and over again as the cross above her bed watches her silently.
‘i will love you wherever you go next.
i will love you when you find your soulmate.
i will love you when you start a big family,
with all the kids that will have your eyes and his.
i will love you even if it’s wrong to.
i will love you. i’m sorry i will always love you.
actually. i’m not sorry. i will never be sorry.
yours, forever. <3’
an: and... we're back! hi! it's been a rough couple of weeks lmao but we're gonna keep balling. anyway, this fic was one of my harder hitters and sparked a lot of conversation when i first posted it. remember, i'm always there for you and if any of you need anything, my inbox is open :))) i hope u all enjoyed!!! - rylee
something you will always love about daniela is the way she holds your hand.
before officially meeting her, you only ever saw her in the hallways. she was always followed by her friends from the cheer team, smiling widely and talking animatedly about something that happened the night before. she always walked past you at your locker. you would look up and for some reason, your eyes always locked with hers.
as if she had already been looking at you.
but that was impossible. you weren’t anyone special at your school.
so, you were surprised when she already knew your name when you introduced yourself to her during your shared chemistry class. her seat was assigned next to yours and although you were nervous to talk to her, you knew it would only be polite.
you held your hand out to her, a small smile on your face. “y/n l/n.” she looks at you, a bit amused by your formality. however, she humored you, taking your hand and shaking it.
“yeah, i know.”
the rest after that was history.
despite your incapability to understand the subject, it became your favorite class that year. daniela made it enjoyable with her quick wit and whispered jokes about the material. you both struggled together and eventually, you were going to her house every week to do homework or just hang out. she quickly became your best friend and vice versa.
she would excuse herself from her group of cheer friends to talk to you at your locker. she always waited for you to finish packing your stuff up after class. she often offered to give you ride homes which would turn into a last-minute invite to her home or yours. it was an unexpected friendship, and it was even more unexpected when you started falling for the latina.
you realized it on a random day after school. you stopped by your locker, grabbing the textbook you would need for homework and returning the ones you wouldn't need for the night. daniela came up to you, snaking her arms around your torso and pulling you close to her front.
she rested her head against your back, murmuring, “i don't wanna go to practice…” her statement made you chuckle. you closed your locker and leaned into the hug, cherishing the warmth the older girl provided. daniela holds you tighter and whispers, “i wish i could just hang out with you.”
her words made your cheeks flush. your heart rate picked up and you felt lightheaded when her perfume began to overwhelm your senses. you were hyperaware of the small circles her thumbs were tracing on your sides and just her presence was sending you over the edge. to your disappointment, she let go, sighing loudly and dramatically. you turned around to face your best friend and you felt your words get stuck in your throat.
her cheer uniform looked especially nice on her this day.
she got on her tippy toes, kissing your cheek before bouncing off to practice. you heard her yell over her shoulder. “i’ll come over after, okay?!”
you nodded, slightly dumbfounded and more fucked than usual.
it was a secret you kept to yourself for years and a secret it will continue as you sit with her on her back porch after her graduation festivities. daniela is finally done with high school and is now ready to start her new chapter. you try to give her your undivided attention as she excitedly talks about her dorm decor ideas but you can’t seem to find the strength to hear her words.
you know you should be happy for daniela but she’s leaving you in a few months to live an entirely different life than yours. she’s going to thrive while you stay stuck at your high school for another year.
you don’t notice when she goes suddenly quiet. you’re pulled out of your thoughts when she grabs one of your hands, squeezing them gently. you look into her eyes and see concern in them. she tilts her head, frowning slightly. “hey… you okay?”
you nod, shifting your body so you can have a better look at her. your shoulders touch and your knees bump into each other. you feel daniela fidget with one of the rings on your fingers, a habit of hers that you’ve picked up on. you place your other hand on top of hers, caressing it gently with your thumb. “of course. i’m happy for you.” she rolls her eyes, tilting her head even more to give you a look.
“you can be sad, you know?” she looks down at your connected hands and sighs. “i’m… kinda sad too.” you furrow your brows at her confession. you lean closer to her, a pout on your face as you squeeze her hand tightly.
“what? you just graduated, dani…” she looks up at you, her eyes glistening. your throat tightens at the realization that she is on the verge of crying. you immediately cup her face with your hand, your thumb caressing her cheek gently.
she leans into your touch, her eyes fluttering close as she lets out a shaky breath. she whispers, “everything is gonna change, isn’t it?” your heart drops at her words.
you know you should tell her the truth. deep down, you know she’s right. everything will change, it’s inevitable. but a part of you likes to believe she loves you enough to not allow your friendship to fade. you like to imagine that the distance wouldn’t matter and even if she did make new friends at her university, you’d still be her favorite person. but sometimes, not even love is enough.
you lean closer to the older girl, resting your forehead against hers. you let go of her cheek and raise your pinky in front of her. she giggles, bumping her nose against yours cutely. she links her pinky with yours and smiles widely, her dimples coming out after hiding all night. you whisper, “nothing. will change between us. okay?”
she nods, letting go of your pinky to pull you into a tight hug. she buries her face into your neck, her breath warm against your skin. her lips ghost over your neck as she murmurs, “okay.”
your hold on her becomes tighter as if scared this is the last time you'd ever get to have daniela in your arms.
but it isn’t the last time.
the last time is in her newly moved-in dorm room. she held you so tightly, her tears staining your shirt. she whispered against your chest, her voice breaking, “you can stay a little longer if you want. you can help me decorate…” your heart broke at her words. you knew if you stayed any longer, leaving would become much more difficult.
so, you pulled away. you kissed the top of her head. and you bid her farewell.
you thought, after this, there would be more opportunities to help her decorate. however, days turned into weeks without a word from her. suddenly, weeks turned into months.
and then your birthday passed and you foolishly hoped for at least a text.
then came graduation and pathetically, that was when you finally gave up on daniela avanzini altogether.
if it weren’t for the full-ride scholarship you got from the same university as daniela, you would have moved far away from georgia. but a full ride is a full ride— and a university campus is much larger than a high school’s.
after settling into your new space, you decide to take a stroll on the quad, needing to decompress after a very long day of traveling and moving. your headphones are on as you look around your new surroundings. you take your time, wanting to familiarize yourself with the campus you’ll come to learn for the next four years. you glance up at the sky, getting lost in the different shapes of the clouds.
you’re shaken out of your daydreams however when you accidentally bump into someone.
your eyes widen, your head snapping toward the person who had to become a victim of your recklessness. you open your mouth to apologize but when the person looks back at you, your words lodge in your throat.
it was daniela, in all her glory.
her hair is now blonde and you note how her hair isn't straightened, now full with her natural curls. she widens her eyes as if finally processing who was right in front of her. you can’t hear her, but you see her lips mouth your name.
you shove your hands in your pocket, keeping your head down as you walk past her hurriedly. you make your way back to your dorm, pretending the interaction never happened.
after that day, you’ve avoided walking anywhere on campus that was full of students. you know it’s ridiculous, but the thought of seeing daniela once more annoys you. thinking about the latina in general puts you in a bad mood.
since she cut contact with you, bitterness began to fester in the pit of your stomach. even though you knew it would happen, it still makes your heart ache when you think about that night after her graduation.
for someone who seemed so broken at the thought of losing you, of things changing, you would have thought maybe she would have put at least a bit of effort into keeping you around. but unfortunately, it was another thing you foolishly believed and you would be damned to allow yourself to do that again.
on the first day of class, you tiredly make your way to the science building on campus. you don’t understand what possessed you to sign up to take organic chemistry at 8:30 AM but here you were. you’ve heard horror stories about this class from your peers within your major. it was required for nursing and the thought of going through this class for a whole semester makes you want to switch what you’re studying entirely. but it was only the first day, how bad could it possibly be?
as soon as you walk into the classroom, it becomes one million times worse.
you immediately spot daniela sitting in the back of the classroom. she had her headphones on and her phone in her hands as she touched up her makeup. you grip the straps of your bookbag tightly, looking around for an open seat that is nowhere near her.
luckily for you, the class takes place in a mini-lecture hall. it’s not as big as your other intro classes, but compared to your english 101 classroom, this one had enough seats for you to choose from.
you decide on a spot a row away from the front, knowing it would be best to have daniela nowhere in your peripheral vision. you quickly sit down, unpacking your notebook and other materials to take notes. you lean back in your seat, taking a deep breath.
you try to compose yourself, closing your eyes to pretend that the girl who meant everything to you at some point wasn’t right behind you.
however, your attempt is futile when you hear a loud squeal at the front of the room. you open your eyes to see two girls standing at the entrance, waving enthusiastically. “DANI!” one of them yells, quickly walking to the latina with the other girl following right behind her.
you slouch in your seat. you came to college to escape high school and now here you are— getting a strange sense of deja vu.
once the class ends, you quickly stuff your belongings into your bookbag, zipping it up and throwing it onto your back. you leave the classroom with a huff, doing everything in your power to avoid seeing daniela or even hearing her voice.
questions run through your mind such as: why is she even taking orgo? she’s a dance major, why is she wasting her time? you shake your head, tears brimming your eyes as you continue walking to your dorm.
as soon as you walk into your space, you immediately throw your bookbag onto the floor. you run your hands through your hair frustratedly, the tears you’ve been holding in are now falling freely from your eyes. you pace your room for a moment, trying to gather your thoughts. you feel like you’re on the verge of a crashout and it has only been a day in college.
however, in the middle of your breakdown, a soft voice breaks you out of your head. “are you… like, good?” you turn your head toward the voice and your cheeks flare up in embarrassment. you forgot you are now sharing a space with someone.
“fuck. i’m sorry.” you manage to say. you sit down on your bed, looking down at your lap. you wipe your tears, not wanting your roommate to feel any pity for you. also, you only met megan a week ago and you didn’t want to give her the impression that you were always like this. if anything, this is the farthest from who you are, especially in front of people.
“no, really. are you okay?” you look up at megan, a forced smile on your face.
“yeah. i just– i just came back from my organic chemistry class…” megan nods at your response, taking it at face value. she closes her laptop, placing it at the foot of her bed. the ginger girl sits criss-crossed on her bed and gives you an apologetic smile.
“god i’ve heard that class fucking sucks,” she throws her head back dramatically, looking up at the ceiling. “i’d be in tears too. you were real for walking in like that.” her words make you laugh. you sniffle, wiping away the remaining tears on your cheeks. she looks at you again, tilting her head in curiosity. “you’re in nursing, right?”
you nod, rubbing the back of your neck anxiously. “yeah… i think i’m starting to regret it.”
she laughs and gets up from her bed. she walks over to you and gestures toward the door. “do you wanna get food with me and my friend? it could cheer you up.”
you’re grateful for the offer but you shake your head, looking down at your watch on your wrist. “that sounds awesome but unfortunately… i have like, 30 minutes to relax before my next class.”
“what’s your next class?” she asks.
you smile sheepishly at Megan, responding, “statistics.”
she widens her eyes. “dude, do you hate yourself?”
you sigh, flopping onto your back on your bed. “something like that, yeah.”
the worst thing about organic chemistry is that it’s not just a class– it’s also a lab.
the night before, your professor sent an email detailing lab expectations, assignments, and lab partners.
you look at the attachment on your laptop, scared to click on the ‘read more’ tab that contains your fate for the rest of the semester. you take a deep breath, clicking on it. it was now or never.
you slam your laptop shut. megan jumps at the sound, looking at you with wide eyes.
when you walk into the lab, you can’t help but roll your eyes when you see daniela sitting at one of the lab tables with the two other girls you saw from class. you feel your anxiety build as you walk toward the table, the grip on your bookbag straps tighten when daniela looks up and sees you. she smiles but you can tell it was forced. you look away, taking a seat across from her.
the girl next to you extends her hand, smiling widely. “hi! you must be y/n, i’m sophia.”
you take her hand, shaking it awkwardly. “nice to meet you…”
as soon as you let go, the other girl– who you assume to be manon, waves at you, giving you a friendly smile. “i’m manon and this–” she puts an arm around the latina, pulling her close to her side, “is daniela!”
daniela gives you an awkward smile and a wave of anger spreads throughout your body. you grip the hem of your shirt, trying to remain calm. you simply nod, forcing a smile as you look away to unpack the materials needed for today’s class.
the girls continue their conversation, loudly discussing their escapades from the night before. you try to keep your focus on your notebook but sophia taps your shoulder, grabbing your attention. “what’s your major, y/n?”
you clear your throat, your eyes still trained on your notebook as you respond, “nursing.”
you hear manon gasp. “wait! me and dani too!”
you look up, surprised. you look at daniela with a raised eyebrow. “really?”
manon nods her head excitedly. “yeah! we’re both sophomores right now in the program.” daniela looks at you and you can’t help but notice a tinge of sadness in her eyes. you ignore it, looking away again once you see the professor walk into the room.
“that’s cool.” you respond, trying to remain nonchalant. you feel daniela’s eyes still on you and you pretend it doesn’t bother you. it shouldn’t bother you– it’s been a year without the girl in your life and you managed to make it this far.
but hearing her voice again, seeing her right in front of you, it ignited something inside of you that you haven’t felt in so long. and maybe that’s what bothered you the most.
manon and sophia continue pestering you with questions as daniela sits silently. she nods along to whatever they ask, responding when she feels it’s right to.
you find the situation humorous. you and daniela were playing characters that didn’t know a single thing about each other. the person in front of you doesn’t know where your parents live. she has never seen the room you grew up in and she has no idea what you were like in high school.
the character you play brings you comfort. as you say your lines, you avoid her eyes, afraid you’ll mess up.
because she does know what your room looks like. she knows you still sleep with a night light.
the nursing building was not your favorite place to be in.
due to it only being your first year, you don't find yourself inside its old and intimidating walls very often. but when you do go, you’re always filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread.
nursing in general is very competitive– known for its difficult curriculum in the first two years solely to weed out the people who aren’t dedicated to the profession.
that’s why many professors suggest finding your, “people.” there’s no point in struggling on your own.
but unfortunately, you have come to find out that some nursing students aren’t the kindest individuals to be around. there’s a dog-eat-dog attitude amongst some of them, making alliances purely to benefit them in the long run.
classes have only been in session for two weeks now and there are already several rumors going around. it’s only a matter of time until your graduating class becomes a part of the rumor mill.
it’s a bunch of bullshit, you think. you’re grateful you never intended to make friends.
you make your way toward your foundations class, your headphones on to avoid being flagged down by a classmate. you walk to one of the elevators, pressing the “up” button.
you wait, your hands finding the straps of your bookbag to grip them tightly. when the elevator doors open, you grip them even tighter when you see daniela walk out. her eyes widen when she sees you.
“oh, hey…” she says awkwardly. you roll your eyes, pushing past her to go inside the elevator. however, she grabs your arm, tugging you back gently.
you breathe out, agitated as you turn around with a glare. you reach up to take your headphones off. “dude, what?”
daniela crosses her arms at your tone. she speaks, a slight irritation in her voice, “can you stop making this weird?” you give her an incredulous look. you gesture between the both of you, chuckling sarcastically.
“i genuinely want nothing to do with you, daniela.” your eyes look around the hallway, your expression in disbelief. you look back at her with a sharp look in your eyes as you point at her. “we aren’t friends and i’d like to keep it that way.”
she frowns at your words and uncrosses her arms. she gestures to you in exasperation, her eyes wide as she whispers loudly, “can’t you just! let it go, y/n? i mean, we’re in college now–“ you hold your hand up to halt her from saying anything further.
you speak harshly, “that literally doesn't mean anything.” you take a step away from her, your hands finding the straps of your bookbag again. you look at daniela with a cold expression, your tone low. “just because we’re in college now doesn’t erase what happened.”
you shake your head with a huff. You look down at your shoes as you continue, “we’re only lab partners. unless we’re in class, leave me the fuck alone.” you don’t give her the chance to respond. you turn away, your lip trembling and on the brink of tears as you walk toward the stairwell.
a week passes and daniela has been respecting your wishes.
for some reason, it hurts more like this. you were the one who told her to leave you alone. but then again, there was a time when daniela never left your side. you could push her away over and over again yet she stayed. her unwavering loyalty paired with your stubbornness was what allowed you to let your walls down in the first place. and now, you were both strangers.
you sit at your desk in your dorm, studying notes you took from your organic chemistry class to prepare for the lab that awaits you in two days. as you continue highlighting the most important parts, you begin to hear the fortnite loading screen on your roommate’s side of the dorm.
you turn around with a raised brow and an amused smile on your face. “megan?” she looks up from her Switch, eyes wide. she looks away, murmuring an apology as she turns down the volume. it only makes you laugh, shaking your head. “no, it’s okay. is that… fortnite?”
your familiarity with the game makes her eyes light up. she nods, looking at you with a wide smile. “dude, yeah! do you play?” you shrug your shoulders, leaning your shoulder against your desk chair.
“i used to. i don’t play anymore.” megan gets up from her bed, padding towards you with excitement. she crouches next to you and shows you her screen. your eyes glance at her current level on the game and you can’t help but snort, covering your mouth. “level 110?” the chinese girl quickly puts her switch down, looking away in embarrassment.
“wait– don’t judge me,” she brings her switch back up, pressing a button to indicate she is ready to start a match. she looks at you with a twinkle in her eyes. “take a break and watch me get a victory royale.”
you open your mouth to decline but as she gets put into a lobby, you can’t help but become distracted. you turn your head slightly to check the time on your laptop. “why the hell not? sure.” she lets out an excited squeal, looking back down at the screen to lock in.
you watch her with amusement in your eyes. something you’ve learned about megan in the last few weeks is that she is a very silly person.
you’ve never seen her open a single one of her textbooks and you always find her in bed, playing a video game on the tv, on her switch, or her laptop. sometimes you wonder if she ever actually went to class but then again, with your schedule being so packed, it would make sense for you to never see her anywhere else but at the dorm.
you watch megan land in the game and before her character can take a single step, they are taken out with a headshot. in the corner, you notice an achievement, congratulating her for being the first person out in the game.
you cover your mouth, trying to stifle your snickers. she groans, placing the switch in your lap. “i wanna watch you try.” you raise an eyebrow at her, taking another glance at the time. you jump when you feel megan poke at your side. “just take a break! there’s a gamer inside of you, i can feel it.” her words cause you to laugh loudly. you bite your lip, grabbing the switch to start a new match.
“i haven’t played since my junior year so don’t give me shit if i’m terrible.” she salutes you, leaning her head against your chair. you shift the switch so she can have a better view. finally, you are now in the game. when your character lands in a town, you begin to feel somewhat giddy.
as you move your character around, megan begins to engage you in a conversation. from the corner of your eye, you notice her playing with a lock of her hair. “so… how’s nursing?” you shrug at her question, your excitement increasing as you find a chest in the corner of the house your character is currently occupying.
“it’s… nursing.” you find yourself saying, moving your character into a completely different area. you continue looking for better weapons, not removing your focus from the screen.
you hear megan ask, “are you always this quiet?” her question causes you to look down at her briefly. she widens her eyes, raising her hands in quick defense. “ i mean like– you aren’t that quiet but, compared to me, you don’t talk much.” you nod at her words, chuckling.
you look back down at the screen, locking in once again. “i know i’m quiet, it’s okay. i just… don’t really like talking to people…” you trail off as someone attempts to shoot at you but you quickly turn your character, shooting at them until the game notifies you of their elimination. megan whispers a “nice,” under her breath. you keep moving forward, not wanting to get lost in the storm.
“why don’t you like talking to people?” you wrinkle your nose at both her question and the fact you got caught in the crossfire of someone else’s battle. you quickly retreat in the game, your heart rate picking up as you get hit multiple times. fortunately, you make it out alive and you let out a sigh of relief.
you realize you haven’t answered megan’s question, clearing your throat. “i just don’t really like making new friends.” you shoot another person, eliminating them as well. you smile small to yourself, noticing there are only 15 other people in the game.
megan grabs your shoulder and shakes you excitedly. “dude! what the fuck? you’re a liar! you are good at this game!” her words make you laugh loudly and before you can say anything, you are taken out by a sniper.
you two sit in silence as the screen displays your place in the match. megan covers her mouth and snorts. the sound causes you to lean forward, clutching your stomach as you laugh. you might not be open for friends, but megan could easily be given a pass.
you hand megan her switch back with a smile. “thanks for letting me play.” your roommate takes it from you, a silly smile on her face. you notice how her dimples are shaped like whiskers and her eyes form crescents as she continues smiling.
she tells you, “you know if you ever wanna make new friends, me and my friend lara don’t bite.” you chuckle, turning back around to look at your laptop.
“i’ll keep that in mind.”
the lab doesn’t go terribly. it actually goes a lot better than you had anticipated. you managed to work well with daniela, manon, and sophia. despite sophia and manon’s constant questions about you, you survived. and as soon as the lab finished, you were out the door, not sparing another glance at the group of girls.
once you get to your dorm, you are greeted by both your roommate and another girl sitting at megan’s desk. your roommate sits on the floor next to the other girl, her eyes lit up at your return. megan’s friend turns her head toward you and waves. “hey, you’re the roommate?” you nod, setting your stuff down on the ground.
“yeah, that’s me.” megan’s friend– who you assume to be lara, watches as you walk to your desk, sitting down in your chair. you reach for your nursing profession textbook, intending to study for an hour or two. but as you open it, you hear lara snort loudly. you look over at the girl with a raised eyebrow. “what?”
lara waves her hands dismissively, pursing her lips to contain her laughter. “i’m sorry, megan was literally just telling me how you were an academic weapon– going straight to work after class is crazy. i want your motivation…” you chuckle at her words. you lean back against your chair, crossing your arms.
you look back at your textbook with an embarrassed smile. “i don’t like feeling unprepared.” you quietly say, your cheeks burning even more. in high school, you were never on top of your assignments. each and every one of them was turned in with a lack of effort but you managed to keep a high gpa.
but once you settled on your major and did more research, you realized the summer before your first year, if you didn’t pick up the slack, you were going to crash and burn before your second semester even started.
you couldn’t tell if it was motivation or just the fear of falling behind.
or it could be the fear of not being good enough.
that one lingers in the back of your mind every other passing second.
megan’s laugh pulls you out of your thoughts. you look at her, a playful smile on your lips. “you’ve been talking shit about me?” you gently tease.
megan sticks her tongue out at you and lets out a dramatic sigh, tilting her head to the side. “no, lara was just asking where you were. and i told her you were out, “being an academic weapon.”’ she says the last part with air quotes, letting out a soft giggle at the same time.
you roll your eyes, turning your head toward lara with a small smile. she looks back at you, amused by the interaction between you and megan. she turns her head to look at megan, her eyes widening slightly. she grabs the shinese girl’s shoulder and covers her mouth. her words are stifled but you can still hear them through her hand. “you should invite them to the party tomorrow night!”
you narrow your eyes as megan looks at you, a familiar glint of excitement in her expression. she grabs lara’s arm and looks at her with a dimpled smile. “you might be onto something.” your roommate’s words cause you to wave your hands, dismissing the scheming that’s happening right in front of you.
“no, no. she isn’t. i’m not going anywhere…” megan groans dramatically. she crawls over to you, gets on her knees, and clasps her hands together. she pouts, giving you her best puppy dog eyes. you look at her with a deadpan expression. “megan, i am saying no.”
she pouts even more, leaning closer to you. “y/n! please? it’ll be fun! and you said you’d hang out with me this weekend…”
you shake your head, turning away from her to face your desk again. “i will but just not at a party.” you look back down at your textbook, trying to ignore the girl’s persistence.
however, megan doesn’t give up. she stays in the same position with the same expression. her eyes burn holes into the back of your skull and you are very hyperaware of the fact lara is now smirking at the both of you. you clench your fists, sighing loudly.
you throw your head back in defeat. “oh my god! fine! i get to leave whenever i want– even if that means i was only there for five minutes!” megan squeals, jumping to her feet. she wraps her arms around your neck excitedly and you roll your eyes when you hear lara’s laugh from the other side of the room.
the party is full of people you don’t know and you fear no amount of alcohol could make you enjoy yourself for even a second.
you stand with megan and lara in the kitchen, your eyes looking around the new environment anxiously. your hands tug at the hem of your shirt then rub your palms against the fabric. the music was too loud and the whole house smelled like cheap beer and sweaty frat boys.
when megan finishes making your drink, you take it from her quickly, chugging it. your roommate watches you with wide eyes. “damn, we just got here!”
once you finish your drink, you place the cup back down on the counter and glare at the chinese girl. “gotta get through this night somehow.” lara laughs at your words and pats you on the back.
“trust, you’ll have fun with us.” she extends her pinky toward you and you stare at it, hesitant to trust her promise. against any other rational thoughts though, you link your pinky with hers, rolling your eyes as the two girls pull you out of the kitchen and shove another cup into your hands.
against all odds, you have to admit, you were having fun with lara and megan.
you find an open couch to sit on, grateful that they follow your lead. they begin to tell you stories about their friendship and how they met in middle school. the conversation is mostly you listening in amusement as they bicker back and forth about how a story truly happened. you’d occasionally take sips from your cup, drinking it slower due to the light buzz you already feel in your head.
at some point, megan reveals herself to be a lightweight, leaning her head against lara’s shoulder and mumbling nonsensical things such as her stupid english 102 professor and how happy she is to have you and lara in her life.
you watch as lara pats her head gently, wrapping an arm around megan’s shoulders. “how is it always you the drunkest at the end of the night?” megan mumbles a response to lara’s question, wrapping her arms around the other girl’s torso.
the interaction causes you to look away, suddenly feeling jealous over their friendship. it reminds you of daniela and thinking about her changes your mood drastically. you raise your cup to your lips but realize it’s empty. you sigh, leaning forward to place your cup on the coffee table. you turn to lara and megan, a small smile on your face.
you stretch your arms. “i’m gonna go outside and get some fresh air.” you say, needing an escape. lara nods in understanding. she points at megan with a playful smile.
“i'll be here and babysit,” lara says and it causes megan to whine, insisting she isn’t a baby. you laugh, shaking your head at the antics of your roommate. you get up from the couch and navigate your way through the crowd to find the back door. once you find it, you quickly open it and step outside, the cold air sobering you slightly. you close the door behind you, taking a deep breath.
in the backyard, there’s an old swing set. your eyes light up and decide to take a seat on one of the swings, your hands instinctively wrapping around the swing’s chains. you look down at your feet as you sway back and forth, a lazy smile on your face.
the breeze feels cool against your skin and for a second, you feel at peace. your moment of silence is ruined when you hear footsteps coming toward you. your head snaps up to see the intruder and your eyes begin to narrow when you realize it’s daniela. you’re about to stand but daniela stops in her tracks, looking at you desperately.
“wait. don’t go,” she lets out a shaky breath and continues. “i just. can i at least sit with you?” you stare at her, keeping your guard up. a sigh escapes your lips as you look away from the latina. she takes it as an answer and continues walking, sitting down in the swing next to you.
you sit in silence, gripping the chains of the swing tightly. you feel overwhelmed by her presence, wanting to be alone for once. but for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to tell her that. so you keep your mouth shut, your eyes finding the ground again.
she breaks the silence despite your building irritation. “parties are your thing now?” you purse your lips at her accusatory tone, your grip on the chains becoming even tighter.
“what if they are? you wouldn’t know.” your tone is harsh and you can feel a lump beginning to form in your throat. that bitterness you’ve been feeling the last few weeks intensifies, eating away at you as daniela continues trying to engage you in a conversation.
“i literally had to fight you to get you to come with me to a party in high school…” her voice is soft as she speaks, her words a bit slurred. your jaw tightens as you try to push down your emotions. you don’t want to reminisce about high school– especially with daniela. you close your eyes as you hear her talk again. “i can’t imagine you liking them now, i mean, you always–”
suddenly, something snaps inside you. the ugly feeling is finally being released as you speak, “you don’t even know me, daniela. you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” your knuckles turn white as you grip the swings. there are tears in your eyes but you keep yourself composed.
your voice is steady as you continue, “you don’t fucking know who i am anymore.” you stand up, turning around to face daniela for the first time since she sat down with you. you point at her as if accusing her of a crime. “so stop pretending you do! i told you to leave me alone!” you yell at her frustratedly. your hand falls back to your side as you breathe heavily.
you take her silence as an answer, turning around to walk away from daniela, to give her a taste of her own medicine. however, her next words cause you to stop, knocking the wind right out of you.
“i can get to know you again then!” she yells. you turn around, your eyes wide in surprise. she is now standing and there is a look of determination in her eyes. she takes a few steps forward and you make a move to step back but you can’t help but feel frozen in place. once she is only a few feet away from you, she speaks softly, “i got to know you once. i can do it again.”
you stare at each other, the silence deafening. your voice shakes as you finally respond. “my friends are waiting for me inside.”
daniela steps closer to you as if challenging you. she nods. “okay.”
you don’t move though. you stay where you are.
you nod, whispering, “okay.”
the way she interacts with you changes slightly.
you can tell she’s holding back as if scared of doing something wrong. but you also wonder if it’s also the influence of manon and sophia and the other nursing students.
apparently, you’re not very liked. what the reason is, you aren’t sure. you deduce it’s because of your attitude
it’s not that you weren’t kind, but you also weren’t making much of an effort to get to know your peers within your major. you found it quite useless– if everyone was against each other then what was the point altogether?
you’re already against the idea of making real friends, why would you make fake ones just to get through your program? that sounds like a recipe for disaster that you simply don’t have the energy to spend on.
every time you walk into the nursing building, you find everyone in their respective groups, either studying for the next exam or discussing the latest gossip amongst the major.
so far this semester, only a few classmates have asked you to join their study group– including manon and daniela. but you always declined.
it’s nothing against them (well, except daniela), you were never the type to study in a group. you like working alone. it was quiet and you didn’t have to take off your headphones every ten seconds just to hear what someone said. group projects were always a weakness of yours and that is one of the few reasons why you hated your organic chemistry lab.
and so, studying at the library is meant to be a solo activity for you. however, daniela comes to join you randomly one day. she doesn’t ask, simply sitting in the chair across from you and setting her bag in the other chair next to her. you narrow your eyes at her. “hello?”
daniela looks at you with a small smile and waves. “i saw you in here and decided to join.” you roll your eyes, looking back at your laptop screen.
you subtly watch as she unpacks her things, taking out her laptop and notebook. she pulls out her glasses case from the front pocket and you feel your heart skip a beat.
you’ve always liked daniela with her glasses on. she always wore them during your shared chemistry class in high school and for some reason, it always distracted you. you think about the days when you’d lay with her in bed, her glasses on, as you both read a book together.
well, it was her mostly reading the book, you always fell asleep in the middle of a paragraph.
after a few minutes, daniela gets up from her seat and looks at you expectantly. you look up at her with a raised eyebrow. “i’m getting coffee. you want one?” she asks and you want to say no. but after spending so long already inside the library and nowhere near close to stopping, you sigh, nodding your head.
“yeah… actually, can you get me a—“ before you can finish, she’s already turning around, walking to the small cafe that’s inside the building.
you stare at her back, your brows furrowed. you let out a sigh, tearing your eyes away from the latina to continue studying for your exam. you’re in the middle of one of your readings when daniela comes back, setting your coffee next to you on the table. you briefly look at the writing on the cup, not registering it completely. once you realize though, you take a double take, grabbing the cup to get a better look.
you feel your cheeks burn as you look up at daniela with a surprised look in your eyes. “you… remember my coffee order.” it’s supposed to be a question, but it comes out more like a statement.
a statement that confirms daniela still remembers the little things about you and a statement that shows that maybe you didn’t change as much as you thought you did since high school. the latina looks at you, a twinkle of hope in her eyes that aggravated you but also made your heart race at the exact same time.
“of course i do.” she whispers, looking back down at her notebook. you notice how she bites her lip, trying to contain her smile. you narrow your eyes, looking everywhere but at daniela.
you cross your arms and scoff. “why though?” you ask, looking down at your lap. your hands clutch at the sleeves of your sweater, gripping it tightly as you prepare to hear her answer. she’s silent for a moment and you begin to bite your lip, scared that you may have offended her in some way.
even though it annoys you that she is trying to sneak her way back into your life, a small part of you is hopeful that she will succeed. as pathetic as it may sound– daniela was your person. and maybe, she still is.
you hear daniela sigh. “i don’t think you just forget those types of things, you know?” you grip your sweater tighter. your jaw tightens as you keep your eyes on your lap.
you want to ask if she got an iced vanilla latte with almond milk. you want to ask her why she changed her major. you want to ask her why she stopped talking to you, why she didn’t want to be your friend anymore after she left.
you almost tell her that, for the first time in your life, the loneliness after she left killed you.
instead, you shrug your shoulders. you return your attention to your laptop, shaking your head. “i forgot a lot of that stuff, to be honest.”
after that day in the library, daniela joins you often. she brings you a coffee every time and never disturbs you, just settling for sitting with you at the table. you both talk sometimes, usually about orgo, but it has never gone deeper than that. you can tell she isn’t trying to push you and although you’re grateful, you still can’t help but keep your guard up.
while playing a game with megan, you feel your phone vibrate against your leg. you glance at your phone, your eyes widening in surprise to see a text message from the latina. megan looks at you curiously, pausing the game. “what’s up?” you look away from your phone, shaking your head at your roommate.
“it’s nothing,” you say quietly. you turn your attention back toward the tv, sitting up straighter. your hands grip the controller in your lap tightly, wondering what Daniela could have possibly said to you.
megan reaches out, placing a hesitant hand on your shoulder. “you can… talk about it.”
you turn your attention back to megan, a faux smile on your lips. “it’s really stupid dude, trust me.” but she doesn’t give up, waiting patiently for you to open up. another thing you have found yourself liking about megan is her patience. she might be impulsive and rather reckless in her actions, but she knows when to be serious.
you groan. you knew this would have to come up eventually, especially due to your growing close friendship with your roommate. but, you’ve never talked about daniela.
friends from high school often asked you about her and you always lied, not wanting to tell them the truth. you thought saying it out loud would make it real– the fact she was gone and left without even saying a proper goodbye. it was a conversation you jumped through hurdles to avoid.
you look away from megan, not wanting to look her in the eyes as you confide in her, “there’s a girl in the nursing program…” megan lets out a loud “oooh” at your words and it causes you to scoff, waving her off. “not like that! just–” you rub your face with your hands, struggling to let the words leave your mouth.
your hands cover your face as you say, “there’s a girl in my program that i was best friends with in high school, and now… we’re like. not that anymore?” you uncover your face, crossing your arms. you continue, keeping your eyes on your lap. “and she’s trying to be my friend again but it’s… fucking scary.”
megan scoots closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. she rubs your arm comfortingly and asks, “what about it is scary?”
you let out a breathy chuckle, shaking your head. you respond, “i don’t know. maybe getting hurt again?”
your roommate leans her head against your shoulder. she whispers, “was she like. your lara?”
you glance at megan, your eyebrows raised. before you can stop yourself, the words tumble from your mouth, “are you in love with lara?”
your question causes Megan to widen her eyes, sitting up straight. she shakes her head frantically. “wait– oh my god, you’re in love with this person? that is not what i was trying to say.”
your admission causes you to widen your own eyes, your cheeks flaring in embarrassment. you look away and try to backtrack. “no, no! i mean– fuck.” you throw your head, groaning. “fuck. like. i guess? i don’t know, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
your roommate frowns at your words. she leans her head back against your shoulder and sighs. “it totally matters. especially if she wants to be a part of your life again…” she continues, her voice soft, “it’s up to you but… i’d keep my walls up. if she hurt you once, then you make her work for it.” you nod at megan’s words.
make her work for it.
you let it linger for a moment before shrugging megan off of you and pushing her away. you give her a small smile as you wave your controller in front of her face.
“can we keep playing, please? i still need plates.” your roommate gapes at you, swatting your shoulder playfully.
“y/n! i’ve been asking you to bring me my fucking bread for the last five minutes, are you joking?!” you place your controller down next to your phone, the text message from daniela long forgotten as you begin to argue with megan over the video game.
another week passes and you sit outside the lab classroom. your knees tucked under your chin with your arms wrapped around your legs. you take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to ground yourself. your brain felt like mush and none of the material made sense.
after you argued with Sophia over the calculations, you stormed out of the classroom, slamming the door shut behind you.
it’s fucking overwhelming. everything is so overwhelming.
you sit there in silence, a crushing weight on your shoulders. you know this feeling all too well, yet it still hasn’t become easier to manage. you know it isn’t that deep— everyone else was struggling with the lab instructions.
the argument with sophia was unnecessary but her constant questions and pestering made you go insane. in high school, this wouldn't have phased you. you would have shrugged it off and took the c. but for some reason, this meant so much to you.
if you didn't do well in orgo, then what would that mean for the next three years?
the thought makes you hug your legs tighter. you feel tears brimming your eyes as you let out a shaky breath. you wonder if this was a sign that maybe– maybe you made a mistake.
you hear the lab classroom door open but you don’t pay attention to it. you assume it’s your professor checking on you. however, the person sits down next to you on the floor. you glance over, seeing daniela’s manicured nails. you sigh, your irritation building.
you close your eyes again, suddenly feeling exhausted. you two sit in silence for a moment, as if waiting to see who will speak up first.
suddenly, you feel daniela’s hand grab yours, causing you to open your eyes. you narrow them, attempting to pull your hand away from her grasp but she holds onto you tightly. you open your mouth to say something but she speaks first.
“squeeze my hand.” her voice is so quiet that you almost don’t hear her. she looks at you softly, her brows furrowed. she whispers again, “squeeze my hand. i don’t care.” you glare at her as your tears begin to spill from your eyes.
you feel them roll against your cheek and without even thinking, you grip her hand tightly. you whisper, your tone harsh, “fuck you, daniela.” she doesn’t flinch at your words. you feel her thumb caressing the back of your hand.
“you can squeeze tighter.” and you do, your grip getting tighter around her hand. you close your eyes, shaking your head frantically. you use your free hand to wipe your eyes, but the tears continue falling.
your shoulders begin to shake as you give up, crying freely. your voice breaks as you speak bitterly, “i hate you so much. i hate you.”
she lets you grip her hand tightly as she responds, "i know.”
“i’m so fucking mad at you for leaving.”
she responds again, keeping the same soft tone. “i know. mi amor, i know.”
“you were supposed to be my best friend.” you cry, finally looking up at her. the pain in your eyes is evident as you continue, “you were my best friend and you left me! you made me promise nothing would change but you went and did that bullshit!” you feel as though you were crushing her hand but daniela doesn’t show it.
she looks at you, her own eyes glistening. she whispers, “i’m here now, right?” your lip quivers at her words.
your voice cracks as you respond, “don’t do this to me right now. don’t.”
“then tell me to leave.” you stare at her, your eyes challenging her. she keeps your gaze, her tears falling from her eyes.
you pull her into a tight hug, sobbing loudly as daniela holds you. you can’t help but feel familiar with this warmth as if it’s home.
you wonder if this is home
the next day, she shows up at the library and joins you at one of the tables. she sets her stuff down, turning away to go to the cafe but you lean over the table, grabbing the Latina’s wrist. “daniela.” she looks at you and your breath catches in your throat.
her eyes have always been so mesmerizing to you. daniela is captivating, catching the eyes of everyone around her. it always surprised you when she always sought you out amongst crowds of people in high school. it was surprising, but also made you feel so god-damned lucky.
“i got you an iced vanilla latte with almond milk.” you say it quickly, but daniela hears every word. she looks down at the table and sees the coffee cup sitting on the table. she looks back at you with a dimpled smile.
you whisper, “you don’t forget those types of things, you know?” she nods, looking into your eyes.
“i know.”
it’s been a month since you decided to make peace with daniela.
although you were still guarded, it was a nice change to have daniela back in your life. it felt as though nothing had changed. conversations were still easy, her energy still had an effect on you. seeing her in a room full of people made you light up, your heart racing. she smiles at you and your fists immediately unclench.
slowly, the guard you had came tumbling down. and the latina was now officially back in your life.
after being so used to her absence, it ends up becoming something you have to adjust to.
you are currently at a house party with megan and lara. you three stand in an empty hallway, red solo cups in your hands. lara talks loudly about a girl she saw in the dining hall, distraught over the fact she may have lost her chance with the “goddess on campus.”
you listen to her, occasionally taking sips from your cup with an amused smile. suddenly, megan’s eyes widen and she grabs your shoulder, shaking you frantically. “do you remember that girl from my biology class I was talking about?”
you nod, even though you have no earthly idea what she is talking about. she begins talking about the girl from bio, her hand still on your shoulder. whenever her voice gets louder, she tugs at your shirt and every time you stumble slightly.
megan’s enthusiasm always amuses you. she is sunshine and everything good, and you can’t help but think you are the complete opposite. megan as your roommate didn’t make sense, but you couldn’t think of anyone else you would rather share a space with. she always manages to cheer you up with her stupid jokes and incessant need to play a video game together.
her constant rambling keeps you up most nights, but she knows you don’t mind. something you like the most about megan is that she never pushes you. becoming her friend was natural, and it was at your own comfortable pace.
if you had to go to bed early, she would put her headphones on so her games wouldn’t disturb you. you feel lucky to have megan as your roommate and you hope she feels the same way. and with the way she always looks at you while she talks, making sure you’re still listening, she probably does.
from the corner of your eye, you see daniela walk by with sophia and manon. you briefly look away from megan, your breath catching in your throat when you see the latina. she wears a short, strapless black dress with heels to match. her curls bounced with every step she took and you couldn’t take your eyes off her.
she is always a sight to see but every time she planned to go out? you really were no better than a man.
your thoughts make your cheeks flush, forcing yourself to tear your gaze away from the older girl. you look back at megan who is still talking at 100 words per minute. you lean against the wall behind you, taking a deep breath.
lara notices your slight change in demeanor and tilts her head at you, her eyes furrowing in concern. “are you good, y/n?” your eyes widen at her question. you attempt to hide your blush by taking another sip from your cup.
you pull the cup away from your lips and look inside of it. it’s empty and the desire for a refill overwhelms you. you look back up at lara with a small, forced smile. “yeah, my cup is just empty.” you flip it over, shaking it with emphasis and it causes lara to laugh and shake her head.
megan looks up at you, her eyes slightly glazed and sparkling. she finally lets go of your shoulder and takes a step away from you. “i’ll come with you to get another!” she grabs your hand without waiting for an answer. she turns her head toward lara with a lopsided smile. “do you need another?” the indian girl shakes her head, giggling.
“nah, i saw a friend from class just walk in so i’m gonna say hi real quick.” you and megan nod, waving goodbye to lara before your roommate pulls you with her toward the kitchen.
her hold on your hand is tight as she navigates through the crowd of people. she moves so quickly that you almost walk past someone calling your name. you turn your head, stopping in your tracks when you see daniela walking toward you. megan walks up to you with a curious look in her eyes. your hands remain connected when daniela finally catches up to you.
she reaches out, placing a hand on your shoulder. “hey! i didn’t know you were gonna be here!” she looks past you and sees megan. daniela tilts her head, looking down at your hands.
you notice how she bites her lip and looks back at you, her eyes narrowed. “who’s your friend?” for some reason, the tone in her voice sends shivers down your spine. you look at Megan, then back at daniela, a soft smile on your face.
“this is megan, she’s my roommate.” megan waves, her enthusiasm present.
daniela waves back to her with less excitement, responding, “i’m daniela.” you stand awkwardly between the two girls. it feels like your worlds are colliding and it gives you an uneasy feeling in your stomach.
you feel megan tug at your hand and you look back at her, your eyes softening when you spot her whiskered dimples. “can we get our drinks, please?” she continues tugging at your arm and you smile gently, looking back at daniela who does not look too happy.
“can i join you guys? i need another drink too.” the latina says. you nod, and before you can process it, daniela walks ahead of you and megan, grabbing your hand and pulling you away from megan’s grasp.
you look over your shoulder, relieved to see megan isn’t affected by daniela’s cold demeanor. she follows behind, the happiness evident on her face. you turn away and allow the older girl to lead the way.
once you’re in the kitchen, daniela lets go of your hand. you look back at megan and notice she got distracted on the way. she’s talking to someone you aren’t familiar with and you wonder if it’s someone she knows or she became friends with on the spot. you call out to her, feeling a bit weary at the thought of megan not being close by.
the chinese girl looks over and smiles widely, she points at the person. “friend from class!” you sigh in relief and nod, giving her a thumbs up. you turn away to face daniela but her back is turned. she’s at the counter making herself a drink and you eye the heavy pour of liquor in her cup.
you walk over, your nose crinkled slightly. “someone wants to have fun tonight.”
she rolls her eyes at you, taking a sip. she grimaces at the taste and hands the cup to you. “trying to have fun at least.”
you raise an eyebrow at her, taking the cup from her hands. “you aren’t having fun?” you take a sip and the alcohol immediately burns your throat. you cough loudly, handing the drink back to the latina. “jesus– are we having fun or blacking out?” daniela laughs at your words, shrugging her shoulders playfully.
she is about to say something back but megan inserts herself in between the two of you, grabbing one of the cups on the counter to make a drink. you briefly look at daniela who has a slight scowl on her lips. you can’t help but wonder what her problem is.
the thought doesn’t dwell on you for too long because megan tugs at your shirt, getting your attention. you look down at your roommate and she shoves a cup into your hands, giggling. “that one is yours. taste it.” when it comes to megan and mixology, you aren’t very trusting.
you take a sip and you’re taken aback by how strong it is. megan looks up at you, her brown eyes big and hopeful as you hide your grimace, not wanting her to feel bad. “not bad, meiyokie.” she beams at you, grabbing her cup from the counter.
“i’m gonna go talk to that friend from earlier! text me if you need anything, okay?” you nod and she hugs you quickly. before she leaves, she leans close to your ear and whispers, “yeah, i can understand why you aren’t over her.”
you push her away, giving her a quick glare. megan only laughs, waving goodbye, and leaves you and daniela alone in the kitchen. you turn your head back to daniela who still stands with an unhappy expression on her face. her demeanor causes you to sigh, placing your cup down on the counter.
you cross your arms and look at daniela incredulously. “she’s really nice, you know?” the latina scoffs at your words, bringing her cup up to her lips.
after she takes a sip, she places it on the counter and leans against it. she avoids your eyes as she responds, “i never said she wasn’t.” you roll your eyes, leaning against the counter as well. you’re very aware of the fact your shoulders were touching but with how buzzed you feel, you can’t bring yourself to care about the proximity. you look down at her, a teasing smile on your face.
you bump your shoulder into hers, your arms still crossed. “it feels like high school again.” your bold words cause her to snap her head toward you, her brows furrowed. she has a slight pout on her lips and you can’t seem to take your eyes off of them. the urge to kiss her is strong but you know better than to give in.
it felt ridiculous to you– how quickly your feelings for the older girl resurfaced. it lay dormant in your heart, hidden by all the anger you felt instead once daniela stopped talking to you.
but here you were, shoulder to shoulder, with that stupid, familiar fluttering in your chest.
your face inches closer to hers and your eyes twinkle with amusement. “you always got so mad when i gave my attention to other people,” you tease. you know the game you’re playing is dangerous. you know it would reopen wounds you’ve tried so hard to heal on your own but secretly, you loved this side of your best friend.
daniela can be possessive and somewhat overprotective, but it makes you feel wanted. and you were so desperate to be wanted by daniela avanzini.
she clicks her tongue, taking another sip from her cup. she grabs your hand and holds it tightly, turning her head to face you. her face is so close you could smell the alcohol on her breath. daniela tilts her head, still pouting her lips. you glance down at them, the color of her lipstick becoming more enticing by the second.
you tear your eyes away, hoping she didn’t catch you. she only smirks, whispering, “you’re my best friend, y/n.” she lets go of your hand, reaching up to cup your cheek. they burn at her touch but you blame it on the alcohol. you open your mouth to respond but she beats you to it.
“i was here first.”
“did you ever find another best friend during your senior year?” the latina asks you one day. she sits in the passenger seat while you drive to your shared hometown. it was fall break and it only made sense you two went together.
your mother was ecstatic to hear daniela was in your life again, boasting about how happy the older girl made you. she asked you to bring her over for dinner one night and for some reason, it brought you anxiety to allow her back into your childhood home. but when you asked daniela, she jumped on the offer, telling you how much she missed your mother.
it was weird, as if nothing ever changed at all.
you take a brief look at daniela before keeping your eyes back on the road. you shrug your shoulders. “i mean. i had friends.” from the corner of your eye, you see daniela pull her legs up onto the seat, tucking them to her chest.
she hugs them while she stares out the window, watching the trees and billboards pass by. her voice is quiet, as if scared to hear your response. “but like, were they anything like me?” the question makes you chuckle, quickly covering your mouth to stifle the sound.
she snaps her head toward you and glares. “i’m being serious.” her tone is sharp but you know there isn’t any genuine anger in her words. if anything, you too were curious if she had ever found a person like you during the year you two were apart.
the closest person you’ve seen so far to daniela is manon but even then, you wonder if their connection is remotely anything like the one you’ve built with the older girl. you run a hand through your hair, thinking about her question. you set your hand back on the steering wheel and grip it tightly.
“no one could ever be like you, dani.” you whisper, your eyes narrowed at the road ahead of you. daniela reaches out to you, grabs one of your hands from the wheel, and holds it close to her chest. her thumb caresses the back of your hand, as if silently telling you to squeeze.
and you do, tightly, feeling scared she may walk away again. you were scared that these words were all for nothing-- that opening up to daniela again would end up with you sobbing in your bed, wondering what you could have done differently to get her to stay.
you keep your eyes forward as you feel the latina bring your hand up to her lips, kissing your skin gently. she whispers, her lips ghosting over your hand, “no one is like you, y/n.”
on the last day of fall break, you and daniela decide to spend the night in your old room together. you two sit on the floor, giggling while looking through your old yearbooks and sharing a bottle of wine that you managed to steal from your father’s liquor cabinet. daniela rests her head against your shoulder, taking another sip from the bottle.
she watches as you turn the page and she immediately lights up, setting the bottle down to take the yearbook from your hands. she places it in her lap and points at one of the photos in the “homecoming week” section.
“oh my god! remember when i forced you to dress up with me?” she exclaims loudly. you shush her, reminding her that your parents were asleep. you look down at the page and you can’t help but snort.
it was a photo of you and daniela participating in one of the themed days of homecoming week. the theme was “perfect duo” and daniela convinced you to dress up as winnie the pooh and she was piglet.
you chuckle at your painted-on bear nose, remembering how daniela did it last minute in her car. she kept scolding you to stay still that morning and cooed at how “adorable” you looked the entire day. you smile softly at the memory, your fingers touching the photo as if to go back to that day.
“i was always making you do stupid shit.” she says softly, picking the wine bottle back up to her lips. you shake your head, taking the bottle from her once she's done.
you look at daniela with a sincere expression. “i didn’t care, you know?” you take a sip of wine, putting the bottle down on the floor beside you. “i think i secretly liked all the stupid shit you made me do.” she slaps your shoulder playfully and you laugh, rubbing the area in faux pain. “what? you’re the one who said it was stupid!”
she gapes at you, rolling her eyes playfully. “you weren’t supposed to agree, asshole.” she reaches over you, grabbing the wine bottle again. daniela scoffs, taking another sip without breaking eye contact. she passes it to you and you take it from her, holding the bottle in your lap.
you look at each other for a moment in silence, your eyes both glazed slightly and soft smiles on your lips. you get a sense of deja vu looking at daniela. in your head, you’re both still in high school and nothing went wrong. you pretend no time was lost. it’s just you and daniela against the world and that’s what the universe intended.
but then the latina grabs your senior year yearbook from underneath your bed and the bubble you were in pops.
you take another sip of wine and place the bottle back onto the floor. you watch her open it slowly as if she’s scared to see what you were like without her. she makes comments about the different teachers she sees, laughing when she sees photos of peers she didn’t like back then.
you talk about the gossip she missed out on, telling her the outrageous stories you’ve heard from others that year. the mood is still light despite the underlying tension between you and the older girl.
daniela turns the page and your breath hitches. it’s the beginning of the senior section. she flips through the pages, her eyes searching for your photo. she finally finds you and it makes you chuckle.
“god, i hate that photo…” you reach for the yearbook, intending to take it from her but daniela grips it tightly in her hands. you watch a tear fall onto the page and you look up with wide eyes, realizing daniela was crying. you place a hand on daniela’s shoulder, your brows furrowing in concern. “wait, what’s wrong?” you ask and daniela covers her mouth, shaking her head as more tears fall from her eyes.
she launches herself toward you, wrapping her arms around your neck. daniela buries her face into your neck and cries softly. you sit there, stunned. hesitantly, you wrap your arms around the latina, holding her tightly. you ask again quietly, “dani, what’s going on?”
her voice cracks as she speaks, “you were my best friend, y/n,” she clutches the back of your shirt, gripping it tightly. “you were my best friend and i left you.” there’s a lump in your throat as you hear her sob. your chest aches hearing her in pain.
a few months ago, you would have reveled in this sight. it would have been satisfying to see daniela hurt like this over you. but now, seeing it right in front of you is painful.
after a few minutes, her sobs subside and she begins to sniffle quietly. your heart races as you ask softly, “why did you leave?” her body feels heavy in your arms as if exhausted from a fight she had been a part of for too long.
“i was scared.” she responds, her fingers now playing with your hair. you sigh, pulling away from daniela slightly.
your hands stay on her shoulders as you look into her eyes, desperate for an answer. “scared of what, dani?” her lip quivers as she looks back at you. she leans her forehead against yours, her eyes closed as her nose brushes against yours.
it reminds you of the night of her graduation. the night when everything changed. the night when you both made an empty promise. you wanted to kiss her that night, and you want to kiss her now.
“i thought losing you would be unavoidable,” she says weakly. “so, i left first to make it easier.”
you shake your head, ridding yourself of the thoughts that run wild in your mind. you raise your pinky and whisper, “this time, no one is leaving.”
she locks her pinky with yours tightly. “i love you, y/n.”
“i love you too, dani.”
you’re lying in bed with your headphones on when megan returns to the dorm. you sit up when she walks through the door with her luggage, your eyes lit up to see your roommate finally back from home at last. when she sees you, she immediately lets go of her things, jumping onto your bed to attack you with a tight hug.
you giggle loudly, the force of the hug causing you to lay back down with megan in your arms. you hold her tightly, happiness radiating from both your bodies. she pulls away slightly, pulling your headphones off your head. she leans close to your ear and yells, “i missed you!”
her booming voice makes you push her off of your body, sitting up with a glare on your face. “megan, you’re so loud.” she ignores your words, hugging you once again. she erupts into giggles when you try to push her off once again.
“admit it! you miss me!” her hold on you is tight and you admit defeat, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
you squeeze her, looking at her with sincerity in your eyes. “i missed you, meiyokie.” she smiles widely at you and rests her head against your shoulder.
“how was the break with daniela?” you smile softly at the question as you think about the time you spent with your best friend over break. megan catches this and shakes you gently. “oh? am i invited to the wedding?” she teases.
you groan, pulling away from your roommate. you lay back on your bed, looking up at the ceiling. the chinese girl lies next to you and looks at you with amusement in her eyes.
“you think she worked for it?” you continue looking up at the ceiling and you have the urge to ask megan if you two could put up glow-in-the-dark stars. you find yourself glad to have found someone like her. you turn your head to look at your roommate, a soft smile on your face.
“yeah, she did.” megan nods, turning away to look up at the ceiling.
“I think we should put those glow-in-the-dark stars up here.” you hear her suddenly say and you giggle loudly, your eyes crinkling in excitement.
“you read my fucking mind, ms. skiendiel.”
it’s considered crunch time at your college and the work is becoming much more difficult to manage. after one of your library sessions, you and daniela decide to take a walk around the campus.
the walk consisted of you two reminiscing on memories from high school. she talked about her freshman year and how awful it was. you told her how your last year in high school was nothing special. at some point, you end up at the quad, and it makes daniela giggle. you look at her curiously. “what?”
she shakes her head, walking away from you. she steps onto the greenery and sits down, patting the spot next to her. you chuckle and follow her command.
as soon as you sit down, she lays on the grass, pulling you down with her. your curiosity is still piqued as you look up at the sky. “why’d you laugh?” your question only makes her giggle even more and you roll your eyes. “dani! tell me!”
she bites her lip, trying to stop herself from giggling even more. she looks at you, a twinkle in her eyes. “remember when you bumped into me that day? it was here.” you look away from the sky to look at her, your eyes widening in realization.
you remember how angry you were to see the latina. it sent you over the edge and you couldn’t believe how bitter you used to feel. you frown slightly thinking about it and daniela notices it. she grabs your hand and squeezes it. “i’m sorry,” she says, her eyes full of worry.
you squeeze her hand back, a sincere smile on your face. “don’t be. it’s all good now.” she smiles and looks away to look at the sky. you mirror her actions, feeling at peace.
after a few minutes, you decide to ask a question that has been on your mind. “why’d you change your major?”
she’s silent for a moment and begins to fidget with one of the rings on your finger. she responds softly, “i wanted… to be more realistic, i guess.”
you raise an eyebrow at her words. “realistic? you are so good at dancing though…” you say, chuckling at the absurdity. you always attended daniela’s dance competitions in high school and she always remained on top. everyone knew she was talented and it wouldn’t have been a surprise if she became big one day.
daniela shrugs, she turns her head to look at you and you turn your head as well. you notice the same sadness in her eyes from when she first told you she was a nursing major. it makes your heart drop.
you realize you weren’t the only one struggling last year. you feel horrible for only thinking about yourself. there were things daniela had kept to herself and you didn’t think for a second how she must have felt to be here, all alone. you lace your fingers with daniela’s, squeezing her hand gently.
“i’m so sorry…” you whisper. she shakes her head, a bittersweet smile on her face.
she responds quietly, “i did it to myself.” there’s a slight waver in her voice. her usual confident demeanor is replaced by something you’ve never seen from the latina. she looks so unsure– almost as if she’s lost. she looks away from you, looking back up at the sky.
“maybe in another life," she says, wistfully. you keep your eyes on her. daniela closes her eyes as if basking in the current moment. you memorize her features, the gentle smile on her face, the way her chest rises and falls with every breath. her hand in yours— something you’ve always loved, her hand holding yours.
you continue staring at her, a longing in your chest. “yeah. in another life.” you whisper.
before you know it, your first semester in college comes close to its end.
you walk into the science building, a pep in your step as you walk to the lab classroom. the final lab report sits completed in a folder in your book bag. after a few long nights and many caffeinated beverages, you and your group finally completed your last assignment for the god-forsaken class.
you stayed up the night before, making last-minute edits and ensuring everything on the rubric was added to the final draft. you yawn, stopping at the doorway of the lab to check your phone. daniela usually waits for you in the hallway so you both can walk in together but she’s nowhere to be found. you wonder if the girl is running late and it makes you chuckle to yourself quietly, knowing daniela hates this class more than anything.
however, you hear her laugh inside the room. you light up, pocketing your phone to meet her inside.
you hesitate though when you also hear manon’s voice. she talks loudly, as if her and daniela were the only ones inside the lab. “i can’t believe we’re gonna actually pass this class.” you hear Manon say.
daniela laughs, responding, “me neither. we can thank y/n for that, honestly.” your heart swells at the compliment. you smile to yourself, feeling giddy over the fact daniela mentioned you.
“no, literally. i don’t know how you did it, but becoming their friend was like, the best idea you ever had.” your smile falters at manon’s words. your hands find the straps of your book bag, gripping them tightly as you continue listening to their conversation.
“someone had to do it,” you hear daniela scoff, “if none of us got along with them, we would be stuck taking this class again.” you feel tears forming in your eyes. you stand there, letting her words sink in. for some reason, you can’t breathe. daniela wouldn’t do that to you, she would never.
but daniela giggles loudly. “the attitude they have is literally gonna get them nowhere, it’s terrible.” those words become your last straw as you walk in, a look of betrayal on your face.
you glare at daniela, your voice shaky as you say, “you only spoke to me again because… you wanted a good grade in orgo?” your heart breaks with every word you say. you furrow your brows at her, your knuckles going white as you grip your book bag straps even tighter.
daniela gets up quickly from her seat, her eyes wide. she steps toward you carefully, her hand reaching out to you. “y/n… wait–”
you take a step back, cutting her off, “are you fucking joking, daniela?” hot tears spill from your eyes as you look at the person you gave another chance to. she tries walking toward you again but you’ve had enough, turning around and walking out of the room. you speed walk down the hallway, ignoring when daniela calls out your name.
she manages to catch up to you, grabbing your wrist but you pull away, turning to face her. “don’t fucking touch me,” You grit out, suddenly blinded by anger.
daniela shakes her head with desperation in her eyes. “y/n, please. it’s not what you think.” she pleads, trying to reach out to you once more but you push her away.
she stumbles slightly as you raise your voice, “so, what the fuck was manon talking about?”
she shrinks away at your tone. her voice trembles as she responds, “i- at first, that’s why i did it, okay?” you scoff, rolling your eyes as you try to leave again but she grabs your hand, gripping it tightly.
“but then i really did want you back in my life, okay? i still want you in my life.” daniela tugs at your hand and continues speaking, sounding helpless, "y/n, please. please. you have to understand.” you nod at her words, pulling your hand out of hers.
you take your book bag off your shoulders, unzipping it to grab the folder inside. you throw the report at her feet and zip your book bag closed. you gesture at the papers, chuckling bitterly. “well, there it is. i hope you get a fucking A+.”
you look back up at daniela. with your dignity gone, you decide to deliver one last blow. “i was fucking in love with you, you know that?” her eyes widen at your admission and it makes you smile sadly, letting out a shaky breath.
you put your bookbag back on your shoulders, shaking your head. “i was in love with you and you made me look like a fucking idiot.” you scoff, taking a step toward daniela but she steps away.
you know this is finally over.
you know this is goodbye.
you whisper, your voice steady, “don’t you ever talk to me again.”
you turn away, walking away from daniela for the last time. you’ll make sure of it.
you walk into your dorm quietly, knowing megan is still asleep. you tiptoe toward your bed, making sure to avoid the squeaky floor tile on your side. you glance at her side of the room and notice how she is underneath her blanket. you can tell she is awake by the way her blanket is illuminated by a screen.
you look back at your bed, wanting to get under the covers to avoid the world. but for some reason, the usual desire to be alone is trumped with a need to be around a friend. you look at megan’s side and pad over, wondering if she had her headphones on.
you slowly sit down at the foot of her bed causing her to jump out from under the covers, her eyes wide. you look down at her lap to see her laptop open– on the screen is a roblox game. you chuckle, looking back up at her. her eyes have softened and she stares at you with a mix of curiosity and concern.
you can tell she’s trying to read your expression. ss much as you try to hide your feelings with a fake smile, your swollen eyes and tear-streaked cheeks tell her everything she needs to know. megan scoots over, patting the spot next to her. without any words, you slip your shoes off, crawling over to the empty space.
you lean against her headboard as she places her laptop on both of your laps. megan leans her head against your shoulder, silently clicking through her game once more. she glances up at you with a smile. “wanna watch me work at a pizza place?” you let out a soft laugh, nodding. you lean your head on top of hers, watching her change the game.
your heart aches at the thought of another broken promise. a second chance given so freely but left you so quietly. the worst part is that you almost believed it was wrong timing and you had the rest of your life to make up for it.
at the end of it, it was just the wrong person. it was never going to be daniela.
you wipe your eyes and wrap an arm around megan’s shoulders, sighing shakily.
“sure. got nothing else left to do.” she remains silent, playing her game. at some point during the quiet morning, megan’s head moves onto your chest, and your arm is still wrapped around her. she cuddles into your side, now watching you play the silly roblox game. not much has been said between you two but it was comforting nonetheless.
as you play, you hear megan whisper, “i think you deserve better.” a soft chuckle escapes your lips. you look down at your roommate with raised eyebrows.
“what’s better then?” you ask in a teasing tone. she looks up at you, her eyes twinkling brighter than the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. there’s something in her eyes you can’t quite put a finger on.
she looks away and grabs your hand that isn’t on the keyboard. she laces your fingers together. “i don’t know, but you’ll find it someday.”
you find yourself squeezing her hand. it’s not a tight squeeze, it’s more gentle.
you whisper, “one day.”
an: last reupload before a new fic comes from my dome! i just wanted to post this one bc the next one in this series is one of my faves and it has been requested by so many of u guys so i shall serve <3 if this is ur first time reading, lmk what u think! if not, i hope ur hearts hurt just as much as the first time! - rylee
