Atsushi watched out of the corner of his eye as Ryuu-chan industriously dragged the kitchen chair over to where he was standing at the counter and climbed somberly up beside him. He continued to chop vegetables for a moment, before turning his head slightly toward Ryuu-chan, eyebrow lifted. “Yes?”
“I would like a pet,” Ryuu-chan said. “For Christmas.”
Atsushi didn’t stop his prep work. “You already have a pet, Ryuu-chan.”
Ryuu-chan folded his arms and frowned. “Acchan is too much work.”
Continue on AO3 or
Atsushi heard Akutagawa suck in a breath and start coughing in a vain attempt to smother a laugh. He glared over the sink into the main room, but Akutagawa kept his head down and hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking.
“I wasn’t talking about Acchan,” Atsushi said, and Ryuu-chan scrunched up his nose. “That’s not a nice thing to say about your brother. Besides,” he added, scraping the chopped vegetables into a bowl. “You both have a cat.”
“Oh.” Ryuu-chan held onto the top of the chair and considered this for a moment. “Can I at least trade Acchan for a velociraptor? Dazai-oji said Santa allows trade-ins.”
Akutagawa’s coughing grew more violent.
Atsushi inhaled. “How do you think Acchan would feel if he knew you wanted to trade him in for another pet?”
“I’ll ask him.”
“Don’t—” Atsushi watched Ryuu-chan hop off the chair and bolt around the corner. He sighed and then pointed his knife at Akutagawa’s head from across the room. “Stop laughing.”
Acchan tore around the corner so hard he bounced off a cabinet, rattling the pans inside. “Is it true Ryuu-chan can trade me to SANTA? I want to fight a reindeer!!!”
Ryuu-chan followed him excitedly into the kitchen. “See, he doesn’t mind!”
Atsushi pushed one hand through his hair and sighed. “Why do you want to fight a reindeer, Acchan?”
“Dazai-oji said if I defeat a reindeer, I get its ability to fly! I want to fly like Chuuya-oji!”
Ryuu-chan gestured at Acchan with both hands. “See? ‘niisan wants to fly and I want a velociraptor. Everyone wins.”
“Yes,” Akutagawa said dryly from the main room, still seated but somehow having regained his composure. “Everybody wins.”
Both of the kids swiveled back to Atsushi, eyes wide and bright.
“First,” Atsushi said, “I’m going to call Santa and report that Dazai-oji has been telling lies again—”
Acchan grabbed him by the apron. “You can call Santa!?”
Ryuu-chan grabbed his other side. “I want to talk to Santa!”
“Tell him I’ll fight Donder, Chuuya-oji said he sounded weak!”
“DAD PRIVILEGE,” Atsushi roared, and they both stopped talking over each other, startled at the volume. “Then I’m going to tell him someone wants to trade in his brother and someone else wants to fight his reindeer.”
Acchan and Ryuu-chan froze, each still hanging off opposite sides of Atsushi’s apron.
“I don’t think Santa will consider either of those things very nice.”
Ryuu-chan and Acchan looked at each other and then released the apron. “Uh,” Acchan said, and Ryuu-chan caught his brother’s sleeve.
“I don’t want to trade Acchan in,” he said. “I’ve changed my mind.”
“Good.” Atsushi looked at Acchan.
“I still want to fight a reindeer,” Acchan said.
“Try again.”
“Uh…it doesn’t have to be Santa’s reindeer?”
Ryuu-chan leaned into him and whispered, “Only Santa’s reindeer can fly.”
“Good enough.” Atsushi started to shoo them out of the kitchen and almost tripped over the chair Ryuu-chan drug in. “Please take the chair with you when you go.”
“I still want a velociraptor for Christmas,” Ryuu-chan added, his Rashomon lifting the chair slightly before him as he returned it to the table.
“Yeah, we’ll see,” Atsushi said, watching the kids disappear back toward their rooms. Hands on his hips, he looked back over at Akutagawa, who now had acquired a newspaper and was hiding behind it. “Thanks for the help.”
“I thought you handled that well.”
“I’m going to kill Dazai-san.”
“I would prefer to have dinner before you go on a homicidal rampage.”
Atsushi sighed and returned to the kitchen. “Maybe after dinner.”
#
Atsushi stood beside the bunk bed as the kids readied for sleep. “I still can’t believe you’d give away your big brother forever, Ryuu-chan,” he said, shaking his head.
Ryuu-chan leaned over the edge of his bed, the battered old hedgehog plush that Akutagawa’s sister had given him tucked tight under one arm. “But it wouldn’t have been forever.”
Akutagawa was putting away the clean laundry, one ear clearly on the conversation. “Explain.”
“Well,” Ryuu-chan said, “Acchan would go with Santa and defeat a reindeer and learn how to fly, then he’d come home on his own and I’d get both a velociraptor and my brother. I wouldn’t have to choose.”
“Yeah!” Acchan said. “And I’d eat it, too!”
“You’re not allowed to eat Red!”
“What? No, I meant the reindeer.”
“Oh. You can eat all the reindeer; I don’t care about the reindeer.”
Acchan made a noise of triumph from the bottom bed. Atsushi leaned his elbow against the bunk and sighed. “Ryuu-chan, if he ate the reindeer, how would Santa get his presents to you?”
Ryuu-chan blinked owlishly. “Magic.”
“Flawless logic,” Akutagawa said. “I agree with our son, let’s trade Acchan to Santa, maybe he’ll learn some manners while he’s gone.”
“YES!” Acchan yelled, punching the air.
Atsushi glared at Akutagawa, who simply smirked at him. “Well I talked to Santa while you both were in the bath,” he said, still glaring at Akutagawa. “And the North Pole isn’t taking any returns this year, not just on brothers. So you’re out of luck.”
“Always next year,” Akutagawa said, laundry basket on his hip as he exited the room.
“Maybe I should inquire about trading in husbands,” Atsushi yelled after, and the boys giggled. “No more talk of trade-ins, I mean it. If Dazai-oji tells you anything else weird, tell me right away. Santa wants to know.”
Ryuu-chan frowned. “Dazai-oji said every Christmas tree is actually an alien who is waiting for us to fall asleep in front of it so it can eat us.”
“Oh my god,” Atsushi said with a large sigh.
Acchan pulled his covers up to his chin. “And Dazai-oji said that when you and Dad lock your door it means you’re smacking your swords together.”
Atsushi stared blankly at Acchan for a moment. Then he patted Acchan’s shoulder and said, “Good night, Acchan. Good night, Ryuu-chan.”
Their door had barely closed behind them when both kids heard Atsushi yell, “RYUUNOSUKE, I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.”
Ryuu-chan leaned over the top of his bunk. “Stupid,” he hissed at Acchan. “Dad doesn’t even own any swords; we couldn’t find them! That means Dazai-oji was lying about that!”
“Well, he asked,” Acchan said defensively. “What was I supposed to do, lie? Santa is listening.”
“You lied earlier when you said you didn’t want to fight a reindeer.”
“And you still want to trade me to Santa, so we’re even.”
They stared at each other for a moment, frowning. Their détente was broken by some muffled noises from downstairs, and the distinct, uncanny sound of their father laughing. “Ooh, it’s creepy when dad laughs like that,” Ryuu-chan said, now distracted.
Acchan snuggled under his covers. “Christmas trees don’t eat people.”
accomplishment, yet sadness at reading all of Scriveyner’s, shin soukoku baby fic. It was funny, and sweet, and cute; and I loved it, but now I don’t have anymore to read, so I’m sad. Also, I was wondering why Akutagawa quit the Mafia, and the fact he was basically fired, I can’t; it’s so funny.
