♚ — h e a r t { l e s s }
( tick. tick. tick. tick. )
silence. he doesn’t know how much time has gone by. with each moment that passes, though, something grows within him that isn’t unlike all the things he’d been afraid of as a child. it engulfs him completely, vision blinded by a red so vivid, it’s hard for him to notice much else, except for the heat that sears his insides, rings like a siren in his ears. but then he remembers the broken mess that lies bundled up in front of him, and he pauses for a moment; he knows what it would do to him if he were to carry out every thought he’d had since—
since he’d thrown open that door. he grits his teeth at the memory. the water had been cold, heavy, and at first, there’d barely even been a reaction when he’d pulled him out of the tub — hazy, dark-eyed gaze moving over his face — but as soon as he had arms wrapped tight around his small waist, a sob fell from his parted mouth, and he swears he’s never wanted to draw blood so badly in his life.
even now, that desire doesn’t fade. won’t fade, never completely. not when baekhyun’s eyes are so empty, devoid of any of the life that had filled them. not when… he has everything, everything, and treats it as if it’s nothing, as if he’s nothing.
he’s watched baekhyun shake apart too many times, and this time was a step too far. he won’t allow it to happen again. not like this. it doesn’t matter how it plays out in the end, as long as baekhyun’s happy.
( but he’s what makes him happiest. what do you do then? )
he slips his hand into his pocket, and pulls the wedding band from it, studies it for the longest time. it brings him back to that night. the words he’d spoken hadn’t been false, but they’d been so, so hard to force out of his throat. he hadn’t been able to sleep, neither, mind replaying over and over the words spoken between them both. but he’d been so happy. ecstatic. and he’d do anything to take him back to that day, just so he could see him smile like he had then. his hands shake. he doesn’t want to think about it, so he doesn’t.
instead, he slips the glinting band into the drawer behind him and turns his attention back to the bed — he’s finally asleep. he can see some of the eyeliner he’d missed when he’d wiped the pale, pale skin clean. his eyelids flutter just a bit, chest rising and falling gently; something in jongin’s own chest aches, makes his breath catch, maybe, and… he’s so beautiful. too beautiful. he doesn’t deserve this, not from the one he loves most.
a door shuts, startling him. the others are home now, he can hear their voices filter in from the living room, and pretty eyelids flutter once more, head turning to the side. red gets in his eyes. jongin wants to stay, wants to brush the strands away, but he should quiet them down.
carefully, he leans down, and going against everything in him — every rule, every wall he’s ever built — lets his lips brush along the softness of baekhyun’s mouth. it’s almost funny, how something so small can make him feel so much; the guilt claws at every bit of his insides, sharp and angry and it hurts, hurts so fucking much he can barely breathe, but somehow he manages.
he really shouldn’t be here right now.
he takes one last glance towards the bed, and then the door’s closing behind him with a soft, near-inaudible click.
