The one where Jock Lewes didn't actually die (PS. why does Alfie die in everything?)
It was definitely shit, or at least it fucking tasted like it. Yeah it was shit, a fucking massive dollop of crap in the fucking desert
Jock lews was having a tremendously bad day and was that a fucking weight on his leg
He groaned and looked back at the decrepit mess that was his manky leg and sighed, coughed up the shit dirt gravel in his mouth and screamed.
The desert said nothing in return, so at least it meant the fucking cunting aircrafts had buggered off
Honestly he thought to himself what a bunch of pussies
Fortunately for Jock his belly crawl was unparalleled. Unfortunately for the entire time he scraped his pathetic lifeless body across the dry dandruff of the desert a poxy vulture was flying above his head.
Nothing lived in the fucking desert either that cunt had flown in specially for him, a taunting scrawny fucking vulture.
If he had a gun he’d shoot its left wing off
Or if it was a female bird he’d aim it for her little cunt
Shitty thing squawking above his head.
Come on you can do this, just a bit further he kept saying to himself. The days kept falling into nights, his water cannister nearly empty and his bowel movements trickled down his trouser leg you’ve come this fucking far Lewes. You cant let Stirling or Paddy win the competition war
He laid at night peering up at the stars, shivering like a twat, wondering if it were worth it. It he’d of died it would be honourable. His comrades left him for that reason thinking he was dead. They’d never know. If he returned to camp he’d hear no end of the piss and shit on his uniform.
He hobbled onto his feet for the last few yards, he couldn’t crawl into camp fuck no that would be a travesty.
With the stick ripped out of his arse (or from a tree depending on who tells the story) (Stirling told the latter, Mayne the first) he used it as a crutch to move himself toward the camp.
He could see two bumbling idiots trying to put up a flag and failing. He had taught them better fucking useless cunts.
Watching them then he remembered why he couldn’t possibly die fucking be lost without him, wouldn’t they?
He kept shouting for them but that lump of shit was lodged in there, mixed with some sand and lord knows what else he tried to scoff down. He was all of about 10 cms away and still nothing.
“the mourning period is over” he heard
What a bunch of disloyal cunts he thought, and then he coughed, blood and finally that lump of shit came out –
All he knew is that he collapsed in the concave doorway, his leg giving out, he blacked out to the sound of the vexing, bothersome loathsome tone of that Irish twit “He’s only gone and shit himself” and a chorus of laughter that most definitely did not fill him with joy.
He regretted his decision to live.
He wasn’t sure when he would wake but Jock made sure when he did Paddy would have an explosive up his arse. See how he feels half dead with shit trickling out of him.
D.I.Y Chloric irrigation anyone?
