Jan 31
Alain Prost in a commercial for Phenix, a Japanese ski wear brand. (Source)
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Alain Prost in a commercial for Phenix, a Japanese ski wear brand. (Source)
Jochen Rindt with Nina Rindt and Colin Chapman at the 1970 Austrian Grand Prix, photographed by Rainer W. Schlegelmilch || Images sourced from (x)(x)(x)(x)
Marc Surer on horseback in 1981
Every day I wake up like "I don't feel good :(" and honestly I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! It feels like I'm in a never ending flare up. This one has lasted so long! I just want a little relief. To have one day where I don't wake up with a pounding headache. Or joints that feel stiff and achy. Or one day where I wake up feeling rested. One day where I don't wake up already in pain. Just one!! I'll take whatever I can get.
I feel stuck in that cycle where it's so hard to do the things that I know will make me feel a little better. But I feel too fatigued and like trash to do anything. But I know doing the things will help, but I can't find it in me to start. I know I need to prioritize these things, but it takes so much energy that I'm already so low on. :( Putting all of this into words is so hard. I'm so tired.
This brain fog suuuucks. I just want to feel normal in my head!! It's all so fuzzy all the time lately. Thinking is hard, talking is hard, words are hard. Communicating with others is hard!!! It's like something is unplugged somewhere.. Some days the connection is better. But mostly, things are just fuzzy.
It's the 16 year anniversary of Andrew's passing. It happened around midnight, I think. Hah, things feel weird. Grief is strange. I still just feel mostly angry. Sure I go through moments of missing him so intensely, but really, I'm just so fucking angry. How the fuck could he do that?? Sometimes it feels like he took my life, too. He took all of our lives. None of this is fucking fair. I wish I could fucking yell at him. What a shit.
Fuck this brain fog!! Sometimes I feel like my feelings and thoughts get trapped in my brain. And I try to speak (or type), but weird gibberish comes out and I feel like I'm making no sense. But it's in there, I just can't seem to translate it into something coherent. It's like I have all these big thoughts and ideas, but no way to fully express them. It's so frustrating :( words are hard. I'm so tired of living in this fucking foggy brain all the time. I'm always thinking I'll feel better, clearer, more coherent tomorrow... and that is so very rarely the case. I just want to feel like my brain works :(
I've been waiting to feel better for so long. That's been such a huge thing for me with being chronically ill. It's exhausting. Some days I can make peace with it and accept that this is where I'm at and I can accommodate myself and feel more positive about things. But mostly I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. :(((