#s127

[thewertsearch]

EB: but then you finally killed a guy you liked, and… EB: not so cool anymore? AG: Yeah. OH! AG: Ok, that's not quite right. He's the second person I cared a8out who I killed. […] AG: I guess she wound up getting me 8ack pretty good though, so we're even.

Man...

I know I've been dissecting them for thousands of pages, but sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself how deeply, deeply fucked up the trolls' lives are. Their teen dramas are our horror movies.

AG: Oh, also, TECHNICALLY I attempted to kill that same guy around the same time. […] AG: I think I had a really juvenile attitude a8out killing 8ack then. I think I was trying too hard? […] AG: […] I was such a confused kid! I didn't know anything a8out what killing really means. I was trying to fake it, and it caused me nothing 8ut pro8lems.

Vriska’s definitely making progress, but she still has a lot of work to do.

She’s correctly identified the problem – that she's fundamentally misunderstood what it means to kill – but her solution is to assume that there's a mature, correct way to be a serial killer, and she just needs to find it.

Grow up, she tells herself. Become the right kind of murderer, and this horrible, horrible feeling will go away.

EB: so… if killing isn't exactly wrong, then what is it? EB: what do you mean by "what killing really means"? AG: I guess I have to admit I don't actually know that much a8out humans either! AG: Other than that you are all pretty soft and mild mannered and seem to 8e friendlier, and think killing totally sucks.

It's very telling, I think, that Vriska doesn't actually answer John's question. She doesn't know what killing really means - and instead of admitting that to herself, she immediately changes the subject.

What she's refusing to acknowledge, I think, is that killing makes her feel like shit. That's what it means to her - but she can't face that yet. That's disgusting.

That's weakness.

AG: When a troll comes of age, you 8etter 8elieve it means they're going to start killing. AG: It's what we do as a race. We are very effective conquerors, and as such, we practically domin8 our galaxy. […]

And to Alternia, killing means serving your empire. Any other justifications its servants invent are irrelevant - they're nothing more than window dressing to the fact that empire is murder, and to be a troll is to participate in its violence.

The empire is gone, of course - but for now, it's still alive in its children's heads.

[1-yolcu]

Susmak zor iş belli ki. Alemlerin Efendisi "Susan kurtulur" buyurmuşlar.Haydi dilinizi susturmayı başardınız diyelim, ya kalbin susması. Bir de kalp var. Marifet onu susturmakta. | Serdar Tuncer

[thewertsearch]

EB: i would like to be culturally sensitive, but i wish it didn't have to be like that for you. […] AG: Well, thanks John. That's nice of you to say. 8ut let's face it, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, since our whole race was wiped out! […] AG: […] we'll never actually get to come of age and enter troll society, and see if we got what it takes. AG: 8ut that doesn't mean we stop growing up! AG: I think the game knows it's always gonna 8e played 8y kids, and it always rigs it so they enter right around the cusp of sexual maturity, whatever the race is. AG: Which kinda makes sense, since if they succeed, they've got their whole lives ahead of them to do whatever the hell they're going to do in their universe, like start repopul8ing and whatnot.

Vriska thinks that Sburb Players are always kids, because the game wants to give them more time to live in their universe. I'm a little skeptical, and not just because it de-canonizes my Homestucksona.

With the scale of what we’ve seen so far in the game, I didn’t expect a paltry concern like human lifespan to matter. With access to cloning, time travel and brain duplication, rejuvenating one's body would be trivial for a non-ascended Sburb Player, let alone a god of Life or Time.

AG: I really think how successfully they mature is tied to success in the game. It challenges the players in all the ways they need to 8e challenged to grow, which is different for every individual, and veeeeeeeery different for every race.

If Sburb absorbs the cultural standards of its Players, then I’m very happy we didn’t see the Quests that the game tailor-made for the Alternian Empire.

That would explain why we’ve never seen any troll Consorts, though. It's because they were conquered.

AG: I don't think we were so hot at that aspect of the game. In fact, I'm sure we were quite awful. Hell, even I wasn't that gr8 at it! I actually just kinda fell ass 8ackwards into the god tier, to 8e honest.

I wouldn't put too much stock into Sburb's idea of 'growth'. Its primary purpose is to propagate reality, and it's probably designed to mold you into someone well-suited to that task, regardless of your own desires. Your happiness and personal fulfillment is a secondary concern, at best.

Listen to what Sburb has to say, if you want - but take it with a huge pinch of salt. I doubt it has your best interests at heart.

AG: 8ut what really gets me is this didn't even occur to me until just now, while I was sitting around thinking a8out it. […] AG: That was why the game split us up into two teams. AG: It knew as we came of age, we'd pro8a8ly start killing each other. AG: So it just provided the stage. Red team vs. 8lue. It was so simple! All we had to do was what we were naturally inclined to. It might have worked out 8etter for us.

I don't agree with this take on the teams, either.

My interpretation is pretty much the opposite of Vriska's. I’ve always believed that the game pretended to split the trolls into teams, in order to trick them into joining one single cooperative group. If we assume propagation is Sburb's primary goal, then it must have concluded that this arrangement increased their chances of victory. In other words, the trolls are better together.

Plus, Sburb has never even hinted that the game can or should be played competitively. I think Vriska's just searching for reasons why everything's gone so wrong, and she's fallen back on Alternian conditioning again. Successful trolls kill, so her team must have failed because there weren't enough killings.

[thewertsearch]

AG: If we really did take the team thing seriously, and started killing each other, may8e it would have meant more god tiers? AG: May8e all of us would have made it???????? AG: Damn, can you imagine? We would have 8reezed through the game even faster, killed the king without a sweat. May8e claimed the reward 8efore Jack even showed up?

But if you took the teams seriously, having God Tiers wouldn't stop you from fighting. The fights would just continue - and now, the collateral of those fights would be enormous.

Plus, what Vriska's essentially saying here is that Murderstuck should have happened earlier. She thinks they'd be better off if Gamzee snapped during the session. When you actually follow through on her logic, it's pretty incoherent.

AG: Actually, this is pro8a8ly Karkat's fault. […] AG: When it comes down to it, he was pro8a8ly too good a leader! He actually did manage to get the two teams to work together toward the same goal. It could have easily deterior8ed into a feud otherwise.

It's backhanded, but that's a serious compliment - from Vriska, of all people. I wish Karkat could hear her right now, because he really needs the boost.

AG: He likes to pretend he's all vicious and 8loodthirsty, 8ut I know he 8n't got that in him. I have a sense for these things. AG: He'd 8e so pissed if he heard me say this, 8ut I think he'd cut it 8etter as a human than as a troll.

Makes sense to me. I still believe that out of all the trolls, Karkat’s traits were featured the most prominently in humanity - and I also believe the Earth was better for it.

We’ve never seen this notification before - and judging by Terezi’s reaction, neither has she.

We’ve seen people contact idle accounts, and the message usually gets through. Gamzee still has Terezi's glasses, and I'm worried he might be interfering with her account somehow.

GC: 1M 4FR41D VR1SK4 H4S F1N4LLY GON3 COMPL3T3LY OUT OF CONTROL GC: DO NOT TRY TO 3NG4G3 H3R, SH3 1S TOO D4NG3ROUS GC: SH3 1S NOW MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY GC: ONLY 1 KNOW HOW TO D34L W1TH H3R

This is exactly what she said to Aradia, back when the latter wanted to take revenge for Tavros.

When it comes to Vriska, Terezi won't allow anyone else to engage. It's almost like she considers them to be arch-rivals... or perhaps something even stronger?

Damn. I wish there was a word for that.

[thewertsearch]

AG: If any of my friends knew that, they would think I'm weak. […] EB: i guess i understand. i mean, i'm trying to, with the cultural difference and all. […] EB: like, trolls are more violent and angry, right? kind of like klingons or something, which is an angry race of alien savages from a human tv show. AG: We aren't savages, you dope!

Well, she's not wrong. Alternia was an empire, which is far worse than the 'savage' culture that John is imagining. Its violence wasn't wild - it was organized, and channeled into atrocities across the galaxy.

It's kind of funny that John's comparing them to the Klingons, actually. The only Star Trek series I've watched is The Next Generation, where they've allied with the Federation, and - as far as I can tell - stopped conquering planets entirely.

In other words, Alternia is a lot more violent than the Klingons I know.

EB: but i think that no matter what alien culture you are from, killing is still wrong! […] AG: This is where our cultures clash, I think. AG: It would 8e difficult to explain exactly how killing is viewed on our planet with all the nuance involved. AG: It just isn't the 8lack and white thing humans seem to think it is!

I'm sure Vriska has a million reasons why the life she's been forced into was totally fine. She needed those justifications in order to live with herself, but that doesn't make them valid...

AG: On my world, I would 8e completely vindic8ed for killing him! He is far lower on the hemospectrum than me. He managed to disrespect me time and time again, 8ut I kept letting him live! [...]

...and she's immediately proving my point.

I mean, the first justification she can think of is that bluebloods should be allowed to murder 'lesser' trolls, if disrespected. I'm sure her other 'nuanced' reasons to kill are similarly compelling.

AG: This was sort of like a test, and I'm afraid I might 8e failing.

Are you sure?

For the first time ever, you're actually considering the possibility that killing is wrong, and there are plenty of trolls who never even made it that far.

You're passing a test here.

AG: […] it was the first time I killed some8ody I cared a8out. EB: so… EB: you killed other people, that you didn't care about? AG: Yes. Sort of a lot, actually. […] EB: hm. how many? […] AG: Oh, it doesn't matter. Pro8a8ly many thousands. […] AG: God, I know how this sounds! 8ut I had to feed her. My lusus I mean. I've 8asically 8een playing this role as a slave in the food chain my whole life. […]

Yeah, you were coerced into those murders. Your FLARP killings were necessary for survival, and Doc Scratch manipulated you into killing your friends.

Tavros, however, was different. You have no lusus to feed on the Veil, and Scratch seems to have stopped whispering in your ear. Tavros was absolutely no threat to you - but for the first time ever, and without any external pressure, you chose to kill.

Are you proud of yourself?

[bloggers-secretfiles]

Story #127: I lost my bestfriend two years ago. Hindi ko inasahan na ganun na lang. We treated each other like sisters do. We laugh together, eat together. Went out together. And we promised na walang iwanan, na forever kami pa rin mag-bestfriend. Then boom, bigla na lang niyang sinabi sakin na may letter siyang inipit dun sa bio book ko. Then there. I saw a yellow paper na nakaipit nga sa bio book ko. Kinabahan na ako nun, kasi para talagang may mali, the way na sinabi niya kung nasaan niya nilagay yung letter. She was serious when she said it to me pero parang iniiwasan niya yung mga mata ko. She wrote there na, ayaw niya muna akong kausapin, na no commu muna hanggang monday (it was fri when she gave me the letter) so ayun. Malapit na nga tumulo yung mga luha ko doon sa upuan ko kahit 5 sentences pa yun. Di ko alam yung gagawin ko nung time na yun. Gusto ko mag-cutting nun, kasi di ko na alam san ako pupunta o makikisama after nun. Sa kanya lang kasi ako ganun ka-close tas ganun pa :( then ayun, binasa ko ulit yung letter pagpasok ko ng kwarto and then ayun. Umiyak talaga ako, grabe kasi I never thought na ganun na lang. Theme song nga namin One Friend hahaha muntanga lang ano. So ayun, ginawa ko yung mga sinulat niya sa letter. She even begged na yun nga, wag muna daw kami mag-usap, magkita, ganyan-ganyan. Nalungkot ako syempre, at nainis. Kaya nung monday, di ko siya pinansin, iniwasan ko talaga. Pero hinintay ko yung signal na papansinin na niya ako. Pero wala pa ring nangyari. Ang lungkot ko nung mga araw na yun. Mga one week after siguro, I found new frnds. Nakakalimutan ko na din yung problema ko but still I long for her presence. Then, we had an activity na hineld namin sa may canteen. By grp yung activity na yun, di kami kagroup. Tawa ako ng tawa sa ka-grp ko kasi may nakakatawa naman kasi. Then bigla na lang may klasmate na lumapit sakin sabi niya umiiyak daw ‘si ano’. Medyo kinabahan nga ako kasi di ko alam kung bakit umiyak yun. Pinuntahan ko siya sa grp table niya, ayun nakita ko ngang umiyak. Grabe, hagulhol talaga. Lumapit ako tas hinug siya, namiss ko talaga sya nun. Tinanong ko sya kng anong problema. Umiiling pa siya nun kasi di na siya nakakapagsalita dahil sa mga hikbi. Inaalog-alog ko na siya kasi kinabahan nga ako tas ayokong umiyak dun kasi maraming tao. Tas bigla na lang siya nagwalk-out. And I was left there, crying. Buti na lang, after nung period na yun e lunch break. Sakto naman na walang tao sa bahay, kaya umabsent ako. Umiyak ulit ako at nagsisisigaw sa bahay. Parang tanga lang. Kasi ewan, nainis na talaga ako nun, kasi sabi ng klasmates ko kaya daw siya umiyak kasi di ko na daw siya pinapansin. Nakakaputa lang kasi. Ako na nga ang iniwan, ako pang sinabihan ng ganun. Siya yung nangiwan e. Nirequest pa nga niya na ganun muna hanggang monday. May pride pa din naman ako. Kaya nga hinintay ko talaga siya nung Monday na yun. Siya yung nangiwan, kaya siya ang bumalik. Siguro pride na yung pinapairal ko nun. Pero dba? Sino ba ang hindi masasaktan sa ganun? Akala ko okay na, pero di pala. Akala ko siya na yung taong di ako iiwanan kaso mali pala. Then she sent me again a letter, saying na naghihintay siya ng reply dun sa letter na binigay niya nung una. I made a letter for her too, but I was too coward to give it to her. Natapos yung school year na hindi kami bati. Wala pa ring closure hanggang ngayon. Pero okay na ako. Nag-iingat na! :) Thanks to that experience. Nakakaya na naming igreet yung isa’t-isa pag nagkita kami sa daan. Parang wala lang nangyari haha. Pero okay na to. May mga bagay siguro sa mundo na dapat hayaan na lang. Sa twing maririnig ko yung One Friend naiiyak talaga ako at minsan napapangiti. Naalala ko yung promise namin at lahat-lahat hahahahhahaha.  I couldn’t deny na I was happy when we were together, back then. But life goes on. And it’s about moving forward, right?  :) - KC