#s:development

[noctisuji]

Don't chase the rabbit. [ whispers would it be odd to ask for a dark past memories of hers because I'm curious to see it sorry saw your tags and I had to ask eeep hi -- ]

In her heart, she knew she had no business being locked up there. Not really, at least. The "incident" felt like it had occurred a lifetime ago, yet she could feel the familiar sensation of insanity creeping back into her system like an invisible virus. The misery of the other girls… she felt it tenfold. 

Every morning was a living nightmare; nighttime was worse. She was in a room alone, temporarily, but the girl in the room next to hers had become a constant companion. Some nights, Suzy could hear her crying through the thin wall and she'd try to block it out, but it wasn't the sound that was maddening; other nights she helped dawn come much more quickly, trading knocks every so often as if it were morse code. It wasn't much, but some relief was better than none.

At least that's what Suzy kept telling herself that night. What devastation could be wrought when it only took a few thuds on the wall to bring comfort? It could only help. And so she was there, remembering how reassuring it was to hear their tap-tap-thud-pause-tap when she couldn't sleep. She mimicked it, but she couldn't stop her crying. It was louder tonight, louder than she'd heard it in a while. Suzy didn't even know what she looked like, or why she was in there in the first place. Had she ever left that room? The door was always closed during the day time.

She kept crying. Suzy couldn't take it anymore -- she moved to the other side of the room, covering her ears as she curled up in the corner. Her voice sounded miles away, but she could still feel the weight of her sadness -- it pressed against her heart as if it were her own. Suzy choked out a sob and wiped her eyes; she wasn't aware she'd been crying too. She finally snapped.

"Please, stop it!" she yelled through the wall. Her head was splitting in two, her breathing coming in sharp, labored puffs. Everything felt so useless. Even the banging on the wall felt too painful and she sank to the floor, begging uselessly for the girl to stop. She couldn't take it.

And then, it was silent.

The quiet morning was broken by a scream. Officers flooded the corridor and the orderlies were meant to keep the patients in their rooms, but word eventually spread. As soon as the quiet had come, her body succumbed to the fatigue, and for a moment she was thankful it was finally quiet. Peaceful, even. The full weight of what had happened didn't settle in until she knocked on her wall and heard nothing in response. Somehow, the silence was worse.

[noctisuji]

Don't chase the rabbit.

She’d nearly fallen into a trance with the methodical movement of her pencil, her eyes never leaving the page in front of her. What had once been a crisp, blank sheet now resembled something entirely different; every spare space was filled with a doodle or half-completed sketching. For the most part the piece lacked any sort of consistency or connectivity, but Suzy’s main focus was now at the center of the page — the part she’d been working on for nearly an hour straight. 

What’re you drawing, sweetheart?

Her mother’s voice hardly pulled her from her reverie. Suzy mumbled an absent response, which transformed into a yell of surprise when her mother took the page from her grasp to examine it. The spell was broken, and Suzy stood there dazed for several moments, unaware of the sudden lack of color in her mother’s face.

Suzy, what is this?

"It’s just a drawing, umma."

No, Suzy, what IS this? This is — did you have a nightmare?

She shook her head in confusion. Just then, her father came in from work, and her mother instantly strode away from her to accost her father in the doorway, speaking in hushed tones. Suzy took a few steps closer and pressed her ear to the wall out of curiosity.

What eight-year-old draws something like this? Do you see what this is? It looks like a great serpent coming out of the little girl’s chest! Did you let her watch a horror movie?

No, god no, I’d never do that — ah, that’s really… detailed.

Should we take her to the doctor? She was just sitting there, drawing it like it was nothing. And she was so focused… ugh, I can’t bear to look at it, it’s so frightening.

"Umma?"

Her parents fell silent, as though if they were to face their daughter, the image she’d drawn would be a reality on her. 

"I didn’t dream it… It’s just… a feeling. Not mine! It’s just a feeling. Someone felt sick—"

That’s enough, sweetheart. Go play outside.

"But — "

Go!

[noctisuji]

Don't chase the rabbit.

She couldn't remember the last time she had slept. The days had begun to blur together, yet each night was more excruciating than the last. It wasn't that the asylum was particularly unpleasant; the rooms were well-kept, and the staff were much kinder than Hollywood tended to display. Hell, even a lone orderly had offered to snag Suzy an extra piece of dessert from the cafeteria -- but none of it mattered. It wasn't the environment itself that was torturous.

It was the patients.

Night after night, she could hear their shouting, even if they were on the other side of the corridor she could feel their pain as if it were her own -- at times even she didn't know if it was her own agony or theirs. She knew she wouldn't last much longer. The sole purpose of her even being there was because she couldn't handle the pain, she couldn't shoulder the burden of carrying everyone's hurt, and she couldn't block it out.

The anti-psychotics had stopped working by now. She wondered, bitterly, if they'd ever worked to begin with -- one night of restless sleep should hardly count as "effective." Yet the doctors claimed to know what was wrong with the seventeen year old girl, and they hardly noticed she was fading away. It was after a particularly unsettling night that it all changed.

"I'll trade you."

Her voice sounded as if it were a thousand miles away, but when Suzy looked to her, she realized she was standing right next to her. The girl gestured to Suzy's hand, where a small combination of pills lay in her palm. Suzy could only stare, temporarily unable to speak.

"What, are you a vegetable? I'll trade you for mine. They keep riddling me with uppers but I wanna sleep. C'mon, you already wander around here like a zombie. Don't you wanna feel alive again?"

How lucrative a business it was to trade medications -- and effortless, at that. The staff didn't notice that shortly after she took the other patient's medication, Suzy changed; colors held their former vibrance, and she found that she was able to move without toil, that each breath no longer felt like a weight sitting on her chest.

She slept that night, lulled by the sole sound of her steady breathing.

[noctisuji]

"Don't chase the rabbit"

"Suzy, it's time to wake up."

When she sleepily opened her eyes, Suzy was immediately blinded by the bright sunlight. How long had they even been in the car? Without fail, she always fell asleep within the first half-hour of a car ride, no matter how long it was; today was no exception, despite the palpable excitement she felt when they had left that morning.

The family trip to the beach was easily the highlight of their annual trip to California. As her father put their rented car in park, she saw her uncle in the distance setting up their glaringly yellow umbrella, while her aunt stood and waved them over, her free hand holding onto her broad sun hat as if the ocean breeze would whip it right off her head.

Suzy stepped out of the car and immediately tugged off her shorts to reveal the rest of her swimsuit, ignoring the slightly appalled look from her father; it had taken a great deal of coaxing on her aunt and mother's part to convince him that he should allow his 14-year-old daughter out in something less concealing than a one-piece suit. Suzy was thrilled -- the brilliant shade of azure suited her fair complexion flawlessly, and she raced off toward the lapping surf before he could protest.

Just before she reached the water's edge, she froze, her arms outstretched and eyes closed. All she could hear was the melodic breaking of the waves, while the warm sunlight and ocean breeze danced a lazy waltz on her exposed skin. This, she thought, has to be what heaven feels like.

[noctisuji]

"Don't chase the rabbit."

Outpatient therapy had to be one of Suzy's least favorite responsibilities. She could handle the vending machine of medications she had to fill every month; hell, she could even handle the palpable discomfort from her parents, but therapy -- god, she saw it as nothing but a giant waste of time. It didn't help that her assigned therapist always started each session the same way: So, how has your week been?

"Fine."

Just fine?

"Yes."

Six weeks of her curtness seemed to finally take its toll on her therapist, and he slipped off his thick-rimmed glasses and leaned back in his chair, heaving a great sigh. She knew what he was going to say even before he said it.

Suzy, these sessions are meant to help you adjust back to your life. You should really try to take advantage of it. 

A long silence, punctuated by another sigh.

Your parents are worried about you.

"My parents are worried about themselves."

What makes you think that?

"Who wants a veritable nutcase for a daughter? It doesn't help that I'm the only spawn they've got -- they don't even have a starter daughter."

But things weren't always like that, were they?

A pause. "No, they weren't."

What was it like before?

"I don't see the use in dwelling on the past."

We can learn from our pasts, though. Don't you think so?

Her retort was interrupted by the secretary, who'd entered without knocking and spoke with a trembling voice. Salvation had come in the form of an urgent phone call, and for several minutes Suzy was at ease, leaning back in her chair with her feet kicked up on the good doctor's desk. She was grateful -- that phone call had easily shaved a decent chunk of time off her hour-long session. Hadn't she been close to the end of it, anyway? She was reaching for her mobile phone when she heard the doctor's voice, and felt a wave of sympathy emanating from the doorway.

Miss Bae, I'm afraid I… I have some terrible news. The police are on their way. I-- … I'm sorry.

[noctisuji]

Don't chase the rabbit

To her young eyes, the great silver bird was as threatening as a monster. Though it had no great teeth nor did it seem to threaten her at all, Suzy felt a wave of fear ripple down her spine, and she clutched her mother’s hand even tighter. Every step they took down the darkened corridor brought them closer to boarding — and to the seven year old Suzy, it was a living nightmare.

"Darling, why are you shaking?"

"I don’t want to go, umma! Why can’t we stay on the ground? I don’t want to go on the plane!”

"Suzy, we can’t exactly drive or take a train to California. We will be fine."

"What if we fall out of the sky? I don’t want to fall!"

"Oh, my dear," her mother laughed good-naturedly and knelt to be eye-level with her daughter. "Airplanes are very safe. They’re safer than cars, you know. So we’ll be fine, and we’ll get to our destination even quicker."

This answer seemed to placate Suzy for a moment, but there was still hesitance in her eyes as she looked toward the door once again. "Do you promise?"

"Yes. I promise."

[noctisuji]

What's something that never fails to ruffles your feathers?

(/a grin crept onto her features at the question.) Mn, a very good one to ask! Hm... let me see... (/taps her chin for a moment, falling silent until the appropriately honest answer came to mind; at which point she snapped her fingers.) Being underestimated. Without a doubt, that's the one.

[noctisuji]

44.

44: Superstitions or views on the occult?

Very limited. Despite the fact that Suzy fakes her psychic prowess, she’s aware that she has a gift that isn’t exactly common — and she believes in witchcraft to a degree. She’s a bit of a skeptic and tends to pick and choose what she believes in. For example, she believes in destiny to a degree, but she doesn’t believe in the idea of one “soulmate" for everyone. She’s open-minded, though her experience is somewhat restricted.