But I Know What You Deserve | Rosiden | Head Canon
None of this was supposed to happen. None of this was how she planned to spend her time in Los Angeles. Everything had been so turbulent in her life since she arrived here, it had been a crash course in heart ache. True, much of it she had inflicted on herself and she knew, deep down, she clutched to those old hurts like blankets in a storm, afraid of what loosing everything might really look like, afraid of a future where she might really be truly alone. The woman who had gotten off the plane a year and a half ago had been confident, independent, considered and level headed... now, as Rosie looked in the mirror, tired and terrified, she saw nothing of that woman. With each crack another piece of her had altered, shifted around a little. As if her thoughts and her wishes rearranged to fill the empty space and take away the pain. Except for 8 months ago. When even the thoughts and wishes receded into simple longing.
Just two months ago she had thought she had closed the door on that part of her life. That night on the pier, the realisation, the deep seated cold that had spread had severed ties which snapped back like guitar strings, curled, broken, unusable. She had written about this in her book. Woe. Wretchedness, despair, melancholy. A cloud of sadness which looms over the world. Ever since the book had arrived, that cloud had followed her around, chilling her bones and emptying her heart. A love that was so joyous, bright and real was suddenly pulled so far away it was as if an ocean had sprung up between Aiden and herself. Then Thaddeus. The last person she had ever expected, the last eyes she thought to lay her own on. Another ocean, storm wrecked and battered. Suddenly, without warning, there was a choice laid in front of her, swim, either way, or drown.
She had asked Thaddeus for time, to cross the bridge slowly and she has to ask Aiden the same. Some moments it was clear the pathway to be taken, other times she would find herself completely at odds with herself, hurt and grief clouding one way and uncertainty and fear clouding the other. Doing her best to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, Rosie headed out. It was easier to catch the bus from her place into the recording studio than it was to drive and try and find a parking space, and the time not spent concentrating gave her more time to think. One moment she would feel a bangle press warm and sure against her wrist, then she would pass a diner and think of milkshakes and laughter. Knowing they wouldn’t finish up for a while, Rosie sent Aiden a text saying she was in the cafe across the road from the studio. It was one of those rare finds in LA, open late, good coffee and privacy. Taking a seat towards the front, she waited, unable to read or write for the twist of emotions rolling around in her stomach.
Aiden knew something was wrong. There was no point in trying to hide it, he knew her aura better than most people, certainly better than she knew it herself. As he sat down she stayed quiet as he ordered a drink, her own coffee cup almost empty. Even as her shaking hand reached out across the table his face was set against whatever it was she had to say. It came out of her lips like a torrent, everything, every piece of the puzzle. From Axel through to Thaddeus, how he had healed her, changed her, to the PTSD and onwards to that day they met. That moment in the car when she had reached for his hand and they lit a fire. Crying freely now, she pulled his hand closer and pressed a kiss to his fingertips, trying to explain how she had started a new book before she had truly finished the other one, how she was scared that if she didn’t try to work out her feelings, it would only lead to their decimation and ruin further down the line.
What she didn’t expect was his kindness. Rosie broke to see that unfaltering man before her hold it together. Think on it, he said. Think. Could she think anymore? The weight of his unutterable tenderness pressed her hard to the earth and she covered her face with her hands as she cried, feeling his lips press to her forehead as he left. It didn’t matter that everyone was staring as she cried into her palms, unable to watch him go. Everything hurt too much. She didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore, it felt so often like she left a trail of destruction in her wake with people who deserved so much better than what she gave them.
As the waitress came over, softly asking Rosie if she was okay, Rosie jumped up, startled and apologising as she rushed out of the coffee shop, running for a bus home, barely able to see as she made it on, tumbling into the back seat, exhausted, heart sore and lost. She just had to take time. Her signing was on Thursday, a talk next week. She could take it one day at a time. She owed it to Aiden, she owed it to both men to take time to examine her heart and find the answer. Even if there was no answer, there still was a pathway to choose. As the bus bumped along, heading into suburbia, Rosie didn’t notice her stop went past. Finally, stripped of memories, books, thoughts, phones, networks, she could lie in silence and cry herself into her oceans.
