what are the memories I keep? which ones do I remember? have I forgotten important ones key to my personal development? I know that I want a lot of them tattooed on me, next to one another, like a complete picture. I've so far got two on my left arm. I just wish more detail wasn't so pricey, but I understand why it is.
- st paddy's day, preschool, Florida, playground with themed playsets, our class was searching and collecting in styrofoam (?) cups tiny shiny green confetti of shamrocks. there was probably some prize of a lollipop after this. not sure why but this has stuck with me, with no outside suggestion. and I'm damn sure I remember it right.
-8th grade, gym, volleyball, I serve the ball straight into the net, guy in front of me turns, looks me in the eye and says "wow. you're just a waste of space." soon after, I retreat unnoticed to the shower section of the girls' locker room, and crouch behind the partial wall in the corner, crying. no one came looking, no one happened to see me when gym was over and they were changing into school clothes. a gym teacher found me and talked with me in her office. she gave me back a silver necklace with an aquamarine pendant I didn't realize I had misplaced. I think I thanked her even though distraught. I don't know if I felt better after talking. I don't know if I continued the school day or told the person I thought was my best friend. but to this day, I remember that horrible boy, one of my few bullies and I wonder if he was the beginning of my depression. I wonder if it was then that I unknowingly began to believe I was worth less than what my parents showed me. I know that every relationship I've had happened because I was starving for proof that there were people who wanted to be constant in my life, disregarding if I was even physically attracted to them or felt a solid connection. I really don't want any of that tattooed on my body.
