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I took on the nickname "Murphy's Law Magnet" in my lab. It's kinda funny, but very true, since everytime I did experiments, something (and one time, nearly every single part of the system, albeit during different runs) would go wrong, no matter how closely I tried to follow directions.

It's good to be that kind of person in lab. Helpful too since it makes your protocols robust.

But I feel like that sort of attraction to error has spread into my job.

I'm just seeing patterns because it's hard to comprehend that life being harsh is just random events that just so happen to occur close together.

I'm just having a very hard time lately. And because I don't have anyone around IRL, I come on here. Even if it's just to tell the void I'm not doing okay. It gets it out of my head to at least mitigate some of the festering.

#ruby vents #ruby rambles #sad ruby

Apparently, Christmas for me this year is just not a holly jolly good time.

#ruby rambles #sad ruby

I'm so tired during the day. And I keep taking asleep for 1-2 hours at a time. It's hard to even get 3 or 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep. Let alone more than 6 a night. If I can fall asleep at night

I don't know if it's fatigue, or insomnia, or stress or what the hell it is. I want to look forward to doing cooking, instead of viewing it as a chore that I think I'll have to power through.

#ruby rambles #sad ruby

I'm just so tired of everything right now

#ruby rambles #sad ruby

If in my dreams I find myself asleep, and trying desperately to wake up or to stay awake and still unable to fight back the tired, then something must be wrong with me

#ruby rambles #sad ruby

I'm not okay and I don't know how to fix it

#sad ruby

It's probably not a good idea to respond to the question “Are you okay?” with “never, what do you need?” but that's where my brain is at at this point

#ruby rambles #sad ruby

You know, I realize that work see my as a commodity. And as this point, I am unfortunately treating myself as a commodity. But what I wonder but do not have the strength rn to figure out is if I've been treated as a commodity rather than a person most of my life and that's why treating myself with respect feels horrible

#ruby rambles #sad ruby #trauma

#sad ruby

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