#ruby vents

[selkypostergirl]

Maybe I’m just being bitter right now but God Fucking Dammit do I resent how much my ADHD meds make a difference in my work rate. I’m currently working through the night on a work project and I’ve been flying through it because of said meds, and all I can think about is how much I can *feel* the difference between this state and my non-medicated state. I resent that my resting dopamine levels are a fucking albatross on my neck. I resent how unreliable my brain makes me. I resent how my unmedicated mind has the short-term retention on par with the half-life of the fucking post-transuranic elements. I resent that I can do 24 hours of work in 8 but that ratio can swing in the opposite direction without warning. I resent how much of a fucking struggle it is for any kind of work I want to do, and that’s not even getting into the myriad of emotional problems my ADHD causes. I resent being unmedicated and *knowing* I’m capable of more. I resent the all-too-temporary nature of the meds, made worse by my extremely fast drug metabolism. I resent having to keep one eye on the clock because if I don’t then I’ll be down again before you can say “good job on your work Ruby.” But most of all, most of FUCKING ALL, I resent how god damn invisible it is. All that other people can see is Ruby the slacker, Ruby the unreliable, Ruby who never gets to work on time. I’m well-practiced at being chewed out for consequences of my ADHD and every time it happens I get to see that look of disappointment in their eyes, that look of frustration, that look of “I don’t understand why you failed like this.” And it’s nigh-impossible not to internalize that and hate yourself for it.

I’m trans, I’m autistic, and I’m ADHD. The first two, while marginalizing and stressful and sometimes disabling, are parts of me that contribute to my personhood and perspective, parts of me that I feel that I can love and cherish. ADHD is none of that. It’s almost exclusively negative and I’d get rid of it in a heartbeat if I could.

In conclusion:

ADHD is a Real Fucking Disability

[luverofsupernatural]

Okay. How do y'all keep your positivity up? I feel like everything is crumbling/heading for shit.

[luverofsupernatural]

because I can’t talk normally about this, this is prose poetry

I am very much worried about myself. I worry I may have severe depression but that I am just calling it intermittent sadness. Because whenever I feel like I am actually doing terrible, whenever I write the words down or acknowledge the thought fully, My brain decides to disprove it fully heartedly. Whether it be bringing up that I smile and laugh at videos Or that it decides to be nice and upbeat for the following three days after saying so, Or that I'm actually still functioning (i.e. eating, mild chores, work). And it makes me feel like calling myself depressed, or sad, or exhausted, or not okay Invalid. Because even though I don't feel content most days, Or the fact that most every action feels like a chore Or that I can't sleep at night Or that it's hard to get out of bed in the morning Or that I don't get joy out of piano/drawing/writing but they are just things I do now Or that I normally can't stay focused on a video/show/movie unless I'm trying to sleep Or that I hate the question "how are you?" because I always want to lie and say I'm fine instead of saying I think you should be worried about me

Or that I don't feel okay talking to people about this because I think they won't believe I'm not fine because I still make myself do things. My brain deems that I'm okay enough. And I know I'm not okay.

[luverofsupernatural]

I took on the nickname "Murphy's Law Magnet" in my lab. It's kinda funny, but very true, since everytime I did experiments, something (and one time, nearly every single part of the system, albeit during different runs) would go wrong, no matter how closely I tried to follow directions.

It's good to be that kind of person in lab. Helpful too since it makes your protocols robust.

But I feel like that sort of attraction to error has spread into my job.

I'm just seeing patterns because it's hard to comprehend that life being harsh is just random events that just so happen to occur close together.

I'm just having a very hard time lately. And because I don't have anyone around IRL, I come on here. Even if it's just to tell the void I'm not doing okay. It gets it out of my head to at least mitigate some of the festering.

[luverofsupernatural]

Why show an appointment timr available if it's not actually available

[luverofsupernatural]

why do people who tail-gate think i'm going to go faster? I'm doing the rate of traffic but. Fuck off an learn some patience and stop trying to kill people to save all of 5 seconds.

[luverofsupernatural]

I feel like such a karen making a noise complaint, but what the fuck are people doing playing guitar/bass for an entire hour at 3am?

[luverofsupernatural]

I fucking hate whatever neighbor is making noise. It's isolated to my bedroom, whenever I went to try and look for it I couldn't hear them, and now that I've contacted security (because this is a recurring problem and apartments are built so sound bounces around and you cant pinpoint it's source), this one fucking time, they stop making noise before 6:30am.

I feel like I'm going to be labeled a boy who cried wolf person and all the while I'm being tormented by guitar man. Like fucking hell guy. Why this one time did you change your behavior? Did he fucking hear me from the other room, when I was talking at normal volume?

I don't want to be labeled and unreliable kook by my landlord. I just want some fucking sleep