#sadladder

[sadladder]

Phone kept bugging while watching play pals the room two and this was a screen I was stuck on for a moment, much enjoyment.

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Yay! No more babies for me!

Had my first surgery today, was super anxious and just wanted it to be done and over with. Thankfully the surgery was an outpatient procedure and got to go home and i didn't have to deal with staying in the hospital. Even though i was dreading it I'm glad I made the decision and had my tubes removed but back to how it went. Surgery was delayed about an hour and a half so that did not help with my nerves one bit. Once finally in the O.R. was only wake for about 10 minutes for the prep and anesthesia to be done then next thing I knew I was back in the room where I started, to the nurse saying my name over and over. I did not want to wake up that's for sure, first time I've really slept in almost 5 years and dang it I did not want to get up. My mouth tasted horrible and my lungs hurt that was for sure. They decided I was awake and coherent enough to go home. Then after getting home my shoulders started to really hurt, i think from the way my arms were put, and then my belly started in the midst of that pain so I start crying. I have to be really not feeling it for me to cry about it, I really felt like a little kid crying over pain to be honest. Other than the pain it wasn't bad at all, kinda mad at myself for working myself up over nothing. Now I'm going to be heading to bed and hoping I feel a little better tomorrow.

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I'm really over this. I want him to move out and her to go with too. I'm over being treated this way. I shouldn't be disrespected the way I am. I have made sacrifices in my life that I have not wanted to but have had to for the better interest, but it's not seen as such. I've missed out on so much just to make sure to provide and I get treated like I made a bad choice but no one else was going to do it so I did. Now I'm being told to put my trust into someone who hasn't worked in over 3 years to just start doing it. Since I've known him he's had 3 jobs, maybe, and none of them lasted over a year. I've been at my place of employment going on 3 and a half years and paying for everything myself with very little to no help. The times I've had to ask for help it wasn't given by him other than one time after one of the children were born and I made him and was met with the utmost resistance. I'm not going to be fooled it to believing he's going to "step up", not at this point when all he really ever does is play video games, stare at his phone or sleep. I've busted my ass and yes work doesn't value me and yes it's not what i want to do with my life but fuck it pays the bills, keeps us from living on the street and I'm not fretting about will I make it this month. Even if he swears he'll do it, I doubt it will last long, he doesnt want to abide by others schedules. It's do it at his pace or its not happening. I'm over it.

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I feel so flustered and wish I could get out of my own head. Why can't I just ask a simple question? The worst the answer could be is no but then I would know. Fuck.

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Just ignore me

I am beyond frustrated with how my life is going at this current time. I'm frustrated that I still have to live in the same house as my ex because he wont do anything with his life and argues that its also his place even though i pay all the bills and rent. He moved his girlfriend in the day after I gave birth to our 4th child. Like who the fuck does that? Then the girlfriend treats me like im not my children's mother and disregards what i want for my children. Like who the fuck are you? Youre not their mother 1 and 2 you're living in my house without my permission and are not paying for anything other than your habits and gas. Then has the audacity to think I dont know what today's date means to my children's father, i was with him for 4 years and living together for 5. I knew his best friend before I knew him, his best friend had already dead for 3 years before i met him. I purposefully took today off so he wouldnt be alone, today was supposed to be my first day back to work but i made sure to be home so he could do what he wanted and not have to worry about the children. I woke him up this morning because his nephew was born this morning and i knew he would want to know that his sister had to have an emergency c-section. I know him a hell of a lot better than what you may think. Fuck im frustrated and have to go back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks and I'm not ready but i know no one else is going to support my children so regardless of how upsetting it will be to leaving for work tomorrow I have to do what i have to.

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Oh sh*t this is neat.

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Growing older is hard because I've come to realize that the people I thought would never judge me are around people who judge me and they allow it to dictate their choices. I don't want this person to not be part of my life but it's starting to look more like they don't want to be part of mine. I already lost a friendship with someone I didn't think I would ever lose this year and it's really starting to look like I'll lose the only other person I have that I call a friend because they are around people who don't think much of me. I've always known I'm better off alone but Damnit I don't want to be alone.

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I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to keep feeling this way. I just want it all to stop. I can't turn back time but it I could I wouldnt be here.