May 25, 2012
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A look at of Sal's pre-Telethon Public Access show, The Sal Stevens Show. Featured are his pathetic brother Percy (Joe McAdam), and three hiLARIOUS prank calls (Steve Winchell, Sean Rose, and CJ Toledano)
P’Sal’s Presidential Pixc, by Sal Stevens
It’s coming up to, or is, that year again! The time that we Americans line up at the ballot box and drop in the name of our favorite presidential candidate. Unfortunately due to my being a prisoner of forces beyond my comprehension, I am not going to be able to vote this year. I will instead use the bully pulpit offered by this Internet-Blog. I am also completely unaware of who is running, because I rarely get word from the outside world.
Given that I don’t know anything about the candidates, I would like you to take those two who are running, and compare them to these two people that I know very well. Vote for the candidate who fits my endorsed description. I recommend that you vote for my old friend, Toby Whitkind of Mooseport, against Gary Piercewick, also of Mooseport. Toby was my barber and did his best to make me look my best, whereas Gary stole my car. Gary used to live across the street from me, and he envied my navy blue AMC Gremlin. I would see him stare at me as I started it up, pulled into drive, and went onto my way to continue my barrier breaking job as the first male weatherman at the local television station (they didn’t have a weatherman before me).
It boils my blood to think of Gary driving around in my car. Gary was divorced fifteen years ago. I think it has to do with his stealing nature. At neighborhood potlucks I would take his wife, Betsy, aside and let her know that she was married to a thief. She would laugh and say I was funny, but this was well before I took comedic hosting classes, so I doubt that I was really funny. She was lying, he probably turned her against me. Post-divorce, I tried to talk to her, but she didn’t want to talk to me, even though I would have made her crack up.
Gary had the Mooseport Police Department in his back pocket. I went to Chief Sedgwick and reported that my car was missing. He said he would “put his best men on the case”, but nothing ever happened. Later that week I saw him joyriding around with the Chief. They’re all in it together, don’t vote for people like the Chief. He’s a crook, letting criminals like Gary drive around like maniacs.
Many years later when I was famous and living in Hollywood, I was in a costume on the Walk of Fame when I saw Gary there, showing one of our great national landmarks to one of his snot faced kids that he probably had custody of that weekend. I walked up to his little girl, took my red dog head off, and told her that Clifford wasn’t real. She starting crying, probably not because she believed that Clifford the Big Red Dog was real, but rather because I was screaming at her. Gary took her hand and ran off, afraid to handle me, likely because I was outfitted in an intimidating dog costume.
Gary is dead now. You can’t vote for him.
I don’t know if he actually stole my car.
I ruined his funeral.
Vote for Toby.