is there a space somewhere in your world (that was always for me?)
summary: After dodging Carmy for about a week, he shows up on your doorstep
title from: "To Love" by Suki Waterhouse
word count: 3.9k
content warnings: reader has a menstrual cycle but can still read gender neutral, Carmy's like a big frickin dork, carmy manhandles reader a little, nothing super crazy this time around
side note: for clarification, takes place pretty closely after the tiffrank wedding. readers at least still bitter about it. Olive really helped with this one! everyone give her a kiss and say thank you
series masterlist!
Carmen Berzatto makes it very difficult for you to ignore him. On top of already taking up much of your thoughts, he's persistent about seeing you. Which wasn't usually a big deal, you were just as adamant sometimes.
Something in you creates a deep sick feeling whenever you think about seeing Carmy right now. There's a tug in your chest and you tell him you're busy or just can't see him. You think it works out when you start your cycle, giving you a longer excuse to keep dodging Carmy.
C: Hey
C: Can I see you?
The request makes your stomach flip. It's not like you're lying, but his persistence makes you anxious. Eventually, you're going to have to see him again.
You: no.
You: started my period yesterday
Bubbles appear a few times while Carmy types. Usually, he gets the hint and backs off for a few days.
C: Is Claire there?
C: I can come and cook. No funny business.
You brush off his offer, telling him Claire was still mulling around the apartment before her shift. You'd probably go to bed after seeing her off, curl up on the couch with some trashy show on to keep you company. His offer surprises you, and you don't think it'll happen again.
But, despite your words, Carmy's already messaging Marcus, asking how quickly he can whip up a batch of brownies.
Carmy doesn't want to consider how odd this is, sitting in his car down the street from your house.
He glances at the bags in the passenger seat, anxiety biting at his nerves.
While he waited for Marcus to get back to him, Carmy did a bunch of reading. He found several different articles listing different foods and ingredients that supposedly help with cramps. He also found articles listing different home remedies or activities for partners looking to help.
Not that Carmy really considered himself your partner but... He didn't not? Carmy never thought too hard about a label for what you guys do or are to each other. But he didn't see the harm in preparing himself to support you. And he was your.... Friend? Whatever he was, he wanted to help.
Movement catches his eye and he perks up a little. Carmy watches as Claire locks the front door to your house before she goes down the steps. He ducks back slightly, even as she heads in the opposite direction from his car.
Carmy gives it a few more minutes before he scrambles out of the car, rounding to the passenger side to collect the bags there. He holds them in one hand as he slings on his overnight bag and locks his car.
Then, Carmy heads for the door.
"What the fuck?" You startle, not expecting Carmy on your doorstep.
"Don't- don't ask questions," he tells you. "I have brownies... and other shit, so can I come in?"
You're at a loss for words, taking Carmy in. There are two reusable grocery bags in one hand and a backpack strap slung over his shoulder.
"Y'gonna let me in, sweetheart, or are ya gonna rob me blind?" The question makes you snicker before you step to the side. Your eye catches on his backpack as he passes.
"What's in the survival bag?" You poke, shutting and locking the door after he enters.
"Just some stuff in case I get mauled again." He says it casually, toeing his shoes off next to the door. You can see the small smile pulling at his lips and you wish you could push him back into the hall.
"Fuck off," You tell him, grabbing both of the grocery bags from his hand. He lets you take it, going to set his backpack on the couch before he comes back to the kitchen. You've set the bags on the counter, before hopping on top of the surface, peeking inside one of them.
"What is all this?" You ask, moving some of the items around.
"Quit pawing at it," He pulls your hand out of the bag, setting it back on your lap. You make a noise at him, watching while he takes things out and sets them on the counter behind you. Most of what he pulls out looks like ingredients. Different fruits, vegetables, meat, and fish that he stores in the fridge.
The items change at the bottom of the second bag, a box of chamomile tea, a heating pad, a few different painkillers, and a clear pan of brownies.
"You made those?" You ask, leaning to get a glimpse of the glass pan.
"Uh," Carmy looks at them before looking at you. "Marcus. Marcus made 'em."
You nod, watching him walk to the stove before setting it to a preheat temperature. "Tell him I said thanks."
Carmy nods, stacking the non-food items to the side along the edge of the counter. Once he's got everything organized how he likes, he looks up at you. His gaze is soft while he takes in your appearance and you watch idly as Carmy walks around to your side of the counter.
"Can I get a kiss?" He steps up next to you along the counter. You give him a look and he huffs softly. "Can't even get a kiss now?"
"You just don't usually ask," you tease before leaning in to kiss him. Carmy makes a noise of content, chasing after your mouth to press another kiss to your lips. Then another. And another.
You have to bring a hand to his hair to tug him away. Carmy lets out a groan of complaint, leaning back into your touch.
"You said a kiss," you remind him.
"Policing kisses now?" He sighs and you give him a grin.
"Can't have you getting distracted and worked up." You tease him and he huffs.
"Just take care of it in the bathroom..." he grumbles, making you tug his hair again.
"Weirdo," you tell him before he's pressing another kiss to your mouth.
"Missed you," he confesses quietly, giving you a second kiss. You hum, ignoring the tug at your heart. "Where y'been?"
"Told you. Busy.." You mutter. You can tell he doesn't believe you, but you don't want to discuss it with him. To distract him, you give him another kiss, which he reciprocates happily.
Carmy finally pulls away, going back over to the food on the other side of the counter. You tell him where things are as he asks, eyes following him around the kitchen. It's not long before he's cutting up the different items of produce and setting them aside in different containers.
He talks you through what he's making, lists off the ingredients and spices he's using. Carmy tells you about how he found a few different articles listing different foods and produce that helped relieve bloating and cramps during menstrual cycles. It's a bit more difficult to hear what he's telling you when he's facing the stove, and away from you. He notices it too.
"Could you come over here?" Carmy asks over his shoulder, busy with the pan on the stove.
"Why?" You ask, making a face at his back.
"Well, because I'd like to look at you while we talk," Carmy says, and you can hear the sarcasm in his voice. You roll your eyes, bracing your hands on the counter.
"I'm comfortable here," you complain and he looks back at you.
"Well, you could be comfortable over here." He shoots back and you let out an exasperated sigh.
"No." You tell him, with a tone of finality like it'll change his mind. He grumbles something under his breath you can't quite make out, it makes you hum in question but he just shakes his head. You settle back when he doesn't say anything else for a few minutes, thinking you've won the debate.
Carmy leaves the stove to stand between your legs, hands coming to rest on your hips.
"Hi," you say softly, giving him a small smile as if you're not being a little impossible.
"You're very difficult today," He tells you, squeezing gently at your hips. You give him a simple shrug, like it makes up for everything. He gives you a look as his grip tightens around your waist and you're not sure if you like what it means.
You let out a noise of surprise as he drags you off the counter, hands sliding under your thighs. Carmy's steady as he carries you over to the counter between the stove and your refrigerator.
"There." He says softly, shifting you back a little. "Comfortable?"
"I guess," you sigh. He gives your thigh a quick pinch, making you laugh. "Smells better over here."
You watch Carmy as he tends the stove attentively. Most of what he tells you about the dishes goes over your head, but you appreciate the effort all the same.
"Y'know, I was doing some reading," Carmy starts, prodding the vegetables in the pan before he looks at you. "Some people said orgasms help relieve cramps.."
His face has a soft flush to it, something that could be attributed to standing over the stove. But you know better than that.
"You said no funny business, Berzatto." You narrow your eyes at him, making Carmy look away sheepishly.
"I was just sayin'," he puts his hands up defensively, keeping his gaze on the food.
"Mhmm." You hum, still looking at him suspiciously. Carmy's fighting a grin as he turns back to the food, and you give him a tap with your socked foot.
You both sit in silence as he continues to work on the salmon. Carmy cooks in batches, eyes flicking between two fillets before he determines they're good and sets them to cool. You don't have to ask to know it hurts his soul a little to let the food cool to be reheated later. He's already made it through most of the produce and fish, and it's not long before he's working on the chicken.
He sets the oven to preheat and you point in the direction of your glass pans, watching as he seasons the meat. It's not long before the oven beeps and Carmen slips the pan onto the top rack. He sets a timer with the appliance, moving the dishes he's no longer using to the sink.
"Saw my mom the other day," he says from where he leans against the counter. Carmy's got his arms crossed over his chest in a way that pushes up his pecs and makes you want to fall to your knees on the kitchen floor.
"Oh yeah? How'd that go?" You ask, letting your feet kick idly.
"Good," he shrugs. "Cooked for her.."
"Really?"
"Mhm," he nods, pushing off the counter to cross the kitchen. "Weird been back there now."
"I bet," you tilt your head slightly. "Street still look the same?"
"You haven't been back?" He asks, surprised. You shrug from your spot in the counter.
"They usually come here, make sure we're alive and living right. Claire usually goes back to the house and gives me the run down." He nods along as you speak, watching you closely. "You guys talk or was she just... DD?"
"Yeah uh.. We talked. She... She apologized for a lot of stuff. It was..." He trails off for a moment, chewing on the words. Carmy's gaze wanders around the kitchen.
"You don't have to talk about it," you tell him gently. He looks up at you, surprise in his gaze. "We don't have to talk about it tonight."
Carmy doesn't ask when he kisses you again, slipping to stand between your legs. This time it's longer than the others, letting him take the lead and kiss you dizzy. His hands grab at your thighs, kneading them softly. One of them comes up to your cheek, keeping you close.
You sigh against his lips as he tugs your hips closer to his. The hand from your hip snakes around to your lower back, palm flat along your spine. Carmy, whether he means to or not, starts rocking his hips against yours. It's a slow and steady rhythm, barely noticeable until he lets out a quiet grunt.
"Carm-" You mutter in warning. He groans softly against your mouth, hand moving from your back to your thigh.
"You can wait a week," you tell him and he scoffs.
"Been waiting more than a week already." He complains. Despite his words, Carmy shifts back so there's a little more space between your bodies.
"Good.." You mutter softly and he lets out a groan.
"Don't start with that." He tells you and you have to fight a laugh. Instead you give him a small grin, giving him a quick peck.
"Finish the food, Carm. 'M getting hungry." You give his hip a soft squeeze as a means to prompt him.
"You're so demanding..." Carmy teases before giving you another quick peck.
"It's not everyday I have a Michelin star chef at my disposal," You bite back, smiling when he gives you a look. He gives your thigh a quick squeeze.
"Literally fuckin' do. You just don't utilize him." There's a deeper meaning to his words that make your throat close up. You don't know if he meant it, and you don't want to find out.
"Finish the food, Carmen."
After you and Carmy eat, he takes some time to clean what he's used. He doesn't let you help much, instead tasking you with putting away what he prepped. While you're putting away the tuberware, Carmy sets the dishwasher to run and stacks the last of the dishes in the sink.
Carmy follows you over to the couch, placing a kiss on your temple as he grabs his bag. "Gonna go change.."
You let him go, settling on the couch with a blanket draped over you as you lay back. You take your phone out of your hoodie pocket and turn on an alarm, set for just after six in the morning. Just in case Carmy's still around the apartment as Claire starts to leave work. It'll give you enough time to get him out and clean up the place.
Carmy doesn't take long to change, coming out of your room after a few minutes. You pause when you glance up at him from your phone.
"Is that all you have to wear?" You ask, raising a brow. Carmy looks confused, nose slightly scrunched.
"What'd'ya mean?" He asks. "Is there something wrong with it?"
"No, it's just... Your dicks like.. Out."
"No the fuck it's not-" He starts defensively. You don't miss how he glances down at his lower half, maybe a little self-conscious.
"It's not like... Bad. It's just y'know.. There." You shrug. Carmy almost looks a little offended when you say it.
"Want me to go put pants on?" He asks pointedly, motioning back towards your room.
"I never said that," you tell him. "I was just commenting on it."
"Okay.." He huffs, turning around to go and turn off the lights in the kitchen. You watch idly as he does, eyes tracing his form as Carmy walks back towards the living room. You set your phone on the coffee table, settling deeper into the cushions.
"Come here," You open your arms as best as you can from your position on the couch. Carmy hums, coming over and climbing on top of you carefully. "Y'sure? I'm not gonna like, squish ya too much?"
You grumble quietly, wrapping your arms around his middle and pulling him onto you. He makes a noise of surprise before getting settled on top of you more, wriggling around so he's supported by the back cushions. "Better?"
You nod, adjusting as he moves his arm under the pillow, providing a slight extra cushion.
"She just lets you set up shop on the couch?" Carmy asks.
"When she's at work, yeah. No one here but me so," You shrug before you start to move under him.
"Careful.." He mutters and you roll your eyes. You wiggle around enough that Carmy's body is pressed against the back of the couch, his head resting on the pillow. He's positioned in a way that his hips are still resting against yours, your legs tangled together.
"You're warm," you mutter, pressing your face to his collarbone.
"Better than the heating pad?" He asks, voice muffled by your hair.
"Much," you tell him, rubbing a thumb over some of the exposed skin of his back. He brings his free hand to rest against your hip, slipping under your sweater to knead the flesh on your side.
"I was readin' and they said something about abdominal massages helping," He offers softly, the heel of his hand pressing firmly into the skin.
"You did an awful lot of reading, Carm. Trying to impress somebody?" You pull back to glance up at him. "Trying to see if any of this works before trying it on your other side piece?"
It's meant as a joke. Poking fun at how much he's read up on menstrual cycles just for this moment. But Carmy's brow furrows and a small frown pulls at his lips.
"There's no other side piece. You think you're a side piece?" He asks genuinely, gaze searching yours.
"No... Carm, it was a joke," You assure him quietly, tucking a few stray curls behind his ear. "Giving you shit for learning so much."
"You're not my side piece. There's no one else," He says it firmly before placing a quick kiss on the palm of your hand. The admission makes your stomach twist, and you scramble to come up with something to bury it with.
"Good. Don't need to be worrying about getting a disease on top of sneaking you into the apartment." You try to push the feeling down, and he gives you a huff.
"Wouldn't do that to ya," He mutters. "Not your side piece, am I?"
The questions makes you laugh before you give him a grin.
"Barely have time for you, don't think I'd be able to have two side pieces." Your admission makes him smirk, and without you knowing, soothes the anxiety in his stomach.
"Good, cause I don't like to share," His voice is gruff, and his hand slides from your hip to grope your ass gently. You make a noise of surprise, leg jerking slightly and knocking against his.
"Don't I fucking know it," You grumble before pressing your face back into his neck.
"How about that massage?" He asks again, hand sliding down the knead at your thighs softly.
"Maybe later, before I have to kick you out," You sigh. "Just want to lay for a little bit.."
"Okay..." Carmy whispers, wrapping his arms around you. "Y'want me to put something on?"
"Mm no..." You let your eyes flutter closed, letting your forehead press against his collarbone. He lets out a quiet 'alright' before he's tracing soft patterns along your back.
You don't mean for it to happen, but after a few minutes, your breathing evens out. Carmy knows you're asleep when you press your face against his chest, ear pressed to his sternum like you're listening for a heartbeat. And maybe you are.
"Hey..." Carmy's voice is soft. You hide your face in his neck, squeezing tight around his middle. "Know you're awake..."
"No, 'm not.." Your voice is muffled against his skin and he huffs.
"I gotta go," he tells you gently and you can't help but whine. "I know, I know. But Claire's on her way home..."
You groan loudly, loosening your hold on him. You don't miss the huff he lets out, giving his side a soft pinch. Carmy lets out a soft 'hey' as you start to untangle yourself from him, blinking sleep from your eyes.
"Didn't mean to sleep so long..." You mutter, stifling a yawn.
"It was late," he shrugs. You hum, looking around for your phone.
"Did the alarm go off?" You ask. Carmy nods, and you look at the time quickly. "Why didn't you wake me up?"
"Thought you could stand to sleep in," he tells you, moving your legs so he can sit up. "B'sides, we have time."
You make a noise, checking your phone for anything from Claire. You're greeted by nothing, thankfully. Carmy leans against you, pressing kisses to your neck and shoulder.
"You gotta go get dressed," you sigh, letting your head rest against the top of Carmy's head. His curls tickle your cheek as you let your eyes fall shut, fighting the urge to doze off.
You pat his knee, silently urging him to get up. It works. Carmy presses a quick kiss to your cheek before getting off the couch and heading to your room.
You glance back at your kitchen, looking for anything that would give away that Carmy had been over. You don't spot anything immediately, making a mental note to put the leftover dishes in the dishwasher. You listen to Carmy move around your room, sinking into the couch.
It doesn't take him very long to get ready, coming back to the living room with his backpack over his shoulder. When he comes back to stand in front of you on the couch, Carmy puts out a hand to help you up. You take it, pulling yourself off the couch, letting yourself stumble into him when you overcorrect. Carmy makes a small sound when you bump into him, his other hand coming to your waist to steady you.
You trail after him as he walks to the door, tugging down your hoodie a bit more. The air outside is warm when Carmy opens the front door, it makes you shiver slightly when it hits your bare legs.
He pulls you into a hug, arm slung around your shoulders as he pulls you close. You wrap your arms around his middle, melting into the hug slightly. You make a noise of complaint when he pulls back a little but Carmy makes up for it when he ducks in for a kiss, and you're not surprised when it's a long one.
"You gotta go..." You mutter against Carmy's lips, but you don't let go of him just yet. And to be fair, Carmy's not ready to let go of you yet either. His hands are steady on your waist, keeping you close.
"Bring you to my place next time..." Carmy promises, giving you another kiss. You hum in agreement, letting him press two more kisses to your mouth before pulling away.
"Okay, seriously. Get going," you urge him.
Carmy sighs softly before pressing a kiss to your temple. "Let me know how you like those dishes, okay? I'll write some of them down to make again."
You nod, letting him cling to you a little bit longer. "You'll get all my reviews, chef."
"Okay," Carmy laughs, starting down the steps.
"Let me know when you make it home," You don't know where it comes from. It startles you slightly but it's swept away when Carmy grins and gives a quiet 'alright.' You watch Carmy climb into his car and wait for him to pull away from the curb before stepping back inside. You make sure to lock the door to keep Claire from asking about it when she gets home.
You sigh when you go back to the living room, eyes trailing over the couch and to the kitchen. The apartment feels impossibly empty again. You hate it.