#salvations two paths

[blissfulalchemist]

He was going to destroy her. He nearly had before, but his vanity and his egocentrism had rendered him too myopic to truly see into the heart of her and do the damage that he'd craved. This time, she would not escape unscathed; he was going to make her suffer and do it so well that she might even grow to crave it—until it sent her plummeting. Until it left her broken and bleeding. Until he ripped her heart out.

Nenia Campbell, Quid Pro Quo

[blissfulalchemist]

The Tower - Catlina Rojas

The Tower is a representation of destruction. The Tower often comes up when everything in your life feels like its crumbling, and you have no way of stopping it. The message of this card is to just let it fall. The weakest parts of your life must be torn down in order to build something strong and sturdy in their place -- something that can last a lifetime.

🔮 requested by @honeysides​

[blissfulalchemist]

36. total control

Thank you so much for sending this in! Have something that’s a little more from Faith’s POV but still in Cat’s canon.

No warnings and just a little over 1k words.

Her brown eyes plead and fill with tears, a wispy green fog creeping over the whites of her eyes, all the while tan trembling hands grasp onto her new sister’s pale hands. “You have to help me. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know this would happen.” Faith runs her fingers through Mary’s dark brown hair, smooth and easy and perfect, even as she sobs into the white lace of her dress. She finds it hard to believe that this woman, specifically chosen by Joseph, did any of this by accident. 

With the way that she had seen Mary give and give more of the Bliss to those she claimed to “help”, how could she not have seen what it was doing to them. Couldn’t she see that they weren’t getting any better, just getting more and more compliant, leaving any issues that they had behind, and just willing to say yes to anything she asked them. Not one of them wanted to make her upset, not that Faith could blame them, didn’t want to see the potential consequences that lay beneath her innocent façade, could rival John in how she managed to mask the air he still had that made people uneasy. It had to be why she was picked and thrown into their ranks just like that. That accident just brought about the sympathy needed to enfold her in Eden’s Gate. 

“Please, Faith, please help me. Help them. You have to know what went wrong and how to fix it please. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

The more she pleads with Faith, really looks into her eyes….she seems so genuine in her words. But that’s the angle right? That’s the way Mary gets inside people’s minds, how she traps you into joining, to doing things one never would have thought to begin with. Look at Sarah, her young blonde bodyguard no more than sixteen and already acting like a soldier twice her age. Total control, that’s all Mary wants, just like she does. So this has to be some trick, some calculated plan, some way to drive Faith out of the only home she’s ever felt she’s had. 

Faith pulls the young woman from her, wiping away at her tears, “Oh Mary, I know. These things happen, don’t worry I’m going to fix it.”

“You will? Are-? Are you sure that you’ll be able too?”

Faith nods, walking Mary out of the conservatory, “Just trust me. I’m sure I can figure out a cure. A way to make these people who they once were.”

Mary nods, “Thank you, Faith. I really appreciate it.” Her breathing evens out swallowing back the last of her cries, “Oh just one more thing, please.”

“Oh,” Faith’s blue green eyes widen with a tilt of her head, voice calm and soft, “What is it?”

“Don’t tell anyone else about this. About-About what I did,” Mary hangs her head, face covered by a waterfall of dark waves, “I don’t-. I really don’t want people to think I-.”

“Shhh,” Faith smiles, bringing Mary’s chin up to look her in the eye, “Your secret is safe with me. I’ll handle everything.” She wraps her in a hug, “Just trust me,” she whispers, Mary giving only a nod in response. It’s a risk what she’s about to do. It could be a set up. For all she knows she’s playing right into Mary’s hands. The soft smile disappears from Faith once the car is out of sight, turning on her heel back inside to what used to be a guest bedroom. There a woman lies mumbling, eyes fogged over and focused on something so far away, her face pale, and heartbeat strong. Faith looks over to the makeshift bed next to her, a man in the same state just singing one of the hymns of Eden’s Gate. 

“How many did she say there were?”

“Excuse me,” a faithful member asks.

“How many people were left in this state? She gave a number, did she not?” The man nods, “Well. How many?”

“Twelve, so far.” Faith hums, holding her chin, “Sister Mary feared that more would develop given how close they were.”

“I see.” Her eyes flit back and forth between the member and the two unconscious before her, before finally pointing at the man, “Shoot this one.” The member doesn’t move, blinking away the wideness in his eyes, “You heard me. Shoot him.”

He nods and pulls out his handgun, letting off a shot into the man’s chest. The once unconscious man sits up suddenly with a scream that ends in a growl, body tensing and locked on his attacker. Another shot rings and the man pursues unflinching to the pain as a third and fourth shot go off. The member looks at Faith who gives a small nod, the final shot aimed at the head, turning into one more before the person finally falls to the ground. “Six shots ma’am.”

“Interesting,” her eyes fixate on the woman, “You.” The turning of her head is slow but eyes lock onto Faith once she meets her eyes, “Stand up for me.” In an instant she does what she’s told, waiting to hear more, “Go outside and start to pick the flowers that are ready.” The woman’s response is mumbled out and her jaw hangs a little slack as she meanders outside to the small fields, Faith never letting her leave her sight. She watches as the woman does exactly as she’s told and with the same care as if she wasn’t in this state. “Very interesting.”

What game is she playing at?, Faith watches letting the thought pass over and over again as there were only two outcomes. The first being that this whole thing is meant to fail, that Mary knew Faith would take advantage of it just to undermine her when things didn’t go as planned. The second being that Mary was telling the truth and this whole thing was something Faith could really use. You don’t win unless you gamble a little, “Have the doctor meet me at the convent and then get in contact with the Father. I think I may have found a way to handle some of the more unwilling of the flock.”

[blissfulalchemist]

crave microprompt for an OC of your choice?

Hello! Thank you for the prompt. Have a little bit of Liz in main canon. ☺️

No warnings. Just under 500 words

A person is born with two options: to either be violent or not be. To give into anger or to not. Every choice you make when you interact with someone can boil down to those two options. It's what I heard mom say again and again growing up. Never give into that anger, that violence, Liz, you can be passionate but never angry. I never got a response when I asked why.

Sometimes anger needs to be felt, to be dealt with, Liz. There are times where you must give into the anger and enact the thoughts it creates. Is that what happened to you, John? Is that how we ended up here in this mess? You spent so much of your life giving into the violence and anger I had been warned against that it's not hard to see the pain and misery it has caused you.

I'm the marriage of these two ideas, two ends of the spectrum, and finally do I feel at a loss on what to do at this moment. What do I do with the man kneeling before me with eyes starting to glaze over and the ever increasing weight of the gun in my hand paired with the burning of the knife on my thigh? He’s a dead man walking already singing the hymn to his funeral march. So is it more merciful to just shoot him point blank, an act that’s been seen to be described as passionate, then again no one just shoots without some kind of anger. If I take to the knife I know he’s going to feel every bit of anger. Not just mine either, hers too. I was born with my mother’s anger, who was soaked from the anger of her mother. It would never be considered a crime of passion, not when his tattoos hang by threads from his body.

“You should have gotten rid of that child when you had the chance! She’ll live to crave nothing but violence, just like her father!” “As if you’re so pure and absolved of all your anger!” “She was a mistake, Catlina! But what should I expect from someone like you?”

I wasn’t a mistake. No. Never. I was the correction. The one sent to finish what my mother started all those years ago. He, Joseph, my uncle by blood, the source of my mother’s pain, the source of mine, he was the last on her list. The one to end it all, the one where once he took his last breath and had one final heartbeat life would get better. Life would become so much better.

Peace would come and that’s all she ever wanted, all I ever wanted.

It’s here. Right here.

One move.

One. Simple. Move.

So why?

Why can’t I just pull the trigger?

Why can’t I just take this knife to his throat?

Why can’t I just end it?

Why. Can’t. I. Pull. This. Damn. Trigger?!

[blissfulalchemist]

This is mostly to get my thoughts on the whole thing in one place to come back to later for fic writing and I guess small explanation for what’s to come really. It probably is in circles a little but its whatever I just don’t want it sitting in my drafts and there’s a character limit on discord so its here instead. These are simply my thoughts so if there is disagreement with them please just ignore it.

I have thoughts on how I am trying to create the Bliss as this sort of entity and like I’ve played with the idea before but like now I’m really trying to write it out and explore it in a more personal manner as this piece I’m working on is the first time Chance is ever in the Bliss fully. Like he’s interacted with (what I will dub for brevity) Bliss!Faith outside of it but she stays looking like the in game Faith that we all know. These interactions were simply more small conversations and side effects from being in the area and drinking of the water so much like Cat, he isn’t super exposed to the full effects of it. But within the Bliss(or well the very pumped up gas filled bunker Faith has) Bliss!Faith is able to manipulate the world more, is able to be whomever she needs to be which is why she can be the previous incarnations of Faith.

Now a bit of more reasoning for me to have this be the case is because every incarnation of Faith had something to offer that eventually led to the bliss as it is now. Like to me something like that just doesn’t happen over night, it takes time to get to that point you know? But not all the Faiths had knowledge in chemicals and all that, seems a bit unrealistic, so they bring something else that was beneficial to the project and its mission. Eventually this would prove to be what would overpower the previous Faith and bring forth the next one.

While there are only two confirmed physical descriptors of the Faiths prior I had to take some liberty in Faith Prime because she would be the one that was from Georgia (giving her red hair and jade green eyes) as that seems to be a starting point for her in terms of the development of the project. Given that Joseph does say that Faith joined them while on the road it seems possible that this is true because why not, but it could also be possible that this is when the role was first brought about and used. What if this woman was one of the ones that stumbled in during the old meat packing warehouse days and stayed because she believed in what was being said. This Faith was one that was also addicted to drugs but soon got clean of them because of Joseph. She would also be the oldest as in my head she would be in her 30′s and closer in age to Joseph, this is due to the fact that there is some fanon and things that can be seen to implicate a more physical relationship with Faith, though not with all of them just this one, Just Faith Prime. Things like that would need some basis in order for that to be thought of, so possibly this was the Faith that had a relationship with Joseph when they made it to Montana and because of that there was some assumptions made about the other ones down the line but there was less evidence to provide as this would be the woman that no one would really know the name she had before becoming Faith so what else do you call her you know? But main point here is that she was the one that figured out a way to create the way to help people off their addictions with little negative side effect and allowed for that more Blissful feeling and openness to what Joseph had to say. This would be the first incarnation of Bliss and it worked for a very long time.

Fast forward to when they are making their way to Montana and maybe they come across a brother and sister pair that decide to join, by this point it was smarter for them to have the herald roles as everyone would want to be close to Joseph but that’s impossible so you have the opportunity to get close to one of his second in commands which is just as close you know. But Lana with her dark hair got close to Faith and worked with her and while she wasn’t very smart with the chemical aspect of the Bliss she was able to garner more followers, knowing how to twist stories and the truth to get trust to bring them in the fold. This was something that was appealing to Joseph and so he worked to also get her prepped as a replacement just in case, which worked in his favor as Faith Prime was seeming more and more like a jealous woman. I mean thinking about it Lana was most likely younger than her and prettier and with Joseph spending more time with her it wasn’t a far fetched thing that she would see herself losing someone that she loved. Honestly Faith Prime would have to have something like this that acted as a threat to the cult and its foundation and a woman scorned isn’t very good for so many reasons. Once it became too much she was killed off and replaced by Lana, along with Faith being more seen as the adopted sister to the brothers. 

There was probably some story to twist it into something that kept his followers close to him and to explain it all away. With Lana taking on the role it can be assumed that her brother or whoever wrote the note in the Angel’s grave started to part from the Project or just didn’t like who she was becoming and wanted to save her. He was too late as soon there was a replacement in line who was blonde and more of a local to the area, this would be the Faith that helped bring the Bliss into more of a hallucinogenic type of drug along with having a little bit more manipulation but this may be more due to the fact that I would see her as the youngest looking, creating this very serene and innocent look that could put people at ease. The living embodiment of this saving angel of faith. In game it’s stated that the blonde Faith was previously Selena and while she may not know all the ins and outs of how to make the Bliss work she knew enough to have ideas and just who to ask and work in order to have their support. So just what led to Lana’s departure? Simple, she just wasn’t as useful because Selena seemed to be the whole package that Joseph needed. 

I also see Selena as the shortest reigning Faith as Rachel (whom I’ve chosen to use as Faith for my canon) would have been the one that she worked on the most given her family history and own knowledge of chemistry. Selena still had family it seems in the county and maybe she was starting to see just how far Rachel was able to take the Bliss. While she may have believed in the message of Eden’s Gate there was something that happened that gave her the doubt in them and in Joseph (idk what but it would be something). By this point Rachel has shown exactly what she’s capable of and she is the most devoted and has the better manipulation skills and knowledge to keep the Bliss ever evolving. Hell Rachel probably used her tricks to get Joseph to start cutting ties with Selena so she could take over the role. Given the expendability of the prior Faiths it wasn’t that hard for the decision to be made and so eventually Selena was killed off and we have Rachel as the new Faith. 

Now this role was something that was built upon from the first Faith and so the reasons why there are four of them that live within the Bliss is because Rachel took something from all their teachings given that each one mentored the next in line. Each Faith still lives and exists in the teachings and so they live in this world that Rachel has created and cultivated to near perfection really. Even if Rachel wasn’t the only person to create it (given her education level) she still had enough of a hand in it to bring it to the level that is seen in game. Faith was more of a concept and a role rather than a person so their memories and presence can live forever in this place as each person will need something different to feel more at ease and react more positively. Each person will have a different Bliss!Faith, the one that they came into the project with, and it will be the one that they see when they enter Bliss.

Now the Angels are something that may have a different Faith that they even see because the one person that wouldn’t be seen only to a few people would be the ones that Cat created on accident. Within canon Cat was trying to find her place in the project and her purpose and thought that would be with Rachel/Faith as Cat wanted to help people and given her previous job it seemed like the perfect place for her. Cat though isn’t a doctor and figured that if she could regulate the amount of bliss a person took it could have the same effects that she was using it for (a replacement for her anti-depressants), but she messed up and her orders got misinterpreted and some people fell into the Angel state. In a panic she asked Faith for help and instead of helping them like she promised Cat she saw the opportunity that they presented. Faith set to work on perfecting the Angels and took all the credit for their creation (which honestly isn’t untrue really). When Cat asked about them Faith simply told her that until they could be cured they would have their place in the project so that they may serve god still. 

There’s a whole thing with Faith believing that Joseph was priming Cat to be her inevitable replacement but this fear was alleviated when Cat lost her child and was seen as a sinner among some of the Project. 

[blissfulalchemist]

Catlina Rojas - 10/26/1992

“Jax and I even found a karaoke machine,” he whispered, laughing as her hands moved under his shirt, fingers playing with the edge of his jeans, “Got it all set up too.”

She gasped, “Karakoke?! There’s karakoke tonight?” Theo nodded once more, “I LOVE karaoke!” Mary May handed over another drink cat taking hold of it, “Thank you Mary May. Did you hear?!”

“No darlin’, seems I missed the memo,” the woman responded leaning on the bar amused, “What’s happenin’?”

“There’s gonna be karaoke tonigh’ cause my hubby loves me sooo much,” Cat slurred, her free hand running through Theo’s dark hair, “Isn’ that awesome! People can sin’ their favorite songs! And e’eryone else ge’s to haf fun with them!”

“That does sound like a fun time,” Mary May laughed, “If it slows down I might join you for a song or two.”

Cat smiled looking up at Theo, “You hear that! She gonna join me for a song cause it’s my birthday!”

excerpt from this piece

[blissfulalchemist]

Hope you don't mind me sending one of these: Catlina - “you remembered?”

Hello there! I do not mind in the slightest! I'm sorry this took a while, but I have it finished for you! I do hope you enjoy though!

She still has about ten minutes before the meal is fully prepared and she’ll wait for another three hours in hopes that Liz will come. She has to come home at some point, Cat thinks leaning against the countertop folding her arms, It’s been almost two weeks. She lets out a slow breath, relaxing her body briefly, the shrill of the doorbell tensing her once more. Her eyes slide slowly towards the front door catching sight of the sleek black car parked in front of her house, Should I really be surprised at this point? She pushes herself off slowly making her way to the front door, pulling the cardigan closer, a soft knock out of time to her walk. 

Cat pulls the door open, the first thing she sees are John’s blue eyes darkened by the night. He smiles as she leans against the door, meeting him with a small smile, “Little late for missionary work don’t you think?”

John gives a small shake of his head, “Hilarious,” one of his hands holds a reusable shopping bag as the other gestures inside, “May I come in?”

She stiffened, heart picking up speed, “She might come back John,” Cat glanced back at the stove avoiding his gaze, at least nothing looked to be burning, “She won’t want to see you.”

His smile falters for a split second, “Well I’ll leave if she does show up,” Cat bites her lip, casting her eyes downward, “I just came to see you.”

She perks her head up, giving a small tilt, “You came to see me?” He nods, “Why?”

He shrugs, “Does there have to be a reason,” he asks, face not matching the apathy in his tone, “I figured you could use some company.”

She lets out a sigh, turning away back to the kitchen, “You better keep your promise of leaving if she shows up, John.” Cat leaves the door open, John following behind quickly watching as she moves about the small kitchen. He gives a smirk as he notes her familiar dinner pattern of having a meat, something heavy in carbs, and a vegetable to form a complete meal, he can only assume there’s some kind of dessert lying in wait in the refrigerator. 

He takes a seat at the round table, glancing around the room setting the bag on the floor next to him, “I’m surprised you didn’t find a house with a bigger kitchen my Catlina.”

“I didn’t need one,” she replies matter of factly, “Liz and I weren’t getting a lot of visitors so what was the point?”

“Because you could,” she still doesn’t face him head on, which is fine with him as he gets an opportunity to look at his ex-wife for more than just a few rushed minutes, taking in the new details about her. The way the grey in her hair shined through under the lights, how she moves about with more confidence than when he first saw her getting up from that bed seventeen years ago, and the sliver of art peeking out from beneath her shirt on her back making it easy to miss the scarred ends of sin if you didn’t already know of their location. “I made sure you’d have more than enough to get a nice place,” he muses, moving to stand.

Cat brings down the plates, three of them, with a huff, “I thought I made it clear I didn’t like using your money.” Her movements are sharp and short as she puts food on it, gripping the utensils with white knuckles.

“You did,” he sits himself back down as she walks over to him with a plate, “I just wanted to take care of you is all. You and Liz.” Cat gives a small eye roll, working to set the plate down gently rather than drop it like she wishes she could, it's part of her favorite set though.

Her jaw tightens moving to make her own plate, “I don’t need someone to take care of us. I managed just fine.” It’s a lie, his money came in handy when she kept moving hoping for a fresh start for Liz and then again when Cat had a breakdown the week Joseph became a fugitive. She never wants to tell him this though, doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction or the power over her. 

“You were the one that asked me for money though,” she splays her hands on the counter, nails digging into the faux granite, “So it seems like you did need me.”

“Only because I was at the last of my options,” she says through gritted teeth, “I set aside my pride for Liz because she needed a place that was safe and as free as one could be with her,” Cat paused, turning to look John up and down trying to hold back the sneer, “genetics. Ones that no one lets her forget once they know.”

His eyes narrow, a hand running through his hair, teeth grinding, “I am aware of her life and how it’s been Catlina, there’s no need to remind me.” 

“Never hurts to do so with you.”

John inhales deeply, closing his eyes, “There’s no need to bring this argument up once again, don’t you agree?” 

She glares at him a moment more before nodding, finally allowing herself to sit down across from him. Her shoulders fall with an exhale as she settles herself, eyes casting downward, replying softly, “I don’t really feel like arguing with you tonight anyway.” 

John lets the quiet loom, waiting for her to take the first bite before making any movement of his own. He shouldn’t have been surprised by how quickly the accusations started with her, her anger did always have its way of festering beneath the surface and John had always been the one that could draw it out. Little by little until it all flooded out and she was no longer the same person he had grown to love and care for. John smirks to himself at the memories of their first few weeks together, “Do you remember those first few weeks and we did nothing but fight all the time?” She glances up at him, “Sorry. When we did nothing but argue.”

“We didn’t fight all the time,” Cat mumbles, pushing the food around on her plate. “I didn’t really like talking to you, I remember that.”

John laughs, “You and I still talked quite a bit,” his teasing tone getting an eye roll from Cat, “and it always seemed to end with you stating an opinion that I didn’t agree with.”

“You know I wasn’t the only one giving opinions,” a smile teases at the corner of her lips, pointing the fork at him, “You baited me into those arguments. Tested my patience.”

“Not like it was hard to do, especially then.” John smiles resting his chin on his hand, “We were so different you and I, like oil and vinegar,” Cat snorts, giving a small shae of her head, “Pretty sure my brothers still wonder how we managed to actually end up falling for each other.”

Cat stiffens at the notion, swallowing the bite in her mouth, “There are people that believe they know how we managed that.” The memories of when she would call out to him in the months following her return to society and the calm responses of the doctors telling her that it was all made up, some side effect of whatever they drugged her with echo on the edge of her hearing. She swallows the memories back, “We did seem to meet up in some kind of middle, I’ll admit, even if it was brief.” Cat can’t even fake a smile as she casts her gaze down, no longer focusing on the plate in front of her. John slides the chair closer to her, reaching out to place his hand gently on hers.

He gives a small smile when she looks up at him, “There’s still time. We can always pick up where we left off,” Cat’s stomach flips, her chest pulling towards him while everything else backs away. He can’t be serious. He knows why we can’t, “After all, we do have a child together, so I doubt we’ll ever fully be out of each other’s life.”

“John,” she warns, looking up, “we’ve talked about this.”

“I’ll be good, don’t worry,” he says softly, “Just hard not to think about, on today of all days.”

Cat frowns, “What do you mean ‘today of all days’?”

He gives a genuine smile, something she forgot he could do, “It’s the day this all started.”

“You remembered,” she gives John a pointed look, arching a brow, “the exact day I finally woke up after the accident?”

“I could tell you the exact date if you’d like but it seems a little irrelevant considering that day passed.”

She opened her mouth ready to argue, closing it as she glanced at the digital clock on the wall the date spelled out for her. “Our wedding,” she whispered, eyes moving slowly to look back at John slowly, unease threatening to climb her spine, “That was today wasn’t it?”

He nods, giving a small hum, “Married seventeen years today.”

“I think illegally in the eyes of the law, technically, but that’s more your department,” Cat looks down to the bag still at his feet, “Is that why you brought that stuff?”

John gives a nonchalant shrug, “Kind of seems silly now, don’t you think? Especially since I was the only one of us to remember,” he laughs softly trying to keep the mood light.

“I used to remember it,” she admits pushing some of the food on her plate, “Used to fixate on that date to a point I’d get upset when it wasn’t.” Cat lets out a slow breath, “Used to convince myself that you would finally come back, would whisk me away from that place and we’d live out our lives happily, because surely my husband, who loved me so deeply and obsessively, wouldn’t just abandon me on our anniversary.” 

“Ah,” he hunches, leaning his elbows on the table, “I see.”

“Eventually days started to blur and I worked to actively not think about Montana. Honestly it became too painful to do so and I had Liz to focus on.” She shook her head, “So I’m sorry, I-well I needed to forget that date. Forget the significance of today.”

“I understand,” John attempts a smile that falls quickly, “The first one didn’t go so well for me either. I lost your ring….,” he sighs, “O well the dep-Chance stole it from me. Probably should have taken that as a sign looking back at it all.”

They let the silence fall, each taking small bites finding nothing either could do to lift the disappointment. Cat paused peering closer to the contents John had brought with him, the only thing she could identify with certainty being a bottle of wine. It’s just one night. It doesn’t have to mean anything long term, She bit the inside of her lip, It doesn’t even have to go beyond talking. She swallowed, inhaling deeply, standing to make her way to the cabinets, John watching curiously. 

She pulled down two goblets, one a smokey black and the other a deep red, giving them a quick rinse and drying them off before walking back to the table. “Now don’t read too much into this,” she started going back for the wine opener, “but given we were both sort of on good terms with the other at the time of our first anniversary I say that we let ourselves celebrate it late.”

John smirked, arching a brow, “Do you really think that’s a good idea, my Catlina ,” he asked, pulling out the bottle from the bag, taking the opener from her.

“I think it’s the nice and right thing to do,” she smiled giving a shrug, “Besides it might help us get some closure on us.”

He pulled the cork out with ease, eyes widening, watching as she poured their glasses. There was little hesitation to her words, something that he once again should have seen coming, still it did little to ease the sting, “Yeah, it could,” he agreed reluctantly, “We both can use the closure.” 

She threw him a smile, going to the fridge once more putting away the remaining dinner, John took a glance at the small purple wrapped box he pulled from his pocket as she announced her idea of celebrating. He took a deep breath sliding it back into place, opting to pull out the small container of chocolate covered fruit before Cat had turned back to him fully, his smile on to its full charm once more. He could let himself enjoy these few hours, let himself believe that there was a chance for them once more. John held up his glass once she sat down, “To celebrating our first and only year of marriage,” Cat laughed, tapping her glass against his before they took their first drink of the night. One night. She could let herself indulge in the fantasy she once, still, craved for just this one night. It didn’t have to mean anything more.

[blissfulalchemist]

“ loving you saved me. ” + catjohn xx

Have something that would take place after A Chance for Faith

Courthouses don’t look as grand as they do on tv. Then again Cat wasn’t in a courthouse in New York, she was at one in Montana. Helena to be more exact, can’t have a crime as big as this in just any old court, last time she was here they’d flown over it. She shouldn’t have been here, no one else wanted her too, not even herself, it was recommended by her therapist. It was to help in being able to confront the realities of what happened, disrupt the delusion of her time in Eden’s Gate, and help her heal. She had refused, both out of fear and just wanting to be done with the whole ordeal, but then they dangled the possibility of being able to have Liz back sooner if she did it.

The only reason Cat had done anything once it became clear that John was never going to speak to her again. Liz needed her, needed her mom to be as normal as possible so that she could lead some semblance of a normal life. The only reason that Cat enters into the quiet room reserved for people that are testifying in the trial. It wasn’t empty at least, there was a young man also waiting, his features familiar to Cat as she sat studying him.  

Most of his face was obscured from the curls of his brown hair, clean shaven with a light blue button up and black tie, Doesn’t dress up often does he?. It took a minute before he looked up at her with his green eyes, the recognition clicking. He had more of a beard going on last time she saw him, the circles under his eyes darker, and face covered in various cuts and bruises. He looked as uncomfortable back then to those news cameras as he did now, hands tapping along to some unheard beat. He gave a half hearted attempt at a smirk, “Haven’t seen you at any of the other trials.”

She blinked a few times, “I didn’t need to be. They plead guilty.”

“The grand jury ones,” he corrected, “The ones to determine if there was enough to go to trial.”

“I was….incapacitated,” Cat crossed her arms, leaning back in the chair.

“They lock you up too?” Her heart picked up speed, did he know what she did? No one knew, no one that wasn’t there knew right? Her bodies were blamed on someone else. “Probably should follow your lead, get myself checked into some mental hospital.”

Her shoulders fell, “Oh,” Cat pushed some of her hair back into place, “It’s not all what you would think it to be. You’re better off with out-patient therapy, no groups though, even if it is with the residents of Hope County. Won’t be of much help to you.” He sat back, holding his chin, giving a small shrug, “I’d recommend going with someone that specializes with war related PTSD.”

He shook his head quickly, “I’m not going to a veterans’ center.”

“There’s plenty of other places, Deputy,” he rolled his eyes, leaning his head back to look at the ceiling. “Can I ask you something?”

“Might not answer, but sure.”

“How did she die? Faith I mean.”

He searched the tiles above him, sighing, “I shot and killed the concept of her,” the deputy’s eyes met hers once more, “If you get what I’m saying.”

She’s still alive, Cat let out a breath, relieved, “Yeah. I do.” 

The door opened, a security officer holding it for the man following behind him. Even with the chains around his ankles there was no mistaking the cadence of his footsteps to Catlina, the black suit and slicked black hair the final indications on who had joined the two. The security officer sat John down at a table with a separate set of cuffs attaching the ex-herald to it. The deputy’s eyes narrowed, jaw tightening and arms crossed as he got up to move closer to Catlina, John’s eyes widening as he followed the movement. Cat couldn’t tell if her heart raced out of affection or rage, her hands wanting to reach out to John despite the stiffness in her body. What more can she do other than keep herself rooted there in that chair. No one thought to prepare her for seeing John in person again, it didn’t seem like a possibility. 

John righted himself in the chair, the officer checking the chains and cuffs secure before looking up to the young deputy. “They’ll be coming back for you in about five minutes or so Mr. Ruicknar,” the officer told him, “I trust you can handle him if he gets too unruly.” The officer didn’t elaborate any further, shutting the door behind his exit. 

The three of them stayed still, words drying up, Cat twisting the tips of her fingers trying to keep her gaze averted from John’s. She could just feel his eyes on her the entirety of that silence. The words she wanted to yell at him brimming in the back of her throat, the ache in her chest sparking the tears she couldn’t let fall, not if she wanted to present some kind of confidence around Joseph. She didn’t owe John anything, he was the one that sent her away, the one that never even cared when she told him about their daughter, nothing but radio silence. 

Watered down voices come into focus with the shaking of her hands, “Not everything that happens has an ulterior motive, Deputy.”

“Seems to be with you, Fashion Week,” Cat blinked a few times, shaking her head clear, hands rifling through her purse, “At least you’re tied down, can’t get any closer.”

The rattling of the bottle in her shaking hands, eyes searching for some kind of drinkable liquid, “The table to your left,” John said, his attention quickly back on the younger man, teeth gritted, “I’d never hurt her.”

The deputy leaned forward, as Cat made her way to the table grabbing one of the small water bottles, “Could have fooled me.” The door opened once more, two pills landing in Catlina’s palm, Ruicknar being called as she drank them, her back stiff. The deputy gently put a hand on Cat’s shoulder, “Just keep as far back as you can from him. I’ll warn the guy outside to pay closer attention just in case,” he whispered, eyes glancing back at John before he made his way out the door, leaving her alone with her biggest disillusionment. 

She steadied herself on the table, breathing deeply pushing the nausea away, she was going to be here for a while. She couldn’t leave the room and its size dwindled with every passing minute. Why did he have to be here in the room with her? Why now? This had to have been done on purpose, there was no other explanation. “I’ve never seen you so covered up,” John finally said, Cat taking in the black halter neck dress and navy cardigan once more. She didn’t own anything that would cover up all the scars without her dying in the warmer weather and the scrubs she wore weren’t really court appropriate. “It looks nice on you,” she didn’t justify him with a response to his compliment, John letting out a sigh, “I’d rather not sit in silence for the next hour or so Catlina.”

Her nails dug into the table, “You made it pretty clear you wanted nothing but silence between us.” She turned glaring, hands balled into fists, “So don’t try to start any of that with me.” 

His face stayed neutral, eyes following her as she returned to her seat, facing as much of her back to him as possible, “I regret it you know.”

“Sure you do.”

“I do. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I just left with you,” Cat bit her tongue, hugging herself tighter hearing the softness in his voice, “I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you after that, thought it would be easier for the both of us.”

“It wasn’t,” she spat out.

“Mr. Powell tried to give me one voice message in particular,” Going to need to be a little more specific, I left many, “He kept trying to tell me how important it was since he had listened to it already.” So Lance knows, “He never did tell me what was on it, even after I asked. He told me that I should have listened to it when I had the chance.”

“It wasn’t that important,” she whispered, “Most likely just another one of my pleas to hear from you.” The voice of her therapist repeated to her how little she owed to John and how it was going to be better for Liz that he never know of her. The latter having only been confirmation that he knew nothing of her existence. 

“Catlina please,” his blue eyes searched hers, face unwilling to give up any indication of his true thoughts.

“No,” she shook her head, “No, John. You don’t get to do that to me. You don’t get to ask me to give you an answer you didn’t want when it was first presented to you.”

“I didn’t understand what I was really running from back then.”

“And what? Now you do?”

“Yes.” His jaw clenched, looking down to his hands, his breathing deepening, “I didn’t want to acknowledge the pain, the regret that I still feel for throwing away the possibility of a future with you.”

She turned sharply, legs moving her closer to the table, “You should feel that way John. You should feel guilt along with everything else because you didn’t even fight for it. You gave up.”

“I know,” he growled, “I know how much you ‘fought’ for a future, a bright one, the one we talked about having one day. I know.”

Her hands slammed on the table, John flinching, sitting straighter in the chair, “You don’t know! You don’t know what I did to make that possible for us. How hard I worked to be so close to finishing what needed to be done, before you sent me away!” Cat leaned closer, a breath away from him, “You don’t know what I sacrificed for you, John. You can’t possibly know.”

He stood quickly, the chair scraping against the linoleum, eyes narrowing, “I do though. I know exactly what you did, Mary.” The smile that was always paired with the tone, the one that used to unnerve her with its poison, wasn’t present. The face she saw now, even with the darkened eyes and flaring nostrils, wore signs of disappointment….of a sadness that she hadn’t seen before, or one she could recall in their time together. “I figured out what you were doing pretty quickly and yet I still couldn’t let myself believe what was so clearly the truth. You talked about me having a mask on, there being two people, when in the end you also wore a mask. You became two different people, neither of which were the real you.” He glanced down, his hands relaxing, resisting the urge to place them over hers, ”So I had to send you away. I had to preserve that last bit of you that I could still identify as the Catlina who told me that she’d rather die than get to a point of treating people as less than human.”

She pulled away, swallowing back the emotions churning in her, threatening to over take her. The part of her that would forgive him, want to forget everything that happened, and offer to start anew, to let him know that their impossible future was no longer impossible but already here. “I was wrong back then John. I was just as you and your brothers said I was,” she crosses her arms, nails digging into her skin through the fabric, “Naive. So you were better off just killing me if you wanted that preservation so badly.”

“That was never an option for me!” His breathing had slowed, shoulders slumping down, “I’m willing and able to hurt and kill whomever I please without so much as a second thought. Lord knows how many times I did, uncaring of the consequences from my brother or from anyone really, but you….,” he scoffed, giving a slight shake of his head, “You know I thought of every single possible reason you could have given me to just kill you, keep myself prepared for the moment that you would screw up. The moment that my brother tired of your role much like he did the other Faiths, knowing it could very well fall upon me to do it.”

Her knuckles turn to white, trying to hide the shaking she can feel starting to crawl up her spine. The information he’s just provided should be of no surprise to her, she had once considered any potential reason she’d have to take his life, hearing the words come from his lips makes what she had always assumed real. The sharp reminder of the man she had to fight through to get to the one before her now, “So what changed?”

“You screwed up,” he glanced at the fallen seat behind him, Cat’s movements on autopilot bringing it close enough for John to do the rest. “You screwed up in a way that was going to drag me down with you. I couldn’t have that, I couldn’t risk everything that I helped build….so I left you in that bunker, going over how I could kill you in a way that just made it look like you couldn’t handle the process, but I couldn’t come up with anything.” She rolled her eyes, biting her lower lip, John’s eyes cast down, “I couldn’t think of anything because it didn’t feel right. I thought it was because I just didn’t have all the answers, making that black and white thinking you had mentioned harder to determine if you were with me or against me. After that session I had the answers I needed to put some things together, enough to figure out that you were against the situation and my role within it-.”

“But I wasn’t against you,” she finished in a whisper, “Not against the man you were taking the first steps to becoming.”

“Exactly, but I found myself debating my loyalties. Something I hadn’t really done, not to the extent of abandoning it all, an option that came to me briefly. I know I still chose my family over you,” he sighed, his hands clasped together, “but I knew I had to save you like you would do for me. It was the most right thing I had ever done, the one thing I did with no ulterior motive in a long time, Catlina.” She met his eyes, the vibrating of her body quieting, “I still wasn’t a perfect man, I never will be, but I wanted, want, to be a better man and that started with giving you up for a second time.”

“You never even asked me, John. You should have talked to me about it.”

“Like I said I wasn’t perfect, I did terrible things but it was to do good, to bring some of your vision of safety and happiness back where it belonged.”

Cat brought herself back to the chair, sitting with her ankles crossed and hands in her lap, “And did you?”

John took a deep breath, “I don’t think so, not me, but Chance did.” His lips quirked into a quick smile, glancing back at the door, “He brought it back for them all.” 

Cat glanced around the room, heart pounding, stomach shaking with the scraping of the chair as she moved it closer to John. He leaned away, back stiffening as she settled herself at the table. “You want to know something, John,” his eyes looked between her face and hands that were slowly starting to reach out for him, “he wouldn’t have been there to begin with if not for you.” Her fingers slid under his, lightly grasping them, her thumb running over the small tattoos, the never ending ache in her chest receding the longer she held him. “You sending me away, as angry as I am about it still, did something good and you should hold onto that, John.” 

His hands clasped around hers, taking a deep breath, voice soft, “I hurt you, I know that, and I won’t deny that there is a part of me hoping that maybe we can reconcile, start over just you and me….,” Have the life we talked about with Liz, “but if that never happens and this is the last time we ever see each other then I need you to know something. Catlina, loving you saved me.” Her eyes widened, unfocused on his hand reaching to push a stray lock from her face, she flinched her hands returning to her lap, Don’t say that. Never say something like that, “In more ways than you can imagine, my Catlina. I wouldn’t be here if not for you.”

That call, that siren call of his, the one that will drown her once more, keep her locked away. She pulled her hands away, shaking her head, “I did nothing of the sort, John.” We can never have a relationship, never again, “You’re right that we’ll never reconcile,” No matter how much I want too….God how I want to have you again, “This has to be the last time we see each other John. I-I can’t do this,” Not without losing her. “I’m-I’m sorry, John. I’ll always love you, I just-. We can’t-,” she stood quickly making her way to the door, “I’m sorry.” 

She rested with her back against the door, wiping away at the tears falling, trying to control her breathing to suppress the sobs. The guard at the door gently reaches a hand out to her shoulder, “Are you okay ma’am?” She mumbles her uncertainty, the man’s face turning more sympathetic, “Let’s get you some air and then to a different witness room.” Cat nods, watching as he grabs another officer to watch the door before leading her to a small patio, “He start to get into your head too?”

The wind brings back the ache in her chest, drying the last of her tears, the openness does nothing to stop the feeling of being locked away like she had hoped it would. Theo was right, they were all right: She’d never be free of John. She’d never be free, she’d have to always be running. The guard looks down at her, still waiting for a response, “Something like that.”