Okay, I'm admitting to my wife, myself, and the world, that I talk a lot. Strange considering how poor of a job I do at getting a point across? Want me to teach you how to nest functions inside of functions in Excel? I'm your guy. Want me to get across a simple deep feeling without making all complex and awkward, use 10 words to get across a point instead of 500 words that drone on and on, or be fun and spontaneous without turning everything into a statistical nightmare? I'm rarely that guy.
So on the idea that something in me NEEDS to be that way, I'm going to be that way here. And try and spare my ever enduring wife the constant flood of thoughts and verbal diarrhea that plagues trying to have a conversation or do anything with me.
So what's the topic of the day? Changing. I'm a little sad today because I feel stuck. Have you ever felt like you wanted to let out something inside you but you don't do it the right way? Have you ever felt boring? You want to be different, but you try something new and you wind up doing it in the same way. You try to change how you do things but you overthink it and it's just the same. I've had some days, more often than I have in the past, where I truly feel different, free, and I seem to handle things differently. But I still have days where I fumble, or times when what I'm trying to accomplish is done with the jittering off kilter focus and detail to the structure of things that a professor would have, and not the in the moment skills of a dancer just going by feel alone.
Maybe that all sounds like a small issue, but it truly affects my life. And in no other place more than in my relationship with my wife. She truly is my best friend, and everything that I want in the world. I miss her when I'm at work, I live for making her smile, making her happy. I want her to feel like the most beloved, accepted, and beautiful woman, because to me she is.
Let me tell you something about my wife. She hates roses and generic romance, because that's not about the true feeling and connection, that's not about the love and excitement that comes from that. Romance is a look in the eyes, something you feel. I feel it, but they way I express things, especially after having not been successful before, gets caught up in trying to so hard that I focus on the details, the symbolism. What I feel, comes off as thin and disjointed, instead of the deep flowing feeling I have.
So, how do you change, not just in what you're trying to do, but in how you do it? Learn new skills, stop thinking about it? I'm not set on staying the same, I'm not afraid of being someone different, I welcome it. I'm just tired of old restraints.
Maybe I talk so much and think so much it's hard to see the answer. So, like I said, I'll get it all out here. The funny thing is most likely everyone will have skipped past all these extra words, and the only person who is reading this sentence is my wife.
