I Want to Earn It (Part 2)
Fandom: One Piece Pairing: Sanji x Fem!Reader Rating: SFW Word Count: 2030 words Warnings: hurt/comfort, Reader deals with self esteem/worth, and talks down to herself a LOT in here. I am in no way romanticizing this as it is a display of behavior I myself have experienced. (Probably shouldn't need to say this but oh well) Part 1
Summary~ You can't stop mulling over your last chat with Sanji, finally getting a chance to talk it over one starry night.
Crossposted on AO3!
There were multiple times in your life you felt like running away.
Multiple times in your life you wished you could fly just so you could alone somewhere, alone in a place that lacked that suffocation of a dimly lit room, alone in a place that wasn't made for a crowd, alone in a place where you could breathe. The thoughts in your mind progressively swimming into deeper and thicker muck until you were sure you would drown in your own prison.
You don't like to talk about it, oh how you wish you could, but that was just too much wasn't it? You couldn't ask for someone to just lend an ear to your troubles. Not to the people here. Your troubles were laughable in comparison.
You're weak, isn't that so? Too sensitive… perhaps he was right about such a statement. You don't like thinking of that old man and his patronizing gaze. It makes your head hurt, so you redirect your attention elsewhere. Up high in the sky, the specks of lights twinkle above.
The stars understand you.
They don't look at you with pity, or disappointment, or annoyance, or worry, they don't…. Look at you with anything at all, actually. Completely silent like the rest of the night. Can stars even see?
If they could, what have they witnessed?
"Some of the brightest stars in the sky that you can see, are already dead," whispered the memory of Robin near your ear, "dead before any of us were even born really." She finished off her usual morbid one-liners.
A bright remanent of what once was. You think it's beautiful still. It's a remanent that would last for generations, though you weren't sure if the thought helped to soothe you in any way.
Your gaze drifts downwards, to the soft waves below, the scent of salt stronger from below as you catch the faint glimpse of your reflection in the near-still waters that cradle the Sunny.
"Everyone here loves you just as much as you love them. You're not a burden."
The words repeat in your head like a mantra, the only clear thought that would fill the emptiness in your head when it eventually tired itself out.
You haven't spoken directly for a few days now, the rational side of you knew he was just giving you space, but the other side was steeped in a vat of boiling stress and anxiety. It was numbing. A dull ache that didn't go away, and you knew of why.
You had snapped at him. That evening while watching the sea. You had let your emotions get the better of you again and lashed out at the one guy with the ability to let your guard down. You want to apologize— you SHOULD apologize, but your feet feel like they're stuck in glue. Stiff and unmoving, you were once again falling back to the same old habits you had sworn before to grow past. You couldn't keep doing this.
You can't avoid Sanji forever.
You don't want to.
Not when your heart has already latched onto him so. You let out a deep sigh, stepping back from the railing and flopping onto the grass, fully embracing the sky above, stars winking back at you.
"Can I tell you a secret?" you whisper.
You would've felt silly if you weren't on the brink of a breakdown.
"I really like him. I like him a lot, but I think it would be best if I didn't…"
You couldn't stop yourself now that you've started.
"I'm more trouble than it's worth, too many issues. He deserves someone better than that."
Your throat feels dry, but you continue, the words coming out shaky the tear ducts of your eyes filling at the brim.
"Even still… I want him to look at me like that more… like I mean something. I don't want to be just another girl… but that's silly, isn't it? I'm being selfish again. Asking for more than I should…" the stars above seem to blur against the dark backdrop, like drops of milk in a puddle of ink.
"I only started noticing because he treats me so nicely… like he does to every girl after all…"
You start to feel an ache around your eyes, a sudden sniffle surprising you out of your confession. Quickly, you sit up, wiping away the gross fluids from your face with the sleeve of your shirt. Your fists ball up in the process, and your figure shifts into a curled up ball to quiet your sobs.
Pitiful honestly.
You curl in tighter.
A soft foreign crunch in the grass startles you out of your misery, and you sit up straight, looking around frantically, eyes landing on a handkerchief in front of you.
"Here." says the owner, quieter than a mouse, like any louder would scare you off.
You stammer out a quick word of gratitude, hesitatingly taking the soft fabric, and gently dabbing the farthest corner against your sore eyes before handing it back. You wipe the rest on your sleeve.
"Thank you…" you murmur, nervous about your voice sounding more scratchy than you'd like.
"Can I make you something to drink? Maybe a warm cup of tea?"
You stiffen up, gaze drifting to the one you hadn't wished to see you in this state regarding you gently. You nearly yelp in surprise.
"Wha- What are yOU-" you burst into a fit of coughs before you could finish your sentence, and Sanji immediately crouches down next to you, hesitatingly rubbing your back in and up and down motion as you ride it out.
"Couldn't sleep…" he replies after you've finished, like you were the one to have found him in a messed up state and not the other way around, "came out for a quick smoke, it… helps relax me."
You side eye him curiously, he doesn't seem bothered at all by your… situation. In fact, he seemed eager to get another word in with you.
"That cough sounded painful, I'll make you something to drink, is that ok? What would you like?"
Your mouth opens and closes like a fish, and you settle on a simple nod, making him chuckle slightly.
"Alright." he stands up, holding out a hand for you to grab, "Let's head to the galley then."
--------------------
You seat yourself at the bar, fidgeting nervously while Sanji works, smoke wafting from the cigarette poised between his lips, upturned on one end as they usually did when he was focused on something. Neither of you had spoken much at all since entering the galley, with you being too anxious to breach that bubble. He had been so kind… he always is. But he was once again being too nice to you, without expecting anything at all in particular.
"Order up," he says lightly, sliding a warm cup of tea towards you.
"Thank you, Sanji." you say sincerely, your leg bouncing anxiously.
"Of course," he replies with a reassuring grin, one you don't deserve.
Your leg bounces more intensely as he leans back against the counter behind him, holding his own cup of tea. He doesn't push, he never does if you don't want to. You bite your lip again, the tea burning your heavy tongue.
"I'm sorry." you say suddenly.
Sanji's eyebrow quirks up in surprise, "Sorry… for what?"
"I'm sorry about what I said… What I said that day. I was being rude to you, and you were only trying to help. I'm sorry, Sanji, you're a very kind person, and I didn't return that kindness back towards you."
"Whoa, hey hey hey-" he says setting down his cup of tea, moving quickly to the bar and resting both hands on the edge, "You don't have to-"
"I do." you interrupt him, "I was being rude, I'm sorry, Sanji, and… thank you. For.. for the tea."
Sanji pauses, lips parting without a word, so you fill in the space, "I don't want to avoid you anymore, I want to make up. We're crewmates after all."
You take another sip of the tea before you continue, "And you're a good friend of mine too… so…"
Sanji smiles softly, "I forgive you."
"You're not just saying that right?" you surprise yourself with your own words.
"'course not…" he chuckles, "I forgave you days ago."
"You're…. something. Mr. Black-Leg." you let out a breathy, humorless laugh.
"Is it something good?"
"… yeah. It's something good." you hold out your hand to him, "so… friends again…?"
He takes your hand and presses a teasing kiss to the knuckles, "Never even considered we stopped in the first place."
Your cheeks felt warm as you pull your hand back with a soft huff, "You never change… always the lady's man you are, huh?"
"Perhaps… but hopefully I can be something more to you soon enough."
"You shouldn't tease so much… People will get the wrong idea y'know." you finish your tea, the sentence having ended a tad more somber than you'd like.
Sanji immediately stiffens up.
"I would never give you the wrong idea…" he says softly.
You look up from your empty teacup.
"I…" Sanji starts, reaching towards you, before grabbing your teacup and bringing it to the sink.
He coughs awkwardly into his hand, quickly washing the two cups, scrubbing aggressively.
"You don't have to lie to make me feel better, Sanji. I appreciate it, but really, I'll be ok—"
The water instantly shuts off with purpose as Sanji places the cups in the dish rack to dry, wiping his hands against the hand towel before rushing towards you with a stern look in his eye.
"Enough of that." he says, "You're always saying things like that. Always…." he sighs, hand waving in the air as he finds the words stuck in the back of his throat, "You mean so much to us ok? You mean a lot to me, you just can't see…"
You lean back slightly, startled by this sudden outburst, "You don't have to—"
"I DO. I do have to." he huffs, resting his hands on your shoulders with a firm grip, one that was grounding, "I love your laugh, I love the way you brighten up when I make your favorite foods, I love the way you tear up over sad stories, how excited you get over things you love-" he pauses for a moment, "but you make yourself smaller. You always excuse yourself, you slink into the background, you hide away you…. less. You make yourself less."
You tense up slightly shifting uncomfortably, causing Sanji to back away, "Sorry—" he quickly apologizes, "I didn't mean to get in your face sweetheart, I just didn't know how else to tell you… it matters to me you know? To all of us. We all want to know you."
"No you don't." you reply quickly, instinctively.
"I do." he replies firmly, "Ma cherie, you don't understand, how much…" he pauses, licking over his lips nervously, "Shit… this is… a really bad time to admit it…"
"Then don't."
He gives you an awkward smile, "You really are… the sweetest girl I've known…" he mumbles, running a hand through his hair, "Then… can I hug you instead?"
You think for a moment before nodding, letting him in.
He steps forward, entering your space, his arms wrapping around your midsection, securely, not too tight, maybe even a little loose, easy to pull away if you got claustrophobic. You return it, you hug him hesitantly, and then tighter, nose burying into the collar of his shirt like it was the last time you would ever see him.
"I'm a mess…" you admit plainly.
"I know." he replies.
"Doesn't it bother you? I've got problems…"
"A lot of us do."
"Why are you so nice to me?"
"I care about you."
He hugs back tighter this time.
"This might not change much…" you say, even quieter now.
"That's fine." he says, "you can take as much time as you need."
"What if it takes years?"
"We have years."
"You really are too nice…" you laugh sardonically.
"No… you've just met people who care."
And maybe you'll start to believe him.
A/n: Finally back with the part 2 AYE!!! Not for.. good reasons admittedly. The first part was written when I was in a bad place mentally, and the same can be said here. This work is extremely indulgent in terms as a vent piece rather than a comfort piece. (TRUST ME. I LOVEEEE comfort but unfortunately it couldn't fit in here + I don't have many ideas of how to fit it unlike my fav comfort writers :( oh well.)









