Synopsis: Continuing on a few months after the move to Maine, and starting with fresh eyes, Sarah and Chris are certainly making the most of their newfound freedom.
Warnings: Language, sexual language in places.
Tags: Just following on from Part Two - thank you for the support :) @ppal3 @bookwormchick91 @redhairedfeistynerd @memoriesat30 @patzammit @before-we-get-started
CHAPTER ONE
“It was really beautiful, Audrey.” Sarah smiled fondly at her friend. “You should be very proud of yourselves.”
Audrey could feel the relief wash over her as she wrapped an arm tightly around Michael’s waist, leaning her head ever so slightly onto his hefty shoulder as far as she could reach.
“It’s just nice to see everyone again for a happier occasion.”
Sarah held Ben in her arms as he toyed with the teardrop pendant of her necklace, pulling on it occasionally when trying and put it in his mouth. His cute 3-piece suit had long since been discarded in favour of cute, sailor print pjs thanks to his earlier decision of splattering tomato soup everywhere. Michael and Chris had found the whole incident hilarious of course because, well, men, but Sarah felt awful when she spied Audrey looking like she was close to tears. Planning the whole event had seen such a source of anxiety for her over recent weeks that she couldn’t allow herself to enjoy even so much as a piece of cake during the afternoon.
It had taken Audrey and Michael a long, long effort to get to this point. Celebrating Ben’s baptism in one long, love-filled and fun weekend was supposed to be a time of great happiness and enjoyment but alas.
The stress was thanks in no small part to a family falling-out some weeks earlier. Michael’s mother, Margaret, was not the easiest person to get along with, Sarah knew as much from the brief instances they happened to be in the same room together, but when you put her frankness in front of Audrey’s decisiveness, well, it’s not so much sparks that fly as full-on hand grenades.
No amount of calm energy that Sarah attempted to bring to proceedings did much to assuage Audrey from ultimately deciding to disinvite her mother-in-law altogether and Sarah didn’t doubt the heartache from such a choice. If they had to guess, Michael was almost relieved as well. It was a fair point, Sarah thought; no one should tell you how to raise your own child.
As a result, Ben’s baptism was a much smaller and more intimate affair than Audrey had originally intended it be. Not that that was a bad thing. Sarah knew the fight had been upsetting but those in attendance were making the best of efforts all things considered. Chris was certainly getting into festivities when the whisky and cigars made an appearance curtesy of Michael’s younger brother, Jack. But the glaring omission of Michael’s feisty mother was more than obvious.
“If it’s any consolation, my mom once changed my nephew’s school outfit without telling my sister.” Chris offered. Bless him, Sarah thought. He was trying. “All hell broke loose.”
Chris positively bristled at the memory. Sarah and Audrey exchanged knowing glances.
Oh, to be a man.
*
If there was one tiny, insignificant thing Sarah could have changed about the proceedings from the day, it would be the amount of food she ended up consuming. And enjoying. Like, really enjoying. There was also wine, and lots of it, and a honeyed whisky aura that Chris had been emanating for the last hour or so as they made their way back to the hotel. His sweet breath in her face as they rode the lift to the top floor should not have been as appealing as it turned out to be.
Audrey certainly knew how to throw a party for her friends. Judging by the way Chris collapsed on to the end of the bed when they finally arrived back at the hotel, he appeared to agree.
“I don’t think I’m gonna make that swim in the morning.” Sarah called out from the bathroom.
She leaned one hand on the counter and attempted to remove the straps from her heels so she could relieve her feet from the stress of the day.
“Well, you know how I feel about swimming.” Called Chris from his position on the bed, just slightly out of Sarah’s view. “Why would you want to get up at such a ridiculous hour anyway when you could just stay in bed with me and eat waffles?”
It was a valid question, all things considered, and one she proceeded to give serious thought to as the second shoe landed on the tiled floor with a clunk. If she never had to wear heels again, she thought, it’d be too soon.
“Besides,” His voice got a little louder as he approached her. “You have an amazing body; you don’t need swimming. In fact, you don’t need anything. You just need me. I’ll keep you fit.”
He winked at her and she smiled gratefully as he leaned towards her and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
“Be that as it may, I need to figure something out eventually. I can’t just lounge around the house all day waiting for you to come home.” She retorted, only half joking.
“You’re not lounging around. You’re decorating and making the place look beautiful. I mean, it’s already beautiful just by having you in it but all the other stuff is great, too.”
All the other stuff.
Sounds about right. Yes, that had been the grand sum of the past five months apparently: stuff. It wasn’t meant to be a dig of course, she knew that, but she also felt it sting her a little more than she would openly admit to in the current setting.
Chris had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t need to rush to find a new job, or new studies, or a new…anything. She could take her time. Rest up and enjoy life on the picturesque coasts of Maine. She could stay in her pyjamas all day every day if she wanted to. He just enjoyed them both being in their new house together at the same time.
He enjoyed figuring out layouts for different rooms, and colour schemes, and then choosing random swatches of material without giving them a serious thought. He’d never particularly enjoyed that before but it was different when it was with someone you were making a home with. He could absolutely get on board with interior design in a heartbeat or even carpentry although the new tool station that magically appeared in their garage a few weeks back caused Sarah a small pang of concern.
But he was also aware of where her head was it. Very aware in fact of how she was feeling deep down. Stuff like this always made her feel uncomfortable. Relying on people as she called it, relying on anyone for anything was a massive hurdle she had yet to overcome and no amount of support from her partner would make any sort of difference to that creeping feeling of…uselessness. It was getting more pronounced as the weeks rolled by.
For as long as she could remember, it wasn’t that she always had a job exactly but more that she always had a plan. She always had something to work towards, an end goal, a win, a challenge. Simply put, she didn’t like not doing anything. Chris had jokingly called her an ‘over-achiever’ during dinner one night a few weeks after they had first moved in and while he meant it with a great deal of admiration, it unwittingly led to their biggest argument to date. The second-hand embarrassment about that night that Sarah continued to feel to this day was the worst. It wasn’t something either of them wanted to repeat.
She paused for a moment, considering how to respond while he was stood eying her up from her side.
“We’re pretty much done now, though, so it would be good for me to figure out my next steps. Audrey reckons they’d snap me up at Lincoln, if I wanted to look into it eventually.”
“Yeh but what’s the rush, though? When was the last time you took a really good break from things? I thought you enjoyed all of this moving in with me stuff.”
She tilted her head sympathetically and turned to face him.
“God, I really have, but I can’t keep expecting you to pay for everything.”
“You absolutely fucking can!” His eyes lit up with childlike excitement at the prospect. “Money’s money. You’re looking after us in different ways that are much more valuable.”
“No, Chris. I appreciate what you’re saying but I don’t like not contributing” She said it with a tone that displayed more annoyance than she intended it to. “Audrey knows someone at Lincoln College and they’re looking for teachers as it happens. Plus, I could do most of the teacher training aspect online so that would probably cut down on the travel in the early days.”
“This sounds an awful lot like you’ve figured this all out already. Without me.”
“Not really.” She quickly glossed over the last part. “It’s just been in the back of my mind lately. And I actually think I’d enjoy teaching for a little while. You know, pass on my wisdom or whatever.”
For a moment, she felt her attempt at humour fall flat on the floor besides them and she didn’t know how to rescue the situation.
“You have a lot of wisdom.” He murmured after a quiet moment, trying to get himself on board as much as he could.
She turned to look at him again, gratefully.
“Thank you.”
“They’ll be lucky to have you.”
She smiled again, casting her eyes down as she felt her cheeks heat up.
“Well, we don’t know who “they” are yet, so, you’re probably stuck with me a little while longer.”
His smile finally reached his eyes.
“Good. I’m glad about that.”
“What if you get sick of me, though?” She joshed with him.
“Doubtful.” He answered without missing a beat and not appreciating her joke even though he knew she wasn’t being fully serious. “It’s just that…we went from finding days and weekends here and there, just trying to find a little bit of time to be together, to this wonderful now where we get to do it all of the time and honestly, it’s fuckin’ awesome.”
He really was a giant kid.
“And I’m not just talking about the sex either.” He continued, causing Sarah to bubble out a giggle. “Although that definitely gets an honourary mention. But the other stuff, too, like cooking together and that time we argued about blinds. I genuinely did not know that mundane crap could be so much fun. I don’t wanna lose that, Sarah. I don’t want to be like those couples that end up being like ships passing in the night or whatever the frig that phrase is.”
He was seemingly in his feels now and she wished he didn’t have to be half a bottle of whisky in to tell her this stuff but, regardless, it was touching to know he felt that way.
“We’re not going to be like that. We might have periods where it feels like that,” she noticed the concerned furrow in his brow. “But I think we can be sensible about it and still make time for each other. It won’t feel as bad in the end.”
He pursed his lips as he watched her remove the last remnants of make-up from around her eyes.
“Y’know, we could always….” He drifted off quietly before finishing the sentence.
She glanced at his reflection in the mirror as she reached for another a make-up wipe, waiting for him to finish his thought.
“Could always what?” she asked after a few more seconds of silence that seemed to last longer than she anticipated.
He rolled his eyes to the top of his head, clearly thinking about approaching the subject that had been playing on his mind longer than he would admit to if asked outright.
“You see how happy Audrey and Michael are, right? Do you ever think about getting one of those?”
“One of…? A baby?”
“…Yeh.”
He seemed almost shocked when the word finally left his mouth. It just hung there between the two of them, waiting for one of them to catch it and run with it. While it wasn’t altogether unpleasant by any means, it was certainly not how she expected this conversation or weekend to end.
“Um, I mean, yeh, I guess. One day. Yeh, that would be lovely. It just wasn’t on my immediate radar is all.” She said calmly before registering that this was Chris who had brought it up and if there was one thing she knew about men, pretty much the only thing she knew about men, it was to pay close attention to them when they started talking about babies. “Wait, is it on yours?”
“God, yeh! I love kids, always have, but there’s just something about you and having kids with you that just really gets me going, y‘know?”
Was he trying to have a serious conversation with her about their future, or was he coming onto her? She supposed the two weren’t mutually exclusive where procreation was concerned.
“Right. Well, that’s…OK.” She briefly floundered with her make-up wipe and could feel her heart beating faster in her chest. It was like nerves before an exam only louder and she could feel it start to affect her breathing as well. It was a little uncomfortable if she was being completely honest. “Cool.”
“But only when you’re ready.” He proposed, a little too quickly. “I just want to make that clear. I’m not saying that just because we’re relaxing now and spending all of this time together that we should start trying or thinking about trying straight away. Not at all. There is absolutely no pressure.”
Oh, right. OK. That helps.
“And babies take, like, nine months to grow and stuff and there’s never a guarantee that you get pregnant as soon as you start trying so really, we could be talking years into the future. Like, two or three years or something.” His words seemed to tumble out of his mouth but sounded confident nonetheless.
“Yeh, that’s one hundred per cent.” It was the best she could offer him.
“I just mean that we’ll do this in good time. Our time. We’ve got lots of time.” He added, as though he could read her mind. “They always say that making a baby is the fun part anyway, right? And let’s face it, we’ll be really good at the fun part.”
An awkward, nervous huff of a laugh left her mouth involuntarily. Make-up wipe still clutched tightly in her hand and her beautiful, hopeful boyfriend standing in front of her, she was at a complete loss as to what to do now. Should she hug him? Maybe do a jig?
“Cool.” He said, nodding quickly, clearly recognising his turn to mask the silence.
He smiled at her, kissed the tip of her nose, and turned to go back into their bedroom.
“Wait-” he turned back equally as quickly. He scratched at his forehead, creases around his eyes displaying the panic that had suddenly set in. “You’re OK, right?”
“Yeh, course.”
“I don’t wanna freak you out. I’ve freaked you out, haven’t I?”
“No, not at all.” She protested. “I just wasn’t expecting to have this talk in the bathroom of a hotel is all. But there’s nothing wrong with that. We both like kids so we’re on the same page there which is the main thing.”
“Yeh, but I also didn’t want you thinking that I had a calendar in my pocket or something, or was asking Audrey questions about changing diapers and shit.” He worried again. “’Cos, again, that is such a way into the future for us, I’m not even thinking that far ahead or anything.”
He waved his arm wildly in front of her as if to prove a point of time. It was kind of cute, how he always tried to put her mind at ease, always making sure she was comfortable and happy and enjoying life and not, say, inadvertently causing her to have heart palpitations.
“Yeh, no, I know. I get what you’re saying.”
He nodded again but his wariness had already set in and now he was feeling like a tool.
“Chris, you need to calm down, alright?” She started again. “It’s fine. Like you said, it’ll all probably happen in good time.”
She took a step towards him and placed her hands gently on his face. She felt him relax under her touch and returned a soft kiss to his lips.
“OK?”
He closed his eyes, nodding a little, and ran his hands up her arms as she held onto his face.
“Oh God…” He sighed with disappointment.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just…I really wanna have sex with you now but I don’t want you to think it’s a ruse or something.”
She giggled at his utter ridiculousness. He laughed, too, and the atmosphere in the room felt somewhat soothed.
Synopsis: Continuing on a few months after the move to Maine, and starting with fresh eyes, Sarah and Chris are certainly making the most of their newfound freedom.
Tags: Just following on from Part Two - thank you for the support :) @ppal3 @bookwormchick91 @redhairedfeistynerd @memoriesat30 @patzammit @before-we-get-started
CHAPTER TWO
Lately, Chris had developed something of a bad habit for hanging about in doorways.
Actually, let’s rephrase that: Chris had developed a bad habit for hanging about in doorways and staring. More specifically, staring at Sarah and more so than usual since he was already pretty well-versed in that custom. She had caught him and told him off on multiple occasions. He wasn’t sorry in the slightest
There was nothing he liked more than catching Sarah unawares while she was deep in her own little world and completely oblivious to her surroundings. Not while she was sleeping, mind, because he knew that freaked her out and truthfully, she didn’t believe him when he told her that she looked beautiful when she was asleep and not, as she eloquently put it, a dribbling mess. But rather he liked watching her when she was engrossed in reading a book, or super focussed watching the news on television, or finishing some menial house chore. Or simply just existing nearby. It really didn’t take much to bring out this side of him it would seem. He just loved being in the same vicinity as her.
Another thing that apparently worked for him, although admittedly this was more of a recent discovery of his, was when she wore her old pair of dungarees. These were dungarees he had managed to go several years without witnessing her in, it turned out. How had he managed to never be around when she had worn them before? In all the years he had known her? He’d seen her in sweatpants, a whole manner of hoodies, scrubs, smart, casual…but never these. Clearly, God had been punishing him for something along the way; what, he wasn’t sure, but he had decided he would be definitely making up for lost time.
He couldn’t quite put into words what the sight of her in her slightly distressed-looking black dungarees did to him exactly but stood where he was now, in the doorway of what was going to become an office or a library of some sort, watching her as she stretched up onto her tip-toes to reach the corner of the window with her paint-roller in hand, he was feeling practically feral.
She was humming a tune unrecognisable to him but he wasn’t paying particular attention to that part. It was more about the way the dungarees subtly pulled up around her waist to show off the perfect curve of her thighs and ass whenever she stretched just a little bit too hard.
Maybe it was a combination of all of the above; the stretching, the painting, and the humming along to something in her brain. It was probably all of the above. He couldn’t deny it; it was all undeniably working for him.
“Are you going to keep staring or are you going to come and help me with this?” She asked, rousing him from his new favourite hobby. He thought he had been subtle but evidently not.
“Is that a trick question? ‘Cos if you’ve giving me the option, I’m gonna keep staring, thanks.”
“Ha ha. C’mere, I need your long legs to reach this awkward bit.” She moved back from the window bay and held the small roller out towards him, not quite meeting his eyeline.
“I love it when you boss me around.” He playfully nudged her with his elbow but she didn’t bite. He pretended to pout at her, childishly, and again, she didn’t notice.
He rolled his eyes to himself and grudgingly took the roller from her hands. He asked her which spot she meant before trying to play the hero in vain hope she might start staring at his ass instead. It didn’t happen unfortunately and he sort of knew it wouldn’t.
She had been mithering about this final spare bedroom for days now and set about roughly figuring out a layout on her iPad the evening before, telling him the sooner they got it done, the sooner they could both get some valuable use out of the space. If Chris was going to get his way this afternoon, he would have to work much harder than this.
“You know, we don’t need to do this right now, yeh?” He suggested. “It’s not like we’ve got any visitors coming this week and even if we had, no one is gonna think any less of us just because one bedroom isn’t properly decorated.”
“It’s a mess, Chris. We’ve just dumped everything in here that doesn’t go anywhere else.” She scratched at the side of her head, unknowingly leaving a thin streak of white paint behind. He decided he wasn’t going to tell her about that just now.
“You know what I think about this space?” He paused his painting and backed up from the window to stand beside Sarah. He pretended to give it some serious thought but there wasn’t much else going on in his brain at this precise moment, dungerees be damned.
“We are not having some weird sex room…”
“I didn’t say anything about a sex room! Also, let’s not be hasty and rule anything out just yet, OK? I mean, we have plenty of space. One bedroom could easily be kept under secure lock and key and that people whisper about when they come to visit us.”
He winked at her but pulled back the brashness a little when he saw her expression grow increasingly unimpressed.
“Why are you stressing about this room anyway?” He sighed in defeat. “You’ve been thinking about it constantly these last few days and it’s really no big deal, honey. We have lots of time and I can think of a hundred better ways of spending it today.”
“I’m not stressing about it.” She protested and, yet again, completely glossed over his mild flirting. “And it’s not stress exactly. It’s just annoying me is all. When it’s done, it’s done and we can forget all about it. I promise.”
He placed the roller down in the paint tray placed precariously on the end of a chair she had carried up the stairs from the dining room.
“Then tell me why this is annoying you so much?” He placed his hands on her shoulders, more serious this time in the hope she might feel like letting him in to whatever was going on inside her brain today. She had been far too quiet and short with him and it was starting to unnerve him a little bit.
He could tell she was trying to find the right words but likely, she didn’t particularly want to have this conversation with him right at this moment. She herself wasn’t actually sure why she was getting worked up over a random space that, he was right, they didn’t need to worry about right this second. She had hoped he might drop the conversation if she could gear him up into helping her finish the first layer of painting, though. It was approaching 5pm and if they finished it soon, they could figure out dinner and then he would likely forget all mentions of stress if a big bowl of pasta was placed in front of him.
“It’s all good.” She shrugged as casually as she could manage and made a move to take the roller back from his grasp. “I just want to get it done so it’s done.”
She should probably have known that Chris would do what he did next.
Just as her fingers were about to reconnect with the handle, and quicker than she could react to, Chris grabbed the end of the roller and twisted it in his hand. Before Sarah had even registered what had happened, she saw it held up high behind his head, just out of her reach. A couple of drops of paint had splattered the wall behind him.
“Ah!” Chris exclaimed, yanking the brush even further away from her hands as she made a lame attempt to reach for it. “If you want it back, you know what you have to do.”
He spoke defiantly, confidently, so sure was he that a playful wind-up was in order. It might make her react more towards him than whatever this current behaviour was, he thought. Maybe she could take it out on him instead. The prospect of that thought alone was mouth-watering.
“What the f…?! Chris!” She cried out, trying hard to mask the giggle threatening to leave her mouth. “C’mon, just gimme the roller.”
“No.”
“You’re being a dick.”
“I know. You’ve always known I’ve been like this and you’ve found it cute up ‘til now.” He retorted, yet more swagger coming to the fore. He was getting on her nerves now, he could tell, but he was also distracting her and that was the aim of the game.
“I wouldn’t say ‘cute’ exactly.” She responded, her hands finding her hips.
“Well, I am extremely cute, you’ve said so yourself, and what’s more is that you love me for it.”
She rolled her eyes and gently pointed a finger against his chest in a more playful move. Two could play at this game, she thought.
He took a further step backwards, the roller still stretched out behind him in anticipation of her next move, his eyes as wide as she had ever seen them before.
“Stop trying to make me laugh, OK? I’m in a mood.” She conceded.
“I know you are and I’m sorry, honey. One kiss and then I promise I’ll be quiet and help you finish painting.” He dropped his arm down to his side and pretended to zip his lips closed. He felt relieved when she chuckled at him again. Honestly, he thought his joking around could have gone either way at this point. “How does that sound? You have to admit, that’s a fair swap.”
“I’m not sure I want you helping me now.” She said, playfully.
“That’s also fair but have I at least succeeded in making you less in a mood with this room?”
“And more in a mood with you? Yes, one hundred per cent.” She rolled her eyes at him again.
“Cool.” He seemed remarkably proud of himself all things considered. “Do you wanna, maybe, be in a mood with me in the shower instead?”
“I don’t need a shower.”
“Yeh, you might wanna go check the mirror about that.” He pointed the roller towards the side of her head.
Helping her through her confusion, he pulled out a loose piece of hair from her ponytail and watched as she tried her best to focus her eyes on where she could see the paint-stained ends.
“Oh shit, is it everywhere?!”
She grabbed for the scrunchie and let the rest of her ponytail out. Long hair fanned over her shoulders and face and quite honestly, this addition to her look wasn’t exactly helping to alleviate his feelings of horniness. It all seemed to be happening in slow motion in his mind. He watched as she grabbed at the rest of her hair, fanning several strands apart between her fingers as she tried to assess the damage.
“No, it’s not that bad.” He spoke lowly, inching a little towards her. “But you are probably going to need a second pair of hands. Just to make sure you get it all out.”
Any other time when she was feeling less anxious, she likely would have fallen for this flirtation quite willingly but she felt less than sexy in this specific moment. She felt tired and grumpy and probably hormonal. And she didn’t much fancy a shower either. She hadn’t even clocked the fault of her dungarees yet.
She kept separating bits of her hair between her fingers, growing more and more disappointed in her clumsiness. She didn’t notice Chris lifting up the paint roller again until it was almost too late.
“What are you doing?!” She yelled out as she spied him in her peripheral vision, posing the roller just by the side of his face.
“Stop me. You know what to do.” He asserts, his eyes wider than she had seen before. “I know what you’re doing. You’re turning a small thing into a big thing and it’s not gonna get you anywhere. Believe me, I know. So, we’re gonna work through this together ‘cos we’re grown-ups and I love you so you either let me help you wind down whatever this is or I’m rolling this all over my face and then I’ll have to shave the beard off.”
If Chris only knew how much she loved his beard, how she would do almost anything to make sure he never shaved ever again, he could make life a hell of a lot easier for himself when he was trying it on with her. She was genuinely surprised he hadn’t worked it out yet unless he had and he was saving that nugget of information for another time. It wouldn’t surprise her at this point in their relationship. He was full of surprises and she was only approximately half glad about that “skill”.
“I don’t know what getting me in the shower is going to accomplish.”
He smirked at her as though he was hiding a secret he wasn’t going to let her in on just yet.
“Well, let’s try it and see.”
*
“I still blame you for that.”
“How is that my fault? I was merely working out and you couldn’t help yourself.”
Chris massaged the back of her head, her soapy hair wrapped between his fingers. He’d been at this for about fifteen minutes now and while it wasn’t doing much to save the environment, Sarah was grateful for the pleasant and comforting distraction. He had always been unfairly good with his hands.
“Well…” She started, sighing again at the feeling. “How was I gonna reject you? You had the puppy eyes and everything.”
He pulled his fingers from her hair and the brief loss of pleasant contact was soon replaced by his warm arms wrapping around her waist. She leaned her head to one side as he placed a feather-like kiss to her shoulder.
“I have the puppy eyes now, Bernette, but you’re not taking the bait.”
“You got me in the shower, didn’t you?”
“That was only, like, the first part of my plan.”
She wasn’t sure if it was the effect of the steam inside their shower enclosure, or the sweet smell of coconut from her shampoo, or a combination of both but her skin suddenly felt ten degrees hotter. His soft kisses moved slowly up the side of her neck until she felt his lips linger behind her ear, a well-known place he knew never failed to turn her on.
He felt her breath hitch as his hands moved lower and lower across the soft skin of her tummy, until his fingers slowly met the red-hot skin between her thighs. She shuddered a little in his grasp as she felt his long fingers work her over, running them softly between her wet lips, his middle finger occasionally mounting the pressure just so so he could feel her tense a little more in his arms, hear her sigh a little more through the spray of hot water and steam, and relax her just right so she could forget whatever shit had been going on inside her brain today.
It never failed to work and he was proud of that fact. He was proud that he knew her better than anyone else, knew her body better than anyone else, and knew just what to do to calm her down and bring her back to him again.
Her back pushed firmly against his chest as he kept going, deliberate with each stroke of his fingers as he waited for the tell-tale sign that she was getting closer, when her hand reached out to grip his and hold it still.
She steadied her breathing and, briefly confused, he eased off his touch. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen next as, by his understanding, she felt pretty close to her end but he waited for her to calm some more and possibly move his hand again, taking control. Instead, his heart dropped a bit when he felt her try to turn in his arms. He reluctantly loosened his grip and allowed her to move so she was facing him again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly.
“Mmm…” she sighed contently.
He opened his eyes to find hers still closed as their lips slowly parted just millimeters from each other.
“Why did you stop me?” he whispered, the heat from his breath fanning over her face.
Her eyes opened and he watched them slowly focus on him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead so she didn’t think he was pushing for an answer, but he felt a bit weird. Weird? No, that seemed too far-fetched. But something was wrong.
“I’m good.” She replied, still apparently blissful.
“But you didn’t…”
“I know. It’s OK.”
She kissed him again and he let her but he would be lying to himself if he thought he was anything other than convinced by her sudden about-turn. It didn’t help that he could now feel the creeping but mild dissatisfaction in his chest.
“Do you wanna maybe try something else?” He asked, again trying to mask any sense of concern from his voice or his face.
She still had a slightly blissed-out look on her cheeks as evidenced by the blush covering her skin. It felt hot to the touch as he spread his fingers over her lower back, crossing his arms to avoid her moving away from him.
“No, I’m good. Honest.”
That’s a maybe, but he wasn’t.
“I just don’t think it’s gonna happen right now. Sorry.” She continued as patiently as she could, trying to sound like it wasn’t a big deal when she knew it likely would be for him.
When has he ever not made her cum? It’s like a given at this point, he knows her that well. He knows when something isn’t working and he knows when to change it up. It’s just how he is, so proud is he of knowing her in the most intimate of ways. But she desperately didn’t want him to worry about it or question her about it. It just wasn’t to be at this time. She was probably just a little too tightly wound from earlier in the day and that was on her, not him.
She moved her hands away from his shoulders and ran them over her wet hair to remove the last remnants of her shampoo. He watched her as she leaned her head back under the spray and smoothed her hair out to their ends, then make eye contact with him again, her sweet smile making a welcome appearance.
“Why don’t I start dinner, hmm?” She rubbed her hands over his shoulder again in a soothing motion, and was grateful for his returning smile.
“Sure.” He lied. “I’ll just finish up in here.”
“Oh, sorry, do you want me to…?”
“No, no, not that. I just mean, I need to get rid of the coconut smell.” He chuckled. “I love it on you but I have a manly reputation to maintain and sweet tropical smells might not cut it.”
She was thankful for the out as she stepped to his side and vacated the stall. A fluffy white towel lay on the wicker basket just in front of her and she quickly wrapped it around her body, securing it with a small fold at the top.
She could just about make him out in the shower as she made to leave the bathroom. The steam gave tempting glimpses of his sculpted form and not for the first time that day did she feel like an absolute idiot.
I’ve had a few requests via DM to create a final masterlist of sorts for Clear The Area.... so here it is! I’m not great on Tumblr with linking to things etc so I hope this all works OK. Shout if something isn’t right.
Warnings: 18+ NSFW, strong language throughout, angst, discussions of adoption and mental health. Each chapter is marked up accordingly as well but please do not read this if you’re not a fan of any of the things mentioned here.
This has also been posted on AO3. Please do not repost anywhere else without my permission. Reblogs and likes on Tumblr are always welcome!
Final update: 14.04.2021
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART ONE
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART TWO
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART ONE
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART TWO
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART THREE
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
As always, thank you all so much for stopping by and reading this. This was my first piece of writing - over 100k words! - and I am genuinely surprised that I completed it. At various times this past year, writing this was a nice comfort for me. A chance to focus on something else other than “real life”. I’m not in this for anything other than testing myself and my abilities, and trying to do something that is just for me. I greatly appreciate all of your support, comments, and likes. Thank you.
Part 2 of ‘Fractured’ will be called ‘Touch and Go’ and cound be found here
Story Summary Ten months after leaving Boston, Sarah’s starting over again in Nashua. A new apartment, a new hospital, and closer to her parents, she’s finally finding some peace following her ill-advised affair with her best friend’s brother. But Sarah should have known it would only be a matter of time before the past catches up with her.
Warnings Strong language and stressful situations
Word Count 5,250
Tagged @ppal3 @patzammit
Chapter Four
Why does everything take longer when you’re in a rush?
It was worse than bad luck that the traffic was moving at a snail’s pace when Chris and Sarah finally joined the I-95. There was no logical reason for the traffic being this heavy at this time of the night. Sarah googled for information on traffic accidents or roadblocks up ahead but nothing immediately came up that would explain the slowness. Must just be trying to cause Sarah even more stress than she was already under.
“You didn’t need to drive me back, you know.” Sarah protested for the tenth time since they left the hotel. Chris had counted. “I got myself here. I can get myself home again.”
“With what train, Sarah? It’s midnight, it’s cold, and I doubt there’s any flights either. Besides, this car can do 90 in no time if the traffic would just go to fuckin’ hell.” Chris called out as he finally moved into the outside lane, a little more space clearing up ahead of them. It provided a brief moment where she could forget worrying about Noah.
“What is it they say about men who brag about their cars?”
Chris chewed on the inside of his cheek. If that even was an accurate trend - and he didn’t believe it to be one – then Sarah should know more than most that he was bucking it. When he glanced at her to his side and saw her subtly wipe away a tear, he decided better of reminding her of that fact right now. She probably needed to vent a little, he thought, and he had only just managed to convince her he was going to drive her all the way back home to Maine without physically dragging her away from the hotel. She clearly needed something to take her mind off things. Hell, he wouldn’t even mind if she cried a bit more, as ill-equipped as he was to soothe a crying woman. There was a clean tissue lying around somewhere in the glove compartment, he remembered, and possibly a candy bar he’d forgotten about. That was about the extent of his skills.
“You know, Shanna looked into driving lessons.” He offered a change of subject following a few uncomfortable minutes of silence.
“Really?” Sarah asked, surprised and rightfully so.
“Yeh. She had four or five lessons, I think. Then the instructor fired her.”
Sarah turned to look at him face-on with a look of astonishment. He slowly nodded his head back at her knowing she would understand perfectly. Sarah laughed and Chris knew she was imagining all of the myriad ways that could have gone down. Truthfully, any one of them could have been feasible where Shanna was concerned.
Shanna had had six lessons as it goes but the instructor - with over thirty years of teaching experience and the recipient of a local award for services to the community – described her as “unteachable”. Lisa had attempted several times to convince him to take her back by offering to pay over the odds for his time. At one point, it looked like Chris was going to have to face-time his grandson as a sweetener (“It’s not a bribe!” Lisa would argue after both Scott and Chris had mocked her plan) but it didn’t get that far. It transpired that Shanna really was that bad.
“I never thought I’d see the day she learned to drive.” Sarah said.
“Yeh well now you definitely won’t.” He chuckled. “God, could you imagine her in charge of a vehicle?!”
“She doesn’t need to drive for her job, does she?”
“No, but she had this big thing about being independent after…” He trailed off and Sarah knew what he was getting at. He cleared his throat and trained his eye back on the road in front of them. “She just decided to fix a couple of things in her life, I guess. She joined Carly on that cookery course she was doing as well, and put up a shelf in the apartment.”
“I thought Carly had finished that course?”
“She did but she took it again back in March so she could come first in the class.” Chris rolled his eyes at the memory of trying to understand Carly’s reasoning for such a thing. “You know, listing all of my family’s weird quirks like this really isn’t helping me work through my issues.”
Sarah smiled broadly at him from his side; a smile he could practically feel on his cheek. “Oh, come on,” she said. “You love them more than life itself. You wouldn’t have it any other way.”
She turned to look out of the passenger side window and caught Chris’ fond glance at her in the reflection. She was right, of course, he wouldn’t have it any other way, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t also leave him completely dumbfounded sometimes. Most of the time, actually.
Sarah felt the car switch up a gear. It had gone pitch black outside in next to no time and she realised they were far out of the city. There was a single light lit up every few hundred yards or so along the highway. The only reasonable light she could see was coming from the central console inside Chris’ car, the make of which she had no clue about. It was different to the one he’d had before.
He’d switched off the iPad screen in the middle of the dashboard and dimmed the other lights in case she wanted to take a short nap except she was now more awake than ever before. She’d only end up thinking about Noah even if she did close her eyes and she felt like she wanted to talk about anything – literally, anything – else. It was probably a good idea that Chris was with her after all.
She didn’t enjoy cars the same way other people did but as she glanced from one switch to the next to the next, this seemed pretty swanky by anyone’s standards. The seats were comfortable as well. If she asked him about it, he’d probably happily fill an hour or so of the journey. Maybe she’d keep that idea in her back pocket for later.
“I always thought you would stay in New York, you know?” He said quietly when he realised she hadn’t managed to fall asleep. “It seemed like the next logical step. Why Nashua?”
Sarah pondered that question for a second. Why Nashua indeed. “There was an opening and it was ideal. It’s a really nice hospital and a really nice team. The area’s great, too. Lots of bars and restaurants and big open spaces. You’d like it.”
“Guess I’ll have to visit sometime.” He smiled. “You should try and get some rest, you know.”
“I know,” she sighed. “But I just keep thinking about him. What he must look like lying there. Mom’s probably beside herself, too. Plus, you’d be bored just staring at the road in front of you. Least I can do is try and keep you company.”
“We’re not that far away, it’ll be fine.” He said, clocking the milometer. “Wanna play ‘20 Questions’?”
She looked puzzled. “You hate that game.”
“No, not “hate”. That’s a strong word.”
“Last time I heard that idea floated around, you said, and I quote, you would rather stick pins in your eyes.”
“That’s ‘cos Scott gets his names confused. Y’know, he thinks he’s thinking of one guy and you tell him who it is only for him to tell you that you’re wrong. It’s annoying. I don’t think I’ve ever played that game and not had a massive argument about it afterwards.” He griped.
“We might argue?”
“We wouldn’t argue.” He said, confidently. “We’re too similar. We’d probably end up thinking of the same person.”
“I wouldn’t choose Tom Brady.”
“Oh ha ha.” He rolled his eyes. “I can think of other people besides Brady.”
“Can you?”
He paused and she saw him purse his lips for comedic effect. “Tom Brady’s Mom?”
Sarah laughed and leaned her head back on the head rest. She was relaxed a little more and the weird nervous feeling she had felt when she was trying to put him off driving her all the way back to Maine had long since passed. The car was a little warmer, too, and she noticed he had slyly upped the temperature of the seat warmers in a probable attempt to help lull her to sleep for a couple of hours.
It worked. The last thing she remembered was seeing the outline of his profile. His lashes were longer than she remembered and as her eyes grew a little heavier, she saw a familiar soft smile reach his eyes.
*
“What the hell?” Chris said to himself, surveying line after line of parked cars crammed in next to each other. A couple of vehicles had been parked on the sidewalk just across the road from the hospital, evidence of there being no other available spaces.
Sarah was jolted awake by his sudden exclamation. The temperature in the car was a little cooler which she was thankful for as she blinked her eyes open, rubbing them to remove any sleep from the corners. She yawned widely and immediately recognised the vast building they were now casing.
“You can just let me out here if you like?” She asked, stifling another yawn. She stretched her arms out in front of her to get some feeling back into her shoulders and upper back. She was feeling a little stiff from having slept in a car seat but was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t feel much worse. At some point while she was asleep, Chris had covered her lap with a soft, green hoodie he kept in the car.
“No, no, it’s fine, I’ll find somewhere.” He said, feigning encouragement so he didn’t have to ditch Sarah on the side of the road. “Are all of these cars for the ER, do you think? That’s crazy. Why do people have accidents this late? It’s so friggin’ inconsiderate.”
Sarah smiled at him but ultimately kept her mouth closed. As if by pure luck in that moment, he spotted someone pulling out of a space just ahead of where they were dawdling along. The good luck was well overdue. She thought she heard him whisper ‘boom’ underneath his breath. If she hadn’t been sat next to him in the car, he likely would have finger-gunned the situation.
Within minutes she had darted through the lower ground floor towards the elevators, barely stopping to thank the Receptionist for letting her know where her parents were. Chris was following closely behind her. The Receptionist did a double take thinking she recognised him but ultimately shrugged that thought off to tiredness.
Sarah couldn’t remember the last time she had been in this particular hospital but most buildings followed the same kind of layout, it was almost second nature to her now. As was the careful run across the shiny, buffed floors that she had perfected from having attended multiple emergency situations over the years. It proved a little more difficult for Chris, his sneakers catching every few feet or so. She really was an impressive individual, he thought to himself as he trailed her down the long corridors.
As the elevator went up to the 4th floor, she found out she had been wrong earlier on: this was in fact the slowest part of their journey.
“Ward 9, she said. Should be this way.” Chris did a full a 360 spin as he speed-read the direction boards in front of them.
His heart was nearly beating out of his chest but not because of the 400m sprint it felt like he had just undertaken. The pressure was visibly etched all over Sarah’s face, that feeling of being so close yet so far from her parents, and Chris could feel every single intake of her short breaths.
As they rounded the final corner, they saw the dim light emanating from under the door to Noah’s room. Just hours ago, it felt like it would take forever to get here. Sarah had all but stopped as they slowly approached and Chris tenderly placed his arm on the back of her shoulder, trying to encourage her forward these last few feet.
“It’s going to be OK.” He spoke in the lowest, most soothing tone he could manage while equally trying to conceal his increasing tiredness. “I’m right here.”
She gave him a look of gratitude but didn’t say anything. For the first time since they’d reconnected, she allowed him to see her tears and without thinking, he ran his thumb under her left eye to catch it before it made its way down her cheek.
Opening the door to the room, Sarah was greeted by the presence of her mother asleep in an armchair place at the foot of Noah’s bed. One of the window blinds was still open letting the beginnings of the sunrise hit the opposite wall. It looked almost surreal and it was a few moments before Sarah could focus on her Dad. When she did, when Chris did as well, it wasn’t exactly what they were expecting.
Noah didn’t appear to be connected to too many tubes, which surprised Chris. You hear the word “coma” and you sort of assume the worst. Instead, the catheter that was presumably keeping him sedated was connected to him via the back of his hand, and there was what looked like a narrow oxygen line entering through his nose. He seemed so peaceful and the machines were so quiet, only emitting a beep every half a minute or so, you could be forgiven for thinking he had simply fallen asleep. He still had a bit of colour to his cheeks as well. He didn’t look seriously ill. He wasn’t at all how Chris had expected him to be.
“Sarah.” Jocelyn breathed out, unfolding her legs from underneath her and throwing her coat over the back of her chair. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
She reached out for Sarah’s arm and the pair of them hugged tightly. Sarah was whispering comforting things to her, telling her it was going to be alright, and Chris considered backing out of the room to give them some much-needed privacy. He wasn’t supposed to be here at this moment, he realised. He’d done his part now and as hard as it would be to leave her, leave them all, he didn’t want to cause a new problem by being a third wheel.
“Oh my gosh, Chris, hello.” Jocelyn said, almost breathless in disbelief when she registered his presence stood awkwardly in the doorway. “How are you?”
“Um, yeh, I’m good, thanks.” He took moved a foot back into the room. “More to the point, how are you?”
The minor distraction in having Jocelyn’s attention focussed on Chris allowed Sarah to get closer to Noah. Chris rubbed his hand up and down Jocelyn’s arm in a move to comfort her. Lisa instilled in all of her children a rule of never turning up to a place as a guest without bringing a small offering or gift of some kind and now he was kicking himself for passing straight by the gas station as they left the Interstate. Not that he would have been able to find anything useful but a bottle of water would have been better than nothing. He couldn’t see that she had brought much with her and no doubt there would have been a rush to get him here in the first place.
“Holding up, I guess. Nothing else we can do at the moment unfortunately.” She said, reservedly. She turned around to see what Sarah was doing besides Noah’s bed.
Chris followed her line of sight and caught Sarah checking his med report held in the metal binder that clipped onto the side of the bed railing.
“His notes aren’t saying much.” Sarah wondered out loud as she scanned a couple of the pages. A page unfolded and Chris caught a look of…something flash across her eyes. “Do they know what’s up exactly?”
“No, not really, honey.”
“Well, did you ask them?” Sarah turned to face Jocelyn.
Chris was well aware of the issues Sarah had with her mother from time to time, but he deathly hoped she wasn’t going to start anything now, in here of all places.
“It’s only been a few hours. Maybe they’re still waiting for the test results?” Chris offered. Hopefully one of the words he just said would be useful to one of them.
Jocelyn smiled gratefully at him and Sarah looked at them stood side by side, abruptly aware that to most people this kind of thing was completely new territory. Chris’ hand tentatively brushed Jocelyn’s shoulder and Sarah recognised the wariness in his eyes. Yet again, he was right, she thought; it wasn’t the right thing to ask her at this time. There were more important things to focus on. Her mother looked like she was dead on her feet and her eyes were red raw from crying. She needed emotional support. She didn’t need the third degree.
“Yeh, that’s probably it.” Sarah agreed, nodding her head gently and clipping the binder back on the side of Noah’s bed. “Alright, so hopefully they’ll be able to figure some stuff out soon and we’ll know what’s what. We can go from there. When was the last time you ate anything, Mom?”
Chris’ eyes widened. He looked like he had just thought of the best idea. “I think we passed an all-night McDonald’s a few minutes back down the road so let me go see what they have. I’ll grab us some coffees as well.” He looked almost relieved.
“Oh no, Chris, not at all. There’s an all-night canteen upstairs, I’m sure we can find something there. I could do with the walk to tell you the truth.” Jocelyn replied as she glanced down around the floor to see where she’d dropped her handbag.
“No, definitely not.” Chris insisted. “You’re not telling me that you wouldn’t enjoy some chicken tenders and barbecue sauce right about now?”
Jocelyn giggled. An actual giggle. Sarah couldn’t remember the last time she heard that sound come out of her mother. Chris clearly had magical powers, she mused, and when he returned over half an hour later, carrying two brown paper bags that filled the room with the unmistakeable salty yet delightful smell only fast food could provide, she had never been surer. He was an angel.
Sarah and Chris retreated into a small, plain-looking family room across the corridor as Jocelyn took a phone call from a friend, Diana. That would likely take a while, Sarah thought. Diana had a rather unique skill of managing to turn every conversation, every minute issue, into something about her. It never failed to wind Sarah up and Chris made a mental note to ask her about it when he saw her fail to hide an eye roll as Jocelyn answered her phone. Jocelyn being the kind, reliable friend that she always was would inevitably spend more time making her feel better and Sarah would add it to her list of reasons to make zero effort with the woman at the next family gathering.
“So,” Chris finally asked as he wiped a spot of ketchup away from the corner of his mouth with a napkin. “What do you think’s going on with your Dad?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on. I know you didn’t buy my bullshit earlier about them waiting for test results. You don’t put someone into a coma without having a basic suspicion of what might be going on. Even I know that.”
Sarah rubbed a hand loosely at the back of her neck and contemplated how to answer the question. It was true that she had gone along with what he had said because sometimes not everyone views illnesses and injuries the same way that she does, and sometimes she forgets that. Not everyone will know the signs to look out for in the medical reports and often families will accept the soft answers given to them by the professionals. She was one such professional and she theorised that families could be placed into one of three camps. They could be persistent and demanding answers every single minute that passed by and if you couldn’t give it to them, they’d like to speak to someone who could. Sometimes, they would simply ask you to do the best job possible for their loved ones, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be standing beside you the entire time and looking over your shoulder at every single note you wrote down or every single tweak you made to a tube.
The third camp was the favourite. Jocelyn belonged in this camp for sure. Jocelyn was far too sweet and patient to bother quizzing the doctors for more information, and they would have no doubt been grateful for the time to simply get on and figure out what to do in relative peace.
“Something with his heart, most likely.” She posited. “His brain activity is pretty regular and the machine is keeping his breathing even.”
“Fuck, Sarah.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “Is it really that bad?”
“For something like this, to put a patient under, it’s usually one or the other.”
“Yeh, but…fuck.” He leaned back until his head connected to the wall behind his chair with a dull thud. He stared up at the florescent strip-lights lining the ceiling. Of all the things to ruin a supposedly relaxing mood, florescent lighting had to be up there with the worst of things invented.
“Yeh. Fuck.” Sarah said to herself before downing what was left of her hot coffee. She didn’t care much that it almost burned the back of her mouth.
It had just gone 6.30 in the morning and about twenty minutes prior to sitting down alongside Chris in an empty, cold room, Sarah had had her suspicions confirmed. A nurse had come to check Noah’s blood pressure and there was the tell-tale pursing of the lips and a soft sigh that only she would recognise as a fellow nurse. A sigh that said things did not look how they should or how they had hoped. A sigh that, to those in the know, failed to hide visible disappointment.
It wasn’t that they were unsure of what was going on with Noah, it was that they had decided to keep him as comfortable as possible because they knew things were only heading one way.
“How long do you think they’ll keep him under?”
Chris turned his head to face her. Maybe her stoicism in these situations was helping her get through it all now. She seemed calm. Was it calm? There was definitely something serene and rather still about her right now. A little too still. It was…odd. If he hadn’t been sat so close to her, he would have worried she’d stopped breathing. He wasn’t sure if he preferred this to crying.
“I’m not sure. They’ll need to make a decision soon.” She replied, monotone.
There was a painting of a beach and some waves on the opposite wall. It was one of those commonly reproduced prints that adorned nearly every hospital waiting room in the country; attractive enough in pastel shades that looked nice hanging up but dull enough so as not to draw critical attention when you were trying to figure out how long your loved one might have left on Earth. Up until now, Sarah had hated them with a passion and was glad that St Joseph’s was trying to reverse the trend of purchasing them in bulk, but in this very moment she considered trying to understand it for the first time.
The family room was quieter than she had ever experienced a room to be before. She could barely sense Chris sat in the chair next to her, his arm occasionally brushing hers as he reached for another couple of fries. She couldn’t remember the last time she heard her own heartbeat. It sounded extraordinarily loud to her. Maybe Chris could hear it, too.
She felt every pulse in her body and wondered how many she might have left. She wondered if she would make it to retirement or perhaps grow even older. Maybe she’d be one of the lucky few who celebrated their own centenary. Maybe she’d get hit by a car one day on the way to work and everything would be over in a flash.
Life was a fucking joke.
“Sarah? Are you OK?” Chris worried. Sarah turned to him like she had only just realised he was there. Chris really wished she was crying. He had never seen that look on her before, on anyone in fact, and he didn’t know what to say except to uneasily repeat his question.
“Are you alright?”
“Sorry.” She blinked. “Sorry. I was just…”
She paused.
“That painting is fucking awful.”
Chris wasn’t sure what he was expecting her to say but that would likely be at the very bottom of his list. He looked ahead of where they were sat and spied the offending piece with pale yellow sand and even paler blue water. There was what looked like an oak tree at the side which made no sense given the location. He knew exactly what she was talking about.
“Yeh,” He chuckled. “It’s certainly a choice.”
“They have them everywhere. In every hospital. I must have seen, like, a hundred versions of the same painting all through college and I’ve always thought it was dumb. Such a pointless waste of paper and paint. I mean, the artist probably has talent, right? Yet they choose to paint this.” Sarah held her hand out like she was instructing him on something. “What is the fucking point of this?”
Chris enjoyed art as much as the next guy but he was stumped. He’d never really considered it that deeply because he rarely acknowledged this kind of art in the first place. It wasn’t his cup of tea.
“I don’t know.” He answered, half shrugging. “I don’t think it’s meant to mean anything. It’s just there because if it wasn’t there, the room would look even emptier. And I guess that would be worse than if a painting was there, even a painting as banal as this one.”
“It’s such a waste, though.” She mused.
“Maybe they’ve done other stuff that’s better?”
“But they might not get known for it. People go through life being underestimated and people will assume they’re incapable of anything else. They could bring so much to the world but never get the chance. That’s kinda sad, don’t you think?”
“Yeh, but art is objective. You think of all the people who have been sat in this very room staring at the same painting hour after hour, it might be comforting to them. Some people might really like and appreciate it, and then he’s done his job. He’s put something of value out there.” He offered.
She continued looking ahead at the painting hanging in front of them. The more Chris stared at it, the more it lost its meaning. It’s plain-ness almost took you out of your head and out of whatever messes were currently going on inside and he pondered whether that was the point of it after all. You didn’t really have to think anything about it if you chose not to.
*
That growing feeling of futility stayed with Sarah long into the afternoon. Jocelyn refused to leave Noah’s bedside despite Sarah’s many protestations to the contrary. Chris had also decided he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon even though it had been over 24 hours since he last saw a bed or a shower of some kind. Sarah found him crashed out across a weak looking sofa and left him there for a couple of hours. The ward was quiet; it was unlikely that he would be disturbed.
In contrast, she felt oddly awake. Caffeine was a godsend at times like this. Even the shite she was now holding in her hands courtesy of the nearby vending machine was doing some good.
“You really need to go home, dude.” Sarah said, when she accidentally-on-purpose disturbed Chris by nudging his foot as she sat down on the end of the sofa he was lying across. He looked a little dopey from his nap, his hair a little mussed up, and Sarah had a brief, awkward flashback she tried to blink away.
He lazily stretched his arms up above his head before rubbing both of his eyes with the backs of his hands. “How long was I out for?”
“A couple of hours. I just didn’t want you to think you had to stay any longer if you wanted to head back home. People are probably wondering where you are.”
“Oh don’t worry, it’s not the first time I’ve gone incommunicado. I’ll send them a message later on or whatever.” He slowly twisted his body to sit upright and ended up brushing the side of Sarah’s leg.
“Um, do you think you could keep this quiet? Just in case anyone asks? I’m not 100% sure what we’re dealing with here just yet and I’d rather keep it on the downlow until we know. If that’s OK? I hate to ask you for yet another favour, and-”
“-Of course.” He placed his hand gently on her knee. “You don’t even need to worry about that. I was never going to say anything.”
She smiled softly at him and he returned the sentiment before smoothly tucking her hair behind her ear.
There was a lot she wanted to say to him but “thanks” wasn’t going to cut it somehow. If you’d told her 48 hours ago that, her father aside, she’d be sat here with him like this, she would have assumed you’d smoked something funny. Audrey would have a field day with it.
And that was the first time she had thought of her friend since she saw her the day before.
“Oh fucking hell.” Sarah closed her eyes and leaned forward, gripping both of her hands to the edge of her seat.
“What?” Chris said, panicked that he’d over-stepped a line.
“Audrey will be going mad wondering where I’ve been.”
“Do you maybe wanna call her now?”
“I should but I’m not sure I can face it just yet. She’s not exactly casual when it comes to things like this and she’ll have so many questions. Ugh.” She placed her head in her hands.
“Honestly, I think you’re worrying too much about her. Probably because you’re over tired as well. One mention of Noah and she’ll totally understand.” He reasoned.
She turned her head in her hands to face him.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m just really glad you’re here.”
“Well, remember that feeling because I’m going to offer to take you and Jocelyn home for a few hours then I’ve got dibs on mowing the lawn. Apparently, your Dad is super proud of their garden so it’s one small thing I can take off your mom’s list.” He smiled at her.
“I don’t think I deserve you, you know. You’ve done do much for me.”
He leaned forward until they were both matched in their positions.
Summary: I made it! My first story at an end. Thanks for stopping by and sticking by me over the last few months. I'm strangely quite proud of myself for sticking with this even when I had zero idea of how things were going to go. I have plans for a sequel of sorts and I hope you come back for that (when I get my ass in gear to write it!).
Tags: Thanks to @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13
Chapter Twenty
The hot shower was a welcome relief when she finally stepped inside. It had been a hell of a long day. Far longer than she could recall and she had battled plenty.
Sarah had been back at work for a week or so and trying her hardest to deflect questions. Audrey had, she realised, kind of figured most things out without having to awkwardly impose the third degree on her pal. She knew everyone in the family knew and while at first she was happy and possibly even a little excited by that knowledge, her enthusiasm soon turned to concern when Sarah informed her that Shanna had been ignoring all of her messages and calls ever since. None of Audrey’s queries beyond that were met with much more than a non-committal shrug. How could Sarah be expected to answer any of Audrey’s questions when she didn’t have any of the answers to her own?
“She’ll come around. She has to.” Audrey said, in her soothing tone that always seemed to work no matter what news she was giving. “She won’t want to lose you. You’ve been friends for years.”
A few people had said variations of the same thing to her lately. That Shanna will come around, that she was just shocked but she’ll eventually understand, and that things will get better. Carly said Shanna had a wicked stubborn streak in her that even she struggled with at times but she also knew she loved Sarah very, very much. It was just a tough time but she’ll learn to understand. It would absolutely be OK, she would bet money on it Sarah wasn’t so sure.
She already knew Shanna was as stubborn as they come - she’d lived with her long enough - so when exactly was she expected to “learn how to understand”? More importantly, why did she even have to? They had been best friends for years but Sarah had betrayed her trust and flat-out lied to her face. Multiple times. “White lies” Scott called them, shrugging them off as though they were a big pile of nothing and just something people do when they need to get out of awkward situations. Sarah wasn’t sure sleeping with her best friend’s brother counted as an “awkward situation” or something that could be casually brushed aside with a sweep of the hand but nevertheless, she appreciated his efforts.
These were the conversations that kept circling around her mind as she stood under the shower head. Normally, she wasn’t one for wasting water but she allowed herself to enjoy it a little more this time. The soapy lather and fragrances of lavender and sandalwood surrounded her senses and was very soothing to her brain.
She barely noticed the fog steaming up the bathroom and focussed on the feel of the hot water cascading over her tired, worn-out body instead. If she died right here, right now, they could say she was probably the most relaxed she had been in months.
“Shall we pick you up from the airport? It’s no trouble.” Jocelyn fussed on the end of the line. There was a loud scraping sound somewhere in the near-background so Sarah figured she was back on the DIY again. That, or she had given the pottery classes another go. Recollections of Shanna laughing herself silly at Jocelyn “doing pot” flooded back into her memory all of a sudden and only served to leave her feeling sad in the pit of her stomach.
“No, Mom, it’s fine. It’ll be late. I’ll just get a cab.” Sarah calmly affirmed, one hand holding the phone to her ear and the other shoving yet more clothes into her suitcase. She’d given up on folding like an adult. “The flight could be delayed so I don’t want you hanging around the airport any longer than necessary.”
“But you’ll have bags, Sarah. Heavy bags and that’s no good. You don’t want to give yourself an injury.”
“Mom, I have one suitcase. Don’t be so over-dramatic.” She eye-rolled.
That was the…fourth lie? Perhaps the fifth since this conversation had started? Who knew. Sarah glanced down at the suitcase on her bed currently lying next to a smaller, overnight suitcase. There was also a backpack and a laptop bag sitting ready by her bedroom door. It was just easier this way. If she had to explain her real intentions, she would never finish packing and her parents would be on the red-eye to Boston.
“OK, well, keep us posted when you leave and when you land and I suppose we can go from there.” Jocelyn sighed. Whatever she had been doing had now stopped and Sarah could imagine the look of concern on her face. She was momentarily consoled by the fact that her Dad would at least see things from her point of view and hopefully Jocelyn would learn to just drop it.
Sarah hung up the phone and went back into the bathroom to finish drying her hair currently wrapped up in a towel. Shanna had shown her a trick with a towel and an old cotton t-shirt some years earlier after she had eventually agreed to stop cutting her hair. “It’s so beautiful and curly but, like, it’s a nice curl? A gentle curl. Honestly, girls would pay so much money every day to have waves like yours.” enthused Shanna at the time. It was a sweet thing to say. Jocelyn had said much the same thing as she was growing up but Sarah always preferred shorter cuts because she couldn’t be bothered to spend time styling it every day. And it would always take time. Too much time.
Her longer hair felt so lifeless and dull by comparison, she thought, except when Audrey would blow-dry it during one of their all-too-rare girls’ afternoons and rub this coconut concoction into her roots so it smelled delicious for days afterwards. Or when Chris would gently comb his fingers through it when he thought she was asleep. She didn’t mind it so much then.
She finished the last brush-through and switched off the dryer, wrapping the cord around the handle ready for it to be packed. A dab of foundation under her eyes and she looked reasonably well-rested now; well enough so as not to draw attention to any stresses or worries. Jocelyn always had a knack for sussing them out and it was frustrating and unwelcome at the best of times. That she was usually right was beside the point.
She mentally ticked off a list of items she made a point of packing; some comfy sweatpants, a couple of books, her particular brand of coffee because her folks now apparently hated the stuff. She located her passport and boarding pass for the tenth time, making sure they were safely zipped in the side pocket of her backpack. She was pretty much done. If it wasn’t for the looming feeling of regret, she would call a cab to take her to the station right that minute.
Looking down at her phone, she decided to call Shanna one last time. It rang a few times before a groggy voice appeared on the end of the line.
“Hey….” Shanna offered, cold but not totally unhappy to hear her, Sarah thought. The last few times she had tried calling Shanna, it would ring for a lot longer. The shortness here was a small step in the right direction.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sarah asked with some trepidation, trying not to sound overly familiar and casual. She was trying to follow Shanna’s lead with regards to friendly small talk.
“Better. Mom’s been making soup every day. Sick and tired of the stuff to be honest.” Shanna had come down with a small cold and had used it as an opportunity to stay in the relative ease and comfort of her mother’s house. Sarah would much rather have seen her in person before she left but speaking on the phone without one of them, or both of them, ending up in tears was also good.
“Well, at least you’re in the best place. Your Mom always makes me feel better when I’m unwell.” Sarah smiled down the line.
“I’m not unwell, Sarah.” she said, defensively. “It’s just a cold. I’m just tired.”
Sarah feared she’d overstepped the mark. “OK, well, still, it’s good that you’re there. ‘Cos…Lisa would just worry otherwise. Probably.” She was babbling now and she knew it but she couldn’t think of anything to say. Shanna had put up something of a wall between them now and while she was talking to her and not completing freezing her out, it felt different and not altogether pleasant.
“Yeh, that’s true.” Shanna responded after a brief pause. “But you’re a nurse so you would think I would be better in my own home.”
“Nah, I’d just be bringing back all kinds of infectious things.” Sarah joked and was relieved to hear a laugh on the end of the line, a laugh that very quickly turned into a harsh cough. But it had definitely started out as a laugh so she’d take that as a win, too.
“So, have you been really busy?” Shanna asked after she managed to clear her throat.
“Same old. We have a new intern and she’s pretty eager to get stuck in which is great. Audrey is impressed so that should tell you how amazing she is.” Sarah offered. It had in fact been busier than most days but now wasn’t the time to relay the usual information she wouldn’t normally think twice about offering to Shanna when she had asked.
“That’s cool.” Shanna coughed again and cleared her throat. “Have you been working all the time or, um, have you had much of a break?”
“Pretty much all the time, yeh. I did those double shifts I was meant to do last month so I’ve cleared my flexi-time now which is good. I’m back on track.”
“That’s cool.” Shanna said.
“Yeh and I built up some more which is good, too. It’ll come in handy at Christmas perhaps.” Sarah was trying to keep the conversation going as best as she could.
“Cool. Do you just come home and crash, then?”
“Most of the time, yeh.”
“You don’t go out anywhere or anything?”
“Um,” Sarah had a vague idea of what she was getting at. “I don’t really have time to do anything else. I wanted to get my hours back up to a healthy point. You know what O’Brien can be like.”
There was silence on the end of the line. Sarah could hear her shuffle about in what she assumed was her bed. Shanna coughed again, gentler this time, and sighed as she tried to think of what to come back with. She knew she was probably being a little obvious now.
“Well,” Shanna started. “I hope you’re getting through it all OK. Y’know, the work and stuff. I hope you’re doing alright.”
“Thanks. Yeh I’m…I’m alright.” Sarah replied, touched by the slight concern she could hear her speak. “I hope you feel better soon, too. It’s not fun having a cold particularly at this time of the year.”
“I’m sure Mom has been crushing aspirin and vitamins into my food so I’ll be Wonder Woman before you know it.”
Sarah laughed. “Absolutely you will. I’ll, er, let you get back to resting. Are you up to much?”
“No, I’m just watching Netflix.”
“Ah right. That’s cool. Lots of new murder shows from what Audrey tells me.” Sarah nodded. She knew Shanna wasn’t about to launch into a description of what programme she had been binging the last few days so they both vocalised their goodbyes and hung up. It was the first call that had ended on a mutual note and not Shanna making a lame excuse to cut off Sarah’s equally lame attempts at small talk. Again, Sarah took it as a positive.
Sarah looked down at her phone, a photo of them both in their graduation gowns on her home screen. She hadn’t changed it since she’d gotten the upgrade a year earlier and she had no intention of doing so now. It was a nice day, a nice memory. The hangover she suffered for days afterwards was more than worth it.
She was unsure why Shanna had felt the need to ask her what she’d been up to. She had seemed very specific, more so than about anything else they talked about lately. Naturally, Shanna knew Sarah well enough now to know she relied on work whenever she was dealing with something upsetting and difficult so surely it would have been obvious that she had had zero contact with Chris. He probably would have said as much to her in person. Or he would have talked with Scott or Lisa, and Shanna would have eventually found out by default.
The more she thought about it, the more anxious she felt. Knowing how she and Chris had left things, it was almost entirely likely that he hadn’t spoken to Shanna too much. Perhaps he had holed himself up in his apartment like he did following a tiring shoot, trying to sleep and rest and eat whatever carbs he could get his hands on. Maybe the opposite and he’d thrown himself into some training again. Maybe he’d gone back to Los Angeles for work, that he’d finally given in to Matt’s nudges and agreed to accept one of the many lucrative endorsement deals brands would throw his way every so often. Maybe he had been entertaining himself with the boys. Or with someone else. Someone…
No. This had been Sarah’s fault. There was no point trying to find justification for his absence. She had created a rift between a brother and sister where one should not have existed. He should have talked to Shanna but from Shanna’s probing and what little information she could gleam from Scott, evidently that didn’t appear to have taken place. She briefly considered googling his name to see if any news outlets had a scoop before deciding against it. She almost made it to her kitchen before giving in and bringing up a search on her phone. No. Nothing. He’d gone radio-silent as per usual. As she suspected. Normally, it was quite impressive of him to go under the radar with such precision but now it was just inconsiderate. How dare he not make his whereabouts publicly known so Sarah could come up with a half-convenient lie as to why he and Shanna hadn’t seen each other. A comforting lie that could make herself feel better about the mess.
It would have made her feel so much better to know they were getting along again. Selfishly, it would have made it easier for her to leave knowing that they were finding their own way of getting back on track with one another. Sarah could imagine Lisa fretting to Scott and Carly at night, wondering how she could help her two most stubborn children become pals again. Sarah would rather she had been forgotten completely in favour of them piecing their relationship back together, for everyone’s sake. If there was one thing Sarah hated more than drama, it was knowing she was the root cause of the drama. Separating herself from the family now would be preferable than being made increasingly aware of the glaring hole setting up home in their house. A meteoric hole that she had been responsible for. A hole inside a family unit that had gotten through a lot in their forty-plus years together. A wonderful, loving, generous family that had taken Sarah in without question and had accepted her as one of their own just because Shanna had once said she was “pretty cool”.
No, Shanna did not deserve to be frozen out by her brother. Chris didn’t deserve to feel like he couldn’t speak to his baby sister.
*
Another day passed and Sarah didn’t feel much better. She did, however, feel momentarily relieved by Audrey’s personal admission that she had googled Chris a couple of times as well. Another sip of steaming hot coffee and she further admitted to having set him up on her Google Alerts “just in case”.
“For safety. I’m just looking out for you.” Audrey declared before smirking at her across the table. “I didn’t want you waking up one morning to photos of him draped over some starlet or whoever. And don’t think for one second that I will not come for anyone who dares to speak ill of you online. You are beautiful and kind and funny and sweet and absolutely good enough for him. I swear to God and he can quote me on this. Think of me as your own personal hype-woman.”
“Wow. Thank you. That’s a lot to take in but it’s very kind.” Sarah laughed nervously. “I think.”
“All I ask in return is dibs on designer dresses for the wedding.” Audrey winked at her as she left the staffroom. She didn’t catch neither the eye roll nor the middle finger Sarah proffered in return.
A few moments of quiet passed and Sarah pulled up Scott’s number on her phone.
Sarah 10.45am: Is Shanna feeling any better?
Scott 10.52am: So so. She’s terrible at being an ill person. I don’t know how you manage it xx
Sarah texted a laughing emoji back in response followed by a couple of red hearts. She’d give anything to “manage” an ill Shanna right now.
Scott 11.04am: But how are you??? We miss you Xx
Sarah could feel the tears forming at the back of her eyes. It had been a couple of days since she had last cried but as her departure flight loomed ever closer she was feeling it more and more.
Scott 11.08am: Seriously………
Scott 11.09am: Please come see us soon. Mom is super worried about you and threatening to bring you her tiramisu
Scott 11.11am: don’t worry, I stopped her xx
She bit the inside of her lip a little too hard.
Scott 11.13am: but you owe me one. I had to eat half that thing xx
Chris loved tiramisu, she remembered. Maybe he was responsible for eating the other half.
It was no good. She was going to have to call him soon. Against the promise she’d made to herself about not thinking about him, it only served to keep her worrying about him more and more.
Sarah 11.20am: I know, I’m sorry. Tell her I’ll call her soon, I pormise xx
Sarah 11.21am: *promise
Scott 11.24am: not sure that’ll do much honeybun. You know what she’s like. Love you xx
She texted him a kiss emoji and felt relieved that he didn’t respond again. She pulled up Chris’ number and contemplated sending him a message. How would she even start? A simple “hey” was not going to cut it at this point, nor was a “how are you?”. Time was running out and as Ryan peered his head round the door to check on her, she shoved her phone back in her locker and left to finish off her day.
Sarah 15.58pm: Are you still alive?
She stayed staring at her phone for what felt like an eternity. Just before she resigned in disgust at her pitiful attempt at casual humour, she saw the tell-tale three dots appear at the bottom of her screen. They flickered for some time before stopping then starting again. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was composing some irate response at her pathetic joke or if he was deleting a message in favour of ignoring her altogether. She wasn’t sure which option she would prefer had she had the choice.
No response came through. She pulled a cup from the cupboard and set about making a small pot of coffee for herself. She still had a little time yet before she was due to leave for the airport and she had made plans to clean the place up a little before Shanna returned home, presumably a day or so later when she figured Sarah was safely out of the picture.
She picked up some daffodils and daisies on the way home from the hospital and separated the bunches between the living room, the kitchen and the hallway. She had visited two different grocery stores to find Shanna’s favourite flavour of ice cream and the fridge was stocked with some healthy veggies and yoghurt so she could make her breakfast smoothies in the morning. She also set about steam-mopping the hard floors so the clean, floral smell could spread through the entire apartment. It was a nice welcome home, she thought. She would appreciate it if someone had done the same for her.
Her phone started vibrating in the back pocket of her jeans as she folded the bedding that was fresh out of the dryer. She wasn’t altogether able to name the feeling she experienced at seeing Chris’ name flash on her screen alongside a photo of him smiling like the goof he was. A beautiful, sweet picture taken from Shanna’s birthday party three years previous. There was a time recently when she’d let it ring a little longer than was necessary just to allow herself the chance to stare at it for a few seconds more. But now was not one of those times.
“I genuinely didn’t think you were gonna answer me.” He said, his voice displaying the disbelief he was feeling.
“You would have kept ringing me otherwise.” It wasn’t an accusation as such, and he knew it.
“Yeh, probably. But I would have tried not to.” He said, matter-of-factly. “I’m not great with sussing women out but I figured you didn’t want to talk to me that much.”
She felt sad to hear him say it out loud even though it was true to an extent. He seemed submissive in some way. “Really?” She asked, more beseeching than she had intended.
He paused and she could hear him sigh. “Yeh, I would have. It would have been tough but I’ve thought about it a lot recently and I do have a little pride left, believe it or not.” She heard him straighten up and realised he’d been either lying on his couch or on his bed. “But you messaged me first. I’m kinda surprised to be honest.”
He wouldn’t be as surprised or impressed if she said it was just to check he hadn’t died in his sleep. She decided to keep that little tid-bit to herself.
“You’ve been quiet lately.” She said. “I mean, I thought...I don’t…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t actually know what I meant to be honest. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t haven’t contacted you out of the blue like this.”
“It’s fine. I’m glad you did.” Chris was feeling generous and decided to help her put out the fire. He knew she was panicking a little and no matter what else he was thinking right now, hearing her sound apprehensive wasn’t going to make him feel any better.
“I just wondered how you were doing, I suppose. I’ve been talking to Shan a little bit. Not a lot, not like we’re back to normal or anything but I wanted to check you were OK as well.” She tugged at the end of her sweater sleeve currently stretched between her fingers. “I haven’t really asked you that.”
He thought for a second. How was he feeling? He wasn’t sure he could give her an answer. He didn’t really know and he couldn’t make it sound half-positive even if he did. He had thrown himself into his work a lot more, much to the joy of Matt and some producers who had been trying to get his attention. When he wasn’t working out, he was reading scripts and when he wasn’t reading scripts, he was watching his diet. He had been very quiet on social media to an extent that someone in his PR team had taken to posting a couple of things on his behalf. Just two or three charity posts and something NASA-related to let his fans know he hadn’t completely disappeared. The team had notified him earlier that day that a cute dog video they had posted just 24 hours previous had gone viral and he had received more marriage proposals than usual as a result.
By now, he had learned how to fend off his mother and his brother. To be fair, it wasn’t all that hard to do with Scott. Scott had been understanding enough recently and he had the benefit of knowing when to shut up and let Chris go at his own pace. Pushing him was only going to have the opposite effect. More than once, he found himself wondering if Scott had spoken to Sarah. When he tried to hint around the situation to see if that had in fact been true, Scott had shut him down just as quickly. He didn’t mind that all too much. He appreciated Scott’s discretion and no doubt Sarah needed him just as much as he did.
“I’m alright, Bernette.” He said. “You know, fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yeh. Just fine. Nothing more.” He said. He didn’t much care about sugar-coating things but maybe that was out of a little tiredness and boredom. They were way past protecting each other from the other person’s feelings at this point.
“Anyway,” he shook his head. “What about you? How’s things with O’Brien?”
“Oh y’know. Yeh, fine, I guess.” She replied. “How did you know there was any issue with O’Brien?”
“You gotta love that Audrey.” He chuckled.
O’Brien had come under fire last week for yelling at a couple of interns and one of them, unbeknown to anyone else, happened to be the niece of a local congressman. Rumours were circling but Sarah and in fact most of her team had no time to pay attention to anything going on above their heads. That’s the thing with medical emergencies, you see: they never stop just because somebody’s job is on the line.
“Right.” She said. “What else has she said?”
“Nothing much.” He said. “She said you were worried about me.” There was a smugness that she decided to gloss over. Why was Sarah so surprised they had been talking about her behind her back? Why was she surprised that they had each other’s phone numbers?
“And you didn’t think to get in touch?”
“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”
Sarah chewed her bottom lip. If he could only see her now. He’d get a kick out of it for sure.
“Alright. Fair enough.” She sighed. “You’re OK. Good to know. I’ll let you get on with whatever you’re up to.”
“Is that it? That’s all you wanted to say to me?”
“Apparently Audrey has been filling you in.”
“Oh fucking-” He stopped himself. “You cannot be mad about this, surely. Listen, all she said was that you weren’t sure if I was OK because you thought I hadn’t been in touch with the guys. That’s all. She was doing the very thing you should have done yourself.”
She paused and swallowed. “Right.”
“Come on, Sarah. She thought she was helping. She’s just being a good friend.” He pinched the skin on his forehead between his thumb and forefinger. “And it was like yesterday or whenever. It’s not like we’ve been in touch constantly and talking about you all the time. She hasn’t said anything about how much you’re in love with me or how you can’t sleep for thinking about me.”
“What?!”
“It was a joke.” He deadpanned.
“Oh.” She said.
His heart sank – it wasn’t that much of a joke, he had hoped. He slid his hand down his face in frustration, pinching his nose slightly before leaning back on his sofa and staring up at the ceiling. He held his phone tightly to his ear and waited for her to speak.
“It’s OK.” She finally spoke. “I get it. I shouldn’t have been so distant these past few days. I’m sorry, Chris.”
He certainly wasn’t expecting that apology but he could roll with it. “This isn’t all on you, Sarah. I could have been in touch more, too. With everybody, I guess. I had a couple of meetings I had to prepare for so I think I just took that as an excuse not to be more present.”
“Anything fun?” She asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject.
“Kind of. Nothing massive. It’s an ensemble piece that a director wanted to talk to me about. It actually sounds pretty cool.” He scratched the side of his beard in contemplation. “It’s your cup of tea for sure. You like those murder-mystery-type films, right?”
“Oh yeh! Like Agatha Christie and Poirot? Love them.”
“I thought so. It’s a great script and I get some funny lines for a change. It’s something a little different and Matt keeps telling me that I need to think outside of the Marvel box, so…we’ll see how it goes.” He could feel himself growing a little more enthusiastic at the prospect of doing the movie. He should probably call Matt and tell him the same thing. He sounded like he was having a rough day so a contrite and grateful actor would cheer him up no end.
“Anyway, that’s about it. I’m kinda bored to be honest. Have you eaten yet today?”
She had all but emptied the fridge last night to remove anything that might go off in the next couple of days. Now it was filled with some of Shanna’s favourite things and there wasn’t anything in it that really appealed to her at this moment in time. She hadn’t thought much about food all day to tell the truth. She figured she’d grab a bagel while waiting for her flight.
“Um, no.” She said. “But I’m not that hungry either.”
“You don’t want waffles? With white chocolate? Raspberries?”
She did want that now he mentioned it. “No, I’m good.”
“That’s a lie.”
“It is not a lie.” Even she knew she wasn’t being convincing.
“Everybody wants waffles.” He implored. “It’s God’s way of saying he wants you to be happy. Come on, it’s my treat.”
“I just think…we probably shouldn’t see each other for a while.” She looked down the hall at the packed bags currently leaning against her bedroom door.
“It’s waffles, Sarah. I think I can control myself.”
“Um…”
“That’s good enough for me. See you in twenty.”
He hung up before she could respond. With no opportunity to persuade him otherwise, she stayed put in her kitchen, waiting for waffles.
*
“Hi.”
“Hi,” She smiled at him openly and saw his shoulders relax. Without prompting, he walked in past her and placed the take-out boxes on the counter. They were the size of pizza boxes and she felt her tummy rumble in anticipation.
“So, I’ve been thinking.” He started as he turned to face her again.
“In the few minutes since we last talked?” She spoke in jest.
“Hush, Bernette.” He eye-rolled. “I’ll have you know, I’ve been thinking very seriously these past few days and I know it’s tough right now but just hear me out, OK? Because I think I know a way to make things a little easier. Maybe if you get some time off from work, get some time away from everything, from Boston perhaps, it could actually make things a little better for the both of us. For everyone. I’ve been trying to think about things in a different way and not in my usual blinkered view or whatever the fuck Scott says I have, and I honestly think I’m seeing things a little clearer now, and…”
He glanced away from her face for only a split second but it was enough for him to visibly shrink a little in his stance before her eyes. Sarah followed his eyeline to the bags currently resting down the hall. The angle of the suitcase was hiding the other bags behind it but if he shifted a mere foot forward, he could possibly get the full picture.
Turning back to look at her, he furrowed his brow in confusion. “What’s going on?”
Sarah visibly swallowed and he knew the answer before she even opened her mouth. He became all too aware of her hands and arms hanging limply at her sides.
“I’m going to see my parents for a few days.”
“A few days? That’s a lot for a few days, Sarah. You normally travel light.”
“I just packed for a little longer ‘cos I wasn’t sure what I was going to-”
Chris didn’t give her time to bend the truth. He turned and walked back into the kitchen. She watched him move to the window before looking down at his feet and shaking his head in frustration. He rubbed a hand solidly over his beard. “You’re leaving.”
“Well, yeh, I’m going to see my parents and the two usually go hand in hand.”
“Oh, fuck off, Sarah.” He spat. “Don’t get smart with me. You’re doing a runner. This looks like a fucking cop-out.”
“No, you’re wrong. It’s not a cop-out and I don’t appreciate that tone either. If I was doing a runner, do you think I would do it in broad daylight and tell everyone what I was doing? I literally just told you where I was going.” She retorted.
She grabbed the last bottle of water from the fridge. She wasn’t particularly thirsty at that moment in time but she knew that he would eventually want it and she didn’t much feel like being accommodating right now especially not to a man who was calling her out in her own home. That he was entirely accurate in his assumptions was, well, irrelevant.
“How long are you really going for?” He asked as he watched her disappear from view and back down the hall to her bedroom.
“I just told you. A few days, maybe a week or so, and then I’ll figure it out from there.”
“Figure what out?”
“Just…” She turned back to face him, waving her hand vaguely in front of her in the vain hope he would suddenly understand everything she was trying to say. Either he did and didn’t want to give her an easy “out” or, most likely, he had zero clue because neither did she. Giving up, her shoulders slumped from their squared-off position just seconds ago when she was trying to give the impression of strength. “It’s just a lot, all of this, and I need some time out.”
He took another couple of small steps towards her before stopping by her bags. Looking down, he could see her intentions as clear as day now but as he looked back into her eyes, he could see her exhaustion ever clearer. They should be on the same side. He shouldn’t be picking on her this way.
“You just said I could do with a break, right?” She shrugged. “So, this is what I’m doing. You should be pleased. You could even say I’m taking your advice if you wanted to.”
“Yeh, but I actually meant taking a break together.” He conceded. “I came here to say I thought we could go to L.A. for a little while. I need to check on a couple of work things and I thought you could come with me. Nothing funny, I promise. Some proper sunshine might be cool, right?”
Sarah was struck by the kind gesture and the glint of hope now showing in his eyes. Despite what they had both said, he clearly hadn’t lost the small possibility that maybe they could try and forge something out of the ruins and, under different circumstances, she might have been tempted.
“Thanks for thinking of me.” She offered, merely giving him a small smile. It didn’t seem like there was much else to say. The bags were packed and now that he could take in his surroundings, it felt a little emptier somehow and like it had all been wiped clean. Except he didn’t feel so clean. He could feel her on him, on his skin and in his head, and he doubted he could remove her as easily as she was clearly hoping she could remove him.
“Do you think you’ll let us know when you come back?” he asked.
She looked passed him and down the hall, focussing on nothing in particular. “Yes, of course I’ll let you guys know. I’m not going forever.”
She tried her best to convince him but she knew it wasn’t going to do much.
“I know that,” he sighed. “but it’ll be weird not seeing you every day. It’ll be sad. I’ll be sad about it.”
He let out a deep breath and shuffled his feet awkwardly as he tried to think of something to say that might drag things out a little more, that might cause her to rethink her plans. It was one of the more frustrating things about her, that she could keep a secret so well. He briefly wondered if he could think of some more frustrating things about her that might help him cope with the current situation but no. Who was he kidding?
“I like this apartment.” He finally offered. “Some good memories.”
“You know that Shanna will still be here, right?” She chuckled.
“But you won’t be.” He said. “And between you and me? You’re kind of my favourite.”
“I won’t tell Scott you just said that.”
“He knows already. I wouldn’t worry about it.” He said. “Hey, do you think I could come and visit you?”
“Um-”
“-Just think about it. You don’t need to answer right now. It’s been ages since I’ve been to Maine and I hear they have amazing seafood.”
Sarah laughed again and regarded him like the small puppy he so obviously was. A small puppy that she realised she had been kicking ever-so-slowly over the past few weeks and it made her feel like shit. As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew she was running away and she knew she was a coward.
“I am sorry, Chris. For everything. I can’t really explain it in a way that means anything right now but I just wanted to say it clearly one more time to you in case I hadn’t really said it before.”
Chris held his hand up to stop her from saying anything more. He didn’t need an apology from her. Hearing her apologise only made him feel worse. Of the multiple times she had been caught under his gaze, nothing was quite like the way he was looking at her now.
“Sarah,” he started. “I need you to know that whatever it is you want from me, I’ll never say no.”
“Chris, I-”
“-Honestly, that’s….that’s the only thing I really wanted to say.” He held his hand up again to stop her if she was thinking of interrupting him again. “I’m gonna go and I hope you have a safe trip, OK? Enjoy your waffle. Maybe send me a text or something, let me know you made it there in one piece. If you want to. Maybe we’ll see each other again sooner rather than later.”
She saw his eyes glance behind her and into her bedroom. He turned and glanced once more into the bathroom like he was taking a mental picture of the place which seemed crazy to her until she remembered that he wasn’t strictly talking to Shanna and it was unlikely he’d be back here anytime soon. God, she hoped they’d fix things. She needed to at least believe her leaving would make things a little better for them. Otherwise, what would be the point?
*
They didn’t say goodbye in the typical sense or any kind of sense, really. She was almost relieved to watch him walk away quietly without looking back and equally as relieved to have made it to the airport without much more fuss.
Like it was said, she was a coward.
Audrey had called her to wish her a safe journey and then spent fifteen minutes complaining about O’Brien and a patient who had taken to calling her “princess”. Sarah was glad of the distraction as she made her way through the airport towards the waiting lounge. It was pretty busy for the time of evening but she was glad to feel invisible once again as she moved through the heavy criss-crossing crowds of people, each with their own issues to deal with. Something about strength in numbers perhaps. A couple more hours and she’d be home again. A couple more hours and Jocelyn could stop texting her messages that made little sense.
Oh God.
Living with her mother again was going to try her patience. Maybe this was the price she had to bear? It wasn’t too late to change her mind, Audrey had said before pleading in a half-joking, half-serious manner that surely, she wasn’t going to leave her to handle the hospital by herself? It was almost like she was expecting never to see Sarah again. A few weeks. That was all it was going to be. Then she’d figure out what to do from there, with a break and some fresh Maine-air to clear the cobwebs. Chris was right about the seafood and the closer she got to her departure time, the more she started looking forward to it. She was sure she was making the right decision.
Synopsis: 29-year-old nurse Sarah Bernette has worked hard to get where she is. After moving to Boston, she’s grateful her work is finally paying off. Despite being fostered repeatedly throughout her childhood, she’s since found some comfort in the form of her adopted parents, Jocelyn and Noah, and a pseudo-adoptive family of sorts in form of the Evans clan who have treated her as one of her own ever since she moved in with best friend, Shanna.Valuing them above all else, she appreciates their support even more when her long lost birth mother decides to reappear in her life after so many years, and is surprised to find out just how supportive Chris grows to be towards her. As she struggles to maintain a firm grip on both her professional and private lives, she finds an ill-advised solace in her growing mutual attraction with him but how long before everything unravels and threatens to pull the rug out from underneath her?
Warnings: Mature content, talk of adoption, Angst, 18+, strong language, NSFW at times (indicated before each chapter)
Notes: This is my first foray into the world of fan fiction. I apologise in advance for grammar and spelling errors! Let me know if you have any queries or any tips for writing. All gratefully appreciated x
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART ONE
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART TWO
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART ONE
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART TWO
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PART THREE
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Coming soon...
CHAPTER NINETEEN: Coming soon...
CHAPTER TWENTY: Coming soon...
NB: I am reposting this story on AO3 but please do not reblog on any other site, story or otherwise, without my permission. Thank you :)
Notes: So sorry this took me an age to get out. Thanks for sticking with me. We’re in the end game now...
Warnings: Heavy language. Angst.
Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sarah was trying her hardest to get out of Lisa’s birthday weekend. Really trying. She couldn’t remember the last time she had put this much effort into something that wasn’t related to work or getting to a finish line she’d imposed upon herself while out on a run.
She wasn’t a very creative person either. Not when it counted. She spent three days pathetically dropping hints that she was coming down with something. Scott dismissed it at first, insisting the fresh air would do her some good. She went as far as to suggest she was feeling quite nauseous so perhaps a five-hour-plus car journey might not be the best idea. Only she had downplayed it to such an extent, she inadvertently removed the problem from the table.
She also tried the whole “it should be a family event” thing, but Shanna told her she was family and that she should stop mithering and start packing.
Things got a little desperate. She wasn’t proud of herself but when Audrey had told her about a falling-out she’d had with Michael, well, it would be stupid to lose that golden opportunity. So, she told Shanna she was thinking of offering to stay and support her dear, dear friend and colleague but, with a glint in her eye, Audrey insisted it wasn’t that big of a problem. She was definitely off Sarah’s Christmas card list now.
Truth be told, she didn’t have a legitimate reason to avoid the break. She couldn’t deny the prospect of having the entire apartment to herself for four days was enticing, though. She could enjoy some rare peace and quiet. She could read a book in a long, hot bubble bath without Shanna perching by the side and regaling her with the latest issues in her romantic life. She could cook and eat seafood without worrying about giving her best friend an allergic reaction. She could also lounge around in her pyjamas all day, or maybe even naked.
No, not naked. She was never one for that idea.
Carly had been filling the family WhatsApp with game ideas; some solo, some in teams. All kid-friendly, which was a speciality of the Evans’ clan. Lisa had planned a long hike for the Sunday morning followed by what sounded like an extravagant picnic with champagne, quiche and foot-long subs. She also sent a picture of three humongous bags of marshmallows, the size of small children, and suggested they could sit round a camp fire on the evening they arrive. That was assigned to Chris as his first job.
There was also the small issue of a massive hot tub. Thanks to a new reliance on fast food during her late shifts, Sarah wasn’t much a fan of her body at the present time. That was another thing she’d have to contend with. She loved the family but forced fun in bathing suits was not really her “thing”.
“If we get there early, we can bagsy the attic room.” Shanna suggested, nose in a gossip magazine. Sarah nodded in agreement while keeping her eyes on the television. “I’ll be damned if Scott gets it all to himself again.”
“Sure thing.” Sarah replied, acting nonchalant and biding her time once more before she could raise again the possibility of her not going with them.
“Don’t get anything out for dinner tonight. We’re heading to mom’s in a couple of hours. I hope that’s OK.”
“Sure. Wait, what?” Sarah did a double take at Shanna, her face now fully hidden by her magazine.
“Sorry!” She peaked out over the top of the page. “I forgot to say earlier but Mom wanted to have dinner at hers tonight so we can go through the itinerary in full. Make sure everyone knows what they’re bringing. I said it’d be cool ‘cos you weren’t working.” Her tone was apologetic. “You’re not doing anything, are you?”
No, she wasn’t doing anything. And she couldn’t think of anything either. There was literally no thoughts running through her mind at that time. None that offered her any help whatsoever. Blank. Stupid, fucking, dumbass.
“Yeh, no, of course. Makes sense.” She responded after a second had passed. She silently blew out a long breath and sank further into the couch.
*
When Shanna had said they were having dinner, Sarah figured it would be one of Lisa’s massive pot pies followed by the biggest tub of Neapolitan ice cream she could find. Something easy and comfortable that wouldn’t get in the way of the more pressing matters at hand, namely finalising plans for her birthday weekend. She was most certainly not expecting candles and a table runner, the fancy anniversary cutlery and four or five bottles of expensive red wine. Lisa had even added some fresh flowers as a centrepiece.
Sarah looked down at her ripped black jeans and grey t-shirt and felt woefully under-dressed. She scolded Shanna with an annoyed look that didn’t go unnoticed.
“I didn’t know she was planning some fancy thing, did I?!” Shanna whispered as they hung up their jackets in the hallway. “You know what she’s like.”
Sarah did know what she was like so, really, she should have known better.
Shanna nudged her out of the way to walk into the kitchen and give her mother a hug, leaving Sarah standing in the doorway feeling like a potato and not sure how to make use of herself. She could hear Scott get beaten loudly by Carly’s husband on a computer game. She glanced her head inside the living room and waved at them, watching as they offered muffled sounds as acknowledgement of her greeting. Chris didn’t seem to be anywhere around yet which gave her some mild comfort at least. In fact, nearly a whole hour went by before he arrived. A light, summer shower had started outside and his arrival was announced to all by Lisa’s shrill tone instructing him to take his shoes off before walking on her newly shampooed carpet.
“Yeh, ma, I got it. Gimme a break…”
“Did you bring that picnic blanket I asked you to find? The one you brought last year? The large, tartan one?”
Chris gave his mother a confused look before she audibly sighed. “I asked you about it yesterday? I texted you earlier to remind you? Jesus….”
He shrugged off his sport jacket, placing it on top of Sarah’s, and toed his boots off before ambling into the dining room to join the others.
“She’s on one again.” Scott whispered to him as Chris took a seat beside him, across from Sarah and Shanna. “She called me three times this morning alone to remind me to pick up plastic cups and plates. Like I’m gonna forget something she’s messaged me about, like, a hundred times.”
“That’s nothing. You should see the list of jobs she’s given to Miles and Ethan.” Michael joined in.
“But they’re only kids.” Scott questioned him, half surprised and half...not so surprised. His memory suddenly recalled all kinds of jobs he was forced to do as a young boy, raking lawns and cleaning the family car. Michael just shrugged back at him, rolling his eyes knowingly. Scott looked between Shanna and Sarah, worrying for what she’ll impose upon them all next.
“She hasn’t given me any jobs yet.” Shanna said. She almost sounded offended at being left out of the menial work. The room fell silent as everyone else slyly eyed each other. “Oh, right. Thanks guys.”
“Hey, your job is to read the maps so we get there in one piece.” Scott finally broke the awkward silence.
“And Sarah? What’s Sarah’s job? I don’t think she’s been asked to do anything either.”
“Her job is to make sure you’re reading the map the right way around.” Chris interrupted and the room descended into fits of laughter. Shanna merely leaned back in her chair, folded her arms and cast a mental curse on her older brother. Sarah tried hard to mask a smirk that didn’t go unseen by Chris.
Pointedly ignoring his sister, Chris reached for the open bottle of wine closest to him. He leaned his arm across the table and offered Sarah a glass. “Want a top-up?”
They made eye contact for the first time in what felt like ages and he smiled at her, a slight crease appearing in the corners of his eyes so she knew it was genuine. “No, I’m OK. Better pace myself.”
They hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t messaged each other, in over a week. She was grateful for the break. He looked good, though. Lean and sculpted to a point that was inhuman or, at the very least, unfair to an average human being. A couple of weeks of working out and his body seemed to ping back to what it once was. It was like watching elastic snap into place. Sarah suddenly felt every single extra pound clinging to her thighs. Whenever she gained weight, it always seemed to land there. It was annoying and proved nearly impossible to remove no matter how often she ran.
“The hell is this?” Chris asked. He finally noticed the smooth table runner stretching out in front of him. “Are we expecting someone official?”
“Just keep quiet and let her do her thing.” Scott pleaded with him quietly before connecting eyes with Shanna and Sarah, everyone seemingly thinking the same thing. “Let’s try to get out of here in one piece, yeh?”
“What took you so long to get here, Chris?” Lisa asked as she walked back into the dining room carrying a large tray of what looked like bread rolls. She placed it down in the centre before moving to the side table to gather the salt and pepper grinders.
“Oh, it was just a work call.” He shrugged, confident enough in his manner that the conversation didn’t go any further. Scott elbowed him seemingly without anyone else noticing but Chris brushed him off with a shake of his head. He rested his chin on his hand as he took stock of what was in front of him, Sarah included.
His beard was thicker and apparently untended to, Sarah noticed, now that things had quietened down. He glanced at her through his lashes as things grew quiet and Lisa started dishing out vegetables to everyone. Lisa had a particular way of handling large family dinners – lessons learned from cooking for many kids over the years. You knew to wait until everyone had something on their plate before making moves for any more. It all smelled delicious. As unnerved as Sarah felt with the formality laid out in front of her, she had to admit she was looking forward to some proper home-cooked food.
Chris kept looking at Sarah, hands folded in her lap, polite as always, waiting for everyone else to go in front of her. He saw Michael help himself to three bread rolls before passing the plate back round to Lisa. Michael was a tall, hefty man whose appetite never seemed to be affected by anything. Even when he had horrendous flu that left him in bed for a fortnight, he still managed to put a lot away. He had never once experienced food poisoning.
“If you’re waiting for everyone else, there’ll be nothing left.” Chris spoke as he leaned in towards her so she could hear him over the sounds of cutlery and enjoyment. “Just go for it.”
She smiled shyly back at him and thanked Lisa for cooking what appeared to be a mini-feast.
“Can you pass the butter, please?” Shanna asked as she reached her arm over Sarah’s plate, forcing Sarah to lean back in her chair. She stretched her other arm out for the gravy that Scott was currently pouring over his plate.
“You’re always so polite.” Chris chuckled. “Shan, can you stop getting in the way and let the poor girl eat.”
“Huh?” Shanna questioned, unaware of what was going on.
“You’re getting in her way.”
“No, she’s fine. It’s fine.” Sarah quickly interrupted as she sensed him bristle with frustration.
He looked at her for another second before shaking his head. Shanna threw her brother a look of puzzlement but Scott appeared just as confused by his sudden tone.
“Bet this beats McDonald’s, eh Sarah?” Carly said, before giggling to herself.
“You’re telling me. I can’t remember the last time I ate something green and fresh.”
“Michael is so jealous.”
Michael’s ears perked up as he turned to his wife and Sarah. “Damn straight. Being only able to eat burgers and fries is, like, the dream scenario.”
“Why have you been on so many night shifts lately anyway?” Chris asked, a mouth full of chicken, placing the spotlight firmly on her.
She tried to shrug it off, act casually. “Audrey needed some extra support and I figured it would do me good to work in a few more nights. I always seem to manage to get out of them.”
She was fast hoping Lisa would start discussing the impending trip to distract everyone but no such luck.
This felt like it was going to be a long night.
“It gave you time off for this weekend so swings and roundabouts, eh?” Shanna added. “Speaking of which, is there anything you need us to do for the trip, Mom? I noticed everyone else has jobs and lists except for us.” Shanna inquired, not quite able to hide the mild accusatorial tone creeping into her words.
“Um, no, I don’t think so, honey. Just trying to keep it as casual as possible.”
Scott nearly choked out a chunk of potato. Chris, side-eyeing Michael’s increasingly red face, tried his hardest not to bark out in laughter. It was tough. Lisa noticed it, too. Choosing to ignore it, she turned back to her daughter.
“I meant that things are under control now so there’s no need to add to the pile. As long as you get there on time, that’s all I’ll ask for.”
Shanna wasn’t feeling convinced and the smug grin now on Chris’ face wasn’t helping to reassure her either. She turned to Sarah to see if she was thinking the same thing as her but Sarah just kept her eyes on the plate of food in front her, hoping that if she continued eating and finished as quickly as possible, she could get home again.
“I can do something, Mom.” She protested. “I could bring that lawn bowling game again?”
“Actually, Michael has one of those. It’s a bit newer and the skittles are heavier so the wind won’t keep knocking them over.” Carly spoke up before glancing apologetically at her sister. “He just got it from a friend at work, so… No biggie.”
“What about wine and drinks? We could stop off on the way up?”
“I put an order in for all of that.” Lisa responded with a casual wave of her hand. “It’ll be here the day before so I’ll pack it up here before we set off. Speaking of which, anyone for more wine?”
Shanna remained quiet as the family conversed about nothing in particular. Carly was talking about some game the kids at school had taught her that might be fun for the weekend but nothing could remove the unease surrounding her sister. Sure, Shanna wasn’t the most reliable when it came to shopping lists and sticking to plans but it was unlike Lisa not to call upon her for something, no matter how small and inconsequential it might be.
Attention turned from one brother to the next as discussions about carpooling took over. Chris really wanted to use the trip as an excuse to take his new Audi for a drive but with all the gear he and Scott had to bring, there wasn’t much room for anything or anyone else.
“Except maybe Sarah?” Chris posed the question, keeping it casual. “You could tag along with us and then Shanna could go with mom, I guess.”
“I was thinking of hiring a car myself actually.” Chris looked surprised at Sarah’s sudden offer. She hated driving. “We could take some of the load off everyone else then. Lisa? We could pack up some of your stuff?”
Sarah had loosely discussed this with Shanna some time ago but they had ultimately decided against it because, well, she really hated driving. Now, however, sensing her friend’s growing despondency, she figured it might help her feel more useful. Plus, it would give Sarah some control over when they could head back home again.
Shanna looked at her friend and smiled gratefully.
“That’s very kind of you, Sarah. I supposed you both could go on ahead and get the keys from Maggie and we could meet you there soon after? I said we would be getting there some time around the early afternoon if that’s alright with you both?” Lisa requested, opening another bottle of wine. Shanna nodded, a smile wide on her face now and she felt a sense of relief.
Sarah mentally calculated backwards from “early afternoon” and reasoned they would need to be up and out of the apartment by 7am at the latest. Suddenly, her role in proceedings made more sense where Shanna was concerned. She gladly accepted a new glass of wine and made a mental note to contact the car rental in the morning.
“You know who you should ask about renting cars?” Scott asked. “Greg, of course! I bet he knows a guy who knows a guy who is the son of the guy that started Mercedes. Or something. Either that or he probably has shares in Hertz.”
Sarah rolled her eyes at him, laughing. He probably wasn’t wrong.
“OK there, brother. You need to ease up on the wine” Chris pushed Scott’s glass further away and patted him on the back. “There you go, little sis. Looks like you have a job after all.”
A clear sign of Chris’ irritation was when he chose to be patronising. Shanna was taken aback by his tone and Sarah felt her friend sink back into her chair, irritated. Sarah raised her eyebrow at him but all he did was shrug, playing innocent. Not his strong point.
The room stayed silent for a little while as people finished up their meals. As much as she originally wanted to pace herself, Sarah didn’t object when Scott filled her glass up yet again. He turned in his chair to place the empty bottle on the side table alongside the others. It was then that Sarah noticed all of the other empties. Had they really drunk that much? In little more than an hour? She clocked the time and there still seemed to be plenty of food left. They would be travelling much of it home as afters at this rate. Chris left the room briefly and returned with a couple of beers for him and Michael.
“What are you gonna do with all this left-over food, ma?” Chris asked as he sat back down indicating a second tray of roast potatoes that had so far gone untouched.
“Please don’t let us take any.” Sarah joked, holding her hands up in playful protest.
“What?” Scott asked before laughing. He looked at his sister before smiling broadly at Sarah as he watched her cheeks blush red.
“Oh, she’s feeling self-conscious about her weight.” Shanna answered, nudging her under the table. That was helpful of her, thought Sarah. She could feel herself heating up as they all looked at her, waiting for her to speak up again. Chris took a swig of beer from his bottle and leaned his forearm on the table.
“No way in hell are you fat, Sarah. That’s ridiculous.” Scott combatted. “You’re really trim, being on your feet all day. I’d love to give you my fit-bit some time. I’d probably gain a few thousand steps.”
Sarah laughed out loud. “Thank you, Scott. Can we please change the subject?”
“So, you’ll be wearing a two-piece, yeh?” Chris asked. She turned to look at him suddenly before chuckling nervously.
“Um, I have no idea yet. Are we even going to use the hot tub?”
“I won’t be.” Lisa laughed.
“Oh, we all definitely will! It’s the height of summer and that thing can fit a dozen people. Ample room for comfort!” Scott enthused. He should be a salesman.
“And it’d be a real shame if you didn’t join in, Bernette.”
She felt her skin heat up under Chris’ gaze as he attempted to hide the fact he was looking at her by taking another long swig from his beer bottle. “I’m not apologising for that by the way. As a man and your friend, I can say that and you can’t get mad at me.”
“What?” Scott asked. It was a valid question in the circumstances. “What a…weird thing to say.” Scott laughed a little uncomfortably but Chris didn’t break eye contact with Sarah.
“So,” Michael attempted to add some humour back into the room. “Bet it’s nice sleeping during the daytime now you’re on lates? I used to love lazing around the house when I did them.”
Scott nodded enthusiastically in agreement, slapping his hand on the table. “I remember night shoots on this one TV drama I did a few years ago and honestly, the sleep I got the next day was the best ever. I don’t know why but I always tend to sleep better in the daytime.”
“Funny, that’s what your teachers used to say.” Chris joked, swigging his beer. Lisa giggled and fondly touched her son’s elbow.
“Oh ha ha ha. You’re so funny. I swear if you’re this amusing this weekend, I might not survive my sides splitting open.” Scott rolled his eyes. “Which reminds me, we should figure out rooms now so there’s no fighting on the day. No way am I sharing with this idiot.”
“You only wanna do that ‘cos you know we’ll be there first and we will be bagsying the attic this time.” Shanna thumbed the space between her and Sarah.
“You don’t deserve the attic.” Chris pointed. “You’ll be half-cut the entire weekend, like last time. You won’t enjoy the space or the views.”
“Excuse me? What do you care?” Shanna retorted.
“You spent a whole day in bed with a hangover last time. If you’re gonna be sharing with Sarah, it’s not fair on her to have to look after you. Again. It’ll spoil her weekend as well.” He explained. “She deserves a break just as much as you do.”
Shanna looked aghast at her friend before regarding her brother again. She shook her head in disbelief. “I can handle my drink, OK? I was just gonna say that it wouldn’t be fair if Scott got that room all to himself. Especially if he’s on his own again.”
“Thanks sis.”
“Sorry, Scott. But…y’know. If anything, Mom should have it.” She suggested, looking towards her mother in hopes that she might appreciate the offer.
“Thanks sweetie but I’ll be staying in the guest house this time. With Carly, Mikey and the kids.”
“Since when?” Chris asked, surprised.
“We just figured it would be easier this time around. Plus, I can help with the kids and you guys can sort breakfast for us all. Get your pancake apron out again, hun.” She winked at him, sipping her wine.
“Chris is a great tosser.” Shanna said under her breath.
“Shanna….” Lisa nudged her.
“Wait, so does this mean we get a room each then?” Scott interrupted. He wasn’t even sure of what he was saying as the wine haze gradually descended over him. “Sarah?”
“I have absolutely no idea.”
“I’ve lost track of what’s going on now.” Scott said.
“That doesn’t answer the question of who gets the attic, though?” Shanna asked, a little whinier than she had intended.
“If Sarah and I take the downstairs rooms, we can figure out breakfast in the mornings.” Chris suggested. “And you can have your precious attic. That makes it easier, right? Does that make you happy, Shanna? Good.”
“What’s crawled up your ass and died this evening?” Shanna asked, irritated.
“Oh my god, Shanna, it’s a fucking bedroom.” He practically spitted. “You keep dragging everything out and making everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are! I’m just making the decisions so we can all move the fuck on.”
“Chris!” Lisa reprimanded her son and regretted over-ordering on the wine.
“It’s alright now.” Sarah attempted to calm things down. “I think we’ve pretty much figured it out so it’ll be fine.” Carly nodded and nudged Michael to offer something by way of support but he looked just as baffled by the tension as she did.
Chris landed his bottle on the table hard. “Sarah, you don’t need to keep standing up for her. She’s a big girl. She should be able to figure it out now without you babysitting her all the goddamn time.”
“What?!” Shanna also slammed her glass down on the table and looked to Scott and Carly for some back-up but they both seemed frozen to their respective spots. “I don’t need babysitting.”
“OK, guys. Dessert? I have pecan pie and or ice cream?” Lisa offered, standing up from her seat and making a shade more noise than necessary in the hope it might snap the kids out of whatever funk they were in.
Chris glared at his sister a beat too long and she returned the favour before turning away with a look of disgust. “You’re gonna be heaps of fun this weekend, I can tell.” Shanna shrugged. “Clearly, I’m not the one we need to be concerned with. Maybe it’s you that needs babysitting?”
“Fuck you!” Chris stressed, just low enough to miss his mother’s ears.
Carly’s eyes grew wide in shock and for a second, Chris looked like he might apologise. Sarah reached a hand under the table to gently tap Shanna on her leg. Shanna felt it but didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she leant on her elbow and rubbed her earlobe between her thumb and forefinger, a sure sign she was feeling upset and possibly trying to stop tears forming. Sarah tried to get Chris’ gaze back on her but he continued eying his sister, no apology yet materialising. He was a loose cannon when he was in this mood and she didn’t much want to stick around and find out what might happen if he downed another beer.
“We should probably think about heading home, Shan. I’ll check for an Uber.” Sarah stated.
“Don’t do that, I’ll give you a lift, hun. It won’t take long. We can have some pie and then go if you like.” Carly offered with a wink and for the first time that evening, Sarah noticed she hadn’t been drinking.
“Always looking out for you, aren’t we?” Chris said, lowly.
“Do you wanna calm down?” Shanna asked.
“I am calm.” Chris replied. “I’m just having a nice time, right? That’s what we’re all doing here, yeh? Sarah?”
“Sorry?”
“Are you having a good time?” He pressed.
She was sure he was leading her into a trap.
“I am OK. Sure.” She spoke each syllable carefully, trying to warn him off from whatever his motive was.
“I don’t believe you.”
She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, or anyone. She held her hands in her lap and paid attention to the air she was now breathing in deeply.
“Oh Jesus Christ!” Shanna called out. She was growing more and more frustrated with her brother by the second.
“Shanna!” intercepted Lisa.
“No! He’s being a dick and I wanna know why!” She turned back to Chris. “What the hell have I done to piss you off?!”
He stayed quiet, blocking her voice out. He focussed as much of his energy as he could at Sarah sitting across from him, willing her to look back at him, to let him know it was going to be OK. He swung between feeling regret and feeling practically and absurdly confident. It was the beer obviously. It really felt like a now-or-never moment. Fuck it.
“I’m sorry, Sarah.”
Sarah finally looked up at him, tears appearing in the corners of her eyes. Her feet felt like they were weighed down with concrete to the spot underneath. She tried to feel them, to grab at the carpet between her toes. She was pretty sure she could no longer hear what was going on around her as she felt her heart beat inside her ears.
“Why are you apologising to her? I’m the one that’s upset!” countered Shanna, jabbing her finger at him, aggressively.
He shook his head before looking back at his sister. “I’m sorry, Shanna. I wish there was a better way of saying this but I guess not. I’m just…”
He paused as he tried to find the words. Sarah felt her heart sink. What felt like goosebumps suddenly appeared up and down her arms. Chris looked at her again. Scott looked at her, too, picking up on something for the first time but what, he couldn’t work out. Damn that second bottle.
“I’m just tired.” Chris offered. Carly looked to Michael but he knew nothing of what was happening. “Of this.”
“Is it work again?” Lisa enquired. “Maybe you could work in some time off this time around, so you’re not away from home for as long.”
“No, it’s not work, ma. I’m just tired in general. Of a lot of things. People.” He pronounced each syllable as clearly as he possibly could. “And I know it sounds pathetic and you’re probably thinking I’m being selfish but I really don’t fucking care.”
“I…I don’t understand, honey.”
“Yeh, what are you talking about?” Shanna turned to her friend but her stare wasn’t quite matched by Sarah who looked like she was waiting for the ground to swallow her whole. “Does anyone know what the hell he’s talking about? Or why I am in the firing line for it all of a sudden?”
“Shan, I don’t think-” Scott started but the glare from his sister stopped him in his tracks. Scott looked at Sarah and things started falling into place. For some reason, of all the memories to have at that moment in time, his mind flashed back to standing out on his brother’s terrace on the evening of his birthday party. Chris had been distracted and checking his phone, even more than usual so Scott was certain it had something to do with a girl. Normally, he’d feel a sense of pride at being right but it didn’t feel altogether appropriate in the current circumstances.
“What the hell is going on?” Shanna pressed. She looked to Scott who had his gaze fixed firmly on his brother. “Do you know, Scott?”
Scott looked to his brother and when Chris met his gaze, he knew. He knew Scott knew, too. Call it brotherly intuition but something had connected for him and Chris was all the more grateful for it.
“Do you ever feel tired or dictating everyone else’s happiness?” Chris asked, breaking the silence.
Shanna dropped her hands on her lap in frustration. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? When have I ever dictated your happiness?”
“Do you even realise what people do for you? Do you ever take notice of everyone around you, going out of their way to make you feel better even if it makes them feel worse? Take tonight for example. Sarah doesn’t even wanna drive this weekend. She fuckin’ hates it, you know this, but she’s doing it anyway so that you can feel useful. It’s pathetic.”
“What? You heard her, she just offered.”
“Because you’ve been moaning about not having anything to do! If you’d just moved on, shut up, she probably wouldn’t have needed to.”
“That’s not true. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shanna dismissed him.
“Why don’t I get the car running and you guys can meet me outside in 5?” Carly proposed, indicating to Sarah that she should try and gather her things, Shanna included.
Chris completely ignored Carly. “And you’ve asked her what she wants, right?”
“Chris, please…” It was pathetic. Sarah knew that.
“I just don’t get it, Sarah.” He turned to her with a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve thought about it all week but I just don’t understand what you are getting out of this. Surely, I give you more than this?”
“OK.” Lisa got up from the table and moved round to where Shanna was sitting, rubbing a hand across the back of her shoulders as though it was in preparation of something, but Shanna abruptly pushed her hand away.
“Sarah and I have been seeing each other. For a little while. A few months maybe, I lost track of time.”
Shanna’s jaw dropped. Scott should have felt something but after glancing at his mother stood in front of him on the other side of the table, and recognising the same look in her eyes, he stayed quiet. He saw Sarah close her eyes and figured someone should try and comfort her, too, but it was hard to know where to stand.
Shanna found some strength to open her mouth a few times but no sound came out, until… “What?”
“You don’t need to worry, though. It’s over now.” He placed his bottle of beer on the table and leaned back. He placed his fingers on the edge, running them up and down the smooth, varnished wood. “She ended it by the way. Because she knew you wouldn’t be happy.”
Shanna’s mouth hung open, dry. “Is that true?” She turned to Sarah. “Were you with him?”
“I just said so, didn’t I?”
“I wasn’t asking you!”
Chris wasn’t sure what he was hoping for in that moment. He looked at Sarah and felt sadness. Sadness at the pain evidently coursing through her body in that moment. She looked small and deflated somehow. He felt astonishingly sober, more’s the pity. He wished he could go to her and hold her but he knew it was the last thing she wanted. Probably what anyone would have wanted. It wouldn’t have helped matters and he wasn’t sure anything he could say now would do that job either.
Sarah took in an audible breath and looked at her friend. She blinked back the few tears that had gathered but it only seemed to make things worse. “I’m…sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“I think I’ll just…” Michael pointed to the door and left the table as quickly as he could manage, no doubt to fill Carly in.
“Oh my God.” Shanna replied. She put her face in her hands and didn’t move. “I don’t believe this.”
Sarah looked beyond Shanna to Lisa who offered her a surprisingly reassuring smile that she was definitely not expecting. Did she feel grateful for it? She had zero clue. “I’m so sorry.”
“We don’t have anything to be sorry for, Sarah.” It was the gentlest tone Chris had spoken in all night. “Shan, I know it’s a lot to take in right now but you should know that this wasn’t just some fling or something utterly stupid. There’s a real thing here.” He looked to Sarah for reassurance. “Right?”
Sarah couldn’t look him in the eye.
“OK, I know I haven’t handled this in the best way-”
“-That’s an understatement.” Scott finally found his voice.
“-I accept that and for that, I am really sorry, I promise you. But you have to see things from my perspective here.”
“Chris, I don’t think that’s what needs to be said right now, OK? Your sister is very upset and I think you should maybe head home to sleep this off. Scott, can you...?”
Scott nodded in agreement and left the room to grab both their jackets.
“Mom, this isn’t-”
“-I know.” She held her hand up to stop him. The less he said now, the better. At least until a few hours had been put between them. Chris, resigned, agreed.
He looked at Sarah again hoping for something, anything, that might make him think things were going to be alright. Lisa noticed the plea in his eyes, practically begging her to look at him.
“Sarah, sweetheart, you both can stay here tonight. I think we should probably be together for a bit, yeh?”
Sarah was flummoxed by the offer but grateful at the same time. She knew Shanna wouldn’t say anything to her if they just went home again, if she would even come back to their apartment at all. She’d shut her bedroom door and not emerge for some time and that would have driven her mad. She wanted to get out of there as fast as she could but…this was perhaps better. Safer.
Notes: I hope this reads OK and that you enjoy it. My ability to check spellings and grammar has waned slightly so do let me know if there’s some glaringly obvious issues with syntax.
Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue
Chapter Nineteen
Chris reluctantly left the house after Scott had gathered their things. Scott had a quiet word with his mother just outside the front door but it wasn’t fully closed so Chris had heard most of what sounded like Scott denying he knew anything had been going on. The words “Godforsaken” and “mess” also made brief appearances. A few swearwords here and there from his own mother no less, someone who would go to church every day for a year if she even deigned to use the extremely bad language in front of her children.
He felt like a scolded child standing there in the hallway, coat hanging limply from one hand, blatantly and frustratingly sober. Not that being drunk would have made any of this any better. He felt like a child that had to be collected from school after getting into a fight with a teammate. Oh, the disappointed looks he had seen whilst growing up. Sitting in the backseat of the car, blocking out the noise as his Dad tried to keep his eyes on the road ahead while lecturing Chris that one day he would have to grow up.
He wished he could go back there. That was far easier by comparison. Performing open-heart surgery was far easier by comparison. Probably, he figured.
He glanced towards the dining room. The door was shut but he knew she was mere feet away from him. He couldn’t hear anything. Didn’t know if anything was being said or if anyone was crying or if someone was hugging someone else but he figured not. You could expect to hear Shanna’s voice from anywhere in the house so the quiet he was listening to now was a huge giveaway. It was also alarming that Shanna was as quiet as she was. He had left them both sat at the table. Just…paused.
He reached his own home an hour or so later. Scott had insisted on coming with Chris even though he had asked the driver to divert via Scott’s road, about fifteen minutes out of the way. They’d sat in the backseat in silence, Scott comfortable, almost smug, in the knowledge that Chris wasn’t about to say anything incriminating lest the driver be listening in on their conversation and it end up online in the morning. So, after what felt like an eternity had passed by, Chris grudgingly asked the driver to carry on to his own address.
He stared out of the window the entire ride home. He barely moved. Every few minutes Scott would subtly lean in just to check he was still breathing. Chris shoved a couple of hundred-dollar bills at the driver and told him to keep it - probably the only worthwhile thing he had done that week, he thought. Scott trailed behind him as they ascended the wide, concrete stairwell, the only light coming from the security light glowing above Chris’ front door.
“Just…don’t say a fuckin’ word, OK?” Chris pressed his brother, reaching inside the fridge for the last beer he knew was hiding in the back.
Scott rested his hands on his hips as he watched his brother flip the lid off his beer and launch it at the wall tiles above the sink. Chris took a long swig before slamming the bottle down on the counter and leaned on his arms.
“I’m not gonna lecture you, man.” Scott flopped down on the sofa nearest to him. “I promise. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you did anything wrong per se but you know as well as I do that you did not handle that well tonight, pal. No way did Shanna deserve that. None of us deserved to hear it like that.”
Chris tilted his head ever so slightly in Scott’s direction but he remained stoically quiet.
“Maybe give it a day or two and try to speak to her.” Scott continued, as though he was reading his mind. And because he was adept at reading his brother’s mind… “I’m talking about Sarah by the way. I don’t know what Shanna will say or do. This weekend sure is gonna be fuuun.”
Chris looked through the window in front of him, the black night allowing him to catch a clear reflection of his brother picking at the corners of a cushion where he was sat. If he focussed on that long enough, he’d start to feel regret and he couldn’t face that right now.
“Sarah didn’t even look at me.” He finally spoke, softly and with resignation in his tone. “I thought she might say something but…guess I was wrong.”
“Her and Shan are tight.” Scott started. “You don’t need me to tell you that. And that’s not to say that you don’t mean anything to her because obviously you do but just that they have been friends for years now. A fling isn’t gonna get in the way of that.”
“It wasn’t a fling.”
“OK, but in the grand scheme of things, of time, it was. A few weeks is nothing to nearly a third of a life. They live together, they’re in each other’s pockets 24/7. They know everything about each other. They share the same clothes even.” Scott was hit with a realisation. “They’re family.”
“I’ve known Sarah just as long.” Chris objected.
“Right, but I don’t think that’s entirely comparable, though, is it?” Scott was treading carefully. “I mean, we have all known Sarah a long time. But that’s because of Shanna. They’re kind of a package thing.”
Chris ground his teeth together as he considered the point. Even from this distance and in the reflection of the glass, Scott could see his jaw clench ever so slightly.
He watched Chris finish what was left of his beer before finally turning around and leaning back against the counter. Building up the courage to continue probing him for answers, Scott repositioned himself on the sofa. “So, Sarah ended it?”
Chris nodded slowly. “Yeh. A couple of times.”
“’Cos of Shanna?”
“Pretty much. Said she was feeling guilty and confused about things. That it was wrong of us to let things get that far.”
“How did you guys…? I mean, when did you…?”
“My birthday.”
Vague memories started fighting for attention in Scott’s mind. He loosely recalled Chris being a little off but a hazy mix of noise, a phone argument with Zach, and copious amounts of alcohol kind of killed his full recollection of that night, at least beyond the separate moments now appearing in his head.
“But you didn’t leave the party, did you?”
Chris nodded slowly. He could see Scott trying to piece things together like he was solving a puzzle and was feeling somewhat relieved at getting to talk openly about what had happened. He still didn’t feel willing to give up much beyond what was necessary but he couldn’t deny he was beginning to feel a little lighter. He wasn’t sure if Sarah would appreciate things being made so public but then again, that boat had long since sailed.
“Sarah never showed, though, did she? I know Shanna tried to call her a couple of times, before she crashed and burned. So, you went to their apartment? Did she call you or something?”
“No.” Chris shook his head. “I was wound up about a couple of things that night and she said she was gonna come but she didn’t show and…I don’t know. I guess it was the last straw. I was just tired of a lot of things and needed to get out of there. You saw the place. It wasn’t home home.”
“And you slipped out when no one was looking?”
Chris nodded again. Much like Scott, memories came flooding back to him. Unhelpful memories. Memories of the hallway and of her in her black dress. Memories of the smell of her hair that he couldn’t forget for days afterwards.
“Look,” He ambled into the lounge where Scott was sat and perched on the end of the armchair. “We tried to ignore it. Believe me, she was pretty sure it wasn’t something we should be doing again. But-”
“-But you didn’t wanna end it?”
He shook his head equally as slowly before biting the inside of his cheek. His eyes had glazed over slightly and Scott didn’t know if that was because of the beer or because he was reliving sad memories he’d rather forget.
“Are you guys…? Do you have feelings for each other?”
“I don’t know if ‘feelings’ is the right word.” Chris felt his shoulders slump a little. “I think we’ve gone a little beyond that but I’m not exactly sure what that is. We never really talked about it.”
Scott knew all too well what Chris could be like when he was pining for someone. He’d witnessed pretty much every romantic cliché while they were growing up; girls he liked that didn’t like him back; girls that liked him back that he ended up growing bored of; girls his friends tried to set him up with just as his career was taking off. He seemed to develop a bit of a thicker skin when he reached L.A. soon afterwards. It was almost like he was protecting himself or guarding himself from the fake-ness he’d heard about. Matt had been quite instrumental in that regard. The recent issues with Jenny told Scott that perhaps there were a few skeletons in his closet people remained unaware of.
Still, being in the presence of him as he was right now was, dare he say it, kind of sweet. Clearly, he hadn’t cut himself off completely from love. The maudlin quality he was exhibiting was almost a relief were it not for him looking as drained as he did. Chris didn’t feel things lightly. There was clearly something serious going on with him. Maybe with them both. He wondered what Sarah was currently doing and briefly contemplated sending her a message to check-in, make sure she was OK. Then, all of a sudden, and he didn’t exactly know where this had come from, a realisation hit.
“Do you think that, whatever it was between you, was because in some small part it felt a little bit…wrong?”
Chris looked at him, his brow furrowing as he tried to work out Scott’s angle. “What?”
“Because it was, y’know, a risk getting involved with each other. Do you think that was the initial attraction?”
“No!” Chris caught the scepticism in Scott’s face from even this distance. “It wasn’t, OK? That’s ridiculous. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“I’m just asking. I’m just trying to understand is all. I want to help.”
“Then listen to what I am saying.”
“But you’re not saying anything. That’s why I am having to ask these ridiculous questions.” Scott realised he was close to shouting and that was likely to shut his brother off in self-defence.
Chris knew his brother was right but didn’t want to admit it to his face just yet. “Why would the risk be an attraction?”
Scott considered biting his tongue and playing dumb but he felt like it needed to be explicitly asked and then it was over and done with. Out in the open. “Just that this isn’t the first time you’ve enjoyed something you know you shouldn’t. Sort of. I mean, look at Jenny. And that sound designer from New York, from that play you did. She had a boyfriend and a mortgage and, like, five cats and look what happened there. You have to admit, you have some form here.”
Chris’ face was registering blank and Scott wasn’t sure if he was about to have a knife thrown at his head. Might as well carry on, then. “Sometimes, it can seem like you actively look for the challenge, for the rush of being caught out doing something not Captain America-y.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Is it, though? Can you say whole-heartedly that this thing with Sarah wasn’t about a rush of doing something you knew deep down wasn’t the best idea?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Because…”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s-” Chris paused again, unsure of how to unscramble the words and the memories now running through his mind. Thoughts of them together here, the elation he felt when she replied to a text message and when she tried to flirt with him, badly. How cute she looked in her scrubs. He remembered making her laugh so hard in the hotel room in New York that she snorted juice through her nose and slammed the bathroom door shut so he couldn’t see how “gross” she looked. “-it’s different. This is different now. It just is. I’m not asking you to understand this, I just need you to be on my side for a bit. At least until things calm down and we can figure it all out.”
“We as in…?” Scott pursed his lips. “I hate to be the one to break it to you but I think you might have to wait some time for that. Sarah’s gonna be fully focussed on Shanna, her best friend, and you’re just gonna have to deal with being second best.”
“She’ll talk to me, I’m sure.”
“I dunno, man…”
“Why? Why do you say that?” Chris asked almost accusing Scott of knowing more than he did, which was ironic.
“Well…has she messaged you?”
“No, obviously. ‘Cos it’s all…” He held his hands up in front of him before resigning them back down by his sides. “Then I guess I’ll just have to wait.”
*
Needless to say, Sarah didn’t stay the night in Lisa’s home either.
She waited until she was sure Chris had left before building up some courage to get up and run. It was cowardly, yes, but nothing about what had taken place this evening – or for the past couple of months – was anything but cowardly, so… why break the habit of a lifetime?
Shanna had already left the dining room. She looked and felt tired and needed a lie-down. Carly and Michael had escaped upstairs, too, most probably just to get out of the way. Sarah knew it would be futile to try and talk to Shanna now anyway. If she was in her position, she wouldn’t want to talk either. Too much alcohol, too much food, too much…distress. It would only be asking for more trouble at this point.
Lisa was tidying away some dishes when Sarah emerged behind her in the kitchen, ready to go.
“I have an Uber coming in a few minutes so I’ll get out of your hair.” She informed her. Lisa wiped her hands dry on the dish towel.
“How are you feeling, love?” She offered. Sarah could have burst into tears at the simple gesture.
“Um, well, not great.” She started, hearing her voice trembling slightly. “But that’s my own fault. For what it’s worth, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry to you and I know this is a mess and has probably ruined your whole birthday now.”
Lisa smiled at her, somewhat sympathetically. “Don’t worry about that. I only enjoy it because it feels like one of only a few times in a year that we are all together and focussed on something fun.”
“You didn’t deserve this, Lisa.”
“That’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s the fault of that boy.” She sounded like she was making a jovial comment to lighten the mood but it only served to make Sarah feel worse. Even after everything, Lisa was still trying to make sure she was feeling OK. After everything she had done. “He’s frustrating. He has always suffered from having too much energy, too many thoughts running around his mind at the same time. You tell him one thing and he wants to do something else.”
That sounded familiar.
“You know, when he was a child, I thought he had ADD?” Lisa looked to the ceiling to try and remember. “They did a test in school but it didn’t turn into anything. I often think it’s why I’m so glad he does what he does. It’s probably a good outlet for him. Helps him work through that energy and anxiety. But I’m sure you know this already. You know what he can be like.”
Lisa regarded Sarah for a second. Sarah’s eyes were still wet from crying a little. That, and tiredness.
“You know, I had a feeling something wasn’t…normal. He seemed different lately. A little calmer, I think? More still.” Lisa started. “A few weeks ago, he asked me about flowers. He’s never bought flowers for people before except if he was apologising for something but these weren’t those kinds of flowers. He said he wanted something bright and colourful. I was kinda taken aback to be honest.”
Sarah looked confused. Had Chris told her something?
“Then I saw you got flowers. Bright, colourful, summery flowers…” She smiled at the memory. “I shoulda known then, I guess.”
“Lisa, I-”
“-Oh no, don’t worry, my darling. I just couldn’t quite fit the pieces together at the time.” She smiled again, tilting her head to one side. “And you know he’s never been one for oversharing the intricacies of his relationships at the best of times. That ship sailed a long time ago for me.”
Sarah nodded, looking down at her fingers poking out from the coat cuffs.
“But he always makes an effort when it counts.” She encouraged Sarah to look at her again. “He has his ways of letting people know he cares. You should remember that, honey.”
Sarah considered her words for a moment. She heard a door close upstairs, snapping her out of the relative peace they were now in.
“What should I do about…Shan?”
“Leave her for a while. Leave her to me.” Lisa spoke with kindness, some kind of confidence. Sarah was less sure but she knew she couldn’t face her right now. Shanna wouldn’t want to do anything now. It was mutually beneficial.
*
She made it home without crying in the back of the cab.
She shut the front door and let out the longest breath she could manage, one she’d been holding in for some time it felt like. There was just a numbness now. A feeling like it wasn’t altogether real, like she could wake up at any minute and find out it was that morning all over again and she’d have to hurry Shanna out of the bathroom.
The flat was eerily quiet, itself unaware of the drama. She moved to close the curtains in the living room to block out the street lights. There was a headache looming she wasn’t in the mood for. She sat on the end of the sofa and rested her head in her hands.
Somewhere in her coat, her phone buzzed. Gingerly taking the phone from her pocket, she was relieved when she saw it was Audrey messaging her about some paperwork she’d cleared up for the both of them. Hope you’re having a lovely break! xx, Audrey ended the message with.
Sarah 10.15pm: All good, thanks hun x
A blatant lie but what else could she do in the circumstances?
She turned to lie down on the sofa and stared at the wall ahead of her.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep until the light starting coming through the curtains. Noticing the clock flash on the TV screen told her she’d been out for six hours more or less. Useless sleep, though. Not the refreshing kind. The headache was back with a vengeance so she shuffled into the bathroom in an effort to find something to take the edge off.
No messages appeared on her phone yet. She was both thankful and surprised and then upset when she realised Shanna hadn’t attempted to communicate during the night. She wasn’t realistically expecting anything but it would have been a positive sign. Right now, she’d take anything she could get her hands on even if it wasn’t pleasant.
The sound of the doorbell ringing abruptly stung the backs of her eyes. She downed the water in the glass and listened to it ring again just as she shuffled towards their front door.
A third time ringing just as she reached for the doorknob and was faced with a rather sheepish-looking Chris. He had two large coffee cups in one hand and what looked like some kind of pastry box in the other.
For some insane reason, she was suddenly aware of the state she probably looked. She hadn’t removed the make-up from her eyes and her mascara wasn’t the best quality and was probably now working its way down her cheeks. Audrey would be rolling her eyes if she could see her now.
He half-smiled but didn’t say anything. He brushed past her and placed the box down on the kitchen counter. She felt like she could appreciate something sweet and sugary and looked inside only to find pretty much every pastry she could imagine. Giving him a puzzled look, he shrugged it off.
“I didn’t know which one you wanted so I got everything they had.”
Oh. Okay then.
“The coffee has a lot of sugar in it by the way. I figured you’d prefer it sweet.”
She nodded and turned back to choose something. The apricot glaze looked particularly appealing. She took a bite, taking about half of it in one go and froze as she saw him smirk at her. Yet again, the image of what she must look like appeared in her mind. Dishevelled, smudged, kind of ugly. He, in turn, looked pretty amazing. There was a tiny amount of gel in his hair but otherwise he’d kept it a little fluffy on top. His skin looked remarkably refreshed and he smelled like the shower she so desperately needed. She was also getting the full effect of his recent training schedule as he leaned casually against the doorframe, one leg bent at the knee to rest his foot on the wall behind him.
How?
How was that possible?
Why was he not looking as rough as she felt?
“You sleep any?” He finally asked, his voice a little croaky.
Sarah shook her head so slowly he could have missed it. She nervously wiped the pastry flakes from her fingers with one of the napkins she found at the bottom of the box.
“Yeh, me neither.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to call you but Scott hid my phone.”
He didn’t intend for that to be funny but she enjoyed the brief respite that image gave her nonetheless. And the foul language that probably left Chris’ mouth. Poor Scott. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t to be honest.”
She took a sip of the coffee and marvelled at how delicious it tasted. The heat entering her body was welcomed. Her headache was still there but the syrupy, sugary caffeine was very much appreciated. She could sense him looking at her intently. He couldn’t have expected any other response.
“I didn’t realise you’d left Mom’s.” It was almost a question but she didn’t respond. “I thought you would have stayed and spoke to Shanna or something.”
“I think I am the last person she wants to speak to right now.”
“Nah, I’m pretty sure that’s me.”
He hated how sad she looked. He hated that she looked so beat and gray and fragile. He was so used to seeing her with clear skin and a spark in her eyes, with some kind of energy bristling beneath the surface. He hated that he was most probably – no, definitely – the cause for this despondency.
He ambled to the table, dragging a chair out from underneath it and sitting down. He clasped his hands in front of him and leaned forward. He always seemed to have a habit of getting into her eyeline when she was so obviously trying to avoid looking at him and it annoyed her. Times when she was trying to hide her real thoughts and feelings.
“I don’t know what to say to you.” He finally spoke. “’cept that I’m just sorry. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I can’t say I am sorry for saying what I said but I know I am sorry about the way I said it, and for the pain it’s caused.”
“It’s a bit too late for that now.”
He looked down at where his hands connected. “I don’t really know what I was thinking. I saw how she was behaving and it just got to me. It annoyed me how she just kind of takes advantage of you and-”
Sarah shook her head defensively. “You’re making the wrong assumption.”
“I don’t think I am.” He shook his head back at her. “And if you ask the others, I think they’d agree with me.”
“You’re acting like this is all her fault and that’s not fair on her.” She pressed, the caffeine clearly kicking in a little more and making her feel like she was finally waking up, figuratively as well as physically. “She’s not gatekeeping me, Chris, and you really need to stop thinking that she is. You’re just putting the blame on her because you can’t seem to admit that we really shouldn’t have let things get as far as they did. It was stupid of us.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Is it?” She stared him out for a second.
He didn’t blink. “Yes.”
“You seem very sure of yourself.”
“Hmm. Irritating, isn’t it?” He tilted his head to the side, a smirk crossing his soft features. Sarah rolled her eyes at him and turned around to regard the pastries again. In for a penny and all that.
“Look, I understand how you’re feeling-”
“-No, you really don’t-”
“-I do because I know the same people and with all due respect I’ve known them a hell of a lot longer than you have.” He countered. “So, believe me, I get it.”
She fell quiet and took a bite from a star-shaped cronut-type thing before regretting her decision. Chris, noticing the look of disgust on her face, laughed.
“I was keeping that one for me. It’s got a custard cream in the middle.”
Sarah paused her chewing and gave him an apologetic look of sorts. She watched as he slowly got up from the table and stalked towards her, taking the cronut from her hand and taking a big bite. He rolled his eyes in pleasure at the sweetness. It was probably the first “nice” thing he’d been able to enjoy since his training began again.
“That’s another reason I know this is all bullshit.” He said, his mouth full and taking her in in what must have been the closest proximity they’d been in for a while.
“What is?”
“You’re nervous. I can feel it.”
“I’m not nervous. I’m…tired and my best friend hates my guts. This whole thing is a complete mess and I don’t appreciate your…” She waved her hand up and down, vaguely gesturing in his direction. “…jovial manner. It’s pissing me off so stop it. Everything’s different now and you can’t just magically make everything better.”
His face turned serious as he took in her slightly standoffish body language and harsh tone. She wasn’t one for letting her frustration get the best of her but the fact she had now should have told him something. She was trying her hardest to look anywhere but at him.
“Some things haven’t changed, Sarah.” He said, quietly, aiming for reassurance but landing somewhere nearer to pleading. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed. If anything, I think it’s made me more sure.”
“How do you figure that?” She folded her arms in a weak attempt at creating a barrier between them lest he realise he was getting to her.
“Because I’m here and not there.” He shrugged. “I could have panicked and gone to my Mom but I didn’t.”
They briefly looked at each other and he thought he could see some semblance of understanding in her eyes but she was certainly trying her hardest not to show it.
“I came here because I want to be here and I’m tired of hiding that fact.”
“I don’t think it’ll make things easier if they knew you were here. Does Scott even know you’re here?” She asked.
“No. Not that I know of. I just left.” He admitted it like it was no big deal. “Anyway, stop trying to change the subject. We need to figure this out, Sarah. You and me. We need to figure out where we go from here.”
“We don’t go anywhere, Chris. That’s the thing.” She finally got some words out. “I mean, you just…told her. Like it was nothing. Like you were surprised that she would be just a little bit upset about this.”
“I know…” It was all he could say. He was trying to think of something else to add, something reassuring, but his mind had gone blank and even though she had make-up smudged across her eyes, she looked prettier than he’d seen her before.
“I keep thinking the worst is over with now but I don’t think any of this will feel better.”
“Right now it might seem like that but it’ll be OK, I promise. It just takes some time and then we’ll figure it out. We’ll be OK.”
“No. Just stop promising things, Chris. You’re just making it harder. You can’t fix this. This whole thing is our mistake and no one else’s. It was only ever gonna end up one way and we were just delaying the inevitable.”
“Before what?”
She took another sip of the coffee. “What?”
“You said “the inevitable”. The inevitable before what?”
“I…” Her eyes moved around the room as she tried to think of a response. “It’s just a figure of speech. I guess I just meant that it wasn’t like this was gonna carry on forever.”
“Why not?”
“Because, it’s…What do you mean “why not”? What did you think was gonna happen?”
She was growing frustrated with his persistence and her inability to think of a rational answer because deep down, she knew what he was hinting at and it was exasperating how easily he managed to back her into a corner.
“Look,” she sighed, holding her hands up in front of her as though she was trying to calm him down. He didn’t seem in the least bit perturbed by what she saying. “It was a thing that happened and we shouldn’t have carried on the way that we did. We’re practically family and it would have made everyone around us feel awkward.”
“They would have learned to deal with it.”
“No, they wouldn’t. It would be weird and it would have changed the dynamic of us all and…it’d be like if Scott started dating Josh.”
“I don’t need that image, thanks.”
“Well, there you go.” Was this a win? She’d made a point. It should have felt like a win but she wasn’t sure. “There’s some lines you just don’t cross. We’ve known each other too long and if things didn’t work out, it would be shit for everyone especially me because it’s not like they’ll stop talking to you.”
He pondered what she had just said and watched her slide into the nearest chair. He watched her run her fingers over the smooth wood and finally realised the anxiety that had been building up for the last few months. All of the thoughts and worries she’d been hiding were slowly coming to the surface.
“It’s not all about Shanna, is it?” He quietly prodded. “It’s everyone else as well. You feel like you’ve got more to lose.”
“She’s my best friend. She’s the best one I’ve ever had.” She stated. She started picking at the corner of a fingernail as he looked across at her. “I know you can’t understand what it’s like and I can’t really explain it. And I’m sorry for that, I am, but…”
“I wanna know, Sarah. This affects me as well. I need to understand this.”
They looked at each other and he took the silent invitation to sit down beside her. He could have brushed his hand over her leg, he was sat so close, but one thing at a time.
“Talk to me.” He leaned in a little bit more. “Please.”
“She made a big deal out of getting to know me when we were in college. I was like this quiet, weird, introverted person that seemed aloof to most people but she made the effort. She’d picked me out and put me in the middle of things like she was showing me off or something. Like, she was proud to know me and…I liked that. That felt nice. Reassuring. I really liked how loud and alert she seemed to be all the time because I wasn’t like that. I didn’t have that kind of confidence. I guess it was the first time I felt OK with myself because she made the effort with me so I must be reasonably alright as a person, right? She picked me to be her friend because she wanted to get to know me.”
She looked down at her hands and blinked back a few tears. “It was probably the first time I felt wanted.”
“Your parents want you, Sarah.”
“They didn’t choose me, though. Not really.” She shook her head, sniffling a little more obviously now but she didn’t much care. “They wanted a child and they were given me.”
She was right; he wasn’t able to understand. Not completely. He’d never suffered from a lack of confidence in that regard. He knew his friends, he knew his family, and he always knew where he wanted to be. It wasn’t something he even had to ask himself.
But Sarah did, and Shanna must have felt like that, too. At one time. Scott was right; they were one and the same.
“I want you.” He offered, finally reaching a hand out to her only to feel sad that she didn’t flinch, didn’t give him some encouragement that he was having an effect on her. That it wasn’t all futile.
She looked into his eyes. She appreciated the sentiment more than she thought she would, sitting at odds in her kitchen, him with his half-puppy-dog expression slowly melting the ring of steel she’d tried to place around herself in the vain hope it might help her cope. If she wasn’t careful, this conversation could lead them both into trouble again and she guessed that was what he meant when he said he knew she was talking bullshit.
She moved away and he watched her pace a little before finally opting for the relative safety on the opposite side of the room, the furthest possible point away from him. He hated that he couldn’t get to her, that she wouldn’t allow him to at least try and make things a little better.
She ran her hands through her hair, resting them on the top of her head, pulling at the strands. He had never seen her like this.
“I mean it. I want you so badly, Sarah, it’s ridiculous. If you only knew…”
“It’s not gonna work.” She responded.
“You don’t think this is worth it?”
“I don’t think it’s enough.”
Something in his chest fell to his stomach. He swallowed and looked back down at his hands. This was probably what Scott had tried to warn him about. He should have at least tried to listen, tried to think of the worst outcome so he could have prepared himself. But nothing could have prepared him for whatever it was he was feeling now.
“I’m so sorry, Chris.” Sarah offered. “You’re so lovely, truly. The fact that you’re here now is, well, it means a lot to me. I hope you can understand that. I’m not saying it for the sake of it, I promise.”
Chris nodded, feeling tears sting his eyes again.
“But we need to think about her. We both need to make it right with her.”
Chris nodded again.
“I think your Mom said she was going to talk to Shanna, so…you should probably head that way.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m just gonna hang here for a little bit. I don’t particularly want to go back into work, I don’t think I could face the questions.” She chuckled awkwardly. “Plus, I think I wanna take a sleeping pill and knock myself out for a bit.”
“I don’t wanna go, Sarah.” He pleaded. “And I really don’t believe you want me to go either.”
“I know. I don’t what else I can do.”
For the first time, she knew she was definitely lying to him.
