#sarns.random.rant

[enigmaticwhispers]

I hate people who only know how to yell.  They just have to make everything a problem, even if a problem doesn't exist.  They'll look for reasons, no matter how stupid it sounds.  They can only butt heads with people.  And they can't even handle their own medicine.  If they get yelled back, it further antagonizes them.  Someone points out fallacy in their reasoning or logic, they yell more to hide embarrassment or humiliation. 

Disliiiiike.

[enigmaticwhispers]

Claiming that anyone is evil or bad based on the grounds that their opinions differ, think differently, don't agree with you, or practice another religion is not much of an argument to me.

What matters more to you, the religion or the message?

My opinion is that most major religions have the same message and guidelines on how to live a good life: be good to one another, help those in need, show compassion, love yourself and others, and many other good beliefs to live by.  I believe that is, at the most basic level, the core message of religion.

The only differences I see are the names, rituals and practices, forbidden and taboo beliefs, history and mythology, monotheism or polytheism, languages, and other things I frankly don't want to get into.

What irks me the most are people who twist the words of religion or use it for their own convenience upon others.  I find it hard to believe that God or whoever told you specifically that all these people should be oppressed and killed.  If you God or Jesus talks to you, then that's fine, but if any other type of spiritual being does the same, you're crazy.  That's just insane.  It just makes me so sad that some people can take something meant to be so meaningful and beautiful and muddy it up with their own selfish intentions.

I guess the second annoyance I have is the automatic belief that your religion is the correct one and all others are false or stupid.  The most exposure I have to this is Christianity and Catholicism being considered the correct ones and Islam the bad religion.  I suppose the biggest misunderstanding is not taking the time to understand the other as well and negative media attention given to it.  Like, somehow describing someone based on their religion is suppose to automatically give the stereotype.  I mean, if you don't get all fundamentalist and follow it word by word, Islamic teachings and practices aren't that much different from the Bible.  I was glad I had Muslim friends in high school, cause they were some of the nicest people I knew and they took care of me.  I didn't talk to them much but the level of camaraderieship was astounding.  They accepted me so readily and I felt like being a part of a group of friends during a time when I didn't feel a part of anything.

My parents practice Taoism and shamanism.  I'm familiar with it, but I really don't understand any of it, such as why or the meaning of some things.  That being said, for me, I don't practice a specific religion. I wouldn't say I am an Atheist neither cause I don't deny God nor condemn religion.  I used to call myself moderate, but that doesn't describe anything at and more related to politics.  I'm not sure if there's a way to define it.  Maybe Agnostic is the closest...but I still don't prefer that term. 

I would call myself spiritual.  Not hippie spiritual or anything like that crystal ball the spirits are talking to me shit, though.  Please, no.  I follow what I consider the intrinsic.  Things to live by.  Things that will help guide my life.  You know, be good to other people and whatnot I described in the beginning.  It's what makes the most sense to me.  All the other stuff that causes controversy, drama, and constant bickering makes no sense to me.  I'm not saying traditions are bad, but some just don't make sense.  I just don't feel that it's relevant in today's world. 

I have my own sense of good and justice, morals and ethics.  I won't do harm to others, but I'm not going to take any shit.  If you harm me, I'll fight back.  It's dumb to take it lying down.

[enigmaticwhispers]

Everyone is the main character and the supporting character because you can't do it all on your own and it's not all about you.

[enigmaticwhispers]

I don't know why people my age cringe when they hear I have life insurance, gotta prepare a will, for I am preparing for the eventuality that I might die.  But, it's not really me viewing life in a grim way.  I just feel that I have an occupational hazard and if anything were to happen to me, I have my affairs in order.  I think it's bad to leave without getting that stuff sorted out and arranged beforehand.  We think we have enough time and nothing can possibly happen to us, so at this age, we don't think about that stuff and figure we'll get that started when we're older.

I'm not saying I'm more mature, but recently, these are the things I have to think about.  Large scale, long term planning.  Some people brush it off when I mention it or think I'm crazy for planning this so early in my life.  Our life here is so separated from any stressful or violent circumstances, so peaceful, so idyllic.  If not idyllic, then there's the status of remaining ignorant, distracted by entertainment and gossip, what the new thing to buy and what's on sale.  We read about the plight of others, view pictures on the internet and express the outrage, then do nothing further and go about our life, distanced from where that situation is occurring.  And we believe ourselves to be good people because we feel bad about the wrongs in the world.

I used to believe the phrase "live your day as if it was your last."  That's a stupid phrase.  I think my amendation would be "live your life with meaning, whether for yourself or for others."  You can live every day as your last nor every day with meaning because there are always mundane days.  And you can't live your life without the support from others.  So some days will have meaning, whether you find it or create it.  Personally, I like to create the meaning.

I feel that who I am right now and where I am in life, is leading to what I've been aspiring to become.  It sort of just happened through the process.  There's still more to work on.  But I'm becoming better at expressing myself to others.  I'm not as reluctant nor afraid to tell people how I feel or what I think about them.  Well, there are some things to consider, but for the most part, I let people know that they mean something to me, that through their existence in my life, they've had an mostly positive impact.  Also, I'm working on complimenting people, whether it be random or based on something to compliment on.  It's fun because people become so embarrassed by it.  I guess it's something out of practice and people don't know how to react to a compliment. 

Why am I saying this?  It also falls under my preparations if I might die.  Why hold back on kindness, compassion, and love?  If we keep holding back and hiding it, then there will be more rudeness, selfish behaviors, and hate.  You can't be all nice either.  Because there are jerks and people will walk over you.  There's a difference.  I can be respectful and have respect, but I can also say you're a scumbag and you're ruining every body else's time with your behavior.  To not say anything to someone like that isn't being nice.  If we can't even stand up to a rude person, how can we stand up for the things that matter in our lives?  What do you value, and are you willing to protect your values?  Are you willing to stand up for and defend what you believe in when someone is shitting all over it in front of you?  You might get hurt.  The backlash might be bad.  But you did what you thought was right.  You protected your treasure.

At the moment, I don't have the luxury of thinking "there will be time later" because I don't know when later might be.  I'm not sure when the "time for later" will come either.  I appreciate those who have made the time for me during my short visit home.  I can't plan last minute, "spontaneously".  I envy my friends who are able to live near each other and have lunch, have dinner, plan trips, go to events, and spend that every day life with each other.  They look so happy together.  They can hear each others' voices, see them, hug them, and laugh with them.  I want those memories.  Sometimes I feel that I am just a distant voice.  Some people require proximity to remain friends.  I can't be around anyone.  So when I ask about what's going on with your life, I dislike answers of "same old stuff" or it's "just okay."  It tells me nothing.  I know people can be busy, but you just can't use "being busy" as an excuse all the time.  Shit, I'm busy myself.  And I take into account time zone differences.  If you can't even take that into account for me, then maybe I should reconsider my relationships with people.  Do people not pay attention to their own lives enough to be able to summarize their life from the other person's point of view?  You have to consider that last time you spoke to that person and the quality of details they have about your life.  Or maybe I just think about these things too much?

If I died right now, I wouldn't want people's last conversation with me as being "same old stuff" and "just okay."  Just saying.

[enigmaticwhispers]

blame.

It's really difficult to find reliable people.  And some people are more reliable to others than to you.  That's just their version of putting priority over others.  And we want to rely on others or have they rely on us.  But, the bad thing is we meet many more unreliable people that we begin to distrust the reliability of people.

Reliability usually involves some sort of promise or favor.  We're going to dinner at 8, I'll pick you up at 7:30.  That means getting ready beforehand with enough time to drive to the person's residence, then time to drive to the restaurant.  Oftentimes, we get people who instead leave at 8 or get to you after 8, thereby making dinner a 9 o' clock deal instead of the 8 that was promised.

We begin to accept such reliability and inevitability as norms, calling it (well, in my case) Asian time.  But I really call it laziness and people's inability to plan in advance.  Also, it's called traffic and things happening last minute you can't control.  But, for the most part I call it laziness.  What you call it depends on the circumstances

A person who is always late or doesn't show up, we can't trust them anymore.  They are unreliable.  People who make good on their promises are people we trust more.  With time, we begin to distinguish amongst the crowd who is who. 

However, there is a...flaw in the way people think.  See, a person who is viewed as reliable are held at a higher expectation.  For them to one day not make completely good on a promise due to unforeseen circumstances, invites the judgment and disappointment of the person.  And this is the type of thinking I really dislike about people.  You do everything you can to make good on your word, and you make one mistake, as a human, and suddenly you aren't reliable or can't be trusted anymore.

Out of allllllllllllllllllllllllllll you've proven and done, it's just one mistake that one time and poof, all gone in their eyes.  Fucking ridiculous.  If it's a pet peeve, this is one of them.  And you know what?  Someone makes that kind of mistake and apologizes for being late, you forgive them.  Your trust is violated?  There are far more harsher ways for trust to be violated.  Let. It. Go.  This all or nothing type of thinking is just sickening. 

So if I've almost always make good on my word, and I slip up one time or a view times, my track record speaks for itself.  Get disappointed in me.  Fine.  But, don't try to make me feel guilty about it.  If it's laying on guilt and blame, I can make the case of all your unreliability to make you feel bad.  But, I won't.  Not because I'm trying to be the better or bigger person.  I just won't be about that, saving material to be used against you during the next argument.  Handle your stuff right then and there.  Saving it for a rainy day to be used against your significant other or friends or whoever?  That's just stupid.

Oh yeah?!  Remember that one time you did that one thing?!  I never mentioned it and it happened six months ago, and you probably forgotten, but I remembered just for something like this.  I'm going to bring it up because it bothered me then, and now I'm going to use it as proof that you're in the wrong and I'm right, and all I care about is being right rather than being fair.  I'm upset and I don't care what you have to say, or if it's reasonable and logical and makes more sense than my viewpoints.  I have to be right because right is right, and being right is better than being wrong. 

People can't stand admitting wrongdoing.  They are incapable.  People don't want to admit their flaws or mistakes or weaknesses.  If we're not right, we hide it, bury it, become embarrassed, don't mention it or we shout enough to make ourselves sound in the right.  We're too prideful, and that's a problem.  Because it means that even if we're wrong, we think we're right or we defend our position despite knowing we're wrong.  To admit defeat is to admit that we were wrong.  And we can't ever be wrong.  So we fight back and attack back.  We think it's a game with winners and losers, so we have to be a winner because who wants to be a loser?  But you can't win.  To win, you have to hurt another person.  Bring them down.  Make them feel less of themselves.  And all because we don't want to feel embarrassed.

[enigmaticwhispers]

time.

It's a bit frustrating and annoying now that people are requesting hang outs with me.  I guess it didn't actually hit them that I was leaving.  I considered the last ten months I've been in DEP as me leaving.  For me, I knew I had that time as my grace period.  It was borrowed time.  And I couldn't afford to be as carefree as everyone else.  I couldn't take that time given to me for granted.

Because, during my time I see other enlistees leave within a few months: four, two...some even left after just one month.  That's not nearly enough time to see everyone off.  But, I had ten months.  Ten!  And while it seems like all the time in the world, I couldn't afford to think that way.

I asked people.  I tried to set up plans.  I informed periodically of when I was leaving and that I was going to leave soon.  And while I couldn't get to everyone, I was able to see or talk to as many people as I wanted to.  I understand that we're all busy, we have our own lives and problems and circumstances.  But, I really tried to make time for people with the time afforded to me.  Even when I was busy, I looked at my free hours and asked.  I made a note of people who responded back to me, people who were receptive of my random greetings, people who were busy but then got back to me to work out a mutual time.

For some people, I knew you weren't as busy.  I know because I asked and questioned.  I concluded that they were just lazy.  I asked multiple times throughout the months and still they were lazy.  And now, with less than a week left for me (and even less than that I have available as free time), they ask me to hang out.  In those ten months of me asking, they ask me during my critical last week.

I'm sorry, but I just don't have time.  I'll make time if I could, but I cannot.  I've given you all the time I could, but you didn't accept it.  The best way to reach me: call or text me directly.  But they didn't.  They liked the idea, but didn't follow through with any plans.  I take that as them not really wanting to hang out with me.  They didn't want it enough.  I learned to endure no's from people.  And people never tried passed a lousy Facebook comment.  Then, I had to say no to people.  It frustrates and annoys me because I dislike having to refuse people.

I've...always been there, or try to be there, for people.  Patiently for them.  Trying hard for them.  But, I'm never feeling fulfilled.  Because they take for granted my time for them.  My willingness to make time for them.  Even when I'm busy, I make time for them.

I don't try to live every day as if it were my last.  But for most days, as much as I could, I try to live the day so that, if it were my last, it wouldn't be a wasted day.

Some believe that if you say "I love you" too much, it diminishes the meaning.  Or, it's the line you say before you die.  If you say it to a friend and they're not a close friend, or your girlfriend/boyfriend, or family member, then they look at you like you're creepy or crazy.  But, what if you suddenly died tomorrow or an hour from now, and you never said it?  Were you waiting for the right moment?  I'll say it right now, there's never a right moment.  Only some moments more socially acceptable than others. 

You can never know what will happen.  I'd rather say it and be ridiculed or looked at weird, than to never get to say it, ever, and regret it all my life.  Because if I were to die suddenly, they'd know what I thought about them.  There will be no doubt about it.  Some people are uncomfortable with such gestures of affection.  I never grew up with it, so to try to make it applicable is as foreign to me as it is to the people receiving it.  And yet, this is the conclusion I've come up with regarding my own mortality. 

I think this relates to why I try my hardest to make time for people.  It's my view about life.  I don't want to make excuses or regrets. 

I've told a few people that I might now come back.  There's a good chance I might come back home, but...I also might not come back home.  People don't ever consider that possibility.  I've been preparing for many different scenarios.  Don't get me wrong, I grew up in California and I am so accustomed to the type of life in the valley, and home will always have a special place in my heart.  But, there's also the possibility that I won't come back.  I might find something else out there.  And I assume and predict that people will have even less time.  I consider our age range as having the most time available.  Early to mid-20s, just about to start our careers, not married yet, no kids yet.  This is the most time we'll ever have, and still people don't have time?  I can only imagine how much lesser time people will have as we creep to our late-20s, early 30s. 

Just, don't make those excuses.  Don't give me bullshit.  If you've had a hard day and just don't want to go out and want to relax instead, just tell me.  I can respect that.  Don't say "I'm busy" or "I don't have time" and that's it.  I don't respect that lazy excuse.  You know what that says to me?  You don't mean that much to me to deserve an actual explanation.

You have a dinner that evening, so naturally your entire day is unavailable because you want to sleep in.  The afternoon is bad because you've just woken up and need to mentally prepare for eating at night.  What is this bullshit?  Get your act together. 

Check this out.  I woke up at 8am.  I exercise for an hour.  I get ready in half an hour.  I drive half an hour to the next city to meet up for brunch.  We eat and talk for two hours.  I have lunch with someone else one hour from now.  The interval time is used for driving the guest home and driving to the next location.  Lunch and chat for about three hours.  I take into account traffic at this time and arrive home before 4pm.  Two hours are reserved for chores and one hour reserved for evening exercise.  I get a last minute invite to dinner.  I double time with chores and exercise.  We end up at the same dinner.

You know what?  You do yours.  I do mine.  I have time, but it's reserved for other things.

[enigmaticwhispers]

I feel that as people get older, they don't get wiser.  They get more narrow-minded, sticking to the values and ways of thinking they have come to believe to be right and true throughout the years because no one wants to admit they are wrong.  They will stick to their points to the bitter end, even as it devolves into a ridiculous mess of incoherent and fickle reasoning.  So people pick sides, argue their points, but never consider listening or reevaluate their views.  They will even deny having an erroneous thought by performing mental gymnastics, maneuvering and retroactively redacting their previous statements because "just kidding" is how you handle saying or thinking something foolish.

What's so wrong about changing your mind in light of new information and evidence?  It isn't a sign of being wishy washy.  In science, they're always testing and retesting theories and constantly researching.  One day they have one result, the next day it's a different one.  They're progressing our overall information, advancing human knowledge.  It's a definite problem sign when the public gets angry about scientific studies reaching one conclusion to be implemented, only to reach a different and updated conclusion several years later with new research results.  The status quo cannot accept nor adapt to this fast pace and fast change concerning scientific progress.  They view it as inconvenient and wishy washy.  The public just can't change their minds.

I sort of entertained the idea that it's necessary for the narrow-minded older generation to die already and make way for our new ways of thinking about people and policies.  The older generation are still thinking in the era of WWII, Vietnam, the Cold War, segregated public facilities, minorities being the cause of all the problems, women have no rights, gay relationships are taboo, "mixed-race" relationships are an abomination (even though the only race is the human race), and all the other shit that are today's current controversies and drama.  Like seriously, die already and make room for our way of thinking about equality.  And if not die, get into fucking retirement and spend your days in a retirement home or something and let us handle some shit cause you obviously aren't listening and your outdated views are causing a bunch of problems rather than solutions.

[enigmaticwhispers]

I'm at the point in life where I'm trying not to give a shit.  But, this is different from what people usually mean when they say they give zero fucks.  Usually, it's because they are tired and fed up with certain situations or circumstances or relationship/drama problems with other people or life in general, and simply want to escape from those frustrations and hurt feelings by pretending not to and turning a blind eye to caring about other people and themselves.  Their ultimate solution is not to care.  But, that rarely ever works.  It makes you even more miserable because you simply can't turn off your values system like that.  You'll become conflicted inside as you resist your tendency to care for others by telling yourself not to, thereby avoiding the real issues.  It's just another form of running away from your problems and never confronting and getting over them.  To give zero fucks, though sounds like the answer, is just a juvenile method of shutting out the world and giving the silent treatment because the world was unfair to you.  Here's a not so secret: the world is unfair to everyone.  Some have more unfairness than others.  Nothing you can do can change that.

So what can you do when you can't change the world?  Change yourself?  Close, but not quite.  The way I deal with it is change how I think about the problems and how I approach it.  This requires a lot of self reflection upon your past actions and inactions, and recognizing areas where you need improvement.  See, a lot of people believe they are fine the way they are, even with all their shortcomings.  "I'm hurt, I'm fed up with people, I'm going to shut myself out because I can only trust myself.  Caring for others only leads to hurting myself."  That's basically what you're saying with you don't want to give a fuck anymore.

When I said I don't give a fuck as much, I meant I don't want to give in to the fear anymore.  We care, we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to people we believe we can trust because we truly can't live without others.  And when they don't meet our expectations or if they do something to compromise that trust we gave, we use that as the basis for our future relationships.  We learn.  We learn to put up walls, defenses to prevent future hurt.  Because of those past failings, we fear being vulnerable again.  It may seem like we're strong, but the walls only hide the you behind.  You're still that person who wants to trust and care and love again, but you're afraid.  You're afraid to trust again.  But, if you keep to that mindset, you're not growing.  Sure, you feel safe, but you leave no room to grow, no room to learn further, no room to share yourself with others and no opportunity for others to get to know you.  You're still that same person, alone, hurt, and don't know what to do.

I know it's hard to see yourself in this way.  It's hard to look back at your past and view it through another perspective.  You remember it as how you were back then, an innocent child who just wanted to love and care about others and receive the same back.  But, you stepped on a turd on the path and you haven't washed it off your foot yet.  You walk around still carrying the shit with you.  You're embarrassed that other people will see you and think they smell you, so you hide.  You hide from others and the world.  But, it's not your fault.  The turd was there and you just happened to step on it.  Guess what?  I also have shit on the bottom of my feet.  I must have walked through a pasture where cows grazed and I stepped in so much shit.  We all have stepped in some shit before.  You can wash it off.  But then again, we've all experienced the same, so I don't really mind the shit you're carrying.  I can get used to the smell.  I know how you feel.  I don't really care about the shit on your feet.  So stop hiding because I want to get to know you.  If you can smile and laugh still with shit on your feet, I'm fine with that.  I don't care.  I don't give a shit.  Don't let shit turn you into shit, and you shit on the path so that others step on your shit.  (This is probably the oddest and best analogy I've written.  Ever.)

When I say I don't give a shit anymore, I mean that I won't let the fear, the embarrassment, the past prevent me from improving myself.  I won't be afraid to love.  i won't be afraid to care.  I won't be afraid to make myself vulnerable and trust again, over and over and over.  I know people will hurt me, not trust me, be wary of me, but that's because I know they've stepped in some shit and they're letting that hold them back.  I can see that.  I understand that.  And I won't give a shit about it.  I want to strive to be stronger than the shit I carry.  I want to care without qualms.  I want to love without limits.  And, I know people won't understand.  They'll still be afraid and wary of me.  I'll understand so I will prepare myself to never quit.  I have to become stronger to bear the pain of their rejection of my love because I know what it's like to want to care, but be so cautious about people who approach with it.  I know people will reject me and my ways.  But I will build ladders.  I will carry hammers and chisels, and shovels.  I'll learn how to hot air balloon with a rope tied on the bottom.  I'll train an army of groundhogs to tunnel.  I will get over, through, under your walls.  I will stay with you as long as you need to, then we can go to the other side.

Think of it this way.  Imagine you want to renovate a house.  What do you do?  If you leave the house the way it is, it's never going to change.  If you just add paint and clean it up a bit, it's still the same house, just a different color on the outside and not as messy.  Looks a bit more presentable, but soon that paint will fade.  Add some furniture?  Still same crappy house but with nice stuff.  It hides some things, but you'll always feel self conscious that people will see the cracks and dirt, so you make sure no one takes a closer look.  No, you renovate the house by knocking down some walls.  Break it apart.  Tear it down.  You take down all the parts you want to replace, maybe even some parts that are fine but need a bit more support and improvement.  You add stronger beams, stronger walls, better interior content.  You take out what you don't need, you put in what you want.  You reach into the very foundation of the house, build it back up.  It may take you weeks, it may take you months, sometimes years, but your goal is to renovate that house so that you can be confident to live in it.  And when you finally have a new house, all you want to do is show your friends and family, it shines even brighter.  You have no fear or shame.  You built this house up yourself.  You added the improvements yourself.  The process, the pain, the struggle, the long days and nights working on this house.  The journey made you stronger and wiser.  This is how I envision rebuilding yourself.  People believe they can't start over and that they're stuck with whatever decisions lead them to their current life and situation.  That they're stuck with their crappy house.  If you think this way, you're never getting out of this house.  Renovate your home.  Make it a place where you feel safe, comfortable, and happy.  Invite people over, eat, laugh, and have fun.  You'll begin to see life in a whole new way.

And, you're always welcomed in my home.