It's a bit frustrating and annoying now that people are requesting hang outs with me. I guess it didn't actually hit them that I was leaving. I considered the last ten months I've been in DEP as me leaving. For me, I knew I had that time as my grace period. It was borrowed time. And I couldn't afford to be as carefree as everyone else. I couldn't take that time given to me for granted.
Because, during my time I see other enlistees leave within a few months: four, two...some even left after just one month. That's not nearly enough time to see everyone off. But, I had ten months. Ten! And while it seems like all the time in the world, I couldn't afford to think that way.
I asked people. I tried to set up plans. I informed periodically of when I was leaving and that I was going to leave soon. And while I couldn't get to everyone, I was able to see or talk to as many people as I wanted to. I understand that we're all busy, we have our own lives and problems and circumstances. But, I really tried to make time for people with the time afforded to me. Even when I was busy, I looked at my free hours and asked. I made a note of people who responded back to me, people who were receptive of my random greetings, people who were busy but then got back to me to work out a mutual time.
For some people, I knew you weren't as busy. I know because I asked and questioned. I concluded that they were just lazy. I asked multiple times throughout the months and still they were lazy. And now, with less than a week left for me (and even less than that I have available as free time), they ask me to hang out. In those ten months of me asking, they ask me during my critical last week.
I'm sorry, but I just don't have time. I'll make time if I could, but I cannot. I've given you all the time I could, but you didn't accept it. The best way to reach me: call or text me directly. But they didn't. They liked the idea, but didn't follow through with any plans. I take that as them not really wanting to hang out with me. They didn't want it enough. I learned to endure no's from people. And people never tried passed a lousy Facebook comment. Then, I had to say no to people. It frustrates and annoys me because I dislike having to refuse people.
I've...always been there, or try to be there, for people. Patiently for them. Trying hard for them. But, I'm never feeling fulfilled. Because they take for granted my time for them. My willingness to make time for them. Even when I'm busy, I make time for them.
I don't try to live every day as if it were my last. But for most days, as much as I could, I try to live the day so that, if it were my last, it wouldn't be a wasted day.
Some believe that if you say "I love you" too much, it diminishes the meaning. Or, it's the line you say before you die. If you say it to a friend and they're not a close friend, or your girlfriend/boyfriend, or family member, then they look at you like you're creepy or crazy. But, what if you suddenly died tomorrow or an hour from now, and you never said it? Were you waiting for the right moment? I'll say it right now, there's never a right moment. Only some moments more socially acceptable than others.
You can never know what will happen. I'd rather say it and be ridiculed or looked at weird, than to never get to say it, ever, and regret it all my life. Because if I were to die suddenly, they'd know what I thought about them. There will be no doubt about it. Some people are uncomfortable with such gestures of affection. I never grew up with it, so to try to make it applicable is as foreign to me as it is to the people receiving it. And yet, this is the conclusion I've come up with regarding my own mortality.
I think this relates to why I try my hardest to make time for people. It's my view about life. I don't want to make excuses or regrets.
I've told a few people that I might now come back. There's a good chance I might come back home, but...I also might not come back home. People don't ever consider that possibility. I've been preparing for many different scenarios. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in California and I am so accustomed to the type of life in the valley, and home will always have a special place in my heart. But, there's also the possibility that I won't come back. I might find something else out there. And I assume and predict that people will have even less time. I consider our age range as having the most time available. Early to mid-20s, just about to start our careers, not married yet, no kids yet. This is the most time we'll ever have, and still people don't have time? I can only imagine how much lesser time people will have as we creep to our late-20s, early 30s.
Just, don't make those excuses. Don't give me bullshit. If you've had a hard day and just don't want to go out and want to relax instead, just tell me. I can respect that. Don't say "I'm busy" or "I don't have time" and that's it. I don't respect that lazy excuse. You know what that says to me? You don't mean that much to me to deserve an actual explanation.
You have a dinner that evening, so naturally your entire day is unavailable because you want to sleep in. The afternoon is bad because you've just woken up and need to mentally prepare for eating at night. What is this bullshit? Get your act together.
Check this out. I woke up at 8am. I exercise for an hour. I get ready in half an hour. I drive half an hour to the next city to meet up for brunch. We eat and talk for two hours. I have lunch with someone else one hour from now. The interval time is used for driving the guest home and driving to the next location. Lunch and chat for about three hours. I take into account traffic at this time and arrive home before 4pm. Two hours are reserved for chores and one hour reserved for evening exercise. I get a last minute invite to dinner. I double time with chores and exercise. We end up at the same dinner.
You know what? You do yours. I do mine. I have time, but it's reserved for other things.