So, thank you for those who chose to read my little passage last night. I sound so exciting, right?
Today, I talk about my journey through the Babysitter. The person herself (M) was not a bad babysitter per say. My sister Angela used to be watched by her as well.
M had three children, adopted, but she loved them. W, C, and H. H kind of looked like little Anakin from Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. (Ug, lets not get me started on Jar Jar)
Three other kids were also babysat by M. D, C and T.
To say being teased and bullied is the least of it. I've always been teased. I still am by co workers and family.
But I think that's where it all started. And I don't talk about it too often.
M was depressed for a while. Her husband, D, was a total dick. Sometimes nice, but I was the one to get in trouble when the other kids would fuck up.
They lock me in the garage, my fault. Force me to smoke a cigarette at age 9, my fault.
People wonder why I'm so unsure of myself. Why I haven't had a boyfriend, why I haven't gone up to the cute guy and started talking to them.
I was never worth it to these kids. I was practically raised with them, and yet, it, it was horrible.
My childhood wasn't that bad, according to Angela. Janette doesn't know much, because like I've stated before, I don't talk about it.
I've been beat, forced into things I hate, used as a scapegoat, and emotionally scared for a long time.
I don't trust easily because an older kid touched me, and threatened me if I said something.
This is the first time I ever spoke about it again.
No, so many years later, I spoke with one of the kids who thinks they did nothing wrong. I was too much of a goodie two shoes to have fun.
My fault.
M passed away a few years ago. Drug overdose. I loved her. She was upset when my mother pulled me after finding me bruised.
M never knew, because I didn't tell her.
I'm not always shy, or quiet. But I was with her. I was a good kid, and all I was bullied and hurt for it.
I, I think I am done for now. This took a lot out of me today.
For the first time in years, I've remembered everything they did. And I needed too.
Because I'm not broken from it. I know I'm not perfect. I know I have major issues in trust, and with emotions.
But I needed to do this. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen today. It really, really means a lot.
