sat2day (something about time saturdays) #1 | confessuns (confession sundays) #5 | gamon (game on mondays) #32 ~ two months to live . .
. . we never really know that anything (or everything) is too late, until it is too late. we know (even if we deny it) that we don’t have all the time in the world, that it’s possible that we could be gone any day anytime. but we also assume (and deny anything otherwise) that it applies to us. we assume that we do have time, we expect we have time. and when life show us the time we really have, we cannot understand it, we refuse to accept it, we can’t have it. but the simple truth is life goes on and time runs out whether you choose to believe it or not. whatever time you have is all that you will ever have and nothing you say or do, believe or fight for can ever change that. we either accept it right now or learn it the hard way later. or maybe, we don’t even have later, all we have is right now and that’s (for me) right now.
so in light of this dark realization and with very little time remaining, i’ve made a shortlist of my originally long and unbelievably impossible to do bucket list. some are very specific (applicable for me) but some are general and vague (and possible applicable for you) so here i (we?) go ~
just clean my room ~ and not the clean the mess by making another mess somewhere else. i mean really really clean the room you can leave behind without looking back even if you knew it would be the last time you leave it. clean the shit out of my room with my pseudo-self-diagnosed oc-neat-freak tendencies;
give away my stuff ~ and not just what i don’t want to have or can spare to lose. i mean give anything and everything i won’t need and can’t use anymore, or even if i could but i know someone else could use much better and would need much more;
organize all my files ~ and not just store it in random temporary folders with names or arrangements that make no logical sense when viewed sometime later. i mean have a system for sorting, saving and naming all my files that makes sense to anyone who might happen to come across or have my external hard drive;
close all loose ends ~ and not just the happy conversations and goodbye messages to people that i once held near and dear. i mean take the first step to talk, resolve and have closure for everyone that i was either terrified of or indifferent to and let everything be said and done once and for all;
don’t put off, do ~ and not just what you are simply too tired or lazy to do, i mean do the things you are afraid of doing because you think you can’t or just won’t, or because you don’t know or want to face whatever the consequence of what you would have done would be;
go on an adventure ~ alone, but not just by myself alone or with me and my quandaries. i mean me and the universe, a trip where i go somewhere and i actually pay attention to where i am, and be where i am. to go somewhere where i can just be me and just be, and maybe find out and find who i really am;
go on another adventure ~ but not just alone this time. i mean go somewhere with people i really want to spend time with. i can name a few, the only few i really would love to. somewhere near here and where we could just hang out and talk, or somewhere out there, where we could see the world or wherever we could take each other;
just go, let go ~ and not just walking away but looking back and leaving your mind and heart. i mean go because you know it’s time to go and there is no going or looking back, and let go because you know it’s no longer something for you to have, not even the life you had;
don’t forget, say goodbye ~ and not just saying it. i mean meaning it. so don’t forget me, and goodbye.
disclaimer: while there is still time, i might be adding on or taking off some stuff on the list. i guess we’ll see, we got time right?
~ a.k.a.cross with two months but not counting
p.s. oh btw, i meant ‘leave’ not live, as in i have two months before i leave from Philippines for New Zealand, maybe for good. XD i’m not sorry for the misunderstanding though, coz you could still do what i’ll be doing and more. to leave or to live, it makes no difference for what and why we do the things that we do, when you will still have only the time you have, whether you are leaving for another place or to that ‘other’ place. so good luck to us if you will too, and if not, still God bless you. o;