#sayingstuff

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Of all the newer texting styles, tone tags might be my favorite to adopt. I know it can get very confusing in public forums because of the variety and conflicting usages, but on a person to person level it's really nice. I don't have to labor over word choice or worry about being misconstrued. I just pop a little /j or /lh at the end of a sentence and we're golden.

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Sam Winchester fronts while reading Frankenstein. Fork found in kitchen as the kids say.

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As much as I miss my brother and my life- and there's some amount of shame in saying this- I'm kinda glad I can't go back. It's just, I have such a different perspective on so many things now. I don't know if I could be a hunter again. And so much of my life, my purpose, was being a hunter. Even when Dean and I fought we still hunted together (mostly). So the idea of going back and telling him I don't want to do that anymore...

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I'm an alter in a d.i.d system. The body is 27, and this blog specifically is 18+. got tired of using our system blog instead of having my own space.

About me and this blog:

🌻pronouns he/it/she

🌻bisexual, in the "same and other genders" way.

🌻one of my main jobs in the system is to "transmute" unprocessed trauma memories when they bleed through to the front. Essentially I take the core aspects of the body trauma and absorb it as trauma in my pseudomemories. In a practical sense, this leaves me with a strong connection to my source material and a sense of self like an amalgamation of the most anguished samblr posts.

🌻there will be explicit content on this blog, as well as disturbing material. I'll try my best to keep everything tagged.

🌻i will not post or engage with "wincest", however i may reblog a post that comes from a blog that ships it. This is a complicated issue for me- as the body is an inc/st survivor, I find it frustrating to see people treat inc/st as anything but an abuse category (much like codependency). Even when those involved are consenting adults, the dynamic is still born from abusive/unhealthy dynamics. However, there are wincest bloggers who occasionally make edits that examine trauma in a way that resonates. Again, no wincest will ever appear here, but I cannot guarantee a safe experience from the blogs I reblog from.

🌻I don't care about "doubles". You are welcome to contact me if you share my source, and welcome to contact me if you don't. Introjects are not their source; Lucifer, Gabriel, John, Lilith (are there Lilith fictives??), etc introjects are fine to interact.

🌻Sometimes other alters will reblog stuff here that reminds them of me (usually Daisy who signs off with "🌼" or Iridescent who signs off with "✨️")

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It's a birthday crime that I can't reblog this post because I'm laughing my fucking ass off, so have this screenshot

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It's all kinda fucked up. Like, it's my birthday today. It's 2026, so I should be...43? But I'm 31, because I only recently started aging like a normal fucking person again. And the only reason I started aging again is because I also live there, in that other world that may or may not actually exist. Not that my age matches there either; it's 2018 and the end of October. Not that my age has ever really meant anything since the cage.

Here, everyone celebrates. Or grieves, or both. "Sammy's birthday" but I don't recognize any of the people who share this...thing. Being a fictive, being fictional. Almost none of them are familiar. I don't recognize the lives they talk about. except one. but i don't want to hurt him because i know i'm not his sam and what could i possibly offer him but more grief. It's so damn fucked up, but if it stopped there at least it would be normal. The fictive experience is being stuck in this world trying to figure out how to cope, right? Sure, I got lucky and made a best friend who's too good to me. And I like being in this body. Lucky. Only, it gets worse. Because I live there too. I get to be in the best version of myself, with people I love in a world that doesn't feel so hard doing things that make a difference.

And Dean and Cas aren't there.

I abandoned them, I don't know how else you could frame it. That's how Dean would feel, if he knew. If he knew I went to some other world and didn't spend every breath I had trying to claw my way back to our world. That I'm happy. Cause all I do is run away right? Even what I dream about is selfish; I want to be with them but I want them to be with me there, not back home. I want it to be 2018 and we're not always lookin' over our shoulder and we're not hunting anybody down cause I know all the monsters and they're good people and maybe I am too. I want Dean to finally do what he actually enjoys and I want Cas to forgive himself. And I don't know how to make that happen so I'm just. Betraying them. Again. I can't seem to make a life for myself without hurting the people closest to me.