#sayoni

[nasiruddinvuiya]

বিনোদন প্রতিদিন | ১৩ সেপ্টেম্বর | গ্লোব নিউজ বিডি

[dustedddreams]

Planning for a Queer Future

"The most important career choice you'll make is who you marry." So starts the essay in the Harvard Business Review on how to ensure your career survives your relationship choices.

As a gay woman very cynical about the likelihood of gay marriage ever coming about in Singapore, planning for my future is a little trickier. I recently went for a Sayoni meetup and met lots of queer women. It was my first gathering but I didn't feel too out of place. It was basically a dinner at a restaurant with three rows of tables and lots of women talking. Reminded me a little of the Riov meetups in Chennai, only bigger. I sat at the table nearest the door and I'm glad I did. The people at that table were very interesting and I was grateful for their insights.

Many of them were older than I am and were at markedly different stages in their lives. One was in her late 20s and looking to start a family in her early 30s, with or without a partner. She was talking to this Filipina lady who had done some research into IVF and was able to tell her which areas in the region (South East Asia) were good for what reason or the other. (Apparently Johor is good because they don't do rigorous checks on imaginary husbands) Others were talking about the costs of buying a flat, insurance for partners, and so on. 

It was a fascinating look into a possible future. I think it is quite clear that my life is on a different track from many of my peers. After a while, most of their plans don't quite seem to be relevant. Depressingly, most of the useful information comes from single people planning to be single. At the meetup, it was nice to speak to people who were planning a life for two. 

The HBR article talks about 4 things:

1. Shared vision and values (what do you both want) 2. Mutual interest, appreciation and investment (ensure lives overlap)

3. A team orientation (chip in)

4. Flexibility and adaptability (compromise)

I think I'm stuck at step one. How do I share vision and values when I don't even know what I want for myself. I'm not particularly confident about ensuring lives/interest overlap, less confident about chipping in and skeptical about the varying abilities/desire to compromise. In all, I feel ill-prepared to begin thinking about planning for the long-term. But not thinking about it at all seems dangerous in that I don't want to wake up 30 and without a fucking idea of what the hell I'm doing. 

It's frustrating reading articles like this because my desire to plan is often thwarted by life's lack of cooperation. Sometimes I wonder if I delay figuring out what I want because I delay the consequences that knowing will bring. Having a foggy outline is safer because you can't clash against smoke. 

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Junoon