Drunk words are sober thoughts.
I wish I was strong. I wish I could just tell them the truth, about how miserable I am and how damaged I am that I can barely stand to be in a room with him and not think about what a failure of a daughter I am, and what a waste of life. I can't help think that I am a fat piece of shit that will never amount to anything and end up with a baby out of wedlock. I can't help but think I'm so stupid that I cannot be loved, and that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for anyone.
I hate listening to people complain about there parents "caring too much" or "smothering" them. I would love that. I have wanted that for as long as I can remember. They have no idea what it is like to be raised by a monster, a monster who hates you and wishes the worst on you. I am so, so jealous of those people. I wish with every fiber of my being I could have something half as good as what they have. I want to be able to have my mom go away for a weekend and not worry about my brothers being hurt because of how drunk he is. I don't want to walk around my house in fear. I want to invite people over and not be scared if he is going to drink or not. I want to dance at my wedding with a man who has loved me since birth, and has brought me up with a kind hand and loving words. But for some reason, one that I still don't understand, God has chosen to not give me those things. So, I will h have to learn to do without all the traditional things that every girl hopes one day she will get to experience.
I look at my nieces and nephews and just want to crawl in a hole and cry out of my jealousy. I have wanted a real father for so long, but I will never get those daddy-daughter dates. I will never get the badge in girl scouts for the outing with dad because he was too busy and too drunk, and let's be frank, he hated me and still does. I wish so badly that I knew what I did to him to make him hate me so much, maybe I wasn't planned and costed them too much money. Maybe he wanted me to be a boy, whatever it was, I have never seen a man hate his child so much.
When people ask me what my worst fear is, it's not dying or being eaten by a shark. It's becoming, or marrying someone anything like my father.