#scheluxzjournal

[scheluxz]

HOW I MISS THE OLD YOU

Just tend to be very sensitive lately, and perhaps the results for the things I reflect on others can be different than what I expect. I might end up for blaming myself for everything.

If you ever find me to pushed you away, it’s because I just need you to pull me closer.

I’m a little struggling to communicate when I need affection, reassurance or more of an emotional connection.

and sometimes I’m fighting the demons of the fear of rejection or abandonment.

As a children, I was taught not to ask for what I need, or if I did, I was somehow punished for wanting more love and reassurance. Sometimes, I learned to act like I’m fine without it, or feel embarrassed, weak or selfish for wanting it. It has taught me to not ask out of fear of rejection or withdrawal of approval.

So now, I either expect you to be able to read my mind or I act out, by pushing you away, so then I will feel the rejection that I’m feeling and hope that you will try to make me feel better.

somehow, I just feel it becomes a greater feeling of rejection when you doesn’t respond the way I want you to.

I’m learning to be brave enough to ask for what I want in a kind and loving way. just sometimes, I lost direction of which one is fear based and one is love based.

I want love, and I know I have to choose love over fear. Focus on what I want, not what I don’t want.

and most of the time, I still confuse when I want love, and how do I want it, so if I can’t run from it, I’ll push it away every time it gets close.

Should I go over my actions multiple times before I actually take any steps. I may not be able to realize my power and then make wrong evaluations later on.

I would make a nice start for myself if I don’t restrict this with only one day but extend it over a period of time. The assessment of the infinite universe can also be endless of course (My brain advised me).

Even the stars hundreds of light years away have incredible effects on us.

[scheluxz]

ONE NIGHT, ONE MOON

I sat up one night, middle of the night.. and I knew I could do this. Now I still don’t know how I’m gonna do this, but I knew I could do it.

You just have to know, and when you don’t know, then no one can fault you for it. You do what you can, when you can, why you can. And when you cant, you cant.

The light of the days and the darkness of the night, despite its spike, the smell of a rose, and all bitter and sweet life stages are so beautiful sometimes. The thoughts in my subconscious, the emotions I suppress, and the feelings I hide are one by one appear on the surface.

This mask I wear to look strong has made me so tired out that I want to open up a new slate and breathe a sigh of relief. There are unspoken words and issues to be confronted and would it be covered again?

I will make the right decision as soon as possible and take a deep breath. The absence of a certain person after this separation and my thoughts in the emptiness almost cover me like a spider’s web.

I can neither move or shout nor I can express myself to those around me. I want this obligatory and painful expectation to ‘pass’ no matter what, just to forget and I want it to free me but I cannot. The more I panic the more I should wait with peace of mind to avoid getting lost deeper. These chain of events really painful.

No matter how angry I get, how much I cursed, get angry or blame the other part for ninety percent of it, the ten percent that remains my fault does not represent the reality. It wasn’t the best I could do; it wasn’t me.

I wish I didn’t done it just to leave a good memory of myself; I wish I didn’t hurt nobody. Even my silence is tearing others apart. If I could, I would forget about myself and feel sad at the situation of this human.

Let’s hope for the best until I will finally be able to put aside all the sad and bad incidents I have suffered from previously. For some matters in my life, I’ve suffered a lot. How much a love affair, which had turned to obsession, has hurt me. Although I may have seemed like someone devoid of emotions to my partner because of my past wounds, this was actually my way of protecting myself against a future full of uncertainties.

I realized it early on that some things were impossible to change. If I come across an illustration of someone full of pride. I feel upset and anxious but free and hopeful during my hard times. There’s an unquenchable fire of optimism burning inside my heart which is best used at hard times like this.

Maybe All I have to do is ask it myself. That I could get rid of the pessimism that has been haunting me as I make myself free of negativities, and I will activate my inner balance.

I will build myself from scratch. I will be in charge of making decisions and determining rules for my heart. I must accept the past as it is, so that it will become easier to continue walking towards the future, I’m sure that I’m mature enough to be able to do this. I hope that I can live in the moment, and enjoy the freedom it gives me.

[scheluxz]

WOUNDS

The world is full of unexpected twists and turns, and just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts and knocks you off your feet.

If you are lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix.

With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time.

TO HEAL

[scheluxz]

Most of the time. Love is about a choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending.  And sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, Fate wins anyway.

Scheluxz