“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”
— Marilyn Monroe
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@scheluxz
“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”
— Marilyn Monroe
“Dying is overrated. Human sentimentality has twisted it into the ultimate act of love. Biggest load of bullshit in the world. Dying for someone isn’t the hard thing. The man that dies escapes. Plain and simple. Game over. End of pain…Try living for someone. Through it all-good, bad, thick, thin, joy, suffering. That’s the hard thing.”
— Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever
“You made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful, I can’t breathe.”
— Unknown
every time you send a dry text or you take 5 hours to respond it feels like your hand is being plunged into my bare chest and ripping my heart out, and if i were to say this out loud i would be being “manipulative” and “dramatic” but it actually feels like i’m dying. it feels like i’m being physically hurt, but of course i still run after you because who would i be without you? i would have nothing to live for, no one to obsessively think about and adore. i would have no one to be completely and whole heartedly in love with, and being absolutely infatuated with you is the worst pain i’ve felt in my life but i wouldn’t change it for a second. you are the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me but goddamn it i wouldn’t be here without you. i owe everything to you, i fucking adore you my beloved.
“I was like a patient who cannot tell the doctor where it hurts, only that it does.”
— Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed
This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. I am 33 years old, and
I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. I was excited because all of my problems finally had an explanation, and just maybe I wasn’t such a bad person. Maybe it wasn’t all my fault like I was always told and I always believed. And most importantly, maybe I had a chance to get better.
I live with my kids because I cannot live alone. Currently, my BPD symptoms are worsening.
The reason being, that it is common knowledge for those with mental illness to understand how damaging social stigma can be, but I believe it is just as damaging to read numerous “success stories” about people who have suffered themselves. It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear.
There are ups and downs for everyone, mentally healthy or not. The struggle may get easier, but it will always be there.
Unfortunately, a few years ago, the societal stigma against mental illness reared its ugly head. especially in the eastern society.
People started telling me that I was using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad behavior. I started to believe that.
It’s like every step I had ever taken to better myself since my diagnosis, just never happened. All the feelings of worthlessness came flooding back into my head. I quit writing. And it felt like nothing I could ever do to try to improve myself would ever matter to the people I cared for, because of everything that had happened in my past.
Most of my family doesn’t believe in my diagnosis, and just telling me that i just had lack worship to GOD, and any friend I ever made has left because of the brief periods of time when I couldn’t control my emotions. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system.
Yes, I live with my kids, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward them that sometimes I can’t talk to them because I don’t know what awful words could come out of my mouth. My surroundings have left me feeling like there is no hope, because no one wants to help. Not someone like me. Not someone with questionable actions in their past.
I read The Art of Asking by my favorite artist Amanda Palmer, and it was absolutely wonderful. That book made me see that there are good people in the world. That some people really are willing and even eager to help, and that makes me smile every damn time.
I need frequent reminders of this, because if I don’t it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. I want there to be love in the world. I want to know that humanity can be beautiful. I want to know that honesty and loyalty exist. I need them to… but as an outcast to society, I don’t see it. My belief in it is fading.
Imagine the most intense feeling you have ever had in your life. Maybe it’s the first time you fell in love, or the worst argument you have ever had with someone you love. The intensity with which you felt those emotions is probably equivalent to what a person with BPD feels on a regular basis.
Now, multiply that feeling times ten and that is what a person with BPD considers intense emotion. That is what a fight with a loved one feels like, or how intensely they can feel love for a single person. The emotion can easily become unbearable, which is when the BPD takes control. Your mind, your body, are completely taken over and you end up doing something you regret deeply but have to live with. People will tell you that whatever you did was your fault, and you will believe it, but they don’t and can’t understand how hard you fought to keep control.
It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. There is nothing you can do to fix it. You believe you can’t get close to anyone because you will love them so much, and they will inevitably hurt you in one way or another, and you will overreact and do or say something that ensures they decide they can’t be around you. You are toxic. Your lack of emotional control leads you to damage your relationships, leading people to walk away from it, which exacerbates the abandonment issues that are a part of your disorder. It’s a cycle of negativity. I truly believe that I will never get better, because I am surrounded by negative people with negative feelings toward me that I then reciprocate toward them.
The stigma. The disregard/disbelief. It is killing my spirit. My will. I just wish more people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind of mental illness. The more people are aware and care, the more people we can help. I may feel hopeless, but I don’t want other people to.
I am aware there is a shift in the middle of this brief description of my experience from talking to people with mental illness, toward talking to those without it. Originally, I had intended for those without it to read and hopefully gain just a grain of understanding. But that will only happen if others that share in the experience find this and share it with others. My intention was to describe the difficulty while remaining brief.
There's a concept in Islam that when you pray for someone else, angels make du'a for you. And this is so beautiful, wallahi. Pray for others and ask them to pray for you. Du'a is something that neither gets plenty of effort nor much time. So everyone's ready to do that. Along with bringing ease and hope, this one practice makes a big impact on our attitudes. The more we make du'aa for other people, the more positivity is developed our minds. And the more we ask other people to pray for us, the more we learn to be humble, down-to-earth and kind. So all that we have to do to take a step towards becoming a better human being is normalizing making du'aa for each other. May we all have a higher degree of imaan in our hearts and become better Muslims with each passing day.
You may have yearned for a star, but Allah has saved the magnificent galaxies for you. You may have asked Him for a rose, but He wants to give you the entire garden of roses. You may want a book, but He has libraries waiting for you. You may wish to retrieve shells, but He has preserved wonderful pearls for you. You may have wished for the perfume of a particular flower, but Heaven's scent awaits you. You may crave a droplet of water, but He has endless oceans planned for you. You may desire a coin, but Allah has prepared chests of wealth for you. You may demand for brief moments of happiness, but Allah has planned endless bliss for you. You may want something, but Allah wants better for you, because He is the finest of planners. “They plan, and Allah plans. Surely, Allah is the Best of planners.” -The Quran 08:30 (Al-Anfal).
"One of the biggest acts of love is "Dua". You actually love someone enough to talk to Allah about them.
As often as I heard.
Loyal is boring.
Loyal is something that dimmed the fire.
I smiled
Then
I left!!
SORRY
I'm sorry is a statement, I won't do it again is a promise, How do I make it up to you is a responsibility.
An apology is not a punishment, it's a demonstration of accountability for the hurt caused to another. To take accountability and avoid causing that pain again, we need to understand why it hurt them, why we really did it and take responsibility for correcting our behaviors by growing in our understanding and then acting out of love, respect and kindness. If you don't take responsibility for your actions then you are actually placing the responsibility of the relationship on the other person. You are expecting them to do the work by accepting your behavior and trying to cope with it while focusing on YOUR happiness. You may not be able to change or take back whatever it is that you did, but you can do everything that you can to make amends and learn from your mistakes. Guilt serves as a tool to keep us from doing something hurtful to someone else but it shouldn't control our lives. Inappropriate guilt or guilt that no longer serves it's purpose but rather only makes us suffer, needs to be let go of. It can actually cause us to become selfish. How? Because when we are suffering from guilt then we are not emotionally available to our loved ones, we are withholding the love and joy that we could be sharing with them by being absorbed in our feelings and misery. Inappropriate guilt leads to unnecessary suffering, anger, resentment and feeling victimized. The lesson for us needs to be that we learned what not to do, how to make it right and how to be able to show more love now. The only way to have real connection is by creating a foundation of mutual trust and respect.
I get caught again, between to live my life, and trying to run from it
scheluxz
“Mantieni coloro che ami vicini a te, di loro all'orecchio quanto ne hai bisogno, amali e trattali bene... prenditi tempo per dirgli "mi dispiace", "perdonami", "per piacere", "grazie", e tutte le parole d'amore che conosci.”
— Gabriel Garcia Márquez
Bali life before silence day
I just wants to be able to forget.
Forget what it's like to be hurt by someone I’ve trusted and left to pick up the pieces alone.
I don’t want to be afraid to be touched or held without trying to run away.
I don’t want to be kissed by lips that will lie to me or scream at me in anger.
I don’t want to get used to going without, I want a love that reminds me that the best is yet to come.
I want to believe that someone could love me for who I am and not run away when they see my scars.
I want to believe that I deserve the kind of love that heals, that protects.
I just wants to know that I’m really wanted and not just a convenience or stopover until someone different comes along.
I want a man who can show me that it's safe to love again.
When life happens, we often feel like we can’t handle it, that we need someone or something to save us from our situation. But the truth is that we CAN handle it as long as we believe in ourselves. Our belief and faith in ourselves can get us through anything.
It’s when we stop believing that we lose our strength and our hope and desperately look outside ourselves for help. It’s the same as being in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and jumping overboard and swimming away from the boat and calling out for someone else to save you. You are your own lifeboat and you can rescue yourself, you have to believe that you are strong enough and brave enough and smart enough.
It’s good to get help from others, but your real power comes from taking responsibility for your own life; when you realize that it’s no one’s responsibility but your own, then you will try harder to make your life into what you want it to be and to live it on your terms. Pride in ownership. What you need are the tools to know how to cope and how to build, seek guidance and support but have faith in yourself that you are stronger than your circumstances and you will emerge victorious.