#school is stress

[vulnerasti-cor-meum]

stress stress stress I need another psychotherapy session.

[harry-leroy]

quarantine tag game

Tagged by the forever inspirational @princess-of-france. Thank you! 

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK AND SCHOOL? Yes - it is my last week of school and the stress is real (which is why I am procrastinating hehehe). I live in the great state of Texas, which is reopening on Friday (best of luck with that one y’all - I will be continuing to quarantine). Honestly I kind of needed this time off from *life and all of it*, so I am in some ways thankful for quarantine time. 

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU? My mom and dad, my brother, and my dog (my dog is probably the most stir-crazy of them all honestly somebody stop that boy)

ARE YOU A HOMEBODY? So much so that when my brother decided to move my car into the garage tonight (because there was a chance of hail), he said “will it turn on? It hasn’t been turned on in months”. We’re also planning on selling my car at the end of the summer, I never leave the house hehehe. 

AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED? Nothing has been cancelled yet in this regard, but I got in to a study abroad exchange program for next year in London and I really hope it does not get cancelled because a) I put time and money into applying for it,  b) this school has classes better suited to what i want to study in my field, and c) I do not love my current school that I’m at, and I was looking forward to a change of scenery - so. It will not be the end of the world if I can’t go. I would honestly rather be safe and keep everyone else safe than risk things because I want to do things, y’know? 

Also my school’s performance of Mahler 2 - my favorite Mahler symphony by a mile. 

WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY? Parasite! I had to watch it for my honors seminar and I’m probably going to write my essay over it (because my brain has been too dead to absorb any of the other readings). I also watched the National Theatre’s production of Twelfth Night that they are currently streaming and it was GLORIOUS. 

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING? None currently. I’m not much of a TV person, honestly. I have problems sitting still for that long, it’s a problem :’) 

WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Mozart’s Così Fan Tutte (because when am I not listening to that and lip-syncing it as a one-woman show), Bizet’s Carmen (and doing the exact same thing), Joby Talbot’s Alice’s Adventure’s in Wonderland Suite (mostly The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party - if you haven’t seen Steven Mcrae tap dance to it, go do it now it will make your day infinitely better), and various Schubert lieder. 

WHAT ARE YOU READING? J.M. Barrie’s Peter and Wendy, Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, Kim Zarins Sometimes We Tell the Truth, Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Margaret Cavendish’s Convent of Pleasure, and Franz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks.  

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF-CARE? Honestly I’ve been doing a lot of nothing lately, and that’s okay with me. I’m also trying to work-out more, which helps. 

I won’t tag anyone specific because I have no idea who has already been tagged or not, but if you see this and want to give it a go, please do. It is good to have a little rant every once in a while :) 

[keyexquisite]

Lowkey having a reality school crisis

[pagesofivy]

Yeah research weeks are great just really stressful sometimes haha - Lil Noddie

Oh I'm sure, regular weeks are stressful enough, if you have weeks dedicated to doing work?? Yikes.

[buttercup-everdeen]

it's midterms week but all I can think about is wanting to be wrapped up in a blanket while watching thunderstorms out a large window near a fireplace

[lifeanddeathandeverythingel-blog]

Dear School System

I’m tired. I’ve been getting A’s my entire life and I am tired. I want to be able to just go to school and not have to be perfect. My brother never did that well in school until about junior year in high school, but I’ve been a (mostly) straight A student since my first report card. Why do I have to get A’s? Why does any of this matter? Why is the majority of my youth spent being measured and tested like some lab rat?

School, you are callous and unfeeling; you put us through hell and call it “teaching” or “growing up.” You act like it is for our own good, but come on… you know it isn’t. You are grooming us; you’re tailoring us to your idea of the perfect member of society.

It’s never been, “Go to school so you can be happy!” No. It’s always been, “You need school in order to be successful.” As if your way is the only way. Not once are we taught how to take care of ourselves or how to be happy or what a toxic relationship looks like or who to go to if we aren’t safe at home.

I’ve been tested my entire life. I’ve gotten pats on the back, “wow”’s, and “try again”’s since I was first shoved into a school building. I’ve been conditioned to seek your approval instead of my own. I was never encouraged to be myself; I was ordered to be “good,” whatever the hell that means.

And now I am terrified of failing, asking for help, or admitting that I am not good at everything. I’ve actually skipped entire days of school in order to get extra time for an assignment because I couldn’t stand not having an A at all times. You never told me that it is okay to forget my assignment, like any human inevitably does, or that I don’t have to get it right all of the freaking time.

And all of that stuff kids and teenagers get criticized for, like judging others, being exclusive, playing “games,” and causing drama… where do you think we learned that from? From you.

Day one of Kindergarten I was introduced to the “sticks” system. A poster on the wall in the front of the classroom that had little pockets under all of the students’ names. A green stick in your pocket meant, “A+, you’re awesome!” A yellow stick meant, “C-, you need to watch it… go sit in the time-out corner.” A red stick meant, “F-, you are the worst student in the class, so do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the principal’s office.” At all times our every action was being judged and evaluated, and when the actions were “bad” ones, we would be removed from the group and pilloried. Isn’t that exactly what us “catty, cliquish, and judgmental teenagers” do?

That manipulative behavior was not introduced to us by magic; it came from somewhere. At the ripe ages of four, five, or six we quickly learned that if there is an unwanted behavior in someone, you deal with them by (1) pointing out their flaws in a passive aggressive manner right in front of their friends, (2) forcing them out of the group just slightly, just enough to make them scared of you really leaving them, and then (3) removing them from the group permanently. If someone were to do that outside of the school setting, they would be deemed rude, manipulative, and judgmental… so why can teachers do that to little kids?

I had a teacher that made a list of all of the kids that weren’t practicing their multiplication tables like she told us to, and after she finished the list, she read all of the names aloud in front of the class, mine included, and she made us stand up. We stood, most of us looking down or blushing because we were so embarrassed. She made us tell her what was important enough to warrant us ignoring her directions. Ironically, my friend had been making this book of lists while I watched and asked her questions, and these lists were made up of people’s names that my friend had a problem with, or just didn’t like in general, and then some of her favorite people. Obviously, being seven or eight, the hypocrisy of the moment flew over our heads, but looking back today it’s so transparent. This teacher actually made my friend and I feel so bad for making these lists because they were "mean and hurtful,” but the reason we were standing there in the first place was because she made a list that was used to be mean and to hurt us so we would “learn our lesson.” At least we never intended to show anyone the lists.

This is the stuff I’m talking about, though. Have you never heard the phrase, “monkey see, monkey do?” What exactly did you expect us to do? We watched the people that were supposed to be our role models, you, for years, and eventually we assimilated. Our supposed exemplars made it quite obvious how to deal with upsetting/unwanted behavior: take away their pride, give them a taste of exclusion, and then remove them. We only ever did what we were shown to do. Lessons aren’t the only way you impart information to people, especially when those people are impressionable kids.

As a kid I learned that there is never enough time for the why’s and what-not’s, no, we must act first, and not ask questions later. Yeah, that kid snapped at her teacher, but did you know her parents are divorcing? Yes, that kid stole your glue, but did you know he loves art and can’t afford his own supplies? Yes, that girl bluntly told her peer that his opinion was stupid, but did you know that she has Aspergers? And that kid that refuses to do any work, well, did you know he never learned how to read properly?

All of the kids that are so easily dismissed as trouble are the kids that could one day change the world, and this is how you treat them? How about some compassion? Some sympathy and patience, and dare I say it, respect? Sorry to burst your bubble, but not all of us are meant to follow your “pathway to success.” Life isn’t a mad libs game and we are not all created equal, (at least not in the literal sense); you can’t treat all of us the same way.  I am a fantastic reader, and I hate being kept back because others aren’t there yet; but also, I suck when it comes to lab sciences, and I hate feeling like the only one that’s lost. Some kids have ADHD or ADD, so don’t put them in a class with a bunch of quiet, easily-overwhelmed kids. Some kids learn from doing, some learn from hearing, some learn from seeing, I learn from conversing or reading. A dialogue is the best way for me to learn something, but in a classroom of twenty or thirty students, that ends up being impossible. I despise projects, but for some that is the only way they can gain understanding into something. Why do you group us by age instead of by ability, learning style, and emotional intelligence?

I am aware, however, that the blame does not lie solely on teachers, because they, too, have suffered at the hands of you, the school system. Teachers are terrified to take a break from their lesson plans because if their students do poorly on tests, they could lose their job, even if it is not their fault. They were taught the same way as us, and some of them really are trying to help the next generation succeed.

But this can’t be written off as typical anymore, we can’t be written off as typical anymore. How many more teenage suicides need to occur before you look at us? Like really, really look at us. We are not happy. We are anxious and afraid. We carry more than you think we do on our shoulders. Some of us have trouble waking up in the morning because at least when we are asleep we don’t have to feel stressed. Some of us work so hard and put so much of ourselves into being that “good” student, and end up burning out before we even get to experience life.

You need to realize that school is the only life we know. It’s all we can remember, and the only future we can see. At this point in our lives our only purpose is school. So remember that when you give us a grade; a number, a letter, a “job well done,” or a “you can do better,” that you are not just grading our work… you are grading our lives. It isn’t just a grade to us; it is a reflection of our ability to be a human in the world, and if you fail us, deem us mediocre, or exalt us, that determination will follow us forever, whether we are aware of it or not.

I’ll never forget the 100% I got on an AP test, nor will I forget the D I got in health class, (I know, I didn’t think that was possible, either). I felt invincible when I got that AP test back; I felt like I could do anything in the world. As powerful as those feelings were, though, they paled in comparison to the despair I felt when I got that D. I was so ashamed. I pretended that I didn’t care. I went around and showed it off to people, making self-deprecating jokes because I was just so mad at myself. Suddenly all of the successes and A’s I’d ever gotten vanished and all that was left was failure.

I have been manipulated into feeling this way… for some, a failure can be just the right push to spur them into action. For others, including me, to try is to lay one’s ego down for judgement, and a failure is to have one’s ego smashed to pieces. Next comes the blame game, in which the winner was always me. I blamed myself for every failure; I criticized myself, berated myself, punished myself, and why? Because failure has never been an option for me. To fail is shameful, lazy, idiotic, and inexcusable.

Whenever I failed at something I had to keep it a secret because I knew if people found out that they’d realize that I am a phony, a fake, a total idiot, and then everything would be ruined. So, I bottled it all up and overcompensated for my fear of inadequacy with being competitive and stubborn. If I was reading the same book as someone else, I needed to finish it first. If we were doing classwork, mine needed to be smarter and neater. If I was on a treadmill I had to go faster than the person next to me. If I went out to eat I had to get the healthiest meal.

Basically, I needed to feel like the best at everything because I was so terrified of failing and having everyone realize how stupid I really was. I liked the way people treated me when they knew I had straight A’s. I was able to speak my mind more, push boundaries more, complain about school and not have it sound like excuses for “bad” grades. I wish I could say I’ve evolved, but failure still makes me want to give up and hide.

For seven hours a day I am put into a cage to be tested, watched, and judged, and you expect me to learn something at the same time? Are you kidding? I feel like an animal in the zoo. You know, though, the worst is when someone grows accustomed to the perfection and straight A’s, then one tiny failure makes the world fall out from under their feet. Or the opposite, where someone is used to failure and decides they want to get that A, but no one takes them seriously and knocks them back to the ground.

Oh, and can we talk about letter grades, and how that system has just gotten so warped? Because it has. The biggest misconception about the grading system is that a C is considered a bad grade, when in fact… a C literally represents an “average understanding” of the material. Average. In case you’ve forgotten the definition, here it is, copied straight from the dictionary: “typical; common; ordinary.” So if a C is normal, why is an A so earnestly searched for, and gotten? Shouldn’t an A be rare? Shouldn’t C’s be more common? Shouldn’t a C be enough? Why does everyone need to be outstanding in calculus or biology or english or art? Why is a B something people settle for when it is above average? Something I never learned in school, but is very fascinating and should be taught at some point, is that in nature everything comes in the form of a bell curve. There are a few exceptionally low scores, the most scores are right in the middle, and a few exceptionally high scores.Yet you act as if this bell curve is actually a linear graph starting at (0,0) and going diagonally across, like x=y. Listen, that is impossible; that’s not how things work.

I dislike school because it has taught me to not accept myself and my limitations, and because every day that I go to school I have to put on a mask and harden myself so it can’t hurt me. I force myself to be cold and stolid because I can’t handle being knocked down again. I feel suffocated when I am there, like I can’t be myself or show any weakness. When I get home I pretend the school day never happened and it falls away from me. I start to soften, and the only way to keep the stress and sadness of the school day from permeating my thoughts is to stuff my head with garbage: tv, movies, youtube videos of cats, etc.

Silence breeds thinking and thinking breeds depression and depression breeds emptiness. So, I pretend school doesn’t exist; the minute I get home the day is forgotten. It’s the only way I can keep functioning. If I allow myself to feel it, all of it, then I will sink into the darkness again… and I’d rather feel incomplete than empty.

[thenameiscrow]

oh aren’t I lucky another assignment. I think I’ll just pull an extra two hours out of my ass and add it to day the day.