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Daily Mail EXCLUSIVE: African Horn vs Al-Shabab Crisis: Red Rover, Red Rover

"Red rover, red rover, send [name of player on opposite team] right over."

Jingxuan, Crisis Coordinator, has recently given an exclusive insight into the crisis to the Daily Mail.

"We've had triple agents and a few defections are being negotiated now."

We then had a follow-up interview with the whole team of Crisis Coordinators:

"Issa Osman Issa (played by Gavin) killed approximately one child per hour."

"2500 died from Marburg outbreaks, the largest Marburg outbreak in history. Also the smallest response from authorities in history. It makes you ooze."

"There were massive riots."

We asked them what happened to the various children's hospitals:

"We killed a couple of them."

Lastly, "how do you feel about the lack of quarantines?"

"It's making me feel positively ill." - Jingxuan

"I'm sick with disgust." - Mandy

"I'm oozing unhappiness." - Pete

"The staff quarantined themselves more than the committees did." - Robbie

"@£$%!U$**$(@((!*£**$"- Aaron

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This article in no way reflects the views of ScotMUN as an organisation, any members of its Secretariat or the author of this article. Any similarities to real world newspapers like the “Daily Mail” are purely unintentional. Thanks for reading.

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Afghanistan Press Release:

Crimea's 1979

Op-ed by Jack Erans, Afghan Ambassador to UNSC

"The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan thirty-five years ago may seem an age away to much of the international community, a long forgotten war that closed the distant era of communism. But today, the same leaders of Moscow have unashamedly initiated an invasion of another free, independent neighbor state, bringing the democratizing nation of Ukraine to the threat of war.

Afghanistan met this same threat in its Soviet uniform in 1979 with a proud, patriotic, and stalwart defense of our homeland, and now wishes the people of Ukraine success in the same. 

Hopefully, this will be a peaceful process, with a show of Ukraine's intent to defend its sovereignty being sufficient. But if Russian troops continue to push into the country, and initiate violent action, proud Ukrainians will react with the moral support of the nation of Afghanistan at their backs."

Source: http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Observer/Columnist/Columnists/2011/3/8/1299585723745/soviets-007.jpg

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Press Release from the Crisis in the Security Council:

"Lithuania deeply condens the actos of aggression by Russia, and will be having talks about the crisis with both the EU and its NATO Allies."

"The Republic of Korea hopes that despite dim expectations, this situation can still be solved peacefully."

Russia claims that the occupation of the Crimean is justified because the majority of the citizens living there are Russian.

The delegate of Chad reminds the federation of the agreement in 1994 for peace- how can Russia thus justify their actions?

Russia responds: "Russia is not breaching the agreement, because there is no violence involved." Apparently holding people as hostages is not a violent force.

The Ukraine is stating that "Russian forces in the Crimea is a threat to the Ukraine." The delegate thereafter invaded the personal space of the Russian delegate.

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Responses to the Breaking News: Russian troops mobilized near the Ukrainian border in the Crimea

"Rwanda has expelled the Russian ambassador for the actions in the Ukraine."

Furthermore, "The Arab League condemns the aggressive attitude of Russia."- Jordan and Iraq

It is not unknown that Afghanistan has also deeply condemned Russia's actions. Afghanistan hopes that Ukraine will “crush the Russian Federation and kill the invaders.”

China hopes that the delegates will come to a peaceful conclusion. Meanwhile, Rwanda believes that this crisis could “lead to World War Three.” 

How does Russia defend itself? "The Russian Federation has a right to protect its citizens in the Ukraine.” They were “called on” by Russians living in the Crimea.

Perhaps Russia has forgotten that they persuaded Russians to move to the Ukraine to gain a stronger foothold in the Ukraine? Historically there are tensions that run deep between Ukraine and Russia.

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Further updates to come soon.

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Washington Post:

BREAKING NEWS-

The US has withdrawn from G8 in Sochi. The US congress will be voting on sanctions against Russia soon. 

The Washington Post is worried that this alarming news can lead to a new Cold War. Tensions rise and delegations are getting bolder with their threats and voices.  

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Tensions high in the Security Council between the US and Afghanistan

Breaking News: Tensions between Afghanistan and the US

  Afghanistan wants a UN-created organization for oversight of PMCs that could facilitate investigations and prosecutions of PMCs.

  There are allegations that war crimes have occurred in Iraq and Afghanistan. “The reason these allegations never came to light was because there was no such committee” – Afghanistan.

  “We’re surprised by the resistance we are meeting from so many Western liberal democracies that are opposed to the creation of what is essentially a charity for human rights.”

  The United States and Britain are opposed to the creation of a committee, and this caught me completely off guard. This should be entirely in their interests.

  The veto power is a strong threat. The observer power is not. Afghanistan is meeting resistance from the larger nations.

  This is a classic example of victimization by larger nations. “Foreign companies go and do whatever they like in other countries and then retreat to their headquarters in New York or Paris, and are immune from prosecution.”

  USA:  “Countries are mischaracterizing the US’s position to further their own political agendas.”

  - The guardian senses some severe conflict between Afghanistan and the US.

  The US has been the leading power that has set up a monitoring system for PMCs.

  “The problem is that the monitoring system was set up already but other countries want to establish another one, for a reason that this delegate does not understand.”

  The US is “not against human rights, its just standing firm on its position that there is already a monitoring system and we should focus on this one, rather than implement another committee.”

  The Guardian is deeply worried about these tensions. 

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I hate people.

-Pragya, Secretariat

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I want to become a diplomat in the UN. I’m from Greece, but I could represent any country. I would love to also work in the EU.

-Bill, Greece