Apr 2
I like the fish
seen from South Africa
seen from Mexico
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Japan
seen from United States
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seen from Ukraine
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Peru
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
I like the fish
Sebastian solace x reader
Summary: What happens if you give a suicidal person the ability to come back from death time and time again, completely ok? Physically at least. Sebastian doesn't want to know.
Trigger warnings and content warnings: suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm and some graphic descriptions of death. Angst with a happy ending.
Genre: angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Read on AO3 or down below :3
Word count: 6205
Author note
There will always be someone there. You are never alone and you are loved. Please remember that.
Also please ignore the spelling mistakes if there are any it is 7 am when I am posting this. Also I'm on mobile so possible weird formatting I'm sorry </3
__
The cold in the room bites at you, filling your lungs with a gasp as you open your eyes. The burning that consumed every inch of your body just seconds before is gone just as fast as the manilla folder slaps down on the desk in front of you, barely illuminated by a light from above. This feels different from the other deaths.
You wonder what snide remark you're gonna hear this time.
“A void mass? Really?”
You spare a glance up at him, glowing white eyes peering down at you, completely void of emotion. Completely unreadable. You give a meek shrug. It's not like you have to explain yourself to him, and you're already feeling a lot better than before. Lighter.
Like you can let yourself breathe.
“I tripped up. I heard an angler and hid without checking.”
His stare is still empty as ever, his tail shifts around somewhere in the dark room around you as he snickers and leans in a tiny bit closer. Just enough to see that fanged smile.
“Try not to be so careless next time, yeah? Wouldn't want urbanshade taking their brightest expendable out of the program.”
Normally the thought would send a chill through your veins, you’d give a snide remark back and then you’d be on your way to start another life, start another loop, and repeat the cycle all over again.
You don't have it in you to do that this time, so you smile up at Sebastian and bid him farewell, closing the folder and your eyes.
When you open them, you're back in the lobby. Other expendables rushing around, submarines docking and leaving, and the sound of rushing water flooding through the cave hidden port as you look out at the waterfall blocking the entrance that hides it from the view of any unsuspecting soul.
Standing up and dusting yourself off, you make your way to a dock.
The cycle begins anew.
—
Cold air rushing into your lungs, dim light illuminating a folder on the table, a hearty laugh. The same story once again. The searing on your skin is gone, now replaced by a soft tingling.
It's not entirely unpleasant.
A claw emerges from the dark and flips open the folder, circling the photo of a landmine slowly and tauntingly.
“Tsk tsk tsk. So careless. A mine in the middle of the hallway? I thought you were better than this expendable.”
The name is said low and slowly, certainly drawn out to mock you of the position you hold. You couldn't care less, this is the best you've felt in a while.
Your eyes skim through the page, not really caring about mines in particular, but it's something you'll be able to think about later on a slow run.
“Thanks for the info Sebastian! I’ll be heading out now.”
Your voice is awfully cheery for someone who was just blown to bits, but before he can say anything you're already sending him a smile and wave as you close the folder and blink away in an instant, back to the lobby.
Sebastian sits there for a moment longer than he should have, glancing down at the file still on the desk.
There's no way you hadn't seen that mine in front of you.
—
By the time you're at the 8th death from something he deems completely avoidable, Sebastian sits with the file already open on the table and eyes narrowed down at you as your body jerks back to life.
You can feel the hole that pierced through your body closing up, flesh mending and muscle regrowing underneath your jumpsuit. It burns, yet you're still grinning ear to ear.
“Beautiful day for some runs, isn't it Sebastian?”
He stares down at you with a glare, sounding incredibly unimpressed.
“You walked directly into a searchlight’s spotlight.”
For the first time, you catch something in his eyes, but it's gone before you can put a name to it.
“Just what exactly are you playing at here expendable? Some stupid idea that if you die enough times in such meaningless ways you'll be pulled from the program? That urbanshade will think you're too useless so they let you free from here only to go back to death row? Once you're here, you're here for good.”
His voice is practically snarling at you as you look at the papers on the desk in front of you before looking back up at him, pulling out your best sheepish laugh.
Letting him know wouldn't do anything.
“I guess I've just been off my game recently, but that doesn't matter. I just come back every time anyway’
You smile up at him with that same stupid smile, the one you’ve made every time for the past 7 deaths before this and close the folder, disappearing before he can get a word in once again.
A growl bubbles up in his throat that turns into an agitated scream as he swipes the folder and lamp off the desk, sending them crashing down onto the floor.
You have to have a goal here. Some kind of weird thing you’re working towards, you wouldn't be dying so senselessly for nothing, would you?
You have almost everything in the files unredacted, you've been on so many runs he's lost count and you've gotten as far as anyone can go before being sent back to start again. What could you possibly be doing?
He grumbles as he picks up the folder and lamp off the floor, dropping the lamp on the table with no regard for it and cramming the file back into the locker.
You have normal runs where you die normal deaths like every other expendable down here, things that most people would slip up on. So why is it that these completely avoidable (and quite frankly stupid) deaths keep happening closer and closer together?
You had to be losing it. Running down seemingly endless halls, getting hunted by every living thing in this forsaken facility like it's a sport, feeling your body die all around you... After one day any normal person would be starting to feel the grips of insanity beginning to claw its way inside them.
He stops for a moment and sighs before quickly shaking it off and getting back to work.
No use wondering what that would imply for someone like him. He’s thought about it enough already.
—
Sebastian’s eyes peer down at you as you grab some batteries off of his desk, watching and waiting to see anything that could tip him off to what you were doing. Even the slightest change in your behavior from what he's used to, anything that could be useful in any way.
Whenever you get to his shop, you always stop and chat for a few minutes with a smile. That's been something that's never changed about you.
Even on your first day, terrified as all hell and trembling from head to toe as you stumbled your way through the vent to his shop, you still smiled and introduced yourself.
You don't seem as…energized…this run. Something he's been noticing a lot lately. Very avoidable mishaps are always what kill you when you're like this.
Maybe you're not paying attention as much as you should be because your mind is elsewhere.
But where else would it be besides this hellhole?
As you turn to grab the keycard and leave he huffs, picking the medkit off of his tail as you turn to look at him questioningly.
“You’re not gonna be getting past the generators in the shape you’re in. here.”
This is something he would never do, something that defies all morals he’s gained since he's been stuck in this hellhole.
“6% off. You look like you need it.” he sneers out, knowing fully well that it’s an act at this point.
You look up at him, hand hesitantly hovering over it. Sebastian never gives anyone discounts for any reason. Something’s wrong. He's onto you.you put on the best playful grin you can.
It hurts worse than any death you've experienced.
“The Sebastian I know would never accept anything for less than full price. What's the catch?”
“There is no catch, now take it and get out before I change my mind.”
He can see how the smile doesn't reach your eyes, how the fatigue is creeping its way into every inch of you, but you take the medkit and turn around before he can look closer.
You wave farewell and thank him without turning around, crawling out of the vent and making your way down the hallway. He hears the sound of the med kit lid clattering to the ground as your footsteps fade into the distance.
You make your way to the next room, body fully refreshed but mind still cloudy. It was nice of him to do that for you. He's not usually that nice. It makes you feel just a little bit less foggy.
The door shutters open with a metallic shriek as you make your way inside, only to see that a giant hole in the ground blocks most of the way, with small wooden planks laid out to form a narrow path over.
You haven't killed yourself while fully healed yet. Will that make it feel even better?
Almost like second nature at this point you walk over to the edge and step over with no hesitation or second thought, your body falling down into the abyss with a smile on your face.
You blank just before you hit the
ground.
You jolt awake a moment later, head pounding that quickly dulls into a fuzzy feeling, the relief of feeling better almost instantly washes over you.
Sebastian isn't happy to see you again so soon.
—
After the 24th death, he decides enough is enough. He waits a few minutes after you leave to put the vent cover back on the entrance to his shop and he hoists himself up to the ceiling rafters, sliding into one of the air ducts to follow after you without you knowing.
He was getting to the bottom of this, one way or another.
__
Banging in the vents was nothing abnormal in the blacksite, hell, it's hard to go 10 rooms without hearing someone screaming for their life.
Random thumps, footsteps or other sounds of unknown origin don't scare you anymore. Quite the opposite.
If there had been no sound here, you probably would’ve lost it much sooner. Going on runs by yourself can get lonely. You used to love venturing into the depths of the broken down site with other people. But you'd prefer it if no one saw what you've been up to.
But it's good to know there's other things down here with you.
No matter how fucked up they may be.
The safe room door slides open and you walk inside, beginning to search drawers and filing cabinets for the keycard to open the next room.
Sadly, this room didn't have a way you could end your own life in it, so you'd have to keep going if you wanted to find a way to make this awful feeling end.
You hear a jingle to your left as you look around, eventually ducking down and finding the keycard on the floor underneath a chair. A small but triumphant smile crosses your face. Finally, you wouldn't have to put up with this much longer. You could start a new, hopefully better run.
A run where you don't feel like there's a bottomless pit in your chest where your heart should be.
A run without something that sucks all of the good things out of life.
You’ve been saying that to yourself nearly every round now. It's only getting worse.
You grab the key card and make your way to the door, sliding it in and waiting for it to click. The door opens with the same loud metallic shriek every door here opens with and you stand in the entryway for just a moment, before you hear what sounds like music to your ears.
The sounds of turrets kicking to life
Painter's voice cuts in from over the speakers like an angel descended from heaven itself to save you.
“Better hope you're bulletproof, buddy!”
__
Sebastian watches from up in the vents, having been following you for around 10 minutes now. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far, it seemed like any other run; albeit a bit slower than normal pace.
The sound of turrets firing up was not something new to sebastian, he had heard painters splatter art therapy too many times to count at this point, even getting caught in it a time or two before the ai realized who it was shooting at.
He watched you as you stood at the doorway of the room, just outside of the turret's range. Most likely assessing the best path to get to the off switch.
You have the least amount of deaths from turrets, once even telling him that you find it fun. The ducking, weaving and adrenaline rush making it more like a game to you.
You should have no problem with this.
You take a step into the room and suddenly, something feels wrong. Horribly wrong. Without a moment's notice, you step directly into the moving turret's red beam of sight and it locks onto you, firing almost instantaneously.
He can only watch wide eyed in horror as bullets shred through your body in an instant, tearing flesh, ripping muscle and shattering bone. Your body crumbles to the floor in a matter of seconds.
When he sees your face, he feels beyond sick.
Blood gurgles out of your mouth, spilling down the sides of your cheeks next to tears. Your eyes are fully welled up, scleras turning bloodshot.
Worst of all, you're smiling.
The same smile you'd give to him when he had your favorite items in his shop. It was now twisted and warped, smeared in crimson that only sputtered out more and more when you let you a broken, drowned laugh.
He was completely frozen. He had seen so many bodies, he himself had killed so many, he's seen enough viscera and gore in this shit hole that it would make the world's most renowned biohazard cleanup crew resign permanently.
He’s committed atrocities against so many people, just wanting to survive down here and get out, same as him, so why…
Why did it feel so different now that he's seeing it happen to you?
He covers his mouth with his hand, suppressing the urge to vomit. He's seen expendables kill themselves before, he knows you’ve died horrible deaths before.
This shouldn't be any different!
But oh god…not like this…
Not with you…
Before he has the chance to keel over he blinks for the first time in what feels like years, and suddenly he's back in that oh so familiar dark room with a file in his hand and a shitty lamp barely illuminating the desk.
You're lying slumped in the chair across from him, how you appear after every death. Jumpsuit completely clean and tidy, all signs of blood are completely gone, and the bullet holes that riddle your skin are stitching themselves back up as if nothing had ever happened.
As if what he just saw was nothing but a horrible dream.
His eyes are still wide and jaw agape as you twitch to life, gasping in air, you sit and breath for a moment before looking up at him with the brightest smile and wave he's ever seen from you
“Turrets got me this time! Guess I got a little too ambitious when I was heading for the off switch!”
Your voice is so cheerful it's sickening now. He's never felt like this before. He can't move, he can't talk, he can only sit and stare in horror.
You look up at Sebastian, seeing him frozen like this is certainly new. You wave your hand in front of him, and when all you get in response is his mouth moving with no words you reach and grab the folder from his hands with no retaliation from him, too caught up in your own glee to notice the fear in his eyes.
You kick your feet back and forth and smile, humming a little as you browse over the file.
He swears he can still see the blood on your lips.
“Ok, well I'll see you next run Sebastian! Take care!”
you close the folder and just like that, youre gone from him once again
He stares at the folder on the desk before turning and looking at the file cabinets surrounding him.
How many times had you killed yourself and played it off as normal deaths?
How long has this truly been going on for? Had you been purposefully putting yourself in dangers way this entire time and only recently started ending your own life yourself?
Have you been doing it yourself this whole time and just gotten worse and worse the more it progressed?
All he knows is that he can't let it continue.
He can't.
—
You crawl through the vent into Sebastian's shop, standing up with a stretch and popping your back. You take a moment to stretch the rest of your limbs before moving over to Sebastian, giving him your best wave and smile.
“Hey Sebastian! Whatcha got in store for me today?”
He seems more tense than usual as he flicks his tail over to you, showcasing the stock for today. You idly chat about whatever you can think of as you make your choice, picking up some batteries and a flash beacon.
You bid farewell and turn to leave, but before you can even make it halfway across the room Sebastian flicks his tail again, this time slamming the vent cover back into place. You flinch a little from the loud noise and turn to him confused.
“I think we need to have a talk, friend.”
He sounds incredibly pissed and immediately you are racking your brain for anything you could’ve done to make him angry. You're too lost in thought to notice him leaning down to your level until his hands are gripping your shoulders.
“So, how many times now have you killed yourself on purpose? And why?”
His claws sink into your shoulder, not enough to break skin, but enough to be very aware of them.
You freeze, every muscle in your body tensing as your heart begins to speed up. He wasn't supposed to find out. How did he find out? You need to think of something to get out of this and fast.
He shouldn't know about this.
“Killing myself..? Sebastian, why would I kill myself? I've got enough things trying to kill me as is! I haven't been doing it on purpose!”
You try to play it off with a chuckle and force yourself to smile. It's not like this is about anything serious, or something that would matter to him.
He scowls at you, anger flickering in his eyes as his tail thuds against the ground in restrained anger.
“No one happily walks in front of a turret and then laughs about the fact they're bleeding out on the floor.”
Shit. Shit shit shit SHIT. He saw you?!? Not good not good not good NOT GOOD. he's probably going to think you're crazy and hate you. He'll be disgusted with you forever and never want to be near you again. You have to salvage this somehow. You have to.
“I was just so excited to see you…?”
“Wrong. Try again”
You fidget uncomfortably, looking anywhere but him. This is bad. How could you possibly make this seem like a normal thing??
“Why do you need to know? It doesn't involve you”
His grip tightens on your shoulders and you swallow nervously.
“It does involve me when i'm the one who deals with you every time you die.”
Your hands are shaking now as your eyes begin to water. Why did it have to go like this? Why did this have to happen? This shouldn't involve him at all, he's stressed enough as is.he shouldn't have to deal with you. You're being pathetic. Why couldn't you have just stayed dead on one of your attempts? This isn't fair. It isn't fair it isn't fair it isn't-
You didn't even realize you had started crying until Sebastian says your name. Not expendable, not buddy, not friend. Your actual name.
All at once, everything breaks and your legs give out underneath you with a sob, his hands quickly move under your arms to catch you and set you on the floor gently, making sure you don't fall.
Your sobs begin to grow louder as you grab your arms, nails digging into your flesh to try and calm yourself down as blood begins to pool at the openings of the new wounds.
Sebastian's eyes widen with shock and before you can do anything more in your panicked state, he grabs your hands, holding them above your head. You jerk back in retaliation to try and free yourself before quickly giving up, unable to do anything.
“I-”
you try to sputter out, choking on your own sobs.
“i -i dont-”
you sniffle and hiccup, unable to get more than a few words out at a time.
Sebastian moves his free hand to your face, wiping the tears away from your eyes. He squeezes your blood soaked hands gently.
“It's fine, take your time. I'm not going anywhere”
You stare at him teary eyed in silence for a moment before letting out a long and broken whine, more tears spilling over your eyes. This was wrong. You shouldn't be letting him see this. He's being too gentle with you. You don't deserve this.
“Jesus, if i knew that's how you'd react i would've said something else”
Sebastian forces a chuckle, trying anything to try and distract you from what you're feeling.
But his voice is quiet, as if he wanted no one else in the world to hear it but you.
You take a shaky breath, you have to get him away from you. He doesn't deserve to be put through this.
“I...”
Your voice trembles as you speak, your words almost completely unintelligible.
“I...hate you. I dont…I don't want to be near you.”
If you tell him you hate him, he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never talk to you again and he won't have to be burdened with you and your dumb problems ever again. He can figure out a way to escape and be free and happy without you constantly bothering him.
Sure you'll be miserable without him, you love him. But your feelings don't matter, not when it comes to him. His happiness is much more important. He'd be much better off without you
“You hate me, huh?”
His voice is dripping with sarcasm, enough to make you aggravated as you glare up at him. Why isn't he taking this seriously? Why isn't he leaving you?
“Y-yes! I…i hate you..! I hate you Sebastian! I never want to see you again! Get away from me!”
The words leave a nasty taste in your mouth and an even worse feeling in your chest. You didn't mean any of this. You could never hate him. But you have to, to keep him safe.
He stares at you, barely reacting to your outburst. His eyes narrow as he leans closer to you, his eyes never leaving yours.
“No you don't.”
He says it so calmly, as if it were a fact everyone knew. Disbelief and frustration bubble up inside you as you try to shake his grip off of you, planting a foot on his chest to try and push him away from you. Your efforts are completely in vain as he keeps you in place without so much as even moving when you struggle.
“What do you mean I don't?! That's not for you to decide!”
“If you actually hated me, you wouldn't make such a pitiful face when saying it.”
He flicks you on the forehead right between your eyes as he says it, and you stare at him with wide eyes and jaw agape. Why won't he just believe you?
“I hate-”
“Nope. Try again.”
“I ha-”
“Nah”
“I-”
“Wrong.”
You let out a scream in frustration, tears of anger running down your face now. Why won't he just let you do this for him?!
“Now, are you gonna tell me what's actually going on?”
You turn your head away now. If he wants to play like that, you can play like that too. You'll just sit here in silence until he gets fed up with you and leaves. This is what's best for him.
You both sit in silence for a moment before he asks again, once again being met with silence. He groans in annoyance. Why did you have to be so stubborn?
The hand that was once wiping your tears away grabs your face, forcing you to turn and look at him
“Just tell me what's wrong god dammit!”
A baffled and angry sound escapes you as you try to wiggle your face out of his grip, but he only pulls you closer. He presses his forehead to yours, eyes piercing into you like they were trying to dig into your very soul.
You try to look anywhere else that isn't him, but he jerks your face to make your eyes meet him anyway. There's no escaping it this time.
“Im- I'm not going to burden you with this Sebastian! It doesn't involve you!”
He raises an eyebrow at this, backing away from you a bit but still keeping a firm hold on your face.
“You think you're going to burden me? Is that it?”
You scowl. What doesn't he understand?
“Of course It would burden you! You already have so much shit to deal with and I'm not gonna let my pathetic problems weigh you down more!”
Shit. You probably shouldn't have said that. He stares at you silently before letting go of your face and bringing your hands to your lap, squeezing them in his. His thumb rubs the back of your hand, the gesture making nausea and pain shoot through you.
“Are you actually stupid enough to think it would burden me?”
Because you can refute the insult, he holds a finger up to your mouth to shush you.
“You're one of the few things in this shitty place that doesnt burden me. If the only actual person I gave a damn about is hurting, then I want to know.”
You can feel your heart skip a beat at his words, but you try to shake it off.
no no no NO!.. this…this isn't right..! He shouldn't have to worry about someone like you! You're being pathetic!
“Don't tell me what is and isn't right. I've seen plenty of people being pathetic, and you aren't one of them. Especially not now”
Fuck, did you really say that out loud? You would cry more from embarrassment at this whole ordeal, but you've run out of tears by now.
You sniffle quietly, your voice coming out quiet and broken.
“I don't…I don't deserve you, Sebastian…”
Sebastian reels back, a confused look crossing his face as the fins on the sides of his head dropping down a bit to match.
Slowly, a snicker leaves him. Then another, until it becomes full on laughter. You didn't deserve him?? He's never heard something more ridiculous.
You stare at him confused as he laughs, his laughter only growing lower and harder, even bringing up a hand to wipe away a tear forming.
What is even happening right now…?
It takes a moment but he takes a deep breath in and out to recollect himself.
“You don't deserve me? I'm a monster! I mean, just look at me! Do you even know how many people I've killed? How many deaths I've caused?”
He chuckles to himself, but your eyes widen, panic growing on your face as you pull your hands out of his grasp. Instead, you clasp his hands together in yours as you practically lunge forward towards him. He flinches back from the sudden movement but otherwise stays still as he looks down at the most desperate face he's ever seen anyone make.
“No no no! You're not a monster! You're amazing Sebastian! Even with everything that's happened to you, you still help people! You let everyone and everything that was trapped in the black site out and even now you're trying to figure out a way to get painter out with you too! A monster wouldn't do that! Of course I don't deserve someone as selfless as you!”
The pure desperation to get him to understand you makes his heart drop. Why the hell is he the one getting nervous now? This is supposed to be about you for god's sake.
He opens his mouth to respond but before he can get the chance, you're already talking again.
“You run a shop when you don't have to, you could leave everyone to fend for themselves but you don't! Hell, you didn't even get anything at all from the dead drop shop and you still run it! You're amazing Sebastian! I could never ask someone like you to worry about someone like me!”
This time he's the one cutting you off before you can start talking again, an agitated look on his face.
“Woah woah hey- you don't deserve me? What the actual hell are you talking about? I've seen you give med kits to people who were barely bruised while you were bleeding out! I've seen you jump in front of people to take bullets so they wouldn't have to, seen you shove people into the last locker while you took the full force of pandemonium charging at you! When someone is hurt or sad, you're always the first person there to help! What in the everloving hell are you saying you don't deserve me?! I Don't deserve YOU.”
You begin to stammer something out before he holds up a hand, gesturing at you to stop for a moment. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs before looking back up at you
“Ok look, we’re not going to get anywhere like this and how I feel right now is irrelevant because you have been CONTINUOUSLY KILLING YOURSELF-”
He cuts himself off, taking a breath to calm himself before continuing
“And I care about you, which you can't change, no matter how much you want to. So for now, you are going to sit here and promise me that you will stop hurting yourself.”
He looks down at you and god, he's never wanted to take on someone else's pain as much as he does right now.
Your eyes are wide and bloodshot with tear stains on your face, your hair is messy and your arms are covered in now drying blood. If it were anyone else, they'd look pathetic to him. But it's not anyone else, it's you.
His heart clenches at the thought. He wishes he could take you away from here, shield you from all the horrors of this place. Protect you from every horrible thing you think about yourself. But for now, this is the best he can do.
“Do you think you can do that for me?”
Your name on his voice is enough to ease the pain of everything for a moment, but you hesitate.
Sebastian notices immediately, placing a claw under your chin and guiding you to look up at him.
“Listen, here's what we’re gonna do. I'm going to give you a walkie talkie, and the moment you feel any urge to hurt yourself you call me and I will come get you. If you can't use the walkie for any reason, you will find painter and tell him and I will come get you. Do you understand”
You swallow nervously, shame burning in your chest. You really don't deserve this, but there's no point in arguing with him anymore.
“Ok I um….I… I promise.”
You look away as you say it, not being able to bear how humiliating this feels.
“I see you every time you die, so I'll know if you don't tell me.”
“Ok, I understand.”
“And so help me god if I learn you threw yourself into danger I WILL-”
“Ok ok I get it! I won't!”
You grumble to yourself as he smirks, clearly proud of himself. This is the worst. You shouldn't be happy about this, that he cares about you enough to do this. How selfish you are-
“Now you are going to sit here and tell me about alllllll of the good things about yourself”
Wait, what?
Before you can object, or even ask what he means by that, he's moving his hands under your arms and picking you up as you shriek in surprise.
He moves his tail, curling it so you can sit comfortably on it as he drops you down on it before plucking a med kit off of one of the bags on his tail.
The med kit pops open with a click and he holds a hand out at you expectantly. Completely baffled, you rest one of your arms in his grip, his hand almost the size of your entire forearm.
Sebastian pops a bottle of antiseptic open and pours it onto a cotton pad before bringing it to your arm, holding it just above one of the self-inflicted scratches.
“Now, tell me one of the reasons you deserve to be cared for.”
“What-? Sebastian I'm not gonna-”
You hiss in pain as he dabs the rag over a cut, the antiseptic stinging the wound. He glances up at you expectantly.
“Ok ok um-....”
You sit in silence for an embarrassingly long time as you try to come up with anything good about yourself. Even with the things Sebastian told you earlier, it's still hard to believe you deserve any of this
“I'm…I care about others and always try to help when I can…?”
It comes out more like a question than anything else. You glance at him nervously as he nods and let's put a hum of approval, telling you to keep going as he grabs a roll of bandages and begins to wrap it around your arm.
This is going to be difficult.
You swallow nervously, your mind almost fully blanking.
“I'm a good person…?”
“Don't say it like a question, say it like you mean it.”
You tense up slightly at how…soft…he sounds. Your chest tightens and a lump forms in your throat. This is all way too...intimate. You think you might pass out if it goes on for any longer. Despite this, you push forward and try to be a bit more confident.
“I'm…a good person. ”
“Good.”
He lets your arm go, gently, grabbing your other one and beginning the same process of cleaning and bandaging it again. Your heart flutters at the praise and the touch.
“I can't stop you from caring about me, even if I want to, so I might as well let it happen.”
You sound defeated when you say it, like you just lost a battle but Sebastian is pleased to hear it.
“There you go, now you're getting it.”
He hums with approval and your face flushes as you look away. This is the worst. You're enjoying this way too much.
Despite every inch of you screaming at you, calling you selfish and undeserving, you feel your eyes begin to shut for longer and longer with each blink, your body getting heavier and your nerves beginning to calm down.
“I deserve to be cared for”
You can feel yourself starting to drift to sleep, and at this point you're far too exhausted to try and fight it. Sebastian finishes tying the last bandage when he notices. He puts everything back into the med kit and shuts it gently before setting it on the ground.
He shifts his tail so it's wrapped around you now, you mumble something incoherent in protest before getting comfortable again. His heart feels full for the first time in years as he looks at you.
“Rest well, ok? I know it's hard to believe but I..”
He trails off, debating on the best way to phrase it, or if he should even tell you right now.
You barely manage to open your eyes as you look up at him questioningly, still trying your best to listen to what he has to say. He can feel his heart stutter in his chest.
“I…I care about you. Get some rest, okay? You need it.”
What he wants to say is teetering on the tip of his tongue, begging to be spoken into existence, but he doesn't want to drop that on you right now. It can be said another day.
As sleep begins to take you, against his better judgement, Sebastian leans down and presses a small kiss to your forehead.
That's good enough for now
Ending note:
I haven't seen many things explore the fact that in pressure you come back completely fine after every death so I wanted to try my hand at writing it based on my emotions and experiences.
I am perfectly fine actually but a few months ago when I originally wrote this I was having the worst time of my life, but now that I'm better I decided to revisit it and edit it a bit.
Please remember you are never alone, there is always someone willing to help.
And don't forget dear reader, Sebastian loves you very much, even if he can't say it yet <3
Fish man doodles followed by absolute BRAINROT.
Guess who just drew SEBASTIAN!!!
im so fucking happy about this drawing! Hes so cute!
EDIT: Ight had to go back and add his scar lmao Original without the scar below
Urbans your shade (threat)
Ah. Posting. Sorry for not doing this in so long. I'm more active on my tik tok and school is....definitely schooling😅😭
(I am in dire need of help😭😭😭 lemme out of school!!!)
Anyway, art
Guess who've I've been drawing a lot ehhehehe
CHILE MENTIONED 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪😼‼️‼️‼️🇨🇱🇨🇱🇨🇱🇨🇱🇨🇱
does this to him
PRESSURE SHIPS WOOOHOOOO
All the pressure ships I like :3
The character who’s shipped with Sebastian in oc ships belongs to @dizzydobermann