The Dark Ramblings of My Mind.
As far as everyone knows, I am completely composed and unflinching. I just fall apart when no one else is watching.
I miss the old me. Somewhere along the lines, I lost myself. And now I'm just running in circles in this life, trying to figure where to begin picking up the pieces to this broken map that will lead me back home.
I used to write. I used to drown myself in music. I used to take pictures. I used to be all about something. And somewhere, somehow, I lost all of my purpose. I used to know exactly what I wanted and how I was gonna get to it, and now I'm just.. empty. I don't know where I am or when I became so lost.
Everything about myself that I knew and loved, and hell, even loathed. It got lost in the void. I'm told I can find those things again. I wonder...
I feel so trapped. Trapped in this world that doesn't see me for who I am, where I'll go and what I'll end up as. Then again, who can the world see me for who I am when I'm not sure of that myself? I'm not sure that I can dig myself out of this one. I show the world a version of me that I want them to see and think is me. When in reality, on the inside, I'm completely broken.
How does someone come back from that?
Getting hurt is normal. My threshold for pain is so high that I enjoy most pain. I suppose that carries a mildly dangerous consequence. It lets me know that I'm not entirely devoid of feeling. Rationality goes out the windo where pain is invloved. I suppose it's hard to be alive when you're mostly dead inside. There is some sliver of light trying to find its way through.
Delving into the dark depths of my mind ... That has disastrous consequences.
We all like to think that we have more control of ourselves than we actually do. It's almost amusing... To witness our subconscious squirm beneath that of which we believe we are in control of, but truly not. I suppose that's why I'd rather let someone else take control. Does anyone have control? I am still trying to figure these things out for myself.
I have my reasons for pondering and sudden outbursts. For that, I apologize. I'm a wreck most days, and there isn't anything anyone could do to me physcally to hurt me. I suppose everyone has their dark depths locked away somewhere, that doesn't make me special.
Living in my own mind is Hell already. How do you think I've managed to claw my out from time to time? The mind is a finicky thing sometimes... Finding solace in things that we shouldn't. Many before have tried to break me and bring me down, and they have failed.
Perhaps I was already broken?
Yes, I am searching for some sense of control. But isn't everyone? I just happen to find solace in letting someone else take the lead so that I may find a sense of peace. As for relying on myself... I will always trust myself as opposed to relying on others. In all of my life, I have never, and will never put my sins on someone else's back to be burdened around as I have done throughout my life.
... I am not searching for someone to break me. I'm searching for the pieces of me that I have lost along the way. I've admitted that much to myself centuries ago.
