Guide to Surviving a Party Hosted by Seelies (You Fool, You Absolute Buffoon)
Because when a beautiful, slightly menacing creature invites you to a “gathering under the silver boughs,” your first mistake was saying yes.
1. DO NOT EAT ANYTHING. That glittering fruit platter? Hexed. Those shimmering cupcakes? Cursed. That suspiciously normal-looking cheese plate? Especially cursed. Rule: If you put literally anything in your mouth, congratulations, you're either bound to a seven-century servitude or you're becoming someone's ironic pet. Hope you like the name Snuffles.
2. Compliment, but Don’t Commit. "Your gown is lovely" = safe. "Your gown is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I'd die for it" = uh oh. Contract signed. Blood pact sealed. You’re about to be the gown’s emotional support human for eternity. Rule: Compliment like you’re dodging a landmine. Sincerely, lightly, with zero promises.
3. Don’t Dance (Unless You’re Ready to Die in Style). They’ll play the music. You’ll think, "Oh, a little jig won’t hurt." Spoiler alert: It will. That "casual" dance floor is a portal to a realm where you’ll twirl forever until your bones turn to mist. Rule: If you must dance, fake a sprained ankle immediately. Bonus points if you cry dramatically. Fae love messy drama.
4. Watch Your Name Like It’s a Precious Gem. Names are power. Give a fake one. A nickname. A curse word, if you’re feeling bold. If you hand out your real name, you’re basically handing them your soul wrapped in a bow. Rule: Tonight, you are “Pickle.” No exceptions.
5. Gifts Are Traps. Did a dainty, ethereal creature just hand you a rose made of starlight? Drop it like it’s radioactive. Accepting a gift = accepting a debt. And debts in faerie parties are settled with your dignity, your bloodline, or your Netflix password for all eternity. Rule: Carry a small trinket to “gift back” immediately — a safety pin, a rock, your leftover Starbucks receipt . Whatever it takes.
6. Always Have an Escape Plan. Ideally involving:
Salt circles,
Iron jewelry,
A very fast horse,
A suspiciously cranky friend who owes you a favor,
Or, you know, pure chaotic luck.
Rule: Leave before midnight. Or risk becoming the next floral centerpiece.
Moral of the Story: Will the party be stunning? Yes. Will it be the most intoxicating, beautiful night of your life? Absolutely. Will you wake up the next day covered in moss, wearing a crown of thorns, and contractually obligated to babysit a minor woodland god for a thousand years? Also yes.
Choose wisely, Pickle. Choose wisely.