#self edition

[doggojin]

[findingmelissa]

Uhhh lol. How much time ya got?

I’m sober and clear-headed

I worked so hard on my self-esteem and am still working on it - I love myself more than I have in a decade or more. Or ever.

I have forgiven my sister, after 5.5 years of being stuck, and our relationship is healing and growing

I run because I want to, not for self-punishment

I honestly faced my childhood traumas and the reality of my parents and my life and am finally processing those

I learned that setting boundaries and focusing on myself, with no apologies, is of the utmost importance (still finding balance - I still tend to give too much of myself to others)

I learned that my sensitivities and quirks do not make me a terrible person - I’ve been like that since I was little and no one knew enough to tell me that I was not a jerk but hey here’s the tools for more emotional regulation - learning to do that for myself and keeping my self esteem intact

I had some hard conversations with Steve earlier this year and I put down the walls that were keeping me so emotionally separate from him, while also telling him everything I really need from him and our relationship is better than ever

My relationship with my female friends is more honest, non competitive, loving, and supportive. I especially feel like my relationship with @coffeeandmuscles is in a super great place this year compared to the couple of years prior. That was me putting down my defenses and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

I could go on and on. But the big picture is that I was in a very very dark place a year ago. And I fought my way out of it. So much to be grateful for.

[conversebride]

[findingmelissa]

Quit my other job. Get my ducks in a row and get moved up north.

I saw my mom today though and I feel like we are getting closer to nursing home or state assisted living. Lots of feelings. My instinct when I saw this question was “move your mom in with you” but every bit of my gut and heart say NO. I only want to do it because it seems like the “right thing to do.”

But I don’t think I can emotionally afford to live with her.

Tough stuff.

The first time Steve and I went to Big Sur, to Yosemite, to NYC, to London. To Michigan. Or to the UP with @coffeeandmuscles. Or the first time she and I and Steve met in person and spent a weekend together iced in during the DFW storm in 2013.

[findingmelissa]

Another double question that only makes me think of one answer. In this case, the answer is moving to Michigan. There is a boat to miss and that is it.

I want to move north. Sometimes when I am back here in DFW too long without visiting, I think “am I really still that passionate about going there to retire?” And then I visit again and YEP.

It will take a lot of work. And we still won’t leave Texas while my mom is alive. But we will get there eventually.

[findingmelissa]

I don’t know about first and last but what comes to mind with both of these is lying to myself about alcohol (and even drugs a few times) Telling myself that one more thing, one more night, one more weekend wasn’t a big deal. That I was healthy enough and doing okay because I was so functional in all the practical ways.

I could say the same thing about when I was running all those miles as self-punishment. That it was a positive thing. Or that it wasn’t that bad that I was still smoking cigarettes because at least I wasn’t drinking. Or that overeating for one more night wasn’t going to make me gain weight or have any long term effect.

It’s way too easy to lie to myself about addictions and compulsions. And I am very self-compassionate about it because I think that’s true of most people. It’s very human.

When I quit all my addictions years ago, I thought I was set. I thought I knew what was wrong. But all I did was fix the symptoms, Now that I know differently, I can approach it differently. And never lie to myself again. ❤️

[findingmelissa]

I am still working on self esteem and have times where I think I am not worthy of other people’s love and attention. It’s better than it was but I foresee myself one day being confident enough to be truly content.

I can’t think of more. I can say I will be thinner and fitter in the future. I will even be more engaged with life and my hobbies. But all of these things are just happy works in progress.

Spontaneously planned the trip to London. I saw the music show flyer and my gears started turning and that was that. And I was sober and mentally healthy when I did it so I knew I wasn’t being destructively impulsive. I did it for fun and spontaneity - and because I knew if we went specifically around that music show, that it would make Steve crazy happy.

Oh lots of things. Quit drinking. Quit smoking. Trained for a half marathon out of pure running love and self love. Turned my self esteem around. Turned my life around.

:)

[findingmelissa]

All negative but I will counter it with where it led me.

Negatives:

Getting abused at 12 and my parents not standing up for me = promiscuity, manipulativeness, deceit, self-abandonment, hyper-independence, low self worth.

My sister neglecting my cat Andy and ignoring her distress in her living situation until it was too late = low level persistent grief, trauma, and fight or flight response, and reevaluation of my entire childhood and family.

Multiple people/animals close to me dying too young/dying suddenly = panic and existential dread.

Terrible relationships with women = mistrust, fear, jealousy of other women.

Positives:

My relationship with Steve which healed deep seated fears of abandonment and vulnerability with men and rethinking what commitment and marriage mean.

My relationship with Kari which healed deep seated fears of abandonment and vulnerability with women and learning what real friendship looks like. I would add other women to that but I can’t say there’s another one yet that I don’t still fear having to walk away from one day. Geeta is very close but i still have moments.