Finding My Way Forward

[findingmelissa]

I sure do love this little weirdo.

[findingmelissa]

Wednesday: mixed bag workout, ending with me on the bike watching the original 3-part miniseries that kicked off The Food That Built America - for the third time. I just really like it.

Another massive salad for lunch. And crock pot sausage, red beans, and rice for dinner. I've been craving this for a while and uuugh it was so good. I doubled the sausage this time and just split it into 6 portions instead of 4. Mmmm more smoked sausage.

Steve has a gig tonight. Our whole crew does, actually. I don't really want to go (neither does Steve), because I am so content with my weekday routines right now, and our once-a-month gig on first Sundays are enough effort... but it's okay. I will have fun dressing in something cute and I will see people I know and like. And I can always sit in the corner and read if I'm not feeling it. Like an old person. ;)

[findingmelissa]

Tuesday: 6 miles, eggs and beans, nails (I LOVE THIS BLACK CAT EYE COLOR!), massive salad, chicken-fries-broccoli (thank you, air fryer) fruit.

Nothing to add. Just logging my day because I like logging my day. :)

[findingmelissa]

Last night, after dinner, I had a plate of fruit around 6:30 pm and a Greek yogurt ice cream bar around 7:45 pm. At 8:15, I found myself wanting to get up and eat cereal, peanut butter, anything else.

Instead, I cleaned my mouth out, put in my essix retainer, popped a mint in my mouth, all to indicate to my body and mind that I was "done" for the night. Then I thought about how I wasn't really hungry and I only wanted to eat because obviously I am unsettled or anxious or unhappy in some way - and I need to focus on why that is and what that is. Because something is making me compulsively eat and it isn't physical hunger.

So I said all that out loud to Steve. And he said, "I don't think you're fundamentally unhappy" and I agreed buuuuut. Then I said, "I think about my mom a lot." And thus ensued a lot of tears and letting out a few things - not everything, I'm sure - that I've been holding in that I didn't really realize I was holding in. He listened and helped offer broader perspective on some stuff - so easy to let myself get lost in my head and become irrational and narrow focused about my mom and my grief. Having him to talk to and provide objectivitiy, but also comfort and a sense of shared burden, was deeply meaningful.

I've been snapping at him again quite a bit. It's better than it was last year. We have worked on a lot of stuff that needed work. But I spent a good long while feeling emotionally abandoned, especially last year, and I put up a wall because of it, and unfortunately, when I am not careful, that wall goes back up. I viewed him through a certain lens for a while and it can be tough not to default back to that. I need to remember that things are not the same. I don't need to put up that wall. He is here and present and will be what I need if I let him.

So. I rolled over and turned out the light. Smooshed myself into his back. And, for the first time in I can't remember how long, I fell asleep without my Ozlo earbuds in. I've become dependent on them, and feel little pangs of fear when I think about going to bed without them in the dark and the quiet. But last night, I was not afraid, and I fell asleep immediately.

Today, I thanked him again for last night, and promised I will keep being more open and vulnerable going forward. Not easy and not a quick fix. But I will try to do better. And remember the relief and clarity that comes from shining a light on my darker thoughts.

[findingmelissa]

Last Thursday, I attended a Q2 All Hands meeting for the West for my California job. This is for the company that bought my old company; we officially sold in March 2025 and I have been fully integrated into the new gig (full-time proposal writing) since October 2025.

I was told specifically I needed to attend this meeting because I was getting a "shout out." Turns out, every quarter, they do an Employee Spotlight section. Supervisors, Area Leads, etc. nominate their people and then they provide a brief employee intro and explain why they nominated them that quarter. My Area Lead nominated me and spoke about me. I had NO idea this was happening beforehand.

This is the little picture/blurb they put up about me on the slides.

This is what he said:

Yeah, so really pleased to give a shout out to Melissa. She is a pursuit specialist with the pursuit marketing group. Most of you may not have interacted with her. She is from the Legacy XXXXX team. And as it so happened over the course of this year, we have had four major proposals that we had to work on. These represent four of our largest clients. That's the LA County Sanitation Districts, San Bernardino County Solid Waste, Kern County Public Works, and Orange County Waste and Recycling. So these are public agencies, so their proposals are quality based, which means we have to make sure it's a really high quality proposal, and then we go up against the best firms in the industry. So starting early this year, sometime around March, we put together four massive proposals. And the reason we are recognizing Melissa is that she pretty much did it all single-handedly. She pretty much took the responsibility to do it herself with some technical help from (Principal Engineer) and myself. But she did it very efficiently. Typically, each proposal, she would do it in about two weeks with very little oversight necessary. And these are typically three-year-long contracts. Together, they represent about at least 6 million in revenue potential, and we have a good shot at achieving all 6 million over the next three years. And to date, we have won three out of the four. So with one more yet to come, with that, hopefully she will have a perfect record of four out of four. So Melissa, thank you. We really appreciate it.

Then the VP of the West said:

Yeah, Melissa is awesome. I thank you so much, Melissa, for all of your effort.

The added comment from the VP was fantastic because she and I hit it off so well the week we met in SoCal, and in subsequent conversations when I was trying to choose my position at the new company. And she's one of the highest ups in the entire company, so her words carry a lot of weight.

But fundamentally, it was my Area Lead who blew me away. I have known him for 23 years, since originally joining my legacy company. And I have always enjoyed our working relationship and I felt appreciated by him but this was just... for him to talk me up in front of hundreds of people just felt... wow. I texted him after to tell him how much it meant to me.

Loving my career here. I don't think everyone feels that way about their job. I would say I am lucky, but I will absolutely chalk this one up to my own sense of commitment and perseverance to end up where I have. It feels right and good. And this was definitely a moment to remember.

[findingmelissa]

3 fast-ish miles. Spicy chili chicken Manchurian and Hawaiian pasta. Fruit. Oswald peets pushing against my side. Another good day. I love healthy routines.

Also, I had a very tough work deadline today and I hit it before 4 pm. I’ll probably have to do some writing revisions after review but I’m so relieved the bulk of it is done. Aaaand exhale.

[findingmelissa]

Another great day. Got up early and got my miles in - 50% of this was hill repeats! Haven't done that in a few months. It's so flat here, generally, but we do have one hill repeats area so I need to keep after it - Michigan races always take my by surprise when I don't.

Also did another archery range day. Shooting was good, as tired as my arms were from strength/archery/bowling yesterday.

I had a craving for brunch and I nailed it: chorizo, beans, onion, jalapenos, cheese, and eggs. Side of potatoes because with chorizo, obviously. I would normally serve this with a tortilla but I finished the old bag of white bread with Steve. And man. Why is toast with butter so damn good sometimes? Maybe because it's been so long?

For dinner, I did a repeat of last week, where I made 8 chicken thighs (put half of them away for another meal) and served them with potatoes and broccoli. Everything cooked in the air fryer. God, I love that thing.

[findingmelissa]

What a day. Strength training followed by archery with Steve, girl brunch spread, and bowling and dinner as an early birthday outing for Eric. Fried things for Steve, sushi for me.

And I killed it at both sports today. Getting more comfortable with my bow again. Then I bowled a 188, one of my highest scores ever (highest ever was 196, I've never quite broken 200).

A great day to be alive and out doing things. :)

[findingmelissa]

Friday:

8-mile run, strong and easy, egret hunting fish at the pond, and new toe socks - I need these, my 4th and 5th toe on my right foot have been problematic for years and it's at a point where they get so bad I can't even walk around in close toed shoes, like, casually. Ow. The toe socks seem to be fixing it though, thank goodness.

Working from bed with Oswald again. The best.

Cereal-yogurt-fruit for breakfast, Hawaiian chicken for lunch, more fruit, and curried chickpea salad, caprese salad, etc. for dinner. Snacks of more cereal and pb&j not shown. I may have overdone it a bit today. It's okay. Deep breaths. I will reset tomorrow.

Steve had his monthly livestream and we had a guest, a guy who is a high school drumline instructor who is also a drum and bass producer and DJ. We also booked him to open for our crew at a show we are doing in downtown Dallas Wednesday. He only spins his own compositions when he mixes. Super impressive. And he's a really cool dude to boot. Great having him here again.

Feeling a bit off tonight. Glad it's the weekend.

[findingmelissa]

Another mixed bag: run 2 miles, walk 1 mile, strength work.

More good food: spicy chili chicken manchurian, dirty spaghetti, fruit, and Golden Grahams, which I just bought for the first time in many many years and ohhhhh my god oh my god, I forgot how much I love these. Heaven in a bowl. Gonna have to portion those out carefully. Ahem.

Also loved this shot of Oswald. He was cleaning and I reaized it was almost 5 and started to move and this is is his mid-cleaning, sitting up, "oh is it dinner time??" look. Hehehe.

I have a big happy work thing to post from today, but want that to be its own thing. I will get to that in the next day or two.

[findingmelissa]

Mixed bag workout again. Run, strength, bike, walk. I was waffling about doing stuff on my rest day, but I had time to kill because we had carpet cleaning service most of the morning, so everything was chaotic and I wasn’t able to sit down and work for any good stretch. So working out it was. And it was really fun! I think I may keep doing this on running rest days/cross training days. I’m really enjoying it.

Had a massive salad for lunch. No breakfast. And dinner with Paul and Geeta and kids and dogs was really really nice. Paul grilled steaks and I had a few good bites but mostly just ate my sides: caprese salad, corn and zucchini saute, and (deviled egg) potato salad. So good.

[findingmelissa]

Got the 6 miles in. Good hard work and I was very happy to be out in the early morning getting it done.

Came in and food prepped for over two hours after. Probably didn’t need to do so much today, but hey, now we’re set for the rest of this week. And then I set up my laptop for working from bed most of the day. Oswald approved.

Food was on point again today:

Strawberry banana Cheerios, frosted Cheerios, Greek yogurt, almond milk, sliced banana and strawberries

Hawaiian chicken - we loved this new (to us) recipe so much, I am definitely making this in place of my sweet and sour chicken from now on. The barbecue sauce just gives it that special something. (Helps that I use my homemade sauce.)

A repeat of Sunday’s dinner - chicken thighs, Costco fries (the BEST), and broccoli (all three things cooked in the air fryer) with chipotle mayo for dipping

Fruuuuuuit. Fruit.

Rest day tomorrow, followed by dinner with Paul and Geeta and the kids and the dogs. Yay.

[findingmelissa]

6 miles on the running plan today, but we woke up at 5:15 to thunderstorms, which meant both of us sleeping in until 7:30 in the grey and dark. Oh noes. :) We will get the 6 miles tomorrow instead. For today, I did 2 miles mid morning, followed by strength work and 15 minutes on the bike. Mixed bag workout and it all felt great. That's the fastest 2 miles I've done in quite a while.

And how much did I love my food today??

Oatmeal for breakfast, not pictured (we are *finally* done with the porridge-y packet oatmeal I overloaded on when I had dental work and now I can go back to making baked oatmeal, yay).

Massive salad for lunch, shown both pre- and post-dousing of fat-free ranch. Still appreciating the salads again after remembering how much I loved barbecue sauce-sauteed chickpeas in them. So good.

Dirty spaghetti for dinner. Suuuper fulfilling, for surprisingly low calories (I mean, considering it's a full pound of pasta in the recipe).

Gigantic plate of fruit. And also not pictured: a tub of watermelon and a bowl of sliced strawberries and bananas on top of this huge plate. Next time I say I don't really like fruit, I should remember today. I think it's summer getting to me, wanting to eat mostly cold things, and a lot less meat. Not a bad thing.

[findingmelissa]

Newsletter

Arnold's Pump Club is the official email, podcast, and merchandise store of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I cannot recommend this newsletter enough. Absolute gems every day re. nutrition, fitness, mental health, inspiration. Interesting and uplifting and incredibly well researched. Loving it.

[findingmelissa]

A perfect day:

4-mile run with ducks and big blue (a great blue heron) and a beautiful sunrise

Maintenance strength work

Oatmeal

Archery range

"Fun meal" brunch

Lounging with the cattos

Awesome dinner

Not letting the Sunday night anxiety get me. I am very content tonight. :)

[findingmelissa]

Hard day of field work. Tons of cutting and clearing. Got super dirty and sweaty and cut up, par for the course. Steve did the treestand work. And for the first time - because I’m stronger than I’ve ever been - I put together the pole saw chainsaw and cut five tree branches off myself, some while standing in the bed of the atv. I was very proud. Today felt like good old fashioned sweat equity. Never be afraid of a day of hard work. It’s the best thing. (Bonus: some awesome downtown and sunrise photos from the drives.)

[findingmelissa]

Epiphany.

I was trying to fall asleep last night and started feeling that nudge of anxiety. I've had bedtime anxiety for years. The Ozlo sleep buds are helping. But I still sometimes have nights where I feel existential dread or I think about my mom in the hospital or any other thing my mind can attach to, to worry about. And then I thought:

"I am going to die one day. I have no control over it. It's inevitable. So why should I be anything but happy every single moment in the meantime?"

I started smiling in the dark. There is validity in grief and sadness. To be clear. But, big picture here. Life is precious and short. Why be anything but happy every moment I can?

Steve and I have talked about this before. He has said to me "you are going to die one day, I am going to die one day, and it is going to be the saddest thing imaginable - when it happens - but why despair about it now? Leave that until when it happens." And I got it. Mentally. I totally understood.

But last night, my body finally got it. It's like the thing in The Body Keeps the Score, when he talks about how when you mentally relive trauma over and over, your body keeps feeling it over and over, as though you are still experiencing it for the first time there in that moment. And the goal of healing is to tell yourself: "it's in the past, it was terrible, but it is not happening right now; I accept that it is in the past and I can move away from the effects of that in the present."

I don't know if I am explaining that well. But it's what helped me get over Andy's death. And it is helping me get past my mom in the hospital stuff. So I know what the end goal feels like. And that is what last night felt like. I am accepting that death is my (and Steve's) inevitable future, but it is in the future, and I do not need to feel panic and anxiety in the present. There is no point.

I have been struggling with how to rid myself of bedtime death anxiety for ages. Because no matter how much I got it intellectually, my nervous system wouldn't accept it. But last night, it did. And now that I've "seen" it, I can't unsee it. I'm sure it won't be instantly perfect. But I think this is the start of ridding myself of this for good.

:)