#self inflection

[monstermayi122]

Nothing makes me break my own heart faster than resonating with posts about being a moster, rage filled, touch starved or feeling unloved and then having to think about the things about myself that I consider "monstrous"

Am I really that bad, or have I just told myself that it's easier to be a lone problem than it is to try and explain to someone else how your heart breaks on the regular

[johndocumentslife]

Never have I heard such honest silence And my ears began to ring louder than I'd ever heard anything before Like a child crying inside of my brain

18. March 2019

[tinyscribblefairy]

“Start Where You Are”

“ To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can. “ Isn’t that what this famous quote by renowned  tennis legend Arthur Ashe says? I spent some time thinking about it and feel more ready now to apply it to my own life.

I used to dream up better ideals of what my life should be and quite obviously, this led me nowhere but stuck in a life I perceived as mediocre. 

By writing myself off, I would never be disappointed or hurt or angry with myself, I would just carry on existing with these impossible visions of grandeur, never to be achieved but merely sighed upon when I catch myself daydreaming on the bus. Imagining how better my life would be if I had a car. 

I don’t know how or where or why I changed my way of thinking but I strongly believe I just lived in my moment and practiced gratitude, casually.

Also, I started being a lot more mature and grounded somewhere along the way and as of yesterday, it has been two years since I have been successfully and gainfully employed at a day job.  Every artist needs a day job. The ones who don’t, well, they are lucky and I hope they don’t squander that luck! 

Also, I moved in to a house, one dream I had for myself was that when I would move out of my apartment it would be for an upgrade. A step up. 

That opportunity presented itself and I am ever so grateful for where I get to live now. Went from a 3 and a half to three floors. 

I’ve also made peace with who I am, it really does make it easier to forgive myself and move past tiny woes and bigger let-downs, move forward. 

Nobody is keeping track of your fails but you. 

By becoming more comfortable with myself as a woman and where I am in my heart, life and brain, balance is now something a little more consistent. 

Since my “boyfriend” of three years broke up with me and broke my heart in November, I can genuinely say that I am bouncing back nicely. 

No commitments, no headaches, just doing my own thing and if someone wants to tag along, they will have to understand I am very focused on my own thing. 

It’s nice to not be concerned about wanting someone, or craving someone to love, I have someone to love: myself. My family. My friends. My job. My comedy. My writing. Even my budding YouTube channel and all my social media profiles are things I love and care about. Why would I need a boyfriend? I mean, what do you do with one anyway? Can it dress itself? What kind of food do you give it? Does it feed itself? All jest aside, I’m not worried about that aspect, someone is bound to show up sooner or later. 

Right now I want to focus on the dreams I neglected and felt foolish to believe in. I have a lot of catching up to do. I need to stay focused.

Coming out of your own shell is a scary endeavor but once the shell is broken and the wings have grown in, there will be another set of challenges to undertake. 

I have often spoken without thinking, said and done things that might have needed to brew a little longer before coming to fruition . Oh well, pointless to dwell on the past. 

So I have a day off today. So far, the day is fresh with no mistakes and no poorly executed decisions. 

Felt like getting this off my chest, to clear my clutter of thoughts, if they all stay in, it will activate my madness and nothing positive has ever happened from me going mad... Other than I lived through it and learned that I never want to be there again. 

We live in a mad world. Madness is bound to find me, it doesn’t mean I have to invite it to tag along! 

[tinyscribblefairy]

Given what has happened to me today, there could not be a more fitting word of the day.

[iameveami]

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